God's Design for Marriage

What is God's design for marriage? 

Whether you have a good marriage, or a troubled one, even if you have given up on your marriage, this is important topic because you are raising children. And as you raise them, you are imparting information to them about men and women, relationships, and about marriage. Even if that is not your intention, they are picking up your cues. Therefore if not for your own sake, then for their sake, get wisdom. Proverbs 19:8 tell us: The one who gets wisdom loves life; the one who cherishes understanding will soon prosper. Think about what you are doing and what you are telling your children as you live your life before them. 

In the very first book of the Bible, Genesis, we are told how God created the earth and men and women. Even if you do not believe in God, from my experience, this is wisdom. You don’t have to believe in God for this to strengthen your marriage. 

God saw all that He had made, and it was very good. The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.  

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, [God] took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man. 

The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 1:31a, 2:15, 18, 21-24) 

This is from the first two chapters of the Bible. It’s the origin story. Immediately after the creation of the universe, and all life, God creates marriage. 

It is noteworthy that right after He created people, God orders relationships, and the most important relationship is marriage. Before the birth of any children, any parent-child relationship, any brother-sister relationship, there is marriage and the scriptures give us several vital details. 

God first points out that although the world He created is very good, it was NOT good for the man to be alone. From what I have seen, it is still not good for men to be alone. A Harvard Medical study from June 2019 agrees. Here is a quote: 

“A major survey of 127,545 American adults found that married men are healthier than men who were never married or whose marriages ended in divorce or widowhood. ... If marriage protects health, the heart would be a likely beneficiary. Japanese scientists reported that never-married men were three times more likely to die from cardiovascular disease than married men.” 

From the Genesis account, it is clear that the woman was created for a specific purpose, for the man’s good. We are his helper suitable for him. The Hebrew word expresses the idea of an indispensable companion, a partner or ally, who is right for, suitable for, or corresponds with him. The woman was designed to supply what the man was lacking in God’s design of creation and it is implied that the man would supply what she was lacking. 

The marriage resulted in the man and the woman becoming one flesh. 

• What does it mean to become “one flesh”? 
• And how can we fulfill the role we are created for, to be the helper and partner for the “good” of our husband? 

The phrase one flesh refers to more than just a sexual union. It describes the inseparable relationship between the man and the woman in marriage as God intended it. The Hebrew word refers to more than just a sexual union. The man and woman bring into being a new family unit which supersedes the parent-child relationship and all others. It is the primary relationship. They are on the same team. But even more than that, what hurts one hurts the other: physically, emotionally, financially. 

We think of “getting our way” or “letting him have his way” but it is more complex than that. Hurting him, impacts us in ways that is sometimes hard to see immediately or to predict. 

• When he is sick, we have to care for him. We can’t depend on his help because he is unable to assist us. 
• When he is sad, he can become angry or withdrawn, making everyone in the household miserable. 
• When money is spent unwisely, the whole family is impacted because finances become tight. 

Caring for his needs benefits us and the whole family. Making him feel respected, comfortable, and loved benefits us as well as him. This is the secret of a strong marriage. The wise wife knows her welfare is tied to his. 

When getting our way leaves him depleted emotionally, physically and financially, we are not winning because he has lost because we are one flesh. When he loses, we lose too. 

So how can we bring him good? Here’s a few ideas. 

We must remember, he is our primary relationship and he will be there when our children begin their own lives and leave the home. It is tempting to put him last on our list of priorities because we have young children who need our constant care. As soon as he walks in the door we want to hand him the baby and give him our list of needs, or worse, complaints. Caring for him is more than just the laundry, the cooking, or the house cleaning. It is using our unique nurturing characteristics and talents to apply them on his behalf. We should share our needs, but let’s also ask him about his. 

Let’s carve out periodic priority time to talk and to do fun things together. Also let’s also make our bodies available to him, by being affectionate, and saying yes to sex, even if we may not feel “in the mood”. We can help by telling him what we like and what would help us “get in the mood”. We can care for our bodies, not only for our own sake, but also for him. 

Let’s be good stewards of the family money by not spending more than what is available and by making frugal choices. With Amazon on our phones, it is so tempting to shop all day long. Let’s stop and ask the question: Do we really need this? Especially for moms who stay home and do not bring any income into the home, we need to understand and be compassionate about the burden he is under as the only breadwinner. 

Let’s be respectful when we disagree, not yelling, belittling him, or treating him like a child. I know this is hard when we are around children all day. It is especially important to be respectful when we are both in front of other people. Let’s not undermine him in front of our kids. Let’s listen to him, ask questions patiently, and not assume his motives before he tells us. 

Let’s remember we are on the same team. He is never the enemy. He is our one flesh. 

As we love and care for our husbands, we are loving our ourselves, because we are one flesh. When we hurt him, force him, belittle him, ignore him, or act like we can’t trust him, it hurts him and then also us and our family. 

What about my needs, you may ask. Our husbands will be more open to meet our needs when we are being good to them. It is easier for them to be open to a request than a demand. When we make requests in a gentle, respectful manner during a time that is good for both of us, he will be more open to saying yes. This is what the bedroom is for, dear ones! When the day is done and all is quiet and cozy under the covers, that may be the better time to help him understand our needs and be receptive to our views on the issues of the day.  

But we also have to understand, sometimes his answer will be no and we must respect that. We must manage our expectations. Sometime what we want or need is beyond what he is able or willing to do. Like we want our children to respect our no, we need to respect other people’s no, including our husband’s. Especially our husband’s. 

Our goal is not to fix him. Our goal is to love him and bring him good. Because we are one flesh and what is good for him will be good for our family. 

For me, one of the best things about being a Christ-follower is the knowledge that my God is able to meet all my needs. I trust my husband but he is a flawed human, just like I am. Ultimately, I trust God can fill any gap. I can let my husband be who he is, and love him, trusting God will be the one who completes me. 

Father God, this is easier to write than to live out. Help me actively bring my husband good, always state my needs in a gentle respectful manner and ultimately trust You to provide. 

How to Change the Anxious Generation to Awesome

This was a message given by Amy O'Hara at the MomCo January Meeting.
It was so good, I asked her to allow me to post it here.
Read, learn, and may your family be blessed.

Check out all the sources she sites on the bottom of this post. 

 

I’ve been of member of the MomCo steering team for the past ten years and every single summer at our planning retreat I suggest we bring in an expert to talk about screen time for our kids. As a mother of four children ages 9, 12, 16, and 18, it is one of the biggest struggles I face in parenting. I am always seeking guidance. I read books, listen to podcasts, ask other moms and there are a million different approaches to technology use in the home. Some of the advice has helped, some has not. 

As my kids get older, it is getting increasingly difficult to manage and I can see the negative impact that screens are having on them. I desperately want each of you with younger kids to avoid the same pitfalls and mistakes I have made. 

Last summer at our retreat I was talking about the latest book I read on this issue called The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt and all the ladies suggested that I speak about it. I did NOT want to do it. I am not an expert by any stretch of the imagination. I’m a mother who has made a ton of mistakes in this area. I’m more of an example of what not to do. But they insisted that it is because of my real-life experiences – both the good and the bad – that I can talk not as an expert, but as a mom who has been there and is on a journey. So, here I am – against my will – but hoping to be an encouragement to you all. Let’s get started. 

I’m a little older than most of you, so some of you will not be able to relate to this, but I grew up in the 80s and 90s in what Jonathan Haidt refers to as a PLAY-BASED CHILDHOOD. We had one TV in the house and the only time anything good was on would be Saturday morning cartoons and a few family-friendly sit-coms in the evenings. We had to go to the video store in town to rent a movie and when the movie ended, we had to rewind it, put the VHS tape back in its box and return it to the store. We got our first Nintendo when I was in middle school which held limited appeal to me. It was only fun if a friend was over to play with me. 

What really appealed to me was being outside with my friends. We would ride our bikes to each other’s houses and ask if our friends could come out to play. We would play in the neighborhood, making up games and adventures within the two-block radius my parent’s had laid out for me and as I grew older, my radius expanded. I was with my friends, face-to-face as often as possible and on the phone with them when not possible. We were outside, active, and largely unsupervised. We worked out conflict with each other on our own and took ever increasing age-appropriate risks. We were growing and learning through social interaction without any idea it was happening or that it was good for us. 

But then something happened that mostly affected Gen Z. Parents got scared. They grew suspicious of other adults, became less connected to their neighbors, and started to overprotect their children out of fear of abduction. Instead of the freedom, I experienced, play was then supervised at all times. This resulted in many unintended consequences. 

Suddenly, relying on a parent’s schedule meant there were naturally fewer opportunities for face-to-face play, a lot of play moved indoors, kids became more sedentary, conflict was refereed by parents, and risks were minimized - and thus, the PLAYDATE was born. These changes inhibited opportunities for growth and learning through social interactions in the same ways as before. 

While these changes were happening in the REAL-WORLD, an ONLINE WORLD was emerging. By 2010, with the introduction of the smart phone and social media, many parents felt like the virtual world would be a “safer” place for their kids to play. No more fear of abduction or physical harm, they could interact with friends virtually from anywhere. Parents had no idea that the online world would actually end up being way more dangerous than the real world. This was the beginning of the PHONE BASED CHILDHOOD. The shift was dramatic in nature. 

Children engaged in much less REAL WORLD PLAY which was embodied, meaning it involved 

• body language, eye contact and facial expressions; 
• synchronous – happening side-by-side at the same time; 
• in small groups or just one-on-one; and 
• with a high bar for entry and exit so people were motivated to invest in relationships and repair rifts when they happened. 

They replaced real world play with VIRTUAL WORLD PLAY which in contrast is disembodied, meaning 

• no body is needed, just language; 
• asynchronous – happening at a distance and at different times; 
• in communication with a potentially vast audience; and 
• in a community with a low bar for entry and exit – meaning you can block people or quit when you are not pleased. 

The amount of time spent in the virtual world today is astounding. According to studies, NOT INCLUDING SCHOOLWORK, 

• 5-8 year olds are using more than 3 hours of screen-based entertainment per day, 
• 8-12 year olds are using 6 hours, and 
• 13-18 year olds are using 9 hours. 

This is the majority of a child’s waking life! 

What resulted from this dramatic shift from a play-based to a phone-based childhood is shocking. Rates of anxiety, depression, self-harming, and suicide increased dramatically after 2010. 

• In college students, anxiety is up 134%. 
• Depression among US teens increased by roughly 150%. 
• Emergency room visits for self-harm among adolescents are up 48% for boys and 188% for girls. 
• And most alarming, suicide rates for adolescents increased 91% for boys and 167% for girls. 

Haidt’s central claim in his book is “that two trends – over-protection in the real world and under-protection in the virtual world – are the major reasons why children born after 1995 became [what he calls] the anxious generation.” 

He says that these trends created four foundational harms. 

1. The first foundational harm is social deprivation. Phones may promise connection but, in reality, they isolate us. Face-to-face social interactions are critically important for children and adolescents as they are developing. Molly DeFrank, author of the book, Digital Detox, says, “The impact of their screen time is going far beyond screen time. It’s changing the way kids think, interact with peers, respond to teachers. It’s changing their ability to connect with other humans.” 
2. The second foundational harm is sleep deprivation. I don’t have to tell a room full of young mothers how important sleep is. But do you know how much phones and screens are affecting not only the quality but the quantity of our sleep? DeFrank says, “Toddlers, kids and teens who use tablets, video games, and social media during the day take longer to fall asleep and have more disruptive sleep. Poor sleep quality then creates a terrible cycle: tired kids are moody kids. They can’t focus, they are more stressed, and in turn, they can’t sleep. And then they crave even more stimulation.” 
3. The third foundational harm is attention fragmentation. Haidt sites a study that says the average teen gets 192 alerts on their phone each day which translates to about 11 notifications per waking hour, or one every five minutes. How can a person focus with constant interruption? Teens are losing their ability to hold their attention on anything, and it is interfering with the development of their executive functioning. 
4. The fourth foundational harm is addiction. Apps are designed to hook us and keep us engaged for longer and longer periods of time. While not all of us will form an addiction to these apps, they will certainly become habit-forming. 

For those who do become addicted, it only magnifies the first three harms. There is clearly a huge problem here. Maybe you’ve seen it in your own home. How do your kids react when you take away their iPad or turn off the TV? Do they act like an addict in withdrawal? 

Anna Lembke says in her book, Dopamine Nation, “the universal symptoms of withdrawal from any addictive substance are anxiety, irritability, insomnia, and dysphoria.” Dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria; think of it as general dissatisfaction or discomfort. My 12-year old told me that after he watches YouTube videos he feels “weird or just kind of uncomfortable.” This is dysphoria. I’ve also seen him act out in temper tantrums, anger and desperation when forced to get off screens. 

Maybe you’ve even seen it in yourself. How do you react when you lose your phone or when a child interrupts you while you’re trying to get something done on your phone? Even if what you’re “getting done” is nothing more than checking notifications or watching a video your friend sent you. I hate to admit that I panic over the loss of my phone and I’m irritable and short with my kids when they interrupt me while I’m on it. I also feel that sense of dysphoria after scrolling Instagram. And then I want to pick it up and scroll some more just to avoid that feeling! 

Molly DeFrank says, “We look around and see that everyone else seems to be parenting the same way. Everyone can’t be getting this wrong. If all kids are playing the games, if they’re all on social media, then the status quo must be fine, right? And yet: 

• 78% of parents say that raising kids today is more complicated than when they grew up. 
• 85% of parents are worried about the amount of time their kids are spending in front of a screen. 

If technology is supposed to be so helpful, why is it stressing out parents and bringing out the worst in our kids?” 

Charlie Kirk also addressed this conundrum in his book, Stop in the Name of God. He says, “people know their dependence on technology is harmful and yet they can’t seem to stop. [They know] they are addicted, openly admit it, and still take no meaningful steps toward change. A 2023 Pew Research Center study revealed that over 70 percent of American adults believe they spend too much time on their phones, yet only 31 percent have made any attempt to cut back. This dissonance is not due to ignorance, but entrapment." 

We see no way out. We justify our kids’ screen time and our own by saying it offers us a break, distraction, entertainment, productivity and connection. But the truth is we are drawn to the dopamine. We want the pleasure it gives us not recognizing the pain that follows. 

Dopamine Nation is a fascinating read. Lembke explains how pleasure and pain are co-located in our brains. Our body wants to remain in equilibrium so when we spend too much time in pleasure mode – playing games, scrolling social media, or binge watching TV - our bodies press harder on the pain lever making it harder and harder to experience pleasure causing us to spend more and more time trying to reach the same levels of pleasure the activity once gave us. It’s a vicious cycle that pulls us away from living in the present, connecting with people face-to-face and finding true fulfillment. 

Lembke says “We’ve transformed the world into a pleasure factory, and the result is a paradoxical epidemic of unhappiness.” 

This cannot go on! Our devices are making us and our children sick. As the next generation of parents to young children, we must stop this insanity from continuing! 

With so much of life happening online, what can we do? According to Haidt and many others in his field, there ARE things we can do. 

• First, we can provide more (and better) experience in the real world.
  
• Second, we can provide less (and better) experience in the virtual world. 
• Third, we can collectively delay giving our children phones and other devices, and 
• Fourth, and most importantly, we can model best practices for our children. 

* * * * * * * * *  

Providing more (and better) experiences in the real world will look different at different ages. 

In very young children, Haidt says, “the best thing you can do is give them plenty of playtime, with some age diversity, and [be] a secure loving base from which they set off to play.” MomCo playdates are perfect opportunities to provide real world play for your little ones with mixed ages of children. Make an effort to go to these and meet up with other moms and their kids in between the playdates and meetings. 

As they enter elementary school Haidt suggests following the advice of Lenore Skenazy, with whom he co-founded Let Grow which is “a nonprofit whose [stated] mission is to give kids back the developmentally crucial ‘vitamin’ our culture accidentally removed from childhood: [known as] independence.” Some ideas from LetGrow.org include 

• walking to school in a group, 
• camping, 
• sending kids to technology-free sleep-away camp, and 
• giving kids free play after school instead of adult-supervised enrichment activities. 

Another activity they strongly recommend is to let our kids out of our sight without them having a way to reach us. I know this sounds scary but I’m not suggesting you send your Kindergartner into town on their own. You start small with an activity they are already comfortable doing with you. 

For example, if you walk your dog regularly in your neighborhood with your child, allow them to walk the dog alone or with a sibling. I remember a few years ago, the first time I suggested that Tommy and Violet walk our dog, Lucy, without me. They were nervous and excited. We discussed the path they would take and what they would do in a few different scenarios that could arise. They set off with Lucy for less than ten minutes alone in our neighborhood and came home like heroes returning from a grand adventure. It gave them purpose and a feeling of confidence. 

As kids enter high school, they need to feel useful and connected to community. 

• Look for adult mentors outside of your family through your church and your town,
  
• Increase their mobility, 
• Rely more on your teen at home, 
• Encourage them to find a part-time job, and 
• Look for bigger thrills in nature. 

* * * * * * * * *  

All of these real-world experiences are good for our kids and will help fill the void created as we give them less (and better) experiences in the virtual world. 

While the main focus should be on maximizing face-to-face activities, it helps to have routines and structures in place for your day and that should include what kind and how much screen time you will allow. Not all technology is bad. To determine what kind of screen time to allow, ask yourself two questions. 

• One – is there a long-term benefit? 
• Two – does this encourage isolated consumption of media? 

Here are a few examples of technology that you MAY find beneficial: 

• Video calls, 
• Putting library books on hold, 
• Family movie or trivia night, 
• Craft or cooking instructions and 
• Videos that teach kids how to play an instrument. 

I have been amazed at how much better my kids can play the piano from watching a few instructional videos online than I ever could after years of lessons as a child. 

To determine how much screen time to allow, we can look to the recommendations from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Outside of FaceTime and other video chatting platforms, 

• Screen time should not be a part of daily life in the first 18 months. 
• Between 18-24 months they say you can add in some educational programming with a caregiver.
  
• From 2-5 years limit non-educational screen time to about one hour per day.
  
• Children over 6 should be limited to no more than two hours per day. 

We also need to get familiar with parental controls and be good observers of our children. Is their screen time interfering with other areas of life? If you see any problematic or addictive behaviors, they may benefit from a Digital Detox. This is where Molly DeFrank’s book Digital Detox comes in. 

After getting on the same page with your spouse, hold a family meeting to prepare everyone for the change. She suggests unplugging cold turkey for a period of two weeks, during which you “become a student of your child” to observe your kids’ interests, talents and opportunities for growth. She encourages families to create a list of fun screen free activities with a heavy emphasis on reading – both aloud and individually. Games are another great idea. 

In her book, she does not shy away from how difficult a digital detox can be. She says that the first few days are the hardest, but once you get past the initial withdrawal period, your kids will begin to flourish. You will discover new interests, talents and abilities that were dormant while screens were the focus. 

At the end of the two weeks, she recommends asking your kids to name three things they enjoyed about the detox, to name something they did during the detox that they wouldn’t have otherwise done, and what they think the hardest part of the detox was. This will help you create a long-term plan following the detox. 

Whether you are doing a detox or just trying to cut back on the amount of time spent on screens in your home, Lembke’s advice on what she calls self-binding techniques can be helpful. Think of these as self-limiting practices used to help us decrease our exposure and thus desire for the dopamine, in our case coming from screens. 

One type of self-binding is geographic. This would be physically removing the temptation from sight. Lock devices away, put them in a basket during meals, or get them out of the home completely. We determined that one of our teenagers had very problematic behavior when playing on his PC. When telling him not to get on, cutting the internet connection to the PC, unplugging it and putting it in a closet all failed to get him to stop using the PC, I loaded it into our nanny’s car and asked her to take it home with her. It has been over a year, and we have not asked for it back. 

Another type of self-binding is chronological. This means we limit the use at certain times or until certain ages. Limiting our use at certain times can be done with the help of an app that shuts off certain apps at certain times of day. I am using the Freedom app to shut down all my social media and games from 9pm to 7am every day. This has been eye-opening for me. I didn’t recognize how dependent I was at this time of night on my phone. It’s when I’m tired after a long day of serving my family and I just want to veg out on my phone. Without access to social media or games, my phone became SO boring. I would pick it up, realize it held no appeal. Turn it off and not one minute later I would pick it up again. This helped me see the problem more clearly - which was a great starting point. 

Then I started thinking about my technology use throughout the rest of my day. I was constantly listening to podcasts while doing household chores or scrolling Instagram when I got a chance to sit down. I would go from one podcast right into the next, or scroll one post after another, never even stopping to process any of it. I was just constantly taking in information and keeping myself entertained. I have almost entirely stopped listening to podcasts and seriously cut back on social media. I now drive with my music, do laundry in silence, read actual books, and find more opportunities to engage, undistracted, with my family. The simple act of freeing up my mind has been transformative. I had no idea how this level of consumption was affecting my mental health. I didn’t recognize it until I was free of it. A weight has been lifted, and I feel so much better - clearer headed, less anxious and more connected with my kids.

* * * * * * * * *  

Chronological self-binding also refers to delaying technology privileges until later in life. Ideally, Haidt recommends not giving kids a smart phone until high school and social media until 16. This is much easier when you are not doing it alone. When my oldest child entered middle school, he came home and told me that ALL his friends had phones. Kids are famous for exaggeration, but in this case, he wasn’t far off. Almost every kid in his grade did have a smartphone and while I didn’t want to give him one, I also didn’t want him to be left out. I caved and I absolutely regret this decision. At first, I was so strict with its use, but over time, especially during COVID, our restrictions eased and now at 18 he is on it all the time. We are constantly battling over the phone. 

Take it from me, once you give your kids a phone, all your conversations will become about the phone. 

To make holding out easier, you need to come together as a community of moms and collectively agree to delay giving your children smartphones. I recommend a website called Wait Until 8th. You sign a pledge promising not to give your child a smartphone until at least the end of 8th grade. Once 10 families from your child’s school sign the pledge it becomes active, and you will be connected with the other families who are also waiting. This helps build a community for you and your kids. There is strength in numbers. 

* * * * * * * * *  

Finally, we must model best practices for our kids. It isn’t just important that they see the other kids at school off phones. It is important that they see us off phones. When we look at our phones instead of our children, the message we send is that they are not as important to us as what is on our phone. 

Being on our phones deprives us and those around us of quality social engagement. I understand the temptation. We are giving everything to our families. We are exhausted and just crave a little escape, stimulation, or what we like to call self-care. 

But it’s a lie. 

This kind of activity is not true self-care at all. Spending hours on our phones or binge-watching TV leaves us feeling anxious, drained and dysphoric, not refreshed. I heard someone explain that self-care isn’t an afternoon at a spa, it’s going to bed early enough to get 8 hours of sleep, it’s eating a salad for lunch, it’s going for a walk after dinner, it’s spending time in connection with others. The spa, though I’d never turn it down, is just a band-aid not a solution. No amount of spa time can overcompensate for lack of sleep, an unhealthy diet, a sedentary lifestyle, or the anxiety caused by excessive screen time. 

Taking care of yourself is important. We all want to be the best version of ourselves. The really cool thing about how the pleasure and pain principle of dopamine works, is that just as too much pleasure causes pain, pain can also cause pleasure. 

So instead of reaching for the phone for a quick hit of pleasure that will leave you feeling anxious – try something that might hurt temporarily that will leave you feeling good in the end. This could be 

• Exercise (think “runner’s high”), 
• Fasting, 
• Getting out of your comfort zone and inviting a friend to your home, 
• Giving that last push of energy to your family at the end of the long day instead of zoning out, or 
• Even something as extreme as an ice bath if you can tolerate it! 

All these things push on our pain levers, so our bodies react by pushing harder on our pleasure lever. 

Your kids will learn much more from watching you than they will from listening to you. So, it can’t be rules for thee and not for me. We must watch our own use and model healthy behavior. 

As we know, technology is here to stay. You have calendars to manage, groceries to buy, and emails to check. School assignments are increasingly online. One day your kids will be in high school and will be asking for a smartphone. You will need to figure out how to make technology work FOR you instead of becoming a slave TO it. Create a long-term plan for your family that includes:

• How you will use screens to your advantage, 
• How much time you will spend on them, 
• What activities you will do on them, 
• How you will receive notifications, and 
• When to intentionally carve out time to check on your digital life without it interfering with your real life. 

Always weigh the opportunity cost. 

• What is this time on screens pulling us away from? 
• What experiences, activities and connections are we missing out on with our face in a screen? 

I have this haunting memory of driving by a bus stop of at least a dozen high school students. They stood shoulder-to-shoulder waiting for the bus, each with their heads down looking at their phones. No one was speaking. What a missed opportunity to talk, laugh and connect with other kids. 

There is no doubt that screens are having a devastating impact on our children and on us. But we don’t have to throw our hands up and just go along with the crowd. We can do better especially if we do it together. 

• Create real world opportunities of free play, freedom, and adventure for your children. 
• Use these to draw them away from screens and limit the time they spend in the virtual world. 
• Join together with other like-minded parents and create a community of kids without smartphones until they reach high school. 

I highly recommend Jonathan Haidt’s latest book, which he co-authored with Catherine Price. Instead of calling it The Anxious Generation, they call it The Amazing Generation, and it’s written for kids to promote life as a “rebel.” Their Rebel’s Code is, “Use technology as a tool – Don’t let technology use you. Fill your life with real friendship, freedom, and fun.” It’s a combination of regular book and graphic novel and my 9-year old daughter says every child must read it! 

Finally, we must put our own phones down, stop multitasking time with your kids and time on a screen (you’re not as good at it as you think you are), turn off the TV, and model the lifestyle you want for your kids in the real world. 

* * * * * * * * * 

Sources: 

The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt 

Digital Detox by Molly DeFrank 

Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke

Stop in the Name of God by Charlie Kirk

The Amazing Generation by  Jonathan Haidt and Catherine Price

Let Grow Website

Freedom App Website

WaitUntil8th Website

I judge people

My Mentor Moment given at the October 22, 2025 MomCo Meeting 

 

Hello, my name is Barbara, and I judge people. 

Before I became a mom, I was a normal, run-of-the-mill judger of people. I judged others based on what I saw immediately: their clothing, their size, their hair style. I judged them if they were younger than I, older than I, richer than I, poorer than I. I judged all of them. I mean, I assumed things about them before they ever spoke to me. I assumed their thoughts, motives and actions by their outward appearance. I judged if they were right or wrong; if they were wise or foolish. 

Then I got pregnant with my first child. 

At the time, I was a IT manager at IBM. When I started my career at IBM in 1977, the expectation was new-hires would stay until retirement and get a full pension with health care coverage. I excelled and was promoted there. I made life-long friends there. Leaving IBM seemed unthinkable. Plus I wondered how women could spend four or more years in college to land a fabulous job, only to abandon it when they had children. I loved my job, felt empowered by it, and fully intended to return to it after I gave birth. Of course, I’d take the first year off, then my husband offered to take the second year off. At least that was how I thought it would turn out. 

Then I gave birth. 

I didn’t understand how bonded I would become with my baby until I experienced it. Yes, I was lonely. Yes, I missed the mental stimulation and validation my career gave me. But I didn’t want to return either because that meant I would have to leave my baby. I did visit day care centers but that only made me feel worse. I probably did not visit a good one, and this was 37 years ago, but all I remember was a line of portable cribs, wailing infants, and harried child care workers. As I left, I hugged my baby tight promising her, “I’ll never leave you in a place like that!” 

Suddenly I found myself judging other moms who didn’t stay at home to care for their babies. What was the matter with them? 

My judging others did not stop there. I judged moms who did not punish their kids enough, or too much, or not in the way I was doing it. I judged what moms allowed their children to watch on TV, or the amount of TV they permitted. I judged moms who would allow their children to go trick or treating on Halloween in spooky costumes. I judged moms who pretended Santa was real to their young children. Shouldn’t Christmas be about Jesus? I even judged moms who used disposable diapers after I switched to cloth diapers with my second child. 

I hope you realize this is a confession of my guilt. I didn’t understand why every mom did not feel exactly like I did. 

The root of my problem was I neglected to factor in the special circumstances that led to my decision to resign from IBM to stay home with my daughter. During my maternity leave, my IBM department relocated to another state. This was not an option for my family. Plus IBM was downsizing for the first time and offered me an excellent by-out option that included a full year of salary and two years of medical benefits. Since I was employed for over ten years, my pension was vested and I knew I would receive a small pension at retirement. 

But the most significant reason was not financial. It was spiritual. When my daughter was six months old, I committed to following and serving Jesus in a way that was unique to anything I experienced before. Previously I believed Jesus was the son of God, that He was born of the virgin Mary, that He was crucified, died, buried and rose again on the third day. But that belief had made no practical difference in my life. Quite suddenly, after I made that commitment to Him, all my priorities changed. Suddenly it was very important to raise my children myself so I could instill in them a faith in Jesus. I was no longer willing to entrust that influence to others. 

My decision did have huge financial and career consequences. Immediately, our family income was cut in half. It impacted what I could buy for my children and myself. It severely limited our entertainment and vacation options. I was good with making those sacrifices. 

The PS is later, at age 50+ when I reentered the workplace to find full-time employment, I could not find a job at even half of my old salary. Since my work experience was in IT, a job sector that changed rapidly, my old career no longer existed. I still think staying home was the best choice for me and my family and I do not regret any loss. But these factors were unique to me and my family. No other mom had this exact situation. 

None of these crucial details could be seen as I strolled my baby in the park at 11 am in my t-shirt and sweat pants. If you saw me then, you could tell I was a stay-at-home mom by looking at me. But you would not know why. You would have had to ask me. 

Here’s my point. 

We all judge people. It is immediate, unbidden, normal, and even helpful in certain situations. I know that even this morning, you were aware that you would be judged today. I know because, look at you. You look fabulous. You took care in your appearance, and in your children’s, before you left your house. That’s why we shower, brush our teeth, comb our hair, apply makeup, and try on five different outfits to find the one that doesn’t make our butt look fat. We understand that we never get a second chance to make a first impression. 

And I know that I am being judged by you as well. That’s why I wrote down every word I am going to speak to you today and had Sandy proof read it. I know you are judging me, even before I opened my mouth this morning. Before I started to speak, you can see I am not like you. I am an old church lady that probably shops for her clothing at Wal-Mart, more like your mom than your friends. Everything I say will be colored by that. 

What I want to suggest is not that we stop judging others. We can’t help that. 

But we can have a second thought. 

• We can let the first judgment pass over us and NOT allow it to be the definitive judgment that colors all our future thoughts and interactions. We can be open to being wrong about our first impressions. 
• We can start from the belief that other people have a reasonable reason for making their choices and try to understand those reasons, even if they do not apply to our situation. Even when we disagree. 
• We can try to find out the WHY behind other people’s actions by asking them questions. 
• And then, we can listen to them with an open heart and mind. Especially when it comes to other moms. 

Here’s a recent example. There were two friend of mine who attended two different women’s Bible study groups I lead. It was an election year, and both thought they were being judged in the group meetings, or would be, if they spoke up with what they personally believed. Both decided to stop attending the group. 

One friend ghosted me. 

The other friend was open to having an honest conversation. In the end, there was significant disagreement, but at least there was understanding. We could respect each other’s opinions and disagree in a agreeable manner, and stay friends. 

The point is they felt I was judging them, but they were judging me for judging them. Get it? The truth was we were all working with our assumptions about other’s positions and motives until we talked openly and actually heard each other and worked towards true understanding. 

It works the other way too. Just because other moms do things differently, does not mean our ways are wrong. Part of why I judged other moms was my own insecurities. If other moms didn’t do things the way I did them, I was worried I was doing it wrong and was afraid I was messing up my daughters. The moms that agreed with me, validated me. The ones that didn’t, called into question my decisions. 

We are all different. We are in different situations, have different financial means, had different backgrounds. Our children have different dispositions, different needs, and different personalities. Even in our own households, we must remember each child is unique. The household your first child grew up in is not the same as your second child. Just the fact there are more people in the family is huge. 

Let’s remember: 

• We don’t have to be like other moms to be ok. As we choose to have that second thought and to ask questions, listen carefully, giving others grace, it will be easier to give grace TO ourselves. 
• We don’t have to judge our former selves either. It is good that we learn from each other and grow over time. We did the best we could with the knowledge and experience we had at the time. Our intentions were good, even if our actions were not perfect. 
• We can use our mistakes to model repentance as we admit our failures to our children and apologize. 

Moms, God gave us these children knowing we were imperfect. He’s not surprised. He has us covered! Let’s raise them with the confidence that we can do our imperfect best and that He will take it from there. Let’s be open to listen and learn from each other. We may even find out that we were wrong, and that is a good thing! 

Let’s give each other grace and not judgment. This will encourage us to be honest with each other and develop true friendships. 

Two of my favorite moms.

 As I was dressing this morning, I remembered it was three years ago, after the October MOPS meeting, that I went to visit my mom. She told me she was not feeling well and she was yellow, her eyes, her face. We went to the emergency room that evening and discovered she had pancreatic cancer. 

I used to judge my own mom as well. I judged her when she hurt my feelings, when she disappointed me, when she acted selfishly. In God’s great mercy, He helped me see I needed to forgive her, to stop judging her and instead enjoy her many good qualities. Those next three months, as we cared for her and watched her die, I was so grateful I had been able to forgive her and be able to enjoy her in the time we had left together. 

Maybe you have someone in your life who you need to stop judging and forgive so you can enjoy their good qualities. Because the time is always shorter than we think. 

But that’s hard. So let’s pray. 

Beloved Jesus, I confess to You that I continue to judge others! Remind me always to have that second thought, to ask why, to listen carefully and to have grace. Remind us that it is always better to forgive than it is to criticize. Give us the power of Your Holy Spirit to enjoy each other instead of judging each other. 

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)

How to Listen So That People Will Talk

This talk was given at the April 2025 MomCo Meeting. 

Recently I picked up a book entitled How to Talk so People Will Listen. I love to talk, and write, so it seemed interesting to me. 

When I was younger I loved reading the newspaper column by Dear Abby. People would write in a question, maybe a sentence or two, and Abby would write back and solve their problem in a brief paragraph. Don’t you wish life was like that? Submit your question and have someone give you a simple solution? Just do these five easy steps, or take a magic pill? Sign me up. 

Of course, that doesn’t work.

I was struck again by this uncomfortable fact as I read some of the questions you moms submitted to us mentor moms during this year. When we spoke to you at the February meeting we started with the disclaimer that many of these harder issues are best resolved by a counselor, coach or mentor that could talk with you one on one. However, I wanted to share with you more about it today. 

Instead of how to talk so people will listen, I want to encourage you to learn to listen so that people will talk. 

Because listening is important. 

As I read each question you submitted, I wanted to ask more questions. I needed to know more about your specific situation. How could I help you when I didn’t accurately understand the problem, know about the history behind it, and fully grasp how you are feeling? 

As my daughters passed from teens to adulthood, at first I continued what I did when they were younger. After they briefly told me their problem, I would give them my solution. I discovered this doesn’t work with adults. 

 Somehow I had believed the lie that if I said it loud enough, if I repeat it often enough, if I am logical, clever and manipulative enough, I can bully others to do what I say. Sometimes that works on five-year-olds, but most often, not even then. 

For one thing, life is complicated. Second, we need to earn the right to be heard. 

We need to listen in order to help people talk and tell us more. This is how we love them, how they learn to trust us, and how we earn their respect. It is how we know them well enough to be able to pour into their lives. 

The Bible authors also encourage this. 

 In the new testament, James 1:19 tells us: My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry 

The Old Testament Proverbs 18:13 also urges us to listen: To answer before listening— that is folly and shame. 

I have found listening is hard. 

• It is devastating when my mom rants on about the health crisis she is experiencing. 

• It is crushing when my daughter explains of how I hurt her as a teen. 

• It is annoying when my husband goes on and on in detail about how he repaired our car when I don’t understand and frankly don’t want to know, honey just fix it, thank you. Honestly I need to work on listening to my husband because my old habit is to tune him out. I hear "wat wat wat." It is bad. Entrenched habits are the worst. 

I had this revelation with my adult daughter: Just listening to her helped. 

• I didn’t have to solve her problem. 

• I didn’t have to straighten her out. 

• I didn’t have to make excuses for my bad behavior. 

• I just had to listen and it was healing for her. It was MORE healing than if I offered any solutions or excuses. 

• It allowed me to understand her better. It encouraged her to talk to me more. And the more I understood and earned her respect by listening, the advice I did give her was more helpful and she was more apt to listen to it. 

Because this is not natural for me to listen well, I have been practicing. Maybe you need to practice too. Here’s my ideas on HOW to do it: 

• Pay attention. That seems obvious but it is so easy to drift off to think about something on my to-do list, consider how to reply, or focus on how I feel about what they are saying. Instead I need concentrate on their words. I must practice being patient and not rush them along, assuming I know what they are going to say before they say it. I need to let them speak until they are done. Think of it as a test. If I was going to re-state what they just told me, would I be able to do it? 

• Tell them what I heard. Sometimes I misunderstand. I need to ask for their help in clarifying meaning. In marriage classes we learned a helpful trick of using a napkin. We would take a napkin and one of us would hold it. They would be the speaker. The other person is the listener. The person who held the napkin would speak until he said all he needed to say without any interruption. Then the other person, the listener, would repeat what they heard. The speaker would then make any needed clarifications. Then we would switch and the other person would hold the napkin and be the speaker. We use a tangible object to remind us who is speaking and who is listening. In the end, even if we did not agree, at least we felt heard and understood and that by itself is helpful. 

• Ask questions. We can ask: Why do you think that? How do you feel about what happened? We need to find out why a normal, good, rational person would say or do what they did. Allow them time to explain, set the stage, give all the information. Ask for more details. The most important question we can ask them is WHY to get to the root issue that often does not immediately emerge in conversations. This can help them understand their own motives and underlying feelings. 
  

• Suspend judgment. My judgment meter is always working evaluating what their motives are, wondering how they feel about me or would I have done what they did. The point is I don’t know their motives or how they feel about me. Since I am not living their life right now, I can’t imagine if I would have chose what they did. I have to ask them.
  

• Believe the best and NOT expect the worst. In every situation, I bring my own feelings, thoughts and assumptions into what I hear and that colors everything I believe. We judge others by past events, but also by how they look, what they wear, how they speak, and the manner in which they present themselves. We must be aware and capture that thought before it affects how we react to others. It is not fair. It’s prejudice and moms, we all do it without realizing it.
  

• Fight against becoming defensive, shutting down or becoming angry. This is difficult, especially when someone is accusing us of wrong doing, whether they are correct or not. It feels like a knife to the heart. Remember that often allowing others to speak it out loud to us can be healing to them. They are thinking it anyway. Aren’t you glad you know now how they feel, even if it hurts? If we are wrong, we can take this as an opportunity to confess and ask forgiveness. This can allow the hurt to dissipate for them. If we’re not wrong and they are missing some facts, we can share this better if we are not doing it in anger. It will be easier for them to hear. 
  

• Be kind, sympathetic and encouraging when they are done talking. Don’t offer advice. I should not unless they ask me what I think. Be hopeful and express confidence they will choose the right path. When I do these things, others will trust me and feel loved. They will be more likely to be kind and cooperative in return. 

Sometimes we do have to speak up. We need others to hear what we need from them. We talked about this last month at the our table, specifically how to get husbands off the couch and help us with the house and the kids. How can we get them to do what we say? 

First of all, I experience this at my house too. I feel your pain. I wonder: Why can’t my husband just do what I ask? I know some of you have husbands that actually do what you ask and for all of the rest of us here today may I say, we hate you. Ha. Just kidding. 

But our husbands are not puppies we can command and expect obedience. They have their own lives, concerns, struggles and sometimes, they don’t share it all with us. We are tempted to judge them and assume their motives. We think we already understand their thoughts. We fail to believe the best. So instead of going off on them, let’s ask them as they lay on the couch: 

Honey, did you have a bad day? Are you worried about something? Maybe you have been distracted and forgot it was your turn to empty the dishwasher. Could you please do that while I feed the baby so I can start dinner when I am done? Thanks so much. 

Sounds easy, right? Not so easy when you have to climb over the toys on the floor, the baby is crying and it’s a half hour past time to start dinner. You are frustrated and want to hit him by now, right? I get it. But when we start off with the frustrated tone, the guilt trip, or rolling our eyes at him, he may do as we say, but we have missed the chance to bless him and feed the relationship we want. 

So take a deep breath and get control of our emotions. Then try the "sandwich" approach. 

1. Be kind, ask about his day, how he feels. Find out why he is on the couch to begin with. 
2. Give him your request as a request, not as an order, believing the best that he loves you and wants to help. 
3. Be hopeful, thankful that he would stop whatever he is doing to help you. EVEN if he is only doing what he is supposed to do. Help him feel like a hero, not a puppy. Because you want to be married to the hero, not the puppy, right? 

Do I do this all the time? Nope. I don’t even have a baby crying and toys all over the floor at my house. It’s still just a goal of mine. Let me encourage you to make it a goal of yours too. 

 

Finally, as I thought about listening this week, I re-read these words Jesus spoke during His final week before His crucifixion. He said, “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let Me.” (Matthew 23:37) 

In that last week, Jesus reflected on everything He had taught and all the miracles He had done, and still His people did not understand who He was. They heard His words, they saw the signs and miracles but they were not listening. 

With Easter coming this month, we see signs of it everywhere. There are Easter Bunnies and stuffed yellow chicks. There are chocolate eggs and peeps and multicolored jelly beans. I know a bloody man with a crown of thorns hanging on a cross is not a family-friendly theme that sells but that is what Easter is about. It’s a holy day. A day to remember we can’t even listen well to the people we love. We are flawed and we can’t get it right all by ourselves. We need a hero, not a bunny, someone to save us. 

Jesus knew that so He came to us. He left the comfort of heaven and willingly took the punishment for our wrongs, to make us in right relationship with God. Then three days later, God proved Jesus was His Son by raising Him from the dead. 

Are we listening to Jesus? What does He say to us? 

In His last letter sent to His church, He said to them: “Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear My voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” (Revelation 3:20) “Anyone with ears to hear must listen to the Spirit and understand what He is saying” (Revelation 3:22) 

Are we listening to Him? Or are we are like the church Jesus was writing to in this letter? He said to them: “You say, ‘I am rich. I have everything I want. I don’t need a thing!’” (Revelation 3:17)

Maybe have felt self sufficient before but having babies exposes a much greater need in us moms. If we hadn’t realized it before, we realize now how limited we are, how much we need help. It is so easy to be frustrated and sharp with our children. We are often overwhelmed by everything we have to do, and how much we don’t know. We can’t be everything our children need and we desperately want to be. I know I wanted to be the perfect mom. But I found as hard as I tried, I could not. 

Jesus doesn’t scold us. He invites us to come to Him, to listen to Him. 

He says, “Come to Me, all of who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give rest. Take My yoke upon . Let Me teach , because I am humble and gentle at heart, and will find rest for r souls. For My yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

Jesus is the most important Person to listen to. But like listening to everyone else in our lives, it’s hard. So let's pray...

Jesus, thank You for knowing we needed a Savior, not a bunny! Thank You for the the great sacrifice You made to make us right with God. We want to be good moms, good wives, daughters, sisters and friends, but it is hard. Help us to be more attentive, patient, kind, respectful, not judging others and expecting the worst, but believing the best. Most of all, help us listen to You!

 

Questions To Think About: 

1. Do you find listening attentively and patiently difficult? Who in your life is the most difficult person to listen to? 



2. Which one of these do you need more practice on?
   • Paying attention, not thinking of a reply or believing you know what they are going to say
   • Fighting against becoming defensive
   • Believing the best and not expecting the worst
   • Being sympathetic and encouraging instead of giving advice
   • When you want your husband to help you, be kind, respectful and thankful when you ask him.



3. When you think of God, do you think of Him more in terms of giving commands or issuing invitations? What do you think of Jesus’ invitations Barbara spoke of here, to let Him into our homes to dine with us, or to come to Him with our burdens? How do you feel about that? How can we listen better to Jesus?

Marriage Hacks

Presented at The MomCo Meeting on March 2024

Good morning moms! Every month Shantell has been providing us with some excellent hacks. Today I am going to provide you with some Marriage hacks. These are favorite tips my husband and I learned from marriage classes we attended and also from the marriage mentoring materials provided to us by our church.

When we were engaged, wise people told me that in order for our marriage to work, we needed to “work” on our relationship. I had no idea what work they were talking about. My fiance was a good man. Our backgrounds were similar. We had been together for over a year so we knew each other well. We were in love. What could go wrong?

Looking in the rear view mirror 43 years later, I realize love does not cure all problems. I now know what they meant and I want to be specific with you today. Nothing is better at this stage of my life than being with the man who I spent my youth with, who knows me, loves me and has stood by me in good times and bad, when we were rich and when we were poor, in sickness and in health. I want the same for all of you. But this takes work.

Hubby and granddaughter Ella

Before I was married, I thought true love meant my husband would understand me and would know what I needed and how to make me feel loved. This is a big lie. In general, men need to be told what we need and how they can love us in the way we need to be loved. They are bad at guessing. Actually we all are. So we need to tell them. Maybe multiple times. It’s ok. It does not mean they love us any less. They just can’t know what is in our heads unless we tell them.

We all marry with our own expectations of how life will be and it is frustrating when our lives together are not what we expected. Today this is exaggerated by social media because others only post the highlight reels of their lives, not the normal messy parts. We look at others and want what they have, or what they SEEM to have on Instagram!

Often we don’t even realize our expectations until we are disappointed. When we mentored engaged couples, one of our goals was to help them share their expectations on different aspects of life before they married. For you moms, it is more complicated now, but it is still helpful to think about what our expectations are and share them with our husbands. Take some time for personal reflection to clarify those unmet expectations. Ask yourself: What do you want? What do you need?

It is vital to tell our husband how to please us, how they can make us feel loved because they WANT to make us happy. They probably just don’t know HOW. We need to help them out. But HOW we tell them can make all the difference!

So here are four hacks to communicate with your husband in a constructive way:

1. Avoid Criticism: Criticizing your husband is different than voicing a complaint. Sharing our concern about a specific issue is good and valuable to the relationship. However what we don’t want to do is attack our husband’s character. That is criticism. Listen to the examples to hear the difference:

• Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never think of me!”

• Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”

Do you hear the difference? Criticism attacks a person’s character. Instead we want to focus on a specific behavior.

A better alternative is to express your concern or complaint without blame, while being gentle and respectful. Avoid saying “you,” which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express what you need in a positive way. A good way to prepare yourself is to ask these questions: What do I feel? What do I need?

Here’s another example:

• Criticism: “You always talk about yourself. Why are you always so selfish?”

• Better Alternative: “I’m feeling left out of our talk tonight and I need to vent too. Can we please talk about my day?”

Notice that the better alternative starts with “I feel,” leads into “I need,” and then respectfully asks to fulfill that need. There’s no blame or criticism so the discussion does not escalate into an argument.

Remember, the relationship is always more important than the issue at hand. Life is complicated and so many issues can seems to have a life of their own. These problems seem to be a huge obstacle between the two of you. Instead put the problem IN FRONT of the two of you, NOT BETWEEN the two of you. Remember, you are on the same team. The problem is the enemy, not our husband. Working together we will have a much better chance to overcome whatever comes our way.

2. Avoid Contempt: When we communicate contempt, we are being truly mean. This is when we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic, or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. When we do this, our goal, whether we want to admit it or not, is to win the argument by making our husband feel despised and worthless.

Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your husband’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them: Here’s an example:

“You’re ‘tired?’ Cry me a river. I’ve been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games. I don’t have time to deal with another kid. Could you be any more pathetic?”

The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship. Start by thinking about things to be grateful about. Consider where you take him for granted. There is always something good if you look for it. Then if you begin a habit to verbalize your gratitude, appreciation, affection, and respect for your husband, you’ll create a positive perspective in your relationship that acts as a buffer when negative feelings arise. The more positive you feel, the less likely that you’ll express contempt. Here’s another example:

• Contempt: “You forgot to load the dishwasher again? Ugh. You are so incredibly lazy.” (Rolls eyes.)

• Better Alternative: “I understand that you’ve been busy lately, but could you please remember to load the dishwasher when I work late? I’d appreciate it.”

Again, put the problem in front of you both, not between you. Your husband is NOT the enemy. The problem is. Solve the problem, attack the problem together, do NOT attack him.

3. Avoid Defensiveness: This is typically a response to criticism. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our husband will back off.

Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses tell our husband that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes. Defensiveness can escalate the conflict instead of resolving the issue at hand. Here’s an example:

• Question: “Did you call Jessica and Rob to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”

• Defensive response: “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?”

This defensive response also reverses the blame in an attempt to make it the other spouse’s fault. A better response is to express acceptance of responsibility and an admission of fault, even if only for part of the conflict. This will demonstrate that we care by listening and understanding our husband’s perspective:

• Better Alternative: “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. That’s my fault. Let me call them right now.”

Here’s another example:

• Defensiveness: “It’s not my fault that we’re going to be late. It’s your fault since you always get dressed at the last second.”

• Better Alternative: “I don’t like being late, but you’re right. We don’t always have to leave so early. I can be a little more flexible.”

By taking responsibility for part of the conflict (trying to leave too early), even while asserting that we don’t like to be late, we prevent the conflict from escalating by admitting our own role in the conflict. From here we can more easily work towards a compromise.

We must be responsive to his needs as well as expecting him to respond well to ours. This encourages good will in our relationships.

4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs when one withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their spouse. Rather than confronting the issues, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.

Unfortunately, stonewalling isn’t easy to stop. It is a usually a result of feeling flooded with emotions to such a degree that we become physically affected and we just can’t discuss things rationally.

If you feel like you’re stonewalling during a conflict, stop the discussion and ask your husband to take a break. Here’s an example:

“Alright, I’m feeling too angry to keep talking about this. Can we please take a break and come back to it in a bit? It’ll be easier to work through this after I’ve calmed down.”

Then take at least 20 minutes to do something alone that soothes you— take a walk, read a book or magazine, just do anything that helps to stop feeling flooded with emotions—and then return to the conversation once you feel ready. It is also good to examine your own heart: what exactly is upsetting you, what your expectations are, what you need, where might you be responsible for part of the problem, etc. It’s crucial that during this time you avoid thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take this anymore”) and innocent victimhood (“Why is he always picking on me?”).

After you are calm enough to listen to him and respond with gentleness and respect, make sure to return to the issue and work towards resolving it.

But what do you do if your husband is the one doing these things? The hard answer is: YOU GO FIRST. This is where the hard “work” comes in. Gently and respectfully explain how his method of problem solving is hurtful to you, damaging your relationship and not solving the problem. We can’t avoid complaints. But we can complain in ways that are more loving and therefore more effective. Our goal is a good long-lasting life together and that will involve personal change and growth. And you can be the adult and go first.

The process of working on our marriage is hard. It is humbling to put the needs of others first, to consider their feelings, listen to their needs, and to be forgiving when bad behavior repeats. The good news is this work will make us more patient, more gentle, more compassionate, more respectful. This becomes an inner beauty that does not dim with age but glows brighter. It is good not only for our marriage but it is spiritually and emotionally healing for ourselves. 

So devote yourself to the work. It is good for your marriage, for your children, and for you.