Patience. That was my word
for 2019. I was going to write something about it at the beginning of the year
but truth be told, I had nothing meaningful to say. I often say I have the
patience of a three year old, which may be an exaggeration, I don’t have quite
that much. Instead I often prided myself on being a person who makes things
happen, as opposed to others who only watch things happen, or worse, are left
wondering what happened.
However, my journey with
Jesus has continued to show me that it is not always a good thing. Action can
be an indication of impatience and impatience is an indication of distrust. I
don’t trust you to get this done right, so I will do it. I don’t trust your
word when you say you will do something, so I will do it. I don’t trust you
will figure this out, so I will instruct you, even though you did not ask
me. I don’t trust you will remember to
leave on time to meet me, so I call you or text you to remind you. Over and over and over.
Worst of all, I don’t
believe God will work things together for good so I try to help Him. I worry. I
am anxious, whiny and grumpy. I don’t trust you or God so I have to do
everything myself. And it is
exhausting.
So this year I thought
about patience. Not about the action of patience, because I was not even sure
what that is. I thought about the motivations behind my impatience. What were
the things I was doing that showed impatience? And then the more difficult
question: what do I do instead?
Because the truth is, I
can’t control everything. I can’t make things happen, or stop things from
happening. This year, despite dedicated prayers, two dear friends lost their
battle with cancer. Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your
life? [Matthew 6:27] I miss them. But Jesus reminds me this is not the end of
my relationship with them. They are whole and happy in the arms of Jesus and I
will see them again. I will see them all, and my list is long now of family and
friends gone. I think of their names
and see their faces, dear and sweet as I close my eyes. I will see them in
glory and they will be even more glorious than my memories. This is not the
end. The end will be good.
So, Beloved this year You
have shown me what I can do instead.
For those who I have lost,
for the prayers unanswered, the dreams dashed that will never come true, I
can weep, because Jesus comforts those who mourn.
For the worries of today,
the things I would change but cannot, the things that I still wait for, I
can pray, because Jesus helps those who ask Him. He helps me not only by
saying yes, but also by His presence as I wait, helping to quiet my heart, and
then also my mouth. He reminds me this is His world, but not the perfect one He
created. That is yet to come.
For people who do not
believe as I do, I can respect them and ask Jesus to help me learn and
understand them. My goal can be to listen, to understand, have compassion
not to convince them that my way is right or better.
I can stop rehearsing
my speeches to them. The Holy Spirit will instruct me at the time what to say, if I should even say anything at all. It is one
thing to think things over. It is another to rehearse the dialogue when there
is only my voice in my head. The best part of the dialogue is that there are
two voices, both adding to understanding.
When things are not going
the way I think is best, I can stop helping and trust the Author to finish
the story. It is His story after all. Sometimes He works it out quickly,
sometimes it is centuries later, but the end is good. I can trust that even if
I never see the ending.
Patience is about trust
in God.
Jesus, You have shown me
over and over again that You are worthy of my trust and yet my actions
demonstrate that I have not trusted You. That is my fault. I demonstrated I did
not even trust my own mother in the post Where She Left Me Standing. Of
course she was coming for me. Of course she would never leave me on that
corner. She came every time. She was not perfect, she was late, but her love
and devotion to me was unfailing. And yet I did not see that love. I only saw
her time was not on time for me. What made me right and her wrong? Maybe God’s
intent was to teach me the patience that I failed to learn. And so, stubborn, willful and self-righteous,
I spent my life stuck in the anxiety of impatience, not trusting anyone but
controlling because of my own fault, not hers. She always showed up. It was me
who failed to trust.
Beloved, I can say I trust
You but if I cannot wait in patience, You will not believe me and with good
reason. Even this, I cannot do without Your Spirit. Allow me to trust You. Even
if others cannot be trusted, even though the world is evil, You work all for
the good. You have overcome the world. You can be trusted. And as I trust You,
I will demonstrate patience.
I know that everything
God does will last forever. You can't add anything to it or take anything away
from it. And one thing God does is to make us stand in awe of Him.
-- Ecclesiastes 3:14
