This was a message given by Amy O'Hara at the MomCo January Meeting.
It was so good, I asked her to allow me to post it here.
Read, learn, and may your family be blessed.
Check out all the sources she sites on the bottom of this post.
I’ve been of member of the MomCo steering team for the past ten years and every single summer at our planning retreat I suggest we bring in an expert to talk about screen time for our kids. As a mother of four children ages 9, 12, 16, and 18, it is one of the biggest struggles I face in parenting. I am always seeking guidance. I read books, listen to podcasts, ask other moms and there are a million different approaches to technology use in the home. Some of the advice has helped, some has not.
As my kids get older, it is getting increasingly difficult to manage and I can see the negative impact that screens are having on them. I desperately want each of you with younger kids to avoid the same pitfalls and mistakes I have made.
Last summer at our retreat I was talking about the latest book I read on this issue called The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt and all the ladies suggested that I speak about it. I did NOT want to do it. I am not an expert by any stretch of the imagination. I’m a mother who has made a ton of mistakes in this area. I’m more of an example of what not to do. But they insisted that it is because of my real-life experiences – both the good and the bad – that I can talk not as an expert, but as a mom who has been there and is on a journey. So, here I am – against my will – but hoping to be an encouragement to you all. Let’s get started.
I’m a little older than most of you, so some of you will not be able to relate to this, but I grew up in the 80s and 90s in what Jonathan Haidt refers to as a PLAY-BASED CHILDHOOD. We had one TV in the house and the only time anything good was on would be Saturday morning cartoons and a few family-friendly sit-coms in the evenings. We had to go to the video store in town to rent a movie and when the movie ended, we had to rewind it, put the VHS tape back in its box and return it to the store. We got our first Nintendo when I was in middle school which held limited appeal to me. It was only fun if a friend was over to play with me.
What really appealed to me was being outside with my friends. We would ride our bikes to each other’s houses and ask if our friends could come out to play. We would play in the neighborhood, making up games and adventures within the two-block radius my parent’s had laid out for me and as I grew older, my radius expanded. I was with my friends, face-to-face as often as possible and on the phone with them when not possible. We were outside, active, and largely unsupervised. We worked out conflict with each other on our own and took ever increasing age-appropriate risks. We were growing and learning through social interaction without any idea it was happening or that it was good for us.
But then something happened that mostly affected Gen Z. Parents got scared. They grew suspicious of other adults, became less connected to their neighbors, and started to overprotect their children out of fear of abduction. Instead of the freedom, I experienced, play was then supervised at all times. This resulted in many unintended consequences.
Suddenly, relying on a parent’s schedule meant there were naturally fewer opportunities for face-to-face play, a lot of play moved indoors, kids became more sedentary, conflict was refereed by parents, and risks were minimized - and thus, the PLAYDATE was born. These changes inhibited opportunities for growth and learning through social interactions in the same ways as before.
While these changes were happening in the REAL-WORLD, an ONLINE WORLD was emerging. By 2010, with the introduction of the smart phone and social media, many parents felt like the virtual world would be a “safer” place for their kids to play. No more fear of abduction or physical harm, they could interact with friends virtually from anywhere. Parents had no idea that the online world would actually end up being way more dangerous than the real world. This was the beginning of the PHONE BASED CHILDHOOD. The shift was dramatic in nature.
Children engaged in much less REAL WORLD PLAY which was embodied, meaning it involved
- body language, eye contact and facial expressions;
- synchronous – happening side-by-side at the same time;
- in small groups or just one-on-one; and
- with a high bar for entry and exit so people were motivated to invest in relationships and repair rifts when they happened.
They replaced real world play with VIRTUAL WORLD PLAY which in contrast is disembodied, meaning
- no body is needed, just language;
- asynchronous – happening at a distance and at different times;
- in communication with a potentially vast audience; and
- in a community with a low bar for entry and exit – meaning you can block people or quit when you are not pleased.
The amount of time spent in the virtual world today is astounding. According to studies, NOT INCLUDING SCHOOLWORK,
- 5-8 year olds are using more than 3 hours of screen-based entertainment per day,
- 8-12 year olds are using 6 hours, and
- 13-18 year olds are using 9 hours.
This is the majority of a child’s waking life!
What resulted from this dramatic shift from a play-based to a phone-based childhood is shocking. Rates of anxiety, depression, self-harming, and suicide increased dramatically after 2010.
- In college students, anxiety is up 134%.
- Depression among US teens increased by roughly 150%.
- Emergency room visits for self-harm among adolescents are up 48% for boys and 188% for girls.
- And most alarming, suicide rates for adolescents increased 91% for boys and 167% for girls.
Haidt’s central claim in his book is “that two trends – over-protection in the real world and under-protection in the virtual world – are the major reasons why children born after 1995 became [what he calls] the anxious generation.”
He says that these trends created four foundational harms.
- The first foundational harm is social deprivation. Phones may promise connection but, in reality, they isolate us. Face-to-face social interactions are critically important for children and adolescents as they are developing. Molly DeFrank, author of the book, Digital Detox, says, “The impact of their screen time is going far beyond screen time. It’s changing the way kids think, interact with peers, respond to teachers. It’s changing their ability to connect with other humans.”
- The second foundational harm is sleep deprivation. I don’t have to tell a room full of young mothers how important sleep is. But do you know how much phones and screens are affecting not only the quality but the quantity of our sleep? DeFrank says, “Toddlers, kids and teens who use tablets, video games, and social media during the day take longer to fall asleep and have more disruptive sleep. Poor sleep quality then creates a terrible cycle: tired kids are moody kids. They can’t focus, they are more stressed, and in turn, they can’t sleep. And then they crave even more stimulation.”
- The third foundational harm is attention fragmentation. Haidt sites a study that says the average teen gets 192 alerts on their phone each day which translates to about 11 notifications per waking hour, or one every five minutes. How can a person focus with constant interruption? Teens are losing their ability to hold their attention on anything, and it is interfering with the development of their executive functioning.
- The fourth foundational harm is addiction. Apps are designed to hook us and keep us engaged for longer and longer periods of time. While not all of us will form an addiction to these apps, they will certainly become habit-forming.
For those who do become addicted, it only magnifies the first three harms. There is clearly a huge problem here. Maybe you’ve seen it in your own home. How do your kids react when you take away their iPad or turn off the TV? Do they act like an addict in withdrawal?
Anna Lembke says in her book, Dopamine Nation, “the universal symptoms of withdrawal from any addictive substance are anxiety, irritability, insomnia, and dysphoria.” Dysphoria is the opposite of euphoria; think of it as general dissatisfaction or discomfort. My 12-year old told me that after he watches YouTube videos he feels “weird or just kind of uncomfortable.” This is dysphoria. I’ve also seen him act out in temper tantrums, anger and desperation when forced to get off screens.
Maybe you’ve even seen it in yourself. How do you react when you lose your phone or when a child interrupts you while you’re trying to get something done on your phone? Even if what you’re “getting done” is nothing more than checking notifications or watching a video your friend sent you. I hate to admit that I panic over the loss of my phone and I’m irritable and short with my kids when they interrupt me while I’m on it. I also feel that sense of dysphoria after scrolling Instagram. And then I want to pick it up and scroll some more just to avoid that feeling!
Molly DeFrank says, “We look around and see that everyone else seems to be parenting the same way. Everyone can’t be getting this wrong. If all kids are playing the games, if they’re all on social media, then the status quo must be fine, right? And yet:
- 78% of parents say that raising kids today is more complicated than when they grew up.
- 85% of parents are worried about the amount of time their kids are spending in front of a screen.
If technology is supposed to be so helpful, why is it stressing out parents and bringing out the worst in our kids?”
Charlie Kirk also addressed this conundrum in his book, Stop in the Name of God. He says, “people know their dependence on technology is harmful and yet they can’t seem to stop. [They know] they are addicted, openly admit it, and still take no meaningful steps toward change. A 2023 Pew Research Center study revealed that over 70 percent of American adults believe they spend too much time on their phones, yet only 31 percent have made any attempt to cut back. This dissonance is not due to ignorance, but entrapment."
We see no way out. We justify our kids’ screen time and our own by saying it offers us a break, distraction, entertainment, productivity and connection. But the truth is we are drawn to the dopamine. We want the pleasure it gives us not recognizing the pain that follows.
Dopamine Nation is a fascinating read. Lembke explains how pleasure and pain are co-located in our brains. Our body wants to remain in equilibrium so when we spend too much time in pleasure mode – playing games, scrolling social media, or binge watching TV - our bodies press harder on the pain lever making it harder and harder to experience pleasure causing us to spend more and more time trying to reach the same levels of pleasure the activity once gave us. It’s a vicious cycle that pulls us away from living in the present, connecting with people face-to-face and finding true fulfillment.
Lembke says “We’ve transformed the world into a pleasure factory, and the result is a paradoxical epidemic of unhappiness.”
This cannot go on! Our devices are making us and our children sick. As the next generation of parents to young children, we must stop this insanity from continuing!
With so much of life happening online, what can we do? According to Haidt and many others in his field, there ARE things we can do.
- First, we can provide more (and better) experience in the real world.
- Second, we can provide less (and better) experience in the virtual world.
- Third, we can collectively delay giving our children phones and other devices, and
- Fourth, and most importantly, we can model best practices for our children.
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Providing more (and better) experiences in the real world will look different at different ages.
In very young children, Haidt says, “the best thing you can do is give them plenty of playtime, with some age diversity, and [be] a secure loving base from which they set off to play.” MomCo playdates are perfect opportunities to provide real world play for your little ones with mixed ages of children. Make an effort to go to these and meet up with other moms and their kids in between the playdates and meetings.
As they enter elementary school Haidt suggests following the advice of Lenore Skenazy, with whom he co-founded Let Grow which is “a nonprofit whose [stated] mission is to give kids back the developmentally crucial ‘vitamin’ our culture accidentally removed from childhood: [known as] independence.” Some ideas from LetGrow.org include
- walking to school in a group,
- camping,
- sending kids to technology-free sleep-away camp, and
- giving kids free play after school instead of adult-supervised enrichment activities.
Another activity they strongly recommend is to let our kids out of our sight without them having a way to reach us. I know this sounds scary but I’m not suggesting you send your Kindergartner into town on their own. You start small with an activity they are already comfortable doing with you.
For example, if you walk your dog regularly in your neighborhood with your child, allow them to walk the dog alone or with a sibling. I remember a few years ago, the first time I suggested that Tommy and Violet walk our dog, Lucy, without me. They were nervous and excited. We discussed the path they would take and what they would do in a few different scenarios that could arise. They set off with Lucy for less than ten minutes alone in our neighborhood and came home like heroes returning from a grand adventure. It gave them purpose and a feeling of confidence.
As kids enter high school, they need to feel useful and connected to community.
- Look for adult mentors outside of your family through your church and your town,
- Increase their mobility,
- Rely more on your teen at home,
- Encourage them to find a part-time job, and
- Look for bigger thrills in nature.
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All of these real-world experiences are good for our kids and will help fill the void created as we give them less (and better) experiences in the virtual world.
While the main focus should be on maximizing face-to-face activities, it helps to have routines and structures in place for your day and that should include what kind and how much screen time you will allow. Not all technology is bad. To determine what kind of screen time to allow, ask yourself two questions.
- One – is there a long-term benefit?
- Two – does this encourage isolated consumption of media?
Here are a few examples of technology that you MAY find beneficial:
- Video calls,
- Putting library books on hold,
- Family movie or trivia night,
- Craft or cooking instructions and
- Videos that teach kids how to play an instrument.
I have been amazed at how much better my kids can play the piano from watching a few instructional videos online than I ever could after years of lessons as a child.
To determine how much screen time to allow, we can look to the recommendations from the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry. Outside of FaceTime and other video chatting platforms,
- Screen time should not be a part of daily life in the first 18 months.
- Between 18-24 months they say you can add in some educational programming with a caregiver.
- From 2-5 years limit non-educational screen time to about one hour per day.
- Children over 6 should be limited to no more than two hours per day.
We also need to get familiar with parental controls and be good observers of our children. Is their screen time interfering with other areas of life? If you see any problematic or addictive behaviors, they may benefit from a Digital Detox. This is where Molly DeFrank’s book Digital Detox comes in.
After getting on the same page with your spouse, hold a family meeting to prepare everyone for the change. She suggests unplugging cold turkey for a period of two weeks, during which you “become a student of your child” to observe your kids’ interests, talents and opportunities for growth. She encourages families to create a list of fun screen free activities with a heavy emphasis on reading – both aloud and individually. Games are another great idea.
In her book, she does not shy away from how difficult a digital detox can be. She says that the first few days are the hardest, but once you get past the initial withdrawal period, your kids will begin to flourish. You will discover new interests, talents and abilities that were dormant while screens were the focus.
At the end of the two weeks, she recommends asking your kids to name three things they enjoyed about the detox, to name something they did during the detox that they wouldn’t have otherwise done, and what they think the hardest part of the detox was. This will help you create a long-term plan following the detox.
Whether you are doing a detox or just trying to cut back on the amount of time spent on screens in your home, Lembke’s advice on what she calls self-binding techniques can be helpful. Think of these as self-limiting practices used to help us decrease our exposure and thus desire for the dopamine, in our case coming from screens.
One type of self-binding is geographic. This would be physically removing the temptation from sight. Lock devices away, put them in a basket during meals, or get them out of the home completely. We determined that one of our teenagers had very problematic behavior when playing on his PC. When telling him not to get on, cutting the internet connection to the PC, unplugging it and putting it in a closet all failed to get him to stop using the PC, I loaded it into our nanny’s car and asked her to take it home with her. It has been over a year, and we have not asked for it back.
Another type of self-binding is chronological. This means we limit the use at certain times or until certain ages. Limiting our use at certain times can be done with the help of an app that shuts off certain apps at certain times of day. I am using the Freedom app to shut down all my social media and games from 9pm to 7am every day. This has been eye-opening for me. I didn’t recognize how dependent I was at this time of night on my phone. It’s when I’m tired after a long day of serving my family and I just want to veg out on my phone. Without access to social media or games, my phone became SO boring. I would pick it up, realize it held no appeal. Turn it off and not one minute later I would pick it up again. This helped me see the problem more clearly - which was a great starting point.
Then I started thinking about my technology use throughout the rest of my day. I was constantly listening to podcasts while doing household chores or scrolling Instagram when I got a chance to sit down. I would go from one podcast right into the next, or scroll one post after another, never even stopping to process any of it. I was just constantly taking in information and keeping myself entertained. I have almost entirely stopped listening to podcasts and seriously cut back on social media. I now drive with my music, do laundry in silence, read actual books, and find more opportunities to engage, undistracted, with my family. The simple act of freeing up my mind has been transformative. I had no idea how this level of consumption was affecting my mental health. I didn’t recognize it until I was free of it. A weight has been lifted, and I feel so much better - clearer headed, less anxious and more connected with my kids.
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Chronological self-binding also refers to delaying technology privileges until later in life. Ideally, Haidt recommends not giving kids a smart phone until high school and social media until 16. This is much easier when you are not doing it alone. When my oldest child entered middle school, he came home and told me that ALL his friends had phones. Kids are famous for exaggeration, but in this case, he wasn’t far off. Almost every kid in his grade did have a smartphone and while I didn’t want to give him one, I also didn’t want him to be left out. I caved and I absolutely regret this decision. At first, I was so strict with its use, but over time, especially during COVID, our restrictions eased and now at 18 he is on it all the time. We are constantly battling over the phone.
Take it from me, once you give your kids a phone, all your conversations will become about the phone.
To make holding out easier, you need to come together as a community of moms and collectively agree to delay giving your children smartphones. I recommend a website called Wait Until 8th. You sign a pledge promising not to give your child a smartphone until at least the end of 8th grade. Once 10 families from your child’s school sign the pledge it becomes active, and you will be connected with the other families who are also waiting. This helps build a community for you and your kids. There is strength in numbers.
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Finally, we must model best practices for our kids. It isn’t just important that they see the other kids at school off phones. It is important that they see us off phones. When we look at our phones instead of our children, the message we send is that they are not as important to us as what is on our phone.
Being on our phones deprives us and those around us of quality social engagement. I understand the temptation. We are giving everything to our families. We are exhausted and just crave a little escape, stimulation, or what we like to call self-care.
But it’s a lie.
This kind of activity is not true self-care at all. Spending hours on our phones or binge-watching TV leaves us feeling anxious, drained and dysphoric, not refreshed. I heard someone explain that self-care isn’t an afternoon at a spa, it’s going to bed early enough to get 8 hours of sleep, it’s eating a salad for lunch, it’s going for a walk after dinner, it’s spending time in connection with others. The spa, though I’d never turn it down, is just a band-aid not a solution. No amount of spa time can overcompensate for lack of sleep, an unhealthy diet, a sedentary lifestyle, or the anxiety caused by excessive screen time.
Taking care of yourself is important. We all want to be the best version of ourselves. The really cool thing about how the pleasure and pain principle of dopamine works, is that just as too much pleasure causes pain, pain can also cause pleasure.
So instead of reaching for the phone for a quick hit of pleasure that will leave you feeling anxious – try something that might hurt temporarily that will leave you feeling good in the end. This could be
- Exercise (think “runner’s high”),
- Fasting,
- Getting out of your comfort zone and inviting a friend to your home,
- Giving that last push of energy to your family at the end of the long day instead of zoning out, or
- Even something as extreme as an ice bath if you can tolerate it!
All these things push on our pain levers, so our bodies react by pushing harder on our pleasure lever.
Your kids will learn much more from watching you than they will from listening to you. So, it can’t be rules for thee and not for me. We must watch our own use and model healthy behavior.
As we know, technology is here to stay. You have calendars to manage, groceries to buy, and emails to check. School assignments are increasingly online. One day your kids will be in high school and will be asking for a smartphone. You will need to figure out how to make technology work FOR you instead of becoming a slave TO it. Create a long-term plan for your family that includes:
- How you will use screens to your advantage,
- How much time you will spend on them,
- What activities you will do on them,
- How you will receive notifications, and
- When to intentionally carve out time to check on your digital life without it interfering with your real life.
Always weigh the opportunity cost.
- What is this time on screens pulling us away from?
- What experiences, activities and connections are we missing out on with our face in a screen?
I have this haunting memory of driving by a bus stop of at least a dozen high school students. They stood shoulder-to-shoulder waiting for the bus, each with their heads down looking at their phones. No one was speaking. What a missed opportunity to talk, laugh and connect with other kids.
There is no doubt that screens are having a devastating impact on our children and on us. But we don’t have to throw our hands up and just go along with the crowd. We can do better especially if we do it together.
- Create real world opportunities of free play, freedom, and adventure for your children.
- Use these to draw them away from screens and limit the time they spend in the virtual world.
- Join together with other like-minded parents and create a community of kids without smartphones until they reach high school.
I highly recommend Jonathan Haidt’s latest book, which he co-authored with Catherine Price. Instead of calling it The Anxious Generation, they call it The Amazing Generation, and it’s written for kids to promote life as a “rebel.” Their Rebel’s Code is, “Use technology as a tool – Don’t let technology use you. Fill your life with real friendship, freedom, and fun.” It’s a combination of regular book and graphic novel and my 9-year old daughter says every child must read it!
Finally, we must put our own phones down, stop multitasking time with your kids and time on a screen (you’re not as good at it as you think you are), turn off the TV, and model the lifestyle you want for your kids in the real world.
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Sources:
The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt
Digital Detox by Molly DeFrank
Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke
Stop in the Name of God by Charlie Kirk
The Amazing Generation by Jonathan Haidt and Catherine Price
Let Grow Website
Freedom App Website
WaitUntil8th Website
