Skunks and Turtles

When it comes to conflict resolution people can be describes as skunks or turtles.

Skunks are conflict enjoyers. They face conflict head-on and want to resolve it immediately but tend to be verbal, pushy, aggressively describing their reasons and logic or passions to the other person. In short, they stink up the place, like a skunk.

Skunks mean well. In their head they hear the words of Jesus, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift." (Matthew 5:23-24). Resolving conflict is important. Right?

Turtles are conflict avoiders. They dislike conflict so they keep it to themselves, deny there is a problem, or minimize it, rationalize it or try to forget it. They change the subject, leave the room, hang up the phone, or turn the TV up louder. In short, they retreat into their shell and hide, like a turtle.

Turtles mean well. In their head they hear the words of Jesus, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire." (Matthew 5:21-22) Being meek, kind, patient is important. Right?

Funny these two quotes of Jesus are right next to each other in the Sermon on the Mount. They are meant to be considered together. And mostly because God has a great sense of humor, it often seems like He has designed us to be attracted to the opposite type. Skunks tend to be attracted to turtles, and turtles to skunks. 

Skunks are wrong because in their passion to be heard, they can be experienced as not loving. They can criticize and accuse the other person, assigning motives without first trying to understand. This behavior can drive people away from them and the conflict, sadly because what the skunk really desired was intimacy.

Turtles are wrong because they can allow the hurt to fester and make them bitter towards the other person. In their effort to bring peace they stuff the pain inside but end up leaking instead, acting manipulative, passive-aggressive, with thinly veiled snarky remarks. This behavior can drive people away from turtles when what they really desired was intimacy.

 

What to do? How about we read the rest of Jesus' sermon? Matter of fact, let's start at the beginning.

 

“Blessed [spiritually prosperous, happy, to be admired] are the poor in spirit [those devoid of spiritual arrogance, those who regard themselves as insignificant, the humble], for theirs is the kingdom of heaven [both now and forever].

“Blessed [forgiven, refreshed by God’s grace] are those who mourn [over their sins and repent], for they will be comforted [when the burden of sin is lifted].

“Blessed [inwardly peaceful, spiritually secure, worthy of respect] are the meek, gentle [the patient, kind-hearted, the sweet-spirited, the self-controlled], for they will inherit the earth.

“Blessed [joyful, nourished by God’s goodness] are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness [those who actively seek right standing with God, trying to do the right thing according to His will], for they will be [completely] satisfied.

“Blessed [content, sheltered by God’s promises] are the merciful, for they will receive mercy.

“Blessed [anticipating God’s presence, spiritually mature] are the pure in heart [those with integrity, moral courage, and godly character, attitudes and motives], for they will see God.

“Blessed [spiritually calm with life-joy in God’s favor] are the makers and maintainers of peace who show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight, for they will [express His character and] be called the sons and daughters of God.

“Blessed [comforted by inner peace and God’s love] are those who are persecuted for doing that which is morally right, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven [both now and forever].

“Blessed [morally courageous and spiritually alive with life-joy in God’s goodness] are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil things against you because of [your association with] Me. Be glad and exceedingly joyful, for your reward in heaven is great [absolutely inexhaustible]; for in this same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Matthew 5:3-12 AMP revised)

 

As we bravely pursue righteousness by entering into peacemaking conversations, these are the highlights of what we need to pray for and strive for:

• Being humble and devoid of spiritual or intellectual arrogance.
• Being willing to look at our our failings and mourn over the harm and hurt that causes others.
• Being patient, gentle, kindhearted and self-controlled as we listen to and interact with others.
• Trying to do the right things, as much as we understand God's will.
• Showing mercy and forgiveness to others when they fail.
• Consider our motives and attitudes to make sure they are rooted in a godly character.
• Striving to cooperate and not compete or fight.

We also need to have courage. Courage to try to work things out and engage when there is the possibility that we may be hurt, insulted, slandered, or rejected. Jesus tells us here to expect these things and rejoice. Our reward for peacemaking is not here on earth. Our reward is in heaven, kept safe for us by Him.

 

I get disappointed when I try and things don't "work out". But that is a bad goal. It is the wrong goal. Our goal is the Kingdom, not earthly perfection. We do the right thing, with the right attitude and trust the Spirit to work out the rest. 

Beloved, You know where I land with this. I remember demonstrating the worst parts of both the skunk and the turtle. Please forgive me! On my own, I am hopelessly lost in my sinful pattern but my hope is in Your power of Your Holy Spirit in me. This year, help me follow You in these things and help me to encourage others to do the same. You are our hope. Help us trust You more.