This talk was given at the April 2025 MomCo Meeting.
Recently I picked up a book entitled How to Talk so People Will Listen. I love to talk, and write, so it seemed interesting to me.
When I was younger I loved reading the newspaper column by Dear Abby. People would write in a question, maybe a sentence or two, and Abby would write back and solve their problem in a brief paragraph. Don’t you wish life was like that? Submit your question and have someone give you a simple solution? Just do these five easy steps, or take a magic pill? Sign me up.
Of course, that doesn’t work.
I was struck again by this uncomfortable fact as I read some of the questions you moms submitted to us mentor moms during this year. When we spoke to you at the February meeting we started with the disclaimer that many of these harder issues are best resolved by a counselor, coach or mentor that could talk with you one on one. However, I wanted to share with you more about it today.
Instead of how to talk so people will listen, I want to encourage you to learn to listen so that people will talk.
Because listening is important.
As I read each question you submitted, I wanted to ask more questions. I needed to know more about your specific situation. How could I help you when I didn’t accurately understand the problem, know about the history behind it, and fully grasp how you are feeling?
As my daughters passed from teens to adulthood, at first I continued what I did when they were younger. After they briefly told me their problem, I would give them my solution. I discovered this doesn’t work with adults.
Somehow I had believed the lie that if I said it loud enough, if I repeat it often enough, if I am logical, clever and manipulative enough, I can bully others to do what I say. Sometimes that works on five-year-olds, but most often, not even then.
For one thing, life is complicated. Second, we need to earn the right to be heard.
We need to listen in order to help people talk and tell us more. This is how we love them, how they learn to trust us, and how we earn their respect. It is how we know them well enough to be able to pour into their lives.
The Bible authors also encourage this.
In the new testament, James 1:19 tells us: My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry
The Old Testament Proverbs 18:13 also urges us to listen: To answer before listening— that is folly and shame.
I have found listening is hard.
- It is devastating when my mom rants on about the health crisis she is experiencing.
- It is crushing when my daughter explains of how I hurt her as a teen.
- It is annoying when my husband goes on and on in detail about how he repaired our car when I don’t understand and frankly don’t want to know, honey just fix it, thank you. Honestly I need to work on listening to my husband because my old habit is to tune him out. I hear "wat wat wat." It is bad. Entrenched habits are the worst.
I had this revelation with my adult daughter: Just listening to her helped.
- I didn’t have to solve her problem.
- I didn’t have to straighten her out.
- I didn’t have to make excuses for my bad behavior.
- I just had to listen and it was healing for her. It was MORE healing than if I offered any solutions or excuses.
- It allowed me to understand her better. It encouraged her to talk to me more. And the more I understood and earned her respect by listening, the advice I did give her was more helpful and she was more apt to listen to it.
Because this is not natural for me to listen well, I have been practicing. Maybe you need to practice too. Here’s my ideas on HOW to do it:
- Pay attention. That seems obvious but it is so easy to drift off to think about something on my to-do list, consider how to reply, or focus on how I feel about what they are saying. Instead I need concentrate on their words. I must practice being patient and not rush them along, assuming I know what they are going to say before they say it. I need to let them speak until they are done. Think of it as a test. If I was going to re-state what they just told me, would I be able to do it?
- Tell them what I heard. Sometimes I misunderstand. I need to ask for their help in clarifying meaning. In marriage classes we learned a helpful trick of using a napkin. We would take a napkin and one of us would hold it. They would be the speaker. The other person is the listener. The person who held the napkin would speak until he said all he needed to say without any interruption. Then the other person, the listener, would repeat what they heard. The speaker would then make any needed clarifications. Then we would switch and the other person would hold the napkin and be the speaker. We use a tangible object to remind us who is speaking and who is listening. In the end, even if we did not agree, at least we felt heard and understood and that by itself is helpful.
- Ask questions. We can ask: Why do you think that? How do you feel about what happened? We need to find out why a normal, good, rational person would say or do what they did. Allow them time to explain, set the stage, give all the information. Ask for more details. The most important question we can ask them is WHY to get to the root issue that often does not immediately emerge in conversations. This can help them understand their own motives and underlying feelings.
- Suspend judgment. My judgment meter is always working evaluating what their motives are, wondering how they feel about me or would I have done what they did. The point is I don’t know their motives or how they feel about me. Since I am not living their life right now, I can’t imagine if I would have chose what they did. I have to ask them.
- Believe the best and NOT expect the worst. In every situation, I bring my own feelings, thoughts and assumptions into what I hear and that colors everything I believe. We judge others by past events, but also by how they look, what they wear, how they speak, and the manner in which they present themselves. We must be aware and capture that thought before it affects how we react to others. It is not fair. It’s prejudice and moms, we all do it without realizing it.
- Fight against becoming defensive, shutting down or becoming angry. This is difficult, especially when someone is accusing us of wrong doing, whether they are correct or not. It feels like a knife to the heart. Remember that often allowing others to speak it out loud to us can be healing to them. They are thinking it anyway. Aren’t you glad you know now how they feel, even if it hurts? If we are wrong, we can take this as an opportunity to confess and ask forgiveness. This can allow the hurt to dissipate for them. If we’re not wrong and they are missing some facts, we can share this better if we are not doing it in anger. It will be easier for them to hear.
- Be kind, sympathetic and encouraging when they are done talking. Don’t offer advice. I should not unless they ask me what I think. Be hopeful and express confidence they will choose the right path. When I do these things, others will trust me and feel loved. They will be more likely to be kind and cooperative in return.
Sometimes we do have to speak up. We need others to hear what we need from them. We talked about this last month at the our table, specifically how to get husbands off the couch and help us with the house and the kids. How can we get them to do what we say?
But our husbands are not puppies we can command and expect obedience. They have their own lives, concerns, struggles and sometimes, they don’t share it all with us. We are tempted to judge them and assume their motives. We think we already understand their thoughts. We fail to believe the best. So instead of going off on them, let’s ask them as they lay on the couch:
Honey, did you have a bad day? Are you worried about something? Maybe you have been distracted and forgot it was your turn to empty the dishwasher. Could you please do that while I feed the baby so I can start dinner when I am done? Thanks so much.
Sounds easy, right? Not so easy when you have to climb over the toys on the floor, the baby is crying and it’s a half hour past time to start dinner. You are frustrated and want to hit him by now, right? I get it. But when we start off with the frustrated tone, the guilt trip, or rolling our eyes at him, he may do as we say, but we have missed the chance to bless him and feed the relationship we want.
So take a deep breath and get control of our emotions. Then try the "sandwich" approach.
- Be kind, ask about his day, how he feels. Find out why he is on the couch to begin with.
- Give him your request as a request, not as an order, believing the best that he loves you and wants to help.
- Be hopeful, thankful that he would stop whatever he is doing to help you. EVEN if he is only doing what he is supposed to do. Help him feel like a hero, not a puppy. Because you want to be married to the hero, not the puppy, right?
Do I do this all the time? Nope. I don’t even have a baby crying and toys all over the floor at my house. It’s still just a goal of mine. Let me encourage you to make it a goal of yours too.
Finally, as I thought about listening this week, I re-read these words Jesus spoke during His final week before His crucifixion. He said, “O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God’s messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn’t let Me.” (Matthew 23:37)
In that last week, Jesus reflected on everything He had taught and all the miracles He had done, and still His people did not understand who He was. They heard His words, they saw the signs and miracles but they were not listening.
With Easter coming this month, we see signs of it everywhere. There are Easter Bunnies and stuffed yellow chicks. There are chocolate eggs and peeps and multicolored jelly beans. I know a bloody man with a crown of thorns hanging on a cross is not a family-friendly theme that sells but that is what Easter is about. It’s a holy day. A day to remember we can’t even listen well to the people we love. We are flawed and we can’t get it right all by ourselves. We need a hero, not a bunny, someone to save us.
Jesus knew that so He came to us. He left the comfort of heaven and willingly took the punishment for our wrongs, to make us in right relationship with God. Then three days later, God proved Jesus was His Son by raising Him from the dead.
Are we listening to Jesus? What does He say to us?
In His last letter sent to His church, He said to them: “Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear My voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” (Revelation 3:20) “Anyone with ears to hear must listen to the Spirit and understand what He is saying” (Revelation 3:22)
Are we listening to Him? Or are we are like the church Jesus was writing to in this letter? He said to them: “You say, ‘I am rich. I have everything I want. I don’t need a thing!’” (Revelation 3:17)
Maybe have felt self sufficient before but having babies exposes a much greater need in us moms. If we hadn’t realized it before, we realize now how limited we are, how much we need help. It is so easy to be frustrated and sharp with our children. We are often overwhelmed by everything we have to do, and how much we don’t know. We can’t be everything our children need and we desperately want to be. I know I wanted to be the perfect mom. But I found as hard as I tried, I could not.
Jesus doesn’t scold us. He invites us to come to Him, to listen to Him.
He says, “Come to Me, all of who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give rest. Take My yoke upon . Let Me teach , because I am humble and gentle at heart, and will find rest for r souls. For My yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)
Jesus is the most important Person to listen to. But like listening to everyone else in our lives, it’s hard. So let's pray...
Jesus, thank You for knowing we needed a Savior, not a bunny! Thank You for the the great sacrifice You made to make us right with God. We want to be good moms, good wives, daughters, sisters and friends, but it is hard. Help us to be more attentive, patient, kind, respectful, not judging others and expecting the worst, but believing the best. Most of all, help us listen to You!
Questions To Think About:
- Do you find listening attentively and patiently difficult? Who in your life is the most difficult person to listen to?
- Which one of these do you need more practice on?
- Paying attention, not thinking of a reply or believing you know what they are going to say
- Fighting against becoming defensive
- Believing the best and not expecting the worst
- Being sympathetic and encouraging instead of giving advice
- When you want your husband to help you, be kind, respectful and thankful when you ask him.
- When you think of God, do you think of Him more in terms of giving commands or issuing invitations? What do you think of Jesus’ invitations Barbara spoke of here, to let Him into our homes to dine with us, or to come to Him with our burdens? How do you feel about that? How can we listen better to Jesus?
