Wednesday, December 20, 2023

The Most Important Christmas Tradition

What is your favorite holiday tradition? 

I have a favorite Christmas tradition, one I did with my daughters, my grandson, and now with my granddaughter this year. My first baby was born on Christmas Eve. Needless to say, Christmas has always been a very busy time for our family since then. On her second Christmas, she was one year old, and not only did I have to plan for Christmas but also her first birthday party. I'm sure you can all relate. 

What changed our Christmas celebration trajectory was something that happened exactly six months after her birth on June 24, 1988. That was the day of my spiritual awakening. Some of you may know what that is like, some of you would call it a "born-again" experience. For me, it felt similar to my first romance. I felt joyful and light. I wanted to tell everyone about it, even though most other people I told did not understand. And I wanted to know everything about my new love, who was Jesus. So I looked in the best place where I could find out about Him, the Bible. 

At the time, the knowledge I wanted most was how to be a good mom, since the whole mothering thing was new to me and I had no idea what I was doing. I started at the beginning of the Bible and I found this instruction that was gold and I determined to follow it. It is from Deuteronomy 6:4-7:

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 

This made sense to me at the time, and now in retrospect, I realize how important it was to teach our children about God as they naturally go about their days. It is good also to bring your children to church for instructions, it is great if they have grandparents or aunts and uncles to also tell them about God. 

But moms, it is of vital importance that YOU tell them yourself as you wake them up in the morning, as you put them to bed at night, as you drive them around. It is most impactful to them to lead by your own example of faith. Anyone one who had a toddler knows they model your behavior, the good and the bad. 

So I took this seriously. And when Christmas came around, I was diligent to teach them the story of Christmas. My mother-in-law made this easy for me because she had given me a Nativity set with plastic people. I used these plastic people to tell the story of Jesus to my children. 

 • I told them about how the angel Gabriel came to Mary to announce to her that she would be blessed to be the mother of the Son of God. And Mary said Yes! 

• I explained how the angel then came to Joseph in a dream to tell him that he should marry Mary and to name the baby Jesus. And Joseph said Yes! 

• I used the donkey to show the long ride to Bethlehem and how Joseph knocked on doors asking, Any rooms? 

• Finally Mary and Joseph had their baby Jesus in a barn and she put Jesus asleep in the hay. 

• Also I told them the story of the shepherds at night in the fields watching their sheep and how the angels announced the news of great joy about the baby Jesus. And the shepherds said, Let's go see!

• Finally I told them about the wise men from far away who came to find and worship baby Jesus. They gave Him three gifts, gold, frankincense and myrrh. 


We used the plastic Nativity people each year to re-tell the story as we put together the manger scene and talked about God's love for us. I encouraged them to imagine the great and awesome God who created the heavens and earth, who knows the name of every star, yet also knows the numbers of hairs on your head, who created each type of animal, each blade of grass, each drop of water in the ocean, that God, loved us so much He became human to live among us.

Jesus could have come any TIME He wanted. He could have come in 2023 and been a Tik-Tok influencer in the age of the internet and air planes and indoor plumbing. How easy it would have been for Him to spread His message and become famous! 

But instead the time He chose was when the best mode of travel was a donkey and the best message delivery system was to speak from the top of a hill. 

Jesus could have come any WAY He wanted. He could have come as the son of a powerful king, or the son of a wealthy and honored rabbi. He could have come like the angels did, out of the sky, like a mighty warrior dressed in blazing glory. 

But instead, He chose a poor young girl, allowed her to travel far away from family and friends, to give birth in a barn surrounded by animals. Jesus came as a baby, and we all know what that means, right? He could not feed Himself, dress Himself, burp Himself or clean Himself. Plus there was no mom there for Mary, to remind her, "don't forget to support his head!" Or to say, "let me come over for the first time and show you how to give him a bath." Jesus allowed Himself to be helpless and trusted a teenage girl with His life. 

Why in the world did Jesus do that? 

Because He loves us. Because it was important for Him to relate to us. For Jesus to understand what it was like to be human by becoming one of us. For Him to be worthy for the sacrifice He would be making later on our behalf. 

And for us to have the option of faith. We choose to believe Him. Or not. He wants our love and He invites us, but He will not force us. 

Now the rest of the traditions are fun too and we enjoy them, but for our family, we were so busy we forgot to tell our children about Santa Claus. So we just never did. 

But honestly I do have this one problem with the way we use Santa to keep our children from going over the deep end in all the Christmas excitement. We tell them Santa comes ONLY for the GOOD little girls and boys. That he sees them when they are sleeping, knows when they're awake. He knows if they have been bad or good. And I get it, moms, no judgment from me! I am down for "whatever works". 

Jesus was just the opposite. Jesus not only came to show us all what God was really like. He came to all BAD girls and boys. And not to give us coal in our Christmas stockings. No, rather He came to provide us with forgiveness and to reconcile and restore our relationship with God. And honestly, we are ALL bad girls and boys. 

Just to prove the point, let me ask: 

Who of you have never, in your life, done anything wrong? Anything that violates your OWN moral code of conduct? Could you claim you are perfectly good? 

No?

Me neither. Matter of fact, if you give me 20 minutes I will say or do something wrong. So I'd better wrap this up then. 

Jesus came not only to live with us but also to pay the debt for all the things we did wrong. Not to look the other way, mind you and say to us, "that's ok sweetheart, you do you." 

No, He paid the price instead of us so that we could be with a holy God in heaven forever and empower us to live better while we are here. 

Click here for the original Christmas story in a translation that will be easy for your young child to understand. If you need to hear it again or hear it for the first time, please read it. Think about it. Be like the most famous mom in history, Mary of Nazareth, and treasure it in your heart. 

I encourage you this Christmas to share with your children the most miraculous story ever told, how God loved you and your children so much that He left the glory of paradise to be a baby and grow up, as an average child, just like the little one you love at home. The awesome God in a tiny baby's body. What is a better story than that? 

======= 

Here's a question for you. 

It is interesting to read how different people reacted to the birth of Jesus. Mary and Joseph both said YES to the angel despite the hardships they would encounter. The shepherds were excited and came to see Jesus. The wise men brought gifts to honor and worship Jesus. 

But King Herod tried to find Jesus to murder Him. The gospel of Matthew 2:16 tells us: "Herod realized that the Wise Men had tricked him. So he became very angry. He gave orders about Bethlehem and the area around it. He ordered all the boys two years old and under to be killed. This agreed with the time when the Wise Men had seen the star." 

How do you react to the story of Jesus' birth? 

• Excited and joyful 

• Grateful 

• Worshipful 

• Indifferent 

• Skeptical 

• Offended 

• Hostile

Friday, September 29, 2023

Intentional

Usually I start the year with a "Word of the Year" but it seemed like this year I was too absorbed with my mom, her illness and then her passing. At first that seemed to be my default word of the year: death. 

However that does not honor my mom. My mom was very intentional about life. She was always trying to better herself, move forward, right up to the end when she started to say she was "fading away." It was then when she knew and accepted her next step would be death. While I needed and wanted to be by her side at that time, now I need to go in a different direction. 

So as I wrote this years September mentor moment, I realize these MOPS themes are not just for the new moms, they are for me.

Now I am in the autumn of my life. Not that I am complaining, autumn is a beautiful season. It may be closer to the end, but it is not over yet! It seems even more important to be intentional about what I say yes to and what I walk away from. Even in September it is not too late for a Word of the Year! 

Jesus, please help me be more intentional with my life!

* * *


from the MOPS September Mentor Moment

When the Montclair MOPS group first started over 20 years ago, I was close friends with the woman who organized it. At that time, my two daughters were already in elementary school and I thought, how wonderful it would have been to have a MOPS group when my daughters were newborns. When my first was born, I was 32 years old and knew nothing about navigating life as a new mom. My life revolved around my career. Most of my friends were people I worked with. Even the Bible study I attended at the time was with my co-workers. When I was at home alone with my new baby I was like a ship unmoored. To tell you the truth, initially, I didn’t think I would survive. I was surprised by how hard it was. I was startled by how lonely I felt. Each stage seemed to last forever. And I was stunned that after each stage had passed, how passionately I missed it, even the ones that were difficult at the time.

I stayed at home with my daughters until they went to pre-school and then I worked part time and eventually full time. I retired in July 2022. Barely two months had passed when Sandy asked me to join the MOPS team as a mentor mom, and I was thrilled to say yes!

Matter of fact, that is the theme for MOPS this year: Say Yes!

I will grant you that it is easy to say yes for me today because my children are grown and I’m retired. It’s a lot harder as a mom with littles. Most days are NO NO NO! No, you don’t put that in your mouth! No, you can’t watch another video. No, we don’t hit our brother. No, I’m too busy and can’t meet you for coffee. No, I am too tired tonight honey. Finally, it’s No you can’t borrow the car … but that’s for another day.

This year MOPS is encouraging us to add YES to our vocabulary. Agreed, we need to avoid people-pleasing or over-extending ourselves. In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s about understanding our goals and moving through life on purpose.

And it’s not only about mothering, it’s about everything: our friendships, marriage, our extended family, and work. We can get so caught up in the urgent demands of the day-to-day, and then years go by and we realize we haven’t been making the small choices that will get us where we actually wanted to be. Too often, our ‘yeses’ are default decisions we aren’t even intentionally making or we say yes to the stuff we feel obligated to do.

Our MOPS Theme Bible verse this year is: Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin… (from the prophet Zechariah 4:10 NLT)

What if we started out with small steps, being intentional to say ‘yes’ to the important things?
Yes, to parenting on purpose. Yes, to significant challenges and out-of-our-comfort-zone opportunities. Yes, to carving out time for our marriage. And yes to invitations to connect with others.

Developing a ‘yes’ mindset is living intentionally, focused on our goals for ourselves and our families. Specifically, we want to practice saying yes in three areas:

1. Befriend Discomfort

As mothers, we are no strangers to discomfort. Just the entrance of our baby into the world was extremely discomforting, to say the least. Everything we do seems sacrificial. What if we saw the discomfort and the sacrifices as a blessing instead of a curse? What if it is an opportunity instead of a failure? What if we saw the problem as a challenge with potential for good? Maybe the dead end is really a new beginning.

We have this one life. Do we want to spend it regretting the things we didn’t do? Avoiding awkward situations? Procrastinating until opportunity passes us by? Distracted by mourning prior seasons of our lives?

What if the way forward is to embrace difficult things instead of avoiding them? Befriending Discomfort is a life hack that can improve every area of our lives. Tackling challenges can help us become more confident and more courageous. When we take that first step we start to feel less fragile and less stressed. Opportunity can pass us by while we wait until we feel ‘ready’ or qualified or when all the details come together perfectly. Instead let’s step forward and do it afraid. And let’s invite our kids along for the thrill that comes with doing hard things.

James, the brother of Jesus sums it up perfectly when he stated (in James 1:2-4 NIV)

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Yes, I want to be mature and complete, don’t you? Honestly there is no way around it. Mothering is hard. It’s exhausting, stressful, frustrating and even painful. You have to do the hard things anyway. Welcome each challenge knowing it will change you for the good.

2. Be Easily Delighted

The other side of mothering is it is incredibly wonderful if you have the eyes to see it. But that sense of delight is the first thing to go between midnight feedings, changing poopy diapers, piles of dirty dishes, stacks of unpaid bills, plus worrying about doing things right. But we can change all of that when we learn to look for the lovely. We can learn to love what must be done and be captivated by simple things like the smell of our kids’ hair and our husband’s glances across the room. It’s all decadent when we take the time to stop and really notice. This year let’s pray for God’s help to be easily delighted with the small things because the small things are the big things.

Our Bible verse from King David’s Psalm 18:19 reminds us of God’s feelings for us:

He brought me out into a spacious place. He rescued me because He delighted in me. (Psalm 18:19 NIV)

If God can find delight is this broken world and in us when we up to knees in dirty laundry, we can surely find delight in our children and our lives.

3. Be Here Now

Our culture tells us it’s all up to us. And while we certainly want to do our best, we must acknowledge that most of life is out of our control. Let’s replace the urge to have a death-grip every possible outcome with the humble surrender that our best will have to suffice. This year let’s remember our direction is more important than our speed. Let’s not let hurry and worry rob us of our time in this sweet season of our lives. Instead, let’s trust God will provide for our every need, and that means we can tend to our kids, marriage, home, friendships, neighborhood, and the work God has given us and take the time to enjoy ourselves while we are doing it.


In Matthew 6:26-27 Jesus Himself reminds us of God’s care for all the details of our lives:

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? (Matthew 6:26-27 NIV)

Now I have been married for 42 years, a mother for 35 years and a grandmother for 17 years. In the end not only did I survive, but my memories of mothering are the sweetest of my life. I do not regret any sacrifice. What I want to offer you, dear moms, is perspective and encouragement because mothering is hard. It not sexy, the pay is bad, and they don’t give awards. But I am convinced mothering is the most important aspect of our lives. When I look at my family today, I am so grateful I did the hard things, that I took the time to enjoy my children and that I chose to trust God for what I could not control. Which was quite a lot. I have found God has been faithful.


My own mom passed away earlier this year. We were very fortunate as she lived an active life until she was sick briefly and then passed at age 94. I think about what she has left me. Oh, we did get some money, nice jewelry, and way too many collectibles. But the most important things she left us we can’t see or touch: it was her love, kindness, generosity, her courage, and her passion for life. Those things are inside me now and I can’t lose them. I want to pass on those things too, but I need to be intentional to do it. I need to say yes to the right things. I pray this year we can help each other figure that out together.

I am excited for this year at MOPS and I am honored to be part of this team who are dedicated to serving moms. We know you want to get it right and we want to support you. We promise to provide you with practical information and the most delicious brunch in New Jersey.

I pray that you will find a supportive and loving community of moms here at MOPS. The other mentor moms and I would be happy to meet with you outside of MOPS or right after our meeting, to discuss any questions you may have on parenting, marriage or about your spiritual journey. We love listening to small questions or big life questions, and we firmly believe there are no stupid questions. Maybe you just need a listening ear or someone to vent to. We are here for you.

If you live in northern New Jersey and are interested in joining us, visit montclair.church/mops 

If you are not, then visit mops.org to find a local group near you.

Tuesday, September 19, 2023

The Story of Eliseo and Mary Lucciola

as remembered by my brother Gabriel R. Micchelli
09-12-2023  

 

Heritage and Pedigree of the Lucciola Family

This is the story of my maternal grandfather’s immigration experience coming from Italy to the United States America in 1918. Like tens of millions of other Europeans, he came through Ellis Island. The colloquialism “coming through” seems appropriate because he was like a baby being born, coming through the birth canal, not knowing what would happen next or where he was going. Tens of millions of immigrants’ stories are similar. In those days they came by ship. Ellis Island was the birth canal through which the immigrant passed checkpoints and waited to be born into new life, a life of freedom and opportunity in the United States of America.

How I heard this Story

I would ride my bicycle on the warm summer days in July of 1968, down my street to the corner. Once I turned that corner, I was out of sight of my home at 101 Forest Street. I’d ride down a long hill to the busy cross street of Union Avenue where I would make a right turn and ride on the sidewalk for a few long blocks until I reached EL Cleaners on Union Avenue near Joralemon Street - another busy thoroughfare. Joralemon Street was named after one of Belleville’s founding families from the early 18 century.

I’d kickstand my Stingray bike on the sidewalk and visit my grandfather - who I called Popa. I’d watch him sow and press suits and wait on customers. When times were slow, I’d ask him things. Many things. What it was like when he was my age. How old he was when he came to the US. What mom was like when she was a young girl.

Most kids my age had heroes who were sports figures and astronauts. My heroes were businessmen like my grandpa and my dad and his brothers and sister. Dad had five other brothers and a sister in the hairdressing business. My paternal grandfather, the original Gabriel, passed away when my dad was four years old of an unknown illness. My grandfather Gabriel’s brother Nicholas looked after his brother’s young family. When Joe, Nick and Gabriel came home from WWII in 1944 and 1945, their Uncle Nick set them up in hairdressing school and afterwards, brought them into this hairdressing salon in Newark’s busy and bustling downtown. Once employed at Micchelli Hairdressing, Joe, Nick, and Gabriel joined their other brothers, Louis, Anthony and Michael, and their sister Philomena. Also in this gaggle of Micchelli hairdressers was Louis’ son, another Gabriel, named after his grandfather. The two youngest hairdressers in the shop were 18 year old Gabriel, Louis’ son and 22 year old Gabriel, my dad – both named after the same man.

Enough about the Micchelli family for now. Let’s get back to my Papa. My mom was Papa’s only daughter. Papa and grandma Mary raised their daughter Louise in Belleville, on the other side of town from where we lived. Grandma died when I was a toddler - before I could know her. Papa came to live with us after grandma passed and he was like a 2nd father to Barbara and me. I don’t remember a time without Papa being there. Papa and I played a little, but we talked a lot when I was a young boy. Papa’s life was his tailor shop and his daughter Louise and all of us. He and dad would talk about business along with mom. When dad left Uncle Nick’s salon in Newark, he and brother Michael opened their own salon. When dad finally went on his own, Papa gave dad confidence and was a valuable sounding board.

Papa had a relationship with a woman from Brooklyn. Her name was Yetta. She was a Jewish lady who escaped Germany just before WWII and was a great dancer according to Papa. Papa would take the train to meet Yetta on the weekends and they would go dancing. She worked at the Knickerbocker Toy Company in New York City. The name 'Knickerbocker' was derived from the nickname for the citizens of New York in reference to the baggy trousers (knickers) that the original Dutch settlers wore. Yetta came to our house for holiday dinners and once we all went to New York City to meet her and her son for dinner. She was fun and funny and was the only grandmother that I ever knew, as both of my grandmothers had passed away before I ever knew them.

The story that follows is as I heard it in bits and pieces when I was 11 years old from my grandfather, Eliseo (Eddie) Lucciola, in the back of his tailor shop on warm July afternoons in 1968.

The Story Begins in Cassino Italy

Eliseo was startled awake one morning in his small bed in Cassino. He had made his decision concerning a letter he received from his older brother Serafino, postmarked America. Serafino had left Italy a few years before for America. He had been sending money. A few weeks ago, a letter came from Serafino addressed to Eliseo. It said,

In Italian,“Vieni in America dove ho un lavoro per te nella mia sartoria. La vita è bella qui. Arriva attraverso i servizi di immigrazione di New York City a Ellis Island, USA. Fammi sapere il nome della nave che prendi da Napoli a New York, e ti incontrerò nel luogo designato vicino a Ellis Island.”

In English, “Come to America where I have work for you in my tailor shop. Life is good here. Arrive through New York City Immigration Services at Ellis Island, USA. Let me know the name of the ship you take from Naples to New York, and I will meet you at the designated place near Ellis Island.”

Eliseo and his bride, Mary

That letter had been rattling around in Eliseo’s head for weeks. He had never thought about going to America before, but the letter forced Eliseo to look at life in his village. “What kind of life is there for me here in Cassino?”, he thought.

He was 17 years old and was apprenticed to a tailor in Cassino for little wages, to learn a trade. He made extra money by chopping wood for the townspeople in Cassino with his small axe and pick. If he left for America, his younger brother, 12-year-old Elisia, would take over chopping wood for money to buy the family provisions such as flower, eggs, salt, and bread. The cow and their little garden his mother tended supplied milk and enough produce to sustain them.

Mother’s thoughts - and becoming “American”

Eliseo had spoken to his mother about Serafino’s letter and asked her what she thought of him leaving Italy for America. She said, “Italy is old, and the plight of the people hadn’t changed in 1,000 years, and may not change for another 1,000, but America was young and growing.” It was his decision to make, and his alone. She would support whatever he decided to do.

Eliseo thought about what his life would be like in Italy and what his life could be in America. America had gained a reputation during WWI as a powerhouse. People in America were free and not restrained by the circumstances of their birth, or by a repressive government, or by the vendettas of the powerful Mafia who wielded power in Italy. Now with the war over, Eliseo wanted to be free to do what he wanted to do. Go where he wanted to go. He wanted to get married someday and for his family to have a better life than what Italy could offer. He wanted liberty. In that moment, thinking about what we now call “the American dream”, he became an American.

The ship to American sailed from Naples, which was a few days walk from Cassino. He took what money he had and set out for Naples to find work to earn money to sail to America. He left early in the morning and walked all day. The first night he spent just off the road sleeping in a field near some bushes. The next night he slept in an empty barn near a farmhouse. The following day he arrived walking into Naples. It was a large city for the young man who grew up on a small plot of land, in a tiny house, on the outskirts of Cassino.

Naples is the sprawling regional capital of Campania and the third-largest city of Italy, after Rome and Milan. This ancient city had been the capital of the Kingdom of the Two Sicilia. Before that it was the capital of the Kingdom of Naples, and before that it was the capital of the Duchy of Naples. Founded by Greeks in the first millennium BC. Naples is one of the oldest continuously inhabited urban areas in the world – and it looked every day of it. The city was filthy.

By contrast, the ancient bucolic village of Cassino lies at the foot of Mount Cassino, the sight of the great monastery of Saint Benedict. A city of medieval origins, Cassino is scarred by multiple battles and ancient wars. Now a peaceful village. Eliseo had once climbed the steep hillside and approached the ancient wall of the monastery only to be brushed away by the monks who tended the garden outside the walls. Before descending he stopped and took in the grand view from the top of the mountain overlooking his village. He felt like a rich man surveying his lands. He thought of his father.

His father had died when Eliseo was eight years old of an unknown ailment. His mother raised three sons and after his father had died, kept them fed and clothed by taking in sewing in the village for the tailor who was Eliseo’s master and teacher. Before leaving for America, Serafino had chopped wood and done odd jobs to help feed his brothers and mother.

Eliseo’s mother was funny and chatty and wise, and always gave him and his brothers good advice. He always felt good about things and confident in himself whenever they would talk. She smiled while listening to Eliseo. When he told her he was leaving Cassino. She told Eliseo that he was capable of doing great things and should never give up. She reminded him as she had many times, that he was descended from the same great Italian people that had produced the likes of Leonardo DaVinci, Christopher Columbus, Galileo and Michelangelo.

Earning money in Naples

Eliseo soon got a job serving coffee in a little shop in downtown Naples and slept at the top of the stairs in a small room. The next week he got a job waiting tables in a better restaurant such that he could stay at a nearby farmhouse with a family who had a spare room. Then one day he ran into Antony, a 2nd cousin about the same age who was also working to earn money to sail to America. They pooled their money and rented one room to save faster. Within a few months they had saved enough for their fare to America. They didn’t think it necessary to purchase grand accommodations onboard. As soon as they had enough for the cheapest fare and a little more to get started in America, they left on the next ship. Eliseo and Antony did not know how far away America was or how long it would take to get to New York or what would happen when they arrived. Antony had a cousin in New York City and Eliseo had his brother to meet him when he got to Ellis Island. Rumors of what America was like came from returning travelers who had all sorts of differing stories, which Eliseo discounted. They were returning from America or somewhere else.

Off to America

Before they boarded the ship for New York City, Eliseo mailed a letter to his brother containing the name of his ship. The letter would probably sail with them on the same ship. They boarded the ship and found their small cabin that they would share with eight other people. Breakfast and dinner were provided by the crew who served it on large tables in a larger interior cabin of the ship. Breakfast was an egg at various degrees of boiled hardness, two pieces of bread and coffee. Dinner was stew with some meat and vegetables.

The last day of September 1919 was a beautiful end of summer day in Naples. A great day to embark. By the next evening the ship had sailed to the point where it was directly between Marsala in Sicily, Cagliari in Sardinia, and Bizerte in Tunisia. The ship at that position was 100 miles from each city. Each was over the horizon and out of sight. The Mediterranean is a vast and open sea. Eliseo and Antony were amazed at the vastness and wondered how the ancients traversed it in small wooden boats. It would take another four days to reach Gibraltar. The Rock was clearly visible as was the African city of Puerto de Ceuta, the furthest southern outcrop of Spain.

After sailing through the straight they lost sight of the Rock of Gibraltar. Then leaving behind the last site of land, the city of Tangier in Morocco, the vast stormy Atlantic opened up. The next two weeks were open water, rocking seas and seasickness. The last land that was visible before reaching New York was the Acores Islands. The ship sailed between Mt Caldaria on the little island of San Petro and Ponta Delgada on the greater Isle of Saint Miguel. The storms of early October sent the ship tossing in the North Atlantic for what seemed like an eternity, actually 18 more days at sea. During that time Eliseo and Antony were very seasick. A fellow passenger gave them cigarettes to calm their stomachs. Smoking only made their heads hurt but after a while the headaches went away, and smoking cigarettes passed the time. Dying of lung cancer 53 years later was the last thing on Eliseo’s mind.

Approaching NYC and the Statue of Liberty

Every morning Eliseo would come up on deck to see the sun rise over the stern of the ship. It had been heading east since leaving Gibraltar but on this morning the sunrise was off the starboard beam, his right as he looked toward the bow of the ship. It was steaming north, giving him hope that their journey was coming to an end.

What had started out as an exciting sea adventure had turned into a sickness drenched, dirty, exhausting affair. Antony had been sick with a cold for much of the trip and he was weak and often unable to take care of himself. Eliseo brought him food and kept him warm by sharing his blanket so that Antony would have two when it got cold. Sickness was rampant throughout the passengers and crew.

Finally, the next daybreak after a particularly bad night with Antony, Eliseo came up on deck to see in the distance the two sandy beaches separating the mighty Atlantic from what seemed a safe harbor. These sandy beaches are Sandy Hook in New Jersey and Breezy Point in Long Island. Eliseo didn’t know where he was or where he was going next but was relieved that landing seemed close at hand. Briefly, he had seen the day before, distant beaches as the ship sailed up the coast of New Jersey.

Sailing past the sandy outcroppings on each side, the ship headed straight toward South Beach on Staten Island then came hard to starboard with Seagate off the starboard beam. The ship then pointed directly between what looked like big shoulders of land, those being the Verrazzano Narrows separating Lower New York Bay from Upper New York Bay. Giovanni da Verrazzano an Italian explorer followed his compatriot Columbus, landing on the North American continent’s southeastern shores. He then sailed northward along the coast, just like Eliseo and Anthony did, discovering New York’s lower and upper bays, again just like Eliseo and Anthony. Verrazzano named the narrow entrance to the great river that Henry Hudson would later name after himself.

Once through the Narrows the land slipped back and opened to the bustling Upper New York Bay. Ferryboats and sailing ships and other large ships, garbage scows and cityscapes on both sides of the Hudson River were visible with buildings and people. It was a misty, cool morning and there was so much to look at.

Suddenly, from out of the mist a gigantic woman dressed in green, bronze robes. It was the largest thing Eliseo had ever seen. She is mounted on a stone block pedestal. The woman is lifting a torch in her right hand and carrying a book in her left. She wore a crown of seven points and looked down to welcome newcomers. In confusion and gratitude and awe, Eliseo fell to his knees as he stared at the lady in the harbor. He heard those on the deck say…

In Italian, “Che paese e questo! Avere un tale Colosso nel porto accogliere le persone che vengone a cercare una vita migliore.”

In English, “What a country this is! To have such a colossus in the harbor to welcome people who come to seek a better life.”

Scores of other passengers stood on the deck in stark silent awe at the sight. The lady in the harbor was silent too but if she could have spoken, she would say, “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

What a country this is.

The lady has many names. Her official name is “Liberty Enlightening the World”. Some call her “Lady Liberty”. Eliseo didn’t know any of this. He just called her “America”.

Steaming past “America” coming up fast is a small island on which stands a strange looking building with four domed peak spires. But what is that just ahead off the starboard bow? What is that great loud noisy place there. As Governors Island passed there became revealed the tallest structure in this great city of New York - the Brooklyn Bridge and its great gothic spires and suspension cables. By then Antony had come up on deck to see. He and Eliseo had never known such things could exist and here they were all in one place all at one time. The Sun was up now, and the mist had burned off on this October morning a few days before his birthday, October 31, 1918.

Ellis Island

The ship was coming to dock at the island where the unusual building stood. This was Ellis Island. There was another ship docked there as well. And several moored in the harbor. All at once over the loudspeaker, the order was given to, “gather belongings and line up at the gangplank to disembark.” People scurried back to their berths as many languages were spoken on deck. Most people had one or two bags. In all the excitement Eliseo forgot to eat.

What followed was a series of lines and waiting. The great room inside the Immigration Services building was sectioned off by rope lines so that one person or family could come up to the podium at a time. They were asked their name, who they were meeting, their country, region, and town of origin, and how much money they were carrying. The great room was deafeningly loud and chaotic until coming up to the podium. The big official asked these questions in English as the translator put them into Italian for Eliseo. Eliseo had the letter from Serafino who was the person meeting Eliseo. But where would he meet Serafino, and when?

Most of the Italians disembarking that day were from Italy south of Naples. Now Italy had only been unified under one flag since 1861. This period of unification called Risorgimento, was completed and not to everyone’s liking, by 1871 - less than 50 years before. When asked about their country or origin many who lived in the south would state their closest major city as their country of origin. Bari, Cosenza, Naples, Foggia, Palermo, Avelino. There was still some animosity between the peoples of Italy. After all Italy had been living an uneasy peace between its city-states for centuries. The great cities of northern Italy, Roma, Venicia, Milano, and Florenzi, looked down on the poor peasants of southern Italy.

Antony’s Bad News

After the interrogation by the customs official Eliseo and Antony were taken to the infirmary for a medical checkup. Eliseo had a cold but was almost completely over it. Antony had a more serious illness. It could have been smallpox or measles or chicken pox. Eliseo and Antony didn’t know but the USA had a strict prohibition on allowing immigrants into the country with certain diseases. After some discussion by the authorities, it was decided that Antony would have to go back. The two were separated and would only see each other again through glass windowed doors after that. They got a chance to say goodbye before the ship taking Antony back to Italy, sailed. This was a harsh reality that was irrevocable. Eliseo wrote down the return address on Serafino’s letter and told Anthony to write when he got back to Italy.

The ship sailed the next day for Argentina. The shipping line departs Naples for New York then to Buenos Aires before heading back to Naples. It was the shipping line’s responsibility to bring immigrants back if US Customs denied any passenger entry. By the time the ship had reached Buenos Aires Antony was in good health and decided with some encouragement by the shipping lines, to disembark there and make his life in Argentina. The two men would see each other again 45 years later when Antony came to our home in Belleville.

Eliseo was now alone, with only the clothes on his back, a change of clothes, and his letter from Serafino, which was his only link to America and his family. No word came from Serafino to Ellis Island for Eliseo. He wondered how and if he would ever find Serafino from this island of Ellis.

Waiting For Serafino

After a couple of weeks on Ellis Island, as November started to bring on winter, Eliseo was told each morning to board a small boat that would take him to the harbor in Jersey City. Eliseo didn’t want to go to Jersey City. He wanted to go to Orange, NJ where his brother lived. Confused, he got on the boat each day and was delivered to a small outside waiting area at the Jersey City docks, not far from where the boat let him off. He was directed to sit on a set of benches and wait there with other immigrants in a fenced-in area.

November days are clear and chilly, and Eliseo didn’t have a warm coat. The immigrants all sat together to keep warm as they watched hundreds of commuters scurrying around where the immigrants were fenced in. They came out of the Central Railroad of New Jersey Terminal and walked over to waiting ferries to take them to New York City’s lower Manhattan. Eliseo knew that they were arriving at the big terminal on train cars because he could hear the trains. He could see through the terminal’s open facing doors that scores of locomotives were arriving every few minutes. Ferries went back and forth to New York every few minutes. Trains arrived every few minutes. Hundreds and hundreds of people streamed into New York City. People from New Jersey had to come by train and then traveled by boat to Manhattan every day. What was going on over there?

On the third day sitting on the cold bench on the dock in Jersey City, a few minutes before 6:00 pm, just before boarding the boat back to Ellis Island, Eliseo heard his name called by a familiar voice. It was Serafino! He had just gotten off the train from Orange, New Jersey for the third time that week. He had been following the schedule of the ship and knew approximately when Eliseo would be sitting on that same bench where he disembarked a few years before.

Big smiles. Warm embraces followed by a rebuke by Serafino as to why it took Eliseo so long to arrive. Eliseo complained back to Serafino simply in self-defense as they ran for the train back to Orange New Jersey and Eliseo’s new home. 

Barbara continues the story...

The Story of Mary

While Eliseo was growing up in Italy, Mary Crecco was already in America, but life was not easy for her either. The middle child of three daughters, Mary's mother and father died was she was a child. Her and her younger sister Anna were moved to a orphanage. Her older sister Jenny was already married with children and she could not afford to take her sisters in until they were old enough to work. Mary and Anna struggled in the orphanage but stayed close together to protect and encourage each other. Once they were old enough to move in with Jenny and her husband Carl, they went right to work, also using their sewing skills. Life was hard. Jenny would often buy bones from the nearby butcher to supplement the meals made from the backyard garden. 

Once she was of age, Mary and Eliseo were matched up by family friends and married. They continued to live in the house with Jenny in a top floor apartment. The house was heated by coal and since Eliseo was out for long days working, Mary was left to do all the other chores, including carrying the buckets full of coal from the basement to their apartment. Louise was her only child and she would tell us of her hands being lined with coal dust she could never wash out. Louise would become close to Jenny's daughters, Marge, Connie and Anita.


Eventually Eliseo was able to go into business on his own and they moved to an apartment in Belleville. Since Louise was older, Mary would work with Eliseo, coming home to cook him dinner and then return to work. Louise was often alone. 

When Louise and Gabe married and had their first child (that was me, Barbara), Louise had injured her arm and was unable to care for her. Mary came over and fed the baby and helped care for her while Louise recovered. After that, she would regularly visit, to help Louise with her children and darn Gabe's socks. She loved to play school with her grandchildren. My clearest memory of her was playing school and one time when I slept over her apartment. 

Louise's description of her was "she worked so hard all her life,"  "she was so good" and "she never got a chance to enjoy herself but she was the happiest when she was with her grandchildren!" Sadly she died too soon at the age of 60.

Saturday, July 01, 2023

Someday When I am Old

By a Not Yet Old Mom. 

For the Health and Happiness of my Children.

This was written by Verdell Davis of One Hope Ministries on the her 60th birthday. I did not write it but I wish I did. To my sweet daughters, I hope you read this as if I wrote it directly for you~

It’s my birthday. On this day, being of sound mind, the soundness of which is always debatable, but while I am thinking clearly enough to write these words, I write to you about… 

SOMEDAY WHEN I AM OLD, I mean really old…certainly older than SIXTY…unless, of course, I die before I have a chance to get old…but Someday When I Am Old, I may become quite difficult. While I hope I will age gracefully and pleasantly, none of us can know how illness or injury or pain will impact our lives. I cannot know if dementia will one day control my thinking. 

Or if loneliness will drive me to expect more of you than you can give. So, just in case that difficult me should arise someday when I am old, I want to prepare you – and release you from thinking your job is to keep me happy. 

I may lash out at the people who love me most in an attempt to get someone to give me back my life! But, you who love me most, that’s not your job. I may not have the capacity of acceptance, but you will. Accept that someday when I am old, I will be old. And with old comes unwelcome changes. 

NO ONE CAN PUT LIFE BACK THE WAY IT WAS. 

DON’T TRY. 


Ask God to help you know the line to walk between touching me with your loving care and living your own life. DO NOT let caring for me make you old before your time! Your family, your calling in life, your commitments, your spiritual journey, your health and well-being MUST NOT be neglected. Your tendency will be to overdo for me. Please don’t. Practice what I have learned to call “detachment without abandonment.” 

I may refuse to take my pills. I may complain when I should be saying “Thank you.” I may think someone, or everyone, is out to get me. I may become obsessive over the strangest of things and demand something my way or else! Trust your wisdom, do what you must, and understand that my demands are coming from a place I can’t control. 

Find the care I need and don’t put it on yourself, even if I beg you to “keep me.” Make the decisions the old me should not be making, and do not feel guilty for one moment. Feel free to laugh with each other at the ridiculous things I do – it will the make the ridiculous more bearable. 

I just might not know you. The thought of that makes me cry. But at that moment, I likely won’t feel the pain. You will. So I say to you now: in the deepest core of my being, NOTHING can erase my eternal memory of you or take away how much I love you. The old in me may short- circuit my brain, but it can never damage my heart of hearts. 

Written with Love from your mom, who is not yet old. 

(Originally written for my three children as a gift for them on MY 60th Birthday) by Verdell Davis of     One Hope Ministries 

Thank you Verdell! I am so glad I found this, for my own peace and for my daughters. May they pass it on! 

Saturday, June 24, 2023

Boundary Line

 "Not everyone is as nice as you, Barbara"

That is what mom told me over and over. One golden piece of wisdom I wish I understood at a younger age.

This spring we completed the study Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa Terkheurst and as a result, I felt led to review all my past bad boundary lessons.

Mom was right, of course. I believed people were good and honest. I wanted to help. I wanted to be liked, to be good. My sense of self was wrapped up in other people, accommodating them, making them happy. Often I would try to conform to what they wanted me to be and to hide the parts of me that were ugly to others. But I could not keep up the charade.

I was drawn to adventure and drama to the point of chaos. That was my personal goal: to smooth out the chaos, to make it right. That was how I tried to help. But I was drawn to chaotic people and chaotic situations that I could not fix. Things beyond my control to fix. I tried anyway with talking, then reasoning, and eventually yelling. Cajoling, then guilt and manipulation. It was for their own good! Ha! In the end my being "nice" wasn't good. And it certainly was not loving.

Jesus is never like this. He let people walk away. He drew close to them, loved them, was honest and gentle with them, but allowed them to be who they were. Even when it hurt them. Even when it hurt Him. Even when it killed them. Even when it killed Him. 

Jesus uses broken people to further His Kingdom. It is His plan A and He has no plan B. He knows we are good and bad intertwined. He understands we ruin everything we touch because we are sinful people, but He uses us anyway. He uses the horrid situations we create and works them together for good.

Jesus is the Prince of Peace, the One who calms the storms. We cannot do that.

Jesus is the One who sees into the hearts of people and sees into the future. We cannot do that.

Jesus is the One who gives power and the One who can take it away. We cannot do that.

Jesus is the One who can change hearts. We cannot do that.

Jesus alone brings the victory. We must choose to be on His side, trusting Him and not others or ourselves!

As I accept these things, I have His peace. I can look at the horrid situations others create -- and I create -- in peace, trusting Him. I drop the burden of the perfection and pick up my own load. 


I can share my feelings and be honest with others. I can stop accommodating and hiding.  I can draw boundaries and explain them in a gentle and respectful manner. I can let others walk away. I can stay alert to evil temptations and resist or flee as God leads me.

But I still want the adventure, the excitement. I still want to tell my story. Let me find my adventure in the future You have for me, doing Your will. Let me find my excitement in worshiping Your glory. Let me tell my story here to You, Beloved. You read every word. You dry every tear. You hear every sigh of my heart.

I can't change anyone. I can love them.  That was all You ever asked of me anyway. 

* * * 

It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for Him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end...

Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified, “Very truly I tell you, one of you is going to betray Me.” His disciples stared at one another, at a loss to know which of them He meant. One of them, the disciple whom Jesus loved, was reclining next to Him. Simon Peter motioned to this disciple and said, “Ask Him which one He means.” 

Leaning back against Jesus, he asked Him, “Lord, who is it?” Jesus answered, “It is the one to whom I will give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish.” Then, dipping the piece of bread, He gave it to Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot. 

As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered into him. So Jesus told him, “What you are about to do, do quickly.” (John 13:1, 21-27)

Friday, June 02, 2023

Choice

While browsing on social media I noticed a video from a woman with a heart breaking story.  She and her husband were struggling to conceive and when she finally did, her doctor informed them at 20+ weeks that the baby had a catastrophic defect what would cause him to die almost immediately after birth. She chose abortion. Later they had a healthy daughter who was the light of her life. Although she had previously been pro-life, after her experience she was pro-choice and wanted her daughter and all women to have choices in their reproductive health care.

The point of her story was to convince you that allowing women the choice to abort is good. And choice is good. Choice was God's idea in the beginning, all the way back in Genesis.  

Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there He put the man He had formed. The Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. (Genesis (2:8-9)

The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.” (Genesis 2:15-17) 

Notice, God created the garden, the man, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. He placed Adam in the garden and gave him ONE commandment and a CHOICE. Adam was made in God's image and God's desire was to have a loving relationship with him. And a relationship means there needs to be choice. Adam chose not to trust God and ultimately disobeyed His one commandment. 

God continues with the theme of providing choice to His people. As they entered the promised land, God instructs them through Moses:

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live (Deuteronomy 30:19)

The choice: trust God and obey Him or not. But the choice has consequences. The consequences of Adam's choice in the garden of Eden was for him and all humanity after him to be distanced from God, experience the harshness of the world outside of His perfect garden and ultimate death. 

As God ushered the nation of Israel into the promised land, He reminded them that their choice was truly between life and death. Later Joshua, who leads the nation of Israel after Moses, encouraged the next generation that the choice was theirs to make:

"But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” (Joshua 24:15)

We all have choices and we all choose. Sometimes we think we will avoid consequences but God will not be mocked. And He does not lie. The choice remains: life or death.

But God in His mercy and love for His people did not desire to stay estranged from them. So Jesus comes. His mission was to light the path to life.

God sent His Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through Him. There is no judgment against anyone who believes in Him. But anyone who does not believe in Him has already been judged for not believing in God’s one and only Son. And the judgment is based on this fact: God’s light came into the world, but people loved the darkness more than the light, for their actions were evil. (John 3:17-19)

Jesus can save us from all our bad choices. He provides forgiveness and His own righteousness so we can renew our broken relationship with God, His Father. But we still have a choice: to trust Jesus for this salvation that He offers, or not.

Every person in every generation must make that choice: to trust Jesus or not. In our generation, choices are even more complicated as technology advances. In every generation, women were faced with unexpected pregnancies and difficult circumstances. In every generation, some women experienced the heart breaking sorrow of a still born or deformed baby. Today pregnant women literally have the choice between life and death of their baby. 

What an excruciating choice!  

Those who advocate for abortion present it as if there are no consequences. They present abortion as a chance to change their future and to make the pregnancy just go away. But this is a deception. There are always consequences.  

Back to the heart breaking abortion video. What the women did not explain was the impact of a second trimester abortion on the mother and her developing baby. Sourced from doctors who provided this information at www.abortionprocedures.com, here is the explanation of the abortion procedure and the consequences:

The D&E (dilation [dilatation] and evacuation) abortion procedure is usually performed between thirteen and twenty-four weeks LMP (that is thirteen to twenty-four weeks after the first day of the woman’s last menstrual period), which is the second trimester of pregnancy.

This is a surgical abortion procedure during which an abortionist first dilates the woman’s cervix and then uses instruments to dismember and extract the baby from the uterus.  To prepare for a D&E abortion, the abortionist uses laminaria, a form of sterilized seaweed, to open the woman’s cervix 24 to 48 hours before the procedure. The laminaria soaks up liquid from the woman’s body and expands, widening (i.e., dilating) the cervix. 

When the woman returns to the abortion clinic, the abortionist may administer anesthesia and further open the cervix using metal dilators and a speculum. The abortionist inserts a large suction catheter into the uterus and turns it on, emptying the amniotic fluid. After the amniotic fluid is removed, the abortionist uses a sopher clamp — a grasping instrument with rows of sharp “teeth” — to grasp and pull the baby’s arms and legs, tearing the limbs from the child’s body.

Sopher clamp

The abortionist continues to grasp intestines, spine, heart, lungs, and any other limbs or body parts. The most difficult part of the procedure is usually finding, grasping and crushing the baby’s head. After removing pieces of the child’s skull, the abortionist uses a curette to scrape the uterus and remove the placenta and any remaining parts of the baby. 

The abortionist then collects all of the baby’s parts and reassembles them to make sure there are two arms, two legs, and that all of the pieces have been removed. 

At twenty weeks LMP, the baby’s nervous system is developed enough to feel pain. Research by the University of Toronto shows that babies at this stage can feel pain in the womb — even with greater intensity than adults. Almost all mothers feel the baby move by this point in pregnancy. 

For the woman, this procedure carries a significant immediate risk of major complications. Since the baby is removed in pieces, sharp pieces of broken fetal bones can puncture the woman’s uterus or cause a large tear (laceration). This perforation or laceration of the uterus or cervix, can also possibly damage the bowel, bladder, the rectum and other maternal organs. In addition to perforation and damage to internal organs, a second trimester abortion has a greatly increased risk of excessive bleeding and hemorrhaging.

I think women need to understand all this as part of their choice. Limiting knowledge or using emotional stories is not empowering women. It is manipulation. Is this information provided to women before they make a choice to abort?

Women know that mothering includes suffering as well as joy. Mothering is hard and requires sacrifice and some situations are much harder than others. I don't want to minimize at all the extremely difficult situation of the woman who made this video. I weep for her. I am sure God does too. And the offer of Jesus' forgiveness is available for her and for all women who chose abortion. 

Personally, I don't think the choice of abortion should be taken away from women. God gave us choice as a gift. It is how we are like Him. But choosing Him is always better. Choosing Him is life. 

We think we are choosing to continue with a pregnancy or not, but in fact the choice is between trusting God or not.  

My prayer is not that abortion be illegal. My prayer is abortion becomes unthinkable and that we rally around women with difficult pregnancy situations with compassion and provision. And that we remind women who have had abortions that forgiveness and reconciliation to God is always available to them through Jesus. 

For more information about abortion procedures from doctors, plus how to get help, please visit www.abortionprocedures.com.

Thursday, May 18, 2023

Pray and Obey


They have no more wine.

They were at a family wedding in the town of Cana. Running out of wine at a wedding in those days was quite the embarrassment. The wedding had many guests and went on for days. What was the family to do? The situation seemed impossible. Plus Jesus was not encouraging in His response.

Dear woman, that’s not our problem. My time has not yet come.

And yet Mary was not deterred. She turned to the wedding servers and told them:

Do whatever He tells you.  

So much wisdom is packed into the short dialog they had together. I love how Mary simply brings this need to Jesus. Mary did not tell Jesus how to resolve the problem. She had complete confidence He would take care of it in His perfect way. His seeming reluctance did not deter her. She knew all that was required was obedience.

What if I had complete confidence and peace in Jesus' power, wisdom, and love for me and those who I love like Mary did? 

What if I present my concerns to Jesus in the simple way as Mary did instead of spending energy trying to figuring it out myself? 

What if I understood obedience was required for the Kingdom to come? 

What if I did not see God's delays as His denials and simply continued to trust Him?

What if I truly believed that prayer was doing something?

Beloved, help me to pray as Mary did, with confidence in Your power and Your wisdom and Your love. Help me to obey You as the servants did, even when it seems unreasonable. Help me to trust You because You are worthy.

When the master of ceremonies tasted the water that was now wine, not knowing where it had come from (though, of course, the servants knew), he called the bridegroom over. “A host always serves the best wine first,” he said. “Then, when everyone has had a lot to drink, he brings out the less expensive wine. But you have kept the best until now!” (John 2:1-11)

Monday, April 10, 2023

Crucial Conversations and Conflict Resolution

Presented to Montclair MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers)  

Today’s topic is effective communication and conflict resolution. My goal today is not only to discuss it, but to help you to actually do it better. So I will need your participation. 

Think about a person in your life with whom you struggle to resolve conflict effectively. Maybe it’s a friend or relative. Maybe it is a neighbor or co-worker. Maybe it’s a brother or sister or your husband. Maybe you can think of several people, but pick just one. Ok, do you have one? Please keep that person in mind as we discuss the topic this morning. 

My person is my mom. Now, my mom is a wonderful person and if you met her, you’d probably like her a lot. She is friendly, extremely outgoing, kind, generous, cheerful, and smart. But like everyone, she has her faults. She is controlling and stubborn. She has your best interest at heart as she tells you firmly and enthusiastically how to live your life. She is just being honest, telling it like it is and she only wants to help. 

I have heard there are, generally speaking, two types of people: conflict avoiders and conflict enjoyers. Conflict avoiders are like turtles, they avoid conflict and when engaged, they pull away into their shells. Conflict enjoyers are like skunks, they love to engage in conflict and when they do they stink up with place with their aggressive behavior. The problem with me and my mom is she is a conflict enjoyer and I am a conflict avoider. Our routine would be her trying to tell me how I can better run my life and me changing the subject or making up an excuse to hang up the phone. This went on for decades. 

Then inevitable happened. This past October my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. We all knew what that meant. Death is part of life, it is inevitable. The best we can hope and pray for is a good end. And my mother had a good end. She lived to age 94 and was alert and active until the last few weeks. She died in January surrounded by family and friends who loved her. 

As I watched her health rapidly decline I was grateful to God I had finally learned to effectively communicate with her and resolve conflict. The pinnacle of that endeavor convinced her to move from a single family home in Toms River (1 ½ hours away) to a nearby senior living community (only a half hour away) a year before her illness. This made our last months together good for both of us. This is what is motivating me to have this conversation with you. I had no idea what hung in the balance of me taking this topic seriously. I would suggest neither do you.

I am no expert. I am just a satisfied customer. And I am still learning and practicing these ideas. The best material I found was in these two books I highly recommend to you for further study:

  • Crucial Conversations – Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler
  • When to Walk Away – Finding Freedom From Toxic People by Gary Thomas

If you are follower of Jesus Christ, this is not optional. Jesus simplified the 100s of Jewish laws into just two commands, the second one being: “Love one another.” Jesus stated in the gospel of John 13:34, and it was repeated at least 18 other times in the New Testament. The other Bible verse I kept going back to as I sought to learn how to resolve conflict in my relationships was from the letter to the Romans verse 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

But it is so hard, isn’t it? Exhausting, annoying, painful, frustrating and often it seems futile. At least that was my experience with the people in my life. My mother was too controlling. My husband was too stubborn. My daughter was too sensitive. My boss didn’t value my wisdom or experience. Some friends seemed too fragile. Others were too opinionated. And with each one we seemed to experience the same conflict over and over and never get anywhere.

However I did notice there was a common denominator in all of this. It was me. In every conflict there I was. So the light bulb went on. The source of the problem could be me! That was demoralizing and powerful all at once. Because I found I could not control others but I could control me! If I could get my part of this right that was all God was asking me to do.

Jesus said, “Why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, ‘Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.” (Luke 6:41-42)

I began by reflecting on how I could get rid of the log in my eye first by considering how was I interacting with others. Who were the people I was having conflict with? I thought past what we were arguing about to why it bothered me. And the timing. Did the argument always start right after school or work? Right before bed? As we are desperately trying to get out of the house in the morning? It was also important to think about timing for the other person too. If I know my husband can’t process anything after 8 pm, then that is never the time to start an important discussion. All these things tell me important information about how I handle conflict and how I could be more effective.


I also thought about how I was reacting in the conversations. Here are some communication methods that destroy dialog

  • Exaggeration – such as using “always” or “never”, as in “You always are late” or “You never help around the house”. Instead it is better to focus on a specific behavior, a specific time and explain how it made me feel. 
  • Trait names – such as calling others a loser, a liar, or a jerk, or worse. When I call others names I am telling the person who they are to me, what their identity is. This is the opposite of what Christ does for us, as He calls us His precious children, made in His image. 
  • Sarcasm – This is expressing contempt or ridicule, such as with snide remarks, little digs, and snarky comments. Even if this behavior does not cause an immediate blow-up, it will generate bad-will with others and doesn’t resolve the issue. All these things provoke the other person to anger not peace. It encouraged them to be defensive and blame me, not to listen to my needs or try to resolve the conflict. 

  • Disrespect – Not only what we say but also tone, gestures, facial expressions and body language can all communicate disrespect. This includes rolling our eyes, folding our arms, tapping our foot or fingers, or raising our voice to name a few. Especially for men, this can totally shut them down. Better for me to focus on being kind and gentle, no matter how they are responding to me. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1) After working in customer service for over a decade, I can attest this is absolutely true. It was what I practiced during phone calls with irate clients and 9 out of 10 times, it produced good results. 
  • Getting Historical – No, I don’t mean hysterical although that is not the best either. I mean rehearsing all the things the other person has done in the past that were wrong or hurtful. It tells the other person I assume they can never change; they can never be forgiven. It gets us stuck and can motivate them to give up and no longer try because, why bother? 
  • Mind-reading – I am always so tempted to assume what the other person is thinking, and always to assume the worst. Here is where listening is so important! Don’t assume, ask them. Then I restate what I think they said to make sure there is understanding. 
  • Stonewalling – This is refusing to cooperate or continue to communicate further on the topic or with a person, shutting down the dialog altogether. This was my favorite trick, to change the subject or come up with an excuse to hang up the phone. For me this was a defense because I felt like the discussion was going nowhere or I was losing. Often people stonewall because they do not feel safe to continue the discussion. Therefore it is important to make others feel safe to continue the dialogue.

I found it so helpful to take the time to consider not only my communication methods but also my attitudes and assumptions. Do I think I am right and the other person is crazy? Do I feel I am more mature spiritually and the other person is deceived? Do I want something from the other person but don’t really care about how it will affect them? Do I feel like the other person is so stubbornly
set in their ways that there is no point having the conversation? I asked God to reveal truth to me and show me where I was the problem. Taking time to reflect and being honest with myself has been very clarifying and beneficial. These are the questions I ask myself: 

  • What is my role in the problem? Even if it is small, it is important. 
  • Am I really open to the other person’s viewpoints? 
  • Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person do this, say this or feel this way? 
  • How can I confidently yet respectfully express my own views? 
  • What is it about my own attitudes and motives that I need to repent of before the conversation starts?

I also took the time to determine what I wanted and needed

  • What exactly is the issue that we need to resolve? What do I want to gain? 
  • What do I not want to lose? 
  • What did I really want in this relationship overall? Sometimes when we win on the issue we can lose on the relationship. If the relationship is important to you, that’s not really a win, is it? 
  • What do I need to forgive? Where do I need to ask for forgiveness? 
  • How important is this specific issue to me? Sometimes it helps to give it a number value.
       1: I’m not enthusiastic but it’s no big deal
       2: I don’t agree but I can let you have your way
       3: I don’t approve and need more time
       4: I strongly disapprove and can’t go along with this
       5: Over my dead body!
    When the issue is valued at a 1 or 2 for us, we can choose to submit. Submitting to others is a kindness that can pay dividends with increased good-will. Those are the easy ones. But make sure you are honest in your valuing what is important to you or it can create bad-will for you. 
  • Boundaries are important to clearly express. What will we not put up with? We must be clear to others on the consequences of not respecting our boundaries. We also must be honest with ourselves on whether we will be able to enforce those consequences or not.

The closer the relationship, the easier it is to get caught up in our emotions, especially anger and fear. It is so easy to default into familiar patterns even if they have not worked in the past. I have found the best defense is spending time reflecting on my behavior and my values before I initiate any discussion. I pray and ask God what He wants from this relationship. I confess my past bad behavior and attitudes. I ask Him for direction, courage and self-control.

Sometimes we are not the one initiating the conversation. It comes unexpectedly and we are blindsided and unprepared. Sometimes it is just a bad time of day or week. There is nothing wrong with asking the other to postpone the discussion so we have time to think, to get a handle on our emotions and evaluate what we want. When we are the one to initiate a conversation, we should also allow the other person the option to take the time they need.

But we need to get back to it. Jesus said, “Therefore, if you are bringing an offering to God and you remember that your brother is angry at you or holds a grudge against you, then leave your gift before the altar, go to your brother, repent and forgive one another, be reconciled, and then return to the altar to offer your gift to God.” (Matthew 5:23-24) I think the most important word there is GO. We cannot have peace with God while we are at odds with another. We should not wait for someone to come to us. We should not avoid the conflict. We are commanded to be the initiator. I confess, this is hard for me, as I am the conflict avoider! I have the conversation in my head and I play both parts. If I lose the argument then I won’t have it. But I have repented of this. I no longer assume what the other will say. I ask them and are often surprised at the result!

As we engage with others, let’s take to heart this wisdom: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:9) 

  • So first: Listen to others, taking in not only what they think but also how they feel. 
  • Do not interrupt with your arguments or judgments. Show them the respect to allow them to share their thoughts fully until they feel they are done. Sharing your ideas can come later. They will be more apt to listen to you when you patiently listen to them first. 
  • Reflect back to them what you think they said to make sure you understand correctly. 
  • Ask questions to discover more information. Ask why questions: why did they do that? Why do they feel this way? Sometimes it is helpful to ask about their family of origin, or other past relationships. Do not assume you know their motives, instead ask them to share. Be curious, be patient, be sincere. Start with looking to understand not to push for agreement. Deciding how to resolve the issue can come later. 
  • Be respectful and kind to make it safe for them to tell you what they really think and how they really feel.

Even knowing these are good things, I often ask myself, am I doing them? Where am I falling short? It is easy and it feels much better to notice where the other person is behaving badly. But that is much less productive. When we focus on our part, we can make progress, no matter what the other person does.

As we start to speak ourselves, SLOW is a good word to remember. 

  • First, apologize for your past mistakes or bad behavior if needed. Never underestimate how disarming a heartfelt apology can be! It can soften the heart of the other person and make them feel safe and open to hear what you have to say. 
  • Share what you want and how you feel. Express your boundaries clearly. 
  • Help them understand how important it is to you and why. 
  • Do not judge their actions as right or wrong, just explain how it affects you. 
  • Be factual but gentle remembering what we say might hurt them. Lead with compassion. You want to minimize their hurt but still tell the truth. 
  • Correct any misconceptions or false assumptions, theirs or yours. 
  • Try to find common ground. Don’t feel you have to close the deal. Accept their position even if you do not feel it is right or good. If your boundaries will permit, leave the door open for future dialog. Sometimes people need time to process. 
  • Don’t allow the other’s attitude or methods to rule how you engage with them. Just because they are acting badly, does not mean you need to retaliate. Even if others are not worthy of respect, we can still be respectful. Even if others are angry, we can still be gentle. 
  • Here is the disclaimer part. Remember the command is: as far as it depends on you. It always takes two in a relationship and sometimes the other person is not willing. We need to allow people to tell us who they are and believe them even if it means we can’t continue with the relationship. If you have to walk away from the relationship, trust God to judge and work things out. Our obligation is to forgive them even if they never acknowledge their guilt. Forgiveness is not for them, it is for your own heart, it is to release their domination over your heart and mind.

It is important to recognize if you are are by nature a conflict enjoyer or conflict avoider. If you are a conflict enjoyer like my mom, what you need more of is compassion. If you are a conflict avoider like me, what you need more of is courage. All of us need more show more respect and have more self-control. This is not natural at all. I think it is supernatural. Which is why we need Jesus.

Jesus was a master at self-control. He never tried to control others, even though He certainly had a right to as the Son of God. Unlike us, He knew best what was right and wrong and could see people’s real motives. Despite this, He never controlled anyone even if it would have been for their own good. On the other hand, Jesus did not allow others to deter Him from His message or His Father’s plan. He told them all truth but allowed them to reject Him and walk away. He always told them truth even when it was unpopular, even when it was dangerous.


Back to what happened with me and my crucial conversation with my mom. Since my mom was in her 90s, my desire was to have her live closer to me and stop driving her car so she could be safe and I could better care for her. She did not want to leave her home in south Jersey. We had had this discussion already several times and it never resolved. But this time was different. This time I prayed for a week before I spoke to her. I asked all my friends to pray too. I thought about my attitude and how to present this to her in a way that honestly expressed what I wanted and how I felt. When we had the conversation, she got angry again but I did not take the bait. I stayed patient, respectful but honest. That is why prayer was needed because this type of behavior was beyond what was previously possible for me. Still that night, she didn’t agree with me, but I did not push her. By the morning, she had changed her mind and agreed to look at senior living places near my home. Within 4 months of our conversation she moved to a nearby independent living center. Less than a year later she was diagnosed with cancer. I was able to be with her daily at that time because of that crucial conversation.

Please hear me. I did not change my mother. I had always thought she was the problem and trust me, I tried and tried to change her for years without any success. Instead I changed me. Or more accurately, I allowed God to change me. I got the log out of my own eye with His help. And then I did the GO part. I initiated the hard conversation.

Of course, there is no guarantee how your crucial conversations will turn out for you. Ultimately it is not about winning the argument or getting your way. It is about as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. That is how we can find peace. And that is what I want for all of you. 

 

Effective Communication and Conflict Resolution Discussion Questions 

1. Is there a person in your life with whom you struggle to resolve conflict effectively? Do you think changing your methods of communication would improve your relationship? If yes, what would be your best “next step”? 

2. Are you a conflict enjoyer or a conflict avoider by nature? Do you feel your nature has had a positive or negative impact on your ability to resolve conflicts? Why? 

3. Do feel you have compassion, courage, respect, and self-control? Which one is a struggle for you? Why? 

4. Which one of these methods are you most likely to use? Why do you use them? 

  • Exaggeration – such as using “always” or “never”, as in “You always are late” or “You never help around the house”. 
  • Trait names – such as calling others a loser, a liar, or a jerk, or worse. 
  • Disrespect – such as facial expressions, gestures, voice tones and body postures which communicate disrespect. This includes rolling our eyes, folding our arms, etc. 
  • Sarcasm – expressing contempt or ridicule, such as snide remarks, little digs, and snarky comments. 
  • Getting Historical – rehearsing the things the other person has done in the past that were wrong or hurtful. 
  • Mind-reading – assuming the worst motives. 
  • Stonewalling – refusing to cooperate or continue to communicate further on the topic or with the other person, shutting down the dialog altogether. 

5. Are you a good listener? Do you struggle with any of these listening skills? If yes, why do you think this skill is hard for you? 

  • Being patient. 
  • Not interrupting the other person. 
  • Focusing on what they are saying and not your next point. 
  • Asking additional questions, being curious. 
  • Withholding judgment. 
  • Being respectful in words, tone, facial expression and body posture. 
  • Being compassionate, sympathetic, gentle and kind. 
  • Not allowing the other person’s anger or other emotions to affect you. Not answering them in kind. 
  • Believing the best, not the worst when it comes to their motives. 
  • Trying to find areas of agreement or common values.

Please share your thoughts on this discussion in the comments section.