I judge people

My Mentor Moment given at the October 22, 2025 MomCo Meeting 

 

Hello, my name is Barbara, and I judge people. 

Before I became a mom, I was a normal, run-of-the-mill judger of people. I judged others based on what I saw immediately: their clothing, their size, their hair style. I judged them if they were younger than I, older than I, richer than I, poorer than I. I judged all of them. I mean, I assumed things about them before they ever spoke to me. I assumed their thoughts, motives and actions by their outward appearance. I judged if they were right or wrong; if they were wise or foolish. 

Then I got pregnant with my first child. 

At the time, I was a IT manager at IBM. When I started my career at IBM in 1977, the expectation was new-hires would stay until retirement and get a full pension with health care coverage. I excelled and was promoted there. I made life-long friends there. Leaving IBM seemed unthinkable. Plus I wondered how women could spend four or more years in college to land a fabulous job, only to abandon it when they had children. I loved my job, felt empowered by it, and fully intended to return to it after I gave birth. Of course, I’d take the first year off, then my husband offered to take the second year off. At least that was how I thought it would turn out. 

Then I gave birth. 

I didn’t understand how bonded I would become with my baby until I experienced it. Yes, I was lonely. Yes, I missed the mental stimulation and validation my career gave me. But I didn’t want to return either because that meant I would have to leave my baby. I did visit day care centers but that only made me feel worse. I probably did not visit a good one, and this was 37 years ago, but all I remember was a line of portable cribs, wailing infants, and harried child care workers. As I left, I hugged my baby tight promising her, “I’ll never leave you in a place like that!” 

Suddenly I found myself judging other moms who didn’t stay at home to care for their babies. What was the matter with them? 

My judging others did not stop there. I judged moms who did not punish their kids enough, or too much, or not in the way I was doing it. I judged what moms allowed their children to watch on TV, or the amount of TV they permitted. I judged moms who would allow their children to go trick or treating on Halloween in spooky costumes. I judged moms who pretended Santa was real to their young children. Shouldn’t Christmas be about Jesus? I even judged moms who used disposable diapers after I switched to cloth diapers with my second child. 

I hope you realize this is a confession of my guilt. I didn’t understand why every mom did not feel exactly like I did. 

The root of my problem was I neglected to factor in the special circumstances that led to my decision to resign from IBM to stay home with my daughter. During my maternity leave, my IBM department relocated to another state. This was not an option for my family. Plus IBM was downsizing for the first time and offered me an excellent by-out option that included a full year of salary and two years of medical benefits. Since I was employed for over ten years, my pension was vested and I knew I would receive a small pension at retirement. 

But the most significant reason was not financial. It was spiritual. When my daughter was six months old, I committed to following and serving Jesus in a way that was unique to anything I experienced before. Previously I believed Jesus was the son of God, that He was born of the virgin Mary, that He was crucified, died, buried and rose again on the third day. But that belief had made no practical difference in my life. Quite suddenly, after I made that commitment to Him, all my priorities changed. Suddenly it was very important to raise my children myself so I could instill in them a faith in Jesus. I was no longer willing to entrust that influence to others. 

My decision did have huge financial and career consequences. Immediately, our family income was cut in half. It impacted what I could buy for my children and myself. It severely limited our entertainment and vacation options. I was good with making those sacrifices. 

The PS is later, at age 50+ when I reentered the workplace to find full-time employment, I could not find a job at even half of my old salary. Since my work experience was in IT, a job sector that changed rapidly, my old career no longer existed. I still think staying home was the best choice for me and my family and I do not regret any loss. But these factors were unique to me and my family. No other mom had this exact situation. 

None of these crucial details could be seen as I strolled my baby in the park at 11 am in my t-shirt and sweat pants. If you saw me then, you could tell I was a stay-at-home mom by looking at me. But you would not know why. You would have had to ask me. 

Here’s my point. 

We all judge people. It is immediate, unbidden, normal, and even helpful in certain situations. I know that even this morning, you were aware that you would be judged today. I know because, look at you. You look fabulous. You took care in your appearance, and in your children’s, before you left your house. That’s why we shower, brush our teeth, comb our hair, apply makeup, and try on five different outfits to find the one that doesn’t make our butt look fat. We understand that we never get a second chance to make a first impression. 

And I know that I am being judged by you as well. That’s why I wrote down every word I am going to speak to you today and had Sandy proof read it. I know you are judging me, even before I opened my mouth this morning. Before I started to speak, you can see I am not like you. I am an old church lady that probably shops for her clothing at Wal-Mart, more like your mom than your friends. Everything I say will be colored by that. 

What I want to suggest is not that we stop judging others. We can’t help that. 

But we can have a second thought. 

• We can let the first judgment pass over us and NOT allow it to be the definitive judgment that colors all our future thoughts and interactions. We can be open to being wrong about our first impressions. 
• We can start from the belief that other people have a reasonable reason for making their choices and try to understand those reasons, even if they do not apply to our situation. Even when we disagree. 
• We can try to find out the WHY behind other people’s actions by asking them questions. 
• And then, we can listen to them with an open heart and mind. Especially when it comes to other moms. 

Here’s a recent example. There were two friend of mine who attended two different women’s Bible study groups I lead. It was an election year, and both thought they were being judged in the group meetings, or would be, if they spoke up with what they personally believed. Both decided to stop attending the group. 

One friend ghosted me. 

The other friend was open to having an honest conversation. In the end, there was significant disagreement, but at least there was understanding. We could respect each other’s opinions and disagree in a agreeable manner, and stay friends. 

The point is they felt I was judging them, but they were judging me for judging them. Get it? The truth was we were all working with our assumptions about other’s positions and motives until we talked openly and actually heard each other and worked towards true understanding. 

It works the other way too. Just because other moms do things differently, does not mean our ways are wrong. Part of why I judged other moms was my own insecurities. If other moms didn’t do things the way I did them, I was worried I was doing it wrong and was afraid I was messing up my daughters. The moms that agreed with me, validated me. The ones that didn’t, called into question my decisions. 

We are all different. We are in different situations, have different financial means, had different backgrounds. Our children have different dispositions, different needs, and different personalities. Even in our own households, we must remember each child is unique. The household your first child grew up in is not the same as your second child. Just the fact there are more people in the family is huge. 

Let’s remember: 

• We don’t have to be like other moms to be ok. As we choose to have that second thought and to ask questions, listen carefully, giving others grace, it will be easier to give grace TO ourselves. 
• We don’t have to judge our former selves either. It is good that we learn from each other and grow over time. We did the best we could with the knowledge and experience we had at the time. Our intentions were good, even if our actions were not perfect. 
• We can use our mistakes to model repentance as we admit our failures to our children and apologize. 

Moms, God gave us these children knowing we were imperfect. He’s not surprised. He has us covered! Let’s raise them with the confidence that we can do our imperfect best and that He will take it from there. Let’s be open to listen and learn from each other. We may even find out that we were wrong, and that is a good thing! 

Let’s give each other grace and not judgment. This will encourage us to be honest with each other and develop true friendships. 

Two of my favorite moms.

 As I was dressing this morning, I remembered it was three years ago, after the October MOPS meeting, that I went to visit my mom. She told me she was not feeling well and she was yellow, her eyes, her face. We went to the emergency room that evening and discovered she had pancreatic cancer. 

I used to judge my own mom as well. I judged her when she hurt my feelings, when she disappointed me, when she acted selfishly. In God’s great mercy, He helped me see I needed to forgive her, to stop judging her and instead enjoy her many good qualities. Those next three months, as we cared for her and watched her die, I was so grateful I had been able to forgive her and be able to enjoy her in the time we had left together. 

Maybe you have someone in your life who you need to stop judging and forgive so you can enjoy their good qualities. Because the time is always shorter than we think. 

But that’s hard. So let’s pray. 

Beloved Jesus, I confess to You that I continue to judge others! Remind me always to have that second thought, to ask why, to listen carefully and to have grace. Remind us that it is always better to forgive than it is to criticize. Give us the power of Your Holy Spirit to enjoy each other instead of judging each other. 

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)

How to Listen So That People Will Talk

This talk was given at the April 2025 MomCo Meeting. 

Recently I picked up a book entitled How to Talk so People Will Listen. I love to talk, and write, so it seemed interesting to me. 

When I was younger I loved reading the newspaper column by Dear Abby. People would write in a question, maybe a sentence or two, and Abby would write back and solve their problem in a brief paragraph. Don’t you wish life was like that? Submit your question and have someone give you a simple solution? Just do these five easy steps, or take a magic pill? Sign me up. 

Of course, that doesn’t work.

I was struck again by this uncomfortable fact as I read some of the questions you moms submitted to us mentor moms during this year. When we spoke to you at the February meeting we started with the disclaimer that many of these harder issues are best resolved by a counselor, coach or mentor that could talk with you one on one. However, I wanted to share with you more about it today. 

Instead of how to talk so people will listen, I want to encourage you to learn to listen so that people will talk. 

Because listening is important. 

As I read each question you submitted, I wanted to ask more questions. I needed to know more about your specific situation. How could I help you when I didn’t accurately understand the problem, know about the history behind it, and fully grasp how you are feeling? 

As my daughters passed from teens to adulthood, at first I continued what I did when they were younger. After they briefly told me their problem, I would give them my solution. I discovered this doesn’t work with adults. 

 Somehow I had believed the lie that if I said it loud enough, if I repeat it often enough, if I am logical, clever and manipulative enough, I can bully others to do what I say. Sometimes that works on five-year-olds, but most often, not even then. 

For one thing, life is complicated. Second, we need to earn the right to be heard. 

We need to listen in order to help people talk and tell us more. This is how we love them, how they learn to trust us, and how we earn their respect. It is how we know them well enough to be able to pour into their lives. 

The Bible authors also encourage this. 

 In the new testament, James 1:19 tells us: My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry 

The Old Testament Proverbs 18:13 also urges us to listen: To answer before listening— that is folly and shame. 

I have found listening is hard. 

• It is devastating when my mom rants on about the health crisis she is experiencing. 

• It is crushing when my daughter explains of how I hurt her as a teen. 

• It is annoying when my husband goes on and on in detail about how he repaired our car when I don’t understand and frankly don’t want to know, honey just fix it, thank you. Honestly I need to work on listening to my husband because my old habit is to tune him out. I hear "wat wat wat." It is bad. Entrenched habits are the worst. 

I had this revelation with my adult daughter: Just listening to her helped. 

• I didn’t have to solve her problem. 

• I didn’t have to straighten her out. 

• I didn’t have to make excuses for my bad behavior. 

• I just had to listen and it was healing for her. It was MORE healing than if I offered any solutions or excuses. 

• It allowed me to understand her better. It encouraged her to talk to me more. And the more I understood and earned her respect by listening, the advice I did give her was more helpful and she was more apt to listen to it. 

Because this is not natural for me to listen well, I have been practicing. Maybe you need to practice too. Here’s my ideas on HOW to do it: 

• Pay attention. That seems obvious but it is so easy to drift off to think about something on my to-do list, consider how to reply, or focus on how I feel about what they are saying. Instead I need concentrate on their words. I must practice being patient and not rush them along, assuming I know what they are going to say before they say it. I need to let them speak until they are done. Think of it as a test. If I was going to re-state what they just told me, would I be able to do it? 

• Tell them what I heard. Sometimes I misunderstand. I need to ask for their help in clarifying meaning. In marriage classes we learned a helpful trick of using a napkin. We would take a napkin and one of us would hold it. They would be the speaker. The other person is the listener. The person who held the napkin would speak until he said all he needed to say without any interruption. Then the other person, the listener, would repeat what they heard. The speaker would then make any needed clarifications. Then we would switch and the other person would hold the napkin and be the speaker. We use a tangible object to remind us who is speaking and who is listening. In the end, even if we did not agree, at least we felt heard and understood and that by itself is helpful. 

• Ask questions. We can ask: Why do you think that? How do you feel about what happened? We need to find out why a normal, good, rational person would say or do what they did. Allow them time to explain, set the stage, give all the information. Ask for more details. The most important question we can ask them is WHY to get to the root issue that often does not immediately emerge in conversations. This can help them understand their own motives and underlying feelings. 
  

• Suspend judgment. My judgment meter is always working evaluating what their motives are, wondering how they feel about me or would I have done what they did. The point is I don’t know their motives or how they feel about me. Since I am not living their life right now, I can’t imagine if I would have chose what they did. I have to ask them.
  

• Believe the best and NOT expect the worst. In every situation, I bring my own feelings, thoughts and assumptions into what I hear and that colors everything I believe. We judge others by past events, but also by how they look, what they wear, how they speak, and the manner in which they present themselves. We must be aware and capture that thought before it affects how we react to others. It is not fair. It’s prejudice and moms, we all do it without realizing it.
  

• Fight against becoming defensive, shutting down or becoming angry. This is difficult, especially when someone is accusing us of wrong doing, whether they are correct or not. It feels like a knife to the heart. Remember that often allowing others to speak it out loud to us can be healing to them. They are thinking it anyway. Aren’t you glad you know now how they feel, even if it hurts? If we are wrong, we can take this as an opportunity to confess and ask forgiveness. This can allow the hurt to dissipate for them. If we’re not wrong and they are missing some facts, we can share this better if we are not doing it in anger. It will be easier for them to hear. 
  

• Be kind, sympathetic and encouraging when they are done talking. Don’t offer advice. I should not unless they ask me what I think. Be hopeful and express confidence they will choose the right path. When I do these things, others will trust me and feel loved. They will be more likely to be kind and cooperative in return. 

Sometimes we do have to speak up. We need others to hear what we need from them. We talked about this last month at the our table, specifically how to get husbands off the couch and help us with the house and the kids. How can we get them to do what we say? 

First of all, I experience this at my house too. I feel your pain. I wonder: Why can’t my husband just do what I ask? I know some of you have husbands that actually do what you ask and for all of the rest of us here today may I say, we hate you. Ha. Just kidding. 

But our husbands are not puppies we can command and expect obedience. They have their own lives, concerns, struggles and sometimes, they don’t share it all with us. We are tempted to judge them and assume their motives. We think we already understand their thoughts. We fail to believe the best. So instead of going off on them, let’s ask them as they lay on the couch: 

Honey, did you have a bad day? Are you worried about something? Maybe you have been distracted and forgot it was your turn to empty the dishwasher. Could you please do that while I feed the baby so I can start dinner when I am done? Thanks so much. 

Sounds easy, right? Not so easy when you have to climb over the toys on the floor, the baby is crying and it’s a half hour past time to start dinner. You are frustrated and want to hit him by now, right? I get it. But when we start off with the frustrated tone, the guilt trip, or rolling our eyes at him, he may do as we say, but we have missed the chance to bless him and feed the relationship we want. 

So take a deep breath and get control of our emotions. Then try the "sandwich" approach. 

1. Be kind, ask about his day, how he feels. Find out why he is on the couch to begin with. 
2. Give him your request as a request, not as an order, believing the best that he loves you and wants to help. 
3. Be hopeful, thankful that he would stop whatever he is doing to help you. EVEN if he is only doing what he is supposed to do. Help him feel like a hero, not a puppy. Because you want to be married to the hero, not the puppy, right? 

Do I do this all the time? Nope. I don’t even have a baby crying and toys all over the floor at my house. It’s still just a goal of mine. Let me encourage you to make it a goal of yours too. 

 

Finally, as I thought about listening this week, I re-read these words Jesus spoke during His final week before His crucifixion. He said, “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let Me.” (Matthew 23:37) 

In that last week, Jesus reflected on everything He had taught and all the miracles He had done, and still His people did not understand who He was. They heard His words, they saw the signs and miracles but they were not listening. 

With Easter coming this month, we see signs of it everywhere. There are Easter Bunnies and stuffed yellow chicks. There are chocolate eggs and peeps and multicolored jelly beans. I know a bloody man with a crown of thorns hanging on a cross is not a family-friendly theme that sells but that is what Easter is about. It’s a holy day. A day to remember we can’t even listen well to the people we love. We are flawed and we can’t get it right all by ourselves. We need a hero, not a bunny, someone to save us. 

Jesus knew that so He came to us. He left the comfort of heaven and willingly took the punishment for our wrongs, to make us in right relationship with God. Then three days later, God proved Jesus was His Son by raising Him from the dead. 

Are we listening to Jesus? What does He say to us? 

In His last letter sent to His church, He said to them: “Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear My voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” (Revelation 3:20) “Anyone with ears to hear must listen to the Spirit and understand what He is saying” (Revelation 3:22) 

Are we listening to Him? Or are we are like the church Jesus was writing to in this letter? He said to them: “You say, ‘I am rich. I have everything I want. I don’t need a thing!’” (Revelation 3:17)

Maybe have felt self sufficient before but having babies exposes a much greater need in us moms. If we hadn’t realized it before, we realize now how limited we are, how much we need help. It is so easy to be frustrated and sharp with our children. We are often overwhelmed by everything we have to do, and how much we don’t know. We can’t be everything our children need and we desperately want to be. I know I wanted to be the perfect mom. But I found as hard as I tried, I could not. 

Jesus doesn’t scold us. He invites us to come to Him, to listen to Him. 

He says, “Come to Me, all of who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give rest. Take My yoke upon . Let Me teach , because I am humble and gentle at heart, and will find rest for r souls. For My yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

Jesus is the most important Person to listen to. But like listening to everyone else in our lives, it’s hard. So let's pray...

Jesus, thank You for knowing we needed a Savior, not a bunny! Thank You for the the great sacrifice You made to make us right with God. We want to be good moms, good wives, daughters, sisters and friends, but it is hard. Help us to be more attentive, patient, kind, respectful, not judging others and expecting the worst, but believing the best. Most of all, help us listen to You!

 

Questions To Think About: 

1. Do you find listening attentively and patiently difficult? Who in your life is the most difficult person to listen to? 



2. Which one of these do you need more practice on?
   • Paying attention, not thinking of a reply or believing you know what they are going to say
   • Fighting against becoming defensive
   • Believing the best and not expecting the worst
   • Being sympathetic and encouraging instead of giving advice
   • When you want your husband to help you, be kind, respectful and thankful when you ask him.



3. When you think of God, do you think of Him more in terms of giving commands or issuing invitations? What do you think of Jesus’ invitations Barbara spoke of here, to let Him into our homes to dine with us, or to come to Him with our burdens? How do you feel about that? How can we listen better to Jesus?

How to Raise a Godly Child

When my first daughter was exactly six months old, while attending a Christian conference, I committed my life to Christ. It revolutionized my world. 

Since I was a new mom at the time, my deepest desire was to figure out how to raise a godly child. Since I was new to the Bible, I simply looked up the word "children" and I found this gem.

It was from Moses' last address to the Israelites before they entered the Promise Land. It is the prayer most Jews still pray daily, the Shema.  

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.
Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.
Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
(Deuteronomy 6:4-9)

So that is what I did. As we went on with our day, we had Jesus spottings. I'd say, "Look, Jesus is making all the trees bloom now, isn’t it beautiful"... "Jesus is making a lovely sunset for us all to enjoy" ... "I am so thankful Jesus is healing your cold" ...  "Let's thank Jesus that He gave us good friends and a warm house tonight" etc.  

I talked about about Jesus like He is the uncle who lives far away, and we only talk to him on the phone. Because Jesus really is alive. This persuaded them to view Jesus as a real person who sees us, hears us and cares for us. True religion is not something you do on Sunday at church. It is how we act every day.

It is important to pursue God yourself. Let them watch you pray, read your Bible, being kind when others are mean, being generous, thankful, gentle, and respectful even with people with whom you do not agree. 

Of course pray for your children but also with them. Pray with them as they tell you their concerns, right then and there, bring their concerns to Jesus. Let them hear you pray out loud for them. 

We had prayer triggers. We would pray before meals, but also as we started our day driving to school in the car or when we went on a trip. We would pray at night a prayer I made up to remind them to be thankful but also to soothe them and remind them of God's care for them while they slept. 

Here is our Goodnight Prayer:

Zachary and Ella ready for bed

Thank You Jesus for today,
we got to laugh and sing and play.
Now it’s time to go to bed,
the angels sit beside my head
and watches me the long dark night
and wakes me in the morning light. Amen. 

There is much negative information and influences in our culture, so as much as possible, add wholesome and Biblical messages. Listen to worship music in the car.  Read Bible story books to them. When picking videos, add godly ones to the mix.

Because it does take a village, it is vital to find and attend a local Bible-believing church. Get involved with children's activities and youth group. It will help for your children to have friends that follow Christ. You need that too! 

As they grow, remember faith is always their choice. Jesus invites all and forces none. We as mothers are to be faithful to teach and love them. And then we pray because the work of faith is always done by the Holy Spirit.

Marriage Hacks

Presented at The MomCo Meeting on March 2024

Good morning moms! Every month Shantell has been providing us with some excellent hacks. Today I am going to provide you with some Marriage hacks. These are favorite tips my husband and I learned from marriage classes we attended and also from the marriage mentoring materials provided to us by our church.

When we were engaged, wise people told me that in order for our marriage to work, we needed to “work” on our relationship. I had no idea what work they were talking about. My fiance was a good man. Our backgrounds were similar. We had been together for over a year so we knew each other well. We were in love. What could go wrong?

Looking in the rear view mirror 43 years later, I realize love does not cure all problems. I now know what they meant and I want to be specific with you today. Nothing is better at this stage of my life than being with the man who I spent my youth with, who knows me, loves me and has stood by me in good times and bad, when we were rich and when we were poor, in sickness and in health. I want the same for all of you. But this takes work.

Hubby and granddaughter Ella

Before I was married, I thought true love meant my husband would understand me and would know what I needed and how to make me feel loved. This is a big lie. In general, men need to be told what we need and how they can love us in the way we need to be loved. They are bad at guessing. Actually we all are. So we need to tell them. Maybe multiple times. It’s ok. It does not mean they love us any less. They just can’t know what is in our heads unless we tell them.

We all marry with our own expectations of how life will be and it is frustrating when our lives together are not what we expected. Today this is exaggerated by social media because others only post the highlight reels of their lives, not the normal messy parts. We look at others and want what they have, or what they SEEM to have on Instagram!

Often we don’t even realize our expectations until we are disappointed. When we mentored engaged couples, one of our goals was to help them share their expectations on different aspects of life before they married. For you moms, it is more complicated now, but it is still helpful to think about what our expectations are and share them with our husbands. Take some time for personal reflection to clarify those unmet expectations. Ask yourself: What do you want? What do you need?

It is vital to tell our husband how to please us, how they can make us feel loved because they WANT to make us happy. They probably just don’t know HOW. We need to help them out. But HOW we tell them can make all the difference!

So here are four hacks to communicate with your husband in a constructive way:

1. Avoid Criticism: Criticizing your husband is different than voicing a complaint. Sharing our concern about a specific issue is good and valuable to the relationship. However what we don’t want to do is attack our husband’s character. That is criticism. Listen to the examples to hear the difference:

• Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never think of me!”

• Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”

Do you hear the difference? Criticism attacks a person’s character. Instead we want to focus on a specific behavior.

A better alternative is to express your concern or complaint without blame, while being gentle and respectful. Avoid saying “you,” which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express what you need in a positive way. A good way to prepare yourself is to ask these questions: What do I feel? What do I need?

Here’s another example:

• Criticism: “You always talk about yourself. Why are you always so selfish?”

• Better Alternative: “I’m feeling left out of our talk tonight and I need to vent too. Can we please talk about my day?”

Notice that the better alternative starts with “I feel,” leads into “I need,” and then respectfully asks to fulfill that need. There’s no blame or criticism so the discussion does not escalate into an argument.

Remember, the relationship is always more important than the issue at hand. Life is complicated and so many issues can seems to have a life of their own. These problems seem to be a huge obstacle between the two of you. Instead put the problem IN FRONT of the two of you, NOT BETWEEN the two of you. Remember, you are on the same team. The problem is the enemy, not our husband. Working together we will have a much better chance to overcome whatever comes our way.

2. Avoid Contempt: When we communicate contempt, we are being truly mean. This is when we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic, or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. When we do this, our goal, whether we want to admit it or not, is to win the argument by making our husband feel despised and worthless.

Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your husband’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them: Here’s an example:

“You’re ‘tired?’ Cry me a river. I’ve been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games. I don’t have time to deal with another kid. Could you be any more pathetic?”

The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship. Start by thinking about things to be grateful about. Consider where you take him for granted. There is always something good if you look for it. Then if you begin a habit to verbalize your gratitude, appreciation, affection, and respect for your husband, you’ll create a positive perspective in your relationship that acts as a buffer when negative feelings arise. The more positive you feel, the less likely that you’ll express contempt. Here’s another example:

• Contempt: “You forgot to load the dishwasher again? Ugh. You are so incredibly lazy.” (Rolls eyes.)

• Better Alternative: “I understand that you’ve been busy lately, but could you please remember to load the dishwasher when I work late? I’d appreciate it.”

Again, put the problem in front of you both, not between you. Your husband is NOT the enemy. The problem is. Solve the problem, attack the problem together, do NOT attack him.

3. Avoid Defensiveness: This is typically a response to criticism. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our husband will back off.

Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses tell our husband that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes. Defensiveness can escalate the conflict instead of resolving the issue at hand. Here’s an example:

• Question: “Did you call Jessica and Rob to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”

• Defensive response: “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?”

This defensive response also reverses the blame in an attempt to make it the other spouse’s fault. A better response is to express acceptance of responsibility and an admission of fault, even if only for part of the conflict. This will demonstrate that we care by listening and understanding our husband’s perspective:

• Better Alternative: “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. That’s my fault. Let me call them right now.”

Here’s another example:

• Defensiveness: “It’s not my fault that we’re going to be late. It’s your fault since you always get dressed at the last second.”

• Better Alternative: “I don’t like being late, but you’re right. We don’t always have to leave so early. I can be a little more flexible.”

By taking responsibility for part of the conflict (trying to leave too early), even while asserting that we don’t like to be late, we prevent the conflict from escalating by admitting our own role in the conflict. From here we can more easily work towards a compromise.

We must be responsive to his needs as well as expecting him to respond well to ours. This encourages good will in our relationships.

4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs when one withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their spouse. Rather than confronting the issues, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.

Unfortunately, stonewalling isn’t easy to stop. It is a usually a result of feeling flooded with emotions to such a degree that we become physically affected and we just can’t discuss things rationally.

If you feel like you’re stonewalling during a conflict, stop the discussion and ask your husband to take a break. Here’s an example:

“Alright, I’m feeling too angry to keep talking about this. Can we please take a break and come back to it in a bit? It’ll be easier to work through this after I’ve calmed down.”

Then take at least 20 minutes to do something alone that soothes you— take a walk, read a book or magazine, just do anything that helps to stop feeling flooded with emotions—and then return to the conversation once you feel ready. It is also good to examine your own heart: what exactly is upsetting you, what your expectations are, what you need, where might you be responsible for part of the problem, etc. It’s crucial that during this time you avoid thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take this anymore”) and innocent victimhood (“Why is he always picking on me?”).

After you are calm enough to listen to him and respond with gentleness and respect, make sure to return to the issue and work towards resolving it.

But what do you do if your husband is the one doing these things? The hard answer is: YOU GO FIRST. This is where the hard “work” comes in. Gently and respectfully explain how his method of problem solving is hurtful to you, damaging your relationship and not solving the problem. We can’t avoid complaints. But we can complain in ways that are more loving and therefore more effective. Our goal is a good long-lasting life together and that will involve personal change and growth. And you can be the adult and go first.

The process of working on our marriage is hard. It is humbling to put the needs of others first, to consider their feelings, listen to their needs, and to be forgiving when bad behavior repeats. The good news is this work will make us more patient, more gentle, more compassionate, more respectful. This becomes an inner beauty that does not dim with age but glows brighter. It is good not only for our marriage but it is spiritually and emotionally healing for ourselves. 

So devote yourself to the work. It is good for your marriage, for your children, and for you.

The Most Important Christmas Tradition

What is your favorite holiday tradition? 

I have a favorite Christmas tradition, one I did with my daughters, my grandson, and now with my granddaughter this year. My first baby was born on Christmas Eve. Needless to say, Christmas has always been a very busy time for our family since then. On her second Christmas, she was one year old, and not only did I have to plan for Christmas but also her first birthday party. I'm sure you can all relate. 

What changed our Christmas celebration trajectory was something that happened exactly six months after her birth on June 24, 1988. That was the day of my spiritual awakening. Some of you may know what that is like, some of you would call it a "born-again" experience. For me, it felt similar to my first romance. I felt joyful and light. I wanted to tell everyone about it, even though most other people I told did not understand. And I wanted to know everything about my new love, who was Jesus. So I looked in the best place where I could find out about Him, the Bible. 

At the time, the knowledge I wanted most was how to be a good mom, since the whole mothering thing was new to me and I had no idea what I was doing. I started at the beginning of the Bible and I found this instruction that was gold and I determined to follow it. It is from Deuteronomy 6:4-7:

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 

This made sense to me at the time, and now in retrospect, I realize how important it was to teach our children about God as they naturally go about their days. It is good also to bring your children to church for instructions, it is great if they have grandparents or aunts and uncles to also tell them about God. 

But moms, it is of vital importance that YOU tell them yourself as you wake them up in the morning, as you put them to bed at night, as you drive them around. It is most impactful to them to lead by your own example of faith. Anyone one who had a toddler knows they model your behavior, the good and the bad. 

So I took this seriously. And when Christmas came around, I was diligent to teach them the story of Christmas. My mother-in-law made this easy for me because she had given me a Nativity set with plastic people. I used these plastic people to tell the story of Jesus to my children. 

 • I told them about how the angel Gabriel came to Mary to announce to her that she would be blessed to be the mother of the Son of God. And Mary said Yes! 

• I explained how the angel then came to Joseph in a dream to tell him that he should marry Mary and to name the baby Jesus. And Joseph said Yes! 

• I used the donkey to show the long ride to Bethlehem and how Joseph knocked on doors asking, Any rooms? 

• Finally Mary and Joseph had their baby Jesus in a barn and she put Jesus asleep in the hay. 

• Also I told them the story of the shepherds at night in the fields watching their sheep and how the angels announced the news of great joy about the baby Jesus. And the shepherds said, Let's go see!

• Finally I told them about the wise men from far away who came to find and worship baby Jesus. They gave Him three gifts, gold, frankincense and myrrh. 

We used the plastic Nativity people each year to re-tell the story as we put together the manger scene and talked about God's love for us. I encouraged them to imagine the great and awesome God who created the heavens and earth, who knows the name of every star, yet also knows the numbers of hairs on your head, who created each type of animal, each blade of grass, each drop of water in the ocean, that God, loved us so much He became human to live among us.

Jesus could have come any TIME He wanted. He could have come in 2023 and been a Tik-Tok influencer in the age of the internet and air planes and indoor plumbing. How easy it would have been for Him to spread His message and become famous! 

But instead the time He chose was when the best mode of travel was a donkey and the best message delivery system was to speak from the top of a hill. 

Jesus could have come any WAY He wanted. He could have come as the son of a powerful king, or the son of a wealthy and honored rabbi. He could have come like the angels did, out of the sky, like a mighty warrior dressed in blazing glory. 

But instead, He chose a poor young girl, allowed her to travel far away from family and friends, to give birth in a barn surrounded by animals. Jesus came as a baby, and we all know what that means, right? He could not feed Himself, dress Himself, burp Himself or clean Himself. Plus there was no mom there for Mary, to remind her, "don't forget to support his head!" Or to say, "let me come over for the first time and show you how to give him a bath." Jesus allowed Himself to be helpless and trusted a teenage girl with His life. 

Why in the world did Jesus do that? 

Because He loves us. Because it was important for Him to relate to us. For Jesus to understand what it was like to be human by becoming one of us. For Him to be worthy for the sacrifice He would be making later on our behalf. 

And for us to have the option of faith. We choose to believe Him. Or not. He wants our love and He invites us, but He will not force us. 

Now the rest of the traditions are fun too and we enjoy them, but for our family, we were so busy we forgot to tell our children about Santa Claus. So we just never did. 

But honestly I do have this one problem with the way we use Santa to keep our children from going over the deep end in all the Christmas excitement. We tell them Santa comes ONLY for the GOOD little girls and boys. That he sees them when they are sleeping, knows when they're awake. He knows if they have been bad or good. And I get it, moms, no judgment from me! I am down for "whatever works". 

Jesus was just the opposite. Jesus not only came to show us all what God was really like. He came to all BAD girls and boys. And not to give us coal in our Christmas stockings. No, rather He came to provide us with forgiveness and to reconcile and restore our relationship with God. And honestly, we are ALL bad girls and boys. 

Just to prove the point, let me ask: 

Who of you have never, in your life, done anything wrong? Anything that violates your OWN moral code of conduct? Could you claim you are perfectly good? 

No?

Me neither. Matter of fact, if you give me 20 minutes I will say or do something wrong. So I'd better wrap this up then. 

Jesus came not only to live with us but also to pay the debt for all the things we did wrong. Not to look the other way, mind you and say to us, "that's ok sweetheart, you do you." 

No, He paid the price instead of us so that we could be with a holy God in heaven forever and empower us to live better while we are here. 

Click here for the original Christmas story in a translation that will be easy for your young child to understand. If you need to hear it again or hear it for the first time, please read it. Think about it. Be like the most famous mom in history, Mary of Nazareth, and treasure it in your heart. 

I encourage you this Christmas to share with your children the most miraculous story ever told, how God loved you and your children so much that He left the glory of paradise to be a baby and grow up, as an average child, just like the little one you love at home. The awesome God in a tiny baby's body. What is a better story than that? 

======= 

Here's a question for you. 

It is interesting to read how different people reacted to the birth of Jesus. Mary and Joseph both said YES to the angel despite the hardships they would encounter. The shepherds were excited and came to see Jesus. The wise men brought gifts to honor and worship Jesus. 

But King Herod tried to find Jesus to murder Him. The gospel of Matthew 2:16 tells us: "Herod realized that the Wise Men had tricked him. So he became very angry. He gave orders about Bethlehem and the area around it. He ordered all the boys two years old and under to be killed. This agreed with the time when the Wise Men had seen the star." 

How do you react to the story of Jesus' birth? 

• Excited and joyful 

• Grateful 

• Worshipful 

• Indifferent 

• Skeptical 

• Offended 

• Hostile

Intentional

Usually I start the year with a "Word of the Year" but it seemed like this year I was too absorbed with my mom, her illness and then her passing. At first that seemed to be my default word of the year: death. 

However that does not honor my mom. My mom was very intentional about life. She was always trying to better herself, move forward, right up to the end when she started to say she was "fading away." It was then when she knew and accepted her next step would be death. While I needed and wanted to be by her side at that time, now I need to go in a different direction. 

So as I wrote this years September mentor moment, I realize these MOPS themes are not just for the new moms, they are for me.

Now I am in the autumn of my life. Not that I am complaining, autumn is a beautiful season. It may be closer to the end, but it is not over yet! It seems even more important to be intentional about what I say yes to and what I walk away from. Even in September it is not too late for a Word of the Year! 

Jesus, please help me be more intentional with my life!

* * *

from the MOPS September Mentor Moment

When the Montclair MOPS group first started over 20 years ago, I was close friends with the woman who organized it. At that time, my two daughters were already in elementary school and I thought, how wonderful it would have been to have a MOPS group when my daughters were newborns. When my first was born, I was 32 years old and knew nothing about navigating life as a new mom. My life revolved around my career. Most of my friends were people I worked with. Even the Bible study I attended at the time was with my co-workers. When I was at home alone with my new baby I was like a ship unmoored. To tell you the truth, initially, I didn’t think I would survive. I was surprised by how hard it was. I was startled by how lonely I felt. Each stage seemed to last forever. And I was stunned that after each stage had passed, how passionately I missed it, even the ones that were difficult at the time.

I stayed at home with my daughters until they went to pre-school and then I worked part time and eventually full time. I retired in July 2022. Barely two months had passed when Sandy asked me to join the MOPS team as a mentor mom, and I was thrilled to say yes!

Matter of fact, that is the theme for MOPS this year: Say Yes!

I will grant you that it is easy to say yes for me today because my children are grown and I’m retired. It’s a lot harder as a mom with littles. Most days are NO NO NO! No, you don’t put that in your mouth! No, you can’t watch another video. No, we don’t hit our brother. No, I’m too busy and can’t meet you for coffee. No, I am too tired tonight honey. Finally, it’s No you can’t borrow the car … but that’s for another day.

This year MOPS is encouraging us to add YES to our vocabulary. Agreed, we need to avoid people-pleasing or over-extending ourselves. In fact, it’s the opposite. It’s about understanding our goals and moving through life on purpose.

And it’s not only about mothering, it’s about everything: our friendships, marriage, our extended family, and work. We can get so caught up in the urgent demands of the day-to-day, and then years go by and we realize we haven’t been making the small choices that will get us where we actually wanted to be. Too often, our ‘yeses’ are default decisions we aren’t even intentionally making or we say yes to the stuff we feel obligated to do.

Our MOPS Theme Bible verse this year is: Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin… (from the prophet Zechariah 4:10 NLT)

What if we started out with small steps, being intentional to say ‘yes’ to the important things? Yes, to parenting on purpose. Yes, to significant challenges and out-of-our-comfort-zone opportunities. Yes, to carving out time for our marriage. And yes to invitations to connect with others.

Developing a ‘yes’ mindset is living intentionally, focused on our goals for ourselves and our families. Specifically, we want to practice saying yes in three areas:

1. Befriend Discomfort

As mothers, we are no strangers to discomfort. Just the entrance of our baby into the world was extremely discomforting, to say the least. Everything we do seems sacrificial. What if we saw the discomfort and the sacrifices as a blessing instead of a curse? What if it is an opportunity instead of a failure? What if we saw the problem as a challenge with potential for good? Maybe the dead end is really a new beginning.

We have this one life. Do we want to spend it regretting the things we didn’t do? Avoiding awkward situations? Procrastinating until opportunity passes us by? Distracted by mourning prior seasons of our lives?

What if the way forward is to embrace difficult things instead of avoiding them? Befriending Discomfort is a life hack that can improve every area of our lives. Tackling challenges can help us become more confident and more courageous. When we take that first step we start to feel less fragile and less stressed. Opportunity can pass us by while we wait until we feel ‘ready’ or qualified or when all the details come together perfectly. Instead let’s step forward and do it afraid. And let’s invite our kids along for the thrill that comes with doing hard things.

James, the brother of Jesus sums it up perfectly when he stated (in James 1:2-4 NIV)

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

Yes, I want to be mature and complete, don’t you? Honestly there is no way around it. Mothering is hard. It’s exhausting, stressful, frustrating and even painful. You have to do the hard things anyway. Welcome each challenge knowing it will change you for the good.

2. Be Easily Delighted

The other side of mothering is it is incredibly wonderful if you have the eyes to see it. But that sense of delight is the first thing to go between midnight feedings, changing poopy diapers, piles of dirty dishes, stacks of unpaid bills, plus worrying about doing things right. But we can change all of that when we learn to look for the lovely. We can learn to love what must be done and be captivated by simple things like the smell of our kids’ hair and our husband’s glances across the room. It’s all decadent when we take the time to stop and really notice. This year let’s pray for God’s help to be easily delighted with the small things because the small things are the big things.

Our Bible verse from King David’s Psalm 18:19 reminds us of God’s feelings for us:

He brought me out into a spacious place. He rescued me because He delighted in me. (Psalm 18:19 NIV)

If God can find delight is this broken world and in us when we up to knees in dirty laundry, we can surely find delight in our children and our lives.

3. Be Here Now

Our culture tells us it’s all up to us. And while we certainly want to do our best, we must acknowledge that most of life is out of our control. Let’s replace the urge to have a death-grip every possible outcome with the humble surrender that our best will have to suffice. This year let’s remember our direction is more important than our speed. Let’s not let hurry and worry rob us of our time in this sweet season of our lives. Instead, let’s trust God will provide for our every need, and that means we can tend to our kids, marriage, home, friendships, neighborhood, and the work God has given us and take the time to enjoy ourselves while we are doing it.


In Matthew 6:26-27 Jesus Himself reminds us of God’s care for all the details of our lives:

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? (Matthew 6:26-27 NIV)

Now I have been married for 42 years, a mother for 35 years and a grandmother for 17 years. In the end not only did I survive, but my memories of mothering are the sweetest of my life. I do not regret any sacrifice. What I want to offer you, dear moms, is perspective and encouragement because mothering is hard. It not sexy, the pay is bad, and they don’t give awards. But I am convinced mothering is the most important aspect of our lives. When I look at my family today, I am so grateful I did the hard things, that I took the time to enjoy my children and that I chose to trust God for what I could not control. Which was quite a lot. I have found God has been faithful.

My own mom passed away earlier this year. We were very fortunate as she lived an active life until she was sick briefly and then passed at age 94. I think about what she has left me. Oh, we did get some money, nice jewelry, and way too many collectibles. But the most important things she left us we can’t see or touch: it was her love, kindness, generosity, her courage, and her passion for life. Those things are inside me now and I can’t lose them. I want to pass on those things too, but I need to be intentional to do it. I need to say yes to the right things. I pray this year we can help each other figure that out together.

I am excited for this year at MOPS and I am honored to be part of this team who are dedicated to serving moms. We know you want to get it right and we want to support you. We promise to provide you with practical information and the most delicious brunch in New Jersey.

I pray that you will find a supportive and loving community of moms here at MOPS. The other mentor moms and I would be happy to meet with you outside of MOPS or right after our meeting, to discuss any questions you may have on parenting, marriage or about your spiritual journey. We love listening to small questions or big life questions, and we firmly believe there are no stupid questions. Maybe you just need a listening ear or someone to vent to. We are here for you.

If you live in northern New Jersey and are interested in joining us, visit montclair.church/mops 

If you are not, then visit mops.org to find a local group near you.

Someday When I am Old

By a Not Yet Old Mom. 

For the Health and Happiness of my Children.

This was written by Verdell Davis of One Hope Ministries on the her 60th birthday. I did not write it but I wish I did. To my sweet daughters, I hope you read this as if I wrote it directly for you~

It’s my birthday. On this day, being of sound mind, the soundness of which is always debatable, but while I am thinking clearly enough to write these words, I write to you about… 

SOMEDAY WHEN I AM OLD, I mean really old…certainly older than SIXTY…unless, of course, I die before I have a chance to get old…but Someday When I Am Old, I may become quite difficult. While I hope I will age gracefully and pleasantly, none of us can know how illness or injury or pain will impact our lives. I cannot know if dementia will one day control my thinking. 

Or if loneliness will drive me to expect more of you than you can give. So, just in case that difficult me should arise someday when I am old, I want to prepare you – and release you from thinking your job is to keep me happy. 

I may lash out at the people who love me most in an attempt to get someone to give me back my life! But, you who love me most, that’s not your job. I may not have the capacity of acceptance, but you will. Accept that someday when I am old, I will be old. And with old comes unwelcome changes. 

NO ONE CAN PUT LIFE BACK THE WAY IT WAS. 

DON’T TRY. 

Ask God to help you know the line to walk between touching me with your loving care and living your own life. DO NOT let caring for me make you old before your time! Your family, your calling in life, your commitments, your spiritual journey, your health and well-being MUST NOT be neglected. Your tendency will be to overdo for me. Please don’t. Practice what I have learned to call “detachment without abandonment.” 

I may refuse to take my pills. I may complain when I should be saying “Thank you.” I may think someone, or everyone, is out to get me. I may become obsessive over the strangest of things and demand something my way or else! Trust your wisdom, do what you must, and understand that my demands are coming from a place I can’t control. 

Find the care I need and don’t put it on yourself, even if I beg you to “keep me.” Make the decisions the old me should not be making, and do not feel guilty for one moment. Feel free to laugh with each other at the ridiculous things I do – it will the make the ridiculous more bearable. 

I just might not know you. The thought of that makes me cry. But at that moment, I likely won’t feel the pain. You will. So I say to you now: in the deepest core of my being, NOTHING can erase my eternal memory of you or take away how much I love you. The old in me may short- circuit my brain, but it can never damage my heart of hearts. 

Written with Love from your mom, who is not yet old. 

(Originally written for my three children as a gift for them on MY 60th Birthday) by Verdell Davis of     One Hope Ministries 

Thank you Verdell! I am so glad I found this, for my own peace and for my daughters. May they pass it on! 

Cunning

When I was a teen and young adult, I remember my mom telling me what to do – my clothes, my hair, my boy friends, my house, my children. It was so annoying. Why couldn’t she just trust me to make the right decisions? Now I have adult daughters and I understand. Loving mothers always have a better plan for their children’s lives. Or at least that’s what they are thinking.

It is the same with our men. Now that my husband is retired, I have plans for him. He won’t cooperate, as usual.

How can I get him to change? How can I get her to see this is wrong? This is the question I ask myself but it is the wrong question.

Then I read Genesis and I noticed the first sin was about a snake trying to get Eve to do what he wanted.

Genesis is a book of voices. The first voice was God as He spoke the universe into existence and commanded Adam to eat the fruit of every tree but one. The next voice was Adam as he sung a song of delight over his new bride.

Then we hear the voice of Satan, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?” (Genesis 3:1)

Satan was lying when he told Eve “your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” (Genesis 3:5) After the eating the fruit, Adam and Eve thought they knew good from evil. They noticed they were naked and covered themselves from each other and hid themselves from God.

God never told them to be naked was evil. Maybe eventually God would have told Adam and Eve to clothe themselves. But while they were alone and with God, they could be naked and unashamed, and it was still good. God not only knows WHAT is good and evil, He know WHEN something is good and WHEN something is evil. The notion that sex is evil, it is not true. God’s first instruction to them to them was “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth.” (Genesis 1:28) Sex inside their relationship was good. He commanded them to engage in it often to fill the earth. It was our misguided minds that determined sex is always evil or always good.

The result of the fall was we decided we knew what was good and evil. The truth is we don’t know good from evil and history demonstrates this. Any study of history will reveal humans left on their own are bent towards evil. Moreover, they justify it as good.

We cannot understand these things apart from God’s daily direct instruction. Eating from the tree gained nothing but the revelation that we are foolish creatures not to be trusted to be left alone with temptation for a moment. Like two year olds, we must be constantly watched and guided. Maybe that is why Revelation reveals Heaven as being lit by the constant light of God Himself, where there is no darkness, no night. (Revelation 21:22-25) Perhaps that is the only way we can know and follow truth.

Even as mothers, as women who love their family and friends, we must remember we cannot know good from evil for others. We must remember God works even evil to great and glorious good! We see in the genealogy of Jesus (Matthew 1:3-6) women whose lives are stained with sin yet their sons are in the lineage of Christ. We find Tamar, a widow who tricked her father-in-law into having sex with her (Genesis 38). We find Rahab the prostitute. And Bathsheba the wife of Uriah who had a child by King David.

How do I know what is right for the people I love? How can I tell if my way is leading them to a better life? I cannot. Instead I must pray – fill their heart with the Holy Spirit, change their heart of stone to a heart of flesh; convict them of sin and of God’s truth.

Helping people is not about my getting them to change their minds or behavior. It is pointing them to God. Only God knows what is right.

The first sin was about a cunning snake trying to get someone else to do what he wanted. Don’t be a snake.

Even as I lie awake on my bed, Father, I listen to my worried thoughts, and they are about others I feel should change. Father forgive me! I have been a snake! Help me to catch every wayward desire for others and cast it at the foot of Your cross, knowing You alone know good. I can trust You with everyone and everything I love. You know best and bring even wrong to good with Your mercy, power and grace, in Your perfect time.

Living Life Well

This year my Mom turned 90 years old. Certainly this is a gift from God. No amount of clean living and vitamin supplements can guarantee you to live to 90. But if you are going to live that long, Mom is showing us how it is done.

I remember many people warning me, “don’t get old” but not Mom. Oh she has some health struggles and aches and pains but she never lets them get in the way of real life. She is always going to meetings, luncheons and trips with the several clubs she belongs to. She recently joined the chorus. She is constantly redecorating her home. Recently while she was planning her next decorating project, Frank said to me, “When is she going to stop? She acts like she is going to live forever.”

And I replied, “So far, it’s working for her,” and it is.

A few years back we discussed when a woman should let her hair go gray, as both of us have hair as white as snow. I asked when she would let her hair go gray, at age 80? Or at age 90? At the time she said 90 but I guess not. 

   

Yes, I am inspired by Mom’s example. She is going to color her hair, apply her makeup, slip on her high heeled shoes, wear her red dress, attend every party and eat the dessert until Jesus calls her home.  

But even better than her outside beauty and vitality, is what is on the inside of Mom, in her heart. With Mom, we were always confidant of her love. It was never because of what I accomplished, whether I agreed with her or not, or if I was being naughty or nice. Mom loved me because that was her way. She loved us because love came naturally to her. She forgave us because that was what love demanded.

Our pastor recently talked about raising children and how we have them for only 18 years. Mom would disagree. Mom said once you are a mother, you are always a mother and never stop teaching, encouraging, giving to and serving your children. And that’s what Mom did for her children, grandchildren, and now great grandchildren. Her one regret is not having more of them to lavish her love on.

Thank you, Mom for showing me how to live and love life to the fullest. May Jesus help me to be just like you when I grow up.