Journey to Paradise

Because we wanted to add adventure to our vacation in Puerto Rico, we decided to take a trip to the Isle de Culebra, located 17 miles northeast of the main island. 

We rented a car near San Juan and tried to make the 10 am ferry to Culebra on Tuesday but we missed it by half an hour. We bought tickets for the following day, 10 am in the morning and the return trip to the main island leaving Culebra at 9:30 pm. 

On Wednesday, we were determined not to miss the ferry again. The staff recommended arriving one hour before departure. We were up at 5:45 am, quickly ate our hotel breakfast, packed our gear and lunch, and were on the road by 7:30 am. It takes over an hour to drive to the far eastern end of the island where the ferry is located. I grew nervous as we made two wrong turns adding to the length of our drive, but Google maps kept us on track.

At the last leg of our trip, we were stopped by police blocking the what seemed to be the only road that connected us to the ferry launch. It was now close to 9 am as we anxiously asked the policeman how to get to the ferry. He only spoke Spanish but somehow we managed to find the right detour. 

We parked the car and waited for a shuttle from the parking lot to the ferry. We were one of the last to board but we made it. It was an hour ride on the ferry. At the ferry dock, in the business section of Culebra, there was a street full of of vendors offering taxi rides, or jeep and golf cart rentals. We decided on a golf cart. Christina took the shuttle to the rental store, while I waited with our gear by the ferry dock. Half an hour later, Christina comes with a golf cart that was more complicated than we expected. Off we went to Flamenco Beach, bouncing hard with each rut in the road, and there were many! 

To our delight, Flamenco beach is perfect for a day trip. It had bathrooms and showers and cafes. We rented an umbrella and two chairs. As we waited for our turn to have the umbrella set up, I briefly considered that if we had stayed at our hotel, we could have been on the beach for hours already. Then I saw the beach.

It was beyond what we could capture on film. It was magnificent. Crystal water, white sand, green mountains in the distance. It was paradise beyond what we could see because there was so much that was NOT there. There were NO tall resort hotels, no electric wires, no sound of traffic or air planes. Only the gentle lapping of waves, chirping of birds and the occasional rooster crowing. 

As I walked the beach, I considered our long journey to this paradise. It had taken 5 1/2 hours. It included a wake-up before dawn, a long drive, wrong turns, and a detour that threatened the whole trip. Then there was a long boat ride, waiting for the rental golf cart, a ride through unknown narrow roads, dodging pot holes and chickens, not knowing in the end what we would find. It required patience and courage, determination, sacrifice and hope.

It was like all of life. I am confident of the Lord's promise, that we will someday be in an even grander eternal paradise with Him, but the journey of life is long and hard. It requires all those things: patience, courage, determination, sacrifice and hope. 

We didn't need to do it. There was a choice involved. We could have chosen to stay at the hotel. But then we would have missed it. 

Paradise is never nearby. It's not where everyone hangs out. It requires us to take the road less traveled. We must choose the hard thing and make the sacrifices it requires. We must do it afraid.

After our swim, we went to explore other beaches. We traveled up and down hills that resembled roller coasters, took several wrong turns but found two other beautiful beaches at sunset. We walked after we returned the golf cart and waited for our return ferry, drove home and crawled into bed after 1 am. It was a long day. But a wonderful one.

God has created incredible beauty but we have paved over it, strung electric wires around it, and built tall buildings blocking the view. To see His glory, the paradise He created, it is a long, hard journey. But as I closed my eyes that night I was grateful that I had the patience, courage, determination and made the sacrifice to go and see.

Also in life, I make sacrifices with hope that I will be with God in the Heavenly Paradise He has created. Even with the hard things, I look forward to the Joy of eternity with Him. Especially since we won't have to leave. 

Remind me of this, Beloved, when the road of life is full of danger, sorrow, pain, and uncertainty. Remind me of at the end, there is forever with You in Paradise.  

The heavens proclaim the glory of God.
    The skies display His craftsmanship.
Day after day they continue to speak;
    night after night they make Him known.
They speak without a sound or word;
    their voice is never heard.
Yet their message has gone throughout the earth,
    and their words to all the world.  (Psalm 19:1-4)

Love and Courage Passed Down

To my grandson Giovanni Emmanuel Moreau, on his 18th birthday 

Gabriele Micchelli was born in Italy in 1882. His wife Anna was born there too in 1885. At that time, Italy was a relatively young kingdom, formed in 1861, unifying the providences in that area under a single king. Note that in the USA, 1861 was the start of the Civil War. 

In the late 1800s, there was dire poverty among the common Italian people who did not own land, and even for those who did, the soil was poor. Exploitation, violence, malnutrition and disease were widespread. Because of this, more than four million Italians immigrated to the United States between 1880 and 1924 to look for a better life. Among them were Gabriele and Anna Micchelli. 

Gabriele and Anna settled in Newark NJ near other family and had nine children, six boys and three girls. As per tradition, the first seven were named after grandparents, uncles and aunts. The eighth was named Ann after her mother. Their last baby, born November 6, 1925, was a surprise as Anna was 40 years old and thought she was past child-bearing age. They named their baby son Gabriel after his father. 

Gabriel grew up in a multi-generational home. His oldest brother Louis was 20 when he was born. When Louis married, he brought his bride to the second floor apartment to live. There, they had a son who they also named Gabriel. He was about four years younger than his uncle Gabriel and they grew up together, as did the other cousins, as the oldest Micchelli children married and took their turn to live in the upstairs apartment. 

In 1929, when Gabriel was four years old, his father died of the flu at age 47. Anna was only 44. Gabriel had no memory of his father, only sharing with us the story of him playing in front of the casket set up in the living room for family to visit. The oldest sons were already working and contributed to the household so that they could manage to keep food on the table. Thus began a habit of the brothers bringing their pay home each week's end and placing their pay envelope (they were paid in cash) on the kitchen table, unopened, for their mother. This practice continued until Gabriel married, when to Louise's surprise, at week's end, he came home and placed his pay envelope on their kitchen table, unopened. Gabriel's older brothers and sisters helped raise him. He remained the beloved baby brother to them all of their lives. 

The language spoken in the home was Italian. Anna never learned English and taught all her children to speak Italian. Therefore, when Gabriel went to public school, he spoke only Italian and had to learn English there. 

The year of Gabriele's death was also the start of the Great Depression. Money was tight. Favorite meals included Pasta e Fagioli (pasta and beans) and pasta with gravy made with leftover bones bought at the local butcher shop. All the brothers at home slept in one room and Gabriel joked that since they all shared clothes, the first one up was the best one dressed. 

When Pearl Harbor was attacked on December 7, 1941, the United States declared war. Gabriel had just turned 16 years old. Therefore after high school, Gabriel did not go to college and he did not get a job. He enlisted in the Army and saw combat in World War II overseas. He was one of the fortunate ones to return home with only a hearing loss due to a bomb that exploded nearby. Another of his brothers, Joseph was not so lucky. He was wounded in the rear leg, had to wear and brace, and suffered with pain for the rest of his life. 

When Gabriel returned from the war, his future was mapped out for him. Like the rest of his brothers and one of his sisters, he learned the hairdressing trade because one well-established Micchelli uncle had a successful hairdressing shop in Newark. Gabriel worked there for several years. He worked as a hairdresser all of his life, until he retired. Then he continued to cut our hair until his dementia took hold of him. 

Gabriele and Anna Micchelli are your great-great grandparents. I have no memory of either grandparent, Gabriele or Anna. All I have are the memories of the stories told about them. But the love they had for their children has been passed on to me. The courage they had to leave their homeland, to come to a distant country for a better life, and to struggle through loss, poverty and war, that has been passed down to me as well. And so I want to pass that on to you. 

This week you turn 18 and graduate from high school. You will attend university in the fall. This is a great adventure, but also a great privilege. Always remember you stand on the shoulders of great men and women of love and courage who have made this possible for us. 

And remember to pass it on.

More on Gabriel Micchelli, click  here.

The Story of Eliseo and Mary Lucciola

as remembered by my brother Gabriel R. Micchelli
09-12-2023  

 

Heritage and Pedigree of the Lucciola Family

This is the story of my maternal grandfather’s immigration experience coming from Italy to the United States America in 1918. Like tens of millions of other Europeans, he came through Ellis Island. The colloquialism “coming through” seems appropriate because he was like a baby being born, coming through the birth canal, not knowing what would happen next or where he was going. Tens of millions of immigrants’ stories are similar. In those days they came by ship. Ellis Island was the birth canal through which the immigrant passed checkpoints and waited to be born into new life, a life of freedom and opportunity in the United States of America.

How I heard this Story

I would ride my bicycle on the warm summer days in July of 1968, down my street to the corner. Once I turned that corner, I was out of sight of my home at 101 Forest Street. I’d ride down a long hill to the busy cross street of Union Avenue where I would make a right turn and ride on the sidewalk for a few long blocks until I reached EL Cleaners on Union Avenue near Joralemon Street - another busy thoroughfare. Joralemon Street was named after one of Belleville’s founding families from the early 18 century.

I’d kickstand my Stingray bike on the sidewalk and visit my grandfather - who I called Popa. I’d watch him sow and press suits and wait on customers. When times were slow, I’d ask him things. Many things. What it was like when he was my age. How old he was when he came to the US. What mom was like when she was a young girl.

Most kids my age had heroes who were sports figures and astronauts. My heroes were businessmen like my grandpa and my dad and his brothers and sister. Dad had five other brothers and a sister in the hairdressing business. My paternal grandfather, the original Gabriel, passed away when my dad was four years old of an unknown illness. My grandfather Gabriel’s brother Nicholas looked after his brother’s young family. When Joe, Nick and Gabriel came home from WWII in 1944 and 1945, their Uncle Nick set them up in hairdressing school and afterwards, brought them into this hairdressing salon in Newark’s busy and bustling downtown. Once employed at Micchelli Hairdressing, Joe, Nick, and Gabriel joined their other brothers, Louis, Anthony and Michael, and their sister Philomena. Also in this gaggle of Micchelli hairdressers was Louis’ son, another Gabriel, named after his grandfather. The two youngest hairdressers in the shop were 18 year old Gabriel, Louis’ son and 22 year old Gabriel, my dad – both named after the same man.

Enough about the Micchelli family for now. Let’s get back to my Papa. My mom was Papa’s only daughter. Papa and grandma Mary raised their daughter Louise in Belleville, on the other side of town from where we lived. Grandma died when I was a toddler - before I could know her. Papa came to live with us after grandma passed and he was like a 2nd father to Barbara and me. I don’t remember a time without Papa being there. Papa and I played a little, but we talked a lot when I was a young boy. Papa’s life was his tailor shop and his daughter Louise and all of us. He and dad would talk about business along with mom. When dad left Uncle Nick’s salon in Newark, he and brother Michael opened their own salon. When dad finally went on his own, Papa gave dad confidence and was a valuable sounding board.

Papa had a relationship with a woman from Brooklyn. Her name was Yetta. She was a Jewish lady who escaped Germany just before WWII and was a great dancer according to Papa. Papa would take the train to meet Yetta on the weekends and they would go dancing. She worked at the Knickerbocker Toy Company in New York City. The name 'Knickerbocker' was derived from the nickname for the citizens of New York in reference to the baggy trousers (knickers) that the original Dutch settlers wore. Yetta came to our house for holiday dinners and once we all went to New York City to meet her and her son for dinner. She was fun and funny and was the only grandmother that I ever knew, as both of my grandmothers had passed away before I ever knew them.

The story that follows is as I heard it in bits and pieces when I was 11 years old from my grandfather, Eliseo (Eddie) Lucciola, in the back of his tailor shop on warm July afternoons in 1968.

The Story Begins in Cassino Italy

Eliseo was startled awake one morning in his small bed in Cassino. He had made his decision concerning a letter he received from his older brother Serafino, postmarked America. Serafino had left Italy a few years before for America. He had been sending money. A few weeks ago, a letter came from Serafino addressed to Eliseo. It said,

In Italian,“Vieni in America dove ho un lavoro per te nella mia sartoria. La vita è bella qui. Arriva attraverso i servizi di immigrazione di New York City a Ellis Island, USA. Fammi sapere il nome della nave che prendi da Napoli a New York, e ti incontrerò nel luogo designato vicino a Ellis Island.”

In English, “Come to America where I have work for you in my tailor shop. Life is good here. Arrive through New York City Immigration Services at Ellis Island, USA. Let me know the name of the ship you take from Naples to New York, and I will meet you at the designated place near Ellis Island.”

Eliseo and his bride, Mary

That letter had been rattling around in Eliseo’s head for weeks. He had never thought about going to America before, but the letter forced Eliseo to look at life in his village. “What kind of life is there for me here in Cassino?”, he thought.

He was 17 years old and was apprenticed to a tailor in Cassino for little wages, to learn a trade. He made extra money by chopping wood for the townspeople in Cassino with his small axe and pick. If he left for America, his younger brother, 12-year-old Elisia, would take over chopping wood for money to buy the family provisions such as flower, eggs, salt, and bread. The cow and their little garden his mother tended supplied milk and enough produce to sustain them.

Mother’s thoughts - and becoming “American”

Eliseo had spoken to his mother about Serafino’s letter and asked her what she thought of him leaving Italy for America. She said, “Italy is old, and the plight of the people hadn’t changed in 1,000 years, and may not change for another 1,000, but America was young and growing.” It was his decision to make, and his alone. She would support whatever he decided to do.

Eliseo thought about what his life would be like in Italy and what his life could be in America. America had gained a reputation during WWI as a powerhouse. People in America were free and not restrained by the circumstances of their birth, or by a repressive government, or by the vendettas of the powerful Mafia who wielded power in Italy. Now with the war over, Eliseo wanted to be free to do what he wanted to do. Go where he wanted to go. He wanted to get married someday and for his family to have a better life than what Italy could offer. He wanted liberty. In that moment, thinking about what we now call “the American dream”, he became an American.

The ship to American sailed from Naples, which was a few days walk from Cassino. He took what money he had and set out for Naples to find work to earn money to sail to America. He left early in the morning and walked all day. The first night he spent just off the road sleeping in a field near some bushes. The next night he slept in an empty barn near a farmhouse. The following day he arrived walking into Naples. It was a large city for the young man who grew up on a small plot of land, in a tiny house, on the outskirts of Cassino.

Naples is the sprawling regional capital of Campania and the third-largest city of Italy, after Rome and Milan. This ancient city had been the capital of the Kingdom of the Two Sicilia. Before that it was the capital of the Kingdom of Naples, and before that it was the capital of the Duchy of Naples. Founded by Greeks in the first millennium BC. Naples is one of the oldest continuously inhabited urban areas in the world – and it looked every day of it. The city was filthy.

By contrast, the ancient bucolic village of Cassino lies at the foot of Mount Cassino, the sight of the great monastery of Saint Benedict. A city of medieval origins, Cassino is scarred by multiple battles and ancient wars. Now a peaceful village. Eliseo had once climbed the steep hillside and approached the ancient wall of the monastery only to be brushed away by the monks who tended the garden outside the walls. Before descending he stopped and took in the grand view from the top of the mountain overlooking his village. He felt like a rich man surveying his lands. He thought of his father.

His father had died when Eliseo was eight years old of an unknown ailment. His mother raised three sons and after his father had died, kept them fed and clothed by taking in sewing in the village for the tailor who was Eliseo’s master and teacher. Before leaving for America, Serafino had chopped wood and done odd jobs to help feed his brothers and mother.

Eliseo’s mother was funny and chatty and wise, and always gave him and his brothers good advice. He always felt good about things and confident in himself whenever they would talk. She smiled while listening to Eliseo. When he told her he was leaving Cassino. She told Eliseo that he was capable of doing great things and should never give up. She reminded him as she had many times, that he was descended from the same great Italian people that had produced the likes of Leonardo DaVinci, Christopher Columbus, Galileo and Michelangelo.

Earning money in Naples

Eliseo soon got a job serving coffee in a little shop in downtown Naples and slept at the top of the stairs in a small room. The next week he got a job waiting tables in a better restaurant such that he could stay at a nearby farmhouse with a family who had a spare room. Then one day he ran into Antony, a 2nd cousin about the same age who was also working to earn money to sail to America. They pooled their money and rented one room to save faster. Within a few months they had saved enough for their fare to America. They didn’t think it necessary to purchase grand accommodations onboard. As soon as they had enough for the cheapest fare and a little more to get started in America, they left on the next ship. Eliseo and Antony did not know how far away America was or how long it would take to get to New York or what would happen when they arrived. Antony had a cousin in New York City and Eliseo had his brother to meet him when he got to Ellis Island. Rumors of what America was like came from returning travelers who had all sorts of differing stories, which Eliseo discounted. They were returning from America or somewhere else.

Off to America

Before they boarded the ship for New York City, Eliseo mailed a letter to his brother containing the name of his ship. The letter would probably sail with them on the same ship. They boarded the ship and found their small cabin that they would share with eight other people. Breakfast and dinner were provided by the crew who served it on large tables in a larger interior cabin of the ship. Breakfast was an egg at various degrees of boiled hardness, two pieces of bread and coffee. Dinner was stew with some meat and vegetables.

The last day of September 1919 was a beautiful end of summer day in Naples. A great day to embark. By the next evening the ship had sailed to the point where it was directly between Marsala in Sicily, Cagliari in Sardinia, and Bizerte in Tunisia. The ship at that position was 100 miles from each city. Each was over the horizon and out of sight. The Mediterranean is a vast and open sea. Eliseo and Antony were amazed at the vastness and wondered how the ancients traversed it in small wooden boats. It would take another four days to reach Gibraltar. The Rock was clearly visible as was the African city of Puerto de Ceuta, the furthest southern outcrop of Spain.

After sailing through the straight they lost sight of the Rock of Gibraltar. Then leaving behind the last site of land, the city of Tangier in Morocco, the vast stormy Atlantic opened up. The next two weeks were open water, rocking seas and seasickness. The last land that was visible before reaching New York was the Acores Islands. The ship sailed between Mt Caldaria on the little island of San Petro and Ponta Delgada on the greater Isle of Saint Miguel. The storms of early October sent the ship tossing in the North Atlantic for what seemed like an eternity, actually 18 more days at sea. During that time Eliseo and Antony were very seasick. A fellow passenger gave them cigarettes to calm their stomachs. Smoking only made their heads hurt but after a while the headaches went away, and smoking cigarettes passed the time. Dying of lung cancer 53 years later was the last thing on Eliseo’s mind.

Approaching NYC and the Statue of Liberty

Every morning Eliseo would come up on deck to see the sun rise over the stern of the ship. It had been heading east since leaving Gibraltar but on this morning the sunrise was off the starboard beam, his right as he looked toward the bow of the ship. It was steaming north, giving him hope that their journey was coming to an end.

What had started out as an exciting sea adventure had turned into a sickness drenched, dirty, exhausting affair. Antony had been sick with a cold for much of the trip and he was weak and often unable to take care of himself. Eliseo brought him food and kept him warm by sharing his blanket so that Antony would have two when it got cold. Sickness was rampant throughout the passengers and crew.

Finally, the next daybreak after a particularly bad night with Antony, Eliseo came up on deck to see in the distance the two sandy beaches separating the mighty Atlantic from what seemed a safe harbor. These sandy beaches are Sandy Hook in New Jersey and Breezy Point in Long Island. Eliseo didn’t know where he was or where he was going next but was relieved that landing seemed close at hand. Briefly, he had seen the day before, distant beaches as the ship sailed up the coast of New Jersey.

Sailing past the sandy outcroppings on each side, the ship headed straight toward South Beach on Staten Island then came hard to starboard with Seagate off the starboard beam. The ship then pointed directly between what looked like big shoulders of land, those being the Verrazzano Narrows separating Lower New York Bay from Upper New York Bay. Giovanni da Verrazzano an Italian explorer followed his compatriot Columbus, landing on the North American continent’s southeastern shores. He then sailed northward along the coast, just like Eliseo and Anthony did, discovering New York’s lower and upper bays, again just like Eliseo and Anthony. Verrazzano named the narrow entrance to the great river that Henry Hudson would later name after himself.

Once through the Narrows the land slipped back and opened to the bustling Upper New York Bay. Ferryboats and sailing ships and other large ships, garbage scows and cityscapes on both sides of the Hudson River were visible with buildings and people. It was a misty, cool morning and there was so much to look at.

Suddenly, from out of the mist a gigantic woman dressed in green, bronze robes. It was the largest thing Eliseo had ever seen. She is mounted on a stone block pedestal. The woman is lifting a torch in her right hand and carrying a book in her left. She wore a crown of seven points and looked down to welcome newcomers. In confusion and gratitude and awe, Eliseo fell to his knees as he stared at the lady in the harbor. He heard those on the deck say…

In Italian, “Che paese e questo! Avere un tale Colosso nel porto accogliere le persone che vengone a cercare una vita migliore.”

In English, “What a country this is! To have such a colossus in the harbor to welcome people who come to seek a better life.”

Scores of other passengers stood on the deck in stark silent awe at the sight. The lady in the harbor was silent too but if she could have spoken, she would say, “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

What a country this is.

The lady has many names. Her official name is “Liberty Enlightening the World”. Some call her “Lady Liberty”. Eliseo didn’t know any of this. He just called her “America”.

Steaming past “America” coming up fast is a small island on which stands a strange looking building with four domed peak spires. But what is that just ahead off the starboard bow? What is that great loud noisy place there. As Governors Island passed there became revealed the tallest structure in this great city of New York - the Brooklyn Bridge and its great gothic spires and suspension cables. By then Antony had come up on deck to see. He and Eliseo had never known such things could exist and here they were all in one place all at one time. The Sun was up now, and the mist had burned off on this October morning a few days before his birthday, October 31, 1918.

Ellis Island

The ship was coming to dock at the island where the unusual building stood. This was Ellis Island. There was another ship docked there as well. And several moored in the harbor. All at once over the loudspeaker, the order was given to, “gather belongings and line up at the gangplank to disembark.” People scurried back to their berths as many languages were spoken on deck. Most people had one or two bags. In all the excitement Eliseo forgot to eat.

What followed was a series of lines and waiting. The great room inside the Immigration Services building was sectioned off by rope lines so that one person or family could come up to the podium at a time. They were asked their name, who they were meeting, their country, region, and town of origin, and how much money they were carrying. The great room was deafeningly loud and chaotic until coming up to the podium. The big official asked these questions in English as the translator put them into Italian for Eliseo. Eliseo had the letter from Serafino who was the person meeting Eliseo. But where would he meet Serafino, and when?

Most of the Italians disembarking that day were from Italy south of Naples. Now Italy had only been unified under one flag since 1861. This period of unification called Risorgimento, was completed and not to everyone’s liking, by 1871 - less than 50 years before. When asked about their country or origin many who lived in the south would state their closest major city as their country of origin. Bari, Cosenza, Naples, Foggia, Palermo, Avelino. There was still some animosity between the peoples of Italy. After all Italy had been living an uneasy peace between its city-states for centuries. The great cities of northern Italy, Roma, Venicia, Milano, and Florenzi, looked down on the poor peasants of southern Italy.

Antony’s Bad News

After the interrogation by the customs official Eliseo and Antony were taken to the infirmary for a medical checkup. Eliseo had a cold but was almost completely over it. Antony had a more serious illness. It could have been smallpox or measles or chicken pox. Eliseo and Antony didn’t know but the USA had a strict prohibition on allowing immigrants into the country with certain diseases. After some discussion by the authorities, it was decided that Antony would have to go back. The two were separated and would only see each other again through glass windowed doors after that. They got a chance to say goodbye before the ship taking Antony back to Italy, sailed. This was a harsh reality that was irrevocable. Eliseo wrote down the return address on Serafino’s letter and told Anthony to write when he got back to Italy.

The ship sailed the next day for Argentina. The shipping line departs Naples for New York then to Buenos Aires before heading back to Naples. It was the shipping line’s responsibility to bring immigrants back if US Customs denied any passenger entry. By the time the ship had reached Buenos Aires Antony was in good health and decided with some encouragement by the shipping lines, to disembark there and make his life in Argentina. The two men would see each other again 45 years later when Antony came to our home in Belleville.

Eliseo was now alone, with only the clothes on his back, a change of clothes, and his letter from Serafino, which was his only link to America and his family. No word came from Serafino to Ellis Island for Eliseo. He wondered how and if he would ever find Serafino from this island of Ellis.

Waiting For Serafino

After a couple of weeks on Ellis Island, as November started to bring on winter, Eliseo was told each morning to board a small boat that would take him to the harbor in Jersey City. Eliseo didn’t want to go to Jersey City. He wanted to go to Orange, NJ where his brother lived. Confused, he got on the boat each day and was delivered to a small outside waiting area at the Jersey City docks, not far from where the boat let him off. He was directed to sit on a set of benches and wait there with other immigrants in a fenced-in area.

November days are clear and chilly, and Eliseo didn’t have a warm coat. The immigrants all sat together to keep warm as they watched hundreds of commuters scurrying around where the immigrants were fenced in. They came out of the Central Railroad of New Jersey Terminal and walked over to waiting ferries to take them to New York City’s lower Manhattan. Eliseo knew that they were arriving at the big terminal on train cars because he could hear the trains. He could see through the terminal’s open facing doors that scores of locomotives were arriving every few minutes. Ferries went back and forth to New York every few minutes. Trains arrived every few minutes. Hundreds and hundreds of people streamed into New York City. People from New Jersey had to come by train and then traveled by boat to Manhattan every day. What was going on over there?

On the third day sitting on the cold bench on the dock in Jersey City, a few minutes before 6:00 pm, just before boarding the boat back to Ellis Island, Eliseo heard his name called by a familiar voice. It was Serafino! He had just gotten off the train from Orange, New Jersey for the third time that week. He had been following the schedule of the ship and knew approximately when Eliseo would be sitting on that same bench where he disembarked a few years before.

Big smiles. Warm embraces followed by a rebuke by Serafino as to why it took Eliseo so long to arrive. Eliseo complained back to Serafino simply in self-defense as they ran for the train back to Orange New Jersey and Eliseo’s new home. 

Barbara continues the story...

The Story of Mary

While Eliseo was growing up in Italy, Mary Crecco was already in America, but life was not easy for her either. The middle child of three daughters, Mary's mother and father died was she was a child. Her and her younger sister Anna were moved to a orphanage. Her older sister Jenny was already married with children and she could not afford to take her sisters in until they were old enough to work. Mary and Anna struggled in the orphanage but stayed close together to protect and encourage each other. Once they were old enough to move in with Jenny and her husband Carl, they went right to work, also using their sewing skills. Life was hard. Jenny would often buy bones from the nearby butcher to supplement the meals made from the backyard garden. 

Once she was of age, Mary and Eliseo were matched up by family friends and married. They continued to live in the house with Jenny in a top floor apartment. The house was heated by coal and since Eliseo was out for long days working, Mary was left to do all the other chores, including carrying the buckets full of coal from the basement to their apartment. Louise was her only child and she would tell us of her hands being lined with coal dust she could never wash out. Louise would become close to Jenny's daughters, Marge, Connie and Anita.

Eventually Eliseo was able to go into business on his own and they moved to an apartment in Belleville. Since Louise was older, Mary would work with Eliseo, coming home to cook him dinner and then return to work. Louise was often alone. 

When Louise and Gabe married and had their first child (that was me, Barbara), Louise had injured her arm and was unable to care for her. Mary came over and fed the baby and helped care for her while Louise recovered. After that, she would regularly visit, to help Louise with her children and darn Gabe's socks. She loved to play school with her grandchildren. My clearest memory of her was playing school and one time when I slept over her apartment. 

Louise's description of her was "she worked so hard all her life,"  "she was so good" and "she never got a chance to enjoy herself but she was the happiest when she was with her grandchildren!" Sadly she died too soon at the age of 60.

Train of Death

I could see the light in the distance and hear it coming towards us. At first it seemed so far away. I thought I had enough time to get her off the tracks. But the chains were too strong and could not be broken. So intent was I in trying to get her free and calm her fears that I did not notice the speed of the train. I looked up again and it was closer. I could see it clearly speeding towards us now, feel the rumblings beneath the tracks, hear the whistle warning. Now we both were afraid. She began to plead for me to leave her be, stop struggling with the chains that could not be broken. The train was coming for her and we could not stop it and I could not move her. As it came closer I could see her surrendering to the motion of the tracks, the inevitability of the train that would crush her. I stayed until the final moment, holding her hand, telling her I loved her and then, at the last moment, as she would have wanted me to, I let go and stepped back as the train of death took her spirit away from me.

She was there in the bed when I came back after her struggle was over. When I touched her again she was warm at first but then as we waited, she turned cold. And still. And silent.

Mom surrounded by love

How could this woman, so vibrant, so warm, so garrulous and full of life be so still, so cold, so silent, so dead?

The Train of Death came for her. After I watched it so closely and struggled to loose the chains so passionately I realized how real it was. How it will come for all of us. Some day it will come for me.

We gave them the last dress for her to wear, picked out the flowers, wrote the pretty words describing her life. We greeted the friends and family, they spoke of her love, their love, her life. 

We gathered the photos in frames and in books. We boxed up the jewelry. I looked at each article of clothing, put some in bags, some special ones in my drawers.  Is this a life, an accumulation of things? Was it not in her love? Her passion for life and for all of us? Her wisdom, her examples of kindness, her courage to keep going even when it was hard? We can not gather those things up, as they are already inside us. We can give away her kindness. We can share with others her love. We can emulate her courage and continue without her to enjoy life. 

We can miss her with every photo we want to share with her that she will not be there to see; with every story we want to tell her but she will not be there to hear. She was a woman who loved people. She liked solitude at times but did not want to be alone. But on that track, she wanted to take no one with her. She knew that time she needed to be alone. Her last act of courage. 

As we watch the train of death crush another we love, we realize how fragile we are. How random life seems. Even when it is long, it never is long enough.

This is why Jesus came, to give us back our birthright to eternal life. He Himself is the gate, the way, the life. To open that gate, He subjected Himself to the train of death. Unlike my mother, Jesus could have broken the chains and walked away and escaped the train of death, but He did not. He allowed death to crush Him and in that take away our sins, the evil that entraps us so that we can be released to have eternal life with God.

But how can we know for sure? My mother was a control freak; she also trained me to be as well but she was the queen. She did not want anyone to run her life, which was why being sick and dependent at the end was so agonizing for her. Did she, like me, have doubts about God? How can we be sure God is good? That heaven is indeed a paradise we would love and not a trap by a harsh, demanding, controlling God? Do I even want to go there? Sadly my heart sometimes still ask these questions. Did she too?   

"I have glorified You on the earth" (John 17:4) Jesus told His disciples on His last night with them.  Jesus had spent His life showing us the glory of God: His goodness, His mercy, His power, His justice. He healed the sick. He released those oppressed by evil demons. He unburdened His people from oppressive religious practices that God never commanded. He freed them from shame, pride, bigotry, hate, lust, greed. He demonstrated compassion for the children, the women, the poor. He showed that individuals must be evaluated by their faith, even a Roman soldier, a pagan woman, a nationalist zealot and a tax collector. 

Jesus opened the gate for them all to enter and He showed us a glimpse of the beauty and glory of His Kingdom. As if what He said to us was: Don't you trust Me? Well, it is hard to blame you! This world is a hot mess and the people in it  demonstrate that they can't be trusted. Here, see for yourself how I lived My life. See the Good and Eternal Glorious Life that I long to give you, that I was so passionate to share with you that I allowed the train of death to crush Me for all your mistakes, your regrets, your shame. 

Taste and see that the Lord is good... (Psalm 34:8)  

At the end, mom could not swallow anything. I used a toothbrush to wet her mouth on that last day. Eventually, even that was impossible. Right before I left her that night, her eyes locked open. I talked to her, tried to make her see me but I know she could not see. The train of death was too close to her. Her time to see, her time to taste on this earth was over.   

But you, dear reader, still can taste and see. Look to the Lord. Reach out to Jesus. See that He is good. He loves you. He is waiting for you to trust Him.

...blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him. (Psalm 34:8)

What even I could not see with my eyes that night was Jesus. Her body was left with me, cold and still but in truth Jesus took her spirit to paradise. I believe there I will someday see her again, beautiful and full of life. 

Jesus said to her, “I am the Resurrection and the Life. The one who believes in Me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in Me will never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11:25-26)

The Christmas Story for Moms

Presentation to Montclair Mother of Preschoolers (MOPS) on December 14, 2022

Good morning moms! It is 10 more shopping days until Christmas! Are you ready? If you have been shopping you know the stores are certainly ready, right? They have been ready since Halloween, with decorations and advertisements everywhere. There is also no end of entertainment available: Christmas story books, TV specials and movies. I looked up favorite Christmas movies on Google and of course it has a list of the 65 top movies, a very eclectic selection: from It’s a Wonderful Life, Frosty the Snowman and The Polar Express, to Die Hard, Home Alone and Love Actually. The Hallmark Channel and Netflix has an endless supply of Christmas themed love stories offered this time of year.

My personal favorite Christmas movie wasn’t on Google’s list. It is called The Nativity Story. Have you heard of it? Maybe it did not make Google’s list because it is just the original Christmas story. Many have tried to create a more modern and exciting story, but for me, nothing surpasses the miraculous impact of the original.

Maybe it’s considered boring because it is essentially a story about a mom and her birth story. But for us moms, what could be more interesting? That is the first question I ask when I see a new mom. I always ask how the birth went. I want to know all the details of the delivery and usually the mom is ready to tell me the whole thing from start to finish. It’s cathartic for the mom and fascinating for me.

Christina's Birth/Christmas Stocking

As I told you all last month, my first child was born on Christmas Eve. It’s 35 years ago but I can still clearly remember circumstances of her birth. I remember having my brother-in-law come and pick up our dog because I had been having contractions for what seemed like days. I remember the ride to the hospital in the middle of the night with the muffler dragging making the most horrific noise. I remember the doctor examining me the next morning telling me since my contractions had stopped to go home, only to return a few hours later after my water broke. I remember how the walls of the room looked as I labored and how the nurse told me I would forget all about the pain. The woman laboring in the next room had been howling in pain and my husband comforted me saying, “The doctor said all labors are different, honey! Yours won’t be that bad.” I remember my baby Christina screaming as she poked her head out of me and the nurses commenting that she had a good set of lungs. On Christmas morning in the hospital they brought her to me in a baby-sized red stocking and a little red cap. She was perfect. I was so happy.

You remember too, don’t you? Sometimes the tiny details of that one special time stand out so bold in our memory, don’t they? Some women, I am told even remember the night their baby was conceived. I don’t but some do.

2000 years ago, Mary of Nazareth was probably around my age when a man named Luke visited her and asked her what she remembered about her son Jesus. Luke was documenting the life of Jesus and he started his scroll with this:

Many have undertaken to draw up an account of the things that have been fulfilled among us, just as they were handed down to us by those who from the first were eyewitnesses ... With this in mind, since I myself have carefully investigated everything from the beginning, I too decided to write an orderly account… (Luke 1:1-3)

Luke tells us there were already other documents written about Jesus at that time, specifically the scrolls that would become the gospels of Mark and Matthew, but Luke was looking for more information from eye witnesses. Luke, who was a medical doctor by profession, understood the importance of obtaining eye witness testimony from Jesus’ mother.

But we know how mothers feel, don’t we? So we are not at all surprised when Mary was asked, she remembered many details about the birth of her son Jesus, even His conception. Luke’s gospel reads:

… God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.” Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. (Luke 1:26-29)

In those days, it was not 20-30 year olds getting married as is the case today. Mary was engaged at the time and so she was probably around age 15. Can you imagine how you would feel, at age 15, if you were sitting in your home, maybe folding laundry or washing dishes and suddenly there was an angel in front of you talking to you? No wonder she was troubled and confused!

But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a Son, and you are to call Him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David, and He will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; His kingdom will never end.”

“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?” (Luke 1:30-34)

Mary still had questions, of course! I love that Luke records her questions and that the angel Gabriel was quick to explain.

The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy One to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. For no word from God will ever fail.”

“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her. (Luke 1:35-38)

Can’t you picture Mary telling this story to Luke with him writing down notes as she spoke? So many years had past and yet she was able to remember it so clearly because of the impression such a miracle had on her life.

There are those who do not believe in the virgin birth of Jesus. Of course it is hard to blame them, it is such an impossible thing. Even angel Gabriel acknowledges this. But the Jewish scriptures and the recollections recorded in the gospel of Matthew corroborate this. 700 years earlier, the Jewish prophet Isaiah recorded this revelation:

Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel [meaning God with us]. (Isaiah 7:14)

The gospel of Matthew records Joseph’s side of the story:

This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a Son, and you are to give Him the name Jesus, because He will save His people from their sins.” (Matthew 1:19-21)

In those days, an unmarried woman found to be pregnant could be stoned to death under Jewish law. Mary’s agreeing to God’s plan meant she could be disgraced, at best and stoned at worst. Mary was not only obedient but also courageous. Notice Joseph’s reluctance to move forward with his marriage to Mary because he knew the baby was not his and so he assumed she was unfaithful to him until God sent an angel to him as well. This was complicated enough but God was not done. The Baby had to be born in Bethlehem. Also 700 years earlier, the Jewish prophet Micah prophesied where their Messiah would be born:

“But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, though you are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for Me one who will be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times.” (Micah 5:2)

God used the Roman Caesar to accomplish this. Luke continues:

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to their own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. (Luke 2:1-6)

The trip from Nazareth to Bethlehem is about 90 miles, less then 2 hours by car but over a week by foot. This is about the same distance as from Montclair to Philadelphia. Can you picture this? Imagine yourself in Mary’s place, you are at the end of your first pregnancy and you are leaving everything and everyone you know: your home, your mother, older sisters, your aunts and traveling with a man you have not had sex with yet for 90 miles carrying everything you own on a donkey. And then when you arrive in town, things get worse. There is no place to stay so the only shelter Joseph can find is a barn.

While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a Son. She wrapped Him in cloths and placed Him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them. (Luke 2:7)

Again imagine you are Mary. You are surrounded by cows, chickens, ox, dung and hay, and there you give birth. Your only aide comes from a man who had never witnessed a birth of a baby and also never seen you undressed. How are we doing? How’s her birth story compared to yours so far? Why isn’t this enough drama for a good movie? But the miracles don’t stop coming. Luke continues.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a Baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom His favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the Baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen Him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this Child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. (Luke 2:8-19)

Aren’t you amazed at how God planned for His Son to come to earth? It could have been in any way He wanted, as a powerful prince on white horse, or with all the angels in glory coming down directly from the sky. God could have sent His Son as someone rich, powerful, comfortable and famous with Youtube and Twitter enabling Him to send His message to everyone in the world at once.

But instead God’s perfect plan was for His Son to enter the world as we all do, naked from our mother’s womb, helpless and dependent. He also entered poor and homeless to a teen girl far from home, family, let alone good medical care.

The question this morning for us moms is, why is this original Christmas story important? What can God be saying to us in that He preserved this story so that we can hear it over 2000 years later across the world in New Jersey?

I think God is trying to tell us that moms are important. That God values our contribution even though it often seems small and insignificant. That God sees us and will come to our aid when things get difficult.

And it all began with Mary saying YES to the angel Gabriel. She could have replied anything to the angel, but she said: “I am the Lord’s servant.” That was all she had to do. God took care of everything else. God provided the miraculous conception through the Holy Spirit. God sent an angel to Joseph convincing him not to divorce and disgrace Mary but to move forward with the marriage. God used the Roman Ceasar’s decree to get Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem, the prophesied location for the birth of the Messiah. God even provided a shelter and safety for the baby to be born. It was a hard place to be sure, but it worked out.

That is what God wants from us this Christmas, to say YES to Him and then trust Him for the rest.

Even though Mary did not understand the full implications of what was happening to her, she did understand God’s love and mercy. While she was pregnant, she visited her cousin Elizabeth and doctor Luke records this song she sang:

“Oh, how my soul praises the Lord.
How my spirit rejoices in God my Savior!

For He took notice of His lowly servant girl,
and from now on all generations will call me blessed.

For the Mighty One is holy,
and He has done great things for me.

He shows mercy from generation to generation
to all who fear Him.” (Luke 1:46-50)

That is the story of Christmas, God’s mercy and great love even to this generation of moms today in New Jersey. So Merry Christmas.

Town of Sorrow

Most Bible readers are familiar with the story of Abraham who called by God out of his father’s country to journey to Canaan, the Promised Land. However, hidden in the genealogy of Genesis 11, is the story of his father, Terah, who had already brought Abraham (Abram) halfway.

This is the account of Terah’s family line.

Terah became the father of Abram, Nahor and Haran. And Haran became the father of Lot. While his father Terah was still alive, Haran died in Ur of the Chaldeans, in the land of his birth… Terah took his son Abram, his grandson Lot son of Haran, and his daughter-in-law Sarai, the wife of his son Abram, and together they set out from Ur of the Chaldeans to go to Canaan.

It was Terah who had started the journey to Canaan but he never made it. Why?

But when they came to Haran, they settled there. Terah lived 205 years, and he died in Haran. (Genesis 11:27-32)

Back in biblical times, people lived for hundreds of years. Terah was the first recorded parent who lost a child. Although I have never experienced this, it is said to be the most devastating thing a person can experience. In this case Terah lived for decades after the loss of his son, he even managed to start his journey. But he settled in a place named after his son and never moved. He was half way there, and then stopped, never completing his journey.

The Bible tells us a few simple facts and we are left to wonder. What convinced Terah to start his journey? Why did Terah settle half way there? What led him to stop? Did he give up? Did he find a town named after his son and his grief hit him afresh and was unable to move on? Did he name the town after his son because he was unable to move on?

The thing about a town of sorrow is this:
It's dry, dusty, lonely, and dead

Terah got stuck and settled in his town of sorrow.

Isn’t this what we are tempted do? Surely grief takes time to heal. Some griefs are so deep that they leave a mark that never fades. But God does not want us to get stuck in our sorrow. God knows and understands. He was there weeping with us when our loved one died. Or maybe it was a dream that was lost, or a relationship that could not be reconciled. Maybe foolish choices cost you years of your life. Or maybe you have been profoundly wounded by someone else's evil or a seemingly random event. Whatever it is, it is sad, we need to mourn the loss. We need to feel it and allow ourselves time to heal.

Losses can change our heart for the better as well. It can deepen our empathy, recalibrate our values, strengthen our resolve, come to terms with our limitations, or recognize our sin. Loss can motivate us to do great good. Sorrow can slow us down, it can deepen our joy and it can expand our gratitude for our Savior.

But let’s not decide to stop our journey and live the rest of our lives in our town of sorrow. Let’s rest a while, catch our breath, but let’s not settle there until we die. The Lord has other plans for us and that’s why we are still here.

We should take what we learned from the sorrow. It happened. It mattered. It was important, life changing even. But it can be life changing in a positive way when we continue the journey.

Let’s go follow Him. Let’s find our future, continue our path. It is never too late to follow Him.

So Abram went, as the Lord had told him; and Lot went with him. Abram was seventy-five years old when he set out from Haran. (Genesis 12:4)

Father, help me be like Abram and Lot, never afraid, never too wrapped up in my sorrow to follow You. Thank You for reminding me that I am never too old to be called by You. You are my future and my hope!

Confrontation vs. Retaliation

What is the difference between retaliation and confrontation?

Retaliation is about getting back at someone because they have hurt you. In the Jewish Law, in order to keep law and order between the families and tribes, limits were set for retaliation. Exodus 21:23-25, God instructs His people, “If there is serious injury, you are to take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise.” The point was God was teaching the concept of justice, not to be too harsh but to allow for our desire for fairness. He was protecting us from the way human anger naturally devolves into “the Chicago Way” -- “They pull a knife, you pull a gun. They sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of theirs to the morgue.” (The Untouchables)

God also urge His people to take into account intent in earlier verses 12-14, “Anyone who strikes a person with a fatal blow is to be put to death. However, if it is not done intentionally, but God lets it happen, they are to flee to a place I will designate. But if anyone schemes and kills someone deliberately, that person is to be taken from my altar and put to death.”

However even this is not enough for Jesus who is God’s expression of perfect love. Jesus taught retaliation was not an option in His kingdom. “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.” (Matthew 5:38-40)

The question then becomes—do I become a doormat? Do I allow people to hurt me and say nothing? Do we allow evil to run unchecked?

The answer: choose to confront, not retaliate. We confront with intent to restore the relationship, to make peace. We enforce personal boundaries with kindness. We respectfully express our point of view. We say no and add thank you. We rebuke someone’s dangerous or hurtful behavior with empathy and tenderness. We confront lovingly and directly, face to face.

Jesus demonstrates confrontation with evil (Mark 1:23-26), with religious hypocrites (Matthew 23:13-35), with His own disciples (Mark 8:33), with personal sin John 8:11). He did not shy away from confrontation, but also did not retaliate (Matthew 26:52-53, Luke 23:34).

Like spring flowers,
relationships need tenderness
to bloom and grow

Practicing confrontation in this manner takes courage and self-control. It requires prayer because only the Holy Spirit can give us what it takes to love someone who has hurt you. Only the love of Jesus can change the heart of someone determined to make unwise, dangerous choices. Only self-reflection and humility can prepare us to confront others because our hearts are also selfish and corrupt.

Although this is the more difficult path, it is the only way for relationships to grow and stay healthy. Retaliation kills relationships. Lack of confrontation allows us to stay hurt which will eventually kill the relationship as well.

We must accept that sometimes our confrontation will not produce the results we desire. We can choose to confront, but others too have free choice and may not react as we hope even when we have been kind, respectful, and loving. Sometimes relationships can be restored but not always. We must put our trust in Jesus always who promised, “Blessed (enjoying enviable happiness, spiritually prosperous—with life-joy and satisfaction in God’s favor and salvation, regardless of their outward conditions) are the makers and maintainers of peace, for they shall be called the daughters of God!” (Matthew 5:9, AMP)

Jesus, it is easy to type but so difficult to do in the moment. Help me to confront when necessary and always with kindness and respect. Make me an instrument of Your peace!

Conflict Resolution

Disclaimer: This is not my recommended five easy steps to resolve conflict! Not at all. It is a confession followed by what I’ve learned during the Liquid Church LoveComesToTown series…

I am bad at conflict resolution. I begin as a TURTLE. Before an argument gets heated up, I change the subject or I offer excuses (often very lame ones). I toss out the forgive-and-forget cards before their appropriate time, and so the conflict does not resolve, it only gets kicked down the road. If the conflict continues, I lapse into the MOCKING BIRD. I do not directly attack, but I make snide, sarcastic remarks. I complain to my friends. I‘m passive aggressive by attempting to manipulate others and trying to get my way through a workaround. I try to enlist other people with influence to assist me because after all I only want to “help” make the situation right. Finally, as the conflict escalates I become the SKUNK and stink up the place with my harsh words, demands, and idle threats. Yes, I am very bad at conflict resolution!

Jesus, in contrast, was excellent in conflict resolution, as Mark 3:1-6 (GNT) illustrates:

Then Jesus went back to the synagogue, where there was a man who had a paralyzed hand. Some people were there who wanted to accuse Jesus of doing wrong; so they watched him closely to see whether he would cure the man on the Sabbath. Jesus said to the man, “Come up here to the front.” Then he asked the people, “What does our Law allow us to do on the Sabbath? To help or to harm? To save someone's life or to destroy it?”

But they did not say a thing. Jesus was angry as he looked around at them, but at the same time he felt sorry for them, because they were so stubborn and wrong. Then he said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and it became well again. So the Pharisees left the synagogue and met at once with some members of Herod's party, and they made plans to kill Jesus.

Jesus was not a TURTLE. He did not avoid this conflict. He initiated it. He knew there was an elephant in the room and refused to step around it. He was not merely concerned with healing the man with the paralyzed hand. He was concerned about the condition of the hearts of the Pharisees, those who wished to accuse Him. Jesus could have avoided the confrontation by healing the man the next day or in private. But He didn’t. He did not try to appease the Pharisees and others who were trying to accuse and destroy Him. He did not fear their reaction or retaliation, even though they were the ones with the political power. He brought them the truth and left the results and their reaction up to them.

Jesus was not a MOCKING BIRD. He did not sink to ridicule or sarcasm.

Jesus was not a SKUNK either. He did not rant or accuse them of wrong-doing. He did not command them to do anything. Although clearly angry, He demonstrated self-control. His remarks were simple and to the point. He asked a succinct question that demonstrated what was in their hearts. In the end, Jesus was the one who did good by healing the man’s hand. The Pharisees did evil by making plans to kill Jesus.

Jesus was angry here, but He did not sin. His motive was pure. He was grieved because of the hard hearts of the Pharisees because they were His people who represented God to the nation of Israel. They were more interested in following their rules than compassion. Jesus demonstrated His love for them because He used the opportunity to show them the truth even though it cost Him.

Jesus was more interested in truth than in the reactions of others. And yet, He was not about proving He was right as much as trying to get them to see the condition of their own hearts.

Paul tells the Ephesians (5:21) Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. We think that means we need to be nice to everyone at all times, no matter how they are acting. I think we misread it. I think we need to be led by the Spirit to first to determine what is the loving thing to do or say dependent on the situation and people involved. Paul also told the Thessalonians (5:14) And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. Some people need to be warned, others encouraged and helped. Sometimes I need to humble myself and ask for forgiveness! How can I tell the difference? Certainly not by a list of rules.

In order to resolve conflict first I need to gently ask questions and patiently listen to others. Unlike Jesus, I cannot assume what is on anyone's mind unless they tell me.  I must examine my own motives. I need to rely on prayer and the power of the Holy Spirit to discern what God is leading me to do and the courage to do it. Although sometimes, as it did for Jesus, it does not turn out well, I need to follow the Spirit and trust the outcome to God.

Dear Jesus, please help me listen first and turn to You for the discernment and courage I need to resolve conflict in a way that honors You!

Dealing with Your Very Draining People (VDP)

How do you deal with a very draining person? Maybe they are demanding or destructive; or maybe they are merely disappointing or difficult. What is your usual reaction?

Do you bark back in anger? Or do you silently fume? Do you change the subject or cut the phone call short? Or do you try to please and accommodate so they will stop the rampage? Do you try to talk it out and explain your position? Or do you deem the conversation as hopeless and complain to your sister instead?

Maybe your tactic changes depending on the person in front of you. Do you accommodate your boss but later take your pent up emotions out on your kids? Do you vent on your mom but are sweet as pie to your boy friend? Do you have a new friend who you talk things out with but that old friend from high school, well, you know how that discussion will turn out so why bother?

This was our discussion this week at church and also in our small groups. We talked about the people we experienced as draining and our reactions to them. What was the right reaction? For the answers, we searched the gospels and read some of the interactions Jesus had with draining people in John 3:1-21, Matthew 12:1-15 and Luke 14:1-14.

We saw Jesus' reaction to people wasn't a reaction at all. Jesus knew what He was about and He was not deterred by other's questions or actions towards Him.  He spoke to people from the heart about the real issues (John 3:3, Luke 14:7). He used illustrations to help others understand His position (Luke 14:6, Matthew 12:11). There were times when He walked away (Matthew 12:14-15) but that was due to His being obedient to the timing of His Father. It was not intended to avoid conflict. Actually, He invited conflict at times, and used the conflict to point to truth (Luke 12:3).

Jesus listened to the people who came to Him with questions, no matter what their motives were. Jesus knew when their real plan was not to obtain answers but to trap Him. Nevertheless, He did not back away, but answered them directly with truth and used the opportunity to reveal important information regarding the kingdom of heaven (Mark 10:2-9, Matthew 22:16-22, Luke 12:13-21, Luke 15:1-10, Luke 18:18-30).

When the time came for Jesus to face the most destructive people, He prepared Himself with prayer (Luke 22:41-43). He did not do what would come naturally as a human man, but what His Father wanted. He prayed and received not only direction but also supernatural strength.

Why do you react as you do to the draining people in your life? Do you act as your parents modeled or are you doing the exact opposite because of how it worked out for them? Were you hurt or rejected at a prior time of life and swore to yourself never to be hurt like that again? Do you act to avoid conflict and anger because "Christians don't get angry" or do you confront others harshly because "Christians must stand for truth”?

I confess I usually assess the situation and try to use the approach that would work out for the best (read: "for my benefit").

Like the ocean can be raging or calm
depending on the wind,
so we must allow the wind of the Spirit
to control our reactions to others.

Jesus did what He saw the Father doing. Jesus was controlled by the Spirit. Nothing anyone else did controlled or deterred Him. And the really good news is the very same Spirit lives inside of us when we commit our lives to Christ.

I came to the conclusion there is no specific right or wrong way to deal with difficult people. Each person, each situation, each time is different. Sometimes it is best to confront with love. Sometimes it is good to try to understand and be understood. Sometimes it is best to walk away and cool off. Sometime it is good to submit to another's ways. Sometimes it is better to say "this time, I want to decide." Sometimes it is even best to be harsh (Matthew 23:1-36, John 3:13-17). God knows which is best and He desires to tell us, moment by moment as we walk with Him, pray to Him, listen to Him. And we can count on His angels to strengthen us as well so we can do His will.

Sometimes as we obey God we find things don't work out exactly as we would like. That is where faith comes in, when we learn to trust God will work all things together for good (Romans 8:28). We obey God and trust the results to Him.

And of course, we need to ask ourselves (and God) the important question: in this situation, is the draining person ME?

Just saying.

And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. (1 Thessalonians 5:14)

Angels and Inspiration

YoungLives Tea October 17, 2015

 

My favorite angel is Gabriel. He is most often remembered for his visit with Mary the mother of Jesus, but before then, he visited Zechariah the priest. Zechariah and his wife Elizabeth were good people but they were childless because Elizabeth was not able to conceive, and at the time they were both very old.

Gabriel visited Zechariah while he performed his priestly duties in the temple. Gabriel announced that Zechariah and Elizabeth would give birth to a son, who would become John the Baptist, but Zechariah did not believe him. The angel’s response was:

 “I am Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God, and I have been sent to speak to you and to tell you this good news. ” (Luke 1:19)

The word “angel” means “messenger.” Here God had a message for Zechariah, but he doesn’t believe Him, even though the angel Gabriel stood before him in all his splendor.

Like Zechariah, we are also witness to a glorious miracle but it is so hard for us to see. The story of Zechariah and Gabriel must have been a favorite in their community at that time and repeated often. Eventually, Elizabeth told it to Mary, Mary told it to Luke who wrote it down for a friend, and that story was copied over and over again, first with ink on parchment and eventually with machines on paper, for 2,000 years. Even though Zechariah, Mary and Luke had no idea at the time, God preserved it for us to hear it today.

I believe God’s message from the angel is for us too. He has something to say to us, something He wants us to believe and something He wants us to do, if we would only hear Him.

 

The story of Gideon is another example of an angel with a message. Gideon lived in the period of Judges and his story is told in chapter 6. At that time, the Israelites were in the Promised Land but because they had failed obey God’s command to drive out the evil nations who lived there before, these nations continued to invade their communities.  The army of the nation of Midian ruined the Israelite’s crops and slaughtered their livestock. Gideon and his people were impoverished and lived in terror. When the Angel of the Lord appeared to him, Gideon was threshing wheat in a winepress, which is essential a pit. He was hiding from the Midian army.

 

¹² When the Angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.”

¹³ “Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? … now the Lord has abandoned us and given us into the hand of Midian.”  (Judges 6)

Gideon felt abandoned by God because of the situation he was in. When you are at the bottom of a hole, hiding from your enemies, you feel pretty hopeless. The angel reminded Gideon, and us as well, that God is with us. He has plans for us if we would trust Him.

¹⁴ The Lord turned to [Gideon] and said, “Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?”

¹⁵ “Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest … and I am the least in my family.”

¹⁶ The Lord answered, “I will be with you, and you will strike down all the Midianites, leaving none alive.” (Judges 6)

Gideon was afraid with good reason. Midian had a massive, powerful army. But although the odds were stacked against him, God intended him to be a mighty warrior.  

Do you feel small and unworthy like Gideon? Do you feel unable to cope with what you have to do day by day? Me too. God reminds us that although He calls us to what seems impossible, He is with us. He will give us the wisdom, the strength, and the courage, to do whatever He put in our hand.

Even though we feel inept, unprepared, and unable to do what must be done, God is with us, and He is all we need. We often cannot see how He can use us, but He will. Maybe in a big way as He used Gideon. Maybe in a more modest way. But whatever way, it will be important. And it will be enough. As we rely on His Holy Spirit in us in our everyday lives, He transforms us into the women we are meant to be.

¹⁷ Gideon replied, “If now I have found favor in your eyes, give me a sign that it is really you talking to me. ¹⁸ Please do not go away until I come back and bring my offering and set it before you.”

And the Lord said, “I will wait until you return.”

¹⁹ Gideon went inside, prepared a young goat, and … made bread without yeast… the Angel of the Lord touched the meat and the unleavened bread with the tip of the staff that was in his hand. Fire flared from the rock, consuming the meat and the bread. And the Angel of the Lord disappeared. (Judges 6)

Gideon was not only afraid, he also lacked faith. This magnificent angel stood right in front of him, and yet, he did not believe. He asked for a sign. God was patient with Gideon, even in his unwillingness to trust Him.

Do you lack faith? Me too! God is patient with us. He waits for us to be ready to believe and obey. He gently urges us and encourages us but never forces us. As the angel did here for Gideon, God is always willing to show off and do big things to remind us we can trust Him. He is faithful even when we lack faith.

²² When Gideon realized that it was the Angel of the Lord, he exclaimed, “Alas, Sovereign Lord! I have seen the Angel of the Lord face to face!”

²³ But the Lord said to him, “Peace! Do not be afraid. You are not going to die.”

²⁴ So Gideon built an altar to the Lord there and called it The Lord Is Peace… (Judges 6)

God has come not to destroy us, but to give us life and peace. Stepping out in faith can be scary. God was so gentle with this man who became a warrior leader. We can trust He will be gentle and patient with us when we struggle to step out in faith.

²⁵ That same night the Lord said to him, “Tear down your father’s altar to Baal.” … ²⁷ So Gideon took ten of his servants and did as the Lord told him… (Judges 6)

God told Gideon to take down his idols. It seems silly that ancient people would make figures of wood or stone and then think they were god. But I do the same thing when I trust in other people instead of God. How about you?

Do you bring your troubles to friends to discuss before you turn to God in prayer? Do you find yourself trusting in your job and your 401K for provision? Do you trust in our government officials or your insurance policy to protect you? Do you place your confidence in your doctor or medicine to heal you? Don’t get me wrong, a 401K, insurance policy and medicine are all good things and we should use them as the Lord leads. However, I have found all these things will eventually disappoint us. It is God who provides, protects and heals us. God reminds us to tear down those alters and trust Him most of all. He alone is worthy of our worship.

Gideon obeyed God but did it in the dark of night because he knew his neighbors would be furious, and in the morning when they discovered what he did, they were.

³⁰ The people of the town demanded of Joash [Gideon’s father], “Bring out your son. He must die, because he has broken down Baal’s altar.” (Judges 6)

When we take steps of faith, when we talk about what we believe, we must expect some people to react negatively. Some will argue with us, dismiss us, ridicule us and talk about us behind our back. Let’s not be surprised. But there will be others who will see and desire our faith. In all, we need to trust God.

Let me tell you about Gideon’s battle and how the story ends.

¹⁹ Gideon and the … men with him reached the edge of the [Midian army’s] camp at the beginning of the middle watch, just after they had changed the guard. They blew their trumpets and broke the jars that were in their hands… ²⁰ Grasping the torches in their left hands and holding in their right hands the trumpets they were to blow, they shouted, “A sword for the Lord and for Gideon!” ²¹ While each man held his position around the camp, all the Midianites ran, crying out as they fled. ²² …the Lord caused the men throughout the camp to turn on each other with their swords. (Judges 7)

God used Gideon and only 300 men to defeat the enormous Midian army. Note, there was no bloodshed for Gideon’s people because the Midianites killed each other.  It was an outrageous miracle, just as the angel of the Lord promised.

We can lose sight that this life is a battle. We are fighting a war. In Israel women bear arms and fight against the enemy. In the Kingdom of God, we must too. God calls us to be brave and to trust Him. He is still in the business of doing outrageous miracles.

We all have a Midian in our life. Maybe for you it is caring for young children or an elderly parent. Maybe it is a loss of a job or a job that is so stressful it is killing you. Maybe there is a secret sin you are afraid to reveal, or you carry the burden of your teen’s or husband’s secret sin. Maybe your Midian is sickness or death of a loved one. Whatever it is, you feel like Gideon: impoverished, terrified, and in a hole. You are sure God has abandoned you.

Let us remember that God preserved these words for centuries for us to hear today. I believe the Angel of the Lord’s message is for us, just as He spoke to Gideon long ago. Please hear the words of the Angel of the Lord:

I see you as the mighty woman I always intended you to be.

Go. I am sending you.

I am with you and will give you all the strength you need.

I am patient. I will wait for you.

I am your peace. Do not be afraid.

Take down your idols and trust Me alone.

I am faithful.