The "Perfect" Christmas

It started in October. Everywhere we looked there were colored lights, red bows, decorated trees,  wrapped gifts and festive music. As moms, we feel the pressure to make sure everything is perfect for our family’s Christmas. We take group photos for cards, search for gifts, decorate our homes, bake cookies, all in an effort to make our holiday sparkle.

Deb has the perfect gift for me

But that was not how it all began. The first Christmas mom was a poor teen from a backwater town, far from her home and family. She did not have any gifts under her tree, in fact she had no home at all.  Indeed, she gave birth to her first born son, wrapped him in cloths and put him to sleep in an animal feeding trough because there was no rooms available in the nearby guest houses. (Luke 2:7)

The mom of this colossal fail was the one whom the magnificent God of the universe chose as His own mom. So relax! Your Christmas prep is going so much better than hers – and the result of hers was fabulous. 

In fact, we are still talking about it today.  

Gabe's Testimony - In his own words

I was almost as pleased and excited for my brother Gabe's commitment to Christ as I was for my husband Al's. Recently I asked him to write it down, and here it is in his own words. God often uses suffering to bring about His perfect and glorious will. Gabe's testimony is an excellent example. 

At that moment, I fell to my knees and accepted for the first time that I was not in control and could not think my way, act my way, or will my way forward. The only path forward was in God through the divine intervention of His only Son and my savior Jesus Christ. I surrendered my fate and my life to Him.

Gabe being fearless

Wait, lets back up a little. For months prior to this moment and in the months that followed, grace would provide the opportunity to open my eyes and recognize salvation in this life and in the next, through Jesus Christ.

Months before this moment I had attended a party for my friend who was getting married again. At the party I met a priest, the pastor of St. Peter’s Church. This church was well known to me because it was the church my parents were married in, and was my mom’s home parish when she was growing up. This friendly priest and I met only days after I was separated from my corporate position in what was termed “a realignment”.

When I met Father Ivan that night, I was 59 years old. I was a confident and gregarious professional. I knew in advance about my coming separation from that job and had prepared for it with all the professional zeal that I would need to secure new employment within a month or two at the outside. I was at the peak of my career and needed only to put the word out to my friends in the industry and start applying for open positions.

Things didn’t go exactly as I had planned. Weeks turned to months and interviews were few and far between. I was still confident that I could wait it out and keep searching until the right opportunity came along, any day now.

Finally, something. It wasn’t in my field but it was well within my skill set, so I took the risk and started the new position without fully vetting the details of its financial compensation. I wanted to get back to work. I had been unemployed for only five months but it felt like five years. I had never been unemployed. Moreover, I had always been at work at something – since I was a kid. Employed is what I am. My identity, my love and my hobby, was my career. I had money enough to weather unemployment for quite a while. What I didn’t have was patience. I wanted to get back to work doing anything. This new job was a new challenge and an opportunity to gain my identity back. Within a few weeks the financial reality of my new position became clear and after a brief reckoning with the boss, I was again unemployed. Luckily my unemployment insurance was unaffected and it picked up again, at least for a few more months.

Sleepless nights followed. Then one Sunday morning shortly before dawn I awakened suddenly with the thought that I had to get up and get myself to church without delay, and pray. Groggy, I threw on a pair of pants, shoes and a coat and got in the car and sped off. The only church that I could think of was Sacred Heart Cathedral in Newark. When I got there, I parked right out front and ran up the stairs in my slippers.

Every door was locked! There’s a special little door on the far side that is reserved for desperate wretches like me. I certainly qualified. That door was also locked. I hadn’t been to church in 30 years and even when I had, I hadn’t really paid much attention. I started to think that my disturbed awakening that morning was just one more dead end and false promise of hope. I couldn’t much argue with whatever cosmic practical joke this was. I certainly deserved it. I was down and out and deserving of it because of the arrogant assumption that I was in control of events. As the sun slowly rose, I sat on the church steps a short while before heading home.

Between the Cathedral and home, I passed St. Peter’s Church. Better than no church at all, I went into that empty church. I knelt in the 2^nd or 3^rd pew from the front and focused on feeling sorry for myself. After a while I heard music rise up from the organ. I must have been so preoccupied that I didn’t notice the organist take his seat and the 7:00 am perishers fill in behind me. I wanted to leave but didn’t have the nerve.

The very same Father Ivan, who I had met a few months prior, proceeded up the center aisle. As he turned toward the congregation, our eyes met. He could see that I was not the same man. He saw a very different man from the one he had met several months before. I had come right out of bed, in old pants, pajama shirt and slippers. With a mis-buttoned out of season coat over the top. I hadn’t even washed my face, so propelled was I to get to the Cathedral, not knowing really why. I was also visibly anguished which is why I was there in the first place.

After mass Father Ivan and I talked for a time on the church steps, those blessed steps of St Peter’s. He listened and offered no advice accept that I return the next week or whenever I wanted to talk. I did return each week and we talked again and again on those steps.

Sunday mass for me became a welcome and essential refuge that I needed to recharge my relationship with Jesus and explore the liturgy, the gospel and the traditions of the church, as if for the first time. It really was the first time that I had actually listened and paid attention.

Something else had caught my attention for the first time - other people. I’d noticed them before but never paid them much attention. Now all of a sudden, they were real. With smiles and sometimes not smiling, with troubles of their own. I find myself caring about them while not even knowing them. I watch them before services solemnly praying, kneeling in pews and at the tabernacle, and receiving the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ. It’s very moving to see such faith in action.

On the Sunday prior to Holy Thursday, on those blessed church steps, Father asks if I would be one of the 12 that sits near the alter to have my feet washed at the Holy Thursday evening mass. I had no idea what that even was. That Thursday night I participated in the mass - and began to understand what Jesus’ lesson to the apostles was all about.

During this time Father announced a mass for us to prepare for reconciliation with the Lord prior to Easter Sunday. Now it had been 45 years since my last visit to the confessional. I attended out of curiosity but was very apprehensive about confessing my sins. Everyone at that mass was there to reconcile their sins with the Lord. I finally mustered the nerve to reveal them to Jesus in the form of the priest, and sincerely repent of my sins.

Then with the grace one only reads about in books, that I thought could never be real, I was at once absolved of all my sins. Some, I had carried for over 40 years. It was a profound moment that changed my life. After reflecting on this experience, I knew that what I felt was not only real but that it was the only real and true thing in the universe. My life since has never been the same.

During all this I still had a problem that was no closer to a solution. I needed to find work! One morning shortly before dawn, again I awoke suddenly. This time with an urge to walk up the steep hill leading to the lake at the top of Ramapo Valley Reservation. It was a park that I had visited on my lunch hour from time to time when I worked nearby, years before. At the back of the park there’s a steep trail that was almost a mile long. It opened at the top of the little mountain at MacMillan Reservoir. I had climbed this trail on many occasions but never with the urgency I had that cold early morning. I didn’t know why I was so anxious until I got to the top.

When I got there, I knew exactly what I needed to say and to whom. I prayed God, “help me find my future, in my life’s work and in my life.” I cannot move forward despite all my strenuous effort and diligence to find a new job. All my business contacts and all my skills and all my experiences, were not getting it done. I needed God’s help, but knew that I had to do something first. I had to surrender my yoke to Him. I had to give this problem to God in the name of His Son, Jesus Christ. I had to trust that He would deliver me from this dilemma, and that not mine but His will be done. Admitting and surrendering control to God felt strange. I’d never even thought about such a thing let alone consider actually doing it. I was in control of me. I was capable of finding a job. I was in control of finding myself in the tangled confusion of my life. Or, maybe, I was in control of nothing and that my perception of control was an illusion, because on the big things, God is in control.

I fell to my knees in tears, accepting for the first time that I was not in control and could not think my way, or act my way, or will my way forward. The only way was God through the divine intervention of His only Son and my savior Jesus Christ. I surrender my fate and my life to Him.

Descending the long trail back through the park to my car took moments as I considered what had just happened. Nothing had physically changed yet I felt free and at peace. My problems were still there but I wasn’t worried or anxious for the first time in months. For the first time in my life I really trusted that God would deliver me in whatever form He chose and that I would be happy doing His will.

A week later I received a call from my old company of which I had been having conversations for a week or so. They wanted me back. Not in my old position but one two levels below where I had left five years earlier. I accepted immediately. That job led to a series of events that turned out to be the most satisfying of my personal and professional life. And to think that if God had not put that sequence of events in front of me, I might have passed on it.

It all sounds too convenient, doesn’t it? Jolting daybreak awakenings. The chance meetings. The precise timing of events. It all seemed strange to me too. Then I started to think about a lot of other chance meetings and good timing and moments of clarity that I’d been quick to attribute to my own good luck and super-genius-hood. No “luck” or super-genius-ness seemed likely now. I had been given a view of a rolling miracle in action. Not that I obtained a new job. That was the least of it. It was everything else. It was that for the first time I saw and I believed that what was happening was not of man. It was of God. That He had shown me a way to salvation that He provided through His grace and His suffering on the cross in my place, for my sins. Thank you, Jesus. All glory be to God. How great Thou art!

St. Thomas Aquinas said it best, “Thank You Lord, for having been pleased through no merit of mine, but of Your great mercy alone, to feed me, a sinner and Your unworthy servant, with the precious Body and Blood of Your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Fog

Aunt Ana and Ella in the fog.

The air cooled as I walked to the ocean. The white caps on the waves were barely visible as I rounded the top of the dune. 

How is the water? I asked the departing surfer.

Frigid and rough, he replied.

As I walked to the water's edge, the fog was so thick I could not see the life guard stands on the neighboring beach. Everything in front of me seemed to disappear into the fog when I walked along the ocean's shore. I could not see what was ahead, and what was behind me also vanished into the heavy white fog.

Like the future, we cannot see what is up ahead. Unlike the surfer, no one can come back from the future to tell us what is there. No one knows but You, Beloved Jesus. You are already there in the future. You will greet me with Your loving arms and only then will it be clearly seen. 

Ella feels safe with mom and
Aunt Chrissy

When I look back to my past, it too is clouded by my current knowledge, my attitudes. My heart cannot always rightly remember. Only You know, Beloved. And You will not tell me. 

Can I trust You with this secret? Can I have faith that You will be there?  Will I stay at peace while I still do not yet know?

Or will I trust these others who assert that they too can see into the future? I am sure they cannot, nor will they be there to depend on, to give me the provision and safety I will need. 

No! I will trust only You, Beloved. Only You.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Happy 100 Years for Frank

To honor a great man who loved my mom well, and who we love so much. 

Today, he is 100 years old!

I met Frank about a quarter of a century ago, so I have only known him a quarter of his life. But I want to share with you today what I have learned about Frank Micciulli. 

My mom met Frank in 2001 and they hit it off immediately. Because she was newly widowed, honestly, at first I was a little concerned. Who is this man? I asked her. She replied, you’ll meet him and when you do, you’ll like him too. And of course she was right. 

Frank was strong and healthy in his mid-70s. Unlike most men his age, he had a full head of dark hair. He was smart and strong and very social like my mom. He generously took her out to dinners, to parties, to trips she never would have been able to go on if it was not for Frank. He was generous with his time as well as his money. We were especially grateful he was always willing to drive up to be with us at our family parties. Frank because a regular guest for Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Easter, Mother’s Day and whatever else we all were celebrating. 

At first, I referred to Frank as my mother’s boyfriend, always with a giggle that mom in her 80s and 90s would have a boyfriend. But as time went on, Frank became the only grandfather and great-grandfather my family knew. We loved him and he always showed love to us. 

It was when my mom had terminal cancer when we saw Frank’s best side, his love and loyalty to mom. I remember when the hospice nurse came for her first visit. She and I discussed how this was not only affecting my mom, but also Frank. In his late 90s now, we thought watching mom die slowly of cancer would be too hard for him. So I asked him if he wanted to spend the end of her life at his son’s house because it was going to get ugly. But Frank stayed and hung in there until the end. That really meant a lot to mom and to all of us. As she faded, he helped care for her. And when she needed him the most at the end, he stayed here with her and with us and helped her pass in a good way, in her home, surrounded by our love and his love. 

Frank at our home for holiday dinner

Now when I introduce Frank, I introduce him as my family. Because he is. He’s our bonus grandfather and we all love him and are so delighted to celebrate his 100th birthday. I am also so grateful for his new friends here at Cedar Crest and how warm and welcoming everyone is here. Thank you! 

Thank you Frank for loving us all so well. May God bless you with many more good years.

Love and Courage Passed Down

To my grandson Giovanni Emmanuel Moreau, on his 18th birthday 

Gabriele Micchelli was born in Italy in 1882. His wife Anna was born there too in 1885. At that time, Italy was a relatively young kingdom, formed in 1861, unifying the providences in that area under a single king. Note that in the USA, 1861 was the start of the Civil War. 

In the late 1800s, there was dire poverty among the common Italian people who did not own land, and even for those who did, the soil was poor. Exploitation, violence, malnutrition and disease were widespread. Because of this, more than four million Italians immigrated to the United States between 1880 and 1924 to look for a better life. Among them were Gabriele and Anna Micchelli. 

Gabriele and Anna settled in Newark NJ near other family and had nine children, six boys and three girls. As per tradition, the first seven were named after grandparents, uncles and aunts. The eighth was named Ann after her mother. Their last baby, born November 6, 1925, was a surprise as Anna was 40 years old and thought she was past child-bearing age. They named their baby son Gabriel after his father. 

Gabriel grew up in a multi-generational home. His oldest brother Louis was 20 when he was born. When Louis married, he brought his bride to the second floor apartment to live. There, they had a son who they also named Gabriel. He was about four years younger than his uncle Gabriel and they grew up together, as did the other cousins, as the oldest Micchelli children married and took their turn to live in the upstairs apartment. 

In 1929, when Gabriel was four years old, his father died of the flu at age 47. Anna was only 44. Gabriel had no memory of his father, only sharing with us the story of him playing in front of the casket set up in the living room for family to visit. The oldest sons were already working and contributed to the household so that they could manage to keep food on the table. Thus began a habit of the brothers bringing their pay home each week's end and placing their pay envelope (they were paid in cash) on the kitchen table, unopened, for their mother. This practice continued until Gabriel married, when to Louise's surprise, at week's end, he came home and placed his pay envelope on their kitchen table, unopened. Gabriel's older brothers and sisters helped raise him. He remained the beloved baby brother to them all of their lives. 

The language spoken in the home was Italian. Anna never learned English and taught all her children to speak Italian. Therefore, when Gabriel went to public school, he spoke only Italian and had to learn English there. 

The year of Gabriele's death was also the start of the Great Depression. Money was tight. Favorite meals included Pasta e Fagioli (pasta and beans) and pasta with gravy made with leftover bones bought at the local butcher shop. All the brothers at home slept in one room and Gabriel joked that since they all shared clothes, the first one up was the best one dressed. 

When Pearl Harbor was attacked on December 7, 1941, the United States declared war. Gabriel had just turned 16 years old. Therefore after high school, Gabriel did not go to college and he did not get a job. He enlisted in the Army and saw combat in World War II overseas. He was one of the fortunate ones to return home with only a hearing loss due to a bomb that exploded nearby. Another of his brothers, Joseph was not so lucky. He was wounded in the rear leg, had to wear and brace, and suffered with pain for the rest of his life. 

When Gabriel returned from the war, his future was mapped out for him. Like the rest of his brothers and one of his sisters, he learned the hairdressing trade because one well-established Micchelli uncle had a successful hairdressing shop in Newark. Gabriel worked there for several years. He worked as a hairdresser all of his life, until he retired. Then he continued to cut our hair until his dementia took hold of him. 

Gabriele and Anna Micchelli are your great-great grandparents. I have no memory of either grandparent, Gabriele or Anna. All I have are the memories of the stories told about them. But the love they had for their children has been passed on to me. The courage they had to leave their homeland, to come to a distant country for a better life, and to struggle through loss, poverty and war, that has been passed down to me as well. And so I want to pass that on to you. 

This week you turn 18 and graduate from high school. You will attend university in the fall. This is a great adventure, but also a great privilege. Always remember you stand on the shoulders of great men and women of love and courage who have made this possible for us. 

And remember to pass it on.

More on Gabriel Micchelli, click  here.

Put on Your Armor

Having just completed Priscilla Shirer's study The Armor of God, here are my notes and blessings received that I want to remember...

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 

In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God. 

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. (Ephesians 6:10-18).

We talk about Faith being a journey. Sounds like a trip to Disneyland. But here we are reminded it is a battlefield. The enemy may be invisible but he is very real, clever and persistent. We may think we are immune because we are believers, but we are not. However, the Holy Spirit gives us power but we must employ the strategies Paul gives us to overcome the evil one. We must be alert and participate in the battle.

First we must be alert to the lies of the enemy. Refuse to allow trials or comforts to make us unaware of the battle. Pay attention to not only our areas of weakness but also of great strength. Pray the Lord would not only protect us, but also open our eyes to see where we need to engage in the battle. Help us notice the lies of the enemy and understand and desire God's truth. 

For me, my weakness is my desire for control, the lure of comfort, and my attraction to chaos. Father, help me to quiet my soul to hear when You want me to act, or silently pray and trust You. Help me not seek mere comfort but true peace, Your Shalom, which sometimes requires action when I would prefer to rest, confrontation when I would prefer to make nice, and being still when I feel I must act. Help me see, Beloved! Help me hear Your voice. You have promised to give us this wisdom when we ask; You are in our hearts always and all we need to do is ask You.

Truth is what God says. Jesus is truth. This is the starting place. Whether we understand--or  not; whether we agree--or not; whether we like it--or not; whether it is uncomfortable--or not. His Word is true and we must AGREE with it and LIVE it. God's truth may restrict us, but it also give us the pathway to peace with not only God, but also with others. His ways was never given to harm us but to give us the best future and hope.

Truth gives us freedom! It may look like restricted living but we all have a master, and we get to pick: rebellion or Jesus. Jesus is always the best choice and gives us true freedom.

The enemy tells us it's only a small thing, it won't really hurt, it's not really a problem. But it does hurt. It is a problem. Partial obedience is rebellion. Secret sins are not hidden from God. The enemy is always lying.

A life of righteousness, aligned with God's truth, is a demonstration to the world of the beauty and peace of holiness, testifying of God's love. Because of Jesus' sacrifice and resurrection, I am already the righteousness of Christ. I already have it. Before I do anything, I have everything I need. He has already been victorious, I need only to walk in its power. We have an invisible partner: the Holy Spirit. He is renewing our minds, changing our attitudes and desires, giving us strength. And our invisible partner is much stronger than the invisible enemy! Our focus must be on our spiritual health and the Spirit will supply all we need.

Peace with God should break down the dividing wall between us and others because we all fall short of God's glory. Jesus provides forgiveness for us all. We engage, showing others respect, listening, being kind but sharing truth. This allows others to see Jesus. Some will reject, but may it not be because we were not gentle and patient.

Peace means trust in God: being thankful, focusing on the good, taking our sorrows and anxiety to Him, doing what is right and trusting Him with the results. Then He promises us His peace. 

The shoes of peace He gives us are GO shoes. We are to go to others, bringing peace, joy, love and good news of reconciliation and salvation. He has created us for good works what He has prepared for us beforehand. What I say matters. What I pray matters. The enemy wants me to retire and I must not.

Faith is a shield to us to protect us from the distractions of the enemy. Faith is when we choose to act according to God's truth event when we can't know the outcome. "Faith is acting like it is so, even when it is not so, so that it might be so, simply because God said so." -- Dr. Tony Evans.

I can be absorbed by things I can't change (in culture and in politics), instead of paying attention to more important things in my own life that are truly my responsibility. 

God will help me when I take the first step. I will not run out of time--God is in control of that! As we move forward, God gives us a holy confidence and bold courage to push back on the things that had been overwhelming us. It is not about the size of our faith. It is about the power and faithfulness of our God. The enemy hopes we will be deterred by how feel and what we perceive. That is why he makes us feel unloved, insecure, incapable, or afraid. We can't let him win this war. We must trust God. He is always worth the risk.

Beloved Jesus, help me to have self-control: I don't want to do what my body and heart tells me to do, and allow myself to be ruled by my desires. Instead I want to allow the Spirit to rule me, to be alert and intentional.  

The helmet of our salvation protects our brains by reminding us our identity is in Christ. We are our Beloved's and His desire is for us. We must hold onto it and protect it. Our brain is affected by what our mind thinks. Science now demonstrates thoughts change the chemistry of our brain. When we change our thinking, we change our mind and then it changes our life. "Every time we have a thought, it is actively changing your brain and your body--for better or for worse." -- Dr. Caroline Leaf

We there must take every thought captive:

• Review each thought 
• Refuse idle and evil
• Replace with God's truth
• Repeat

When we agree with and rehearse the enemy's lies, we are a partner with him in building up walls that keep us captive. There may be a grain of truth, but entangle that from the other lies.

We always need the humility to ask the question: is it me, Lord? But with it we must have the peace to know that what is my sin, when I confess and repent, I can be confident God will be faithful to forgive and restore me. And the Holy Spirit will change me. But when the enemy uses others to tell me lies about myself, I must reject those lies  

We act out who we believe we are. Before I make a choice, reflect on the why--the motivation behind it. 

And always compare all to God's Word. It is our great weapon against the enemy. God speaks to us because He loves us. Listen to Him.

We are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God has prepared for us beforehand so that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:10)

Beloved Father, You saw who You created me to be before I became me! Before I'd even seen the light of day, the number of my days You planned for me were already recorded in Your Book... How precious and wonderful to consider that You cherish me! (Psalm 139:16-17 TPT) 

You cherish me not for what I do, but for who You made me to be, Praise God! 

The Desire of Our Hearts

When we allow the desire for any one thing to get ahold of our heart so strongly and we focus on it so much that we do whatever it takes to get it--strive for it, work for it, dream, scheme and manipulate for it--when we elevate it to a "need" we will die without it...

Then this is sin, specifically called coveting, and we have elevated it to kingship in our life. And then it begins to rule over us.

Our desires rule us. Not God.  

Our love for Him, our trust and devotion, must remove the thing we desired then "needed" from the throne and allow God to return and take His rightful place, as King of our hearts alone. He will have His way away! He loves us and knows all things and everything He does is Right and Good and Pure and True. 

We find as we lie in our bed mourning our loss and weeping with our faces to the wall that God is right. Eventually His way is true, His way will come true. Nothing will change that.

And we find that we do not die without it. We go on to other things, love other people, serve in other places and these things are good. Better even. Of course they are!

Father, I realize now that sometimes our dreams becoming coveting, a sin. Sin, when grasped and desired, elevated to urgently needed, held to our chest, it kills us as we drift into worshipping it instead of You. 

Allow me to always see this in my life in BIG and in small ways. Allow me to let go, or hold on loosely. Help me to accept the outcome with grace and celebrate whatever as Your truth, Your grace, Your goodness! Let obedience taste good in my mouth and allow me to pursue it for its own sake. 

Because in pursuing obedience I honor You and draw closer to Your peace. Let no thing, no matter how beautiful, desirable, or even good, distract me or deter me from following You.

And he did evil because he did not set his heart to seek (inquire of, yearn for) the Lord with all his desire. (2 Chronicles 12:14 AMP)