I judge people

My Mentor Moment given at the October 22, 2025 MomCo Meeting 

 

Hello, my name is Barbara, and I judge people. 

Before I became a mom, I was a normal, run-of-the-mill judger of people. I judged others based on what I saw immediately: their clothing, their size, their hair style. I judged them if they were younger than I, older than I, richer than I, poorer than I. I judged all of them. I mean, I assumed things about them before they ever spoke to me. I assumed their thoughts, motives and actions by their outward appearance. I judged if they were right or wrong; if they were wise or foolish. 

Then I got pregnant with my first child. 

At the time, I was a IT manager at IBM. When I started my career at IBM in 1977, the expectation was new-hires would stay until retirement and get a full pension with health care coverage. I excelled and was promoted there. I made life-long friends there. Leaving IBM seemed unthinkable. Plus I wondered how women could spend four or more years in college to land a fabulous job, only to abandon it when they had children. I loved my job, felt empowered by it, and fully intended to return to it after I gave birth. Of course, I’d take the first year off, then my husband offered to take the second year off. At least that was how I thought it would turn out. 

Then I gave birth. 

I didn’t understand how bonded I would become with my baby until I experienced it. Yes, I was lonely. Yes, I missed the mental stimulation and validation my career gave me. But I didn’t want to return either because that meant I would have to leave my baby. I did visit day care centers but that only made me feel worse. I probably did not visit a good one, and this was 37 years ago, but all I remember was a line of portable cribs, wailing infants, and harried child care workers. As I left, I hugged my baby tight promising her, “I’ll never leave you in a place like that!” 

Suddenly I found myself judging other moms who didn’t stay at home to care for their babies. What was the matter with them? 

My judging others did not stop there. I judged moms who did not punish their kids enough, or too much, or not in the way I was doing it. I judged what moms allowed their children to watch on TV, or the amount of TV they permitted. I judged moms who would allow their children to go trick or treating on Halloween in spooky costumes. I judged moms who pretended Santa was real to their young children. Shouldn’t Christmas be about Jesus? I even judged moms who used disposable diapers after I switched to cloth diapers with my second child. 

I hope you realize this is a confession of my guilt. I didn’t understand why every mom did not feel exactly like I did. 

The root of my problem was I neglected to factor in the special circumstances that led to my decision to resign from IBM to stay home with my daughter. During my maternity leave, my IBM department relocated to another state. This was not an option for my family. Plus IBM was downsizing for the first time and offered me an excellent by-out option that included a full year of salary and two years of medical benefits. Since I was employed for over ten years, my pension was vested and I knew I would receive a small pension at retirement. 

But the most significant reason was not financial. It was spiritual. When my daughter was six months old, I committed to following and serving Jesus in a way that was unique to anything I experienced before. Previously I believed Jesus was the son of God, that He was born of the virgin Mary, that He was crucified, died, buried and rose again on the third day. But that belief had made no practical difference in my life. Quite suddenly, after I made that commitment to Him, all my priorities changed. Suddenly it was very important to raise my children myself so I could instill in them a faith in Jesus. I was no longer willing to entrust that influence to others. 

My decision did have huge financial and career consequences. Immediately, our family income was cut in half. It impacted what I could buy for my children and myself. It severely limited our entertainment and vacation options. I was good with making those sacrifices. 

The PS is later, at age 50+ when I reentered the workplace to find full-time employment, I could not find a job at even half of my old salary. Since my work experience was in IT, a job sector that changed rapidly, my old career no longer existed. I still think staying home was the best choice for me and my family and I do not regret any loss. But these factors were unique to me and my family. No other mom had this exact situation. 

None of these crucial details could be seen as I strolled my baby in the park at 11 am in my t-shirt and sweat pants. If you saw me then, you could tell I was a stay-at-home mom by looking at me. But you would not know why. You would have had to ask me. 

Here’s my point. 

We all judge people. It is immediate, unbidden, normal, and even helpful in certain situations. I know that even this morning, you were aware that you would be judged today. I know because, look at you. You look fabulous. You took care in your appearance, and in your children’s, before you left your house. That’s why we shower, brush our teeth, comb our hair, apply makeup, and try on five different outfits to find the one that doesn’t make our butt look fat. We understand that we never get a second chance to make a first impression. 

And I know that I am being judged by you as well. That’s why I wrote down every word I am going to speak to you today and had Sandy proof read it. I know you are judging me, even before I opened my mouth this morning. Before I started to speak, you can see I am not like you. I am an old church lady that probably shops for her clothing at Wal-Mart, more like your mom than your friends. Everything I say will be colored by that. 

What I want to suggest is not that we stop judging others. We can’t help that. 

But we can have a second thought. 

• We can let the first judgment pass over us and NOT allow it to be the definitive judgment that colors all our future thoughts and interactions. We can be open to being wrong about our first impressions. 
• We can start from the belief that other people have a reasonable reason for making their choices and try to understand those reasons, even if they do not apply to our situation. Even when we disagree. 
• We can try to find out the WHY behind other people’s actions by asking them questions. 
• And then, we can listen to them with an open heart and mind. Especially when it comes to other moms. 

Here’s a recent example. There were two friend of mine who attended two different women’s Bible study groups I lead. It was an election year, and both thought they were being judged in the group meetings, or would be, if they spoke up with what they personally believed. Both decided to stop attending the group. 

One friend ghosted me. 

The other friend was open to having an honest conversation. In the end, there was significant disagreement, but at least there was understanding. We could respect each other’s opinions and disagree in a agreeable manner, and stay friends. 

The point is they felt I was judging them, but they were judging me for judging them. Get it? The truth was we were all working with our assumptions about other’s positions and motives until we talked openly and actually heard each other and worked towards true understanding. 

It works the other way too. Just because other moms do things differently, does not mean our ways are wrong. Part of why I judged other moms was my own insecurities. If other moms didn’t do things the way I did them, I was worried I was doing it wrong and was afraid I was messing up my daughters. The moms that agreed with me, validated me. The ones that didn’t, called into question my decisions. 

We are all different. We are in different situations, have different financial means, had different backgrounds. Our children have different dispositions, different needs, and different personalities. Even in our own households, we must remember each child is unique. The household your first child grew up in is not the same as your second child. Just the fact there are more people in the family is huge. 

Let’s remember: 

• We don’t have to be like other moms to be ok. As we choose to have that second thought and to ask questions, listen carefully, giving others grace, it will be easier to give grace TO ourselves. 
• We don’t have to judge our former selves either. It is good that we learn from each other and grow over time. We did the best we could with the knowledge and experience we had at the time. Our intentions were good, even if our actions were not perfect. 
• We can use our mistakes to model repentance as we admit our failures to our children and apologize. 

Moms, God gave us these children knowing we were imperfect. He’s not surprised. He has us covered! Let’s raise them with the confidence that we can do our imperfect best and that He will take it from there. Let’s be open to listen and learn from each other. We may even find out that we were wrong, and that is a good thing! 

Let’s give each other grace and not judgment. This will encourage us to be honest with each other and develop true friendships. 

Two of my favorite moms.

 As I was dressing this morning, I remembered it was three years ago, after the October MOPS meeting, that I went to visit my mom. She told me she was not feeling well and she was yellow, her eyes, her face. We went to the emergency room that evening and discovered she had pancreatic cancer. 

I used to judge my own mom as well. I judged her when she hurt my feelings, when she disappointed me, when she acted selfishly. In God’s great mercy, He helped me see I needed to forgive her, to stop judging her and instead enjoy her many good qualities. Those next three months, as we cared for her and watched her die, I was so grateful I had been able to forgive her and be able to enjoy her in the time we had left together. 

Maybe you have someone in your life who you need to stop judging and forgive so you can enjoy their good qualities. Because the time is always shorter than we think. 

But that’s hard. So let’s pray. 

Beloved Jesus, I confess to You that I continue to judge others! Remind me always to have that second thought, to ask why, to listen carefully and to have grace. Remind us that it is always better to forgive than it is to criticize. Give us the power of Your Holy Spirit to enjoy each other instead of judging each other. 

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)

How to Listen So That People Will Talk

This talk was given at the April 2025 MomCo Meeting. 

Recently I picked up a book entitled How to Talk so People Will Listen. I love to talk, and write, so it seemed interesting to me. 

When I was younger I loved reading the newspaper column by Dear Abby. People would write in a question, maybe a sentence or two, and Abby would write back and solve their problem in a brief paragraph. Don’t you wish life was like that? Submit your question and have someone give you a simple solution? Just do these five easy steps, or take a magic pill? Sign me up. 

Of course, that doesn’t work.

I was struck again by this uncomfortable fact as I read some of the questions you moms submitted to us mentor moms during this year. When we spoke to you at the February meeting we started with the disclaimer that many of these harder issues are best resolved by a counselor, coach or mentor that could talk with you one on one. However, I wanted to share with you more about it today. 

Instead of how to talk so people will listen, I want to encourage you to learn to listen so that people will talk. 

Because listening is important. 

As I read each question you submitted, I wanted to ask more questions. I needed to know more about your specific situation. How could I help you when I didn’t accurately understand the problem, know about the history behind it, and fully grasp how you are feeling? 

As my daughters passed from teens to adulthood, at first I continued what I did when they were younger. After they briefly told me their problem, I would give them my solution. I discovered this doesn’t work with adults. 

 Somehow I had believed the lie that if I said it loud enough, if I repeat it often enough, if I am logical, clever and manipulative enough, I can bully others to do what I say. Sometimes that works on five-year-olds, but most often, not even then. 

For one thing, life is complicated. Second, we need to earn the right to be heard. 

We need to listen in order to help people talk and tell us more. This is how we love them, how they learn to trust us, and how we earn their respect. It is how we know them well enough to be able to pour into their lives. 

The Bible authors also encourage this. 

 In the new testament, James 1:19 tells us: My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry 

The Old Testament Proverbs 18:13 also urges us to listen: To answer before listening— that is folly and shame. 

I have found listening is hard. 

• It is devastating when my mom rants on about the health crisis she is experiencing. 

• It is crushing when my daughter explains of how I hurt her as a teen. 

• It is annoying when my husband goes on and on in detail about how he repaired our car when I don’t understand and frankly don’t want to know, honey just fix it, thank you. Honestly I need to work on listening to my husband because my old habit is to tune him out. I hear "wat wat wat." It is bad. Entrenched habits are the worst. 

I had this revelation with my adult daughter: Just listening to her helped. 

• I didn’t have to solve her problem. 

• I didn’t have to straighten her out. 

• I didn’t have to make excuses for my bad behavior. 

• I just had to listen and it was healing for her. It was MORE healing than if I offered any solutions or excuses. 

• It allowed me to understand her better. It encouraged her to talk to me more. And the more I understood and earned her respect by listening, the advice I did give her was more helpful and she was more apt to listen to it. 

Because this is not natural for me to listen well, I have been practicing. Maybe you need to practice too. Here’s my ideas on HOW to do it: 

• Pay attention. That seems obvious but it is so easy to drift off to think about something on my to-do list, consider how to reply, or focus on how I feel about what they are saying. Instead I need concentrate on their words. I must practice being patient and not rush them along, assuming I know what they are going to say before they say it. I need to let them speak until they are done. Think of it as a test. If I was going to re-state what they just told me, would I be able to do it? 

• Tell them what I heard. Sometimes I misunderstand. I need to ask for their help in clarifying meaning. In marriage classes we learned a helpful trick of using a napkin. We would take a napkin and one of us would hold it. They would be the speaker. The other person is the listener. The person who held the napkin would speak until he said all he needed to say without any interruption. Then the other person, the listener, would repeat what they heard. The speaker would then make any needed clarifications. Then we would switch and the other person would hold the napkin and be the speaker. We use a tangible object to remind us who is speaking and who is listening. In the end, even if we did not agree, at least we felt heard and understood and that by itself is helpful. 

• Ask questions. We can ask: Why do you think that? How do you feel about what happened? We need to find out why a normal, good, rational person would say or do what they did. Allow them time to explain, set the stage, give all the information. Ask for more details. The most important question we can ask them is WHY to get to the root issue that often does not immediately emerge in conversations. This can help them understand their own motives and underlying feelings. 
  

• Suspend judgment. My judgment meter is always working evaluating what their motives are, wondering how they feel about me or would I have done what they did. The point is I don’t know their motives or how they feel about me. Since I am not living their life right now, I can’t imagine if I would have chose what they did. I have to ask them.
  

• Believe the best and NOT expect the worst. In every situation, I bring my own feelings, thoughts and assumptions into what I hear and that colors everything I believe. We judge others by past events, but also by how they look, what they wear, how they speak, and the manner in which they present themselves. We must be aware and capture that thought before it affects how we react to others. It is not fair. It’s prejudice and moms, we all do it without realizing it.
  

• Fight against becoming defensive, shutting down or becoming angry. This is difficult, especially when someone is accusing us of wrong doing, whether they are correct or not. It feels like a knife to the heart. Remember that often allowing others to speak it out loud to us can be healing to them. They are thinking it anyway. Aren’t you glad you know now how they feel, even if it hurts? If we are wrong, we can take this as an opportunity to confess and ask forgiveness. This can allow the hurt to dissipate for them. If we’re not wrong and they are missing some facts, we can share this better if we are not doing it in anger. It will be easier for them to hear. 
  

• Be kind, sympathetic and encouraging when they are done talking. Don’t offer advice. I should not unless they ask me what I think. Be hopeful and express confidence they will choose the right path. When I do these things, others will trust me and feel loved. They will be more likely to be kind and cooperative in return. 

Sometimes we do have to speak up. We need others to hear what we need from them. We talked about this last month at the our table, specifically how to get husbands off the couch and help us with the house and the kids. How can we get them to do what we say? 

First of all, I experience this at my house too. I feel your pain. I wonder: Why can’t my husband just do what I ask? I know some of you have husbands that actually do what you ask and for all of the rest of us here today may I say, we hate you. Ha. Just kidding. 

But our husbands are not puppies we can command and expect obedience. They have their own lives, concerns, struggles and sometimes, they don’t share it all with us. We are tempted to judge them and assume their motives. We think we already understand their thoughts. We fail to believe the best. So instead of going off on them, let’s ask them as they lay on the couch: 

Honey, did you have a bad day? Are you worried about something? Maybe you have been distracted and forgot it was your turn to empty the dishwasher. Could you please do that while I feed the baby so I can start dinner when I am done? Thanks so much. 

Sounds easy, right? Not so easy when you have to climb over the toys on the floor, the baby is crying and it’s a half hour past time to start dinner. You are frustrated and want to hit him by now, right? I get it. But when we start off with the frustrated tone, the guilt trip, or rolling our eyes at him, he may do as we say, but we have missed the chance to bless him and feed the relationship we want. 

So take a deep breath and get control of our emotions. Then try the "sandwich" approach. 

1. Be kind, ask about his day, how he feels. Find out why he is on the couch to begin with. 
2. Give him your request as a request, not as an order, believing the best that he loves you and wants to help. 
3. Be hopeful, thankful that he would stop whatever he is doing to help you. EVEN if he is only doing what he is supposed to do. Help him feel like a hero, not a puppy. Because you want to be married to the hero, not the puppy, right? 

Do I do this all the time? Nope. I don’t even have a baby crying and toys all over the floor at my house. It’s still just a goal of mine. Let me encourage you to make it a goal of yours too. 

 

Finally, as I thought about listening this week, I re-read these words Jesus spoke during His final week before His crucifixion. He said, “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let Me.” (Matthew 23:37) 

In that last week, Jesus reflected on everything He had taught and all the miracles He had done, and still His people did not understand who He was. They heard His words, they saw the signs and miracles but they were not listening. 

With Easter coming this month, we see signs of it everywhere. There are Easter Bunnies and stuffed yellow chicks. There are chocolate eggs and peeps and multicolored jelly beans. I know a bloody man with a crown of thorns hanging on a cross is not a family-friendly theme that sells but that is what Easter is about. It’s a holy day. A day to remember we can’t even listen well to the people we love. We are flawed and we can’t get it right all by ourselves. We need a hero, not a bunny, someone to save us. 

Jesus knew that so He came to us. He left the comfort of heaven and willingly took the punishment for our wrongs, to make us in right relationship with God. Then three days later, God proved Jesus was His Son by raising Him from the dead. 

Are we listening to Jesus? What does He say to us? 

In His last letter sent to His church, He said to them: “Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear My voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” (Revelation 3:20) “Anyone with ears to hear must listen to the Spirit and understand what He is saying” (Revelation 3:22) 

Are we listening to Him? Or are we are like the church Jesus was writing to in this letter? He said to them: “You say, ‘I am rich. I have everything I want. I don’t need a thing!’” (Revelation 3:17)

Maybe have felt self sufficient before but having babies exposes a much greater need in us moms. If we hadn’t realized it before, we realize now how limited we are, how much we need help. It is so easy to be frustrated and sharp with our children. We are often overwhelmed by everything we have to do, and how much we don’t know. We can’t be everything our children need and we desperately want to be. I know I wanted to be the perfect mom. But I found as hard as I tried, I could not. 

Jesus doesn’t scold us. He invites us to come to Him, to listen to Him. 

He says, “Come to Me, all of who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give rest. Take My yoke upon . Let Me teach , because I am humble and gentle at heart, and will find rest for r souls. For My yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

Jesus is the most important Person to listen to. But like listening to everyone else in our lives, it’s hard. So let's pray...

Jesus, thank You for knowing we needed a Savior, not a bunny! Thank You for the the great sacrifice You made to make us right with God. We want to be good moms, good wives, daughters, sisters and friends, but it is hard. Help us to be more attentive, patient, kind, respectful, not judging others and expecting the worst, but believing the best. Most of all, help us listen to You!

 

Questions To Think About: 

1. Do you find listening attentively and patiently difficult? Who in your life is the most difficult person to listen to? 



2. Which one of these do you need more practice on?
   • Paying attention, not thinking of a reply or believing you know what they are going to say
   • Fighting against becoming defensive
   • Believing the best and not expecting the worst
   • Being sympathetic and encouraging instead of giving advice
   • When you want your husband to help you, be kind, respectful and thankful when you ask him.



3. When you think of God, do you think of Him more in terms of giving commands or issuing invitations? What do you think of Jesus’ invitations Barbara spoke of here, to let Him into our homes to dine with us, or to come to Him with our burdens? How do you feel about that? How can we listen better to Jesus?

Pick a Side?

As I sat at the hair salon waiting for my stylist, I was reading updates from a friend who lives in Israel telling us about the recent bombings there. So I mentioned to my stylist, “Did you hear about the bombings in Israel?” I had recently noticed how the media has been not reported much about the news in Israel that I had heard from my friend.

To my surprise, she said, “Yes, of course, I am Palestinian.” She went on to tell me about her experience when she visited her family in Palestine, how she and her family were treated by the Israeli army.

And as I remained silent, carefully listening to her story, I reflected on how you can be for one side of an issue until you are face to face with the other side.

“It is by the prince of demons that He drives out demons,” the Pharisees insisted of Jesus as the crowds marveled at His raising the dead, healing the sick and casting out demons (Matthew 9:34).

The Pharisees were the strictest and most religious of the Jews. As leaders of the people of God they memorized the Torah and followed it scrupulously. Yet here they were, face to face with God in the flesh, and they refused to recognize Him. They heard His wisdom taught, they saw His power displayed but they call Him the devil. How did that happen?

Not listening. Not patiently seeking to know and to understand. Not being open to other’s ideas, their pain, sorrow, joy. Being so sure of the truth you know that you are blind to the truth you have yet to see.

Jesus was not trying to get them to reject their God but to see Him more clearly. He was not asking them to reject their truth but to know more truth and to live the truth more fully from their hearts.

“Blind guides,” Jesus calls them, and “if the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit.” (Matthew 15:14)

Beloved, I know I must hold onto Your truth. But Your truth is all are loved, on both sides. Your sacrifice and Your desire to save is for all. Let me show Your love always by patiently listening, by allowing myself to get affected by the pain, sorrow and joy of all who I meet face to face. My assignment from You is not to pick a side, but to show Your love to both sides.

Because I can be confident that in the end, You are victorious, I can bring Your kingdom, Your will on earth by fearlessly loving all who You bring to me, no matter what side they are on.

Cunning

When I was a teen and young adult, I remember my mom telling me what to do – my clothes, my hair, my boy friends, my house, my children. It was so annoying. Why couldn’t she just trust me to make the right decisions? Now I have adult daughters and I understand. Loving mothers always have a better plan for their children’s lives. Or at least that’s what they are thinking.

It is the same with our men. Now that my husband is retired, I have plans for him. He won’t cooperate, as usual.

How can I get him to change? How can I get her to see this is wrong? This is the question I ask myself but it is the wrong question.

Then I read Genesis and I noticed the first sin was about a snake trying to get Eve to do what he wanted.

Genesis is a book of voices. The first voice was God as He spoke the universe into existence and commanded Adam to eat the fruit of every tree but one. The next voice was Adam as he sung a song of delight over his new bride.

Then we hear the voice of Satan, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?” (Genesis 3:1)

Satan was lying when he told Eve “your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” (Genesis 3:5) After the eating the fruit, Adam and Eve thought they knew good from evil. They noticed they were naked and covered themselves from each other and hid themselves from God.

God never told them to be naked was evil. Maybe eventually God would have told Adam and Eve to clothe themselves. But while they were alone and with God, they could be naked and unashamed, and it was still good. God not only knows WHAT is good and evil, He know WHEN something is good and WHEN something is evil. The notion that sex is evil, it is not true. God’s first instruction to them to them was “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth.” (Genesis 1:28) Sex inside their relationship was good. He commanded them to engage in it often to fill the earth. It was our misguided minds that determined sex is always evil or always good.

The result of the fall was we decided we knew what was good and evil. The truth is we don’t know good from evil and history demonstrates this. Any study of history will reveal humans left on their own are bent towards evil. Moreover, they justify it as good.

We cannot understand these things apart from God’s daily direct instruction. Eating from the tree gained nothing but the revelation that we are foolish creatures not to be trusted to be left alone with temptation for a moment. Like two year olds, we must be constantly watched and guided. Maybe that is why Revelation reveals Heaven as being lit by the constant light of God Himself, where there is no darkness, no night. (Revelation 21:22-25) Perhaps that is the only way we can know and follow truth.

Even as mothers, as women who love their family and friends, we must remember we cannot know good from evil for others. We must remember God works even evil to great and glorious good! We see in the genealogy of Jesus (Matthew 1:3-6) women whose lives are stained with sin yet their sons are in the lineage of Christ. We find Tamar, a widow who tricked her father-in-law into having sex with her (Genesis 38). We find Rahab the prostitute. And Bathsheba the wife of Uriah who had a child by King David.

How do I know what is right for the people I love? How can I tell if my way is leading them to a better life? I cannot. Instead I must pray – fill their heart with the Holy Spirit, change their heart of stone to a heart of flesh; convict them of sin and of God’s truth.

Helping people is not about my getting them to change their minds or behavior. It is pointing them to God. Only God knows what is right.

The first sin was about a cunning snake trying to get someone else to do what he wanted. Don’t be a snake.

Even as I lie awake on my bed, Father, I listen to my worried thoughts, and they are about others I feel should change. Father forgive me! I have been a snake! Help me to catch every wayward desire for others and cast it at the foot of Your cross, knowing You alone know good. I can trust You with everyone and everything I love. You know best and bring even wrong to good with Your mercy, power and grace, in Your perfect time.

and know that I am God

It was given to me by dear friends, B for Barbara I supposed because it was not a verse that was important to me. It hung in my bedroom for years and then one morning, I lay still on my bed and saw it, and understood for the very first time. 

And the Father spoke to me...

Be still... Stop striving, worrying, working towards something you can never do, that I never intended you to fix. Stop yelling, nagging, plotting, conniving, marshaling supporters, manipulating. Just stop it! Lay down, stare at the walls. Mind your own business. Be still.

and know... You need to understand to your core, deep in your heart and to the edges of your mind, so that all your thoughts, desires, actions, habits, and character reflects the unshakable faith...

that I... Not you, your husband, your boss, your kids, the president, the pope, the pastor, coach, teacher, co-worker, mom, brother, or anyone else...

am God. No one else can rule the universe. Only Me. And even though things look messy, I know what I am doing. I have a plan, a plan that includes you and your family and your job and your future and even the future of the generations beyond. As you are available to Me, I will use you, but I am so much bigger than just you. 

I've got this.  
I love you. 
Be still. 

You can trust Me to work it out and we can talk about it. I want to patiently hear you. Even the tossed journals with painful events, too ugly to keep, I remember each scribble, each tear. I have saved the tears but I used it all to heal you and make you into the woman you are. And look at you! You are beautiful.

Those I brought to you to minister are for you to love and not to fix. Point them to Me, point to My truth and grace. Trust My Holy Spirit to bring to their minds the correct portions of truth at the proper time. Bring them back to Me. Encourage, listen, rebuke only with humility, kindness and infinite patience.

In the end, no matter what mess they make of their lives, I want them home. Dirty, exhausted, but Mine. No sin precludes them, I only care that they return. My arms are always open, sandals, robe and ring nearby. I am poised, watching and waiting for their return. 

Your return too, dear daughter. So be still and know that I am God. 

Psalm 46:10

those who long for death

the Book of Job, Chapters Three-Five

What do you say to someone who is suffering so greatly that they long for death? How do you comfort them?

As we join Job in Chapter 3, he is so distressed that he curses the day of his birth and moans,

The white of winter is like a sad soul

For sighing has become my daily food; my groans pour out like water.
What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.
I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.

As we looked closer, we realized that Job had not lost his faith in God. Job believed death was not the the end, but there was a paradise and a peace waiting for him on the other side, where

Captives also enjoy their ease; they no longer hear the slave driver’s shout.
The small and the great are there, and the slaves are freed from their owners.

At first Job's friends come and silently mourn with him, but when they start to speak, they tell him that his situation was caused by his own wrongdoing.

Blessed is the one whom God corrects; so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.

For He wounds, but He also binds up; He injures, but His hands also heal. 

Although this scripture is truth, it does not apply to Job, because God has specifically stated in chapters 1 and 2 that Job was a righteous man. This was not helpful to Job. It actually made his anguish worse! Job needed a friend who would listen to him, and not condemn him. Even if sin was the issue, comfort must come first, especially to someone so depressed.

By nature, I am an impatient fixer. However, I have learned not to minimize the problem ("it's not so bad"). I have learned that one conversation will not be enough, and simple solutions do not help.

Instead, I have learned to LISTEN and be present, be patient, be prayerful, be loving. Remind them of the people who love them and need them. Remind them the situation, while it looks overwhelming now, may pass over time. In life there is hope and death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If they are extremely depressed and talk about ways to end their life, seek professional care immediately.

As we talked about this, one of the women reminded me of a time when she had shared her turmoil with me and I prayed with her and encouraged her to read a Psalm a day. She told me this was a turning point for her, because as she read the Psalms and prayed for God to reveal His direction to her for each day, she made progress towards healing. I remembered that night distinctly and that I had no idea what to say to her. But I prayed for direction and God was merciful.

Each person and situation is so unique. We must seek God when we want to comfort others. Only He knows why tragedy happens. Only He knows what will comfort a person. Only God knows what He plans to accomplish in this person's life and other's through this hardship. He wants us to be His hands, His voice, His comfort. As we seek Him, He will direct us.

There may be times when God may lead us to confront even the hurting with their own contribution to the problems they are having. We must lead with tentativeness, tenderness, and humility, never condescending judgment.  
 
Father, lead me to be quick examine my own life for sin and to be slow in judging others! Jesus, You entered into our suffering. Lead me to enter into the suffering of others in ways that will comfort them and guide them into a deeper relationship with You.  
   

how can I prove this to you?

Matthew 9:1-8

Best part of my work space are my family photo and
the "grandma" jewel pen from Gio.

My desk at work is in open landscaping.  Oh, I have a desk and work space, but no walls and no door. Therefore, whatever happens anywhere in the office, I can hear it.  And whatever I say to clients on the phone or to my co-workers, everyone can hear me too.  There is no privacy, but worse, it is such a temptation for me to comment on what is going on at the other side of the office.  It's none of my business, yet I can hear it, I judge it, and I want to comment on it.   

Some people brought to Jesus a man who was paralyzed and was lying on a mat. Jesus saw that these people had much faith. So He said to the paralyzed man, “Young man, you will be glad to hear this. Your sins are forgiven.” 

Jesus too worked in open landscaping.  Everywhere, there were crowds and He had no privacy.  Here Jesus meets a paralyzed man who's friends had much faith and they seemed to be having a private moment together. Jesus considered the paralyzed man, and as God in the flesh, He had a perfect understanding of all things.  He knew just what this man needed.  Jesus looking into his heart, offered the paralyzed man the perfect gift: forgiveness of his sins.

How tempted I am to judge Jesus' words to him! Forgiveness of sins?  This man could not walk, couldn't Jesus see that?  First he needed to have his physical needs met, then Jesus could attend to his spiritual needs.  I hear it, I judge it, and I want to comment on it. Just like the teachers of the law.

Some of the teachers of the law heard what Jesus said. They said to themselves, “What an insult to God for this man to say that!”

That's the problem exactly. Jesus would be insulting God to claim the power belonging to God alone: the authority to forgive sins. Except for one small thing. Jesus is God. In reality, the teachers of the law are the one insulting God when they are insulting Jesus!

Wait! Don't I do this all the time?  I not only judge what my co-workers are doing, I judge what Jesus is doing. I think He is being mean or brash or unkind or ungrateful. Jesus also is eaves dropping. He calls out to the teachers of the law that they have evil thoughts, but in the end, His goal is to prove it to them. He wants them to know without a doubt that He is the Son of God, sent by God, and has the authority to forgive sins.       

Jesus knew what they were thinking. So He said, “Why are you thinking such evil thoughts? The Son of Man has power on earth to forgive sins. But how can I prove this to you? Maybe you are thinking it was easy for Me to say, ‘Your sins are forgiven.’ There’s no proof that it really happened. But what if I say to the man, ‘Stand up and walk’? Then you will be able to see that I really have this power.”

"Talk is cheap," my father often instructed us.  Jesus agrees. Here He uses action to back up His claim. Action that they can see immediately and believe in Him.

Judging others is rude.  Especially in open landscaping.  It's a habit I am diligently trying to break.  But judging Christ's actions and words, that is insulting God.  It's blasphemy. What Jesus says and what Jesus does is good and pure and true and beautiful by definition of the fact that He is God. I may not understand. I may have questions. Questions are ok. But judgment is not.  

Even still, Jesus reaches out in actions all around me whispering: I am who I say I AM and I will show you if you stay close to Me. I will show you amazing wonders and you will praise God. Beloved, forgive my sin of unbelief and allow me to see that all that You do is good and pure and true and beautiful.  Thank You for never giving up on me but instead forgiving me again and again and again. Truly it is what I need the most.  

So Jesus said to the paralyzed man, “Stand up. Take your mat and go home.”  The man stood up and went home. The people saw this and they were amazed. They praised God for letting someone have such power.

He had spit on the man’s eyes

Mark 8:1-26

Some people brought a blind man and begged Jesus to touch him. He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village. When He had spit on the man’s eyes and put His hands on him, Jesus asked, “Do you see anything?”

He looked up and said, “I see people; they look like trees walking around.”

Once more Jesus put His hands on the man’s eyes. Then his eyes were opened, his sight was restored, and he saw everything clearly.

Not only do I notice that each healing is different in detail, but here I notice an interesting thing.

Jesus is weird.

I mean, why did He spit on the man's eyes? Did He have to do it that way? It's, well, it's disgusting! And as I look at this with new eyes, I notice that if I was there, quite honestly, I would think Jesus was weird and I would start thinking of ways to re-direct Him so He wouldn't be so offensive at times.

Even to the Pharisees, Jesus is downright rude in this passage. Couldn't He be more cordial? More polite? More politically correct? I mean, the Pharisees were the heavy-weights of the religious world.

But Jesus is not weird. He is perfect, by definition. He is God. He doesn't have to impress people, or show people who He is, or try to be popular, or ask people to "Like" Him on Facebook. We don't have to approve or even understand Him. And we certainly do not need to change Him.

So of course, this leads me to remember all the other men I have tried to re-direct. Maybe that was a bad idea. Maybe. Maybe they were more like Jesus than I am, and my definition of weird is off.

Maybe I am being judgmental. Ya think?

Father, help me to see You with new eyes, and to see Your beloveds with new eyes too. Help me be less judgmental and more loving. Let me love even the weird people. Because only then am I loving You.

Just different

We are doing a couple's study for the summer and the study is called Love and Respect. In this DVD presentation, Emerson Eggerrichs explains how men and women think differently, talk differently and have different needs.

"She has a need that you don't have. Is that ok? It's not wrong, just different."

As he talks about the differences, giving us examples and stories of illustration, he keeps going back to this...not wrong, just different.

Judgment is a subtle thing. We judge everything in our world, as we pick out fruits at the grocery store, choose car insurance, decide who to call with a problem, choose our words with our friends and co-workers, we are constantly making judgments: good or bad, right or wrong, appropriate or dangerous. Judgment and discernment are important, valuable, essential tools that we need to survive. Women, especially, try to figure people out--What did he mean by that? What will she think of me if I tell her this?

And without even realize that we are being judgmental, we are being judgmental.

Maybe I should restate--I am being judgmental.

And even with my understanding of male and female differences now that I am becoming a Love and Respect expect here (ha! I'm joking!) I cannot assume that I know someone's motives. I need to ask to find that out because we are all different.

Not wrong, just different.

Father, in so many areas, I find my self softening, being more gentle and open to other's concerns and needs, but I am not yet where I need to be, where I want to be. Help me see others through Your eyes of mercy and grace and not take offense, but ask questions and assume always, until unmistakably sure, that the person I am dealing with is good willed. Let me voice that assumption of good will in all my questions. And when I show mercy and am unsure what I will get in return, remind me that over all, I can trust You.