Train of Death

I could see the light in the distance and hear it coming towards us. At first it seemed so far away. I thought I had enough time to get her off the tracks. But the chains were too strong and could not be broken. So intent was I in trying to get her free and calm her fears that I did not notice the speed of the train. I looked up again and it was closer. I could see it clearly speeding towards us now, feel the rumblings beneath the tracks, hear the whistle warning. Now we both were afraid. She began to plead for me to leave her be, stop struggling with the chains that could not be broken. The train was coming for her and we could not stop it and I could not move her. As it came closer I could see her surrendering to the motion of the tracks, the inevitability of the train that would crush her. I stayed until the final moment, holding her hand, telling her I loved her and then, at the last moment, as she would have wanted me to, I let go and stepped back as the train of death took her spirit away from me.

She was there in the bed when I came back after her struggle was over. When I touched her again she was warm at first but then as we waited, she turned cold. And still. And silent.

Mom surrounded by love

How could this woman, so vibrant, so warm, so garrulous and full of life be so still, so cold, so silent, so dead?

The Train of Death came for her. After I watched it so closely and struggled to loose the chains so passionately I realized how real it was. How it will come for all of us. Some day it will come for me.

We gave them the last dress for her to wear, picked out the flowers, wrote the pretty words describing her life. We greeted the friends and family, they spoke of her love, their love, her life. 

We gathered the photos in frames and in books. We boxed up the jewelry. I looked at each article of clothing, put some in bags, some special ones in my drawers.  Is this a life, an accumulation of things? Was it not in her love? Her passion for life and for all of us? Her wisdom, her examples of kindness, her courage to keep going even when it was hard? We can not gather those things up, as they are already inside us. We can give away her kindness. We can share with others her love. We can emulate her courage and continue without her to enjoy life. 

We can miss her with every photo we want to share with her that she will not be there to see; with every story we want to tell her but she will not be there to hear. She was a woman who loved people. She liked solitude at times but did not want to be alone. But on that track, she wanted to take no one with her. She knew that time she needed to be alone. Her last act of courage. 

As we watch the train of death crush another we love, we realize how fragile we are. How random life seems. Even when it is long, it never is long enough.

This is why Jesus came, to give us back our birthright to eternal life. He Himself is the gate, the way, the life. To open that gate, He subjected Himself to the train of death. Unlike my mother, Jesus could have broken the chains and walked away and escaped the train of death, but He did not. He allowed death to crush Him and in that take away our sins, the evil that entraps us so that we can be released to have eternal life with God.

But how can we know for sure? My mother was a control freak; she also trained me to be as well but she was the queen. She did not want anyone to run her life, which was why being sick and dependent at the end was so agonizing for her. Did she, like me, have doubts about God? How can we be sure God is good? That heaven is indeed a paradise we would love and not a trap by a harsh, demanding, controlling God? Do I even want to go there? Sadly my heart sometimes still ask these questions. Did she too?   

"I have glorified You on the earth" (John 17:4) Jesus told His disciples on His last night with them.  Jesus had spent His life showing us the glory of God: His goodness, His mercy, His power, His justice. He healed the sick. He released those oppressed by evil demons. He unburdened His people from oppressive religious practices that God never commanded. He freed them from shame, pride, bigotry, hate, lust, greed. He demonstrated compassion for the children, the women, the poor. He showed that individuals must be evaluated by their faith, even a Roman soldier, a pagan woman, a nationalist zealot and a tax collector. 

Jesus opened the gate for them all to enter and He showed us a glimpse of the beauty and glory of His Kingdom. As if what He said to us was: Don't you trust Me? Well, it is hard to blame you! This world is a hot mess and the people in it  demonstrate that they can't be trusted. Here, see for yourself how I lived My life. See the Good and Eternal Glorious Life that I long to give you, that I was so passionate to share with you that I allowed the train of death to crush Me for all your mistakes, your regrets, your shame. 

Taste and see that the Lord is good... (Psalm 34:8)  

At the end, mom could not swallow anything. I used a toothbrush to wet her mouth on that last day. Eventually, even that was impossible. Right before I left her that night, her eyes locked open. I talked to her, tried to make her see me but I know she could not see. The train of death was too close to her. Her time to see, her time to taste on this earth was over.   

But you, dear reader, still can taste and see. Look to the Lord. Reach out to Jesus. See that He is good. He loves you. He is waiting for you to trust Him.

...blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him. (Psalm 34:8)

What even I could not see with my eyes that night was Jesus. Her body was left with me, cold and still but in truth Jesus took her spirit to paradise. I believe there I will someday see her again, beautiful and full of life. 

Jesus said to her, “I am the Resurrection and the Life. The one who believes in Me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in Me will never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11:25-26)