God's Design for Marriage

What is God's design for marriage? 

Whether you have a good marriage, or a troubled one, even if you have given up on your marriage, this is important topic because you are raising children. And as you raise them, you are imparting information to them about men and women, relationships, and about marriage. Even if that is not your intention, they are picking up your cues. Therefore if not for your own sake, then for their sake, get wisdom. Proverbs 19:8 tell us: The one who gets wisdom loves life; the one who cherishes understanding will soon prosper. Think about what you are doing and what you are telling your children as you live your life before them. 

In the very first book of the Bible, Genesis, we are told how God created the earth and men and women. Even if you do not believe in God, from my experience, this is wisdom. You don’t have to believe in God for this to strengthen your marriage. 

God saw all that He had made, and it was very good. The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.  

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, [God] took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man. 

The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. (Genesis 1:31a, 2:15, 18, 21-24) 

This is from the first two chapters of the Bible. It’s the origin story. Immediately after the creation of the universe, and all life, God creates marriage. 

It is noteworthy that right after He created people, God orders relationships, and the most important relationship is marriage. Before the birth of any children, any parent-child relationship, any brother-sister relationship, there is marriage and the scriptures give us several vital details. 

God first points out that although the world He created is very good, it was NOT good for the man to be alone. From what I have seen, it is still not good for men to be alone. A Harvard Medical study from June 2019 agrees. Here is a quote: 

“A major survey of 127,545 American adults found that married men are healthier than men who were never married or whose marriages ended in divorce or widowhood. ... If marriage protects health, the heart would be a likely beneficiary. Japanese scientists reported that never-married men were three times more likely to die from cardiovascular disease than married men.” 

From the Genesis account, it is clear that the woman was created for a specific purpose, for the man’s good. We are his helper suitable for him. The Hebrew word expresses the idea of an indispensable companion, a partner or ally, who is right for, suitable for, or corresponds with him. The woman was designed to supply what the man was lacking in God’s design of creation and it is implied that the man would supply what she was lacking. 

The marriage resulted in the man and the woman becoming one flesh. 

• What does it mean to become “one flesh”? 
• And how can we fulfill the role we are created for, to be the helper and partner for the “good” of our husband? 

The phrase one flesh refers to more than just a sexual union. It describes the inseparable relationship between the man and the woman in marriage as God intended it. The Hebrew word refers to more than just a sexual union. The man and woman bring into being a new family unit which supersedes the parent-child relationship and all others. It is the primary relationship. They are on the same team. But even more than that, what hurts one hurts the other: physically, emotionally, financially. 

We think of “getting our way” or “letting him have his way” but it is more complex than that. Hurting him, impacts us in ways that is sometimes hard to see immediately or to predict. 

• When he is sick, we have to care for him. We can’t depend on his help because he is unable to assist us. 
• When he is sad, he can become angry or withdrawn, making everyone in the household miserable. 
• When money is spent unwisely, the whole family is impacted because finances become tight. 

Caring for his needs benefits us and the whole family. Making him feel respected, comfortable, and loved benefits us as well as him. This is the secret of a strong marriage. The wise wife knows her welfare is tied to his. 

When getting our way leaves him depleted emotionally, physically and financially, we are not winning because he has lost because we are one flesh. When he loses, we lose too. 

So how can we bring him good? Here’s a few ideas. 

We must remember, he is our primary relationship and he will be there when our children begin their own lives and leave the home. It is tempting to put him last on our list of priorities because we have young children who need our constant care. As soon as he walks in the door we want to hand him the baby and give him our list of needs, or worse, complaints. Caring for him is more than just the laundry, the cooking, or the house cleaning. It is using our unique nurturing characteristics and talents to apply them on his behalf. We should share our needs, but let’s also ask him about his. 

Let’s carve out periodic priority time to talk and to do fun things together. Also let’s also make our bodies available to him, by being affectionate, and saying yes to sex, even if we may not feel “in the mood”. We can help by telling him what we like and what would help us “get in the mood”. We can care for our bodies, not only for our own sake, but also for him. 

Let’s be good stewards of the family money by not spending more than what is available and by making frugal choices. With Amazon on our phones, it is so tempting to shop all day long. Let’s stop and ask the question: Do we really need this? Especially for moms who stay home and do not bring any income into the home, we need to understand and be compassionate about the burden he is under as the only breadwinner. 

Let’s be respectful when we disagree, not yelling, belittling him, or treating him like a child. I know this is hard when we are around children all day. It is especially important to be respectful when we are both in front of other people. Let’s not undermine him in front of our kids. Let’s listen to him, ask questions patiently, and not assume his motives before he tells us. 

Let’s remember we are on the same team. He is never the enemy. He is our one flesh. 

As we love and care for our husbands, we are loving our ourselves, because we are one flesh. When we hurt him, force him, belittle him, ignore him, or act like we can’t trust him, it hurts him and then also us and our family. 

What about my needs, you may ask. Our husbands will be more open to meet our needs when we are being good to them. It is easier for them to be open to a request than a demand. When we make requests in a gentle, respectful manner during a time that is good for both of us, he will be more open to saying yes. This is what the bedroom is for, dear ones! When the day is done and all is quiet and cozy under the covers, that may be the better time to help him understand our needs and be receptive to our views on the issues of the day.  

But we also have to understand, sometimes his answer will be no and we must respect that. We must manage our expectations. Sometime what we want or need is beyond what he is able or willing to do. Like we want our children to respect our no, we need to respect other people’s no, including our husband’s. Especially our husband’s. 

Our goal is not to fix him. Our goal is to love him and bring him good. Because we are one flesh and what is good for him will be good for our family. 

For me, one of the best things about being a Christ-follower is the knowledge that my God is able to meet all my needs. I trust my husband but he is a flawed human, just like I am. Ultimately, I trust God can fill any gap. I can let my husband be who he is, and love him, trusting God will be the one who completes me. 

Father God, this is easier to write than to live out. Help me actively bring my husband good, always state my needs in a gentle respectful manner and ultimately trust You to provide. 

How to Listen So That People Will Talk

This talk was given at the April 2025 MomCo Meeting. 

Recently I picked up a book entitled How to Talk so People Will Listen. I love to talk, and write, so it seemed interesting to me. 

When I was younger I loved reading the newspaper column by Dear Abby. People would write in a question, maybe a sentence or two, and Abby would write back and solve their problem in a brief paragraph. Don’t you wish life was like that? Submit your question and have someone give you a simple solution? Just do these five easy steps, or take a magic pill? Sign me up. 

Of course, that doesn’t work.

I was struck again by this uncomfortable fact as I read some of the questions you moms submitted to us mentor moms during this year. When we spoke to you at the February meeting we started with the disclaimer that many of these harder issues are best resolved by a counselor, coach or mentor that could talk with you one on one. However, I wanted to share with you more about it today. 

Instead of how to talk so people will listen, I want to encourage you to learn to listen so that people will talk. 

Because listening is important. 

As I read each question you submitted, I wanted to ask more questions. I needed to know more about your specific situation. How could I help you when I didn’t accurately understand the problem, know about the history behind it, and fully grasp how you are feeling? 

As my daughters passed from teens to adulthood, at first I continued what I did when they were younger. After they briefly told me their problem, I would give them my solution. I discovered this doesn’t work with adults. 

 Somehow I had believed the lie that if I said it loud enough, if I repeat it often enough, if I am logical, clever and manipulative enough, I can bully others to do what I say. Sometimes that works on five-year-olds, but most often, not even then. 

For one thing, life is complicated. Second, we need to earn the right to be heard. 

We need to listen in order to help people talk and tell us more. This is how we love them, how they learn to trust us, and how we earn their respect. It is how we know them well enough to be able to pour into their lives. 

The Bible authors also encourage this. 

 In the new testament, James 1:19 tells us: My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry 

The Old Testament Proverbs 18:13 also urges us to listen: To answer before listening— that is folly and shame. 

I have found listening is hard. 

• It is devastating when my mom rants on about the health crisis she is experiencing. 

• It is crushing when my daughter explains of how I hurt her as a teen. 

• It is annoying when my husband goes on and on in detail about how he repaired our car when I don’t understand and frankly don’t want to know, honey just fix it, thank you. Honestly I need to work on listening to my husband because my old habit is to tune him out. I hear "wat wat wat." It is bad. Entrenched habits are the worst. 

I had this revelation with my adult daughter: Just listening to her helped. 

• I didn’t have to solve her problem. 

• I didn’t have to straighten her out. 

• I didn’t have to make excuses for my bad behavior. 

• I just had to listen and it was healing for her. It was MORE healing than if I offered any solutions or excuses. 

• It allowed me to understand her better. It encouraged her to talk to me more. And the more I understood and earned her respect by listening, the advice I did give her was more helpful and she was more apt to listen to it. 

Because this is not natural for me to listen well, I have been practicing. Maybe you need to practice too. Here’s my ideas on HOW to do it: 

• Pay attention. That seems obvious but it is so easy to drift off to think about something on my to-do list, consider how to reply, or focus on how I feel about what they are saying. Instead I need concentrate on their words. I must practice being patient and not rush them along, assuming I know what they are going to say before they say it. I need to let them speak until they are done. Think of it as a test. If I was going to re-state what they just told me, would I be able to do it? 

• Tell them what I heard. Sometimes I misunderstand. I need to ask for their help in clarifying meaning. In marriage classes we learned a helpful trick of using a napkin. We would take a napkin and one of us would hold it. They would be the speaker. The other person is the listener. The person who held the napkin would speak until he said all he needed to say without any interruption. Then the other person, the listener, would repeat what they heard. The speaker would then make any needed clarifications. Then we would switch and the other person would hold the napkin and be the speaker. We use a tangible object to remind us who is speaking and who is listening. In the end, even if we did not agree, at least we felt heard and understood and that by itself is helpful. 

• Ask questions. We can ask: Why do you think that? How do you feel about what happened? We need to find out why a normal, good, rational person would say or do what they did. Allow them time to explain, set the stage, give all the information. Ask for more details. The most important question we can ask them is WHY to get to the root issue that often does not immediately emerge in conversations. This can help them understand their own motives and underlying feelings. 
  

• Suspend judgment. My judgment meter is always working evaluating what their motives are, wondering how they feel about me or would I have done what they did. The point is I don’t know their motives or how they feel about me. Since I am not living their life right now, I can’t imagine if I would have chose what they did. I have to ask them.
  

• Believe the best and NOT expect the worst. In every situation, I bring my own feelings, thoughts and assumptions into what I hear and that colors everything I believe. We judge others by past events, but also by how they look, what they wear, how they speak, and the manner in which they present themselves. We must be aware and capture that thought before it affects how we react to others. It is not fair. It’s prejudice and moms, we all do it without realizing it.
  

• Fight against becoming defensive, shutting down or becoming angry. This is difficult, especially when someone is accusing us of wrong doing, whether they are correct or not. It feels like a knife to the heart. Remember that often allowing others to speak it out loud to us can be healing to them. They are thinking it anyway. Aren’t you glad you know now how they feel, even if it hurts? If we are wrong, we can take this as an opportunity to confess and ask forgiveness. This can allow the hurt to dissipate for them. If we’re not wrong and they are missing some facts, we can share this better if we are not doing it in anger. It will be easier for them to hear. 
  

• Be kind, sympathetic and encouraging when they are done talking. Don’t offer advice. I should not unless they ask me what I think. Be hopeful and express confidence they will choose the right path. When I do these things, others will trust me and feel loved. They will be more likely to be kind and cooperative in return. 

Sometimes we do have to speak up. We need others to hear what we need from them. We talked about this last month at the our table, specifically how to get husbands off the couch and help us with the house and the kids. How can we get them to do what we say? 

First of all, I experience this at my house too. I feel your pain. I wonder: Why can’t my husband just do what I ask? I know some of you have husbands that actually do what you ask and for all of the rest of us here today may I say, we hate you. Ha. Just kidding. 

But our husbands are not puppies we can command and expect obedience. They have their own lives, concerns, struggles and sometimes, they don’t share it all with us. We are tempted to judge them and assume their motives. We think we already understand their thoughts. We fail to believe the best. So instead of going off on them, let’s ask them as they lay on the couch: 

Honey, did you have a bad day? Are you worried about something? Maybe you have been distracted and forgot it was your turn to empty the dishwasher. Could you please do that while I feed the baby so I can start dinner when I am done? Thanks so much. 

Sounds easy, right? Not so easy when you have to climb over the toys on the floor, the baby is crying and it’s a half hour past time to start dinner. You are frustrated and want to hit him by now, right? I get it. But when we start off with the frustrated tone, the guilt trip, or rolling our eyes at him, he may do as we say, but we have missed the chance to bless him and feed the relationship we want. 

So take a deep breath and get control of our emotions. Then try the "sandwich" approach. 

1. Be kind, ask about his day, how he feels. Find out why he is on the couch to begin with. 
2. Give him your request as a request, not as an order, believing the best that he loves you and wants to help. 
3. Be hopeful, thankful that he would stop whatever he is doing to help you. EVEN if he is only doing what he is supposed to do. Help him feel like a hero, not a puppy. Because you want to be married to the hero, not the puppy, right? 

Do I do this all the time? Nope. I don’t even have a baby crying and toys all over the floor at my house. It’s still just a goal of mine. Let me encourage you to make it a goal of yours too. 

 

Finally, as I thought about listening this week, I re-read these words Jesus spoke during His final week before His crucifixion. He said, “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let Me.” (Matthew 23:37) 

In that last week, Jesus reflected on everything He had taught and all the miracles He had done, and still His people did not understand who He was. They heard His words, they saw the signs and miracles but they were not listening. 

With Easter coming this month, we see signs of it everywhere. There are Easter Bunnies and stuffed yellow chicks. There are chocolate eggs and peeps and multicolored jelly beans. I know a bloody man with a crown of thorns hanging on a cross is not a family-friendly theme that sells but that is what Easter is about. It’s a holy day. A day to remember we can’t even listen well to the people we love. We are flawed and we can’t get it right all by ourselves. We need a hero, not a bunny, someone to save us. 

Jesus knew that so He came to us. He left the comfort of heaven and willingly took the punishment for our wrongs, to make us in right relationship with God. Then three days later, God proved Jesus was His Son by raising Him from the dead. 

Are we listening to Jesus? What does He say to us? 

In His last letter sent to His church, He said to them: “Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear My voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” (Revelation 3:20) “Anyone with ears to hear must listen to the Spirit and understand what He is saying” (Revelation 3:22) 

Are we listening to Him? Or are we are like the church Jesus was writing to in this letter? He said to them: “You say, ‘I am rich. I have everything I want. I don’t need a thing!’” (Revelation 3:17)

Maybe have felt self sufficient before but having babies exposes a much greater need in us moms. If we hadn’t realized it before, we realize now how limited we are, how much we need help. It is so easy to be frustrated and sharp with our children. We are often overwhelmed by everything we have to do, and how much we don’t know. We can’t be everything our children need and we desperately want to be. I know I wanted to be the perfect mom. But I found as hard as I tried, I could not. 

Jesus doesn’t scold us. He invites us to come to Him, to listen to Him. 

He says, “Come to Me, all of who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give rest. Take My yoke upon . Let Me teach , because I am humble and gentle at heart, and will find rest for r souls. For My yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

Jesus is the most important Person to listen to. But like listening to everyone else in our lives, it’s hard. So let's pray...

Jesus, thank You for knowing we needed a Savior, not a bunny! Thank You for the the great sacrifice You made to make us right with God. We want to be good moms, good wives, daughters, sisters and friends, but it is hard. Help us to be more attentive, patient, kind, respectful, not judging others and expecting the worst, but believing the best. Most of all, help us listen to You!

 

Questions To Think About: 

1. Do you find listening attentively and patiently difficult? Who in your life is the most difficult person to listen to? 



2. Which one of these do you need more practice on?
   • Paying attention, not thinking of a reply or believing you know what they are going to say
   • Fighting against becoming defensive
   • Believing the best and not expecting the worst
   • Being sympathetic and encouraging instead of giving advice
   • When you want your husband to help you, be kind, respectful and thankful when you ask him.



3. When you think of God, do you think of Him more in terms of giving commands or issuing invitations? What do you think of Jesus’ invitations Barbara spoke of here, to let Him into our homes to dine with us, or to come to Him with our burdens? How do you feel about that? How can we listen better to Jesus?

Marriage Hacks

Presented at The MomCo Meeting on March 2024

Good morning moms! Every month Shantell has been providing us with some excellent hacks. Today I am going to provide you with some Marriage hacks. These are favorite tips my husband and I learned from marriage classes we attended and also from the marriage mentoring materials provided to us by our church.

When we were engaged, wise people told me that in order for our marriage to work, we needed to “work” on our relationship. I had no idea what work they were talking about. My fiance was a good man. Our backgrounds were similar. We had been together for over a year so we knew each other well. We were in love. What could go wrong?

Looking in the rear view mirror 43 years later, I realize love does not cure all problems. I now know what they meant and I want to be specific with you today. Nothing is better at this stage of my life than being with the man who I spent my youth with, who knows me, loves me and has stood by me in good times and bad, when we were rich and when we were poor, in sickness and in health. I want the same for all of you. But this takes work.

Hubby and granddaughter Ella

Before I was married, I thought true love meant my husband would understand me and would know what I needed and how to make me feel loved. This is a big lie. In general, men need to be told what we need and how they can love us in the way we need to be loved. They are bad at guessing. Actually we all are. So we need to tell them. Maybe multiple times. It’s ok. It does not mean they love us any less. They just can’t know what is in our heads unless we tell them.

We all marry with our own expectations of how life will be and it is frustrating when our lives together are not what we expected. Today this is exaggerated by social media because others only post the highlight reels of their lives, not the normal messy parts. We look at others and want what they have, or what they SEEM to have on Instagram!

Often we don’t even realize our expectations until we are disappointed. When we mentored engaged couples, one of our goals was to help them share their expectations on different aspects of life before they married. For you moms, it is more complicated now, but it is still helpful to think about what our expectations are and share them with our husbands. Take some time for personal reflection to clarify those unmet expectations. Ask yourself: What do you want? What do you need?

It is vital to tell our husband how to please us, how they can make us feel loved because they WANT to make us happy. They probably just don’t know HOW. We need to help them out. But HOW we tell them can make all the difference!

So here are four hacks to communicate with your husband in a constructive way:

1. Avoid Criticism: Criticizing your husband is different than voicing a complaint. Sharing our concern about a specific issue is good and valuable to the relationship. However what we don’t want to do is attack our husband’s character. That is criticism. Listen to the examples to hear the difference:

• Criticism: “You never think about how your behavior is affecting other people. I don’t believe you are that forgetful, you’re just selfish. You never think of others! You never think of me!”

• Complaint: “I was scared when you were running late and didn’t call me. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.”

Do you hear the difference? Criticism attacks a person’s character. Instead we want to focus on a specific behavior.

A better alternative is to express your concern or complaint without blame, while being gentle and respectful. Avoid saying “you,” which can indicate blame, and instead talk about your feelings using “I” statements and express what you need in a positive way. A good way to prepare yourself is to ask these questions: What do I feel? What do I need?

Here’s another example:

• Criticism: “You always talk about yourself. Why are you always so selfish?”

• Better Alternative: “I’m feeling left out of our talk tonight and I need to vent too. Can we please talk about my day?”

Notice that the better alternative starts with “I feel,” leads into “I need,” and then respectfully asks to fulfill that need. There’s no blame or criticism so the discussion does not escalate into an argument.

Remember, the relationship is always more important than the issue at hand. Life is complicated and so many issues can seems to have a life of their own. These problems seem to be a huge obstacle between the two of you. Instead put the problem IN FRONT of the two of you, NOT BETWEEN the two of you. Remember, you are on the same team. The problem is the enemy, not our husband. Working together we will have a much better chance to overcome whatever comes our way.

2. Avoid Contempt: When we communicate contempt, we are being truly mean. This is when we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic, or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. When we do this, our goal, whether we want to admit it or not, is to win the argument by making our husband feel despised and worthless.

Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your husband’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them: Here’s an example:

“You’re ‘tired?’ Cry me a river. I’ve been with the kids all day, running around like mad to keep this house going and all you do when you come home from work is flop down on that sofa like a child and play those idiotic video games. I don’t have time to deal with another kid. Could you be any more pathetic?”

The antidote to contempt is to build a culture of appreciation and respect in your relationship. Start by thinking about things to be grateful about. Consider where you take him for granted. There is always something good if you look for it. Then if you begin a habit to verbalize your gratitude, appreciation, affection, and respect for your husband, you’ll create a positive perspective in your relationship that acts as a buffer when negative feelings arise. The more positive you feel, the less likely that you’ll express contempt. Here’s another example:

• Contempt: “You forgot to load the dishwasher again? Ugh. You are so incredibly lazy.” (Rolls eyes.)

• Better Alternative: “I understand that you’ve been busy lately, but could you please remember to load the dishwasher when I work late? I’d appreciate it.”

Again, put the problem in front of you both, not between you. Your husband is NOT the enemy. The problem is. Solve the problem, attack the problem together, do NOT attack him.

3. Avoid Defensiveness: This is typically a response to criticism. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our husband will back off.

Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses tell our husband that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes. Defensiveness can escalate the conflict instead of resolving the issue at hand. Here’s an example:

• Question: “Did you call Jessica and Rob to let them know that we’re not coming tonight as you promised this morning?”

• Defensive response: “I was just too darn busy today. As a matter of fact, you know just how busy my schedule was. Why didn’t you just do it?”

This defensive response also reverses the blame in an attempt to make it the other spouse’s fault. A better response is to express acceptance of responsibility and an admission of fault, even if only for part of the conflict. This will demonstrate that we care by listening and understanding our husband’s perspective:

• Better Alternative: “Oops, I forgot. I should have asked you this morning to do it because I knew my day would be packed. That’s my fault. Let me call them right now.”

Here’s another example:

• Defensiveness: “It’s not my fault that we’re going to be late. It’s your fault since you always get dressed at the last second.”

• Better Alternative: “I don’t like being late, but you’re right. We don’t always have to leave so early. I can be a little more flexible.”

By taking responsibility for part of the conflict (trying to leave too early), even while asserting that we don’t like to be late, we prevent the conflict from escalating by admitting our own role in the conflict. From here we can more easily work towards a compromise.

We must be responsive to his needs as well as expecting him to respond well to ours. This encourages good will in our relationships.

4. Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs when one withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their spouse. Rather than confronting the issues, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.

Unfortunately, stonewalling isn’t easy to stop. It is a usually a result of feeling flooded with emotions to such a degree that we become physically affected and we just can’t discuss things rationally.

If you feel like you’re stonewalling during a conflict, stop the discussion and ask your husband to take a break. Here’s an example:

“Alright, I’m feeling too angry to keep talking about this. Can we please take a break and come back to it in a bit? It’ll be easier to work through this after I’ve calmed down.”

Then take at least 20 minutes to do something alone that soothes you— take a walk, read a book or magazine, just do anything that helps to stop feeling flooded with emotions—and then return to the conversation once you feel ready. It is also good to examine your own heart: what exactly is upsetting you, what your expectations are, what you need, where might you be responsible for part of the problem, etc. It’s crucial that during this time you avoid thoughts of righteous indignation (“I don’t have to take this anymore”) and innocent victimhood (“Why is he always picking on me?”).

After you are calm enough to listen to him and respond with gentleness and respect, make sure to return to the issue and work towards resolving it.

But what do you do if your husband is the one doing these things? The hard answer is: YOU GO FIRST. This is where the hard “work” comes in. Gently and respectfully explain how his method of problem solving is hurtful to you, damaging your relationship and not solving the problem. We can’t avoid complaints. But we can complain in ways that are more loving and therefore more effective. Our goal is a good long-lasting life together and that will involve personal change and growth. And you can be the adult and go first.

The process of working on our marriage is hard. It is humbling to put the needs of others first, to consider their feelings, listen to their needs, and to be forgiving when bad behavior repeats. The good news is this work will make us more patient, more gentle, more compassionate, more respectful. This becomes an inner beauty that does not dim with age but glows brighter. It is good not only for our marriage but it is spiritually and emotionally healing for ourselves. 

So devote yourself to the work. It is good for your marriage, for your children, and for you.

Three Easy Steps to a Perfect Marriage

Disclaimer: Ok, the steps are not easy and there are no perfect marriages but these will help a lot!

1.      Pray.  God is invested in your marriage and not only wants it to last forever but designed it to be joy-filled and life-giving. Talk to Him about everything in your marriage through prayer. Pray together, pray alone, pray when you have troubles, when you argue, when you are confused, when you feel lost, when you wake up, before you sleep. Pray without ceasing.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.(Phil 4:6)  The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. (James 5:6)

        

2.      Submit.  To freely give the other spouse the opportunity to have their heart’s desire is an act of love and a sign of strength on your part. It is the true path to life and peace. Submit is what Jesus did constantly when on earth all the way to the cross. He asks us to do it because He did it first. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. (Eph 5:21)

3.      Believe the Best.  Be generous with your assumptions and your attitude toward your spouse. Believe that they love you, want the best for you, desire the marriage to last, have your best interests at heart, aspire to become more Christ-like even as they fail again and again. It is not so much about trusting them, but trusting Christ in them, the hope of glory. Your attitude towards them will greatly affect your relationship so never assume the worst, but always believe the best. Love…is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs… It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (1 Cor 13:5,7)

If they do not believe

1 Peter Chapters 2 and 3

How do you draw an unbelieving husband towards faith?

This is a question heavy on my heart, not only because it is an issue for many of my friends, but also because it was my concern for years. I came to faith and then waited 18 years for my husband to make a commitment to Christ. During that time, I read and re-read these words from Peter as if he had written them especially for me.

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.

Note Peter does not recommend a straight-on Evangelical technique. He does not urge wives to share the four spiritual laws or the ABC’s of faith. Peter does not tell us to sign our husbands up for ALPHA or some other spiritual activity. I tried all those things with my husband Al with no immediate success. No, Peter’s advice is to love our husbands by submitting to them.

As we continue to read his letter, Peter is consistent, no matter who he is talking to:

• Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives (1 Peter 3:7)
• Slaves, in reverent fear of God submit yourselves to your masters (1 Peter 2:18)
• Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human authority: whether to the emperor, as the supreme authority, or to governors (1 Peter 2:13-14)
• Be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil … repay evil with blessing (1 Peter 3:9)

Submit - be considerate - repay even evil with blessing. Why would Peter say that? What about when the husband is dead wrong? When he is doing something clearly hurtful to his wife or to his children? Surely we are to speak up then? He’s the one who’s the unbeliever! Hello?

No offense, ok, but why are we convinced we are always the one in the right and they are the one who needs to change? Honestly, I am talking to myself here as well. Why can’t we allow them to make their own choices (which they will anyway!) and choose to do right ourselves, no matter what they are doing?

Let me repeat: our response is our responsibility. Are there ways we can serve our man with integrity? Are there areas where we can defer to them and say “I don’t want to but because you want to, I will”? Can we put his needs before our needs? Can we forgive the hurts? Can we consider how he must feel? Can we stop judging him, repeatedly pointing where he is wrong?

Peter pulls out the trump card with the example of Jesus’ life.

Photo by Caroline Pierce

To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in His steps... When they hurled their insults at Him, He did not retaliate; when He suffered, He made no threats. Instead, He entrusted Himself to Him who judges justly.

Jesus was able to submit to the cross because He trusted God the Father to vindicate Him.

• He did not trust His disciples to stand by Him – they did not.
• He did not trust the religious leaders to give Him a fair trial – they did not.
• He did not trust the Roman governor to see through the schemes of the Jewish leaders and release Him because He was innocent – he did not.
• He did not trust the Roman soldiers to be gentle with Him because He was not rude to them – they did not.

EVERYONE did wrong to Jesus, and not just a little wrong. They betrayed Him, beat Him, spit on Him, mocked Him, and nailed Him to a tree.

Jesus submitted because He trusted God.

Peter invites us to do that too.

Sure, if there are people being hurt, there need to be boundaries. And sure, we are to use words to share the gospel…

Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect…

Love people by serving them with humbleness and kindness. Trust God because He’s got this. That is the bottom line. I think this works with not only husbands but also teens, co-workers, neighbors, and extended family members.

“He himself bore our sins” in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness… the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and His ears are attentive to their prayer…

How do we die to sin and live for righteousness? Submit to others. Even our husbands. Even when they can’t be trusted. Because we can trust God.

For how it turned out for me and my husband, click here.

True Love

Our 32nd Wedding Anniversary.  On that day, October 11, 1981, we read:

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot sweep it away. (Song of Solomon 8:6-7)

When I was a romantic-relationship beginner, I read about  how to tell the difference between infatuation and true love.  Infatuation was a rush of feelings, a fluttering in the belly, the desire for physical intimacy.  It was like a high when it first came upon me, and I chased it like a puppy after a squirrel.  I wanted it to be real.  I wanted it to be true.  But the closer I came, the more it eluded me, like a squirrel who ran up the tree, I could see it but it was out of reach.  I could not catch it and keep it.

On the other end of the spectrum, I did not want to settle for the marriages I saw around me, where it seemed like the woman said to herself: "oh well, I married him, I guess I'll have to make the best of this tiresome situation."   No, I wanted the Maria and Tony, the Rose and Jack, the Cinderella and Prince Charming perfect romance and the happily-ever-after marriage.  Never mind these were not real people and in two of the three stories, one lover dies young.  Why would they write on this topic if it could not be true?  Isn't this what we all long for?  Don't we all long for a love that is a blazing fire, that lasts forever?

Many years have passed since I was a beginner and over that time, I discovered there is an answer.  There is such a thing as true love but it is based on the character of the lover, not the desirability of the beloved. 

A love that cannot be quenched is not about beauty or charm.  It is not about physical strength or sensual attractiveness. It is not about wit or wealth.  It is about a bonding that happens over decades, through shared experiences, trials and joys.  It is about an integrity that is loyal and steadfast but still has a sense of humor through the bad times and sickness and lack.  It is about acting loving when we don't feel like it, when it costs us something.  It is about tenderness when there is no longer a surge of delightful feelings. 

Our Wedding Day

In the course of time, there comes a love that is as strong as death.  That is why it takes commitment, because love gets truer over time.  True love requires reliance on God, who has loved us first. His love has shown itself to be as strong as death. To attain true love, we must be connected to the Author of all Truth. Faith in Jesus brings to us the power of the Holy Spirit, and in His power we can have joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).  When we have these things, we can love our husband well.   When we bring the Spirit of God into the relationship, we can have a love that "always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres," a love that "never fails." (1 Corinthians13:7-8)

Isn't that what we all want?

Father, thank you for the great gift of my husband and for Your mercy in keeping our marriage together for all these years.  It is You, all You, and nothing we can claim we have done.  We are grateful that now, after all these years, we understand better what true love is, a love that starts with You, continues as we love our children, grandchild and family, to include our friends, neighbors, co-workers and to the ends of the earth.  Enable us to show all Your love because You first loved us.

On more on becoming a Marriage Survivor, click here.

Marriage Survivor

for the MCC Mothers of Preschoolers meeting, April 19, 2012

I am not an expert on marriage. I am not the perfect wife or mother. I did not marry the perfect man. My only qualification is I have been married over 30 years to one man. I consider my marriage a good one and I look forward to the next season of our lives together with joy and peace. However, my situation is not the norm.

According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescence Psychiatry: "One out of every two marriages today ends in divorce and many divorcing families include children... While parents may be devastated or relieved by the divorce, children are invariably frightened and confused by the threat to their security."

I grew up watching fairy tales like Snow White and Cinderella, giving the impression that a blissful marriage can be the expectation of every woman. Instead I have found the reality of marriage to be more like the TV series Survivor. Survivor is a reality television show where contestants are isolated in the wilderness and compete for prizes. I loved the spoof on marriage that I saw in an email once. It started this way:
"The Next Survivor Series: Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 4 kids each for six weeks. Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance lessons. There is no fast food. The men must shave their legs, wear make-up daily, which they will apply themselves while driving or making four lunches. They must clean up after their sick children at 3 am and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better. The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins ONLY IF he still has enough energy left to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice."

Honestly, I think it is better backwards, instead of playing a game called Survivor Marriage, it is better said that I am a Marriage Survivor. Like a Cancer Survivor, I have managed to survive difficulties and overcome the obstacles in marriage.

I think it is valuable to think of marriage in those terms. It is not a destination. It is not a pleasure cruise. Yes, there are many joys but often it is a difficult and dangerous trip, with pit-falls at many turns. The more we consider it in this way, the more we will be willing to do what is necessary to be a winner in marriage. Because those of us who are Marriage Survivors will tell you, it was worth all of what we have gone through.
So today we will focus on one central question: what does it take to not only survive in marriage, but to stay in love and achieve the rare intimacy that can only be developed as you grow old together?

There are three points I will be making:

1. Tell him.
2. Accept him.
3. Love him.

TELL HIM

During the first years of my married life, my husband Al was not available emotionally. He was not able to understand my feelings, share his own feelings, and relate to me on an emotional level. So it was my practice to share my deeper emotional issues with close girl friends. But as time went on, I found I was closer to my girl friends than I was with my own husband. It finally occurred to me that this had to stop. I started to share with him more and more, even if he didn't understand, even if he gave me no feed back, even if he ran away from the conversation. I refused to give up because I sensed how important it was to be emotionally intimate with Al.

And that is the point, typically women connect and become intimate through conversations, sharing the intimate details of our lives. If we do not do this with our husbands, we will never be truly intimate with them. Fortunately, through reading books on the subject, I discovered communication skills that helped Al listen to me. Let me share them with you.

1. Men listen better when they are told the punch line, or the bottom line, first. Women love to listen to each other talk and hear their stories for their own sake, but men need to know why they are listening to the story, or they will struggle to pay attention. As with this talk, I started out with giving you my outline: Tell him, Accept him, Love him. This way of talking, giving the outline or topic first, gives men structure so they can better follow what we are saying and piece together the parts of the story. What we women think will "ruin the story" will actually help him to understand.
2. Men listen better when we tell shorter stories. Especially when I first started sharing with Al more, I would tell him the abbreviated version. I left room in the conversation for dialog, allowing him to ask me questions, or to give me advice. I realized by giving advice, he was trying to help and showing his love for me.
3. Men listen better when they are in the right mood. I found the worse time to talk to my husband was as soon as he came home from work. He was tired and distracted. Also, when he was in involved in a project, or watching TV, he would not be able to give me his full attention. But when I caught him in a good mood, at a time when he could listen, then he could be more patient and hear me out.
4. Men listen better when we use a respectful tone. When I was critical or angry with Al, he would be turned off and conversations were non-productive. Also, I can have a tendency to talk in a belittling tone. I learned the hard way that no grown man can listen productively and compassionately when I am speaking with the kind of language and tone that I would use with a 5-year-old. And that is a problem with moms, as we spend the majority of our time with kids! It was a struggle to consider my attitude and my tone before I spoke, but when I managed to use this skill consistently, it worked much better for me.

Another thing I struggled with, was telling Al when I was hurt. Instead of talking to him about it, I would talk to myself, make excuses for him, tell myself the situation wasn't so bad, and that talking about it would not help anyway. As women, we can fall on two ends of the spectrum on this, either everything is a major catastrophe, or nothing is wrong. Either end is problematic. Sometimes it is better to overlook things and accept our husband's quirks as part of the package. We don't have to make a big deal out of everything. But I found I needed to share with Al much more than I did. As we talked about things together, I found that many times, after I told him how I felt and what I thought, even if things did not go my way, I felt better and more at peace.

In the early years of my marriage, I would often keep things inside until I exploded in anger. Anger made Al pull back, get defensive, and because he tends to be stubborn, stand his ground more strongly, even if I was right. Anger made me ugly and my concerns seem not sympathetic or compelling. Then I learned that anger was a secondary emotion, which means, another emotion was fueling my anger -- usually fear or hurt. I learned to reflect on my anger and determine what that primary emotion was, and then express the primary emotion in a way that was not threatening. In other words, I started to own my feelings, and instead of demanding change from Al from a place of anger, I would just put my feelings out there and ask for his help and compassion. The results were much better. Instead of polarizing the relationship, as anger can often do, we were both addressing the problem as a team. Anger is a powerful emotion and can make us feel powerful, which is why it is an attractive weapon to use. But any weapon can work against us in marriage because we tend to attack each other and not the problem. Instead of putting the problem between us, we need to put the problem in front of us, and this way we can work on it together.

So tell him -- share your heart and the details of your life to gain intimacy -- share your hurts with him to solve your problems together.

ACCEPT HIM

I probably watched too many Disney movies and I definitely was reading too many romance novels, because one of the first things I notices after I got married was my expectations were not being met.

This is what I wanted:


When I first got married, all was fine...


but then after a while things began to change...


and it felt like...










this was what I got:


There was a gap between what I thought was reasonable to expect in my marriage, and what I was actually experiencing. One huge problem was my husband's work hours. When we met, he was working nights, starting at 2 am and coming home in the morning. So 5 nights out of 7 I was sleeping alone. Was it too much to expect to sleep with my new husband?

Another huge issue was about the house we were living in. My husband owned a house when I met him at age 24, a huge accomplishment and asset, or so I thought. However, he bought it in partnership with his father and had just decorated it to his liking. When we got married, he was not open to redoing any part of the house so soon. And his younger brothers considered it as a family house and I never knew when they would be stopping by, sometimes not to visit, but to use the garage to repair their cars. Was it too much to expect to decorate my new home and to have some privacy with my new husband?

These two issues, and some others, created such distance between us that we eventually separated after only three years of marriage. I felt there was something wrong with my husband because I wasn't getting what I expected. Let me be perfectly clear: in retrospect, I do not blame my husband for the separation--it was me. I was not telling him what I needed and how important those issues were to me. And also, I had unrealistic expectations of what marriage would be like.

Here was the lesson I learned the hard way: There will always be a gap between what we expect and what we actually experience. And in that gap, we get to choose: Will we accept him or reject him?
I needed to tell Al how I felt, and eventually I did. And obviously we got back together. We did buy another house that we decorated together. But I found I couldn't win all the battles. Al still works nights, after 30 years, we still sleep together 2 nights out of 7. But I needed to be realistic too. Al had to work because we all like to eat. Most men have some difficult hours. I am thankful Al was always home for dinner. There are other men that miss dinner every night, or who have to travel for their jobs. And then, especially in current times, there are men who can't find work at all. My attitude improved when I began to be thankful for the good parts of Al's job, and that he had a job. As I began to focus on thankfulness, I had a lot more peace.

Then there are issues, some we are currently facing, where he is doing something that is wrong. He admits he is wrong, but keeps doing the same thing over and over. He is struggling with being patient with our twenty-something daughters who still live in our house. When he gets impatient and frustrated with them, he reacts in a way that is hurtful. We have talked about how he needs to be more careful with the fragile hearts of these young women, and he understands, asks forgiveness but does the same thing next time.

And in that gap, I get to choose: Will I forgive him and find peace? Or will I stay angry and become bitter? Will I continue to believe the best of him, that he really does want to change, and stay hopeful, or will I give up on him and expect the worse?

Here is the truth we need to accept: It is hard to change. Here is a great example: Who wants to lose 10 pounds? Who wanted to lose 10 pounds last month? Why didn't you? Because it is hard to change. We need to give our husbands a break. I found as I continue to forgive Al, as I continue to tell him -- gently and firmly -- about his shortcomings, especially those that hurt me and my daughters, as I continue to be patient but hopeful, Al does change. It is much slower than I want, but is does happen.

So what do we do with the problems in our marriage? Let's think of our problems as a pie. In my home, the problem pie looks something like this:


If Al could only straighten up, if he could work on his issues, our lives would be so much better! Sure I have issues, but they always looked so much smaller and less consequential compared to his!

Then I learned something that made all the difference in my marriage, but I had always missed it because it seemed so counter-intuitive. I learned when I focused on my slice of the pie, when I put aside his issues and worked on mine, he actually started to change. I found I could not MAKE him change. I can share my feelings, I can pray, but I can't make him. But I can change me.

Let me challenge you for a moment to think about your slice of the problem pie. Are there things your husband has been asking you to do, or areas he is asking you to change and you keep blowing him off? Maybe you think it is smaller and less consequential compared to areas where you want him to change. Or maybe, you want him to go first. Maybe you think you do enough in this marriage and it is definitely his turn.
That may be true, but remember, we want to be marriage survivors. It is not about fairness. It is about survival, for our sakes, for the sakes of our children. Work on your issues, even if they are small. It is important to sweat the small stuff because the small stuff can become the big stuff!

One pet peeve of my husband was late dinners. He really wanted to eat at 5 pm. He kept repeating it. And so, to the best of my ability, I did this even though it was not always easy because I worked when my daughters were in school and had to drive them to their after-school activities, so I often came home at 4:30. But I learned to use my crock pot, made sure I planned the meal the night before, and I creatively used left-overs. It was just one way of saying I love you to my husband, and I avoided a lot of fights and hard feelings.

What issue does your husband keep bringing up? Can you work on that for the good of your marriage?
Another important choice for me was what to do in those gaps of time, when my husband was not available for me. As my children grew, and I had more time for myself, and picked things to do to fill my time. I found that even things that seem benign could be harmful to my marriage. I gave up the romance novels and steamy TV dramas because they fueled my unrealistic expectations of what married life was supposed to be. I stopped spending time looking through store circulars and shopping out of boredom because I found myself buying stuff we didn't need, didn't even have space for, and could not afford.

Instead, I purposefully filled time with volunteering at my children's elementary school so I could get to know their friends and teachers. I volunteered at church and attended study groups where I met women of faith and good character, who would be an encouragement and a good example for me in mothering my daughters. When my daughters got older, I limited the outside activities they had to curtail the stress on them and on me. These choices helped my mothering and my marriage.

How about you? Where are you spending time? Are these things breathing life into your marriage or just making your life more complicated?

Here is the important point: often I have felt victimized by the behavior of other people, especially my husband. I thought: If he would only change, life would be so much better! But I began to realize this very freeing principle: The choices I make is what has the most impact on the quality of my life.
There will always be a gap between what we expect, what we hope and dream for, and what we actually get. No man is perfect. But you have a choice to make. What will you choose in the gap?

• Accept him or reject him?
• Forgive him or stay angry and bitter?
• Believe the best and stay hopeful or expect the worse?
• Work on your issues or focus on his inadequacies?
• Choose good and wholesome life-giving activities that will enrich yours and your children's lives or fill your time with stuff that just makes life more complicated?

We pick. Every day. What will you pick? What you choose makes the difference.

However, here is the disclaimer. There may be some of you who are married to a man who hurts you. Maybe it is physical wounds. Maybe it is just with words, but the words hurt so bad, you would have preferred him to just strike you. And you hate to admit it even to yourself, but you are afraid and it is getting worse. He says he is sorry, but then it happens again and again. You too have a choice. Sadly the choice is to get out and stay safe or stay there and get hurt. Yes forgiveness is still important but in this case, you need to do it from a safe distance and wait from there until he changes. If this is you, please seek help. Take the first step in getting to a safe place today. Don't wait because aggressive angry behavior does not just go away, it escalates and gets worse.

LOVE HIM

In today's society, we often think of relationships in terms of ourselves: what we want to get out of the relationship, our goals, our desires, our needs, and then, later those of our children. Let me challenge you today to consider the needs of your husband. The bonus is loving your husband in the way he most feels love is the strongest motivator in closing this gap. When he feels loved and respected, he will more likely respond with love towards you. If there was one Disney princess that most resembled real life, it was Belle from Beauty and the Beast. In that story, Belle's love for the Beast transformed him into a prince. I found it worked well with my prince too!

All men are different but here are some things that have worked for me:

After the birth of my first daughter, I found I was so exhausted and tired of being touched all day, my need for affection and sex was greatly diminished. I'm not the only one who has felt that way, right? But Al's need for affection and sex had not changed, and it made things, well, tense between us. We talked about this recently and as he remembers it in retrospect, he felt less loved during that time. I found that I didn't need to be "in the mood" to participate in or even to initiate sex, because I would find I would become "in the mood" after we started. Have you started to drift away from him in this area? Let me I encourage you to shower him with affection and be an enthusiastic and willing sex partner.

Remember dating? I found out how important it was to continue dating even after we got married and especially after we had children. We didn't need to be spending a lot of money, and often we traded with friends for child care. We needed to spend time playing together. I would encourage you to try for a date night at least once a month and if you can swing it, a weekend away once a year. For Al, it didn't even need to be that complicated. He just wanted me to spend time with him doing things he likes to do. Sitting outside and chatting with him while he worked on the cars felt like love to Al. Recently, we spent a weekend painting. I hate painting and working with Al is exasperating for me because I like to get right down to work first thing in the morning, and he prefers to linger over breakfast and coffee and start a few minutes before noon. But I let him lead this time and not only did we get all the work done, but we actually bonded in the process. My being with him helped him feel valued and appreciated. So work along side him, play with him. It will make him feel loved.

The world is a hard, cruel place. Our homes should be havens of love and care. Encouraging Al and telling him how much I appreciate him and that I have confidence in him is so vital to his emotional health. So I tell him he is wonderful as often as possible. I look for things he does right and remember to compliment and thank him. It is hard to do, because I tend to not notice the everyday mundane good things and complain about the things that are wrong.

So what are some things you can do to make your husband feel you love and respect him? Let me encourage you to try at least one this week.

So, one more time, to review:

What does it take to not only survive in marriage, but to stay in love?

1. Tell him.
2. Accept him.
3. Love him.

Having daughters was very different from having boys, those of you who are mothers of both sexes know that. Watching my daughter raise my grandson, Giovanni, I had this revelation. Deep inside, all men are boys, looking for approval, love and respect. No matter what they look like on the outside, they look like my grandson on the inside. It made me look Al differently.
As I considered my 30 year marriage, what really stands out for me is how much we needed God in each season of our lives together. Remember when Al and I were separated? As I considered my life at that time, I can only credit the power of God, unleashed by the passionate and faithful prayers of my father, in the reunion and future success of my marriage. No matter what I have tried and what I have done, ultimately all glory goes to God, and I thank Him every day. In His great mercy, God has answered my frequent prayer for my husband, which is, Lord, make Al the man You always wanted him to be.

Marriage is not for sissies. We need to pray always and have hope. We must be willing to do what is needed to keep our marriage strong, not only for ourselves, but also for our children. When we do, and when it works, and sadly there are no guarantees, we will be rewarded with a joy and peace beyond anything written about in fairy tales.

Let's pray for the Spirit of God to help us, for with God, nothing is impossible.