And the Winner is

Mom and I always watched the Miss America pageant together. There were other pageants, but this one was our favorite because the contestants not only were judged on their beauty but had to display other qualities as well. There was, of course, the bathing suit competition where the fitness of their bodies were on full display, but also the evening gown segment showing their sense of style, the talent portion highlighting their gift of song, dance or other passion, and finally the interview demonstrating their character. Miss America was required to also have inner beauty.

We sat on the sofa watching and rating them along with the panel of judges, cheering on our favorites and holding our breath as the host announced the winner. 

The best quality of my parents was they always encouraged me in all I did and wanted to become. Maybe a bit too much as they thought I could be the best, and should be the best. Number One. The Winner.  

Maybe I had seen too many pageants and I wanted to be the winner too. 

Maybe.

Now there is nothing wrong with trying hard, being diligent and aspiring to succeed. But there is something sinister about the desire to always want to be the best at everything, or even at that one thing I'm good at. It can get dark when I look at others that seem to be in competition with me.  

It's the trap of jealousy. 

When they are succeeding then I feel I am failing. Their win becomes my  loss. Someone needs to be crowned the winner here and doggonit! I want it to be me!

This issue in my heart is not news to me. I've been watching for it as I think about what I think about. I've begun to catch it first as a thought and take it to the Lord to confess and repent. I'm old enough to know an evil thought can be nursed to become a bitter heart, then harsh words and then ugly actions. 

But today, God has urged me to reflect on where this comes from in my heart. And also on His truth and unfailing love. And He said to me...

This is not a competition. I've welcomed you into a sisterhood.

This sisterhood is the better thing, resulting not in jealousy but instead companionship, mutual encouragement, shared wisdom and tenderness. When we remember we are to help each other, not compete against each other, then every win becomes a win for all of us.

There is none of that for the pageant winner. There is only the stress of performance and the isolation of being on top. Plus the next year, she gives her crown away. No one keeps her crown forever. 

Beloved, You remind me again, my sanctification is never one brief moment of revelation. It is the tedious repetition of sin, confess, repent, repeat until I meet You face to face. Remind me of Your love that I never need to earn, and I will never have to give away. Thank You for the blessing of sisterhood. May I always be empowered by Your Spirit to reject the shiny counterfeit crown and reach instead for this better thing You have for me. It will not be taken away.   

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  (1 Corinthians 13:4-5)

I am my Beloved's

It was 20 years ago today that I started this blog. I have wrote testimonies and personal struggles. I have wrote devotionals, Bible studies and even recipes. Today, to commemorate this work, I want to talk about the by-line from the Song of Songs that has on from the beginning.

My motivation to start the blog was Jesus. As I studied His word and prayed and sobbed through my life issues, I felt He was speaking to me. It felt like the relationship described in the Song of Songs in a beautiful and pure way. 

For all of my life I knew Jesus was Lord, the Son of God. I believed it, but never in a way that allowed it changed my heart and therefore my life. I wanted faith but was afraid of it. I was afraid of allowing anyone or anything to control me. I was hesitant to fully entrust myself to anyone. 

But Jesus was wooing me. He was was not in a rush. He was giving me all the time I needed. And I needed a long time!

Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases. (Song 2:7b)

The change began after I got to know Him by reading His word. I was getting to see He was good. He was trustworthy. He loved me and only wanted the best for me.

Like an apple tree among the trees of the woods,
So is my Beloved among the sons.
I sat down in His shade with great delight,
And His fruit was sweet to my taste.
He brought me to the banqueting house,
And His banner over me was love. (Song 2:3-4)

And what did He want of me? I was not sure at first and then it became clear. He wanted all of me. 

My Beloved spoke, and said to me:
"Arise, My darling, My beautiful one, and come with Me."  (Song 2:6)

Jesus wanted to be my everything. Would I say yes?

I would like to say I did surrender to Him and never looked back, but let's be honest. Although I committed my life to Christ on June 24, 1988, my walk has been faulty. It has been a zigzag line of sin and repentance. Of vice and virtue. Of mountains and valleys and back again. 

But He never stopped talking to me. And I never stopped listening. 

The voice of my Beloved!
Behold, He comes
Leaping upon the mountains,
Skipping upon the hills. (Song 2:8)

This blog is our story, our best and most vital conversations. 20 years and 399 posts later, we are still together. He is speaking and I listen. I struggle and He encourages me. I fail and He redirects me. I trust Him and He demonstrates He is still trustworthy. I take the wrong path and He demonstrates again that He is able to work all together for the good.

It is not a perfect walk because none of us humans are perfect. God knows us, how we are frail and easily led astray and so He always provided sacrifice to return us to relationship with Him. Jesus was that perfect sacrifice. As we return to God in confession and repentance, with a contrite heart, He receives us. We are His children. He waits for us when we walk away, standing ready at the door to run and receive us. We are always welcome home.

That is why scripture uses the metaphor of marriage and children to describe our relationship with God. He are His children, His beloved bride. He is our home, our hiding place, our stronghold. He wants us to return to Him.

It is my confession and my identity. 

I am my Beloved’s,
And His desire is toward me. (Song 7:10)

I have found that:

Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor can the floods drown it. (Song 8:7a)

Not my love for Him, but His love for me has carried me. All these years to a greater depth of love for Him and trust in Him.

Yes, this year I need to understand fear of God, as I said in my Word of the Year post. Because I began my journey at the Song of Songs, I have held at arms length the concept of fearing God. But now, as I study fear of God, I have more confidence that His love for me is strong and true because I have seen it these many years. And it has nothing to do with my merit, Praise God. It has everything to do with His character, the goodness I have fallen in love with.  

Thank You, Beloved for giving me this place to write Your words to me and my heart back to You. It is You alone who sustains me. I am not worthy but I am grateful.