How to Listen So That People Will Talk

This talk was given at the April 2025 MomCo Meeting. 

Recently I picked up a book entitled How to Talk so People Will Listen. I love to talk, and write, so it seemed interesting to me. 

When I was younger I loved reading the newspaper column by Dear Abby. People would write in a question, maybe a sentence or two, and Abby would write back and solve their problem in a brief paragraph. Don’t you wish life was like that? Submit your question and have someone give you a simple solution? Just do these five easy steps, or take a magic pill? Sign me up. 

Of course, that doesn’t work.

I was struck again by this uncomfortable fact as I read some of the questions you moms submitted to us mentor moms during this year. When we spoke to you at the February meeting we started with the disclaimer that many of these harder issues are best resolved by a counselor, coach or mentor that could talk with you one on one. However, I wanted to share with you more about it today. 

Instead of how to talk so people will listen, I want to encourage you to learn to listen so that people will talk. 

Because listening is important. 

As I read each question you submitted, I wanted to ask more questions. I needed to know more about your specific situation. How could I help you when I didn’t accurately understand the problem, know about the history behind it, and fully grasp how you are feeling? 

As my daughters passed from teens to adulthood, at first I continued what I did when they were younger. After they briefly told me their problem, I would give them my solution. I discovered this doesn’t work with adults. 

 Somehow I had believed the lie that if I said it loud enough, if I repeat it often enough, if I am logical, clever and manipulative enough, I can bully others to do what I say. Sometimes that works on five-year-olds, but most often, not even then. 

For one thing, life is complicated. Second, we need to earn the right to be heard. 

We need to listen in order to help people talk and tell us more. This is how we love them, how they learn to trust us, and how we earn their respect. It is how we know them well enough to be able to pour into their lives. 

The Bible authors also encourage this. 

 In the new testament, James 1:19 tells us: My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry 

The Old Testament Proverbs 18:13 also urges us to listen: To answer before listening— that is folly and shame. 

I have found listening is hard. 

• It is devastating when my mom rants on about the health crisis she is experiencing. 

• It is crushing when my daughter explains of how I hurt her as a teen. 

• It is annoying when my husband goes on and on in detail about how he repaired our car when I don’t understand and frankly don’t want to know, honey just fix it, thank you. Honestly I need to work on listening to my husband because my old habit is to tune him out. I hear "wat wat wat." It is bad. Entrenched habits are the worst. 

I had this revelation with my adult daughter: Just listening to her helped. 

• I didn’t have to solve her problem. 

• I didn’t have to straighten her out. 

• I didn’t have to make excuses for my bad behavior. 

• I just had to listen and it was healing for her. It was MORE healing than if I offered any solutions or excuses. 

• It allowed me to understand her better. It encouraged her to talk to me more. And the more I understood and earned her respect by listening, the advice I did give her was more helpful and she was more apt to listen to it. 

Because this is not natural for me to listen well, I have been practicing. Maybe you need to practice too. Here’s my ideas on HOW to do it: 

• Pay attention. That seems obvious but it is so easy to drift off to think about something on my to-do list, consider how to reply, or focus on how I feel about what they are saying. Instead I need concentrate on their words. I must practice being patient and not rush them along, assuming I know what they are going to say before they say it. I need to let them speak until they are done. Think of it as a test. If I was going to re-state what they just told me, would I be able to do it? 

• Tell them what I heard. Sometimes I misunderstand. I need to ask for their help in clarifying meaning. In marriage classes we learned a helpful trick of using a napkin. We would take a napkin and one of us would hold it. They would be the speaker. The other person is the listener. The person who held the napkin would speak until he said all he needed to say without any interruption. Then the other person, the listener, would repeat what they heard. The speaker would then make any needed clarifications. Then we would switch and the other person would hold the napkin and be the speaker. We use a tangible object to remind us who is speaking and who is listening. In the end, even if we did not agree, at least we felt heard and understood and that by itself is helpful. 

• Ask questions. We can ask: Why do you think that? How do you feel about what happened? We need to find out why a normal, good, rational person would say or do what they did. Allow them time to explain, set the stage, give all the information. Ask for more details. The most important question we can ask them is WHY to get to the root issue that often does not immediately emerge in conversations. This can help them understand their own motives and underlying feelings. 
  

• Suspend judgment. My judgment meter is always working evaluating what their motives are, wondering how they feel about me or would I have done what they did. The point is I don’t know their motives or how they feel about me. Since I am not living their life right now, I can’t imagine if I would have chose what they did. I have to ask them.
  

• Believe the best and NOT expect the worst. In every situation, I bring my own feelings, thoughts and assumptions into what I hear and that colors everything I believe. We judge others by past events, but also by how they look, what they wear, how they speak, and the manner in which they present themselves. We must be aware and capture that thought before it affects how we react to others. It is not fair. It’s prejudice and moms, we all do it without realizing it.
  

• Fight against becoming defensive, shutting down or becoming angry. This is difficult, especially when someone is accusing us of wrong doing, whether they are correct or not. It feels like a knife to the heart. Remember that often allowing others to speak it out loud to us can be healing to them. They are thinking it anyway. Aren’t you glad you know now how they feel, even if it hurts? If we are wrong, we can take this as an opportunity to confess and ask forgiveness. This can allow the hurt to dissipate for them. If we’re not wrong and they are missing some facts, we can share this better if we are not doing it in anger. It will be easier for them to hear. 
  

• Be kind, sympathetic and encouraging when they are done talking. Don’t offer advice. I should not unless they ask me what I think. Be hopeful and express confidence they will choose the right path. When I do these things, others will trust me and feel loved. They will be more likely to be kind and cooperative in return. 

Sometimes we do have to speak up. We need others to hear what we need from them. We talked about this last month at the our table, specifically how to get husbands off the couch and help us with the house and the kids. How can we get them to do what we say? 

First of all, I experience this at my house too. I feel your pain. I wonder: Why can’t my husband just do what I ask? I know some of you have husbands that actually do what you ask and for all of the rest of us here today may I say, we hate you. Ha. Just kidding. 

But our husbands are not puppies we can command and expect obedience. They have their own lives, concerns, struggles and sometimes, they don’t share it all with us. We are tempted to judge them and assume their motives. We think we already understand their thoughts. We fail to believe the best. So instead of going off on them, let’s ask them as they lay on the couch: 

Honey, did you have a bad day? Are you worried about something? Maybe you have been distracted and forgot it was your turn to empty the dishwasher. Could you please do that while I feed the baby so I can start dinner when I am done? Thanks so much. 

Sounds easy, right? Not so easy when you have to climb over the toys on the floor, the baby is crying and it’s a half hour past time to start dinner. You are frustrated and want to hit him by now, right? I get it. But when we start off with the frustrated tone, the guilt trip, or rolling our eyes at him, he may do as we say, but we have missed the chance to bless him and feed the relationship we want. 

So take a deep breath and get control of our emotions. Then try the "sandwich" approach. 

1. Be kind, ask about his day, how he feels. Find out why he is on the couch to begin with. 
2. Give him your request as a request, not as an order, believing the best that he loves you and wants to help. 
3. Be hopeful, thankful that he would stop whatever he is doing to help you. EVEN if he is only doing what he is supposed to do. Help him feel like a hero, not a puppy. Because you want to be married to the hero, not the puppy, right? 

Do I do this all the time? Nope. I don’t even have a baby crying and toys all over the floor at my house. It’s still just a goal of mine. Let me encourage you to make it a goal of yours too. 

 

Finally, as I thought about listening this week, I re-read these words Jesus spoke during His final week before His crucifixion. He said, “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let Me.” (Matthew 23:37) 

In that last week, Jesus reflected on everything He had taught and all the miracles He had done, and still His people did not understand who He was. They heard His words, they saw the signs and miracles but they were not listening. 

With Easter coming this month, we see signs of it everywhere. There are Easter Bunnies and stuffed yellow chicks. There are chocolate eggs and peeps and multicolored jelly beans. I know a bloody man with a crown of thorns hanging on a cross is not a family-friendly theme that sells but that is what Easter is about. It’s a holy day. A day to remember we can’t even listen well to the people we love. We are flawed and we can’t get it right all by ourselves. We need a hero, not a bunny, someone to save us. 

Jesus knew that so He came to us. He left the comfort of heaven and willingly took the punishment for our wrongs, to make us in right relationship with God. Then three days later, God proved Jesus was His Son by raising Him from the dead. 

Are we listening to Jesus? What does He say to us? 

In His last letter sent to His church, He said to them: “Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear My voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” (Revelation 3:20) “Anyone with ears to hear must listen to the Spirit and understand what He is saying” (Revelation 3:22) 

Are we listening to Him? Or are we are like the church Jesus was writing to in this letter? He said to them: “You say, ‘I am rich. I have everything I want. I don’t need a thing!’” (Revelation 3:17)

Maybe have felt self sufficient before but having babies exposes a much greater need in us moms. If we hadn’t realized it before, we realize now how limited we are, how much we need help. It is so easy to be frustrated and sharp with our children. We are often overwhelmed by everything we have to do, and how much we don’t know. We can’t be everything our children need and we desperately want to be. I know I wanted to be the perfect mom. But I found as hard as I tried, I could not. 

Jesus doesn’t scold us. He invites us to come to Him, to listen to Him. 

He says, “Come to Me, all of who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give rest. Take My yoke upon . Let Me teach , because I am humble and gentle at heart, and will find rest for r souls. For My yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

Jesus is the most important Person to listen to. But like listening to everyone else in our lives, it’s hard. So let's pray...

Jesus, thank You for knowing we needed a Savior, not a bunny! Thank You for the the great sacrifice You made to make us right with God. We want to be good moms, good wives, daughters, sisters and friends, but it is hard. Help us to be more attentive, patient, kind, respectful, not judging others and expecting the worst, but believing the best. Most of all, help us listen to You!

 

Questions To Think About: 

1. Do you find listening attentively and patiently difficult? Who in your life is the most difficult person to listen to? 



2. Which one of these do you need more practice on?
   • Paying attention, not thinking of a reply or believing you know what they are going to say
   • Fighting against becoming defensive
   • Believing the best and not expecting the worst
   • Being sympathetic and encouraging instead of giving advice
   • When you want your husband to help you, be kind, respectful and thankful when you ask him.



3. When you think of God, do you think of Him more in terms of giving commands or issuing invitations? What do you think of Jesus’ invitations Barbara spoke of here, to let Him into our homes to dine with us, or to come to Him with our burdens? How do you feel about that? How can we listen better to Jesus?

Everlasting

Luke 24:13-35

Most stories end with the death of the hero. Sometimes, there are protégées who carry on for them. In Jesus' case, His death was only the beginning of the story.

But for those who had been following Him, it did not seem that way at first. Jesus met two of them on the road, forlorn and confused at the events that just happened: the death of Jesus and the report of the empty tomb.

“You are foolish and slow to realize what is true. You should believe everything the prophets said. The prophets said the Messiah must suffer these things before He begins His time of glory.” Then He began to explain everything that had been written about Himself in the Scriptures. He started with the books of Moses and then He talked about what the prophets had said about Him. 

God's ways are not our ways, and so it is easy to be slow to realize what is true. But Jesus came to show us truth, to explain everything, to bring us into His everlasting story.

Let our reaction to what we do know about Jesus be like that of these two men from the road:

But they wanted Him to stay. They begged Him, “Stay with us...” So He went in to stay with them.

Jesus can't resist such an invitation, so of course, He stayed.  He is longing to hear such an invitation from us. He is longing to explain everything to us. All we have to do is open the scriptures and ask Him. Ask and we receive. It's a promise.

“When He talked to us on the road, it felt like a fire burning in us. How exciting it was when He explained to us the true meaning of the Scriptures!”

It will be exciting when He explains it to us too. It's the promise of the everlasting kingdom.

Triumph and Tragedy

Luke 19:28-44

For me, Palm Sunday was always the triumphal entry. It was the beautiful sunny day before the storm.

As I read Luke account again today, clearly I was mistaken. Although the disciples were rejoicing and praising God with shouts of "Blessed is the King who comes in the name of the Lord," the Pharisees are quick criticize them. "Teacher, rebuke Your disciples," they called to Jesus. Later these men  would orchestrate Jesus' arrest, trial and crucifixion,  So angry and intent on getting Jesus out of the way, they would later answer Pilate's taunt: "Shall I crucify your King?" with their reply, "We have no king but Caesar!" (John 19:16)  

Clearly the Pharisees were not hailing Jesus as King.

The disciples also were confused regarding exactly what Jesus was talking about. They shouted, "Peace in heaven and glory in the highest," but peace and glory would not come next.  Suffering and death were first.  The peace and glory would be accomplished by Jesus' death. Later it would spread throughout the world by leading to their own martyrs deaths. Eventually even the city would be destroyed. 

Triumph and peace, although ultimately certain, would not be the immediate result of Jesus' entry into the holy city.  Do not be mistaken. The triumph came through His suffering.  The true tragedy came because some remained blind to the miracle.

Luke records Jesus' weeping as He enters the city. I think of the birthday boy that ends up in tears at his own party. But for Jesus, here He is not sorrowful for selfish reasons, as He considers His agony and death.  No, instead, He wept for His beloved city, that would be physically present for this cataclysmic event, but spiritually blind and unable to see it.

Now as He drew near, He saw the city and wept over it, saying, “If you had known, even you, especially in this your day, the things that make for your peace! But now they are hidden from your eyes. For days will come upon you when your enemies will build an embankment around you, surround you and close you in on every side, and level you, and your children within you, to the ground; and they will not leave in you one stone upon another, because you did not know the time of your visitation.”

His visitation. They were right there and they missed it.

Like Easter this year.  It's all around us: pink fluffy rabbits, cute yellow chicks, chocolate eggs all in frilly baskets. It says Happy Easter, like it is a celebration of the season of Spring. But it is not. It is a Holy Day, a remembrance of the most important event in the history of man.  And they sit and color eggs and eat dinners with family. But they miss it.  They are right there and they miss the visitation.

Like Jesus, I want to weep.  

Jesus, still You went into the city and tried to tell them.  You tried to woo and win each person You touched, each person within the sound of Your voice. Even though You could not convince all of them, You still told all of them. You wept but did not despair. You did not give up.

Beloved, You know how bad I am at this, what a klutzy coward I am! You did not win all either, that is why You wept. Help me to have the wisdom to know what to say, how to love them and the courage to do it. And for the times it fails, remind me that Your tears mingle with my own.  

Easter Hunt

Having an Easter egg hunt this year?  Over 2000 years ago, Salome was a having a different kind of hunt…

Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so they could embalm him. Very early on Sunday morning, as the sun rose, they went to the tomb…

There they saw a young man sitting on the right side, dressed all in white. They were completely taken aback, astonished. He said,…“I know you’re looking for Jesus the Nazarene, the One they nailed on the cross. He’s been raised up; He’s here no longer. You can see for yourselves that the place is empty.” ~ Mark 16

Are you looking for God? That’s what Mary, Mary and Salome were doing.  They were expecting to find a dead body and instead they found an angel announcing the best news ever: their dear teacher and friend, Jesus, the one whom they witnessed His gruesome death, was alive! 

The empty tomb meant that Jesus was who He said He was: the Messiah, God as well man, the Lord who forgave sins and saves the lost.

And that is the point.  We search for God, but He is already here among us, already alive and waiting for us to turn to Him, return to Him.  He is looking for us and wants to bring us home!

Then Jesus told them a picture-story, saying, “What if one of you had one hundred sheep and you lost one of them? Would you not leave the ninety-nine in the country and go back and look for the one which was lost until you find it?  When you find it, you are happy as you carry it back on your shoulders.  Then you would go to your house and call your friends and neighbors. You would say to them, ‘Be happy with me because I have found my sheep that was lost.’  I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven because of one sinner who is sorry for his sins and turns from them, than for ninety-nine people right with God who do not have sins to be sorry for.” ~ Luke 15

 

God is not waiting for us to find Him. He is actively searching for us!  God is not searching for perfect people, “churchy” religious types. He is looking for people who know they fall short, of even their own values and feel lost.  God is looking for people who maybe look great on the outside, you know: Facebook-perfect people, but inside they are embarrassed by their own shortcomings. 

God is looking for you this Easter.  Give Him and the angels something to celebrate and come home.  He is waiting and listening to you.  He is only a prayer away. 


Read the complete story written by Jesus' dear friend John here.

The Promise of the Empty Tomb

What difference does it make? So the tomb was empty 2,000 years ago, but that was a long time ago, before cars and highways, before TVs and cell phones and 9-5 jobs. What does that mean to me today?

It means that Jesus was who He said He was. Any crazy person can say they are God, or make up stories about themselves. But when you are dead, all that is over and the truth comes out, as the truth usually does eventually. But Jesus rose from the grave. He was pierced and bloodied and beaten. And He was dead, wrapped in clothes in a tomb. But then He was alive again. Only God, could do such a thing. Jesus was God's Son, and death could not hold Him in its grip.

It means Jesus wasn't a loser who talked a bit too loud and a bit too long, and so the men in power killed Him. It means the words He spoke were truth, filled with power. And in the end, He was the one with the power, not those others who thought they could fool Him and get rid of Him.

It means that Jesus loves me. And you--all of us! He came not just to take over a country at a point in time.

No, that was much to small a task for Him. It means He came to release us from the power of sin, from the power of this world, and to gather us up in His love. He came to save all of us, during all periods of time. He came and paid the price for our sins so we would be restored in relationship with Him and be within Him some day forever.

Jesus is God. His is the power of Life and to Save. Jesus broke the power of sin and death. Jesus loves us.
It means that God came near to us not to take over the world, although He could have. He came to take over our hearts. Like a lover He swoops downs to us to rescue us. He wants nothing more than our love.

And my response is like Mary, to anoint Him with my worship and thanksgiving...

Then Mary took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume [worth a year’s wages]; she poured it on Jesus’ feet and wiped His feet with her hair. And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume. ~ John 12:3

And my response is like Thomas, to confess Him as Lord...


Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you!” Then He said to Thomas, “Put your finger here; see My hands. Reach out your hand and put it into My side. Stop doubting and believe.”

Thomas said to Him, “My Lord and my God!”

Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen Me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” ~ John 20:26-29

Even then, Jesus spoke of the blessing of those who believe today! I believe the tomb is still empty, that Jesus is worth everything, that He is Lord, and He is Love.

He has risen!

Mark 16:1-8

Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb and they asked each other, "Who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?"

We worry about goofy stuff. As they are walking to the tomb, they ask themselves this question. Actually, in the end, this question was irrelevant. Because Jesus was not there anyway. Certainly it was their love of God, and God's love for them that drew them there, but the details, they did not know.

God is a God of surprises. Sometimes He does not mean to surprise us. Here Jesus told them this was going to happen, but we can't get it, wrap our arms around it until it happens.

Jesus, You concurred death. You rose again. You are eternal and above death and Your Spirit will cause me also to rise to be with You forever. What a beautiful end to this story. You win, therefore we win.

"You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. See the place where they laid him. But go, tell his disciples and Peter, 'He is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him, just as he told you.' "

You rose and we tell. Go and tell. Father, encourage me to get busy about going and telling. Even if they will not hear it. Our response to such good news is to share it. Help me have courage to do this, Beloved.

on the third day He will restore us

... from Hosea 6:2

On Easter Sunday, Pastor Ed's message was titled, The God of the Third Day. I knew that a week ahead time, as he had been home resting restlessly and preparing his next sermon, so he had his title unusually early. On Friday, I had been doing PowerPoint for this message, complete with scriptures from through both testaments about the third day.

But Sunday morning, it hit me with a fresh and stirring revelation. Usually I am not one to be getting a prophesy, but it feels like it. Of course, I am never sure until it plays out, and I am just as doubtful as the next person in predicting future events. God seldom gives us such a glimpse. And yet this so stirred me, I am writing it here, safely hidden in plain sight in my blog. Perhaps God's purpose for this is just hope. More hope would be a good thing...

Three years ago, three Easters, to be exact, was our first service in the new building, in 2005. Hard to forget, because it was such as crush of work. The Good Friday service was in the old building, and many of us worked all day Saturday to ready the new sanctuary for it's first service, on Easter morning.

It was a stunning success. There was about 450 people in two services, and if numbers count, and they usually do, this was a phenomenon.

But the story continued, and as it sometimes does, it went downhill. From that great number, attendance declined, slightly at first, but it continued. Then Pastor Ed shared with us that he had Parkinson's. Then our youth pastor, PJoe, was put on the liver transplant list, for the third time. He entered surgery just before Christmas, and left in the arms of our Lord. Personally, the decline continued for me, as my oldest, precious, 18 year old daughter told me she was pregnant, then my Bible study co-leader told me she was to have a double mastectomy reconstruction for pre-breast cancer, followed by another beloved sister in Christ having cancer, followed by a crushing blow from other quarters.

Two years went by. The staff and the ministries limbed along. The numbers continued down, the financial situation worsened so much that the last two years, Pastor Ed sent a request for funds for year end.

But behind the scenes, there has been growth...great, solid, enthusiastic, gifted believers have been added to our midst. Finally, a youth pastor has been chosen.

Like the Palm Sunday entrance for Christ, it looked good at first and then the skies darkened and hope was beginning to die, for me at least. But this is our THIRD YEAR. And I believe in the miracle of the Third Day.

Beloved Jesus, please apply the principal to us this year!! Bestow on us Your power and mercy and wisdom this year, Beloved, that we may share it with our community, carry out Your plans, and further Your Kingdom. May Your Kingdom come!

Amen.