God's Design for Marriage

What is God's design for marriage? 

Whether you have a good marriage, or a troubled one, even if you have given up on your marriage, this is important topic because you are raising children. And as you raise them, you are imparting information to them about men and women, relationships, and about marriage. Even if that is not your intention, they are picking up your cues. Therefore if not for your own sake, then for their sake, get wisdom. Proverbs 19:8 tell us: The one who gets wisdom loves life; the one who cherishes understanding will soon prosper. Think about what you are doing and what you are telling your children as you live your life before them. 

In the very first book of the Bible, Genesis, we are told how God created the earth and men and women. Even if you do not believe in God, from my experience, this is wisdom. You don’t have to believe in God for this to strengthen your marriage. 

God saw all that He had made, and it was very good. The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.  

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, [God] took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man. 

The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 1:31a, 2:15, 18, 21-24) 

This is from the first two chapters of the Bible. It’s the origin story. Immediately after the creation of the universe, and all life, God creates marriage. 

It is noteworthy that right after He created people, God orders relationships, and the most important relationship is marriage. Before the birth of any children, any parent-child relationship, any brother-sister relationship, there is marriage and the scriptures give us several vital details. 

God first points out that although the world He created is very good, it was NOT good for the man to be alone. From what I have seen, it is still not good for men to be alone. A Harvard Medical study from June 2019 agrees. Here is a quote: 

“A major survey of 127,545 American adults found that married men are healthier than men who were never married or whose marriages ended in divorce or widowhood. ... If marriage protects health, the heart would be a likely beneficiary. Japanese scientists reported that never-married men were three times more likely to die from cardiovascular disease than married men.” 

From the Genesis account, it is clear that the woman was created for a specific purpose, for the man’s good. We are his helper suitable for him. The Hebrew word expresses the idea of an indispensable companion, a partner or ally, who is right for, suitable for, or corresponds with him. The woman was designed to supply what the man was lacking in God’s design of creation and it is implied that the man would supply what she was lacking. 

The marriage resulted in the man and the woman becoming one flesh. 

• What does it mean to become “one flesh”? 
• And how can we fulfill the role we are created for, to be the helper and partner for the “good” of our husband? 

The phrase one flesh refers to more than just a sexual union. It describes the inseparable relationship between the man and the woman in marriage as God intended it. The Hebrew word refers to more than just a sexual union. The man and woman bring into being a new family unit which supersedes the parent-child relationship and all others. It is the primary relationship. They are on the same team. But even more than that, what hurts one hurts the other: physically, emotionally, financially. 

We think of “getting our way” or “letting him have his way” but it is more complex than that. Hurting him, impacts us in ways that is sometimes hard to see immediately or to predict. 

• When he is sick, we have to care for him. We can’t depend on his help because he is unable to assist us. 
• When he is sad, he can become angry or withdrawn, making everyone in the household miserable. 
• When money is spent unwisely, the whole family is impacted because finances become tight. 

Caring for his needs benefits us and the whole family. Making him feel respected, comfortable, and loved benefits us as well as him. This is the secret of a strong marriage. The wise wife knows her welfare is tied to his. 

When getting our way leaves him depleted emotionally, physically and financially, we are not winning because he has lost because we are one flesh. When he loses, we lose too. 

So how can we bring him good? Here’s a few ideas. 

We must remember, he is our primary relationship and he will be there when our children begin their own lives and leave the home. It is tempting to put him last on our list of priorities because we have young children who need our constant care. As soon as he walks in the door we want to hand him the baby and give him our list of needs, or worse, complaints. Caring for him is more than just the laundry, the cooking, or the house cleaning. It is using our unique nurturing characteristics and talents to apply them on his behalf. We should share our needs, but let’s also ask him about his. 

Let’s carve out periodic priority time to talk and to do fun things together. Also let’s also make our bodies available to him, by being affectionate, and saying yes to sex, even if we may not feel “in the mood”. We can help by telling him what we like and what would help us “get in the mood”. We can care for our bodies, not only for our own sake, but also for him. 

Let’s be good stewards of the family money by not spending more than what is available and by making frugal choices. With Amazon on our phones, it is so tempting to shop all day long. Let’s stop and ask the question: Do we really need this? Especially for moms who stay home and do not bring any income into the home, we need to understand and be compassionate about the burden he is under as the only breadwinner. 

Let’s be respectful when we disagree, not yelling, belittling him, or treating him like a child. I know this is hard when we are around children all day. It is especially important to be respectful when we are both in front of other people. Let’s not undermine him in front of our kids. Let’s listen to him, ask questions patiently, and not assume his motives before he tells us. 

Let’s remember we are on the same team. He is never the enemy. He is our one flesh. 

As we love and care for our husbands, we are loving our ourselves, because we are one flesh. When we hurt him, force him, belittle him, ignore him, or act like we can’t trust him, it hurts him and then also us and our family. 

What about my needs, you may ask. Our husbands will be more open to meet our needs when we are being good to them. It is easier for them to be open to a request than a demand. When we make requests in a gentle, respectful manner during a time that is good for both of us, he will be more open to saying yes. This is what the bedroom is for, dear ones! When the day is done and all is quiet and cozy under the covers, that may be the better time to help him understand our needs and be receptive to our views on the issues of the day.  

But we also have to understand, sometimes his answer will be no and we must respect that. We must manage our expectations. Sometime what we want or need is beyond what he is able or willing to do. Like we want our children to respect our no, we need to respect other people’s no, including our husband’s. Especially our husband’s. 

Our goal is not to fix him. Our goal is to love him and bring him good. Because we are one flesh and what is good for him will be good for our family. 

For me, one of the best things about being a Christ-follower is the knowledge that my God is able to meet all my needs. I trust my husband but he is a flawed human, just like I am. Ultimately, I trust God can fill any gap. I can let my husband be who he is, and love him, trusting God will be the one who completes me. 

Father God, this is easier to write than to live out. Help me actively bring my husband good, always state my needs in a gentle respectful manner and ultimately trust You to provide.