My Mentor Moment given at the October 22, 2025 MomCo Meeting
Hello, my name is Barbara, and I judge people.
Before I became a mom, I was a normal, run-of-the-mill judger of people. I judged others based on what I saw immediately: their clothing, their size, their hair style. I judged them if they were younger than I, older than I, richer than I, poorer than I. I judged all of them. I mean, I assumed things about them before they ever spoke to me. I assumed their thoughts, motives and actions by their outward appearance. I judged if they were right or wrong; if they were wise or foolish.
Then I got pregnant with my first child.
At the time, I was a IT manager at IBM. When I started my career at IBM in 1977, the expectation was new-hires would stay until retirement and get a full pension with health care coverage. I excelled and was promoted there. I made life-long friends there. Leaving IBM seemed unthinkable. Plus I wondered how women could spend four or more years in college to land a fabulous job, only to abandon it when they had children. I loved my job, felt empowered by it, and fully intended to return to it after I gave birth. Of course, I’d take the first year off, then my husband offered to take the second year off. At least that was how I thought it would turn out.
Then I gave birth.
I didn’t understand how bonded I would become with my baby until I experienced it. Yes, I was lonely. Yes, I missed the mental stimulation and validation my career gave me. But I didn’t want to return either because that meant I would have to leave my baby. I did visit day care centers but that only made me feel worse. I probably did not visit a good one, and this was 37 years ago, but all I remember was a line of portable cribs, wailing infants, and harried child care workers. As I left, I hugged my baby tight promising her, “I’ll never leave you in a place like that!”
Suddenly I found myself judging other moms who didn’t stay at home to care for their babies. What was the matter with them?
My judging others did not stop there. I judged moms who did not punish their kids enough, or too much, or not in the way I was doing it. I judged what moms allowed their children to watch on TV, or the amount of TV they permitted. I judged moms who would allow their children to go trick or treating on Halloween in spooky costumes. I judged moms who pretended Santa was real to their young children. Shouldn’t Christmas be about Jesus? I even judged moms who used disposable diapers after I switched to cloth diapers with my second child.
I hope you realize this is a confession of my guilt. I didn’t understand why every mom did not feel exactly like I did.
The root of my problem was I neglected to factor in the special circumstances that led to my decision to resign from IBM to stay home with my daughter.
During my maternity leave, my IBM department relocated to another state. This was not an option for my family. Plus IBM was downsizing for the first time and offered me an excellent by-out option that included a full year of salary and two years of medical benefits. Since I was employed for over ten years, my pension was vested and I knew I would receive a small pension at retirement.
But the most significant reason was not financial. It was spiritual. When my daughter was six months old, I committed to following and serving Jesus in a way that was unique to anything I experienced before. Previously I believed Jesus was the son of God, that He was born of the virgin Mary, that He was crucified, died, buried and rose again on the third day. But that belief had made no practical difference in my life. Quite suddenly, after I made that commitment to Him, all my priorities changed. Suddenly it was very important to raise my children myself so I could instill in them a faith in Jesus. I was no longer willing to entrust that influence to others.
My decision did have huge financial and career consequences. Immediately, our family income was cut in half. It impacted what I could buy for my children and myself. It severely limited our entertainment and vacation options. I was good with making those sacrifices.
The PS is later, at age 50+ when I reentered the workplace to find full-time employment, I could not find a job at even half of my old salary. Since my work experience was in IT, a job sector that changed rapidly, my old career no longer existed. I still think staying home was the best choice for me and my family and I do not regret any loss. But these factors were unique to me and my family. No other mom had this exact situation.
None of these crucial details could be seen as I strolled my baby in the park at 11 am in my t-shirt and sweat pants. If you saw me then, you could tell I was a stay-at-home mom by looking at me. But you would not know why. You would have had to ask me.
Here’s my point.
We all judge people. It is immediate, unbidden, normal, and even helpful in certain situations. I know that even this morning, you were aware that you would be judged today. I know because, look at you. You look fabulous. You took care in your appearance, and in your children’s, before you left your house. That’s why we shower, brush our teeth, comb our hair, apply makeup, and try on five different outfits to find the one that doesn’t make our butt look fat. We understand that we never get a second chance to make a first impression.
And I know that I am being judged by you as well. That’s why I wrote down every word I am going to speak to you today and had Sandy proof read it. I know you are judging me, even before I opened my mouth this morning. Before I started to speak, you can see I am not like you. I am an old church lady that probably shops for her clothing at Wal-Mart, more like your mom than your friends. Everything I say will be colored by that.
What I want to suggest is not that we stop judging others. We can’t help that.
But we can have a second thought.
- We can let the first judgment pass over us and NOT allow it to be the definitive judgment that colors all our future thoughts and interactions. We can be open to being wrong about our first impressions.
- We can start from the belief that other people have a reasonable reason for making their choices and try to understand those reasons, even if they do not apply to our situation. Even when we disagree.
- We can try to find out the WHY behind other people’s actions by asking them questions.
- And then, we can listen to them with an open heart and mind.
Especially when it comes to other moms.
Here’s a recent example. There were two friend of mine who attended two different women’s Bible study groups I lead. It was an election year, and both thought they were being judged in the group meetings, or would be, if they spoke up with what they personally believed. Both decided to stop attending the group.
One friend ghosted me.
The other friend was open to having an honest conversation. In the end, there was significant disagreement, but at least there was understanding. We could respect each other’s opinions and disagree in a agreeable manner, and stay friends.
The point is they felt I was judging them, but they were judging me for judging them. Get it? The truth was we were all working with our assumptions about other’s positions and motives until we talked openly and actually heard each other and worked towards true understanding.
It works the other way too. Just because other moms do things differently, does not mean our ways are wrong. Part of why I judged other moms was my own insecurities. If other moms didn’t do things the way I did them, I was worried I was doing it wrong and was afraid I was messing up my daughters. The moms that agreed with me, validated me. The ones that didn’t, called into question my decisions.
We are all different. We are in different situations, have different financial means, had different backgrounds. Our children have different dispositions, different needs, and different personalities. Even in our own households, we must remember each child is unique. The household your first child grew up in is not the same as your second child. Just the fact there are more people in the family is huge.
Let’s remember:
- We don’t have to be like other moms to be ok. As we choose to have that second thought and to ask questions, listen carefully, giving others grace, it will be easier to give grace TO ourselves.
- We don’t have to judge our former selves either. It is good that we learn from each other and grow over time. We did the best we could with the knowledge and experience we had at the time. Our intentions were good, even if our actions were not perfect.
- We can use our mistakes to model repentance as we admit our failures to our children and apologize.
Moms, God gave us these children knowing we were imperfect. He’s not surprised. He has us covered! Let’s raise them with the confidence that we can do our imperfect best and that He will take it from there. Let’s be open to listen and learn from each other. We may even find out that we were wrong, and that is a good thing!
Let’s give each other grace and not judgment. This will encourage us to be honest with each other and develop true friendships.
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| Two of my favorite moms. |
As I was dressing this morning, I remembered it was three years ago, after the October MOPS meeting, that I went to visit my mom. She told me she was not feeling well and she was yellow, her eyes, her face. We went to the emergency room that evening and discovered she had pancreatic cancer.
I used to judge my own mom as well. I judged her when she hurt my feelings, when she disappointed me, when she acted selfishly. In God’s great mercy, He helped me see I needed to forgive her, to stop judging her and instead enjoy her many good qualities.
Those next three months, as we cared for her and watched her die, I was so grateful I had been able to forgive her and be able to enjoy her in the time we had left together.
Maybe you have someone in your life who you need to stop judging and forgive so you can enjoy their good qualities. Because the time is always shorter than we think.
But that’s hard. So let’s pray.
Beloved Jesus, I confess to You that I continue to judge others! Remind me always to have that second thought, to ask why, to listen carefully and to have grace. Remind us that it is always better to forgive than it is to criticize. Give us the power of Your Holy Spirit to enjoy each other instead of judging each other.
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)
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