Presented to Montclair MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers)
Today’s topic is effective communication and conflict resolution. My goal today is not only to discuss it, but to help you to actually do it better. So I will need your participation.
Think about a person in your life with whom you struggle to resolve conflict effectively. Maybe it’s a friend or relative. Maybe it is a neighbor or co-worker. Maybe it’s a brother or sister or your husband. Maybe you can think of several people, but pick just one. Ok, do you have one? Please keep that person in mind as we discuss the topic this morning.
My person is my mom. Now, my mom is a wonderful person and if you met her, you’d probably like her a lot. She is friendly, extremely outgoing, kind, generous, cheerful, and smart. But like everyone, she has her faults. She is controlling and stubborn. She has your best interest at heart as she tells you firmly and enthusiastically how to live your life. She is just being honest, telling it like it is and she only wants to help.
I have heard there are, generally speaking, two types of people: conflict avoiders and conflict enjoyers. Conflict avoiders are like turtles, they avoid conflict and when engaged, they pull away into their shells. Conflict enjoyers are like skunks, they love to engage in conflict and when they do they stink up with place with their aggressive behavior. The problem with me and my mom is she is a conflict enjoyer and I am a conflict avoider. Our routine would be her trying to tell me how I can better run my life and me changing the subject or making up an excuse to hang up the phone. This went on for decades.
Then inevitable happened. This past October my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. We all knew what that meant. Death is part of life, it is inevitable. The best we can hope and pray for is a good end. And my mother had a good end. She lived to age 94 and was alert and active until the last few weeks. She died in January surrounded by family and friends who loved her.
As I watched her health rapidly decline I was grateful to God I had finally learned to effectively communicate with her and resolve conflict. The pinnacle of that endeavor convinced her to move from a single family home in Toms River (1 ½ hours away) to a nearby senior living community (only a half hour away) a year before her illness. This made our last months together good for both of us. This is what is motivating me to have this conversation with you. I had no idea what hung in the balance of me taking this topic seriously. I would suggest neither do you.
I am no expert. I am just a satisfied customer. And I am still learning and practicing these ideas. The best material I found was in these two books I highly recommend to you for further study:
- Crucial Conversations – Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler
- When to Walk Away – Finding Freedom From Toxic People by Gary Thomas
If you are follower of Jesus Christ, this is not optional. Jesus simplified the 100s of Jewish laws into just two commands, the second one being: “Love one another.” Jesus stated in the gospel of John 13:34, and it was repeated at least 18 other times in the New Testament. The other Bible verse I kept going back to as I sought to learn how to resolve conflict in my relationships was from the letter to the Romans verse 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
But it is so hard, isn’t it? Exhausting, annoying, painful, frustrating and often it seems futile. At least that was my experience with the people in my life. My mother was too controlling. My husband was too stubborn. My daughter was too sensitive. My boss didn’t value my wisdom or experience. Some friends seemed too fragile. Others were too opinionated. And with each one we seemed to experience the same conflict over and over and never get anywhere.
However I did notice there was a common denominator in all of this. It was me. In every conflict there I was. So the light bulb went on. The source of the problem could be me! That was demoralizing and powerful all at once. Because I found I could not control others but I could control me! If I could get my part of this right that was all God was asking me to do.
Jesus said, “Why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, ‘Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.” (Luke 6:41-42)
I began by reflecting on how I could get rid of the log in my eye first by considering how was I interacting with others. Who were the people I was having conflict with? I thought past what we were arguing about to why it bothered me. And the timing. Did the argument always start right after school or work? Right before bed? As we are desperately trying to get out of the house in the morning? It was also important to think about timing for the other person too. If I know my husband can’t process anything after 8 pm, then that is never the time to start an important discussion. All these things tell me important information about how I handle conflict and how I could be more effective.
I also thought about how I was reacting in the conversations. Here are some communication methods that destroy dialog:
- Exaggeration – such as using “always” or “never”, as in “You always are late” or “You never help around the house”. Instead it is better to focus on a specific behavior, a specific time and explain how it made me feel.
- Trait names – such as calling others a loser, a liar, or a jerk, or worse. When I call others names I am telling the person who they are to me, what their identity is. This is the opposite of what Christ does for us, as He calls us His precious children, made in His image.
- Sarcasm – This is expressing contempt or ridicule, such as with snide remarks, little digs, and snarky comments. Even if this behavior does not cause an immediate blow-up, it will generate bad-will with others and doesn’t resolve the issue. All these things provoke the other person to anger not peace. It encouraged them to be defensive and blame me, not to listen to my needs or try to resolve the conflict.
- Disrespect – Not only what we say but also tone, gestures, facial expressions and body language can all communicate disrespect. This includes rolling our eyes, folding our arms, tapping our foot or fingers, or raising our voice to name a few. Especially for men, this can totally shut them down. Better for me to focus on being kind and gentle, no matter how they are responding to me. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1) After working in customer service for over a decade, I can attest this is absolutely true. It was what I practiced during phone calls with irate clients and 9 out of 10 times, it produced good results.
- Getting Historical – No, I don’t mean hysterical although that is not the best either. I mean rehearsing all the things the other person has done in the past that were wrong or hurtful. It tells the other person I assume they can never change; they can never be forgiven. It gets us stuck and can motivate them to give up and no longer try because, why bother?
- Mind-reading – I am always so tempted to assume what the other person is thinking, and always to assume the worst. Here is where listening is so important! Don’t assume, ask them. Then I restate what I think they said to make sure there is understanding.
- Stonewalling – This is refusing to cooperate or continue to communicate further on the topic or with a person, shutting down the dialog altogether. This was my favorite trick, to change the subject or come up with an excuse to hang up the phone. For me this was a defense because I felt like the discussion was going nowhere or I was losing. Often people stonewall because they do not feel safe to continue the discussion. Therefore it is important to make others feel safe to continue the dialogue.
set in their ways that there is no point having the conversation? I asked God to reveal truth to me and show me where I was the problem. Taking time to reflect and being honest with myself has been very clarifying and beneficial. These are the questions I ask myself:
- What is my role in the problem? Even if it is small, it is important.
- Am I really open to the other person’s viewpoints?
- Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person do this, say this or feel this way?
- How can I confidently yet respectfully express my own views?
- What is it about my own attitudes and motives that I need to repent of before the conversation starts?
I also took the time to determine what I wanted and needed.
- What exactly is the issue that we need to resolve? What do I want to gain?
- What do I not want to lose?
- What did I really want in this relationship overall? Sometimes when we win on the issue we can lose on the relationship. If the relationship is important to you, that’s not really a win, is it?
- What do I need to forgive? Where do I need to ask for forgiveness?
- How important is this specific issue to me? Sometimes it helps to give it a number value.
1: I’m not enthusiastic but it’s no big deal
2: I don’t agree but I can let you have your way
3: I don’t approve and need more time
4: I strongly disapprove and can’t go along with this
5: Over my dead body!
When the issue is valued at a 1 or 2 for us, we can choose to submit. Submitting to others is a kindness that can pay dividends with increased good-will. Those are the easy ones. But make sure you are honest in your valuing what is important to you or it can create bad-will for you. - Boundaries are important to clearly express. What will we not put up with? We must be clear to others on the consequences of not respecting our boundaries. We also must be honest with ourselves on whether we will be able to enforce those consequences or not.
The closer the relationship, the easier it is to get caught up in our emotions, especially anger and fear. It is so easy to default into familiar patterns even if they have not worked in the past. I have found the best defense is spending time reflecting on my behavior and my values before I initiate any discussion. I pray and ask God what He wants from this relationship. I confess my past bad behavior and attitudes. I ask Him for direction, courage and self-control.
Sometimes we are not the one initiating the conversation. It comes unexpectedly and we are blindsided and unprepared. Sometimes it is just a bad time of day or week. There is nothing wrong with asking the other to postpone the discussion so we have time to think, to get a handle on our emotions and evaluate what we want. When we are the one to initiate a conversation, we should also allow the other person the option to take the time they need.
But we need to get back to it. Jesus said, “Therefore, if you are bringing an offering to God and you remember that your brother is angry at you or holds a grudge against you, then leave your gift before the altar, go to your brother, repent and forgive one another, be reconciled, and then return to the altar to offer your gift to God.” (Matthew 5:23-24) I think the most important word there is GO. We cannot have peace with God while we are at odds with another. We should not wait for someone to come to us. We should not avoid the conflict. We are commanded to be the initiator. I confess, this is hard for me, as I am the conflict avoider! I have the conversation in my head and I play both parts. If I lose the argument then I won’t have it. But I have repented of this. I no longer assume what the other will say. I ask them and are often surprised at the result!
As we engage with others, let’s take to heart this wisdom: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:9)
- So first: Listen to others, taking in not only what they think but also how they feel.
- Do not interrupt with your arguments or judgments. Show them the respect to allow them to share their thoughts fully until they feel they are done. Sharing your ideas can come later. They will be more apt to listen to you when you patiently listen to them first.
- Reflect back to them what you think they said to make sure you understand correctly.
- Ask questions to discover more information. Ask why questions: why did they do that? Why do they feel this way? Sometimes it is helpful to ask about their family of origin, or other past relationships. Do not assume you know their motives, instead ask them to share. Be curious, be patient, be sincere. Start with looking to understand not to push for agreement. Deciding how to resolve the issue can come later.
- Be respectful and kind to make it safe for them to tell you what they really think and how they really feel.
Even knowing these are good things, I often ask myself, am I doing them? Where am I falling short? It is easy and it feels much better to notice where the other person is behaving badly. But that is much less productive. When we focus on our part, we can make progress, no matter what the other person does.
As we start to speak ourselves, SLOW is a good word to remember.
- First, apologize for your past mistakes or bad behavior if needed. Never underestimate how disarming a heartfelt apology can be! It can soften the heart of the other person and make them feel safe and open to hear what you have to say.
- Share what you want and how you feel. Express your boundaries clearly.
- Help them understand how important it is to you and why.
- Do not judge their actions as right or wrong, just explain how it affects you.
- Be factual but gentle remembering what we say might hurt them. Lead with compassion. You want to minimize their hurt but still tell the truth.
- Correct any misconceptions or false assumptions, theirs or yours.
- Try to find common ground. Don’t feel you have to close the deal. Accept their position even if you do not feel it is right or good. If your boundaries will permit, leave the door open for future dialog. Sometimes people need time to process.
- Don’t allow the other’s attitude or methods to rule how you engage with them. Just because they are acting badly, does not mean you need to retaliate. Even if others are not worthy of respect, we can still be respectful. Even if others are angry, we can still be gentle.
- Here is the disclaimer part. Remember the command is: as far as it depends on you. It always takes two in a relationship and sometimes the other person is not willing. We need to allow people to tell us who they are and believe them even if it means we can’t continue with the relationship. If you have to walk away from the relationship, trust God to judge and work things out. Our obligation is to forgive them even if they never acknowledge their guilt. Forgiveness is not for them, it is for your own heart, it is to release their domination over your heart and mind.
It is important to recognize if you are are by nature a conflict enjoyer or conflict avoider. If you are a conflict enjoyer like my mom, what you need more of is compassion. If you are a conflict avoider like me, what you need more of is courage. All of us need more show more respect and have more self-control. This is not natural at all. I think it is supernatural. Which is why we need Jesus.
Jesus was a master at self-control. He never tried to control others, even though He certainly had a right to as the Son of God. Unlike us, He knew best what was right and wrong and could see people’s real motives. Despite this, He never controlled anyone even if it would have been for their own good. On the other hand, Jesus did not allow others to deter Him from His message or His Father’s plan. He told them all truth but allowed them to reject Him and walk away. He always told them truth even when it was unpopular, even when it was dangerous.
Back to what happened with me and my crucial conversation with my mom. Since my mom was in her 90s, my desire was to have her live closer to me and stop driving her car so she could be safe and I could better care for her. She did not want to leave her home in south Jersey. We had had this discussion already several times and it never resolved. But this time was different. This time I prayed for a week before I spoke to her. I asked all my friends to pray too. I thought about my attitude and how to present this to her in a way that honestly expressed what I wanted and how I felt. When we had the conversation, she got angry again but I did not take the bait. I stayed patient, respectful but honest. That is why prayer was needed because this type of behavior was beyond what was previously possible for me. Still that night, she didn’t agree with me, but I did not push her. By the morning, she had changed her mind and agreed to look at senior living places near my home. Within 4 months of our conversation she moved to a nearby independent living center. Less than a year later she was diagnosed with cancer. I was able to be with her daily at that time because of that crucial conversation.
Please hear me. I did not change my mother. I had always thought she was the problem and trust me, I tried and tried to change her for years without any success. Instead I changed me. Or more accurately, I allowed God to change me. I got the log out of my own eye with His help. And then I did the GO part. I initiated the hard conversation.
Of course, there is no guarantee how your crucial conversations will turn out for you. Ultimately it is not about winning the argument or getting your way. It is about as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. That is how we can find peace. And that is what I want for all of you.
Effective Communication and Conflict Resolution Discussion Questions
1. Is there a person in your life with whom you struggle to resolve conflict effectively? Do you think changing your methods of communication would improve your relationship? If yes, what would be your best “next step”?
2. Are you a conflict enjoyer or a conflict avoider by nature? Do you feel your nature has had a positive or negative impact on your ability to resolve conflicts? Why?
3. Do feel you have compassion, courage, respect, and self-control? Which one is a struggle for you? Why?
4. Which one of these methods are you most likely to use? Why do you use them?
- Exaggeration – such as using “always” or “never”, as in “You always are late” or “You never help around the house”.
- Trait names – such as calling others a loser, a liar, or a jerk, or worse.
- Disrespect – such as facial expressions, gestures, voice tones and body postures which communicate disrespect. This includes rolling our eyes, folding our arms, etc.
- Sarcasm – expressing contempt or ridicule, such as snide remarks, little digs, and snarky comments.
- Getting Historical – rehearsing the things the other person has done in the past that were wrong or hurtful.
- Mind-reading – assuming the worst motives.
- Stonewalling – refusing to cooperate or continue to communicate further on the topic or with the other person, shutting down the dialog altogether.
5. Are you a good listener? Do you struggle with any of these listening skills? If yes, why do you think this skill is hard for you?
- Being patient.
- Not interrupting the other person.
- Focusing on what they are saying and not your next point.
- Asking additional questions, being curious.
- Withholding judgment.
- Being respectful in words, tone, facial expression and body posture.
- Being compassionate, sympathetic, gentle and kind.
- Not allowing the other person’s anger or other emotions to affect you. Not answering them in kind.
- Believing the best, not the worst when it comes to their motives.
- Trying to find areas of agreement or common values.
Please share your thoughts on this discussion in the comments section.
