Barbara's Blog

Funeral cards

2012-01-28T11:53:00.005-05:00

You know those funeral cards? The one memorial homes have with the name of the deceased and a lovely photo and then on the other side, there is scripture, or a prayer, or a favorite writing? As I was at a wake today, and as I looked at the card, I decided I wanted to write my own. In her younger days, my mother-in-law told me what to dress her in when she was laid out. She repeated it so often that even now, I remember. In that vein, please place this on my funeral card. Give my body to science, to help others. It will be ok, because I will be with Him. So it won't what I wear...

I closed my eyes and when they opened, I was in His embrace.
The hug of a Father, full of passion and joy.
His face I could finally see, His eyes smiled with delight.
His arm still around me, He showed me the splendors untold,
Beauty unparalleled, perfection eternal.
And peace, peace with Him, and in the entire community.

Do not cry for me, I am in Paradise!
Instead, please find the path of Life that Jesus offers us all.
We all like sheep are lost, turn to Him and be found.
Call to Him and He will answer you.
And join me later, in His arms.
They are big enough for you too!

The Nativity Controversy

2012-01-12T21:46:00.007-05:00

One of our condo communities had a seasonal decorations controversy. The condo board, making rules as it always does, allowed a Christmas tree and a menorah as common area holiday decorations and nothing else. When one member of the community added her nativity set to the lobby, it was removed because it was against policy. Thus started the controversy.

Yesterday my boss, who is Jewish, and I discussed the difference between a nativity set and a Christmas tree. Until the next phone call which ended the discussion. But I continued to ponder this.

A Christmas tree is not controversial because, let's face it, what is there to argue about? Do we use gold balls and red bows or Victorian ornaments? White lights or colored lights? Tinsel or garland? Does any of that matter, I mean, really? It is a holiday decoration, festive, bright and colorful. Everyone loves a Christmas tree.

But the nativity is necessarily controversial, a stumbling block really. There is a decision to make, and the consequences are huge. Because the figures in the manger can only be one of two things:

Either Mary is a trampy teen and a liar, Joseph is a foolish gullible man, and Jesus is a bastard. And I am a fool for believing this fairy tale.

Or Mary is a pregnant virgin, Joseph is a young man of great integrity and faith and Jesus is the Son of God. Jesus is no longer a infant, tender and mild. Jesus is King of King and Lord of Lords, and someday every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord to the Glory of God. Even the condo board members who want to make this decoration go away, will someday bow before Him.

The problem is not how to make things equitable between religious groups. The problem is a choice is demanded. Only one option is true, not both.

The consequences are eternal.

What do YOU choose?

For Jews request a sign, and Greeks seek after wisdom; but we preach Christ crucified, to the Jews a stumbling block and to the Greeks foolishness, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.
~ 1 Corinthians 1:22-24 NKJ

What I learned in 2011

2011-12-29T21:44:00.004-05:00

When I came home today, Al shared with me his list of what he learned in 2011...an excellent idea to review and record. So here is my list too...

It is important to find a place where you feel valued for what you have to contribute. I have found that in my job. After 3 years, I feel competent and my boss regularly reminds me of how much he appreciates my contribution. My office is a special place filled with the nicest, most caring of people. All of us make unique contributions and add to the whole. We care and encourage each other. It is sweet and I am blessed and blossoming. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (1 Thessalonians 5:11)

That leads me to the second thing, which is attitude is everything and it is all about choice. There are always things that can be improved, and we are surrounded by imperfect people because we are all imperfect! Having a positive attitude makes the difference between joy and peace verses depression and angst. And it is all about our perspective, which is our choice. We can choose to be positive, to dwell on the goodness and to have hope for the future. Even when we are surrounded by people who are negative, we can still choose to look past it, to change the subject, to unabashedly smile in the face of it. If there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. (Phil 4:8)

Forgiveness is vital to happiness. I have learned to drag up past hurts, not to review and relive them, but to route them out to forgive those who have thoughtlessly and even ruthlessly hurt me. It has given me such peace and joy! My greatest regret is that I did not do this sooner. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)

Learning is good but application is better. These past years I have learned so much about God, grace, faith and Biblical history from my pastor and I am truly blessed. But this past year, my learning has been supplemented by others who preach towards application: how the Word of God can work in my life. It has helped me in my relationships, my work, my attitude, everything. But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. (James 1:22)

Be still and know that I am God. I am not there yet, but I am getting better at not driving, sitting next to God and letting His take the wheel and direct my life as opposed to dragging Him down the road by His hair. I just read the rest of this verse recently: I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. (Psalm 46:10). God will accomplish all His plans. God doesn't need my help. Nor does anyone else. It is not my portion to look around and see what no one else wants to do and then do that thing. Maybe it was during a prior season. Now I can wait for Him to lead me. The still small voice. Or He can kick the door open. Whatever. But I am no longer into hair pulling and I am praising Him that He has been so patient and longsuffering with me.

Father, lead me, direct me into Your wonderful plans for the next year! I love You! Help me trust You more!

Grandma, is there really a Santa Claus?

2011-12-25T08:43:00.010-05:00

As Christmas approached this year, a dear friend asked me if we have told our grandson Giovanni about Santa Claus and if I regret, in retrospect, not telling my daughters about Santa Claus. Isn't there something missing to the Christmas experience, she wanted to know, some of the wonder and excitement?

I have been thinking about this, sort of pondering it in my heart as I watch the second generation of this being played out in my grandson.

Although I had always believed in God, in June 1988, when Christina. my first daughter, was 6 months old, I made a commitment to Christ in a new and personal way. It was only six months later, when Christina was turning 1, that she had her first Christmas and in my new zeal for God, decided not to include Santa Claus in the tradition. Instead Christina was told that grandparents, aunts, uncles and mom and dad give presents. We had a wood manger with plastic figures and every year we played out the Christmas story with the plastic figures of Mary, Joseph, the shepherd and angels. We read stories about the Christmas story and as she grew older, we went to church, she sang on the stage and went to classes where the Bible story of Christmas was taught. Oh, sure we had Santa figures in our home. We also had a lovely picture book, The Night Before Christmas. But I never told either daughter that Santa was real. I told them Jesus, Mary and Joseph were real. The angels were real. The wise men were real.

When they went to pre-school, I remember one day when a mom asked my younger daughter Debbie what Santa was going to bring her for Christmas. Debbie, always shy, just looked at her and said nothing. Debbie did not know what to say because this was not her world.

When they were little, I took them to sit on Santa's lap and have their photos taken. But I never taught them to ask Santa for presents, to write him letters, to be good so that he would not put coal in their stockings. Instead I told them to pray to Jesus for everything, to read His Word, and that He came to earth because we all could not be good enough. Jesus became a baby so we could know Him and He could save us, because we could never be good or smart or talented or strong enough to save ourselves.

The year Debbie was in first grade, she asked me if she could pretend Santa was real. I smiled and told her, of course, that was a wonderful thing to pretend.

When I joined a church, both the Pastor's and the worship leader's kids believed in Santa Claus. Repeatedly, I had to remind my daughters to keep the secret. Of course, I do not believe that telling your kids there is a Santa is somehow un-Christian. This is not a hill I am prepared to die on. However, for better or worse, I have have broken the Santa tradition for my family. My daughters do not know how to make-believe Santa. Instead, this year, Giovanni, astute and eager for to the things of God, has played with the plastic manger people and has gone to church class and sang "Happy Birthday Jesus" on the stage with his church class. He even memorized his verse, Luke 2:11. The excitement and wonder of the season has not been lost on him as he ponders God becoming a baby, the angels who broke out of heaven to sing to the shepherds, and the wise men traveling from a far place, following a super star to find Baby Jesus.

It is my opinion that if you believe in the Word of God, there is plenty of excitement. I remember the disappointment when, as a child, I had to give up my belief in Santa Claus. I now have more than made up for the awe and wonder in the truth of the season.

Jesus, King of Heaven, Lord of the angels, laid down His crown and all His spectacular glories to come close to us, even as close as a baby. He did this because He loves me, my family, indeed all of us. The endlessness of the wonder of that act can be awesome for eternity and needs no embellishments. My daughters and grandson are evidence that even the youngest child can understand and be awed by the truth. The pretend is not needed.

So, the answer is no, I think that for my family at least, I did the right thing. Giovanni never did ask me this question: Is there really a Santa Claus? Instead he asks me questions about the angels, Mary and baby Jesus.

After all, isn't that the real question and the real reason for the Joy of the season?

Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you. He is Christ the Lord. ~ Luke 2:11

Blind SPOTs

2011-11-30T22:43:00.003-05:00

And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, "Let me remove the speck from your eye"; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. --Matt 7:3-5

They are so easy to see, aren't they? Other people's sin's I mean. I scratch my head and say to myself, "Can't they SEE that?" But they cannot. It's a blind spot. I may even try to tell them, point it out to them, explain it seven different ways. Lately I don't even bother. Because it is a blind spot and they cannot see.

And then, I get this chill. I have them too, blind spots. And I can't see them either. I worry about that. I ask friends to be honest, but they love me and sometimes in a effort to be kind, or maybe from exhaustion, they just don't say it. What needs to be said. What I need to hear. To see, but cannot see.

There are two good ways to see my blind spots, though. One is to listen to my daughters. Daughters are the gift God gives us to remove all blind spots, if we can swallow our pride and hear them. My daughters know me so well. They know all the spots and are "fresh meat" so to speak. I have learned to try to swallow hard and listen to them, even when they are rude and it hurts.

Another is when you have this disagreement thing. I find myself disagreeing with what someone else is thinking or doing. I have begun to ask this important questions: Is is me, Lord? Maybe it not them. Maybe they are right--or at least right-er. Maybe they have another perspective that is valid. Maybe they are not wrong, just different. Maybe I don't know all the facts. Maybe I have a part in the problem. Maybe the bulk of the problem is not them--maybe, just maybe, it is me.

Pride. It is the smoke that hides our blind spots.

Father, help me. I ask that I may receive sight, insight and healing for my blind spots!

So Jesus answered and said to him, “What do you want Me to do for you?”
The blind man said to Him, “Rabboni, that I may receive my sight.”
Then Jesus said to him, “Go your way; your faith has made you well.” And immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus on the road. -- Mark 10:51-52

Happy are the Meek

2011-10-19T06:52:00.008-04:00

No one would ever accuse me of being meek. Assertive, probably. Aggressive, sometimes. Pushy, often. I am an initiator, someone who makes things happen. In the business world you hear the saying "Some people watch things happen, some people make things happen and some people wonder what happened." I never wanted to be the weak person, the person who waited around, a sorry victim.

But Jesus' words go against what the business world says. Jesus says, "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." (Matthew 5:5)

The Amplified version says it ever louder:

Blessed [happy, blithesome, joyous, spiritually prosperous--with life-joy and satisfaction in God's favor and salvation, regardless of their outward conditions] are the meek [the mild, patient, long-suffering], for they shall inherit the earth!

This is the Beatitude I could not swallow. I could not be quiet. I had to speak up. How would anyone know if I did not tell them? It is even hard to explain it. Even now, when I hear troubling news, I want to do something, say something, take some action. Wouldn't the worst happen is I did nothing?? If I said nothing???

And then today, I found these verses hidden like a pearl in the psalms:

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for Him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy peace and prosperity. -- Psalm 37

Suddenly, I saw the meek differently. They were people who had faith to wait on the Lord and to trust in Him, that He would bring justice, peace and prosperity. Being meek is not the lack of action, it is instead the activeness of faith. They are trusting in the Lord, and their hope is not in their words, their actions, but in Him and what He will bring to pass in due time. Instead of me pushing, prodding, nagging, scolding, warning, and then wondering why nothing is happening, it is trusting God to speak, to open doors in due time, to bring things to pass by His Spirit in marvelous and miraculous ways.

Father, You alone open doors and shut them. You alone hold eternity in Your hand. Justice and promotion and prosperity is Yours to shower upon us. Not because we are smart or quick or lovely, or even pushy. But because You love us. And because we are Yours.

Help me wait on You with hope. Enable me to be meek and bless me with Your peace.

Closed doors, open doors

2011-10-15T20:24:00.003-04:00

It has been my prayer, "Lord shut the doors you don't want me to enter, and open wide the ones You do."

It used to be my frustrated wail that people shut doors for me, not allowing me in. But then, I began to see the Lord's protective hand on the shut doors and began to praise Him instead. Lately, as I have begun to seek other places in ministry, the doors continue to shut. I have walked away this time, thinking it too was the Lord protecting me.

Tonight as I look at the scriptures, they are full of open doors ~ doors open for ministry and salvation. God is not closing doors for His children, He opens them. Recently as I prayed I saw God kicking wide open a door for me. "You will not miss it," He seemed to say. In the scriptures, I see doors open as we knock and seek God in prayer.

For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Luke 11:10

Maybe I gave up too soon? Maybe if I labor in prayer the door will yet open for me.

Father, I know You alone open and close doors. And I am grateful for how You have guided me through the ones You have closed as well as the ones you have opened. Father, I want to serve you. Please open wide the door for ministry for me. Please let me back in!!

Better is one day in Your courts than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Psalm 84:10-11

Terror and Trust

2011-09-10T22:18:00.004-04:00

It was a clear sunny September day as I drove my youngest daughter, Debbie, to elementary school and then made my way to work at Montclair Community Church.

The first I heard about it was from William, who called as usual on Tuesday to ask me to send him a audio tape of Sunday's message. Then he said he had to turn around because they were not letting anyone into New York City (where he worked as a dentist) because of something happening at the World Trade Center.

After that, the phone rang non-stop. With no TV, radio or internet at the church, the phone was my only source of information. From it, reports came of the first and then the second plane hitting the World Trade Center, the Pentagon, and the crashing of the towers. In between, there were people calling about people of the church who may have been in the city. Mike called asking for Ken, who he thought worked in the World Trade Centers. Then later came the call from Ken, who had ran out of the towers after the first plane hit, and was safe but making the long trip on foot uptown. I thanked him for calling as I wiped away tears. Eventually Ken made his way over the George Washington Bridge and home.

Terrorists, they call it. And it was, even 10 miles away in Montclair, even with no TV to see what was unfolding, there was terror. I wondered what was happening and when it would stop. I wondered if I should pick up my daughter from school and go home. Instead I felt the Lord leading me to stay at my post, keep answering the phone, keep praying in between.

At the end of the day, we sat in front of the TV and watched the story be retold over the news. The fire, the cloud of dust, the surreal shots of the people jumping out of windows to their death below, preferring that to the flames. The three of us drove to Eagle Rock where we knew we could see the buildings, or at least the place where the building once stood. When we got there, no cars were being allowed to enter the reservation, so we parked on the street and walked the winding road to the lookout point.

At the lookout was a mob of people staring at the rising tower of smoke that was the twin towers. And we stood and talked and stared at the remains of the unthinkable tragedy.

It was Wednesday afternoon when I heard about Susan. My mom called me after lunch and said that Susan was in the towers, on the top floors for a business meeting. I had not even thought about her because she usually worked in Summit. No one had heard from her. I wept with my mother, and then prayed with those at the church that afternoon. Later that evening I had a meeting planned and left early to stop at my brother's house so I could tell him the news in person. It was only fair. He had come my my beach house early that morning years before to tell me about Gerald. Now I went to tell him about Susan. How do you start a conversation like that? It was his birthday. It was all unthinkable. Unbelievable. Later I called my Aunt Ann. She asked me to pray that they would find Susan. Her only daughter. Eventually they did find her body, and I thank God for that. Susan was only 54, still beautiful, bright, kind, gracious and loved by all who knew her.

In His mercy, Jesus gave me a visual of my father meeting Susan in heaven. She came to sit down with him at the table. And my dad turns to her and says "Susan, what are you doing here? And so soon." And she smiles at him and returns, "I don't know, Uncle Gabe. I was just sitting down at a meeting, having a cup of coffee with my dear friend from work, and all of a sudden, here I am." Father, that it happened like that for her, suddenly finding herself in Your arms, without terror, without pain.

Tomorrow morning at 8 a.m., I will return to Eagle Rock, meeting 22 other family members as we remember Susan, and the others who were lost to a morning of terror. Beloved, You promise to wipe every tear from our eyes, indeed that You store up our tears in a bottle. Let the frailness of these bodies and the briefness of our stay here remind us to love You and each other. Comfort us and remind us in the brutality and terror of this world, You are still good and powerful and love us.

Beyond the terror, let us trust You!

When I am afraid, I put my trust in You. -- Psalm 56:3

Rest to Work

2011-08-06T09:17:00.002-04:00

Moses assembled the whole Israelite community and said to them, “These are the things the LORD has commanded you to do: For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a day of sabbath rest to the LORD. Whoever does any work on it is to be put to death." -- Exodus 35:1-2

Today we go on vacation. Frazzled to the bone with work pressures, meetings, and the duties of our home and family, I have been wanting to crash but have been lying in my bed with eyes wide open, thoughts whirling. This morning, I opened the scriptures and found this. This section of scripture is primarily about building the tabernacle, the house of the Lord. The Israelites have been asked to offer their belongings and their services to build the tabernacle, but before they are called to service, they are called to rest. I almost missed this part. But God is serious, so serious that He said those who refuse Sabbath rest will be put to death.

Put to death because you do not rest.

As a diligent worker, I can see why. Even if I am doing church work, sometimes especially if I am doing church work, I can miss the importance of rest, refreshment, re-filling of the Spirit in the urgency of my tasks. Yes, diligence is important, but also is rest.

So as I sat with my Bible open this morning reading these words, I can hear our Father saying, "You need to rest!."

Because often I can work myself to death -- work so hard that I hurt myself and even hurt others as I try to serve them, because I run out of Spirit and serve only out of myself. Myself is never enough, never transforming, merely wood, hay and stubble. I have been praying and praising, but not as diligent in reading and reflecting on the Word. I have been moving too fast and need to slow down.

So we are packing our car and driving off to Camp of the Woods, to refresh our spirits as well as our minds and bodies. Then we will return ready to work and serve with the Love of our Father. Because we will be full -- of Him.

Christina Ruglio, Magna Cum Laude

2011-05-20T21:03:00.002-04:00

Today at the Izod Arena, Christina Ruglio, age 23, graduated from Montclair State University. Yesterday morning at the convocation ceremony, her name was read, "Christina Ruglio, Magna Cum Laude" meaning high honors.

Christina is an amazing woman! In under 5 years, Christina not only managed to get a degree, but also worked part time, throughout the majority of her education, taking classes year-round. She also was a single parent to our grandson, Giovanni, who will turn 5 years old next month. She personified what was spoken today by Emmy Award-winning television personality Raúl de Molina who gave the commencement address: “Anything is possible. Never give up, always keep trying, and I can assure you that your dreams will become a reality sooner or later.”

Father, thank You. Only You! This was such a God thing! Please continue to keep Your hand on her life and guide her and keep her close to you!

So celebrate this festival

2011-05-01T07:27:00.005-04:00

Exodus 13-14

"So celebrate this festival at the appointed time each year... And in the future, your children will ask you, 'What does all this mean?' Then you will tell them, 'With the power of his mighty hand, the Lord brought us out of Egypt, the place of our slavery'... This ceremony will be like a mark branded on your hand or your forehead. It is a reminder that the power of the Lord’s mighty hand brought us out of Egypt."

When I returned to the place of study I was at when I started the gospel of Mark during lent, I find myself at the first Passover, and these verses. Because I worked in the church, I know that pastors often struggle with Easter services, as they try to keep it fresh every year, not only for the congregation, but for themselves. Sometime, they drift away from the traditional stories because, they figure, we have heard it so many times before.

Perhaps they do a us all a disservice. Easter, like Passover, is a celebration of deliverance, something to remember, something to perpetually celebrate because we forget, it can become common place. Immediately following in the text of Exodus, the Israelites find themselves between the powerful armies of Egypt and the Red Sea, but that was exactly where God had led them. We hear the plans of God in the text:

"And once again I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and he will chase after you. I have planned this in order to display My glory through Pharaoh and his whole army. After this the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord!"

When the Israelites realize where they are in the natural, they react in terror. I should not blame them, I would too! Actually, I have too. But it was God's plan and His plan was for their freedom and His glory!! Isn't that what our pain, our trials, are about too?

See how soon the Israelites forgot God's love and His power! We too forget.

So, as God commanded the Israelites to celebrate the Passover annually, we too must celebrate with routine, with passion, without apology, the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. He had risen from the dead and He lives. And because He lives, we are all victors with Him.

It is not only a blind tradition of our fathers. It is wisdom to look back every year at this season and remember the life of Jesus. To read of His great and passionate compassion. To remember His humility and service. To be awed again of His miraculous powers. To weep with Him over those who would not believe. To be ashamed at those who abandoned Him and killed Him. To delight again with Him in His victory over death.

Let us remember and celebrate over and over again. Let our children learn and carry on the traditions that strengthen our faith as we remember.

Remember. And celebrate.

He has risen!

2011-04-24T22:45:00.003-04:00

Mark 16:1-8

Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb and they asked each other, "Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?"

We worry about goofy stuff. As they are walking to the tomb, they ask themselves this question. Actually, in the end, this question was irrelevant. Because Jesus was not there anyway. Certainly it was their love of God, and God's love for them that drew them there, but the details, they did not know.

God is a God of surprises. Sometimes He does not mean to surprise us. Here Jesus told them this was going to happen, but we can't get it, wrap our arms around it until it happens.

Jesus, You concurred death. You rose again. You are eternal and above death and Your Spirit will cause me also to rise to be with You forever. What a beautiful end to this story. You win, therefore we win.

"You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.' "

You rose and we tell. Go and tell. Father, encourage me to get busy about going and telling. Even if they will not hear it. Our response to such good news is to share it. Help me have courage to do this, Beloved.

a very large stone against the door of the tomb

2011-04-23T07:36:00.002-04:00

Mark 15:40-47

As evening had already come, since it was the day of Preparation, that is, [the day] before the Sabbath, Joseph, he of Arimathea, noble and honorable in rank and a respected member of the council (Sanhedrin), who was himself waiting for the kingdom of God, daring the consequences, took courage and ventured to go to Pilate and asked for the body of Jesus.

But Pilate wondered whether He was dead so soon, and, having called the centurion, he asked him whether Jesus was already dead. And when he learned from the centurion that He was indeed dead, he gave the body to Joseph.

And Joseph bought a fine linen cloth for swathing dead bodies, and, taking Him down from the cross, he rolled Him up in the fine linen cloth and placed Him in a tomb which had been hewn out of a rock. Then he rolled a very large stone against the door of the tomb.

There is always a remnant. Although the crowd mocked and spat on Him, there were those who waited and watched from afar, looking for God's timing to act. And we find several woman and a man named here who were doing just that.

Mary Magdalene, and Mary the mother of James the younger and of Joses, and Salome were women of courage, who may have watched from afar, but could not leave Him. They watched the crucifixion, and then watched Jesus be buried in the tomb, waiting for their time to act. They were in no hurry to run before God's timing, but nor were they far away. They watched and waited.

Joseph, who was not even part of Jesus' party, was the man who stepped in with courage. Courage seemed to be the word here, as the story closes. Some had courage. Some did not. The ones who did were able to act on the behalf of God in a bold way, and see how God paved the way for Joseph -- Pilot allowed him to have the Body.

Watchfulness, patience, courage. All are needed to be part of the remnant, to be fruitfully used by God. Missing watchfulness means you miss it, you can not hear the message of God and know what to do for the time. Missing patience means you are reckless and can move ahead and therefore away from God. Missing courage means you are inactive and miss out on the power of God in effective service to Him. We need His power because the stone in front of the tomb is too big for us alone. But in Him, all things are possible!

Father, help me have all three of these things. Allow me to stay close to You, listening always, not running ahead, but neither lagging behind in what You would have me do. Allow me to have the balance of these three things by being well rooted in You.

Use me too, Beloved. I want to see Your power in me. Your power, not mine. And I will give You glory.

Crucify Him!

2011-04-22T23:50:00.004-04:00

Mark 15:1-39

“Crucify him!”

“Ha! Look at you now!” they yelled at him. “You said you were going to destroy the Temple and rebuild it in three days. Well then, save yourself and come down from the cross!”

“He saved others,” they scoffed, “but he can't save himself! Let this Messiah, this King of Israel, come down from the cross so we can see it and believe him!”

At this brief interval, the Man who crowds walked miles to see, was alone, mocked and killed. Where were the people He healed? The people He taught? The people He fed? Not to be found in this crowd. This Man who spent His life loving people is hated and ridiculed by His own people. His own family! Even His disciples, those who He pulled closest to Him, who He told His secrets to, abandoned Him.

Finally came the final straw... “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?” It seems to Jesus that even His Father turned His back on Him.

How this must have hurt You, to be rejected by the very people You came to serve, to save, to heal! They rejected You, or were too afraid of the consequences to truly love You. And Your Father in heaven who You faithfully obeyed even to the point of death, even He seems to abandons You.

Beyond the pain of emotional isolation, there is the futility of pride here. How does a mere mortal mock God and live? We try to control life but it is out of our control. But here, in this fragment of the story, we see evil triumph and good take a hit.

But even in the darkness, there are those who see... “This man truly was the Son of God!” This is how I want to be, I want to see You in truth. Even with all that went on, this man was still able to see through it all to the truth.

Father, open the eyes of my heart. I want to see You.

and they prepared the Passover meal

2011-04-21T22:32:00.002-04:00

Mark 14

As the time grows short, here is written a profile of those who loved Him, those who hated Him, she who worshipped Him with abandon, he too fearful to be known as His friend, he who in his stubborn willfulness betrayed Him. All line up as the story draws to an end.

Mary ... there came a woman with an alabaster vial of very costly perfume of pure nard; and she broke the vial and poured it over His head. How she loved Him! So she worshipped Him. She alone seems to understand His words, His prediction. And because she sided with His party, she is ridiculed and shamed, but see, her Savior champions her... "Truly I say to you, wherever the gospel is preached in the whole world, what this woman has done will also be spoken of in memory of her."

Judas ... then Judas Iscariot, who was one of the twelve, went off to the chief priests in order to betray Him to them. Judas could not accept the truth of who Jesus was and also, what He planned to do. We will never really know what was in Judas' heart that night when he went to the chief priests to betray the Lord of Glory, we can only guess. My guess is the sin of stubborn pride. Judas knew better. He thought he was right. In reality, no one was ever more wrong.

Peter ... But Peter kept saying insistently, "Even if I have to die with You, I will not deny You!" And they all were saying the same thing also. Although Peter is highlighted as the one who denied Jesus, we see as the story continues that all run from Him. None can even stay awake to keep watch and pray with Him. Peter's response is the what makes him different from Judas: And Peter remembered how Jesus had made the remark to him, "Before a rooster crows twice, you will deny Me three times." And he began to weep. Peter is sorrowful in his sin. Confession is in his heart as soon as he awakens to his sin.

Mark ... Tradition holds that this segment is autobiographical: And they all left Him and fled. A young man was following Him, wearing nothing but a linen sheet over his naked body; and they seized him. But he pulled free of the linen sheet and escaped naked. Mark makes this confession about himself. How daringly honest! We can be encouraged that this fearful naked man wrote a gospel.

Jewish Council ... Now the chief priests and the whole Council kept trying to obtain testimony against Jesus to put Him to death, and they were not finding any. For many were giving false testimony against Him, but their testimony was not consistent.They were going to have their way. By truth or by lies, they wanted to be rid of Jesus. How they hated Him! In the end, Jesus' truthful testimony allows them to claim blastphemy and to condemn Him to death:

"Are You the Christ, the Son of the Blessed One?"

And Jesus said, "I am; and you shall see THE SON OF MAN SITTING AT THE RIGHT HAND OF POWER, and COMING WITH THE CLOUDS OF HEAVEN."

Tearing his clothes, the high priest said, "What further need do we have of witnesses? You have heard the blasphemy; how does it seem to you?" And they all condemned Him to be deserving of death.

This Man Jesus, is not a good teacher. He is God, as He claims. All of His miracles point to this truth.

But not only must we embrace truth, we must embrace Him. We must worship Him. We must humble ourselves and weep when we go astray, and then Jesus demonstrates His love by welcoming us back.

Father, allow me to be more like Mary, worshipping You with reckless abandon. Allow me to notice my sin quickly and weep like Peter, knowing You saw my sin from afar and yet still love me! Let me not be afraid to confess truely who I am with all my faults before others so that they can be encouraged, as Mark did.

Let me not only know the truth but also embrace you as my Beloved!

Stay at your post. Keep watch.

2011-04-20T22:49:00.004-04:00

Mark 13

As he walked away from the Temple, one of his disciples said, "Teacher, look at that stonework! Those buildings!"

Jesus said, "You're impressed by this grandiose architecture? There's not a stone in the whole works that is not going to end up in a heap of rubble."

We are just so impressed with ourselves and our creations and our world. Like this is our world. But it is not. Reminds me of that sweet old hymn:

This is my Father's world: He shines in all that's fair;
in the rustling grass I hear Him pass; He speaks to me everywhere.

Everything we have created in this world will pass away, not one stone will be left on another. This is His world and He is coming back for it. We cannot know when He is coming nor can we stop Him.

"the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light;
the stars will fall from the sky, and the heavenly bodies will be shaken."

Father, we forget, in our busy-ness that you are in charge and rule over all things. You will return to shake things up and to take over. We can only wait, watch and be ready.

"It's like a man who takes a trip, leaving home and putting his servants in charge, each assigned a task, and commanding the gatekeeper to stand watch. So, stay at your post, watching. You have no idea when the homeowner is returning, whether evening, midnight, cockcrow, or morning. You don't want him showing up unannounced, with you asleep on the job. I say it to you, and I'm saying it to all: Stay at your post. Keep watch."

Father, allow me to see Your face in all things. Let the sweetness and colors of spring remind me You are coming again to take over and take the world away and give us Your kingdom in all its completeness and grandeur! I am so timid to speak of You, Jesus, but only You can save them. I must redeem the time because I do not know how much more time we have.

Make me bold. Make me ready. Make me more like You.

she gave extravagantly...she gave her all

2011-04-19T20:39:00.002-04:00

Mark 12:35-44

Sitting across from the offering box, [Jesus] was observing how the crowd tossed money in for the collection. Many of the rich were making large contributions. One poor widow came up and put in two small coins—a measly two cents. Jesus called his disciples over and said, "The truth is that this poor widow gave more to the collection than all the others put together. All the others gave what they'll never miss; she gave extravagantly what she couldn't afford—she gave her all."

I love it when the pastor says at church collection time how God doesn't need our money. Of course the treasurer says something different on the day he reports on the church budget! But it is true, God does not seem to look and give extra credit to those who give more, or who have positions in the church, or who are scholars, although those things may be good.

The giving thing is a test--and God already knows our score. It is a test to see how much we trust God, how much we believe in His provision and His promises. How much we truly love others. The test score is for us to see where our heart is, how big our faith is.

As Jesus saw and extravagantly praised the widow with her two measly cents, so He sees and is blessed by my small contribution to the Body of Christ and the advance of His kingdom. Maybe my offering is small, but it is all I have.

Beloved, You do not call my offering small or unimportant. As I give my all to You, You are pleased, delighted, calling to Your friends, "See, Barbara's husband has committed his life to me, and now they are giving back by doing that marriage course!" You rejoice over me, over us. Help me remember and rejoice with You!

much more than burnt offerings

2011-04-16T22:07:00.004-04:00

Mark 12:13-24

Later the leaders sent some Pharisees and supporters of Herod to trap Jesus into saying something for which he could be arrested. "Teacher," they said, "we know how honest you are. You are impartial and don't play favorites. You teach the way of God truthfully. Now tell us—is it right to pay taxes to Caesar or not? Should we pay them, or shouldn't we?"

Jesus saw through their hypocrisy and said, "Why are you trying to trap me?"

With Jesus, attitude is everything. He sees right through all three groups and can tell what is really on their hearts. The Pharisees aren't seeking God's wisdom but trying to show Him up. Same with the Sadducees. It was only the last teacher who was interested in truth, and it was him that Jesus commended:

Realizing how much the man understood, Jesus said to him, "You are not far from the Kingdom of God."

We learn the ways of God and know our Bible, but it is our heart and our willingness to learn that makes the difference with God. I listen to teaching, but am I open to change? Am I open to what God is trying to tell me? All the teaching in the world will not help if I cannot hear it and apply it to my life.

Father, help me be open, allow me to listen to those who see my blind spots and point them out to me. Don't let me allow pride or fear get in the way of confession and apologizing.

... to love Him out of and with all the heart and with all the understanding, with the faculty of quick apprehension and intelligence and keenness of discernment, and with all the strength, and to love one's neighbor as oneself, is much more than all the whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.

Father, help me to show my love for You in all my actions.

Come, let us kill Him

2011-04-15T20:57:00.005-04:00

Mark 12:1-12

"A man planted a vineyard and set a hedge around it, dug a place for the wine vat and built a tower. And he leased it to vinedressers and went into a far country. Now at vintage-time he sent a servant to the vinedressers, that he might receive some of the fruit of the vineyard from the vinedressers. And they took him and beat him and sent him away empty-handed.

Again he sent them another servant, and at him they threw stones, wounded him in the head, and sent him away shamefully treated. And again he sent another, and him they killed; and many others, beating some and killing some. Therefore still having one son, his beloved, he also sent him to them last, saying, 'They will respect my son.'

But those vinedressers said among themselves, 'This is the heir. Come, let us kill him, and the inheritance will be ours.' So they took him and killed him and cast him out of the vineyard."

I know Jesus knows everything. He knew before He came to earth how the thing was going to end. He knew, He predicted it.

But then He got to experience it in real time. Even though He knew, even though He is God, I can imagine how He felt.

He created the earth for us. Planted the gardens, placed the stars into space and the sun and moon orbiting around us just right. He created the animals one by one and finally, His crown creation, man and woman. Then we sinned and could not find the way out, even with the map of the Law. No, the problem was deep within our hearts.

So Jesus left paradise and came to the vineyard to save us. And how did that go?

"Come, let us kill him, and the inheritance will be ours."

We think we have control. We try to manipulate life. Even my prayers are trying to get the best for my family, but what do I know of best?

This is Your world, and everything and everyone in it. Nothing exists or happens outside of Your permission and control. Father, You have given us everything. In return You just wanted some of Your own fruit.

Father, You felt this in real time, this rejection of Your Beloved Son! "They will respect my son!" No, they did not. They killed Him and cast Him out of the vineyard. How Your heart must have broke! How sad and frustrating it must have been, Jesus, to look into the eyes of these children of Yours that You had created and dearly loved, and have them not recognize You, have them hate You. Maybe this is why You give us teenagers, to help us understand this gut-wrenching feeling.

I am sorry, Father, for all the times I have grasped for control, not trusting You. Forgive me for trying to get my way, because I thought it was "better." How arrogant! Help me to be forgiving and humble, as You were.

I thank You that You came anyway. Help me lean into You and allow You to have Your way with me. Lord, Thy Kingdom Come!

This was the LORD's doing, and it is marvelous in our eyes.

Show us your credentials

2011-04-14T21:25:00.002-04:00

Mark 11:27-33

The high priests, religion scholars, and leaders came up and demanded, "Show us your credentials. Who authorized you to speak and act like this?"

Jesus responded, "First let me ask you a question. Answer my question and then I'll present my credentials. About the baptism of John—who authorized it: heaven or humans? Tell me."

They were on the spot, and knew it. They pulled back into a huddle and whispered, "If we say 'heaven,' he'll ask us why we didn't believe John; if we say 'humans,' we'll be up against it with the people because they all hold John up as a prophet." They decided to concede that round to Jesus. "We don't know," they said.

Jesus replied, "Then I won't answer your question either."

Show me. Prove it to me. I get to judge if it is right or not. I must decide if it is true or not.

It begins to help me understand why God treasures humility. We are not to judge God. We are to seek God. We are to be open to the truth God gives us, not to judge Him and His words.

The religious leaders were not seeking God or truth, instead they were testing Jesus. But by definition, Jesus' answers are the right ones. They were playing a game with Jesus, one they were trying to win and make Jesus lose. But by definition, Jesus is the winner.

John the Baptist and Jesus had plenty of credentials. That's why people followed them. They were different. They had power in their words, and Jesus had the powers of heaven at His command. Anyone near Him could see that plain enough.

If they were willing to look.

Jesus did not plead with them to believe Him and His message. Nor was He deterred. He knew who He was and did not have to prove Himself. He knew where He was going and how He was going to save and not even the powers of hell could stop Him.

Father, help me to always have the humility to seek You in every situation. To be open to who You really are, not what I expect You to be. Help me to have the poise You had here, to know who I am in You, to know You will be with me where ever I go, and that all the powers of hell will not stop Your kingdom from coming.

Let it come quickly, Lord Jesus!

Hosanna in the highest!

2011-04-13T22:59:00.005-04:00

Mark 11:1-26

And they brought the colt to Jesus and threw their outer garments upon it, and He sat on it. And many of the people spread their garments on the road, and others scattered a layer of leafy branches which they had cut from the fields.

And those who went before and those who followed cried out with a cry of happiness, Hosanna! Be graciously inclined and propitious to Him! Praised and blessed is He Who comes in the name of the Lord! Praised and blessed in the name of the Lord is the coming kingdom of our father David! Hosanna (O save us) in the highest heaven!

Praise and prayer and forgiveness.

The common people loved Jesus. They saw a Savior in Him. They saw Him as the coming King, worthy of worship and adoration with joy. The religious leaders instead saw a threat and wanted to kill Him. Jealousy and fear filled their hearts.

Let me seek the love of the common people, as You did, Jesus. Let me love them one at a time, as You did. Allow me to feel Your pleasure as I minister one at a time. Release my heart from wanting to be noticed or sought after by the movers and shakers of the world. You are the biggest Mover and Shaker. You always see me and notice what I am doing. You always read every word I write, remember every sigh and success, keep all my tears in a bottle, wink at me from Your stage.

Jesus threw out the vendors and money changers in the temple reminding them all that His temple was a house of prayer. And later He reminds us again of the boldness of prayer. Pray for anything, even the impossible, especially the impossible! Our God is a god of miracles, and we need to expect them, remember them, trust for them, ask for them with the confidence of a beloved daughter. Prayer is a sacred thing, it can not be bought and sold. It is a free gift, lavished with love. We don't need to have in order to receive. We don't need to buy in order to receive. We just need to wait and trust with arms open.

Lastly, a requirement of prayer is forgiveness. Tonight I was reminded that all is not as it seems. We cannot know what lies in the depth of the hearts of others: their pain and their motivation. Often, I do not understand my own heart. Love mercy.

And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)

Praise and prayer and forgiveness. That is what church should be about. That is what my heart should be about. And Jesus will ride in, humbly on a colt.

Beloved Jesus, I praise You! You have given me everything I need. Remind me of Your mercy and humility so that I can walk in Your ways. May I always be among those who praise You and trust You alone to save me. Hosanna in the highest!

Many tried to hush him up, but he yelled all the louder

2011-04-12T21:25:00.005-04:00

Mark 10:46-52

A blind beggar by the name of Bartimaeus, was sitting alongside the road. When he heard that Jesus the Nazarene was passing by, he began to cry out, "Son of David, Jesus! Mercy, have mercy on me!" Many tried to hush him up, but he yelled all the louder, "Son of David! Mercy, have mercy on me!"

Jesus stopped in his tracks. "Call him over."

They called him. "It's your lucky day! Get up! He's calling you to come!" Throwing off his coat, he was on his feet at once and came to Jesus.

Jesus said, "What can I do for you?"

The blind man said, "Rabbi, I want to see."

"On your way," said Jesus. "Your faith has saved and healed you." In that very instant he recovered his sight and followed Jesus down the road.

If he was quiet, would Jesus have passed him by? If he was not so insistent, would he have not been healed?

This story is similar to the Syro-Phoenician woman from chapter 7 as Jesus is impressed with the faith of both. Both the woman and blind Bartimaeus want it more and are willing to be more insistent. Both are willing to push past ridicule and and rejection to ask for what they need. They are more focused on their savior than the crowd.

Bartimaeus' request follows only after he repeatedly acknowledges who Jesus is. Only after he casts off his outer garment, shaking off the old life to embrace the new.

"Rabbi, I want to see."

But he already sees better than some of the others because he can clearly see who Jesus is, what He can do and what He is willing to do.

He is able to heal you. He is willing to heal you. Even me.

Father, even now, I struggle to have this much faith. Through Your mercy, I can see who You are, as You have opened my eyes. But my faith to believe in Your healing needs strengthening. Bring to my mind all the times You have given me provision, healing, my heart's desire so I can be bold to trust You and ask.

Even when they try to hush me up, let me tell all the louder of Your love. For You have saved me.

the highest places of honor

2011-04-09T21:15:00.003-04:00

Mark 10:32-45

He took the Twelve and began again to go over what to expect next. "Listen to me carefully. We're on our way up to Jerusalem. When we get there, the Son of Man will be betrayed to the religious leaders and scholars. They will sentence him to death. Then they will hand him over to the Romans, who will mock and spit on him, give him the third degree, and kill him. After three days he will rise alive."

James and John, Zebedee's sons, came up to him. "Teacher, we have something we want you to do for us."

"What is it? I'll see what I can do."

"Arrange it," they said, "so that we will be awarded the highest places of honor in your glory—one of us at your right, the other at your left."

For all of His ministry, Jesus talked in parables, metaphors, word pictures and such. Finally here, as the time is drawing near, He calls the 12 closer to tell them clearly and explicitly what was going to happen to Him. It was really important that they understood and were prepared for what was about the happen. And when I read this as one section, I can see here how they totally missed it.

Jesus was on His way to death and there are concerned with seating arrangements and their career path.

Glory and honor belongs to she who serves. But first, we need to at least listen.

See here how they are not really paying attention to what Jesus is saying. They are too much into their own business, their own stuff, their own agenda. They totally miss the point.

Father, how much do I miss the point because I, like the disciples, are into my own stuff? Do I listen to You? Do I remember? Do I act on my faith when it counts? I have a hard enough time listening to Al when he is in the same room, how much more trouble it is to hear Your voice to me?

Father, I hear You saying I need to pray with my eyes shut, not when I am driving or doing dishes. I need to focus on You alone for that time of prayer. I need to sit more and listen more and do less. What good is doing anything for Kingdom glory if it is not at all what You are wanting me to do?

Let me be still and hear Your voice, and be reminded that You are God.

Sell everything

2011-04-08T22:09:00.005-04:00

Mark 10:17-31

As [Jesus] went out into the street, a man came running up, greeted Him with great reverence, and asked, "Good Teacher, what must I do to get eternal life?"

Jesus said, "Why are you calling Me good? No one is good, only God. You know the commandments: Don't murder, don't commit adultery, don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, honor your father and mother."

He said, "Teacher, I have—from my youth—kept them all!"

Jesus looked him hard in the eye—and loved him! He said, "There's one thing left: Go sell whatever you own and give it to the poor. All your wealth will then be heavenly wealth. And come follow Me."

The man's face clouded over. This was the last thing he expected to hear, and he walked off with a heavy heart. He was holding on tight to a lot of things, and not about to let go...

Jesus said... "Children, how hard it is for those who trust (place their confidence, their sense of safety) in riches to enter the kingdom of God!"

My friend Sandy asked me about the fast I am doing now, why am I doing it. It's complicated and today I was thinking it through.

Faith, real faith, is about action.

Oh, yes, our salvation is from Christ alone, there is nothing we can do to make God love us more, and thankfully, nothing we can do to make Him love us less. And yet, if we say we have faith, if we say we believe, we must do things, live in a way, that is according to those beliefs, otherwise, then, we really don't believe what we say.

The fast is something Al and I are doing with a church we attend, so there are rules for the fast, the Daniel Fast, which is what we are doing. And I was excited about it at first, until I realized I had to give up coffee too. Food, ok, but the coffee, I am addicted to that caffeine fix, literally. I felt the push back as soon as I read that part of the fast. I considered, honestly, changing my mind and not doing it.

I sing with the crowd on Sunday evenings "with everything, with everything, we will shout for Your glory..." and yet, it is too uncomfortable, for Your glory, to give up a cup of coffee in the morning.

With everything means everything--like all of it. Talk is cheap, but what would happen, if I tried to walk it for say, 21 days? I mean, I need to know.

So I am fasting, there, I said it. And I am praying. It is not about weight loss, as who can lose weigh with all the rice and beans I am eating? It is like running a marathon--I am doing it because I need to know, I want to see what that feels like, what it is like, to praise Him, honor Him, love Him with everything.

Will Jesus love me more than you? Will He answer my prayers more than yours? Will some glorious thing fall out of the sky to me because I did this that would not have happened if I did not?

It does not matter. It's not about that. It is about me feeling what it is like to offer Him more of myself. Me getting closer to giving everything, selling everything. And ultimately it is about Him. Because I can't do it anyway. I have to let God do it.

That set the disciples back on their heels. "Then who has any chance at all?" they asked.

Jesus was blunt: "No chance at all if you think you can pull it off by yourself. Every chance in the world if you let God do it."

God of all days, glorious in all of Your ways.
Your majesty, the wonder and grace, in the light of Your name.

With everything, with everything,
We will shout for Your glory.

So let hope rise, and darkness tremble in Your holy light,
And every eye will see Jesus, our God, great and mighty to be praised. (With Everything - Hillsong)

simplicity of a child

2011-04-07T23:11:00.003-04:00

Mark 10:1-15

"God made male and female to be together. Because of this, a man leaves father and mother, and in marriage he becomes one flesh with a woman—no longer two individuals, but forming a new unity...

A man who divorces his wife so he can marry someone else commits adultery against her. And a woman who divorces her husband so she can marry someone else commits adultery."

It's hard to live with a man. I know, I do. The other ones, the ones you are not living with--not putting up with their long hours at work, bad tempers, annoying habits--they always look more attractive.

But that is because you are looking at them from afar.

It seems so much easier to discard the old and get something new and better. But it is a big lie. Love is really about what happens inside the commitment, the one-ness. It is about submission and sacrifice, patience and forgiveness, and those are not bad things. In the end they are life-giving and full of joy. In our disposable society, it is so tempting to allow your marriage to flow apart. It is so much work to keep it together, but it is worth it.

More than that, Jesus commands it. It is clearer in the Message translation: relationship hopping was never God's intent. It ruins the spirit of the completeness and union He intended in creation. "It is not good for the man to be alone." We are blessed as we cleave together and stay together.

Father, thank You for giving me a blessed marriage. Help me to guard my heart to be faithful always to my man, the one You gave me. Allow my heart to have the simplicity of a child in trusting that Your ways are right and true in asking us to commit totally to our marriage union. Let our example encourage others to do the same, to show it is possible to stay together and stay in love, as we entrust our lives and hearts to You.

take last place and be the servant of everyone else

2011-04-06T21:47:00.004-04:00

Mark 9:30-50

The Son of Man is going to be betrayed into the hands of His enemies. He will be killed, but three days later He will rise from the dead...

Whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone else...

Anyone who welcomes a little child like this on My behalf welcomes Me, and anyone who welcomes Me welcomes not only Me but also My Father who sent Me...

If anyone gives you even a cup of water because you belong to the Messiah, I tell you the truth, that person will surely be rewarded...

If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off.

The path to greatness, the road to success is about death, being last, welcoming children, service, leaving your sin behind, violently if need be. It is opposite of the way of the world. It is self-sacrificing, humiliating, lonely and painful.

This is the road Jesus took. He did not demand worship, though He was God and deserved worship. Instead, He offered service and sacrifice. He healed and fed and comforted and taught.

No one wants to volunteer for this part of it, but this is the only way. And He did not, from the comfort of heaven, only point to it and teach it to us. No, He came and showed us. He went first. And so we must follow.

Father, forgive me when I forget that the small acts of service, unnoticed, are unimportant. You see it all and are pleased and will reward. Remind me to flee sin, to be violent and resolute about it if need be. Renew my heart by Your whisper that tells me You see me and I am Your beloved child. I love You!

His face and person yet glistening

2011-04-05T21:00:00.003-04:00

Mark 9:14-29

And immediately all the crowd, when they saw Jesus returning from the holy mount, His face and person yet glistening, they were greatly amazed and ran up to Him and greeted Him.

And He asked them, About what are you questioning and discussing with them?

And one of the throng replied to Him, Teacher, I brought my son to You, for he has a dumb spirit. And wherever it lays hold of him so as to make him its own, it dashes him down and convulses him, and he foams at the mouth and grinds his teeth, and he falls into a motionless stupor and is wasting away. And I asked Your disciples to drive it out, and they were not able to do it.

Jesus had just been transfigured, for a few moments, morphing into who He really is in glory, beyond His human body, and with the remains of that glory still clinging to Him, He returns down the mountain to the crowd.

But they don't notice!

They are intent on their own questions, their own problems, their own agenda. And even in hindsight, I have read this so many times, that I almost miss it as I read.

Jesus is God Almighty, glorious, glistening, other-worldly in substance and power is in their midst.

Oh, they do flock to Him, but not in worship, but with their issues. He knows He is almost at the end of His time on earth and His disciples will need to carry on, but they can't yet. They could not cast out this demon and heal the boy. But Jesus in His compassion and humility, is not deterred nor does He rebuke them. Instead He heals and encourages their faith and belief in Him.

This man, the father, is smart enough to know that although Jesus' disciples were unable to heal, Jesus still could. We could learn from this father. When the disciples of Jesus let us down, when the church lets us down, when our Christian friends let us down, (and they will!) still we need to run to Jesus who is greater, always greater.

Father, I am just like them! I run to You in prayer, but it is with my list and not to bow at You feet to worship You in glory! I do not notice that Your face is glistening. I focus instead on my agenda, my issues, my concerns. Father, remind me to begin my prayers with worship of You, in Your holiness and beauty and compassion and faithfulness and might. As I notice these things, as I ponder these things, it helps my unbelief.

be treated with utter contempt

2011-04-02T22:25:00.002-04:00

Mark 9:1-13

Jesus’ appearance was transformed and His clothes became dazzling white, far whiter than any earthly bleach could ever make them. Then Elijah and Moses appeared and began talking with Jesus ... Then a cloud overshadowed them, and a voice from the cloud said, “This is my dearly loved Son. Listen to him.” Suddenly, when they looked around, Moses and Elijah were gone, and they saw only Jesus with them.

Here it is again, that other reality breaking into our world. Jesus is transformed before Peter, James and John, His glory temporarily breaking through His humanity. I love how The Message describes it: "His appearance changed from the inside out, right before their eyes." The Holy Spirit inside Him broke through.

This is the transformation I want too! I long for the Holy Spirit You have given me to transform my heart and my mind so that I can display Your glory.

And yet, this glorious Jesus allowed mere men to treat Him with utter contempt. He hid His glory from their eyes and submitted to their hatred and violence, in order to save us.

They did not recognize Him. Nor did they see His world.

Father, help me to see and to live in Your kingdom reality. Give me peace as others also treat me with contempt. Help me to follow You and trust You in all things.

My way, to saving yourself, your true self

2011-04-01T22:46:00.003-04:00

Mark 8:27-38

"Anyone who intends to come with Me has to let Me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow Me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, My way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?

"If any of you are embarrassed over Me and the way I'm leading you when you get around your fickle and unfocused friends, know that you'll be an even greater embarrassment to the Son of Man when He arrives in all the splendor of God, His Father, with an army of the holy angels."

There is a reality beyond what we see. And that reality is huge, enormous, beyond words magnificent. It is hidden from the eyes of the world at large, and the pathway is also hidden to this unseen reality.

The pathway is self-sacrifice.

Everything around us and everything within us fights against this truth. As we see Peter here trying to deter Jesus from destruction from Peter's perception, but Jesus understands, this is the true road to paradise.

Take up your cross.

When we follow Jesus, this is where it leads us. To submission, to rejection, to having less, but having it all. It is not that we enjoy pain, it is an understanding of true worth. Not that we can really understand or even choose the right thing. He chooses for us as we choose to follow Him.

All the disciples knew was that He was the Christ, the Messiah. And that was all they needed to know. After that, they knew they had to follow Him. There was not one else to turn to, and no matter how it turned out, they were in. They sided with His party.

Father, I am here on earth and it is so real to me! I cannot deny my flesh for long and my eyes can see the world so clearly. Mostly as Peter did, I see things merely from a human point of view, not from Yours. Please open my eyes, and when I cannot see, help me to cling to You. I want to follow You even when I cannot see, because only You know the way.

He had spit on the man’s eyes

2011-03-31T22:36:00.003-04:00

Mark 8:1-26

Some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When He had spit on the man’s eyes and put His hands on him, Jesus asked, “Do you see anything?”

He looked up and said, “I see people; they look like trees walking around.”

Once more Jesus put His hands on the man’s eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly.

Not only do I notice that each healing is different in detail, but here I notice an interesting thing.

Jesus is weird.

I mean, why did He spit on the man's eyes? Did He have to do it that way? It's, well, it's disgusting! And as I look at this with new eyes, I notice that if I was there, quite honestly, I would think Jesus was weird and I would start thinking of ways to re-direct Him so He wouldn't be so offensive at times.

Even to the Pharisees, Jesus is downright rude in this passage. Couldn't He be more cordial? More polite? More politically correct? I mean, the Pharisees were the heavy-weights of the religious world.

But Jesus is not weird. He is perfect, by definition. He is God. He doesn't have to impress people, or show people who He is, or try to be popular, or ask people to "Like" Him on Facebook. We don't have to approve or even understand Him. And we certainly do not need to change Him.

So of course, this leads me to remember all the other men I have tried to re-direct. Maybe that was a bad idea. Maybe. Maybe they were more like Jesus than I am, and my definition of weird is off.

Maybe I am being judgmental. Ya think?

Father, help me to see You with new eyes, and to see Your beloveds with new eyes too. Help me be less judgmental and more loving. Let me love even the weird people. Because only then am I loving You.

she kept begging Him

2011-03-30T21:43:00.004-04:00

Mark 7:24-37

At once, a woman whose little daughter had, was under the control of, an unclean spirit heard about Him and came and flung herself down at His feet. Now the woman was a Greek, a Syrophoenician by nationality. And she kept begging Him to drive the demon out of her little daughter.

And He said to her, First let the children be fed, for it is not becoming or proper or right to take the children's bread and throw it to the little house dogs.

But she answered Him, Yes, Lord, yet even the small pups under the table eat the little children's scraps of food.

And He said to her, Because of this saying, you may go your way; the demon has gone out of your daughter permanently.

On Sunday, Pastor Tim talked about prayer and my heart opened up to a great truth: be bold, be honest. Pastor Tim said God always answers: sometimes He says NO, sometimes He says GROW (we need to grow/mature before God can give us what He has planned for us), sometimes He says SLOW (I am always in a hurry, God is not), and sometimes God says GO (or YES, my favorite answer).

For me, it is all about control. I want to know what to expect, what will happen, when I pray. But God is so unpredictable. You never know what He is going to do, or how He is going to answer. I realized then how much I want to control the outcome. Almost like I'd rather pray a lesser prayer and be more confident of the outcome, than to pray the bold prayer and worry about the rejection of getting a NO.

That's why this story is so important. Look how shamelessly bold this Greek woman is! She does not care even how Jesus answers her, she is relentless in her pursuit of a healing for her daughter. Father, this is how I want to be all the time. I want to be totally honest with what I want and think I need so You and I can wrestle with these things and I can receive Your answer in truth. I want to trust You so much that I can rest in You controlling the outcome.

However, contrast this with the story that follows about the deaf mute who was healed. He did NOTHING!! He said nothing. And still Jesus healed him. We cannot control Jesus by doing anything--it is ALL about HIS mercy.

Yesterday I had jury duty. As I went through the process of signing in, being called and questioned, it became very real to me that the judge was in control of my life for perhaps a few days, perhaps a few weeks. There was nothing I could do.

Free fall. That is really how life is, all else is an illusion of control. I need to give it up, Father, and ask for what I need and let the chips fall where they may. I need to rest in the fact of Your wisdom and Your love. In all cases, every answer, the NOs, GROWs, SLOWs and GOs are all a product of your love. You who made me, love me, saved me, are better at choosing. Let me say with those who saw you in Mark's gospel:

He has done everything excellently, commendably and nobly! He even makes the deaf to hear and the dumb to speak!

It comes from within

2011-03-29T22:14:00.003-04:00

Mark 7:1-23

For the Pharisees and all of the Jews do not eat unless [merely for ceremonial reasons] they wash their hands [diligently up to the elbow] with clenched fist, adhering [carefully and faithfully] to the tradition of [practices and customs handed down to them by] their forefathers [to be observed]...

And [Jesus] said, What comes out of a man is what makes a man unclean and renders [him] unhallowed... All these evil [purposes and desires] come from within, and they make the man unclean and render him unhallowed.

We're reading a book by that name, by Andy Stanley. Actually I bought it and Al grabbed it and started reading it first. Here is that scripture-source -- evil comes from our hearts, from within.

It strikes me how "carefully and faithfully" the Pharisees were to follow their own traditions, and how careless and faithless they were about the things of God--the things He specifically laid out in His Law.

How am I different? In my house, I have a way to do things. A way to do the laundry, stack the dishes in the drainer, select foods at the supermarket. Now that I am working full time and Al has been trying to help me more, we talked about that, how I insist on my own way and how that discourages him to help me. Why can't I be just as eager to follow God's clear commands? Why do I insist on my own way?

It's because I think I am so smart, so right, so good. That is just what the Pharisees thought here. They thought they were so smart, so right, so good, that in fact, they totally missed the Messiah, the one their nation had been waiting for.

What am I totally missing?

Father, humble my heart to hear Your Word. Empower my heart to follow Your commands carefully and faithfully. For Your Word is truth and Your commands sweet life to my body. Let me not miss it. Let me see You clearly.

as many as touched Him were restored

2011-03-26T22:00:00.004-04:00

Mark 6:30-56

But many who saw them leaving recognized them and ran on foot from all the towns and got there ahead of them. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them, because they were like sheep without a shepherd. So he began teaching them many things.

This sections starts and ends with the crowds running to Jesus and His great compassion for them. Even though Jesus intended to go away with His disciples for a rest, He was driven with the compassion He had towards His people. He could not turn away from them, and He healed and fed them.

Part of His plan for the disciples, and for us it seems, is to love His people with the deep compassion and passion as He did. But also to grasp and rely on God's power within us. We give up too soon, sense the impossible, even when God fully intends to do the miraculous. I wonder why God does so little in our midst, but do I trust Him for the bigger things? I think to myself, yes, it is foolish that the disciples were amazed that Jesus walked on water after He just fed 5,000 men plus their families with 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread, but am I any different? Is not my heart just as dull as theirs?

And He went up into the boat with them, and the wind ceased (sank to rest as if exhausted by its own beating). And they were astonished exceedingly, beyond measure, for they failed to consider or understand the teaching and meaning of the miracle of the loaves; in fact their hearts had grown callous and had become dull and had lost the power of understanding.

All this action, Lord, can be distracting. It seems what You are really trying to tell us is that You adore us, love us with such tenderness, in fact, that you cannot turn away from our pain and need. But we don't trust You. You did all this because You wanted us to believe and trust You. And I don't enough.

And wherever He came into villages or cities or the country, they would lay the sick in the marketplaces and beg Him that they might touch even the fringe of His outer garment, and as many as touched Him were restored to health.

Beloved, You created universes from Your spoken word, from the heights of the sky to the depths of the sea, to the microscopic parts of our wondrous bodies. Nothing is impossible for You! Allow me to know the difference between the vain imaginations of my own heart, and the truly miraculous that You desire to do with our hands. Help us to run to You, reach out to You, and not be afraid because You Are.

His head on a platter

2011-03-25T21:04:00.006-04:00

Mark 6:14-29

Herod was in awe of John. Convinced that he was a holy man, he gave him special treatment. Whenever he listened to him he was miserable with guilt—and yet he couldn't stay away. Something in John kept pulling him back...

...Unwilling to lose face with his guests, he caved in and let her have her wish. The king sent the executioner off to the prison with orders to bring back John's head.

The story turns back to John the Baptist, demonstrating that loving God is not about getting the life you always wanted, but losing your life. Sometimes, God causes miracles and saves lives. Sometime, inexplicably, almost randomly, evil prevails (see Acts 12). It makes it difficult to believe in God's goodness. Makes you think twice about telling the truth about God's holiness, as that was what John did that cost him his head.

And yet, Father, although I may never lose my head for serving You, I have lost other things, maybe lessor things, but loss just as well. And I hold them up beside You and they are not worthy of my days. Your beauty, siding with Your party was so much sweeter than anything else I could have ever had or done.

But back to Herod. In contrast, he did not have the courage, the humility, whatever it takes to say yes to You. He knew!! He knew what John said was true. And yet, he could not leave the depth of his sin to come to You. He continued to wallow in the mire of it. What a sad, sad man.

And yet, at the time, I am sure as the disciples of John carried his body off to bury him with dignity, they must have wondered about it with deeply broken hearts. Was it worth it? Is God really good?

There are times in our lives where we all wrestle with these things. When I think of people, good people who I loved dearly, who died young, I wonder about Your purpose, Father. But in the end, You are beautiful and true and there is no where else to go. Whatever it takes, whatever I lose, I choose You!

I choose You!

telling everyone they met

2011-03-24T22:41:00.003-04:00

Mark 6:7-13

"... if any community will not receive and accept and welcome you, and they refuse to listen to you, when you depart, shake off the dust that is on your feet, for a testimony against them."

I still worry about what people think of me. I worry about offending them, turning them off to Christianity. I was re-reading Blue Like Jazz today and could really relate to what Don Miller said: "So much of me believes strongly in letting everybody live their own lives, and when I share my faith, I feel like a network marketing guy trying to build my down line." Sometimes when I talk, I feel like I am selling religion, trying to make it sound appealing, or worse, selling my church.

I also feel like I am going to let God down, mess it up for Him with other people. I don't know how to do it right, I don't know how to make people respond well. Truth be told, I am an awful salesman.

The point is not, as Don Miller points out, to get other people to agree with your beliefs, or to change religions, or even become a Christian, whatever that means. It is about introducing them to Jesus. Telling them that I believe Jesus loves me, even likes me. And that He loves them too.

But their response, whether they believe or not, no matter what I tell them, or how I do it, is not about me at all. It is about them. Their choice is to believe or not.

My choice is to be courageous and tell. Or not.

Father, help me to share how You love me, and with these others, in a good and pure way. And help me not to blame myself for their response. It is really between You and them. Not me. Help me see that in a way that encourages me to tell them about You.

So the disciples went out, telling everyone they met to repent of their sins and turn to God. And they cast out many demons and healed many sick people, anointing them with olive oil.

He’s just a carpenter

2011-03-23T21:44:00.003-04:00

Mark 6:1-6

They were deeply offended and refused to believe in him.

Then Jesus told them, “A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his relatives and his own family.” And because of their unbelief, He couldn’t do any miracles among them except to place His hands on a few sick people and heal them. And He was amazed at their unbelief.

In contrast to Jesus being amazed at faith, here He is amazed at unbelief. But even worse, these are the people in His own neighborhood, people who He grew up with, who knew Him.

It is easy to be impressed at someone's faith and spiritual gifts who we do not know, and harder to accept that the people we do know and are close to are able to change and grow in God. But that is unbelief in the power of the Holy Spirit. Help me to remember people grow up Spiritually like my grandson grows tall and to see old friends in new spiritual realms, because the Spirit does work in people, even people we know! I am amazed how God has worked in my husband Al. He is truly a new man! Help me to guard against being offended at the growing faith of others, or being cautious to trust it. Help me to remember that I am really trusting You, Father.

The other point is the lack of Christ's power in the face of their unbelief. On one hand we need to remember, God works often in spite of us. But how much more He would work if we would believe Him for bigger things! I want to find out, Father! I want my faith to be bigger - to be foolish in my trusting in You! Help me, Beloved, trust You more, to trust You totally.

You took a risk of faith

2011-03-22T22:08:00.002-04:00

Mark 5:21-43

Jesus said to her, "Daughter, you took a risk of faith, and now you're healed and whole. Live well, live blessed! Be healed of your plague."

While he was still talking, some people came from the leader's house and told him, "Your daughter is dead. Why bother the Teacher any more?"

Jesus overheard what they were talking about and said to the leader, "Don't listen to them; just trust Me."

I don't trust Jesus for healing. There, I said it, confessed it. I pray, but I don't believe. I pray small so as not to risk looking stupid ... or what?

But the gospels are clear, especially Mark. Jesus doesn't even waste time teaching much, He just does miracles, and especially He heals. He can hardly help Himself. The young and the old. Here we see two especially hopeless cases. This poor woman was sick for decades and treated probably in every different way under the sun. And the girl could not even speak for herself, because she was dead. You don't get much more hopeless than dead.

And each time it is different. The woman with bleeding didn't even want to ask, she felt so unclean and unworthy that she preferred to stay hidden. She only reached to touch Him and was healed. The young girl did not have to do anything, even have faith. She was dead! It was almost like Jesus was just showing off. There is no pattern. There is only mercy and hope.

Faith is a risk. It is a risk to ask the Father, because sometimes He does say no. But when He says yes, what a great miracle that is! How blessed He seems, at the woman's faith, so He blesses her, makes her healed and whole, something that never would have happened if she did not take the risk.

Father, help me take the risk of faith to trust You for the big things and trust that even if You say no, I will be able to withstand it. There are some prayers that will never be answered if I do not pray them. Help me to pray them and not to listen to others, not even to listen to the voice that tells me You will not help me. Let me only hear the one that says, "Just trust Me."

Tell them everything the Lord has done for you

2011-03-20T22:46:00.004-04:00

Mark 5:1-20

Then those who had seen what happened told the others about the demon-possessed man and the pigs. And the crowd began pleading with Jesus to go away and leave them alone.

As Jesus was getting into the boat, the man who had been demon possessed begged to go with him. But Jesus said, “No, go home to your family, and tell them everything the Lord has done for you and how merciful he has been.” So the man started off to visit the Ten Towns of that region and began to proclaim the great things Jesus had done for him; and everyone was amazed at what he told them.

This story of Mark is exhausting, just reading it! Jesus, how comforted I am to know You really understand and can sympathize with the busy-ness of our lives!

Again I find interesting the vastly different reactions to Jesus. They saw the same miracle, the towns people and the man who had been demon possessed, and yet, the townspeople wanted Jesus to go away, and the man who had been demon possessed wanted to go with Jesus. Unlike Matthew and the other disciples, this man was not invited to follow Jesus. His job was no less important: to tell others what had been done for him. This reminds me how we are all called to different things, some to follow Jesus and teach, others to share in testimony, but all are important to the kingdom. Especially people who have experienced a miracle at the hands of Christ, need to be willing to, and invited to tell their story, because it often creates responses of faith.

Jesus, help me to hear where You want me to go, and what You want me to do, not looking to the left or the right, but to follow Your voice and trust You, indeed rest in You. Remind me that the small portion You have given me is important and my contribution is valuable. Let me be active and passionate to show love to others in the way You have shown it to me.

Who is this?

2011-03-19T21:31:00.005-04:00

Mark 4:35-41

Suddenly a windstorm struck the lake. Waves started splashing into the boat, and it was about to sink. Jesus was in the back of the boat with his head on a pillow, and he was asleep. His disciples woke him and said, "Teacher, don't you care that we're about to drown?"

Jesus got up and ordered the wind and the waves to be quiet. The wind stopped, and everything was calm. Jesus asked his disciples, "Why were you afraid? Don't you have any faith?"

Now they were more afraid than ever and said to each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

Today , it struck me why this exercise to blog every day about Mark's gospel is so difficult -- the stories are so familiar. At first glance (and second and third) nothing jumped out at me. But as I diligently mediated on this passage, I am reminded that scripture is so deep, we cannot exhaust it's wealth no matter how many times we study it.

I find so comforting the disciples struggled with the same questions I have when I am facing a storm, even a storm Jesus instructed me to row into: (1) Are You aware? (2) Do You care?

Even though I know how the story ends even before I begin to read it, the disciples did NOT know. As they woke up Jesus, they did not expect Him to calm the storm. Maybe they wanted Him to help bail, or did not want Him to drown in His sleep. They were amazed and surprised when He calmed the sea.

On the other hand, Jesus rebuked them for their lack of faith. After all the miracles they had already seen, His take was, they should not be asking "who is this?" They were the closest to Him. They saw all His miracles. They should have known! They should have known the answers to those questions -- Yes, God is aware and yes, He does care -- PLUS God is powerful enough to intervene -- in a BIG way.

But they did not. And often, neither do I! And I pray feeble little prayers like I have a feeble little God. Forgive me!

Pastor Ed often encourages us to pray: "God surprise me today with Your goodness." That is certainly what Jesus did here--surprised them with His goodness, even with their lack of faith. Matter of fact, it is good to note, even though they did not believe He was aware, cared or could calm the sea, still He did. His mercy does not depend on our faith. Even when we are faithless, He is faithful. (2 Timothy 2:13)

Jesus, I thank You for all the times You have surprised me with Your goodness and Your power. I thank You that Your mercy and goodness does not depend on my faith. Surprise me with Your wonders and goodness anew. Help my faith be contagious and beautiful and give glory to You.

If anyone has ears to hear, let them hear.

2011-03-19T00:02:00.003-04:00

Mark 4:21-34

And [Jesus] said to them, "Is the lamp brought in to be put under a peck measure or under a bed, and not to be put on the lampstand? Things are hidden temporarily only as a means to revelation. For there is nothing hidden except to be revealed, nor is anything temporarily kept secret except in order that it may be made known. If any man has ears to hear, let him be listening and let him perceive and comprehend."

And He said to them, "Be careful what you are hearing. The measure of thought and study you give to the truth you hear will be the measure of virtue and knowledge that comes back to you--and more besides will be given to you who hear. For to him who has will more be given; and from him who has nothing, even what he has will be taken away by force."

We are currently doing a marriage course at church, and a recent class talked about communication. After listening to the teaching I realized how terrible I am at communication, and especially listening, to Al in particular. I have this terrible habit of zoning off into my own little world while listening to the sweet sound of his voice. The worse part is, it hurts Al's feelings deeply when I do this. Often when he realizes I am not listening, he stops talking altogether. I have been trying to be more careful to really pay attention.

Today, I talked to Al during the day, and talked with him after work, while he fixed my car, during dinner, and while he prepared for bed. It was only at almost midnight before he just left for work that he told me the thing laying heaviest on his heart. Last night Al learned that a man from work, only 44 years old, died suddenly. He was a good, honest man, Al said, and he had known him for years. I thought it was funny that he waiting until the last possible second of the day to tell me this. If it was me, I would have come out and told him right off. But Al is not like that. He had to warm up before he could speak of it.

Sometimes I think God is like that too. He wants to see if we are really listening, as we read His word, or listen to teaching, or even when we pray. Are we quiet in our souls? Are our thoughts zoning off into our own little world, as we listen to teaching, or even as we try to pray? Are we too busy doing things and planning things that all we hear is blah blah blah? And when we DO hear, do we obey? Or do we just say, "oh, that's nice," and continue on as before?

I think, like Al, God's feelings are hurt deeply when we do not listen to Him. And He stops talking to us. God longs to be partners with us, in our lives and in building His Kingdom. He wants to tell us everything and help us understand. But He cannot make us listen. That is up to us, our part of the dance we do with Him.

Father in Heaven, please help me to listen to You and to Al with more passion and purpose. It is only by Your mercy we are still on earth together! Help me enjoy our days while we have them. Help me to enjoy You too!

the worries of this life

2011-03-17T22:21:00.003-04:00

Mark 4:1-20

"The farmer plants seed by taking God’s word to others. The seed that fell on the footpath represents those who hear the message, only to have Satan come at once and take it away.

The seed on the rocky soil represents those who hear the message and immediately receive it with joy. But since they don’t have deep roots, they don’t last long. They fall away as soon as they have problems or are persecuted for believing God’s word.

The seed that fell among the thorns represents others who hear God’s word, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the worries of this life, the lure of wealth, and the desire for other things, so no fruit is produced."

After my husband Al committed his life to the Lord, a dear woman from my church, Lyn, would tell me how she continued to pray for his faith fervently. I did not understand this. We prayed so hard for him to receive the Lord, I did not understand why we were not "done" with that request and could go on to pray for other things. But these verses explain that.

Even after, or maybe especially after, we commit our lives to Christ, we continue to have the danger of our fruitfulness being compromised by persecution and the worries of this life. How true I know this! Today, we are concerned about Al's brother, who is in the hospital, without insurance, concerned about his placement into a rehab facility. It consumed my day with worry. Being fruitful is the issue, because when you are concerned about yourself and your issues, you cannot be concerned with expanding the Kingdom. When we do not have the deep roots of good devotional practices, of personal study, worship, prayer, and sitting under good teaching, it is easy to fall away from the truth, even after it has been accepted.

Like babes, new believers must be nurtured and loved, fed and comforted, and after a time, be encouraged and challenged to walk on their own and to give back as they have been given. They need places to go to, but also people with more mature faith, to run after them, as the Good Shepherd, and bring them back to the fold when they stray.

Father thank You for putting people like that in my life. Please help me be that to others. And help me see the worries of this life through the lens of Your love for me and ultimate power. Let me present them to You, placed at the foot of Your cross. And let my fruitfulness be 100-fold!

And the seed that fell on good soil represents those who hear and accept God’s word and produce a harvest of thirty, sixty, or even a hundred times as much as had been planted!

He would send them out to proclaim the Word

2011-03-16T22:40:00.004-04:00

Mark 3:7-35

"I'm warning you. There's nothing done or said that can't be forgiven. But if you persist in your slanders against God's Holy Spirit, you are repudiating the very One who forgives, sawing off the branch on which you're sitting, severing by your own perversity all connection with the One who forgives."

The litmus test is our reaction to Jesus. Everything wrong we do can be forgiven. But if we can not believe Jesus is the God who saves, there is no one left to save us.

But belief must lead to action for it to be real. "The person who obeys God's will is My brother and sister and mother," Jesus says at the end of the chapter. Jesus is inviting us all to become part of His family. It is free but not cheap. It comes with surrender. It is confusing! We cannot do anything to merit or lose God's favor, and yet, obedience must be the RESULT of our faith, or our faith is not real.

The players in the drama continue to have different reactions to Jesus:

The crowd of hurting people were pushing and shoving to get near and touch Him. They wanted something from Him.

Evil spirits recognized Him, fell down and cried out. They knew and feared Him.

His friends heard what was going on and went to rescue Him, by force if necessary. They suspected he was getting carried away with Himself. They wanted to save Him from Himself.

The religion scholars from Jerusalem were spreading rumors that He was working black magic, using devil tricks. They were jealous of Him and wanted to eliminate Him.

Even His own mother, brothers and sisters were concerned about Him. They wanted to mother Him and was not able to believe He was who he was, yet.

Jesus did not allow any of that to deter Him, change His approach or His message.

Father, this is what I need to do as I share my life with others. Share Your message and not be concerned about the reactions of others. I am overly concerned with pleasing people and what their reactions will be to me, and my words about You. Help me to shine Your light and not be concerned with their reactions, only monitor my own reactions, my own motives, my own heart.

Jesus, I want to be Your sister, Your bride! Help my faith so I can better obey in all things, but especially to share Your Good News!

Sabbath Best

2011-03-15T21:23:00.003-04:00

Mark 3:1-6 (MSG)

Then [Jesus] went back in the meeting place where He found a man with a crippled hand. The Pharisees had their eyes on Jesus to see if He would heal him, hoping to catch Him in a Sabbath infraction. He said to the man with the crippled hand, "Stand here where we can see you."

Then He spoke to the people: "What kind of action suits the Sabbath best? Doing good or doing evil? Helping people or leaving them helpless?" No one said a word.

He looked them in the eye, one after another, angry now, furious at their hard-nosed religion. He said to the man, "Hold out your hand." He held it out—it was as good as new! The Pharisees got out as fast as they could, sputtering about how they would join forces with Herod's followers and ruin him.

Agendas. We all have them. Jesus had one and so did the Pharisees. Jesus' agenda was to do His Father's will--teach about the reality of the Kingdom come and to heal. Jesus could not, would not, turn away from the man with the crippled hand. He noticed him right off, and would not leave without healing him. And the consequences did not matter, only following the Father's will for this man to have two good hands.

The Pharisees' agenda was to throw dirt on Jesus. And they did. Nothing would change their minds about Jesus--not what He did or what He said. And even in His anger at them, He still hurt for them, as the Amplified says, "grieved at the hardening of their hearts."

Hearts. We all have them. Does our heart break like Jesus for those who are hurting? Are we more concerned with doing the Father's will and pleasing our Father than pleasing the crowd? Are our words healing and encouraging or are do they accuse, blame and criticize like the Pharisees?

As I think on this, Beloved, I remember all my hurtful accusations, blame and criticism towards those I loved the most. How You must have been grieved at my hard heart! Help me to do the Sabbath Best. Help me to say healing words every day of the week!

new wine and new wineskins

2011-03-13T21:42:00.003-04:00

Mark 2:18-28

And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; if he does, the wine will burst the skins, and the wine is lost and the bottles destroyed; but new wine is to be put in new (fresh) wineskins.

There was a large cement stadium near our home at Foley Field. It has been there for all of my life, however, the last few years it had begun to crumble, and the town voted to have it rebuilt. Today I drove past it, and the large impressive cement structure had been reduced to rubble, large broken up stones waiting to be carted away. Such is life. Old things crumble and can no longer be used, and new things come to take their place.

The same with the Church. The message of good news stays the same, the essence of it, but as culture changes, the expression of it morphs to speak to the next generation. Also, as the scribes show here, sometimes our religious systems get too inbred and we lose the meanings of the law, and instead merely follow the traditions and the rules. It is not that good men mean to go astray, but the truth is, even for the righteous, there is a danger to go off to the left or the right. But God is faithful to allow old damaging ways to begin to crumble, and to be bring in the new to take its place.

As now I am the older woman, it is getting easier for me to hold onto the predictable and comfortable when in fact, it is crumbling and really dangerous like the Foley stadium was.

My grandson, Giovanni, will never remember the old cement Foley stadium. At age 4, he is too young. He will always remember whatever will be built in its place. However, the spirit of the place, a place where town sports can be enjoyed, will remain the same.

Father, help me not fear when the old crumbles, but trust in You, that You are always doing a new thing, and it is good.

side with My party

2011-03-12T07:32:00.010-05:00

Mark 2:13-17

Jesus went out again along the seashore; and all the multitude kept gathering about Him, and He kept teaching them. And as He was passing by, He saw Levi (Matthew) son of Alphaeus sitting at the tax office, and He said to him, Follow Me! [Be joined to Me as a disciple, side with My party!] And he arose and joined Him as His disciple and sided with His party and accompanied Him. (AMP)

It is pretty amazing to be singled out from a multitude of people and to be invited to a party. It is interesting to consider who Jesus invites and how He does it. I love how the Amplified version puts it: "side with My party."

Jesus calls Matthew the tax collector, the sinner and not the religious scribes. Matthew's response is to leave his table and follow Jesus. Contrast this with the scribes, who, as the Amplified Bible puts it, are "belonging to the party of the Pharisees." Unlike Matthew, who recognizes the good news of Jesus calling him, the scribes sit in judgment of Jesus and criticize Him, saying, "Why does He eat and drink with tax collectors and notorious sinners?" Scribes do not side with Jesus' party but instead, belong to another. One has to pick a party. One or the other and not both.

Out of the multitude, Jesus calls us too, to "side with His party." Or we can choose to sit with those others who judge and criticize. And do not be deceived, if we side with Jesus' party, we will also be judged and criticized as well. Worse, when we extend love and mercy and compassion to those who are of the more notorious kind of sinners, we can be misunderstood even by those who claim to believe the Good News.

Thank You, Jesus, for calling me too! Yes, I am glad to follow and side with Your party. But Beloved, sometimes it is difficult to deal with the criticism in a way that honors You, with a peaceful confidence that You are with me. Help me, Beloved! Give me your power to love the those who still have not chosen Your party and to help them to see Your beauty by the type of life I lead and the love I show them. Help me to keep on and not to give up hope. Help me to be patient and trust in You and Your perfect timing!

That you may know

2011-03-11T22:23:00.003-05:00

Mark 2:1-12

Recently I read a Christian book and they were discussing the power guilt had on our lives, and as I read it, I vividly remembered that sin. Maybe you have a sin like this too. It was so ugly and so huge that it never gets forgotten. It does not get talked about because it is too horrific and embarrassing. But worst of all, it is the type of sin that keeps haunting me, as my life journey continues and I meet repeatedly with the same exact temptation again...and I wonder, would I succumb to this sin again?

It keeps coming up like this, and I tell myself, because I know better...Jesus has forgiven me, He has paid the penalty, it is over, and so I take a big breath and life goes on.

Yet still there is this nagging thing in me, did I repent enough? Did I confess to the right people at the right time in the right way? Do I avoid this sin enough? Is there something wrong about me, deep inside me that cannot be righted somehow?

Enter the paralyzed man, from the roof, no less. His friends carry him to see Jesus, unable to get in the door for the crowd, they climb up on the roof, carrying their friend, break open the roof and lower him to Jesus. Jesus takes one look at him and the faith of his friends and is amazed and said "Son, your sins are forgiven."

I can almost picture the paralyzed man, who expected Jesus to heal him, begin to weep as he hears this from Jesus. Because Jesus looked into his heart and saw what the paralyzed man needed most.

What we all need most. Forgiveness.

We can't see forgiveness. It is not big or small, blue or red, smooth or rough. Forgiveness is invisible, like the wind, we cannot see it, only its affects. But that is what He came to do, that was His purpose: our forgiveness. As the Amplified Bible puts it: the penalty is remitted, the sense of guilt removed, and you are made upright and in right standing with God.

Sometimes it is hard to believe Jesus can, or even is willing to forgive us, repeatedly, of our ugly, horrific, devastating sins. Like the scribes did that day, we say to ourselves, Who can forgive sins, remove guilt, remit the penalty, and bestow righteousness instead, except God alone? We have difficulty believing too. So we feel guilty still even when Jesus removed it, we try to pay back with good works or devotions when Jesus remitted the penalty and paid our debt in full, we try to act righteous, when Jesus has bestowed righteousness on us as a free gift.

But Jesus is patient and willing to teach us and show us.

"But that you may know positively and beyond a doubt that the Son of Man has right and authority and power on earth to forgive sins"--[Jesus] said to the paralyzed man, "I say to you, arise, pick up and carry your sleeping mat, and be going on home." And he arose at once and picked up the sleeping mat and went out before them all, so that they were all amazed and recognized and praised and thanked God.

Jesus did miracles as signs. Signs that He is the Christ, the Son of the Living God, and that He has the right and authority and power on earth to forgive sins. He will heal our bodies finally in Heaven. But most importantly, most urgently, He needs us to know beyond a doubt that He has forgiven us our sins. All our sins.

Even that most ugly, horrific, embarrassing sin and He loves us dearly. Anyway.

Beloved Jesus, help me to believe You and and know that guilt is not mine--You have given me Your righteousness!

You are My Beloved Son; in You I am well pleased

2011-03-10T21:18:00.005-05:00

Mark 1:9-45

Jesus bursts into the scene, and Mark's first chapter continues with a whirlwind of activity surrounding Jesus. And all who came into contact with Jesus, reacted to Him differently.

God the Father was well pleased with Him.

The Holy Spirit filled and anointed Him.

Satan tempted Him - to no avail!

Angels cared for Him.

Fishermen of Galilee at once ... left their nets and yielding up all claim to them followed with Him, joining Him as disciples and siding with His party ... abandoning all mutual claims ... left their father... and went off with Him.

Jews in the synagogues who heard His teaching were completely astonished.

Demons recognized and feared Him, obeying His commands.

People who saw His miracles were amazed and almost terrified and spread rumors immediately about Him.

Friends and family brought their sick to Him.

Crowds followed Him, pursuing Him eagerly and hunting Him out.

The leper had faith enough to ask Him for healing. Then healed, the leper disobeyed Jesus' direct command and told everyone about Him.

I ponder, why is it that the demons obeyed Jesus but the healed leper did not? And more importantly, why do the demons obey Jesus and I do not?

But most importantly, what is my response to Jesus? Do I stop enough to consider His power? His mercy? Do I bring my sick friends to Jesus? Do I have the faith to believe, as the leper did, that Jesus can indeed, make us clean? Even though the leper walked away, unable to contain the Good News of the arrival of the God/Man, Jesus, he at least had the faith to believe for his healing. Do I?

Help me, Beloved, to believe in Your power and trust in Your goodness and come to You for the hard things, the astonishing things. I confess that sometimes I ask too little, trying to protect You from looking bad! How silly I am! Allow me, like the leper, to come begging You on my knees and saying -- If You are willing, You are able to make me clean.

I can trust You for the response.

The Beginning of the Good News

2011-03-09T22:13:00.004-05:00

Mark 1:1-8

Lent starts today, Ash Wednesday, according the Catholic calendar. And for the past years, I have not followed the prescription of Lent, the fasting, the ashes, etc.

But this year, I feel called to a fast and when I asked the Lord about it, it feels like this is what He has called me to. A fast of daily devotion to His Word and to write about the story, the beginning of the Good News--the Gospel. And so I picked Mark, the Gospel that starts with John the Baptist and the beginning of Jesus' ministry, to take this daily journey and to write this devotional of sorts.

The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer. And so we begin with Mark 1, when John the Baptism prepares the way for the coming of Jesus. John begins with a call to repentance, which the Amplified Bible defines as a change of one's mind for the better, heartily amending one's ways, with abhorrence of his past sins. Sounds like a message that would be unpopular, but throngs of people came from Judea not only to hear John, but to submit themselves to his baptism.

When God created the world, He spoke it into being with His words. All of creation was formed in this way. Then with man, God formed him lovingly with His own hands and then blew the breath of Life into his nostrils. And all of creation obeys God's words, except for us, His crowning creation, made in His image. Instead, we all have gone astray.

And in the great act of mercy and love, He comes to find us and restore us as Jesus, a poor man and holy God. But before Jesus makes His way onto the center stage, John the Baptist is sent to prepare a people for Him to hear His words of truth and grace.

"The real action comes next," John told the crowd. "The star in this drama, to whom I'm a mere stagehand, will change your life. I'm baptizing you here in the river, turning your old life in for a kingdom life. His baptism—a holy baptism by the Holy Spirit—will change you from the inside out." (Mark 1:7-8 MSG)

Repent. To turn from going our way to His way. Maybe the crowd was tired of the futility of going their own ways. Maybe many were ripe for a savior. I know I am. Led into the water by a man who was humble and truthful, they went, and so too, I want to go. I want this life change, life exchange, my old life for new. I want to experience the breakthrough of truly hating my sins enough to leave them.

Beloved, Jesus, only Your Spirit can do this in my life! Blow on me too, help me repent and follow Your word, as You intended all creation to. Change me too from the inside out! Amen.

Please be guided accordingly

2010-12-22T22:22:00.003-05:00

Have you noticed when you try to stop doing something for your own good, often you find yourself going in the opposite direction to an extreme? Or is it just me?

Now I have been trying to stop mothering everyone, giving unsolicited advice. Why, maybe not as much as my daughters would like, but I am trying. But then I find myself giving all grace and no truth. Allowing others to do as they please and never telling them it is foolish, or even how it is hurting you. But this is not good either.

John 1:14 tells us when Jesus came, He was full of grace and truth. He allows us to go our own way, make our own choices, but not without telling us the truth.

In property management, the position I currently find myself in, I have come across this sentence we use in letters to clients: "Please be guided accordingly." We use this phrase at the close of the letter when we have told them the dire consequences they will face if they continue their current foolishness, such as refusing to pay their bills, park their cars in restricted areas or allowing their children to mark the buildings with chalk. We do this, knowing they may ignore the warnings, indeed it is their choice to do so, but consequences are thoughtfully and carefully explained.

I love this phrase because it reminds me of an important truth.

In the rest of life, there are those we are close to and love and out of that love, we need to point out the dire consequences of continuing in foolishness or hurtful behavior. But then let it lie and allow them to make the choices themselves. We release them with the information and pray they will be guided by it.

Maybe that is clear to you, but to me, this is new. I still need to point out foolishness, hurtful choices, especially when I am the one being hurt. I need to give the truth, and then the grace to allow others to make their decisions, yet still love them.

Truth and grace. Together.

Mercy and truth have met together; Righteousness and peace have kissed. -- Psalm 85:10

the still waters

2010-05-23T21:48:00.002-04:00

It's been a while.

To catch up on my life, as expected, we were kicked out of Claridge House and I was offered a position as an assistant to our company's president. So it ended up, I got a promotion of sorts and I feel great peace where I have ended up. The office is busy and the people are sweet; the location is nice and I am able to go out every day at lunchtime for a walk, or to shop, or to study at the nearby library. God has indeed been caring for me in ways I could not have expected or planned. Al has had the same job for several weeks now and he comes home before I am even out of bed. To be able to cuddle with him each morning has brought much peace. God has provided this schedule for the weeks I needed the car each day to get to my new job. God provided my new job in River Vale where I am no longer able to take the bus, and also provided a job for Al to allow me to take his car every day. How wonderful is that??

So this afternoon I had time to walk to the brook nearby. There is something about that spot, as I stand on the narrow walk bridge over the brook, where I pause and ask God to speak to me.

Today the waters were clear and clean, running briskly and sparking in the sunshine. Up ahead, there was a spot where the waters were still, almost like glass, and you can see the reflection of the trees. And I felt like He was telling me to be still and rest in this moment of peace in my life. He has given me such healing! Of course, there is more to go, but I am so grateful for how He has led me to still waters. Right now it is enough to pursue righteousness and allow my life to be His reflection, to follow the flow, not to plan ahead at this point but to wait until His plan is revealed.

How beautiful You are, My Beloved! How You have shown Your love for me! I can I resist You? I will not resist but lay back and rest in Your arms, always and forever.

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd;

I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD
Forever.

a time to weep

2010-03-18T22:57:00.003-04:00

Ecclesiastes 3

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Today my little white dog KC was put to sleep. Sweet to the end, he had laid there bleeding for two days and the vet said the time had come. I had to take my evening walk alone. No greeting bark was heard on my arrival back.

Today a letter was sent that sealed the end of my time at Claridge House. I lasted a year, but now in 9 more days, I will need to leave and not come back. The residents and vendors I speak to are sad and I want to weep. But nothing can be done.

And that is it, really. Nothing can be done. Gio struggled to accept and understand. He was mad at us. When it was time for us go the vet with KC, and to leave him there, Gio kept saying "not yet, not yet!"

Not yet. It is never time enough. We want to hold onto the warmth, like the September days when we want summer to last forever. But the autumn winds blow and reminds us that we cannot stop the seasons. We cannot stop the aging. We cannot stop time and death and change.

But the snow piles melt and spring returns. The days lengthen and the sun burns bright reminding us of the circle of seasons, giving us hope until we are united with our Beloved.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

It is NOT up to us

2010-03-06T18:58:00.006-05:00

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery...

and they thought...

It is against the law. What she did, it was immoral, illegal too in our town. We cannot just let her get away with it! What will the others think? They will think it is alright for them too! It is a bad witness.

And you, Jesus, have been befriending these people, these sinners. Tax collectors, harlots! You do not come from the God we serve! The God of Moses who gave us these laws that we have been trying so hard to get Israel to follow. God will take away our land again if we ignore the law. We will not do it, nor allow and encourage these others to break the law too. It is up to us and we will do whatever we have to to hold onto our nation.

"In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?"

Let them all see, this crowd who loves you, what you are really about! Let them see your disrespect for the law. Show yourself to be an impostor! Come on, come on! What do you say?

They made her stand before the group...

and she thought...

Jesus, why do you let them treat me this way? It is true what they say, but they did not take my lover too, they only took me! They have no interest in my life, my sin. It is you they are coming for. My lover was a man, an important man at that. It is I, the disposable woman who they took because I am nothing to them, like an old worn out dog, not even that valuable.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger.

Jesus, they say you are different, that you value women and children too. See the women who follow you. They say you are kind to them and to all: the rich and the poor, the learned and the simple, the religious and those far from God. What are you doing drawing on the ground when they will soon stone me? Help me! Protect me. Save me, Jesus. Forgive me! I am a weak and sinful woman!

"If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."

and Jesus thought...

I love them all, these confused souls who think they do My Father's will and yet cannot see His love and power in Me. Fill them, Holy Spirit, so they can see their need for the mercy that I so long to give them. And let this woman feel the pain of her sin and the joy of the forgiveness I will show her. Father, Our children, they fight and hate each other! How it makes me weep and how I long for the peace of heaven. There they will all sit together at Our table, laughing and embracing one another.

"Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, sir," she said.

"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin. -- John 8:1-11

"It is up to us," that is the lie. We can not beat down the sin of others with stones. Only the Holy Spirit can draw souls, convict and heal.

Keep your hands to yourself

2010-02-06T10:59:00.004-05:00

Our sweet baby, Giovanni, is no longer a baby really. He is 3 1/2 now. He has developed a habit of doing things intentionally, that he knows is wrong, and then say "sorry!" Although we are quick to forgive him, I have been considering how to correct him. In His mercy, God stepped in, and in the process, helped me understand too.

The other day, Gio hit our dog, KC, and then before he could say "sorry" to KC, he nipped at Gio. Gio, who was standing next to me at the time, looked at me with big sad eyes, holding his hand. And I said to Gio, "You should not hit KC, because he will bite you."

That nailed it for me. Obeying God is not about anything else but our good and protection.

It it not about getting into heaven. Jesus has paid the entire price for our sins. God does forgive us every time.

It is not about getting God to love us. God loves us because He is love, not because we are lovable.

It is not about our witness. The world is not impressed by our perfection. It is drawn to God by our love.

It is not about God's ability to use us. God delights in using broken vessels. Check scripture. All who are used by God are imperfect. This shows God's power.

God gives direction for our good, for our protection, for life and peace. And we get to choose. By our choice we demonstrate our trust of Him.

The world will bite us, so keep your hands to yourself.

^{Jeremiah 17

5} This is what the LORD says:
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

⁶ He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

⁷ "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

⁸ He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

Pray where your heart is

2010-01-25T07:19:00.003-05:00

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:26-28

How do we know how to pray in God's will? We know we are supposed to pray in God's will, but how can we do that if we don't know what He plans to do?

I have come to the place where I am comfortable to pray where my heart is, with confidence and with openness.

God wants us to come to Him honestly and share our heart. So we can come to Him and pray for healing of physical or emotional brokenness, restoration of relationships, protection of ourselves and our friends, provision for our families. Those are all good and worthy things to pray for. These are all things God can do and desires to do for us.

But what if it is not in God's will to heal, to restore, to protect and provide in this circumstance? This is where I can get stuck. God, in His mercy, does not reveal our future to us. Although I long to see my future, experience has shown me that I can not handle it.

Actually, that is not what matters. What matters to God in prayer is where I am right now, that is what He wants me to pray for. Even if what I desire is not God's will, as I perservere in prayer, God will change my desires and aline them with His. As I prayed for things, I can see this progression, this journey. Day by day, as God and I walk together by reading His Word and my praying honestly to Him, He shows me His perfect will. I need to be open to it.

And it needs to be a process. Sometimes God wants to give us our heart's desire. But sometimes, we need a while to accept the difficult parts of life: the wayward child, the abusive relationship, the inevitable death of family members. He does not rush us through this, but works in prayer to comfort and encourge us as we grieve these losses.

So for now, just pray where your heart is and trust Him to take you step by step, where you need to go.

After all, that is what Jesus did...

"Father, if You are willing, take this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done." An angel from heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him. Luke 22:42-43

He holds me by the hand

2010-01-01T21:18:00.004-05:00

Psalm 37

3 Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.

My boss (and oh how I love and respect her!) talks about being politically correct in the workplace. Do the right thing, take the right action, be nice to the right people, avoid being seen with the wrong people in order to be assured that you will keep your position and succeed. She is a pro at being politically correct and I watch her and take notes, to be quite honest.

But then, there is this place where we part company, her and I. My Boss holds me to a higher standard...then again maybe that is the wrong way to put it. A higher standard sounds like a harder standard, but it is not like that at all.

He wants me to trust Him and do good. Even when it seems foolish, when it is politically incorrect. Mostly, although I may not want to do these things, when I am obedient to Him, I find it is actually easier. I experience the truth that "My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matt 11:30) When I do the "difficult thing" such as remain calm and be kind and pleasant to people who are upset when they come to see me, I find blessing in the truth that Love does overcome.

I used to want to be rich and famous. Well, sometime the baser part of me still wants those things. Then I used to want to save and fix my family, my friends, well, the entire world around me! But praise be to God! He has healed me and revealed that only He can save and change hearts. He only wants me to trust Him and do good. He wants me to wait patiently for Him to act. Only then can He work in my heart and in the hearts of others. But it is Him, not me.

No amount of plotting, scheming, lecturing, striving can secure riches and fame for me. And now I realize that if this is not of Him, I don't really want it anyway. I want to be in His will, whatever that is.

Whatever riches He gives me, He wants me to share and not keep!

He wants me to Make Him Famous! Give Him the Glory!

And this means I get to Be Still and Rest in Him.

7 Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.
12 The wicked plot against the godly; they snarl at them in defiance.
13 But the Lord just laughs, for He sees their day of judgment coming.

16 It is better to be godly and have little than to be evil and rich.
17 For the strength of the wicked will be shattered, but the Lord takes care of the godly.

23 The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.
24 Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.

I will give thanks to Him

2009-11-26T23:10:00.004-05:00

The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to Him in song. -- Psalm 28:7

Never have I experienced a year with so much change, so much uncertainty, a time when my pride was attacked as much. And yet, it is a choice, isn't it, how we look at things. Do we see the five loaves and two fish and walk away hopeless? Or do we give thanks and break them?

And so I choose to give thanks...

I thank You, Beloved Jesus, for the deep and intimate relationship that has developed between Al and I. Today, he helped me with my work and it was oh, so sweet! Such a joy to have him share the load, to hear the vacuum running while I cooked. A few years ago, I would have said it was impossible. But here we are.

I thank You, Beloved Jesus, that today I still have a job. I thank You for the boss who appreciates me and tell me so. And for all the times she told me I was wrong when I was, and for the grace You alone gave me to accept that and obey. I thank you for the sweet people in Claridge House and I am grateful for the opportunity and the strength You have given me to serve them. I thank You for giving me words for all those troublesome times, and allowing me to be an instrument of Your peace and Your love.

I thank You, Dear Jesus, that Al has a place to work and that the work has been steady. I thank You for keeping him safe, and bringing godly men in his path, and for giving him others to share Your love and truth with. I thank You for holding him close in this ordeal and changing him gently but firmly, showing Your love and provision throughout.

I thank You, Beloved Jesus, that Christina has been doing well in college, almost done, in fact, with her degree. She loves her part time job and has a man in her life who loves her and her son, is mature and stable and gives her joy. She is such a wonderful mother and our relationship is almost well again, certainly on the right track. A few years ago, I would have said it was impossible. But here we are.

I thank You, Dear Jesus, that Debbie is doing well in college, and has great friends, and has decided that being without a man in her life right now is a good thing. I thank You that she loves her job and that the Olive Tree has been a blessing to us. I thank You, Dear Jesus, for their beauty and their health and their sweetness.

I thank You, Dear Jesus, for Giovanni, the light of our lives. I thank You that by Your grace, we are able to see him every day and partake in the routine of his life. I thank You that You knew we needed Giovanni in our home and have given us provision for him.

I thank You for our Bloomfield home, our beach house, our cars that continue to run like manna from heaven. It is truly a miracle of the magnitude of the loaves and fishes and how I know Your finger prints are all over it!!

I thank You that my mom still lives and that she is enjoying her retirement with a great man who not only loves her and is healthy but who is also able to take her to wonderful places. I thank You that our family lives close and we love each other and enjoy each other. I thank You for the sicknesses we do not have and the energy we do.

I thank You for MCC and ACE and Middle Ground, for the opportunity to continue to teach and how much I am learning. I thank You for each person at the table. I thank You for forgiving my mistakes and for each second chance. I thank You for encouraging me to lay down those things that You never intended me to pick up. I thank You for Your patience and perseverance with me in all.

I give You thanks, Beloved. I give You the glory! I celebrate You and rest in Your arms.

Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, He gave thanks and broke them. Then He gave them to the disciples to set before the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. -- Luke 9:16-17

Follow You

2009-09-29T23:26:00.003-04:00

My pastor is doing a series on leadership. I am not going.

This summer was the first Willow Creek Leadership Summit I missed in many years. And yet I didn't miss it.

I am trying to become a better follower these days. Getting better at keeping my mouth shut and just doing what is asked of me. Trying not to second guess those above me, or thinking about ways to do it better or things they might have missed. Resting that it is not my job to drive all the time, and that ultimately Jesus knows the way.

At the Claridge House, Sam our super knows how to follow. For decades now he has seen Board presidents come and go, residents move in and out, workers hired and fired. I am following him. "What ever they say, I do that," says Sam. If it's wrong or right, good or bad, Sam does it soon, and with a smile, as much as possible. I am following Sam follow.

Recently I listed to a recorded speaking engagement of Paul Young, author of The Shack. Paul was in professional ministry for a while and he tells of a time when he was working hard for the Lord, asking for His blessing on the work he had started. "Follow me," he confessed to the audience, is what he said to God. God had replied to Paul, "you go ahead, I am going to stay here with the kids. I'll be here when you get back." Paul has since repented and asked God to allow him to get in on what God was doing.

How convicted I was when I heard that! How often, Father, have I said the same thing! What mercy You have had for me! Forgive me! I repent! I no longer want to do anything but what You want me to sign up for! I need Your power to accomplish anything worthwhile. I need Your Spirit, Your strength, You, Beloved, most of all I need You!

Most of all these days, I find myself in the dependent servant position. I eat my peanut butter and jelly in the basement "cage" with the other blue-collar types. I sit on the bus. I run when I am called. I smile at those who are angry at me. I thank God for the opportunity to show them the love of Christ, these sweet people who I would never have met if I stayed in the church.

I am learning better what in means not to lead, but to follow well. Trusting that in truth, I am following You.

I'm casting my cares aside
I'm leaving my past behind
I'm setting my heart and mind on You, Jesus

I putting my fears aside
I'm leaving my doubts behind
I'm giving my hopes and dreams to You, Jesus

I'm reaching my hands to Yours
Believing there's so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good
Is good

Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
And I won't worry about tomorrow
I'm giving You my fears and sorrows
Where You lead me I will follow
I'm trusting in what You say

Today is the day

Just different

2009-07-05T22:32:00.003-04:00

We are doing a couple's study for the summer and the study is called Love and Respect. In this DVD presentation, Emerson Eggerrichs explains how men and women think differently, talk differently and have different needs.

"She has a need that you don't have. Is that ok? It's not wrong, just different."

As he talks about the differences, giving us examples and stories of illustration, he keeps going back to this...not wrong, just different.

Judgment is a subtle thing. We judge everything in our world, as we pick out fruits at the grocery store, choose car insurance, decide who to call with a problem, choose our words with our friends and co-workers, we are constantly making judgments: good or bad, right or wrong, appropriate or dangerous. Judgment and discernment are important, valuable, essential tools that we need to survive. Women, especially, try to figure people out--What did he mean by that? What will she think of me if I tell her this?

And without even realize that we are being judgmental, we are being judgmental.

Maybe I should restate--I am being judgmental.

And even with my understanding of male and female differences now that I am becoming a Love and Respect expect here (ha! I'm joking!) I cannot assume that I know someone's motives. I need to ask to find that out because we are all different.

Not wrong, just different.

Father, in so many areas, I find my self softening, being more gentle and open to other's concerns and needs, but I am not yet where I need to be, where I want to be. Help me see others through Your eyes of mercy and grace and not take offense, but ask questions and assume always, until unmistakably sure, that the person I am dealing with is good willed. Let me voice that assumption of good will in all my questions. And when I show mercy and am unsure what I will get in return, remind me that over all, I can trust You.

Shout for Joy

2009-04-25T14:50:00.005-04:00

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

Worship the LORD with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful songs.
Know that the LORD is God.
It is He who made us, and we are His;
We are His people, the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise;
Give thanks to Him and praise His name.
For the LORD is good
And His love endures forever;
His faithfulness continues through all generations.
--Psalm 100

Father God, You are mighty and eternal
You created the world with Your breath
You formed the cosmos, placing the stars in the sky.
Yet You who made the heavens
And the earth Your foot stool,
Stepped down to us
As a mother stoops to pick up her babe,
As a father kneels down to romp with his children
You came to comfort us
To care for us
To do for us what we could never do for ourselves.
You, the High and Holy God,
Came to us lowly broken people!
You are our God, our Hero
And the Lover of our soul.

All we have is a gift from You!
I confess in my self-centeredness,
I have thought it was mine!
My house, my car, my children, my job, my money, even my rights!
But it is not! It is all Yours!
Things that You delighted to give me!
As a father fills his pockets with surprises for his little ones,
As a mother searches stores for treasures for her children,
Father, You own the treasures of the universe
And it is Your pleasure to give us good things.
But You give gifts for a purpose, if we would hear You and be grateful.

Allow me to see You as You really are!
Open my eyes that I would not see You as a God of my own making,
A God who says what I want to hear
A God who does what I want Him to do!
Allow me to see You in truth!
Your perfect will brings me peace and joy.
Allow me to surrender all to You
So that You can be my everything!

All creation worships You, Lord!
I long to add my voice to that song!
Let me not only worship You with my voice
But help me to obey Your truth
Lead all of me to worship You
A living sacrifice of obedience
Holy and pleasing to You—
Let this be my spiritual act of worship.

Not because I want You to love me.
You already love me.
Indeed Your love has cleansed me,
Made me without spot,
Perfectly beautiful, You present me,
Covered in Your atoning Blood.

We are Your bride, Holy and beloved.
How right we are to adore You!
You are glorious, our Beloved, our King!
You are the King of all kings, Ruler of the nations!
And yet You love me!

You have filled my heart with wonder so that I would always remember
That I was made for this...

I was made to worship
I was called to love
I am forgiven and free
When I embrace surrender
When I choose to believe
Then I will see who You have made me to be!

53 Days with Esther

2009-03-29T07:37:00.012-04:00

It's Tough Being a Woman -- how true that is! Beth Moore's study was an amazing journey, mixed in with the twists and turns of my life. When I started on February 2, I was looking for work, agonizing with Al as he mourned the loss of his company and job, anxious and impatient about what the future would hold. As I poured through the scriptures and savored Beth's study, I have received wisdom and a measure of healing. Here's the pearls from the workbook and my heart that I wanted to record...

2/05/09 Father, You are in the process of writing Your story in and with my life. I long to turn to the back of the book but You reach for my hand. With romance and wonder I understand. You long to allow it to unfold slowly as we walk the road together...

"Have you ever had an associate who, rather than helping you calm down and think clearly, fanned the flame on your fiery emotions and ended up talking you into double the trouble?" Good friends help each other calm down. They empathize with the emotions, staying calm themselves. They encourage waiting until emotions stop flowing strongly before taking any actions. "I considered afresh how much power of persuasion --both positive and negative--the woman of the house can have...Sometimes I may want peace badly enough to advise my loved one to do something swift buy not necessarily wise."

"We too can become so steeped in our culture that we are almost indistinguishable from the world. We too can lose our sense of identity and forget who we are ... not so we can be obnoxious but so we can be influential." The beauty treatment for us as godly women is to come into His presence. His presence transforms us at the heart source and makes us truly beautiful, with a beauty that never fades.

"Oh, the favor that can come our way...through our simple willingness to follow instructions, ... respect authority... [not be] insulted by instruction ... practice the art of truly listening ... follow through by doing what [we're] asked...If long-term persistence doesn't win the favor of an earthly supervisor, trust the God who sees and who is by no means limited to one channel of favor toward you."

"God created time and no human can take it from Him or use it against Him. Time is significant to God mostly because His children who are temporarily bound by its tenets are significant to Him." Time and my future is in Your hands and this is a beautiful thing. Remind me to embrace it and see its peace and joy. "God never takes His eyes off us or off the clock ticking over us...God always trumps Satan."

If you would stay close to Me, obey My word, then I can use you to brighten your corner of the vineyard. Hear Me with a heart to obey. This could not be all about Esther or any woman even if she be queen!! This could be, should be, must be all about You, my Beloved. Your power, Your mercy, Your Provision, Your love. I must believe in You, point to You. That's all.

"Right now you are representing the King on official business in another land, but you are no less royal than the Queen of England would be if she visited the ... Bronx. She is queen regardless of where she is and how she is treated. Her status is secure. So is yours." We too are queen, beloved of the King. Put on your royal robes to approach Him and accept His favor, approval, welcome and grace.

"Sometimes just surviving certain tasks without falling apart is our best and at those times God is not ashamed of our performance. He's proud of us for fighting overwhelming emotions to do His will. God isn't interested in our stellar performance, but in our hearts...Sometimes people advise us to do instantly what can only be done gradually"

"Any time God calls us to die, His purpose is to reveal larger life."

Lord, I wanted to be recognized and promoted. I told you over and over that I recognized you and would promote you in due time. You needed to be healed of this. I was not punishing you from some great sin, I was healing you, then I was protecting you. I love you. I get it. Trust Me. Look to Me alone. What I desired I needed to receive from You alone. I desired to be loved best by the king, but the King of Kings does love me with an everlasting love. "In the shelter of the Most High we find our significance and the only satisfaction of our insatiable need to be noticed. There and there alone are we free to be neither depressed or impressed with the capricious reactions of this carnal world...Christ says I'm already great enough for both of us, Just follow Me."

This desire to be recognized and promoted, to succeed at what people desire from me and not what You desire of me is sin. It is not to be prayed for, but to be prayed against; to be confessed and repented of, to be release from. Forgive me, Beloved! Heal me, restore me! Do not let me forget that it is You alone who is my Everything.

I will exalt You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up and gave me a new job,

and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord, my God, I called to You for help and You healed me and gave me even a boss to encourage me in my recovery from codependency

O Lord, You brought me up from the grave and spared me from being used by men instead of by You alone, where You will empower me and bless me.

You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness and new pants---on sale yet!

that my heart may sing to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give You praise forever. Amen! --Psalm 30:1-3,11-12.

Thank You, Jesus! By Your mercy and grace I find myself here---unpredictable and unworthy; help me be an instrument of Your peace, love, joy and mercy. Beloved You intended me to come to this place to minister to these people in a way that would be healing to me too. As I continue in that walk, I urgently ask You to give me the grace and peace to love them as You do, as only You can, that they could see and feel Your love through me. Beloved Jesus, I need You more than ever! Be my Everything!

"Repentance is not your punishment. It is your glorious right of daughter-ship. Your invitation to restoration...Much carnage can take place between crisis and crown. In Christ, however, all's well that ends well because He emphatically does all things well."

I do not expect you to be perfect, baby. I expect you to be contrite. There are indeed too many voices. You need to hear Mine. You need to get your orders from Me alone. 3/28/09

Fireproof Your Relationships

2009-03-14T13:39:00.004-04:00

Statistics tell us that in America, about 50% of all marriages end in divorce. We can see that in our neighborhoods, at work, in our extended families The church is not exempt from this trend. Those of us who have committed their lives to Jesus know that divorce is not His desire for us, and yet, it is often the reality. Even for those of us who remain in marriages, many are emotionally broken, or even dead.

Recently, a movie was released called Fireproof. In this movie, Curt Cameron portrays a fire captain. At work, inside burning buildings, he lives by the old firefighter's adage: Never leave your partner behind. At home, in the cooling embers of his marriage, he lives by his own rules. Regular arguments with his wife over jobs, finances, housework, and outside interests have readied them both to consider divorce. However, God has other plans. In this outstanding drama we witness a transformation and restoration that only God can orchestrate.

All are invited to join us as we watch Fireproof movie clips, study the scriptures and discuss thought-provoking questions that will challenge us to grow spiritually and strengthen our relationships.

Whether you are married, engaged, or have struggled through a separation, or have been affected by a divorce in your home, whether you come as a couple or alone, you will be encouraged to find that Christ and His love can make a significant positive difference in your relationships.

Classes begin Wednesdays, 7:30 - 9 p.m., March 25 and continue through May 20. Meet us at Montclair Community Church.

and if I perish...

2009-03-07T19:51:00.003-05:00

Two weeks into my new job, I am still meeting residents who look at me with surprise.

"You're new. What happened to the last woman? There has been so many!"

I love the ones who tell me, "No one in this position lasts very long. How long do you intend to stay?"

Ok, so I replaced the last woman, who must have had the job less than three months. The woman before her was temporary. And ultimately, we are not employees of the building association; we are really employed by a contracted property management firm. The nature of the thing is transitory.

I must admit, this was unnerving to me at first, me the girl who before my last job, had been employed no less then a decade at the last two places. I am a Ruglio, truly--- and Ruglios hate change. I was not looking for a temporary situation. I don't want to keep changing jobs.

But isn't this whole life transitory? I am just an alien anyway in a strange land, far from my real home.

Right now I am studying the book of Esther with Beth Moore. Beth made the point that Esther trusted God with her difficult decision to go in to see the King. She could have been killed. She prayed and fasted, and then did what she had to do. She knew there were no guarantees. But that did not stop her. Her testimony was: And if I perish, I perish.

Like Esther, I prayed and asked others to pray for me. In the end, I did what God instructed me. I talked to Him about my reservations, and He gave me no guarentees. Only the promise of His love and His presence.

Two weeks in, I am more certain than ever that He has been guiding me. I do not totally understand. But I do believe. I do trust Him. No matter how this turns out.

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? -- Romans 8:32

just manage the property

2009-02-21T14:38:00.011-05:00

The Master said, "Let me ask you: Who is the dependable manager, full of common sense, that the master puts in charge of his staff to feed them well and on time? He is a blessed man if when the master shows up he's doing his job. But if he says to himself, 'The master is certainly taking his time,' begins maltreating the servants and maids, throws parties for his friends, and gets drunk, the master will walk in when he least expects it, give him the thrashing of his life, and put him back in the kitchen peeling potatoes. -- Luke 12:42-46 The Message

My new job -- and yes! I have one! -- is the administrative assistant to the Property Manager of a high rise condo complex in Verona. It is not my dream job, but I have come to a peace that I need to be grateful for a job, and I am trusting that God is in this and plans to allow me to minister there. But in a big way, I expect He is teaching me something important.

The book I just finished reading was Saturdays with Stella, and in a chapter entitled "Yours, Mine, and... Well, Mine - Leave It," Allison is teaching her dog, Stella, the command "leave it." The God-related concept is that everything belongs to God-- everything! We need to trust Him in what He gives and in what He withholds from us.

Allison writes, "I'm not teaching Stella to 'leave it' simply to delay inevitable gratification. The key to the behavior is to break the fixation. No dog ever truely obeys this command until she completely walks away from whatever was being denied... I want Stella to know that no distraction is worth disobedience.... I don't want her to feel pampered; I want her to feel safe. She doesn't need to be indulged; she needs to be loved. I don't meet her demands; I anticipate her needs."

In this position I have now, there is no question about my ownership. I am the assistant to the property manager, and even she is not the owner. The people who own the condos, they are the owners. We simply carry out their plans. We are managers. We are stewards.

God is showing me that nothing that I think I "own" is, in fact, mine. It's all His. My house, my beach cottage, my car, my new job, the clothes in my closet, the food in my refrigerator, even my children and my husband--all are His that He has given freely. All are His to take away. He doesn't give because I am good and take away because I am bad or He is mean. He is concerned about my being safe, being loved, caring for my true needs.

Father, help me see the difference between being a dependable manager and trying to be "master of the universe." Heal me of this sin.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praise. -- Job 1:21

Doctor's Orders - Settle!

2009-02-12T17:13:00.006-05:00

So I've had this pain in my leg. It took a week of the pain getting worse and worse before I finally decided to find a chiropractor. Turns out the pain in my left leg was caused by a pinched nerve in my spine and a sore muscle in my right (you know) and the prescription for that is several visits per week to the chiropractor and warm baths.

The interesting part is that the first adjustment was preceded by the doctor putting me on the table, face down, with my head in the gully-type thing, and my arms handing down under the table, and four warm, vibrating discs on my lower back. And I had to lay there, still, for about 16 minutes.

Ok, so this is how silly I am...I was not sure I could do this. Lay still for that long. What could I do while I was waiting? I could not read, sort my grocery coupons, text my kids on my cell phone, watch some silly TV show, or even talk to anyone as the doctor left me alone in the room with the hum of the vibrator. I mean, it was really difficult to just lay still and allow someone else to do something for me to begin the healing for my pain. And stay still for 16 whole minutes.

God is so good! To allow me to hurt my leg in order for me to get this!

I started reading this cool book entitled Saturdays with Stella by Allison Pittman. It is about how taking her dog, Stella, to dog obedience school helped her understand what it meant to follow her Master. The first lesson was "Settle" where Stella (and Allison) learned to settle down and enjoy the Master's love. How I needed this lesson too!

I agree, "there is something scary in so much stillness." Like being still must mean I do not have something important to do, so I am not important. Or that my Master might have something to tell me that I might not want to hear. I need to trust that my Master loves me! That anything He would say to me would be life, truth, joy and blessing. That nothing I have to do is more important than enjoying His presence. I need to stop pulling away. To surrender. To totally rest in that. To be able to be--no, to delight in being still and in His presence.

And as I take warm baths, because I am in pain and I have to, and as I lay in the doctors office, still for 16 whole minutes, because I am in pain and I have to, I have learned to enjoy being settled.

Thank You, Master, my Beloved, for holding me down. Too bad it had to come to this, but whatever it takes.

He will quiet you in His love. Zephaniah 3:17

Diligence vs. Obsession

2009-02-09T21:26:00.004-05:00

God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised. --Hebrews 6:10-12 MSG

If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. --Phil 2:1-4 MSG

It has almost become an obsession, this search for a job. I am constantly checking the internet job lists, emailing out my resume, tweaking my cover letter...

When does diligence end and obsession begin? When can I stop checking the lists and say... Enough! Now it is time to clean my house, call a friend, do my Bible Study, read a book to my grandson, hug my husband or lend a helping hand.

The obsession comes from thinking that God will let me down, walk off and leave me. From forgetting that God is just and will not forget my work and the love I have shown Him as I have helped His people and continue to help them.

That I must be diligent BECAUSE God won't be.

Yes, this is just what Satan wants.

Help me, Beloved, to balance my life with good things as well as the necessary. Let me be diligent to look for what I need, and not just expect it to drop in my lap. On the other hand, help me not obsess. Obsession is not of You. You can be trusted with my life, my future and my family.

Don't be obsessed with getting more material things. Be relaxed with what you have. Since God assured us, "I'll never let you down, never walk off and leave you," we can boldly quote,

God is there, ready to help;
I'm fearless no matter what.
Who or what can get to me? --Hebrews 13:5-6 MSG

To say no to the king

2009-02-07T10:41:00.002-05:00

But Queen Vashti refused to come at the king's command delivered by the eunuchs. Then the king became very angry and his wrath burned within him. -- Esther 1:12

In the drama of life, how often did I desire to be cast in the Esther role...the wise one with the message from God to save His people, restore the Kingdom. Perhaps the role of Vashti was always my destiny, certainly in this chapter. And then to find that I am not the only one to play this role as well...

I said no to the king because the King, my Beloved, told me no, that He would not go before me with His joy and His power. I was the one who needed to learn the boundaries, and so here come the consequences.

Beloved, whatever role You give me in Your drama is sweet and life-giving to me, although it may not appear to be so to my eyes right now. Vashti was never mentioned again in scripture, and we do not know how it turned out for her, but I know Your plans for me are good and true. In any case, I praise You! My pleasure is to make Your name famous, to enrich Your Kingdom!

Father, let Your Esther come and save Your people! Let me pray for her and rejoice in her success! Ultimately, in Your success!

"Therefore, if it pleases the king, let him issue a royal decree and let it be written in the laws of Persia and Media, which cannot be repealed, that Vashti is never again to enter the presence of King Xerxes. Also let the king give her royal position to someone else who is better than she." -- Esther 1:19

Jesus, The One and Only

2009-02-04T13:59:00.006-05:00

Beth Moore's devotional journal was amazing. What was even more amazing was the dialog that went on with Jesus as He spoke lovingly, and sometimes firmly, to me as we went on this journey. So that it is not only hidden in a bookcase, here's the best of it for easy access--as you know, now is a time to need encouragement. So faithfully, I will record it...

***

I had always known Him. I don't remember the beginnings. He was like an associate, casual friend, meeting and greeting each other as our lives crosses, but very seldom making a date.

Then I started to see Him regularly, getting to know Him. Who He was and what He was about. How attractive He was--strong, tender, wise!

And then one day when we were together, He said He wanted more of my life -- He wanted more of me, was I willing? He asked and I said yes. The day was June 24, 1988.

I once desired to be rich and famous. Jesus, now I want to enrich Your Kingdom and make You famous.

Choose me, Jesus! Perfect me so I do not do harm, and as I do, please give me the wisdom and courage to confess and repent! Purify my heart, my divided conflicted heart and make me whole! Jesus, stand beside me, hold my hand, let me sense Your presence like I never have before.

***

Satan taunts, "Your God will deny you provision and affirmation."
God says, "Wait on Me, I will supply all your needs. I will renew your strength. I will repay your enemies."
Satan taunts, "Your God gives you the desire to teach and then will not allow you to do it."
God says, "I have given you plenty of opportunity -- seize and delight in them."
God says, "I am not going to waste the gifts I have entrusted to you. You need to wait -- it's part of the training process. "
God says, "I do indeed read your thoughts and I still love you and have a place in the Kingdom for you."

***

Father, Thank You for inviting me into Your throne room to engage with You over the issues of my life. I want to walk out in a huff. I want to return to my busyness to forget.

But You draw me back. You draw me in. You desire to finish it, the work You began in me, although I resist You. You are faithful.

Hold onto me, Beloved. Be my Everything.

***

My biggest stumbling block is desiring to please other people, desiring to be "right and good" in people's eyes and analyzing other's feelings to draw conclusions about their motives and figure them out. You desire me to do Your perfect law of love in the light and in the dark, but to have good boundaries.

Let people alone to make their own choices and their own mistakes. Put down the desire to change others but take up the care for yourself and the things Christ has given you charge over.

***

"The BIG LIE: Satan has convinced us that putting down our self-stuff is some huge sacrifice....Our self-stuff is what makes us most miserable!"

You did nothing wrong by staying there. You were following Me.
You did nothing wrong by leaving, nor did they! You were following Me.
Do not worry, My daughter, even now. Rest in Me and I will not disappoint you or him. Indeed, I will fill and delight you both!

***

You can be hurt, and angry even. But you need to move to forgiveness if you want to remain in the shelter of My wings.

Let your hurt now be a reminder not to return to this great sin. Bring it to Me, bring it to them if I bid you--but no one else and do not allow others to bring theirs to you.

Barbara, if I could just change you, if you alone would only be obedient to my revealed Word, I could change the face of your corner of the vineyard. Read to know, but allow Me to tell you what to do.

***

I will build My Church. No one else.

Please do not go where I do not send you. I will not follow you there. I will wait here until you return.

Be at peace. I have shown you over and over that I see your service and I have a plan for you. What I have for you is marked with your name and held in my strong hand. No one will snatch it. I will keep it safe for you and you will see it, at the proper time.

***

It is unthinkable, Your courage and Your pain -- that You would do this only to save me and present me unblemished to the Father and say, "She is Mine -- I have bought her, look, even with My blood."

Why then would I think You would leave me in this place? Indeed, where ever I go, I have You!

Allow me to see my mission field in where I am now, even in my kitchen, even on the Parkway. Allow me to see You, hear Your voice and take the next step.

***

" The cross is the open door no man can shut."

Nothing can hurt me, Beloved. You have forgiven even my most horrid sins. My obedience is not to secure Your favor but to free me from bondage, to avoid causing others pain.

You have opened the door. No temptation can shut it!!

Nothing is accidental about being in this place -- You have a plan.

***

Do not allow what you see to overtake your heart. I have a plan for you! There is an unseen victory and it is Mine. Step in obedience and rejoice! I have overcome the world!!

Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling,
And to present you faultless
Before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy,
To God our Savior,
Who alone is wise,
Be glory and majesty,
Dominion and power,
Both now and forever.
Amen.

--Jude 24-25

As I Stand in the Crossroad

2009-01-23T17:38:00.004-05:00

Standing in this crossroad, I wonder which way to go. And I ask my Father, Abba, which path do I take? Which way do I go?

It is not the path. It is the step. And the next step is the simple, obedient, necessary thing.

And there, beloved, look for Me and you will find Me.

And so today, I did not answer any job ads. Instead I fed my sweet baby some of my oatmeal from my plate and watched as he smiled and made little boy sounds as he skillfully (for a 2 year old!) scooped all the oatmeal from his plate. When I scooped him another portion from my plate he said what sounded very much like "thank you, granma" -- and there, Abba, I saw Your face.

And today I went to the ShopRite with the last of the money from last week and I filled my cart. It was enough, under $100, under an hour (an old shopping goal of mine that I had not met in years). And there, as I payed and got change back, Abba, I saw Your face.

And today I had lunch with Gabe, my dear brother. He encouraged me and drove me and paid for my meal. He joked and smiled and ate what was left from my plate. We talked of You too, Abba, and I thanked You there for him and his love. What a wonderful gift was there for me, Abba, when I saw Your face.

Your face, Abba, is everywhere I go! The opportunities to minister is not just in a church, but in the store, at the restaurant, in my own kitchen. Keep me alert to see them, as I take the next step of obedience to You each day, as I praise You and thank You and trust You even moment by moment!

It is not the path, but the next step You will light for me, and as I go, I will find myself with You, Beloved, and it will be the right path.

Isaiah 42:16
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

He showed up just for me!

2009-01-19T19:59:00.004-05:00

I have been doing ministry for a while, so at this point, I just expect God to show up for those occasions. Even though volunteers sometimes have to cancel and technical problems occur and kids get sick, God always shows up.

Even when I started my job at the homeless shelter, and God gave me a passion and power, mercy and love for the people who I met there, I figured, well, I was in a homeless shelter! Of course God showed up for me.

But this week, as I collected my self, sorted through my emotions and Christmas decorations and toddler toys, God showed up then too. In the middle of snow storms and sore backs and driving my 21 year old to work and back with her baby in my back seat, God showed up.

He showed up just for me!

Because other times when I have been home, I have been lost and aimless. But this past week, He invited me to rest. A Sabbath holy rest, and I invited Him to join me and He did. He talked to me as I walked the dog, matched the soxes, wrapped the fragile decorations, stowed away the candles. He gave me peace as I vacuumed and dusted.

Now THAT is a miracle.

Thank You, Father, my Beloved, my Everything.

Free fall

2009-01-14T23:13:00.008-05:00

I started working at the age of 12. Jackie's Lemon Ice in Belleville; it was a landmark, everyone knew the place. Scooping lemon ice, I learned to make change and for my trouble, I was told I was paid more than anyone else. It was a dollar an hour.

In the winter on Saturdays, I worked with my dad. He owned a shop called Micchelli's Hairdressing in Bloomfield. We would leave in the early morning to be there for his first appointment at 7:45 am. I would answer the phone, take rollers from women's hair and sweep the floor. I was dad's "go for" -- as in "go for coffee" among other things. We never left before 6 p.m. I was paid $12 a day.

Later I worked at the Glen Ridge Country Club, flipping burgers while all the rich kids swam in the pool. By August they were bored with life at the Club. I was happy as I got to go for a swim after work.

In the winter, I worked in the Country Club office with a nice woman, who I can picture in my mind but I cannot remember her name.

By February in my senior year in college, I had my resume done and had begun sending out letters to companies who might be interested in my computer skills. IBM was among them and I was amazed to get a call back from them. As I wandered into the Franklin Lakes building for my first interview, I was awestruck. I accepted the job before graduation and was the first new college hire to start in June.

I always expected to return to work after Christina was born, but all the circumstances lined up to be a God-thing, so I resigned, got a nice buy-out and stayed home until Debbie started preschool. Then I started volunteering at Montclair Community Church until it turned into a paid part time job.

For years I had hoped that my job at the church could be expanded to full time to accomodate the growing financial need at home. This fall, again, all the circumstances lined up to be a God-thing and I accepted a full time position at what I hoped would have been my next ministry opportunity. But as you can see from my last post, that did not work out the way I thought.

Now I find myself unintentionally unemployed for the first time in, well, my entire life. And at the age of 53, your entire life is a good long time. It feels like I am in free fall. Some where between the dizzy sick feeling and the flight of a wonderful dream.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in Your grace

I've failed at a job, yet His mercy remains. I am concerned to make a wrong decision again, yet I'd still be caught in His grace.

I decided to wait a week before I apply again anywhere, just to regroup. I find myself perferring to stay home and clean toilets other than starting at a new job again. Or even sending out my resume. I am old now, rusty from being at home, and yet, I have not been at home. I want to minister really, but who will hire a woman with a lot of church experience doing a little bit of this and that and a degree in--Math???

And yet You are...

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

I want to sit home this time and wait for You to have that right person call me. I want the right job to fall in my lap, but I know that is not how it works. I don't want to make the wrong step so badly at this point that I would rather stand perfectly still.

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord

Yes, please take control, Father, as I am out of control! I am terrified. How do I walk in the right way? How will I know what to do? How I can avoid this again....how how?

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise

Can I praise You Lord, while I wait, while I wander, while I stumble in the dark in this free fall I find myself in? If I praise You, will that be enough? Lord I can do no more than cry out!

From the inside out Lord, my soul crys out, from the inside out Lord, my soul crys out, from the inside out...

Blessed be His name

2009-01-10T01:02:00.002-05:00

The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the LORD. -- Job 1:21

Pastor Ed says that the shortest distance between two points is a zig-zag line. Life is like that, messy, with detours, and just when you think you have it figured out, you get this curve ball that does not make sense.

But then, it really does.

Yesterday, my boss called me into his office. He invited me to sit down. His desk was too clean, his smile too polished. You can feel it in the air, it would not be good.

"Barbara, I am terminating you," he said.

He was right, it wasn't working out. Although I appreciated his vision, was committed to the shelter, and loved the people---employees and clients alike, he and I did not have the right chemistry. And since he was the executive and I his executive assistant, it was inevitable that it would end this way.

In the end, I am glad that he did end it, as opposed to letting the pain linger. After I took a few breaths, I found myself relieved.

It was three months today that I would have been there. I find myself wondering why God took me there only to take me out after such a short time. Was I wrong to go? Did I not hear Him when I left Montclair?

Right now, I am thinking this is just a zig-zag line to get me to where I am really supposed to go. I feel His closeness as I praise Him...I rest in His embrace and know that He will work this out.

Blessings from God in 2008

2009-01-01T14:21:00.004-05:00

In March, Al's job changed, he was moved to Edison and got weekends off.
Al’s new job allowed him to get home before Barb got up for work, which meant getting home in time for morning cuddles.
Al and Barb were able to attend church together on Sundays.
Al’s change of job in March in many ways prepared him for the next job change at year end.
Debbie got accepted at Kean University.
Christina continued doing well at Montclair State University and has returned to a more active social life.
Barb was invited to give her testimony about Al’s salvation at the MOPS Spring Tea in May.
Debbie graduated from High School.
In June, Gio turned age 2! He talks now and boy! does he have a lot to say.
Gio's grandparents, Emmanuel and Julia, got married in June.
Gio's dad, Manny, joined the US Marines.
Barb was invited to teach at the ACE fall session with David Langford and it was the best attended class that session.
Barb and Al were able to take the entire month of August off together and to spend it at the beach.
Al and Barb were blessed by their time at Union Congregational Church in Lavalette, meeting new friends there. They also enjoyed visits to Ocean Grove, seeing Charles Stanley and Oracle.
Al had his best tomato growing season this summer.
Debbie got her driver’s license before she started college.
Al and Barb were able to attend ACE fall session together.
Barb got a full time job at Urban Renewal Corp.
Barb's friends and co-workers at MCC blessed her with many kind words, gifts, songs and a BIG party when she left her position there as Administrative Support and Bible Study leader.
God give Al wisdom to select where to work when C&S closed. He hopes to be working stead at the Daily News, in New Jersey.

In all these changes, Al and I rejoice that God has caused us to grow closer together in love for each other. God has helped us to trust Him not only as the author and finisher of our salvation, but to trust in His daily protection and provision in our lives.

In all things, God is good and best of all, He is with us.

just GO

2008-11-26T22:39:00.003-05:00

Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace." (Luke 7:50)

How many times have I read this story of Jesus anointed by the sinful woman and wept? I could always relate to her, full of thanksgiving for His forgiveness and acceptance.

But this time, I looked at it afresh, and saw the word GO. And I heard the Father saying to me...

"Just GO--do not look back, analyze, wonder, fret, manage backwards---just go! For reasons you will never understand this side of eternity, I have moved you with My hand for such a time as this---out of there AND into here. You have learned, you have been obedient, but do NOT waste time looking back, indeed GO in peace. Go knowing that I am with you and them."

Thank You, Father. Help me to love You much by showing these, Your beloved in Newark, my love---indeed Your love through me.

"Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much." (Luke 7:44-47)

You're the God of this city

2008-11-25T21:13:00.005-05:00

You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are

In the morning I leave suburbia and take a long and winding road to work. Through the park, golden leaves, geese on still waters, under bridges, with water fountains around the bend. And in the distance, there is the Cathedral Basilica towering above the homes. The worship music is a perfect sound track to my drive, until finally I find myself in the inner city of Newark.

Over 8 decades ago, my father was born in a house only steps from where I work. As a young adult, he worked there and later moved his business to East Orange. The house he grew up in was torn down to build a highway, and the business places left when the 1960's riots broke out. The wealthy who made their residence in the area quickly abandoned the place, moving further and further into the suburbs, leaving the poor behind.

I find myself now in the midst of that neighborhood, working shoulder to shoulder with people who make their homes where my parents worked so hard to escape. We talked about Thanksgiving today at work. The menu may be slightly different, but the concept is always the same. Thanksgiving is a time for food and family, no matter where you live, what color your skin, or where you make your home.

21 years ago, I left the corporation that was the largest maker of computers in the world. I left a job with great benefits, a great salary, and a great future. If you had told me in 1987 that I would not return to full time work for 21 years, to raise my children at home and to be a part time secretary in a church setting, I would have told you that you were crazy.

And today I find myself working full time for the largest homeless shelter in Newark. In Kingdom currency, it's quite a promotion, one that I am honored that the Lord has given me. Every morning I pray that He would enable me to serve well in the new corner of His vineyard where He has placed me.

Each day I am sure that greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city.

one small thing

2008-11-18T22:38:00.003-05:00

They were planning a meeting today for the clients at our homeless shelter. (Read: clients=the homeless) The man in charge was having a hard time getting them to show up, so I volunteered to bring some baked goods, as an incentive. "You mean you'll pick up some donuts?" he asked. "Oh no," I replied. "I'll bake something myself."

This morning as I waited for the quick breads to finish baking, I read the account of Jesus, intending to just pass through the village of Nain. Instead, He found Himself in the middle of a funeral procession for a young man who was the only son of a widow. Scriptures tell us, "When the Lord saw her, His heart overflowed with compassion."

Jesus was able to raise the dead that day, and restored the young man to his mother. He did it because His heart overflowed with compassion.

Today, I could not give the clients all that was needed. I could not give these people a job or a home in the suburbs. I cannot heal their addictions or theirmphysical or emotional pain.

But I can still show the love of Christ by this one small thing. I baked them bread this morning. And hopefully in that, spread the love of Christ.

They praised God, saying... “God has visited his people today.” See Luke 7:11-17.

Be Still

2008-11-10T22:55:00.003-05:00

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm

They had a party for me yesterday, after church.
There were flowers and gifts and food, notes of
appreciation, and two Terry Boch songs, written just for me!

Everything a girl could want.

And yet I want to sit and cry.

The new office is getting easier to manage. I feel the
presence and power of God in this place.
I feel His love for these new people I serve.
I don't smell the smells and recoil. Instead, I want
to step into the ball and swing.

The woman I prayed for Friday came in to see me today.
I felt her connection and her determination to hold
onto her program and our Father.

And yet I want to sit and cry.

I don't want it to be over, this part of my life!!
I need to let it go, and yet I so want to hold on.
The ocean is rising, the thunder roars.
There is no where to run, no where to hide.
It encompasses me, grabs my ankle and won't let go
as the water rises over my face.

I will soar with You above the storm
--Yes I know that
but I cannot feel that now.

Hold onto me, Father. I asked for this and
I know You are near. Help me burn the ships,
so the temptation to return will not
overwhelm me in the flood.

Father, You are King over the Flood

I know I only have to be still
and You will let it wash over me
and it will be ok.

Hold my hand, Beloved. Hold tight!

And I will be still
and know that You are God.

Today in the field

2008-11-07T23:40:00.005-05:00

They are called clients. The people who live in the homeless shelter where I work. They are the poor, the mentally challenged, the addicted, the formerly incarcerated, or just down on their luck. In the course of my day, some come to visit me.

Today, the woman who came and sat in my chair wept quietly, the tears streaming down her face. The heroin has seduced her back into it's lair and she felt regret and trapped. I suggested that she talk to someone on staff who could help her, but she refused. Against orders from my boss, I asked if I could pray for her, she was willing, and so I did.

I continued to pray for her as I drove home, unable to shake the sight of her, the pain she felt. My problems shrunk in the shadow of hers.

And yet, later I thought about my own sin, how it has seduced me back into it's lair and how I feel regret and trapped. How am I different from her? Is her sin so big and mine so small? Is my sin less deadly, more appropriate somehow because I can still go home to my house and make dinner for my family and pretend better that things are ok?

Why is she a client and I am not?

In the church, we are all clients. We all have our sins, some more secret than others, but there none the less. I may be able to pretend that I am living the life, but the truth be told, I am just as needy as she.

Like her, I must confess, pray, get help to change. Every day.

Romans 3:22-24
This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.

Christina's Sweet 16 Letter

2008-10-17T08:04:00.000-04:00

Shuffling through stuff on my office PC, I found this letter I wrote to Christina on her 16th birthday. This December, she will be 20 already, but still it is sweet to remember life when she was 16, so, here's the letter:

Christmas Morning 2003

Dear Christina,

Sixteen years ago this morning I woke up in strange surroundings all alone. I was in a hospital not far from here. And that morning the nurses brought me a large red Christmas stocking, with an infant inside. She had on a tiny red Santa cap with a white pomp-pomp on the top; she had a head full of silky black hair and perfect little lips. And she was the best Christmas present ever.

We called her Christina.

My life had never been the same since. Although there were sacrifices to stay home with you, I never regretted a thing. I count all the things I could have been, could have done, could have had, as rubbish compared to the joy of being able to be home and raise you, care for you, love you and enjoy you. You have been a treasure and it has been a great privilege, a gift from God Himself, to be your mom.

But now, you are a young woman and the time has come for you to fly away like the beautiful butterfly you have morphed into. I am impressed by your great wisdom, your tenderhearted love for your sister and your friends, your faith. I am awed by how you care for yourself; how you can do things I can't do, like your running in track, your life guarding, your sweet way with small children, your fashion sense, your maturity shown in counseling your friends. The freedom that I give you, I do with confidence that you want to do the right things and that you have the strength of character to influence your friends to do the right things, instead of going along with what they want to do. It is with confidence that I watch you walk into your future because I am certain of your commitment to Christ, and that He has great plans for your life.

One thing to remember is the two-sided truth revealed to us in God's word:

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13) and
"...without Me you can do nothing" (John 15:5).

When God is encouraging us to do something, we can trust Him to meet us at our point of weakness and help us overcome all the obstacles that come our way. As we obey Him, He is faithful to help us do what we cannot. Everyone is afraid at times, but no matter how you may feel on the inside; remember that courage is not about not feeling fear. It is about doing what you need to do in spite of the fear. Courage is not only important for men. Women need to be courageous too. Jesus said, "In the world you will have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but take courage; be confident, certain and undaunted! For I have overcome the world! " (John 16:33)

On the other hand, we need to remember that all our strength comes from God, from "abiding in" Him through prayer, Bible study, Christian fellowship and service. We need to love Him and follow Him in with boundless enthusiasm. As we need air and water and food, we need Him. As we need a map and directions when we are lost in the dark, we need Him. And the best part is, He is always there, just a prayer away. Jesus said, "I am with you always, even to the end of the world." (Matthew 28:20). He has always kept that promise for me.

Because you have always wanted to do the right thing, since you were very small, I have not had to punish you very much. Unfortunately, I have found in my life, wanting to do the right thing is not enough. Because we are breathing, we will continue in this life to do the wrong thing. And when we do the wrong things, the Holy Spirit convicts us. But don't feel bad when God is convicting you; it means He loves you. "My child, don't ignore it when the Lord disciplines you and don’t be discouraged when He corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those He loves, and He punishes those He accepts as His children." (Hebrews 12:5-6) I know the Holy Spirit continues to convict you in your heart when you are doing the wrong thing. Don't ignore Him, embrace Him and ask for forgiveness. "If we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us of every wrong." (1 John 1:9) Our relationship with God, and with others, deepens as we practice the discipline of confession. It is a hard thing to do, but it is so worthwhile.

The other thing to remember is success in life cannot be measured by how much you have, own or do. "But godliness with contentment is great wealth. After all, we didn't bring anything with us when we came into this world, and we certainly can't carry anything with us when we die. So if you have enough food and clothing, let us be content." (1Timothy 6:6-7) Success is not about how many people know your name, or think you are great. Success is measured by making a difference in the lives of people. We cannot take any thing with us when we die, but we can take other people. Jesus said, "You know that in this world, kings are tyrants and officials lord it over the people beneath them. But among you it should be quite different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must become your slave. For even I, the Son of Man, came here not to be served but to serve others, and to give My life as a ransom for many." (Matthew 20:25-28) I expect you to have great success in life. Don't let anyone tell you that there is any other way to succeed but God's way.

Christina, I love you. These next few years will be difficult for our relationship as we navigate the waters of your new independence and my taking a step back in managing your life. It is a dance we will need to learn together and we will be stepping on each other’s toes. It is a happy and exciting time, and a sad and scary time for us. But please know that I have confidence in you and in God who loves and cares for you.

The change that results from whole hearted devotion to Christ

2008-10-17T02:48:00.000-04:00

The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition. 1 Peter 3:1-4 MSG

It has been two years now since Al committed his life to Christ, and a good time to reflect on that, from my point of view. People ask me, how has Al changed? Now would be a good time to share how life is different now that he has crossed the line of faith.

First, I now urge, even more strongly, women who are yet unmarried to only commit to a man who is whole-heartedly devoted to Christ. I am amazed at the difference this has made in our life together.

I did not have to instruct or encourage Al to change. It happened by the exclusive and mighty power of the Spirit of Christ. He reads his Bible daily, listens to praise music, reads Christian books---his current interest is in the marriage relationship. He desires to be a godly husband and is pursuing that goal in a passionate way.

He prays with me. He cries with me. He gives me Godly counsel, he is much more patient to hear about my issues and shares his with me. He pursues me, makes sure we have enough quality time together. He leaves me notes, he reads to me, he calls me at work, he has given me gifts unlike before this time. He has become my best friend. He has become an even sweeter lover.

He will accept my rebuke of his sins (of course, I need to be gentle and respectful), and he thoughtfully considers my words. Even if sometimes emotions are too hot for an immediate positive response, he always comes back to me later. He says he’s SORRY and admits when he is wrong.

Two years later, I still am amazed at this blessing from God. I am awed by the power of the Spirit to transform and this has given me hope to pray for the most difficult issues.

I would also like to share, from my current perspective, what to do if you are still waiting for this transformation to happen in your husband. If I would give a word of advice, it would be this…

While you wait, pursue a holy life, devoted to Jesus.

It is not easy to do this as a woman married to a man who is uncommitted to God. But doing this will accomplish two things.

First, we can not impart what we do not have. As we are changed by the power of the Spirit, that change effects others, especially those in our household. The beauty of inner holiness is very attractive.

Second, as we wait, Jesus longs to strengthen us, console us, fulfill our every need, and be the husband to us we do not yet have. Do not allow the busy-ness of the world to pull you away from this. Draw near to Jesus by reading His Word, worship, prayer and fellowship with other believers. Cry out to Him when you are weary, let others lift you up in prayer, praise Him when you are impatient, go to His Word when you are confused. Jesus never disappoints.

Jesus is even more desirous of a commitment from your husband than you are. As you allow Jesus to change you, He can use you to draw your husband to Himself.

A Job in the Field

2008-10-11T07:57:00.000-04:00

Psalm 37:3-5

3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and He will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in Him and He will do this:

One of my oldest fears about being "called" by God was thinking He would ask me to be a nun, or worse yet, to be a missionary in Africa or something like that. I was so relieved when I heard Pastor Ed’s teaching on this subject, saying that God does not work that way. He works on our hearts over a period of time until His desire for us becomes our desire.

God has been working on me for quite a while, from several different directions. He had given me a passion to be more active in the community and outside of the church. He had allowed concerns about finances to arise in our family. This past spring, as our youngest daughter, Debbie, graduated high school and was accepted into Kean University, the concern over tuition began to overwhelm me and I sought God in prayer for a full-time position. My position at MCC has been part-time.

At the Leadership Summit in August of this year, I was so torn up by Bill Hybels last talk. "Relentless" was the title, about Mother Theresa and the passion God put in her heart to help the poor and sick in Calcutta. I remember feeling so sad because I wanted to continue to serve Christ, but knew I needed to find full time employment. I didn't want to join a secular company and was concerned on how I would adjust to that after being secluded in the church for so long.

However, when I was first offered an interview with Urban Renewal Corp, a non-profit homeless shelter in Newark, I didn't even want to go. As God and I discussed the matter in the car on the way there, He told me, "I am not going to make you do anything. You will have to WANT this."

When I met the man behind the place, he so impressed me as someone who was doing Christ's work, although he is a not a committed Christ-follower. He was a businessman who fell into this because of his big heart. He is serious about serving the homeless, his program is impressive and comprehensive.

On Wednesday of this week, I was offered a position as Executive Assistant to the CEO of Urban Renewal, and because they needed to fill the position immediately, I began work on Thursday. I will be working also at MCC next week, and then off hours with the MCC staff as long as it takes to assure a smooth transition.

How fitting that God is sending me also to the mission field, even if it is only a few miles south of my home! I will still be able to make it home for dinner. God is indeed merciful!

This is something that I have been prayerful and patient about and I am confident that I am following God. I am sure that He will also provide what is needed at MCC to fill the gap I am leaving, because He loves us and always provides for His people.

It has been an honor and a privilege and a joy to serve Christ at MCC and I expect to continue to do so, just no longer 9-5.

Barbara

He has filled our hearts with wonder

2008-09-28T19:02:00.000-04:00

This past week has been tumultuous. As always, everything speeds up in September, but for us Ruglios, this is an extreme.

Currently, I work as a church secretary part time, and although I love my job and the people I work with, I have felt God has been leading me to change to full time employment.

Since May I have been working on writing and rewriting my resume, meeting with career counselors and employment agencies, emailing cover letters to potential employers, networking and asking for prayer. This week, I landed my first two interviews and it felt real enough to tell my Bible study group, the MOPS team and my boss of my leaving. All were so sweet, hating to see me go and wondering how life would go on at the church as I have been such a standard there for now 13 years.

My first interview on Thursday was amazing – a man who may be not be committed to Christ, as we would see it, yet doing Christ’s work, caring for the homeless in a warehouse in Newark with a vast comprehensive program. I was enthralled and encouraged.

I returned to church to work on Friday, pensive and sad and concerned for the people and the work still yet to be accomplished here at Montclair. As is my habit, I sat in the balcony Friday afternoon, finishing the Sunday service PowerPoint, listening to the worship team on CD. One of the songs was Made to Worship (Chris Tomlin), which was in the song list for this Sunday. Through the evening and the next day, it keep playing in my head, Pastor Jeff’s voice and the worship team singing to me over and over.

Today, I stood in the service and as Pastor Jeff began to sing the bridge of that song, I opened my eyes, and stopped worshipping to watch him as he sang it live. And as he did, I said to myself – It’s not him!

And I felt the Father say to me, “No, it is not him, it was never him, but it was Me all along, singing over you as you served Me. I only used his voice.” And I smiled.

How often we fall into the trap of thinking that the Spiritual Gift is attached to the person who ministers to you! Whether it is singing or preaching or even in the Gift of service, we forget - it is Him.

It is not me who served the Body of Christ here at Montclair. It was Christ all along, He only used my hands. And when I leave, He will still be here, using someone else’s hands. How sweet to know that it was never me, it was always Him.

All we are
And all we have
Is all a gift from God that we receive
Brought to life
We open up our eyes
To see the majesty and glory of the King

He has filled our hearts with wonder
So that we always remember

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
When you and I embrace surrender
When you and I choose to believe
Then you and I will see who we were meant to be

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

2008-09-04T18:05:00.000-04:00

Looking at photos of others’ family vacations, I thought about how it is impossible to capture on film the beauty and wonder of the beach. How can you transcribe to a photo the warmth of the water, the smell of the surf, the feel of the sand on your feet, different at every hour of the day? At mid-day, the sand is scalding hot at the top of the beach, and sweetly cold at the water’s edge. By evening time, the sand is refreshingly cool, almost a surprise as you slip off your sandals and slide your feet into it. Even the sounds shift: some days, barely a wave, as the water laps gentle onto the shore. Other times, when the surf is high due to a storm, many miles away, it crashes with a boom that echoes all the way to the beach house.

Mostly we walked, together and separately, rediscovering our relationship with each other and the Lord.

As I walked the beach and drank in the sights, sounds, smells and feels, I talked to Jesus. Often He answered me there. Mostly, He was patient and kind and listened as I unloaded my burdens at His feet, wept my frustrations, and sang with thankfulness over the blessings.

I walked the dog daily down our dusty, sandy street. I walked past the tiny homes, in perfectly spaced rows, close enough to the ground to peer in the windows and see the pictures and paneling, the TV sets and messy kitchen tables. I could hear the phones ring, the babies cry, smell the bacon and barbecue. I felt the breeze on my face, the heat of the sun on my arms, and the lumps of pebbles and indents of ditches in the road.

Al and I walked to the bay at Chadwick, stopping as we crossed over the bridge, watching the divers, the fish, the boats, the houses under construction, the fishermen, the birds. In the evening we would walk to Wawa, buy ice cream and carry it to the Chadwick beach boardwalk and eat it on a bench as we watched the moon rise. Other evenings we would walk to the bay side at Ocean Beach 2 and watch the sun set and the stars come out slowly as we sat on a bench looking out at the bay. As we sat, we talked and prayed and laughed and cried, hugged and giggled, and then returned, exhausted, read briefly before collapsing into bed, ending another day.

We enjoyed our grandson, our mornings at Sunday services, talks with neighbors, rides in the boat, especially when the boat got stuck on a grassy island in the middle of the bay, the wind rushing at us, trapping us in shallow water. That was exciting!

What I learned on My Summer Vacation

There was a quality of a study break to this vacation. I read a lot, attended a women’s Bible study and the Leadership Summit. Even saw some movies. I found something to be learned in everything I did. Here’s the summary

It is important to take time to process hurts and deal with it, whether through prayer, journaling, or whatever it takes. Sharing with others is gossip; it is sin and leads to more pain. Sharing with God is prayer and leads to peace. “If I march though life pretending to smile while inside I bleed, I am dishonouring the relationship.” (Yancey, Prayer)
While it is important to take action at times to resolve hurts, always show respect, especially to the men in my life. Because if I do not, I will only succeed in hurting them and not resolving the issue. I do not want to vent indiscriminately; it is not productive. The actions I do need to take always lead to peace and reconciliation, and include encouragement, mercy and kindness, checking my motives and attitudes before the Throne of the King.
Submission is voluntary, a sign of controlling our power, like keeping a fire safe in a fire place. I found out that rowing in different directions gets us no where but tired. It is not so much as about trusting them, but trusting God Himself, who has put others in authority above me. Even Jesus chose to submit to earthly authorities, like His parents and religious and political leaders. He did more than just teach it. He did it. The Lord of Glory Himself will fight for me if I have faith and hold my peace.
Interruptions are for God’s glory. We can find something in every interruption and trial to learn, to grow, or to bless, if we tune into God’s power.
Free will is sacred. (Bruce Almighty, care of Steve McC) God Himself does not violate our free will, even when to do so would be in our best interests. He allows us to make our choices and mistakes and then accepts, forgives and heals us when it’s all over. Can we do less for our children?
Ministry kills IT. (Leadership Summit, Craig Groeschel) “I discovered I had become a full-time pastor and a part-time follower of Christ.” Gulp! Everyone needs time to regroup. I took this seriously this summer, and our Father blessed and refreshed me.
The gospel is a romance not a formula. (Don Miller) Seek to explain our relationship and not list the rules.
Children are sacred. (Monsters Inc.) It is worthwhile to sacrifice everything for them.
There comes a time to let them swim on their own. (Finding Nemo) Everyone needs to grow up sometime. It’s scary, dangerous, messy, inconvenient, emotionally wrenching, but you cannot postpone this step without destroying the relationship, or your child.
Keep the baby, find a new guy. (Juno) The movie was cute but in the end, the end seemed too easy to be realistic. I think Christina made the better choice to keep the baby and ditch the guy. You can always find a new guy :)
“Bring it on, God!” (Leadership Summit, Catherine Rohr, Bill Hybels) Pray and then get out of the way. But be prepared for the waiting, have a relentless spirit that will outlast the opposition. Callings are holy, precious things.
“Help, I am a leader trapped in a woman’s body...No mistake was made in heaven when God gave you a gift of leadership or teaching.” (Gifted to Lead, Nancy Beach)
AND THE OTHER SIDE – “I love to think of our personal ‘callings’ as invitations to be part of something divine. When I am invited to a friend’s house for a party, I don’t go over and try to run things. I don’t plan dinner, set the table, invite the guests, clean up the house...my part as the invitee, is simply to show up, go with the flow, and enjoy the festivities.” (He Speaks to Me, Priscilla Shirer)

He's all we need

2008-06-24T08:48:00.000-04:00

Come, let us sing a song
A song that reminds us we belong
To Jesus
He's all we need.

It is playing in my head, the song with Sandy Patti belting out the lyrics.

I'm reading Donald Millers' book, Searching For God Knows What, and he talks about how when sin entered Eden, and fellowship with God was broken, humanity began to search for self-meaning from other people. He talks about how people strive to tear each other down, and look for prestige to impress other people, with fancy cars, expensive houses, fashionable clothes, extraordinary accomplishments, good looks, and outstanding athletic abilities. We search for love from other people.

Well, Donald, you must have been reading my script too. I have made a career out of trying to make others happy. Beyond serving them to the glory of God, which is what I am supposed to be doing, I find myself getting depressed when I am not pleasing others, when I am not making them happy.

As if anything can make someone happy, but that is another story...

But as I wash dishes this morning, this song runs through my head and reminds me that Jesus is all we need. It doesn't matter if my daughter, my husband, my dear friend, my boss, or my mom are displeased with me today, or if they forget to call, or compliment me on my latest accomplishment.

Jesus is all I need.

And He loves me, He sees me, He has not forgotten me. You know, He wanted me to know He had not forgotten me so much, that He woke this woman up in a dream, had her call Patsy Clairmont, to tell her that, just for me. Well, ok, for you too!!

So, come, let us sing a song that reminds us that we belong to Jesus. He's all we need.

no go outside

2008-06-16T22:45:00.000-04:00

My grandson Gio, soon to be age 2, is learning new words. One is his favorites is "go outside." The lad loves to go outside so much that he has figured out how to open the doors and climb down the stairs, so we are careful to lock the doors. The other day I discovered that the little bugger can now OPEN THE LOCK!

Sounds amazing, funny even but for us it is scary because we realize he can get outside, into the street really, without us even knowing. I made a big deal of stooping down to his level and saying, with all the seriousness I could muster, "Gio no go outside by yourself! Only go outside with mama or grandpa, or grandma, or aunt Debbie." As I kept repeating "no!" Mama Christina instructed me, "Mom, tell Gio it's dangerous to go outside. Don't tell him just no." And I wondered to myself, what does Gio understand about dangerous?

Today I pondered how this is like us when we sin. We are tall enough and able to "open the lock." God has given us free will and we can make our choices and we are able to do what we want. It occurred to me that it is not that God is angry with us, as much as He understands the danger that we face when we do not follow His truth. Like Gio, we cannot grasp the danger. Like us parents and grandparents, it is not like we want to stifle the fun, as much as we desire to protect and keep safe.

When we cannot not understand God's truth, we can still choose to trust and believe God and obey because we know He is a good and great God.

Or we can do what we like, and face the consequences.

giving it a name

2008-06-08T00:22:00.000-04:00

My friend Stephanie had an operation six weeks ago and complications have caused her great pain ever since. Finally this week she found a doctor who could give a name to her medical issue.

What power there is in being able to name something! Almost like you suddenly have power over it in some way. You know what you are fighting, what you are dealing with. You can talk about it with more confidence and intelligence.

You can accept it, deal with it, and move on.

My therapist gave me the coolest tool. It is called "The Feeling Wheel". And what it is simply, is a list of feeling words, arranged in such a way as to be able to pinpoint more exactly how one is feeling. Co-dependents, like me, have trouble identifying their feelings.

So I have been doing this.

Envy was the last one. Hard to name, because, well, it's a sin. But in the end, I know what to do with sin. Confess it, and then my Beloved offers me forgiveness.

Today's was a bunch of words: rejected, discouraged, inadequate, insignificant which also translates to scared. Not a fun group of feelings to look in the face. But when I did, when I named the feelings, confessed them to myself and to God, He gave me His power over them. I knew what I was fighting, what I was dealing with. I accepted it, dealt with it and moved on.

Moving on. That's what I want to be doing.

note: Find "The Feeling Wheel" online via Google.com.

12 ordinary men

2008-05-27T23:24:00.000-04:00

Matthew 10:1 Jesus called his twelve disciples together and gave them authority to cast out evil spirits and to heal every kind of disease and illness.

And who are these incredible men? Men who can heal and have powers even over principalities and powers?

Fishermen, tax collector, political activist? Just regular Joes, ordinary men.

They will be the first preachers of the gospel, and yet, their only training was to have watched the Master. Their only qualification was their willingness to go.

Beloved, send me! Must I stay home because You have created me a woman? Then why did you put this longing in my heart to more greatly serve You? Is there another qualification I must have? Why then did you send them, these 12 ordinary men, and yet, I cannot go?

Your ways are unsearchable, help me to trust them.

But this time, just this time, can you please send this ordinary woman?

My Testimony: A Love Story

2008-05-23T10:04:00.001-04:00

My testimony, by Barbara Ruglio, presented at the Mothers Of PreSchoolers (MOPS) Spring Tea

When I began to think of sharing a story with you, my first task was to decide which one, because a woman of my age has many stories. I decided to tell you my love story. It is a story about a girl, some toads, her prince, and about how the story never ends there.

A lost girl

My favorite stories start when the heroine becomes of age, so I’ll start there too. I grew up in Belleville, not far from here, and attended Belleville High School and after that Montclair State College. Like all teens, I was searching for myself, and I found I had a talent for math, and for taking tests. Because of that, I graduated close to the top of my class in high school, Suma Cum Laude in college, with a BA degree in Math, a teaching certificate K-12, and a minor in computer science.

After student teaching, I decided that teaching was not for me. I wanted something much more glamorous, so I took a job at IBM as a computer programmer. In 1977, they were hiring like crazy. The office was filled with top-notch graduates, smart and ambitious, plus the current staff, men with gray at their temples, all in business suits, treating us new-hires, like equals. It was heady stuff. If you asked me what my goal in life was at that point, it was to be rich and famous, and as I looked around myself each day, I felt I had arrived. Relatively quickly, I moved up the ranks from team member to team leader, from project leader to manager.

My romantic life was not running as smoothly, however. I first fell in love in my sophomore year of high school with a junior I had met in an advanced math class. His name was Tony and he was an athlete, a gentleman and a scholar. Unlike some of the other boys in my classes, Tony had the good looks and charm that others had to wait to grow into. Eventually, my young heart was crushed by our breakup, his subsequent dating of other girls and his leaving town for college. Recently I talked to a mutual friend who told me that Tony had been married three times. God was indeed merciful to me.

I spent my college years exclusively involved with Stan, an ambitious young man who wanted to become a dentist like his father. Unfortunately, he also wanted a wife to stay home, cook, clean and iron his sheets, plus finance him thought dental school. He ridiculed my success, and was troubled by it because of his own academic insecurities. When I joined IBM, the light bulb went on, and I left him. But the damaged was done, and I spent the next two years not dating at all.

Enter the hero

A friend of mine was concerned that it had been two years since I had a date. Mostly she wanted to match me up with her cousin Al. Al and I had met previously 7 years ago, when we were both 17. At that time, we could not have been less interested in each other. But, 7 years later, I discovered that Al was one of those who had "grown into himself." We felt comfortable with each other immediately, and eventually fell in love and married in 1981.

My decision to marry Al was not something I did lightly. I had mistakenly attached myself to other men before and I was looking for a man of good character and someone who loved me for who I was. Al was all that. There were only two draw backs. One was, he worked nights, but I thought that would change as soon as he had the opportunity to work the day shift. The other was that he was unable to share with me on a deep emotional level. However, I thought that his other good qualities overshadowed that, and besides, isn’t that what girl friends are for?

Enter the real Hero

While my career and my marriage were settled by age 26, my spiritual journey was more complicated. It is difficult to pinpoint when Jesus and I started our relationship together. There are things I remember from childhood that when I recall them, I know now they were Jesus, trying to get my attention.

I grew up in a Catholic church, went to CCD, received my sacraments, and attended church. I had good experiences and bad experiences there, as most people do in any church environment. I was in awe of the nuns, in their black habits and large crosses on their chest and the wedding rings they wore. "We’re married to Jesus," they told us. Most of them seemed to have a spiritual depth and understanding that was beyond what other mere mortals had, but they were not able to explain it in a way I could understand. I remember desiring what they had, and yet, I did not. I wanted to live a "normal" life, with a husband and children, with a home and a car, like my mom and dad. They spoke of a "calling" and I wanted that, and was terrified of it, all at the same time.

When I turned 18, I left the church, but not God. We continued to have conversations, God and I, but I no longer thought it was necessary to follow the doctrine of the church I grew up in. However, being church-less left me spiritually ship-wrecked. Being connected with God, I found, is difficult to do on your own. By age 25, I was more open to getting re-connected to others. My friend Joan approached me and said she had been hosting a Bible-study in her apartment and invited me to come. Thus in 1980, I began to study the Bible in small groups.

In 1987, something extraordinary happened to me that affected all three of these aspects of my life: my career, my romance, and my spiritual journey. I became pregnant with my first child, Christina. Christina was due at Christmas time, and I had been attending a Catholic church in Montclair. As the season of Christmas drew near, and I grew swollen too, I felt a distinct affinity with Mary, the mother of Christ, in a way I never had before. The wonder of the new life, the fear of how I would care for her, the concern of how this child would affect my career and my marriage, was something I pondered as Mary did in scripture. Christina was born on Christmas Eve in 1987, and with that, I entered the mysterious world of motherhood, never to return to the other side.

I had taken a one year leave of absence from work, and at first, fully intended to return. Before Christina was born, I was still a woman who did not understand the great love a mother has for her child. After Christina was born, however, I remember looking at one particular day care center and leaving hugging my tiny baby to my chest and saying to her, "Never will I leave you in that place!" Of course, I didn’t give it much of a chance because, honestly, my heart’s desire was not to return to work. By summer, God had sealed the bargain for me. I got the news that my IBM department was moving to Connecticut (the joke was that IBM really stands for “I’ve Been Moved”). They were also downsizing, the first time ever for IBM. The package that year was the best of all the ones that followed, too good for a woman with a new baby to refuse: one year’s salary and two years of continued benefits.

In spite of that excellent package, leaving IBM was a great act of faith. In essence, we cut our income in half. I gave up my dream of being rich and famous, the business suits, expensive lunches, and business travel. I gave it up for poopy diapers, oatmeal faces, and being able to stroll my baby in the afternoons. Truthfully, many times I have looked back, but never with enough regret to make me want to return to where I was. Even now, knowing what I know and giving up what I did, I can tell you, it was worth it. Not for what it did for my daughters, that story is yet to be told. It was worth it for what it did for me.

What exactly He was proposing, and saying yes

All this time, I continued to attend Bible studies, but I was careful never to become "fanatical" about it, you know the way some people were, who just kind of lost their minds and their whole life began to revolve around religion. I thought that was silly and a dangerous thing, something that I, my family and friends ridiculed and avoided. Although I had continued to meet with friends and study the Bible, and I knew a lot more facts about God, I never became fanatical about it.

But that summer when Christina was a baby, I went to a Christian seminar with a friend from my current Bible study. The speaker read two Bible verses that I had never read before. It was Revelation 3:15-16 and it said, "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth." The speaker explained that this meant that Jesus does not want us to be half-hearted about Him, He wants us to be a fanatic. Suddenly I understood. It was not enough to believe the standard information about Jesus: that He was the Son of God; that He died and rose again, and lives forever in heaven. That belief had to be deep enough to make a difference in my life. Jesus wanted me to commit to Him totally.

The speaker said, "If you are unsure if you did make that commitment to Jesus, make today the day that you are sure." So that day, June 24, 1988, I drew a sign in my seminar notebook, and put the date inside. I prayed the prayer and committed my life to Jesus Christ. Later I realized that that day was Christina’s 6-month birthday. I would never forget that date and the commitment I made on that folding chair, praying with the man on the video tape. That day changed my whole life, just as getting married and having children did. It colored my world, and suddenly everything took on new meaning.

One of the things that had held me back from making that commitment to Jesus was I knew I would be entering into another mysterious world, and I would have to leave my husband, and my family and my friends back on the other side. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I finally realized that I had to make that commitment, even if it meant separating myself from those other people I so deeply loved.

Trying to explain

At first, I tried to tell them about Jesus, and my deeper faith. They did not understand. Some family members ridiculed me. Others just nodded. Al treated my desire for spiritual things as just another hobby, a better one than some of the other habits I had, especially staying out late with friends drinking at bars.

It is not that Al and my family were not Christian in their beliefs. They were. They believed, as I had, all the essential information: the Trinity of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, the virgin birth of Jesus, that He suffered, died and was buried, and rose again on the third day. It is just that this knowledge was not making any difference in their lives. They were not on a walk of faith. They did not have the intimate relationship with Jesus as I did.

I tried and tried to explain it. The response I continued to get was, "oh yeah? That’s nice for you. What else is on TV?" Finally frustrated, I gave up and just was quiet about what I did and what I believed. I felt like the nuns. I had moved into their world, and could no better explain what was different, or what had happened to me than they could.

When I started attending Montclair Community Church, my new friends here encouraged me to explain my faith again, especially to Al. They prayed for him, tried to get him to attend church social events, Bible studies and services. With each spiritual activity, I prayed fervently, "Please, Father, let this be the time!" But the Holy Spirit had His own timing, and it was not mine.

The Bible was clear on what I was to do. If Al was not interested in leaving me, which he wasn’t, I was to stay with him. My presence, even as the only one committed in this way to Jesus, sanctified my home, which is a fancy religious word, so let me explain. Because I was committed to Jesus, my family was set apart, like we put the fancy china in a different cabinet and use it only for holidays. We were like fine china to God, and He was able to work in our family, even though I was the only one committed in this way. I continued to pursue my faith, teach my daughters, bringing them to church without Al. I thank God that He led me to a church with people who never made me feel uncomfortable to attend without my husband, and always were exceptionally warm to him when they saw him.

Being myself, sharing myself

Eventually I stopped inviting Al to do "church things" with us. Instead, I devoted myself to my daughters and my work and ministry at church. I had joined the church staff as a part-time administrative assistant, led a Bible study and was involved in other activities. As I continued my faith journey, it seemed like I was leaving Al further and further behind, that we were becoming more and more disconnected. I think this is a problem for many parents as their children and work demand more and more of their time and energy.

Finally, I realized I needed to reconnect with Al, even though at first, I didn’t know how. He was still working nights and was still unable to share himself emotionally with me. But I realized that if I shared my faith walk with him, and my emotional struggles, even if he could not enter into the conversation himself as I would have liked, it was better than not trying at all. So I did this. I am not saying this is a magic formula to produce the results that happened for me. I am just telling it as part of my story.

I believe the real magic was in prayer: my prayers, the prayers of my daughters and dear friends. My friends continued to pray when I struggled and wanted to give up. I had always prayed for my husband’s safety, especially since he worked driving a truck at night. Eventually I began to pray the scary prayer: “Father God, do whatever you need to do to get Al’s attention!”

And God, in His faithfulness and mercy, got Al’s attention while still keeping him safe. One night, on his way back to the plant in his truck, he was hit broadside by a Mack truck, almost sliding into nearby gas lines. Although the impact alone could have killed him, he left the truck that night with a cut on one finger. Later Al told me what he was afraid to tell anyone else for fear they would think he was crazy: he felt an angel protected him that night. Al also told me that was a turning point in his faith.

Going deeper still

It was a year and a half later before I understood what really happened to Al that night. Meanwhile, although I had committed my life to Jesus, He continued to pursue me as a lover would, encouraging me to grow into a deeper and deeper relationship with Him. I began to better understand the nature of that relationship, and became better at explaining it, so let me try now with you.

When I was attending church as a child, or Bible study groups as an adult, it was like I was "dating" Jesus, like I had dated Al, and the others before him. I was checking Jesus out, making sure of His character, and that He really loved me for who I was. But finally, when I was ready (even though it took a really, really long time!), Jesus popped the question. Jesus didn’t want to "just date" me forever, He wanted to "marry" me. He wanted me to become His bride and for us to be together forever. Just like the symbolism of the nun’s ring, He wanted that with me. Me!

And as I explored this, I realized that Jesus didn’t even want my love for Al to surpass my love for Him. This is difficult to understand, and took me a very long time, but I finally got it, and here it is in a nutshell.

The greatest love we will ever experience, and the greatest love choice we will ever make is not about what career we will choose, or what man we will marry, or even if we choose to stay home with our children or not. Our greatest love, if we choose it, is to enter into a love relationship with Jesus. And He is there and available for all of us. We don’t have to be smart, or pretty, or young, or a good cook. Jesus wants us, He pursues us, and loves us just as we are.

I think this revelation was a turning point for me, that God wanted me to experience as well as all the turning points He orchestrated for Al. Just before our 25th wedding anniversary, I understood, and even wrote in my blog, that my love for Jesus had surpassed my devotion to Al, this man I so deeply loved, had two children with, and was married to for 25 years. Even if Al never changed, never shared my faith, Jesus was enough.

Watching him turn, watching him grow

For our 25th wedding anniversary, Al and I went to Pennsylvania, just to be alone and to celebrate. I was reading a Christian book entitled The Great Divorce by CS Lewis. As was my habit now, I read parts aloud to Al and we talked about spiritual things, and I restated, for what seemed like the millionth time, what it meant to commit your life to Jesus. And that night, October 10, 2006, the night before our 25th wedding anniversary, Al committed his life to Jesus too. Another date we’ll never forget.

Working in the church as I had been, I saw a lot of different families’ lives. I understood that there are no guarantees of a total transformation when a man makes a commitment to Christ. Still I wanted and prayed for Al to make a commitment for his own sake, even though I knew that it might not make a big difference in the quality of my married life.

I could not have been more mistaken. Al, who mostly read computer and car magazines, now not only reads the Bible daily, but also has been reading Christian relationship books. Now he reads them to me. I never prayed for Al to become emotionally deeper, although I wanted this desperately. I had under estimated how important this was in marriage. But God gave this to me too.

Al blossomed emotionally and now, he is my best and closest friend, in a way he could never be before. His commitment to Jesus changed everything, our marriage, his parenting, how he looks at his job, even our sex life. It has, as they say, "rocked our world."

This could be you

When I was asked to tell this story on Monday, I was not certain I would have enough time to do it justice. So as is my habit, I walked my dog and talked to Jesus. I wanted to make sure He wanted me to do this, because I needed His help in a major way. So I prayed and said to Him, "Jesus, if You are not in this, I do not want to do this, because without Your help, I just can’t."

And not to sound too mysterious, so hang in here with me, ok? I heard Jesus say to me "Do you really think if you did this, I would not be with you? Besides, this is not your story." Jesus said, "This is My story. I’ve just written it with your life."

Jesus longs to write His story into all of our lives. He wants to have a love story with you. But it must begin with you choosing Him. Jesus pursues us with a persistent and patient passion, but He never forces us.

I don’t know where you are this morning in your relationship with Jesus. If you are not "dating" Jesus yet, I hope my story has introduced you to Him. I hope it encourages you to start checking Him out. He really is a great God.

If you have already been introduced, and are "dating" Jesus, seeing if He has good character and if loves you just the way you are, I hope my story has assured you that He does.

Praise Report - Al's New Job

2008-05-09T22:52:00.000-04:00

Here's an encouraging praise report from Al, written originally to friends who had prayed about his job transition. It is so good, I want to include it here...

I want to thank you both for your prayers about my new job, for we serve a BIG GOD. One that changes us from the inside out, in ways we don't understand. Please allow me to tell this little story, that happen last week, so I may honor God from my heart.

One night last week, at work, by chance, I spoke to a man named Joe and asked how he was doing. I could see his heart was heavy. He started to say that this job was getting to him, that the job he does now is to serve others, and that was tearing him down and for the 25 years he been in the business, he has never felt so low. Joe was affected by the last round of cutbacks. He went from being in the first group out the door to being last out of the building, That meant that he had to load everyone else's truck, serving them, when before he was used to them loading his. He wanted to go back to being served as first route out the building.

Joe got me to think about that my old job, the one I loved doing in Wall Township, (even though there was Spiritual warfare going on) was like the new job that he hated. We both changed jobs, but I find that I have adapted, and Joe has not and seems to be getting more bitter. I know the difference is God in my life.

I know the first 5 weeks on this new job were very hard on me. I miss the men I worked with for 20 years. The emotional part of it was tough.

As an old time worker I didn't think I would be doing interstate driving again or after 35 years in the newspaper business, I didn't think I would feel like a rookie again, having to drive with the big rigs on the highway and not knowing the routine and the people I work with.

I clung to God like I was hugging Him, as the weeks passed, I was starting to adapt, I was starting to change, and the closeness to God was growing. Now God showed me that through this, to lean on Him for the strength I need each night. To drive with the 18 wheelers who fly by me at 80 + mph, New Yorkers who love to cut off truckers, and to work with 100 different men who I never worked with before.

My home life changed too. I was a person who was always watching the time, anxious not to be late for work, but now God has given me the patience and self control that is needed to enjoy the evening I have ( I leave for work at 9 pm )

There was a surprise that God had given Barb and I that was unforeseen. The joy of every married couple is to go bed ( sleep ) at night together. This is something that Barb and I only enjoy fully during our vacation until recently. As the weeks passed my time coming home got early to the point that we were in bed ( sleeping ) together for a brief time each early morning. God surely works things out and surprises us. What a gift he given us!!!!!!

All this to say, thank you for your prayers for me, for our family and praise God for his perfect plans for us.

Al.

be the Body

2008-05-06T21:56:00.000-04:00

Now about spiritual gifts, brothers, I do not want you to be ignorant...Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

1 Corinthians 12:1,27

What is church? This is a question I have been mulling over as we have studied Spiritual Gifts, and have been meeting to talk about a "next generation" ministry. An important question.

Pastor Mark has been talking about a new "next generation" church service, and what we want it to be...not just great music, but to encounter the presence of God...not just good teaching, to but to hear the voice of God...not just a chance to sit around with friend and eat free bagels and sip coffee, but to experience true fellowship of believers. And that's great. Love that. But is that it? Do we then go home to our own lives and come back next week?

A church is about not only salvation, but the process of sanctification. How do we facilitate that? Yes, there must be more.

It takes more than a teacher and a musician, even more than nursery workers and people with a hospitality gift. It takes a whole body. That is what Paul is talking about here.

People need to be shepherded. They need to be encouraged, they need to be shown mercy. They need hospitality during the week, as well as on Sunday. They need all the spiritual gifts. They need each other, because no one person, even a great pastor, can possibly be all we need. Until we all are called out and encouraged and empowered to become part of the church and its functioning body, we cannot fulfill our mission as Christ has given it to us.

Yes, we are all not yet fit for ministry. But is anyone ever really fit? I mean, really? We need to be educated, but we also need to be anointed. The anointing of the Spirit is not something we can read about and learn. It is a miraculous gift from the Spirit we cannot control.

We make the mistake of separating the ministry into the lay people and the "called."

I am sorry, but if you are saved, this is the deal....that was the call! All saints are called. We are not only called out of our sins, we are called to serve, and until we get that, our church body will be missing limbs, organs, important stuff.

It is not about Sunday, it's about every day. It's not about the leaders, it is about we all get to minister, to be part of a team. We all need to get out of our seats, stop being the audience and start finding our places.

The church is a body.

14Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. 15If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 16And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 17If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? 18But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. 19If they were all one part, where would the body be? 20As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

21The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" 22On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, 24while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

The Door: Open or Shut?

2008-04-17T22:16:00.000-04:00

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
--Matthew 7:7-8

Part of the codependent recovery is to accept that what is, is. That's a big struggle for me, Miss "Let's Do Something About This"

And to defend that somewhat, let's just say that the other extreme could be seen as a victim mentality, which I want to avoid at all costs! And also, as believers, we need to believe that all things are possible with God.

But somewhere along the line, sane people realize that they have come to the end of trying, and that it is, in essence, out of their control. Maybe not the end of praying, but certainly the end of trying.

And so, here I am. Not to give up praying though. Jesus directs us to ask, seek and knock... I have asked, and I did seek, but now I come to the knocking part. Knock and the door will be open.

Please open a door for me, Jesus! Show me the next step. Shed Your lights.

And yet, Father, what do I know? You ask us to wait patiently. Psalm 27:14 says, Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Like the church of Philadelphia, I ask for an open door, one from You, that no one can shut. And yet, Lord, I know You may wish that I say here and serve You in this place, and so I will.

I only desire not to miss what You have for me, and not to sin. If what is stirring inside of me is sin---kill it! Let me wait upon You for Your healing. However, if what You are stirring inside of me to be courageous and serve You some other way, please, You open the door. I have tried breaking them down and it only makes me weary. Let me lay it at the foot of the cross and trust You.

And You alone.

7"To the angel of the church in Philadelphia write:
These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. 8I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. 9I will make those who are of the synagogue of Satan, who claim to be Jews though they are not, but are liars—I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you. 10Since you have kept my command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come upon the whole world to test those who live on the earth.

11I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown. 12Him who overcomes I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will he leave it. I will write on him the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God; and I will also write on him my new name.

13He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

-- Rev 3

the enemy within

2008-04-12T10:44:00.000-04:00

20 Do you see a man hasty in his words?
There is more hope for a fool than for him.

22 An angry man stirs up strife,
And a furious man abounds in transgression.

23 A man’s pride will bring him low,
But the humble in spirit will retain honor.

25 The fear of man brings a snare,
But whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe.

26 Many seek the ruler’s favor,
But justice for man comes from the LORD.

Proverbs 29

Who is the enemy within? How can I know her? How can I combat her, avoid her, flee from her?

She is Haste. I rush to do things, say things, fix things. Haste is my enemy within. The hero is Patience, Restraint, Thoughtful Prayer and Study, reflecting on the ways and power of Christ who can work through me as I seek Him. He can even work without my actions, and only my prayers.

She is Anger. Righteous anger, selfish anger, it does not matter! When I feed it, it moves from mild to furious and shows no mercy. It trips up humility. Anger is a powerful feeling. It gives the owner of it power to control by force. Christ, in contrast, was angry but did not sin. He did get angry at sin, but never tried to control by His anger. Instead, He sought to woo by His love. God's Love ultimately has more power. There are those who refuse His love, and go their own way, but even then, they are let go.

She is Pride. Pride always trips up he individual who grasps with it. We know our power and position in Christ, and are confident in Him, yet we are mindful of our own state as weak frail dust. That is humility. In humility, there is honor, in pride, dishonor. Pride is a cheater. As we grasp at what we "deserve" Christ can not give us the gift, which must be presented to us for free.

She is Fear of man. She seeks approval from man, and favor from man, thinking the man can help her, but he cannot. He is powerless; he is unstable; he is untrustworthy. Christ alone is worthy of our trust. In Christ alone, we seek justice and approval. He is able and He loves us. He will not forget to answer our messages, forget to pick up the thing we need on the way. He will come through for us in better ways we can ever imagine. He will block our ways with hedges of love when we seek in others what we can only find in Him.

Take off the dirty rags of sin. Put on instead the fruit of the Spirit of Christ, that is patience, kindness, mercy, love, self control, humility and faith.

Even this, I cannot do alone Beloved. Thank You for helping me see. Please sit beside me, my Lover of my soul, and help me remove these dirty rags. Wash me with the water of Your word. Clothe me in Your righteousness alone. I long to be beautiful for You.

Beautiful for You alone.

Stir up the gift!

2008-04-08T21:19:00.000-04:00

Now about spiritual gifts, brothers, I do not want you to be ignorant...
1 Cor 12:1

It was an important thing to do, to devote these weeks to the study of spiritual gifts. They are important, not something that we should be ignorant about. Learning about them is not a struggle, especially with Pastor Ed's excellent materials. Being able to point out the manifestations of the Spirit's gifts in each other, that too is not a hard thing to do. But this week, we come to the end of the road, we take the "test" and find out, each of us, what gifts we have. Not that there is magic in this test, it is just a tool to point to a truth, something God has planted in each of us, long ago.

What remains is what Paul urges Timothy to do, in his last letter from prison. His final words, include this exhortation to his spiritual son,

... when I call to remembrance the genuine faith that is in you... Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began...

2 Tim 1:5-9

Because of Timothy's genuine faith, he has received spiritual gifts, that God confirmed to Timothy by his brothers in Christ. They confirmed them and prayed for him, laying on of hands.

But using our gifts in ministry is a scary thing. Mostly because our gifts call us to do what we cannot do in ourselves, in our own capabilities and power. This favorite verse, 2 Tim 1:6, is not about having no fear to do whatever we would like, it is about the having the courage to use the gifts God has given to us, the courage to do His will, to choose His way, when to go our own way seems more sensible, more reasonable, more safe.

But through the power of the Spirit, we have the courage to choose His ways, the power to accomplish His will and the sound mind to know His righteousness is best.

Before the world began, He had planned to save us, and not ONLY save us, but to use us in His plan to save the world and to call the world to Himself. He has called us to be His witnesses, His hands to serve, His feet to go, His arms to hold, His voice to comfort, His ears to hear, His heart to love.

We are called to be Jesus with skin on. He has no plan B. Even though He knows better than we do ourselves, how broken and weak we are, He delights to use us. Us!

So stir up, girls, the gift of God which is in you! Identify it! Practice it! Train it! Use it! Delight Him! Delight your friends, family and neighbors with service that is divine! Delight yourselves as you see Christ in you, the hope of glory!

Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good...
1 Cor 12:4

You have covered me with Your Mercy

2008-04-06T18:34:00.000-04:00

6 Praise be to the LORD,
for He has heard my cry for mercy.

7 The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to Him in song.

Psalm 28

Father, You have seen to it that I am covered by Your mercy, Your love. Protect me, Father, from myself, my own sinful desires, my own impatience, my own wayward will that wants it's way.

It is not the enemies that I need to be covered from, not the enemies from without, but the enemy within, who desires to have his way with me. Protect me from his lies, the temptations that I have fallen for before.

Stand next to me, Beloved, tall and strong and powerful. Cover me with Your love and tell him that I am Yours. With the shawl of love and the prayers of the saints, You have covered me. I reach up for Your hand. Lead me beside the quiet waters and remind me of Your love and the wonderful plans You have for me.

I know it was her hands that knitted it, but it is Your love I feel. Bless her for her diligence to do Your will. Bless Your holy name for speaking to her to do it.

on the third day He will restore us

2008-03-24T22:07:00.000-04:00

... from Hosea 6:2

On Easter Sunday, Pastor Ed's message was titled, The God of the Third Day. I knew that a week ahead time, as he had been home resting restlessly and preparing his next sermon, so he had his title unusually early. On Friday, I had been doing PowerPoint for this message, complete with scriptures from through both testaments about the third day.

But Sunday morning, it hit me with a fresh and stirring revelation. Usually I am not one to be getting a prophesy, but it feels like it. Of course, I am never sure until it plays out, and I am just as doubtful as the next person in predicting future events. God seldom gives us such a glimpse. And yet this so stirred me, I am writing it here, safely hidden in plain sight in my blog. Perhaps God's purpose for this is just hope. More hope would be a good thing...

Three years ago, three Easters, to be exact, was our first service in the new building, in 2005. Hard to forget, because it was such as crush of work. The Good Friday service was in the old building, and many of us worked all day Saturday to ready the new sanctuary for it's first service, on Easter morning.

It was a stunning success. There was about 450 people in two services, and if numbers count, and they usually do, this was a phenomenon.

But the story continued, and as it sometimes does, it went downhill. From that great number, attendance declined, slightly at first, but it continued. Then Pastor Ed shared with us that he had Parkinson's. Then our youth pastor, PJoe, was put on the liver transplant list, for the third time. He entered surgery just before Christmas, and left in the arms of our Lord. Personally, the decline continued for me, as my oldest, precious, 18 year old daughter told me she was pregnant, then my Bible study co-leader told me she was to have a double mastectomy reconstruction for pre-breast cancer, followed by another beloved sister in Christ having cancer, followed by a crushing blow from other quarters.

Two years went by. The staff and the ministries limbed along. The numbers continued down, the financial situation worsened so much that the last two years, Pastor Ed sent a request for funds for year end.

But behind the scenes, there has been growth...great, solid, enthusiastic, gifted believers have been added to our midst. Finally, a youth pastor has been chosen.

Like the Palm Sunday entrance for Christ, it looked good at first and then the skies darkened and hope was beginning to die, for me at least. But this is our THIRD YEAR. And I believe in the miracle of the Third Day.

Beloved Jesus, please apply the principal to us this year!! Bestow on us Your power and mercy and wisdom this year, Beloved, that we may share it with our community, carry out Your plans, and further Your Kingdom. May Your Kingdom come!

Amen.

Snakes and doves

2008-02-29T08:06:00.000-05:00

16"Stay alert. This is hazardous work I'm assigning you. You're going to be like sheep running through a wolf pack, so don't call attention to yourselves. Be as cunning as a snake, inoffensive as a dove...

21-23"When people realize it is the living God you are presenting and not some idol that makes them feel good, they are going to turn on you, even people in your own family. There is a great irony here: proclaiming so much love, experiencing so much hate! But don't quit. Don't cave in. It is all well worth it in the end. It is not success you are after in such times but survival. Be survivors! Before you've run out of options, the Son of Man will have arrived...

26-27"Don't be intimidated. Eventually everything is going to be out in the open, and everyone will know how things really are. So don't hesitate to go public now.

28"Don't be bluffed into silence by the threats of bullies. There's nothing they can do to your soul, your core being. Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life—body and soul—in his hands.

Matthew 10:16-28, The Message

Yeah, I want to sign up for this. This is not for sissies, not for a bunch of "girlie girls." This is not for those who desire to "make nice," who want people to like them, who are easily intimidated.

It is about truth and light and loving those people, as Christ would. It is about knowing when to pursue relentlessly in the face of huge obstacles, and when to retreat and shrug our shoulders. But never to back down. And certainly never to deny Him.

Easy to write as I sit here at my desk at church. But it is gut-wrenching to be standing in your mom's kitchen, eye to eye with her, and DOING it.

How to be like a snake and a dove? How to embrace the fine qualities of both: cunning wisdom, and also inoffensive love? And at the same time to reject the bitter sting of the snake and the weakness of the dove?

The Message of Christ is truth, it is good news to save, but not all will recieve it. When we are rejected, it is easy to take it personally!! "I didn't do that right, at the right time, in the right way." Or, we say it is the other person, "I need to reject and give up on them, and never speak of Christ again to them because they are rejecting Him."

Maybe some of that is true. But God can use all our mistakes. He is a BIG God! We cannot mess up so bad that He cannot redeem it. And people may be rejecting His gospel today, but we should not limit the power of the Holy Spirit, Who can continue to repeat our words of truth and love to this person and make him more open to hear it again on another day.

So with the empowering of the Spirit, given to us when we embraced Christ as Lord and Savior, we have the shrewdness, the gentleness and the courage to do His work, always, with our head on His chest, hearing His heartbeat, with our hand in His, allowing Him to direct us.

It will be hard, messy, dirty, dangerous even.

But He is with us. Always. To the End.

a love song

2008-02-26T22:20:00.000-05:00

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Will you lie with me and just forget the world?

You have given me a new love and a new song.
I can lie in his arms and he reminds me to look to You alone.
You have saved me in a new and deeper way by saving him.
I can say like Elizabeth, "The Lord has done this for me. In these days He has shown His favor and taken away my disgrace among the people."

And I rise up and I find myself released. There is peace, Your peace. I see Your love for me in his eyes, his touch, his encouragement and I know for sure, Beloved, that not only is he pleased with me, but You are too.

As Mary said, so too, I can say...

My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is His name.
His mercy extends to those who fear Him,
from generation to generation.
He has performed mighty deeds with His arm;
He has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things...

I will praise Your Name, and I will thank You and trust You, the Faithful Forever One, my God Hero, my Provider.

I will sing a love song. I will sing of my love for him, and we together will sing of our love for You.

The limits of a bad example

2008-02-24T00:18:00.000-05:00

Samson said to them, "This time I have a right to get even with the Philistines; I will really harm them." ... As he approached Lehi, the Philistines came toward him shouting. The Spirit of the LORD came upon him in power. The ropes on his arms became like charred flax, and the bindings dropped from his hands. Finding a fresh jawbone of a donkey, he grabbed it and struck down a thousand men.

Judges 15:3, 14-15

Today I was thinking about the limits of a bad example.

I mean, ok, so if we get angry, it is not a good idea to kill a bunch of people with the jawbone of an ass. But what are you supposed to do instead? That is the question!

The options of running away, ignoring the problem, gossiping with your friends, really aren’t the way to deal with it either.

And it is a real problem. We cannot control other people. People will do wrong. They will wound us, anger us, ignore us, etc. What do we do about such things?

Here is where I think the concepts of boundaries and hierarchical relationships help. Boundaries are needed in all areas, for example, You can’t do that in our house, in this office, if you are members of this church, if you attend this school, etc. We need to understand the limits, and then, if they are breached, to know who to go to fix the problem.

Even in personal relationships, and even when those in the responsible positions do not solve the problem, then it is up to us to define and impose those boundaries, such as, you cannot say that to me, do that to me, treat me in this way, otherwise, we cannot have a relationship.

And then we need to have the strength to stand our ground, in the face of whining, guilt trips, manipulation and just plain strong-arming. And still do all in love, always in a spirit that desires forgiveness and reconciliation. All that requires nothing less than a supernatural courage, patience and humility.

I don’t think we are expected to wake up the day after we received Christ as Savior and be ready to do this. It is just too hard, and we get messed up in our own past wounds. I think the best we can hope for is continued improvement and the contrition along the way. I think Christ is well pleased with that.

I still struggle with the pain from time to time, and the other day, I even thought, Does love always have to hurt or is it just me? But then the Lord spoke to my heart. Remember, My child, you live in a fallen world, and humans are fallen people. Their love is not what I intended it to be. You can strive to follow My Son, but you will still have struggles. Let My love alone be sufficient for you, because it will never fail you.
--from Every Heart Restored

Be on your way

2008-02-21T23:35:00.000-05:00

When you enter a town or village, don't insist on staying in a luxury inn. Get a modest place with some modest people, and be content there until you leave.

When you knock on a door, be courteous in your greeting. If they welcome you, be gentle in your conversation. If they don't welcome you, quietly withdraw. Don't make a scene. Shrug your shoulders and be on your way. You can be sure that on Judgment Day they'll be mighty sorry—but it's no concern of yours now.

Matthew 10:11-15 MSG

It's not about you. It is not your message. It is the message of God through His Christ that we bring. It is His Message, His Gospel, His peace that we bring.

It's not about you. It is about them. If we are courteous, gentle and respectful, they are held responsible for how they receive Christ's Message, not us. We do not have to argue, challenge, plead, or beat ourselves up and feel guilty if things do not work out as we plan.

Our responsibility is to go and speak. When and how Christ uses our work is not up to us, it is in His divine and perfect plan.

His Message has power! Focus on Christ, worship Christ as Lord of your life. Devote yourself to being a student and a follower of His Will and His ways. Then, if someone asks about your Christian hope, you'll be ready to explain it.

But by all means GO! Go to the houses, and if they will listen, speak. And whether they hear and turn in your presence or if they reject you, Christ peace is yours.

If with heart and soul you're doing good, do you think you can be stopped? Even if you suffer for it, you're still better off. Don't give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you're living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy. Keep a clear conscience before God so that when people throw mud at you, none of it will stick. They'll end up realizing that they're the ones who need a bath.

1 Peter 12-16 MSG

You are the equipment

2008-02-20T08:13:00.000-05:00

Don't think you have to put on a fund-raising campaign before you start. You don't need a lot of equipment. You are the equipment, and all you need to keep that going is three meals a day. Travel light.

Matthew 10:9-10

Last night I stuffed letters for Donna. She is going to Cambodia for a missions trip. Funny to come up on this passage this morning after helping her with her fund raising campaign last night.

But Donna needs a fund-raising campaign. She is at the end of a seminary MDiv program and, as part of that, is traveling to Cambodia for a missions trip. She iis required by her school to raise a specific amount of funds. She is also going to training classes for the trip, and will be doing the medical stuff to prepare herself. She has asked us to pray for her. It's a big deal, we are all expecting great things and I am excited for her.

So what's the point?

Last night I got to minister to Donna, to help her minister to others. I sat in my room with my folding tray and folded and stuffed and labeled. I did not have to go anywhere. I did not need special equipment. I did not need to raise funds to do this.

Our ministry can begin where we are with what we have, all it needs is a willing heart and a vision to see God's hand in what you are doing. Jesus is well pleased with Donna's diligent, passionate pursuit of her studies to prepare her for His plans in her life. Jesus wants to encourage her and bless her. Last night, it was an honor to for Christ, the Lord of Glory, to use my hands towards this end.

By all means, raise funds and go oceans away if He is leading you. But if He is not, He still needs you. In your own room. With your own hands, you can be used to be His instrument of blessing if you let Him.

Let Him.

Stay in your neighborhood

2008-02-19T08:03:00.000-05:00

Don't begin by traveling to some far-off place to convert unbelievers. And don't try to be dramatic by tackling some public enemy. Go to the lost, confused people right here in the neighborhood. Tell them that the kingdom is here. Bring health to the sick. Raise the dead. Touch the untouchables. Kick out the demons. You have been treated generously, so live generously.

Matthew 10:5-8 MSG

Begin where you are, Jesus tells us.

This weekend we met Korey and Jen. Orginally from Pennsylvania, currently living in Maryland with four children, all under the age of 7, they are considering moving to New Jersey so that Korey can pursue the desire Jesus put in his heart, and that is to pastor youth. That is our image of someone in ministry, totally sold out, willing to travel, go where God calls.

But for some of us, Jesus calls us to stay home. Begin where you are, to those around us, our families, our co-workers, our friends, our neighbors. Those people who believe but purhaps do not really understand that the Kingdom of God is here, not in some far away place, in some far-away time. We do not have to pack up our children, leave our familes or drag them with us to minister. We can do it here. Right in our own back yard.

There are plenty of people here, lost, confused, sick, spiritually and emotionally dead. Christ has given us the power to heal them, to comfort them, to encourage them, yes, in some cases raise the dead. We must not shy away from hopeless cases, hopeless people, because we know the God of all hope.

Tell them, bring them, raise them, touch them, kick them if you have to. Jesus has commanded us and given us His power, and best of all, His presence. We have been given much by Jesus, our life spiritually and eternal. So we should freely give.