I am my Beloved's

It was 20 years ago today that I started this blog. I have wrote testimonies and personal struggles. I have wrote devotionals, Bible studies and even recipes. Today, to commemorate this work, I want to talk about the by-line from the Song of Songs that has on from the beginning.

My motivation to start the blog was Jesus. As I studied His word and prayed and sobbed through my life issues, I felt He was speaking to me. It felt like the relationship described in the Song of Songs in a beautiful and pure way. 

For all of my life I knew Jesus was Lord, the Son of God. I believed it, but never in a way that allowed it changed my heart and therefore my life. I wanted faith but was afraid of it. I was afraid of allowing anyone or anything to control me. I was hesitant to fully entrust myself to anyone. 

But Jesus was wooing me. He was was not in a rush. He was giving me all the time I needed. And I needed a long time!

Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases. (Song 2:7b)

The change began after I got to know Him by reading His word. I was getting to see He was good. He was trustworthy. He loved me and only wanted the best for me.

Like an apple tree among the trees of the woods,
So is my Beloved among the sons.
I sat down in His shade with great delight,
And His fruit was sweet to my taste.
He brought me to the banqueting house,
And His banner over me was love. (Song 2:3-4)

And what did He want of me? I was not sure at first and then it became clear. He wanted all of me. 

My Beloved spoke, and said to me:
"Arise, My darling, My beautiful one, and come with Me."  (Song 2:6)

Jesus wanted to be my everything. Would I say yes?

I would like to say I did surrender to Him and never looked back, but let's be honest. Although I committed my life to Christ on June 24, 1988, my walk has been faulty. It has been a zigzag line of sin and repentance. Of vice and virtue. Of mountains and valleys and back again. 

But He never stopped talking to me. And I never stopped listening. 

The voice of my Beloved!
Behold, He comes
Leaping upon the mountains,
Skipping upon the hills. (Song 2:8)

This blog is our story, our best and most vital conversations. 20 years and 399 posts later, we are still together. He is speaking and I listen. I struggle and He encourages me. I fail and He redirects me. I trust Him and He demonstrates He is still trustworthy. I take the wrong path and He demonstrates again that He is able to work all together for the good.

It is not a perfect walk because none of us humans are perfect. God knows us, how we are frail and easily led astray and so He always provided sacrifice to return us to relationship with Him. Jesus was that perfect sacrifice. As we return to God in confession and repentance, with a contrite heart, He receives us. We are His children. He waits for us when we walk away, standing ready at the door to run and receive us. We are always welcome home.

That is why scripture uses the metaphor of marriage and children to describe our relationship with God. We are His children, His beloved bride. He is our home, our hiding place, our stronghold. He wants us to return to Him.

It is my confession and my identity. 

I am my Beloved’s,
And His desire is toward me. (Song 7:10)

I have found that:

Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor can the floods drown it. (Song 8:7a)

Not my love for Him, but His love for me has carried me. All these years to a greater depth of love for Him and trust in Him.

Yes, this year I need to understand fear of God, as I said in my Word of the Year post. Because I began my journey at the Song of Songs, I have held at arms length the concept of fearing God. But now, as I study fear of God, I have more confidence that His love for me is strong and true because I have seen it these many years. And it has nothing to do with my merit, Praise God. It has everything to do with His character, the goodness I have fallen in love with.  

Thank You, Beloved for giving me this place to write Your words to me and my heart back to You. It is You alone who sustains me. I am not worthy but I am grateful.

How Jesus Taught Us to Pray

Prayer. This is something we teach our children. They watch us, we instruct them, we urge them to memorize prayers. Even Ella, age 2 at this writing, is learning to pray. She watches us and follows our example. From the simple "Thank You, Jesus, for our food" to the memorization of longer scriptures, we all pray. It is in our nature as humans to know we need help, we need to give thanks, we need to share our thoughts and concerns as we travel through life, so that even those who claim to not believe often lapse into prayer unintentionally. 

But what is prayer? Why do we pray? How should we pray?

It turns out that Jesus answers our questions...

“This, then, is how you should pray: 

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be Your name, 

Your kingdom come, Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. 

Give us today our daily bread. 

And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one." (Matthew 6:9-13)

Five sentences, concise but full of meaning.

Jesus begins with our relationship to God, inviting us to call Him Father. We are invited to intimacy with the Creator of the Universe; even His Name is Holy.  Because we can call Him Father, we know we can trust Him to love and protect us. We know we can tell Him anything, ask Him anything and we are assured of His tender heart towards us. He hears us, He knows us, He cares for us. We are invited to give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you. (1 Peter 5:7)

God is my Father, but He is also your Father. We are taught to pray our Father, not my Father or even the Father.  We are to worship Him in community. We are to recognize He is the God of all people, everywhere and to treat them as God's beloved children. We are sisters and brothers to all we meet. When we hurt them, manipulate them, mock them, or betray them, we are harming one of God's precious children.

Not only is God a loving Father, He is also Holy. He is the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-present Creator and Sustainer of the Universe. We cannot allow our intimacy with Him or our busy lives to cloud the fact that He must be revered as the awesome and only God. We pray His name would not only be Holy to us, but also we will have the courage to proclaim that His name is Holy to everyone we know.

 

It also means when we don't understand God's ways or His words, it us who are mistaken. He is righteous, not us. He will judge us, we do not dare to judge Him. His ways are always good, perfect, righteous and ultimately bigger than our ways.

 

We pray for His kingdom reign to begin on earth and His will be done in our world perfectly as it is in heaven.  Our country is a democratic republic with checks and balances because men are selfish, foolish and tend towards evil. This form of government works because it protects us from each other. In contrast, God's kingdom is flawless because God is good, wise, just, and merciful. His Law is righteous. While we wait for His reign, we strive to follow His will and encourage others to do so as well because following Him together leads to Shalom: unity, wholeness and peace. We need to pray for God's reign to begin on earth but also while we wait, we pray for His will to be done in ourselves.

 

In our modern society, it is easy to forget that we are not self sufficient. In Jesus' day, most people struggled for the basic necessities of life, like food, on a daily basis. Today in my neighborhood, I can enter a variety of stores and purchase prepared food to satisfy my hunger, or even a stray desire. I struggle to remember all of it demands the work of many people: store workers, cooks, butchers, truckers, and farmers, just to name a few of the obvious ones. But the source of all food is God. It does us well to ask and thank Him daily for providing all we need. It fosters humility, gratitude, and ultimately worship of our God who cares for us. Asking God for our needs, even though He knows exactly what we need before we ask Him (Matthew 6:8), cultivates intimacy with Him. 

Asking daily for our forgiveness reminds us that we sin daily. It reminds us of our frailty and need for a Savior. It humbles us and encourages us to forgive others daily. Because those around us sin daily too, and sometimes hurt us, manipulate us, mock us, or betray us. It should not surprise us. We must stand ready to forgive, with the help of our Father. We do not truly understand the grace and mercy God gives us if we refuse to give it to others. Unforgiveness and bitterness will burn our hearts and make us unable to love others and experience God's peace if we do not forgive others. And we can trust God will forgive us too. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. (Psalm 103:12)

We must be alert to temptation daily. God longs to give us the strength to withstand the trials of life. We ask for protection from evil in the world around us, but also the evil inside of us. Again, we should not be surprised by temptation and tests. We are to expect them and lean on God for wisdom and courage.

Jesus clarifies here what we can expect from the world and what we can expect from Him. He wants us to seek Him daily for provision and protection. He wants us to have mercy for each other. He wants us in relationship. He not only tells us to pray, but He is praying for us:

 

 “I am praying not only for these disciples but also for all who will ever believe in Me through their message. I pray that they will all be one, just as You and I are one—as You are in Me, Father, and I am in You. And may they be in Us so that the world will believe You sent Me." (John 17:20-21)

Currently we live in exile, where God's will is not done and He is largely not acknowledged as king. We not only live in this evil kingdom, but our hearts are also evil. But He is greater and has a plan that will ultimately succeed and will bring us home into His perfect kingdom. 

 

We look forward to it and as we wait, Jesus invites us to talk to Him daily. This is prayer.   

Gabe's Testimony - In his own words

I was almost as pleased and excited for my brother Gabe's commitment to Christ as I was for my husband Al's. Recently I asked him to write it down, and here it is in his own words. God often uses suffering to bring about His perfect and glorious will. Gabe's testimony is an excellent example. 

At that moment, I fell to my knees and accepted for the first time that I was not in control and could not think my way, act my way, or will my way forward. The only path forward was in God through the divine intervention of His only Son and my savior Jesus Christ. I surrendered my fate and my life to Him.

Gabe being fearless

Wait, lets back up a little. For months prior to this moment and in the months that followed, grace would provide the opportunity to open my eyes and recognize salvation in this life and in the next, through Jesus Christ.

Months before this moment I had attended a party for my friend who was getting married again. At the party I met a priest, the pastor of St. Peter’s Church. This church was well known to me because it was the church my parents were married in, and was my mom’s home parish when she was growing up. This friendly priest and I met only days after I was separated from my corporate position in what was termed “a realignment”.

When I met Father Ivan that night, I was 59 years old. I was a confident and gregarious professional. I knew in advance about my coming separation from that job and had prepared for it with all the professional zeal that I would need to secure new employment within a month or two at the outside. I was at the peak of my career and needed only to put the word out to my friends in the industry and start applying for open positions.

Things didn’t go exactly as I had planned. Weeks turned to months and interviews were few and far between. I was still confident that I could wait it out and keep searching until the right opportunity came along, any day now.

Finally, something. It wasn’t in my field but it was well within my skill set, so I took the risk and started the new position without fully vetting the details of its financial compensation. I wanted to get back to work. I had been unemployed for only five months but it felt like five years. I had never been unemployed. Moreover, I had always been at work at something – since I was a kid. Employed is what I am. My identity, my love and my hobby, was my career. I had money enough to weather unemployment for quite a while. What I didn’t have was patience. I wanted to get back to work doing anything. This new job was a new challenge and an opportunity to gain my identity back. Within a few weeks the financial reality of my new position became clear and after a brief reckoning with the boss, I was again unemployed. Luckily my unemployment insurance was unaffected and it picked up again, at least for a few more months.

Sleepless nights followed. Then one Sunday morning shortly before dawn I awakened suddenly with the thought that I had to get up and get myself to church without delay, and pray. Groggy, I threw on a pair of pants, shoes and a coat and got in the car and sped off. The only church that I could think of was Sacred Heart Cathedral in Newark. When I got there, I parked right out front and ran up the stairs in my slippers.

Every door was locked! There’s a special little door on the far side that is reserved for desperate wretches like me. I certainly qualified. That door was also locked. I hadn’t been to church in 30 years and even when I had, I hadn’t really paid much attention. I started to think that my disturbed awakening that morning was just one more dead end and false promise of hope. I couldn’t much argue with whatever cosmic practical joke this was. I certainly deserved it. I was down and out and deserving of it because of the arrogant assumption that I was in control of events. As the sun slowly rose, I sat on the church steps a short while before heading home.

Between the Cathedral and home, I passed St. Peter’s Church. Better than no church at all, I went into that empty church. I knelt in the 2^nd or 3^rd pew from the front and focused on feeling sorry for myself. After a while I heard music rise up from the organ. I must have been so preoccupied that I didn’t notice the organist take his seat and the 7:00 am perishers fill in behind me. I wanted to leave but didn’t have the nerve.

The very same Father Ivan, who I had met a few months prior, proceeded up the center aisle. As he turned toward the congregation, our eyes met. He could see that I was not the same man. He saw a very different man from the one he had met several months before. I had come right out of bed, in old pants, pajama shirt and slippers. With a mis-buttoned out of season coat over the top. I hadn’t even washed my face, so propelled was I to get to the Cathedral, not knowing really why. I was also visibly anguished which is why I was there in the first place.

After mass Father Ivan and I talked for a time on the church steps, those blessed steps of St Peter’s. He listened and offered no advice accept that I return the next week or whenever I wanted to talk. I did return each week and we talked again and again on those steps.

Sunday mass for me became a welcome and essential refuge that I needed to recharge my relationship with Jesus and explore the liturgy, the gospel and the traditions of the church, as if for the first time. It really was the first time that I had actually listened and paid attention.

Something else had caught my attention for the first time - other people. I’d noticed them before but never paid them much attention. Now all of a sudden, they were real. With smiles and sometimes not smiling, with troubles of their own. I find myself caring about them while not even knowing them. I watch them before services solemnly praying, kneeling in pews and at the tabernacle, and receiving the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ. It’s very moving to see such faith in action.

On the Sunday prior to Holy Thursday, on those blessed church steps, Father asks if I would be one of the 12 that sits near the alter to have my feet washed at the Holy Thursday evening mass. I had no idea what that even was. That Thursday night I participated in the mass - and began to understand what Jesus’ lesson to the apostles was all about.

During this time Father announced a mass for us to prepare for reconciliation with the Lord prior to Easter Sunday. Now it had been 45 years since my last visit to the confessional. I attended out of curiosity but was very apprehensive about confessing my sins. Everyone at that mass was there to reconcile their sins with the Lord. I finally mustered the nerve to reveal them to Jesus in the form of the priest, and sincerely repent of my sins.

Then with the grace one only reads about in books, that I thought could never be real, I was at once absolved of all my sins. Some, I had carried for over 40 years. It was a profound moment that changed my life. After reflecting on this experience, I knew that what I felt was not only real but that it was the only real and true thing in the universe. My life since has never been the same.

During all this I still had a problem that was no closer to a solution. I needed to find work! One morning shortly before dawn, again I awoke suddenly. This time with an urge to walk up the steep hill leading to the lake at the top of Ramapo Valley Reservation. It was a park that I had visited on my lunch hour from time to time when I worked nearby, years before. At the back of the park there’s a steep trail that was almost a mile long. It opened at the top of the little mountain at MacMillan Reservoir. I had climbed this trail on many occasions but never with the urgency I had that cold early morning. I didn’t know why I was so anxious until I got to the top.

When I got there, I knew exactly what I needed to say and to whom. I prayed God, “help me find my future, in my life’s work and in my life.” I cannot move forward despite all my strenuous effort and diligence to find a new job. All my business contacts and all my skills and all my experiences, were not getting it done. I needed God’s help, but knew that I had to do something first. I had to surrender my yoke to Him. I had to give this problem to God in the name of His Son, Jesus Christ. I had to trust that He would deliver me from this dilemma, and that not mine but His will be done. Admitting and surrendering control to God felt strange. I’d never even thought about such a thing let alone consider actually doing it. I was in control of me. I was capable of finding a job. I was in control of finding myself in the tangled confusion of my life. Or, maybe, I was in control of nothing and that my perception of control was an illusion, because on the big things, God is in control.

I fell to my knees in tears, accepting for the first time that I was not in control and could not think my way, or act my way, or will my way forward. The only way was God through the divine intervention of His only Son and my savior Jesus Christ. I surrender my fate and my life to Him.

Descending the long trail back through the park to my car took moments as I considered what had just happened. Nothing had physically changed yet I felt free and at peace. My problems were still there but I wasn’t worried or anxious for the first time in months. For the first time in my life I really trusted that God would deliver me in whatever form He chose and that I would be happy doing His will.

A week later I received a call from my old company of which I had been having conversations for a week or so. They wanted me back. Not in my old position but one two levels below where I had left five years earlier. I accepted immediately. That job led to a series of events that turned out to be the most satisfying of my personal and professional life. And to think that if God had not put that sequence of events in front of me, I might have passed on it.

It all sounds too convenient, doesn’t it? Jolting daybreak awakenings. The chance meetings. The precise timing of events. It all seemed strange to me too. Then I started to think about a lot of other chance meetings and good timing and moments of clarity that I’d been quick to attribute to my own good luck and super-genius-hood. No “luck” or super-genius-ness seemed likely now. I had been given a view of a rolling miracle in action. Not that I obtained a new job. That was the least of it. It was everything else. It was that for the first time I saw and I believed that what was happening was not of man. It was of God. That He had shown me a way to salvation that He provided through His grace and His suffering on the cross in my place, for my sins. Thank you, Jesus. All glory be to God. How great Thou art!

St. Thomas Aquinas said it best, “Thank You Lord, for having been pleased through no merit of mine, but of Your great mercy alone, to feed me, a sinner and Your unworthy servant, with the precious Body and Blood of Your Son, our Lord Jesus Christ.”

Skunks and Turtles

When it comes to conflict resolution people can be describes as skunks or turtles.

Skunks are conflict enjoyers. They face conflict head-on and want to resolve it immediately but tend to be verbal, pushy, aggressively describing their reasons and logic or passions to the other person. In short, they stink up the place, like a skunk.

Skunks mean well. In their head they hear the words of Jesus, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift." (Matthew 5:23-24). Resolving conflict is important. Right?

Turtles are conflict avoiders. They dislike conflict so they keep it to themselves, deny there is a problem, or minimize it, rationalize it or try to forget it. They change the subject, leave the room, hang up the phone, or turn the TV up louder. In short, they retreat into their shell and hide, like a turtle.

Turtles mean well. In their head they hear the words of Jesus, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire." (Matthew 5:21-22) Being meek, kind, patient is important. Right?

Funny these two quotes of Jesus are right next to each other in the Sermon on the Mount. They are meant to be considered together. And mostly because God has a great sense of humor, it often seems like He has designed us to be attracted to the opposite type. Skunks tend to be attracted to turtles, and turtles to skunks. 

Skunks are wrong because in their passion to be heard, they can be experienced as not loving. They can criticize and accuse the other person, assigning motives without first trying to understand. This behavior can drive people away from them and the conflict, sadly because what the skunk really desired was intimacy.

Turtles are wrong because they can allow the hurt to fester and make them bitter towards the other person. In their effort to bring peace they stuff the pain inside but end up leaking instead, acting manipulative, passive-aggressive, with thinly veiled snarky remarks. This behavior can drive people away from turtles when what they really desired was intimacy.

 

What to do? How about we read the rest of Jesus' sermon? Matter of fact, let's start at the beginning.

 

“Blessed [spiritually prosperous, happy, to be admired] are the poor in spirit [those devoid of spiritual arrogance, those who regard themselves as insignificant, the humble], for theirs is the kingdom of heaven [both now and forever].

“Blessed [forgiven, refreshed by God’s grace] are those who mourn [over their sins and repent], for they will be comforted [when the burden of sin is lifted].

“Blessed [inwardly peaceful, spiritually secure, worthy of respect] are the meek, gentle [the patient, kind-hearted, the sweet-spirited, the self-controlled], for they will inherit the earth.

“Blessed [joyful, nourished by God’s goodness] are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness [those who actively seek right standing with God, trying to do the right thing according to His will], for they will be [completely] satisfied.

“Blessed [content, sheltered by God’s promises] are the merciful, for they will receive mercy.

“Blessed [anticipating God’s presence, spiritually mature] are the pure in heart [those with integrity, moral courage, and godly character, attitudes and motives], for they will see God.

“Blessed [spiritually calm with life-joy in God’s favor] are the makers and maintainers of peace who show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight, for they will [express His character and] be called the sons and daughters of God.

“Blessed [comforted by inner peace and God’s love] are those who are persecuted for doing that which is morally right, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven [both now and forever].

“Blessed [morally courageous and spiritually alive with life-joy in God’s goodness] are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil things against you because of [your association with] Me. Be glad and exceedingly joyful, for your reward in heaven is great [absolutely inexhaustible]; for in this same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Matthew 5:3-12 AMP revised)

 

As we bravely pursue righteousness by entering into peacemaking conversations, these are the highlights of what we need to pray for and strive for:

• Being humble and devoid of spiritual or intellectual arrogance.
• Being willing to look at our our failings and mourn over the harm and hurt that causes others.
• Being patient, gentle, kindhearted and self-controlled as we listen to and interact with others.
• Trying to do the right things, as much as we understand God's will.
• Showing mercy and forgiveness to others when they fail.
• Consider our motives and attitudes to make sure they are rooted in a godly character.
• Striving to cooperate and not compete or fight.

We also need to have courage. Courage to try to work things out and engage when there is the possibility that we may be hurt, insulted, slandered, or rejected. Jesus tells us here to expect these things and rejoice. Our reward for peacemaking is not here on earth. Our reward is in heaven, kept safe for us by Him.

 

I get disappointed when I try and things don't "work out". But that is a bad goal. It is the wrong goal. Our goal is the Kingdom, not earthly perfection. We do the right thing, with the right attitude and trust the Spirit to work out the rest. 

Beloved, You know where I land with this. I remember demonstrating the worst parts of both the skunk and the turtle. Please forgive me! On my own, I am hopelessly lost in my sinful pattern but my hope is in Your power of Your Holy Spirit in me. This year, help me follow You in these things and help me to encourage others to do the same. You are our hope. Help us trust You more.

Town of Sorrow

Most Bible readers are familiar with the story of Abraham who called by God out of his father’s country to journey to Canaan, the Promised Land. However, hidden in the genealogy of Genesis 11, is the story of his father, Terah, who had already brought Abraham (Abram) halfway.

This is the account of Terah’s family line.

Terah became the father of Abram, Nahor and Haran. And Haran became the father of Lot. While his father Terah was still alive, Haran died in Ur of the Chaldeans, in the land of his birth… Terah took his son Abram, his grandson Lot son of Haran, and his daughter-in-law Sarai, the wife of his son Abram, and together they set out from Ur of the Chaldeans to go to Canaan.

It was Terah who had started the journey to Canaan but he never made it. Why?

But when they came to Haran, they settled there. Terah lived 205 years, and he died in Haran. (Genesis 11:27-32)

Back in biblical times, people lived for hundreds of years. Terah was the first recorded parent who lost a child. Although I have never experienced this, it is said to be the most devastating thing a person can experience. In this case Terah lived for decades after the loss of his son, he even managed to start his journey. But he settled in a place named after his son and never moved. He was half way there, and then stopped, never completing his journey.

The Bible tells us a few simple facts and we are left to wonder. What convinced Terah to start his journey? Why did Terah settle half way there? What led him to stop? Did he give up? Did he find a town named after his son and his grief hit him afresh and was unable to move on? Did he name the town after his son because he was unable to move on?

The thing about a town of sorrow is this:
It's dry, dusty, lonely, and dead

Terah got stuck and settled in his town of sorrow.

Isn’t this what we are tempted do? Surely grief takes time to heal. Some griefs are so deep that they leave a mark that never fades. But God does not want us to get stuck in our sorrow. God knows and understands. He was there weeping with us when our loved one died. Or maybe it was a dream that was lost, or a relationship that could not be reconciled. Maybe foolish choices cost you years of your life. Or maybe you have been profoundly wounded by someone else's evil or a seemingly random event. Whatever it is, it is sad, we need to mourn the loss. We need to feel it and allow ourselves time to heal.

Losses can change our heart for the better as well. It can deepen our empathy, recalibrate our values, strengthen our resolve, come to terms with our limitations, or recognize our sin. Loss can motivate us to do great good. Sorrow can slow us down, it can deepen our joy and it can expand our gratitude for our Savior.

But let’s not decide to stop our journey and live the rest of our lives in our town of sorrow. Let’s rest a while, catch our breath, but let’s not settle there until we die. The Lord has other plans for us and that’s why we are still here.

We should take what we learned from the sorrow. It happened. It mattered. It was important, life changing even. But it can be life changing in a positive way when we continue the journey.

Let’s go follow Him. Let’s find our future, continue our path. It is never too late to follow Him.

So Abram went, as the Lord had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Haran. (Genesis 12:4)

Father, help me be like Abram and Lot, never afraid, never too wrapped up in my sorrow to follow You. Thank You for reminding me that I am never too old to be called by You. You are my future and my hope!

Epilogue - Feed My Sheep

It just didn't seem done, although it is after Easter. I needed to return to the gospels and try to sum it up. So I found myself at the last gospel, the last chapter, John 21...

“I’m going out to fish,” Simon Peter told them, and they said, “We’ll go with you.” So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing.

Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. He called out to them, “Friends, haven’t you any fish?”

“No,” they answered.

He said, “Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.” When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.

And I can hear Jesus telling me:

I am going to show up in the middle of your work whether you call on Me or not. I will call to you. You’re Mine now and you cannot run away from Me. You cannot bury yourself in your work, or your duties, or trivial pursuits. You can never return to where you were before.

No matter where you hide, I will find you.

Remember, what you are trying to do on your own will get you nowhere. You come back empty. Follow Me and you will be fuller than you ever can imagine.

Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love Me?”

[Simon Peter] answered, “Yes, Lord, You know that I love You.”

Jesus said, “Take care of My sheep.”

And I hear Jesus saying to me:

I am interested in your response to Me.  Do you love Me? Are you willing for the mission I will send you on? The mission is these others, My sheep. I am not calling you to an organization, or a building. I am not calling you to something that is about wealth, success, or power in any form, although you can be confident I will provide for your needs.

I am calling you to My sheep.

I fed you, Jesus said. If you love Me, then feed My sheep.

Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow Me.”

Jesus tells me: No two missions will look the same so do not bother looking to your left or your right. I don’t need to be a Peter, or a Pastor, or a church-paid-staffer, or a ministry leader, or an author, or a speaker. I can just be me loving Him, following Him, feeding the sheep He has placed around me: serving them, teaching them, loving them, having compassion on them.

And I can do that, when I rely on Him and Holy Spirit power.

If we are willing to do that, as we practice—not perfectly but, not giving up either—we are bringing in Jesus’ kingdom, day by day.

Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written.

Guess Who's Invited to Dinner?

Matthew 9:9-13

It was 1967, and I was age 12, when the movie Guess Who is Coming to Dinner was released, a story about Joanna, a young woman who brings her fiance, John, home to dinner.  The dilemma?  She is white and he is black. The drama was close to home for Americans of that era because a mere six months before the movie was seen in cinemas, marriage between blacks and whites was illegal in 17 states. While Joanna had been raised by liberal parents who  taught her to treat black people and members of other racial groups as equals, it became a problem when she wanted to bring one into the family.  

As the drama of Jesus' ministry continues, the Pharisees had problem with a similar feel. They too were concerned with who was invited to dinner:

Later when Jesus was eating supper at Matthew’s house with his close followers, a lot of disreputable characters came and joined them. When the Pharisees saw him keeping this kind of company, they had a fit, and lit into Jesus’ followers. “What kind of example is this from your Teacher, acting cozy with crooks and riffraff?”

However the Pharisee's concern was more practical. The people Jesus had invited to eat with Him were not merely a different color skin, as in Joanna and John's case. They were bad people. They were notorious sinners. Don't think people who gossip about their neighbors and cheat on their taxes--oh no--these were more like drug dealers, child molesters, and international espionage agents. The dangerous kind, the kind your mother warned you about, and for good reason! That kind of sinner.  

If Jesus was a teacher, sent by God, why would He choose to get close to these kinds of people?  Of course, the Pharisees judged Him, but none the less, when asked honestly, it is a good question.  Here's the answer:

Jesus, overhearing, shot back, “Who needs a doctor: the healthy or the sick? Go figure out what this Scripture means: ‘I’m after mercy, not religion.’ I’m here to invite outsiders, not coddle insiders.”

Jesus compares the sinner to the sick person, who cannot help themselves.  That's the problem.  When we sin, we cannot help ourselves, we need help.  Ask anyone who has ever been to an AA meeting, and they will tell you, that is the first step to recovery: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable. And then the second: Came to believe that a Power (that's God!) greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Then one more: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 

The sinner needs Jesus to help her, she cannot help herself.  That's why they need mercy, not religion. That's why they need us to tell them about Jesus' love, forgiveness, and power for restoration.  Another translation reads: I want you to show kindness to people. That's what Jesus was doing.

And that's what Jesus wants us to do too. Show kindness to people, even messy people.  Even dangerous people. Those are the people who Jesus is inviting to dinner. 

Beloved, this is very scary.  I don't want to do this. It is counter-intuitive.  Aren't we supposed to avoid dangerous sinful people?  It is so much easier to just hang with people who think and believe like I do, to coddle the insiders.  But instead, you ask us to invite the outsiders.  

I am not sure I can do this!

Maybe, I need to admit that I am powerless to do what You would ask me to do and believe You alone have the power to live this kind of life.  Ultimately I need to turn my life over to You so You can live Your life through me.  

Yes, let's do that!

Follow You

My pastor is doing a series on leadership. I am not going.

This summer was the first Willow Creek Leadership Summit I missed in many years. And yet I didn't miss it.

I am trying to become a better follower these days. Getting better at keeping my mouth shut and just doing what is asked of me. Trying not to second guess those above me, or thinking about ways to do it better or things they might have missed. Resting that it is not my job to drive all the time, and that ultimately Jesus knows the way.

At the Claridge House, Sam our super knows how to follow. For decades now he has seen Board presidents come and go, residents move in and out, workers hired and fired. I am following him. "What ever they say, I do that," says Sam. If it's wrong or right, good or bad, Sam does it soon, and with a smile, as much as possible. I am following Sam follow.

Recently I listed to a recorded speaking engagement of Paul Young, author of The Shack. Paul was in professional ministry for a while and he tells of a time when he was working hard for the Lord, asking for His blessing on the work he had started. "Follow me," he confessed to the audience, is what he said to God. God had replied to Paul, "you go ahead, I am going to stay here with the kids. I'll be here when you get back." Paul has since repented and asked God to allow him to get in on what God was doing.

How convicted I was when I heard that! How often, Father, have I said the same thing! What mercy You have had for me! Forgive me! I repent! I no longer want to do anything but what You want me to sign up for! I need Your power to accomplish anything worthwhile. I need Your Spirit, Your strength, You, Beloved, most of all I need You!

Most of all these days, I find myself in the dependent servant position. I eat my peanut butter and jelly in the basement "cage" with the other blue-collar types. I sit on the bus. I run when I am called. I smile at those who are angry at me. I thank God for the opportunity to show them the love of Christ, these sweet people who I would never have met if I stayed in the church.

I am learning better what in means not to lead, but to follow well. Trusting that in truth, I am following You.

I'm casting my cares aside
I'm leaving my past behind
I'm setting my heart and mind on You, Jesus

I putting my fears aside
I'm leaving my doubts behind
I'm giving my hopes and dreams to You, Jesus

I'm reaching my hands to Yours
Believing there's so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good
Is good

Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
And I won't worry about tomorrow
I'm giving You my fears and sorrows
Where You lead me I will follow
I'm trusting in what You say

Today is the day

Go into the party

“My son,” the father said, “you are always with me, and everything I have is yours.” Luke 15:31

There was a saying we had in corporate. After a project was over, then came the persecution of the innocent and the promotion of the non-participants.

Isn’t that how the older son felt in this parable? I can relate to him. I have been the faithful one. I have been here serving you all these years. I was the one out in the fields today with the sheep and the dung and the dirt. Now he comes back, and he gets the robe and the ring and the big party. He did not do anything to deserve your kindness. He did no work. He even hurt you by leaving and taking half your money!

And what do I get? More dirty work. And no thanks.

Makes you want to do just what the older son here did, stand outside of the big party and sulk.

But the fathers plea to him says it all. You have always been with me. Everything I had has always been yours.

And I hear Jesus saying to me,

“It is not a mistake that you have stayed behind as your brother left. I needed you here to serve. I knew you would be willing and up to it. It is a great honor to have been chosen for the field. They are My sheep you have loved and loved well. The gift for you, dearest daughter, is that you have had been chosen to be in My house all this time.

And do you really want to trade 5 minutes of fame on the platform for the years you have been in My house serving Me?”

No, dear Jesus, I do not. The gift You have given me truly is greater than I deserve. Hold my hand, sweet Jesus, and let’s go into the party together.

Follow the Leader

"My sheep listen to My voice; I know them, and they follow Me."
--John 10:27

This Sunday I was up in the control room, coaching two of our new volunteers in the art of running a PowerPoint slideshow during the Sunday service. The music is not scripted, but very much "flows with the moving of the Spirit." Therefore, as the worship song is sung, the PowerPoint operator has to pay close attention to the worship leader. Sometimes he cues us by saying the first few words he will sing next. Sometimes the cue is how the song is rising or falling in tempo. The cues are always there, but some times they are harder to read than others.

The most important rule to follow is: pay close attention to the worship leader. You must take care not to not get distracted by the others talking and working next to you in the balcony, or even not get too caught up in singing the song that you miss your cue from the worship leader.

So this Sunday, I stood in the balcony, pointing out to the new volunteers the the more subtle cues. One of the hardest to get right is to not move ahead to the next slide too fast. Often we will sing a chorus over and over again. We don't want the slideshow to rush ahead of the worship leader.

Recently, I had discovered that the worship leader not only giving clues for the PowerPoint operator. The musicians and the vocalists also need to pay attention to the cues of the worship leader. Sunday I watched as Larry, a new addition to our vocalist group, paid close attention to Mark as he led the worship. As long as Larry knew where Mark was going with the song, Larry then felt free to improvise his vocal parts, singing so eloquently in the background. But again, in order to do that, he had to pay close attention to the leader.

As I watched this play out from my spot in the balcony, I considered how this mirrors how we are to follow Christ. I know I would like my life to be more scripted, to know the timing and the order of things to happen in my life. It is distressing when my life get out of order. Of worse, when I get stuck in one place too long for me, and I long to move ahead.

But my life is not my own. It is hidden in Christ. Only He knows the best ebb and flow, the right rhythm, the right order. Instead of getting caught up in what is happening in the world, or even in my own life too much, I need to play close attention to my Leader and listen carefully for His cues. Sometimes they are subtle and I can easily miss them.

When I listen closely and know where my Leader is going, I can be free to be creative and use the gifts He has given me in freedom, knowing it will fit in with the other things He is doing, like how Larry did on Sunday.

Another interesting component to this on Sunday was watching Pastor Jeff. Usually he leads worship himself, but today, he was being led in worship by Mark. He spent some time in the balcony with us, but then got a microphone and I thought he was going to join the singers on the stage, but instead, he joined the audience. My guess is, he did not think they were involved enough. So, again, paying close attention to the leader, Pastor Jeff began to sing from the audience and clap in response, getting those in the audience to join him.

I realized that even the audience has an important part in worship.

As believers in Christ, we all have a vital role to play. As we follow the Leader, others watch us. As we joyfully sing in the song of redemptive life, as we clap in response and follow Christ, others see us and are encouraged to follow along too. Maybe not all, but that is not the point.

Often I have been tempted to lead others to response to Christ by my words, by my instructions. But this no longer seems productive to me. I need to lead others towards Christ with my life, by following the Leader myself, by acting in response to His cues to me. In the past I have only gotten distracted from following the Leader myself when I spend too much energy trying to instruct others.

So I am going to follow the Leader, listening closely to His Word, listening to His voice speaking to my heart, knowing that hidden in there, there is a cue for me today.