It's Tough Being a Woman -- how true that is! Beth Moore's study was an amazing journey, mixed in with the twists and turns of my life. When I started on February 2, I was looking for work, agonizing with Al as he mourned the loss of his company and job, anxious and impatient about what the future would hold. As I poured through the scriptures and savored Beth's study, I have received wisdom and a measure of healing. Here's the pearls from the workbook and my heart that I wanted to record...
2/05/09 Father, You are in the process of writing Your story in and with my life. I long to turn to the back of the book but You reach for my hand. With romance and wonder I understand. You long to allow it to unfold slowly as we walk the road together...
"Have you ever had an associate who, rather than helping you calm down and think clearly, fanned the flame on your fiery emotions and ended up talking you into double the trouble?" Good friends help each other calm down. They empathize with the emotions, staying calm themselves. They encourage waiting until emotions stop flowing strongly before taking any actions. "I considered afresh how much power of persuasion --both positive and negative--the woman of the house can have...Sometimes I may want peace badly enough to advise my loved one to do something swift buy not necessarily wise."
"We too can become so steeped in our culture that we are almost indistinguishable from the world. We too can lose our sense of identity and forget who we are ... not so we can be obnoxious but so we can be influential." The beauty treatment for us as godly women is to come into His presence. His presence transforms us at the heart source and makes us truly beautiful, with a beauty that never fades.
"Oh, the favor that can come our way...through our simple willingness to follow instructions, ... respect authority... [not be] insulted by instruction ... practice the art of truly listening ... follow through by doing what [we're] asked...If long-term persistence doesn't win the favor of an earthly supervisor, trust the God who sees and who is by no means limited to one channel of favor toward you."
"God created time and no human can take it from Him or use it against Him. Time is significant to God mostly because His children who are temporarily bound by its tenets are significant to Him." Time and my future is in Your hands and this is a beautiful thing. Remind me to embrace it and see its peace and joy. "God never takes His eyes off us or off the clock ticking over us...God always trumps Satan."
If you would stay close to Me, obey My word, then I can use you to brighten your corner of the vineyard. Hear Me with a heart to obey. This could not be all about Esther or any woman even if she be queen!! This could be, should be, must be all about You, my Beloved. Your power, Your mercy, Your Provision, Your love. I must believe in You, point to You. That's all.
"Right now you are representing the King on official business in another land, but you are no less royal than the Queen of England would be if she visited the ... Bronx. She is queen regardless of where she is and how she is treated. Her status is secure. So is yours." We too are queen, beloved of the King. Put on your royal robes to approach Him and accept His favor, approval, welcome and grace.
"Sometimes just surviving certain tasks without falling apart is our best and at those times God is not ashamed of our performance. He's proud of us for fighting overwhelming emotions to do His will. God isn't interested in our stellar performance, but in our hearts...Sometimes people advise us to do instantly what can only be done gradually"
"Any time God calls us to die, His purpose is to reveal larger life."
Lord, I wanted to be recognized and promoted. I told you over and over that I recognized you and would promote you in due time. You needed to be healed of this. I was not punishing you from some great sin, I was healing you, then I was protecting you. I love you. I get it. Trust Me. Look to Me alone. What I desired I needed to receive from You alone. I desired to be loved best by the king, but the King of Kings does love me with an everlasting love. "In the shelter of the Most High we find our significance and the only satisfaction of our insatiable need to be noticed. There and there alone are we free to be neither depressed or impressed with the capricious reactions of this carnal world...Christ says I'm already great enough for both of us, Just follow Me."
This desire to be recognized and promoted, to succeed at what people desire from me and not what You desire of me is sin. It is not to be prayed for, but to be prayed against; to be confessed and repented of, to be release from. Forgive me, Beloved! Heal me, restore me! Do not let me forget that it is You alone who is my Everything.
I will exalt You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up and gave me a new job,
and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord, my God, I called to You for help and You healed me and gave me even a boss to encourage me in my recovery from codependency
O Lord, You brought me up from the grave and spared me from being used by men instead of by You alone, where You will empower me and bless me.
You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness and new pants---on sale yet!
that my heart may sing to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give You praise forever. Amen! --Psalm 30:1-3,11-12.
Thank You, Jesus! By Your mercy and grace I find myself here---unpredictable and unworthy; help me be an instrument of Your peace, love, joy and mercy. Beloved You intended me to come to this place to minister to these people in a way that would be healing to me too. As I continue in that walk, I urgently ask You to give me the grace and peace to love them as You do, as only You can, that they could see and feel Your love through me. Beloved Jesus, I need You more than ever! Be my Everything!
"Repentance is not your punishment. It is your glorious right of daughter-ship. Your invitation to restoration...Much carnage can take place between crisis and crown. In Christ, however, all's well that ends well because He emphatically does all things well."
I do not expect you to be perfect, baby. I expect you to be contrite. There are indeed too many voices. You need to hear Mine. You need to get your orders from Me alone. 3/28/09
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saturday, March 07, 2009
and if I perish...
Two weeks into my new job, I am still meeting residents who look at me with surprise.
"You're new. What happened to the last woman? There has been so many!"
I love the ones who tell me, "No one in this position lasts very long. How long do you intend to stay?"
Ok, so I replaced the last woman, who must have had the job less than three months. The woman before her was temporary. And ultimately, we are not employees of the building association; we are really employed by a contracted property management firm. The nature of the thing is transitory.
I must admit, this was unnerving to me at first, me the girl who before my last job, had been employed no less then a decade at the last two places. I am a Ruglio, truly--- and Ruglios hate change. I was not looking for a temporary situation. I don't want to keep changing jobs.
But isn't this whole life transitory? I am just an alien anyway in a strange land, far from my real home.
Right now I am studying the book of Esther with Beth Moore. Beth made the point that Esther trusted God with her difficult decision to go in to see the King. She could have been killed. She prayed and fasted, and then did what she had to do. She knew there were no guarantees. But that did not stop her. Her testimony was: And if I perish, I perish.
Like Esther, I prayed and asked others to pray for me. In the end, I did what God instructed me. I talked to Him about my reservations, and He gave me no guarentees. Only the promise of His love and His presence.
Two weeks in, I am more certain than ever that He has been guiding me. I do not totally understand. But I do believe. I do trust Him. No matter how this turns out.
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? -- Romans 8:32
"You're new. What happened to the last woman? There has been so many!"
I love the ones who tell me, "No one in this position lasts very long. How long do you intend to stay?"
Ok, so I replaced the last woman, who must have had the job less than three months. The woman before her was temporary. And ultimately, we are not employees of the building association; we are really employed by a contracted property management firm. The nature of the thing is transitory.
I must admit, this was unnerving to me at first, me the girl who before my last job, had been employed no less then a decade at the last two places. I am a Ruglio, truly--- and Ruglios hate change. I was not looking for a temporary situation. I don't want to keep changing jobs.
But isn't this whole life transitory? I am just an alien anyway in a strange land, far from my real home.
Right now I am studying the book of Esther with Beth Moore. Beth made the point that Esther trusted God with her difficult decision to go in to see the King. She could have been killed. She prayed and fasted, and then did what she had to do. She knew there were no guarantees. But that did not stop her. Her testimony was: And if I perish, I perish.
Like Esther, I prayed and asked others to pray for me. In the end, I did what God instructed me. I talked to Him about my reservations, and He gave me no guarentees. Only the promise of His love and His presence.
Two weeks in, I am more certain than ever that He has been guiding me. I do not totally understand. But I do believe. I do trust Him. No matter how this turns out.
He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? -- Romans 8:32
Saturday, February 21, 2009
just manage the property
The Master said, "Let me ask you: Who is the dependable manager, full of common sense, that the master puts in charge of his staff to feed them well and on time? He is a blessed man if when the master shows up he's doing his job. But if he says to himself, 'The master is certainly taking his time,' begins maltreating the servants and maids, throws parties for his friends, and gets drunk, the master will walk in when he least expects it, give him the thrashing of his life, and put him back in the kitchen peeling potatoes. -- Luke 12:42-46 The Message
My new job -- and yes! I have one! -- is the administrative assistant to the Property Manager of a high rise condo complex in Verona. It is not my dream job, but I have come to a peace that I need to be grateful for a job, and I am trusting that God is in this and plans to allow me to minister there. But in a big way, I expect He is teaching me something important.
The book I just finished reading was Saturdays with Stella, and in a chapter entitled "Yours, Mine, and... Well, Mine - Leave It," Allison is teaching her dog, Stella, the command "leave it." The God-related concept is that everything belongs to God-- everything! We need to trust Him in what He gives and in what He withholds from us.
Allison writes, "I'm not teaching Stella to 'leave it' simply to delay inevitable gratification. The key to the behavior is to break the fixation. No dog ever truely obeys this command until she completely walks away from whatever was being denied... I want Stella to know that no distraction is worth disobedience.... I don't want her to feel pampered; I want her to feel safe. She doesn't need to be indulged; she needs to be loved. I don't meet her demands; I anticipate her needs."
In this position I have now, there is no question about my ownership. I am the assistant to the property manager, and even she is not the owner. The people who own the condos, they are the owners. We simply carry out their plans. We are managers. We are stewards.
God is showing me that nothing that I think I "own" is, in fact, mine. It's all His. My house, my beach cottage, my car, my new job, the clothes in my closet, the food in my refrigerator, even my children and my husband--all are His that He has given freely. All are His to take away. He doesn't give because I am good and take away because I am bad or He is mean. He is concerned about my being safe, being loved, caring for my true needs.
Father, help me see the difference between being a dependable manager and trying to be "master of the universe." Heal me of this sin.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praise. -- Job 1:21
My new job -- and yes! I have one! -- is the administrative assistant to the Property Manager of a high rise condo complex in Verona. It is not my dream job, but I have come to a peace that I need to be grateful for a job, and I am trusting that God is in this and plans to allow me to minister there. But in a big way, I expect He is teaching me something important.
The book I just finished reading was Saturdays with Stella, and in a chapter entitled "Yours, Mine, and... Well, Mine - Leave It," Allison is teaching her dog, Stella, the command "leave it." The God-related concept is that everything belongs to God-- everything! We need to trust Him in what He gives and in what He withholds from us.
Allison writes, "I'm not teaching Stella to 'leave it' simply to delay inevitable gratification. The key to the behavior is to break the fixation. No dog ever truely obeys this command until she completely walks away from whatever was being denied... I want Stella to know that no distraction is worth disobedience.... I don't want her to feel pampered; I want her to feel safe. She doesn't need to be indulged; she needs to be loved. I don't meet her demands; I anticipate her needs."
In this position I have now, there is no question about my ownership. I am the assistant to the property manager, and even she is not the owner. The people who own the condos, they are the owners. We simply carry out their plans. We are managers. We are stewards.
God is showing me that nothing that I think I "own" is, in fact, mine. It's all His. My house, my beach cottage, my car, my new job, the clothes in my closet, the food in my refrigerator, even my children and my husband--all are His that He has given freely. All are His to take away. He doesn't give because I am good and take away because I am bad or He is mean. He is concerned about my being safe, being loved, caring for my true needs.
Father, help me see the difference between being a dependable manager and trying to be "master of the universe." Heal me of this sin.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praise. -- Job 1:21
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Doctor's Orders - Settle!
So I've had this pain in my leg. It took a week of the pain getting worse and worse before I finally decided to find a chiropractor. Turns out the pain in my left leg was caused by a pinched nerve in my spine and a sore muscle in my right (you know) and the prescription for that is several visits per week to the chiropractor and warm baths.
The interesting part is that the first adjustment was preceded by the doctor putting me on the table, face down, with my head in the gully-type thing, and my arms handing down under the table, and four warm, vibrating discs on my lower back. And I had to lay there, still, for about 16 minutes.
Ok, so this is how silly I am...I was not sure I could do this. Lay still for that long. What could I do while I was waiting? I could not read, sort my grocery coupons, text my kids on my cell phone, watch some silly TV show, or even talk to anyone as the doctor left me alone in the room with the hum of the vibrator. I mean, it was really difficult to just lay still and allow someone else to do something for me to begin the healing for my pain. And stay still for 16 whole minutes.
God is so good! To allow me to hurt my leg in order for me to get this!
I started reading this cool book entitled Saturdays with Stella by Allison Pittman. It is about how taking her dog, Stella, to dog obedience school helped her understand what it meant to follow her Master. The first lesson was "Settle" where Stella (and Allison) learned to settle down and enjoy the Master's love. How I needed this lesson too!
I agree, "there is something scary in so much stillness." Like being still must mean I do not have something important to do, so I am not important. Or that my Master might have something to tell me that I might not want to hear. I need to trust that my Master loves me! That anything He would say to me would be life, truth, joy and blessing. That nothing I have to do is more important than enjoying His presence. I need to stop pulling away. To surrender. To totally rest in that. To be able to be--no, to delight in being still and in His presence.
And as I take warm baths, because I am in pain and I have to, and as I lay in the doctors office, still for 16 whole minutes, because I am in pain and I have to, I have learned to enjoy being settled.
Thank You, Master, my Beloved, for holding me down. Too bad it had to come to this, but whatever it takes.
He will quiet you in His love. Zephaniah 3:17
The interesting part is that the first adjustment was preceded by the doctor putting me on the table, face down, with my head in the gully-type thing, and my arms handing down under the table, and four warm, vibrating discs on my lower back. And I had to lay there, still, for about 16 minutes.
Ok, so this is how silly I am...I was not sure I could do this. Lay still for that long. What could I do while I was waiting? I could not read, sort my grocery coupons, text my kids on my cell phone, watch some silly TV show, or even talk to anyone as the doctor left me alone in the room with the hum of the vibrator. I mean, it was really difficult to just lay still and allow someone else to do something for me to begin the healing for my pain. And stay still for 16 whole minutes.
God is so good! To allow me to hurt my leg in order for me to get this!
I started reading this cool book entitled Saturdays with Stella by Allison Pittman. It is about how taking her dog, Stella, to dog obedience school helped her understand what it meant to follow her Master. The first lesson was "Settle" where Stella (and Allison) learned to settle down and enjoy the Master's love. How I needed this lesson too!
I agree, "there is something scary in so much stillness." Like being still must mean I do not have something important to do, so I am not important. Or that my Master might have something to tell me that I might not want to hear. I need to trust that my Master loves me! That anything He would say to me would be life, truth, joy and blessing. That nothing I have to do is more important than enjoying His presence. I need to stop pulling away. To surrender. To totally rest in that. To be able to be--no, to delight in being still and in His presence.
And as I take warm baths, because I am in pain and I have to, and as I lay in the doctors office, still for 16 whole minutes, because I am in pain and I have to, I have learned to enjoy being settled.
Thank You, Master, my Beloved, for holding me down. Too bad it had to come to this, but whatever it takes.
He will quiet you in His love. Zephaniah 3:17
Monday, February 09, 2009
Diligence vs. Obsession
God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised. --Hebrews 6:10-12 MSG
If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. --Phil 2:1-4 MSG
It has almost become an obsession, this search for a job. I am constantly checking the internet job lists, emailing out my resume, tweaking my cover letter...
When does diligence end and obsession begin? When can I stop checking the lists and say... Enough! Now it is time to clean my house, call a friend, do my Bible Study, read a book to my grandson, hug my husband or lend a helping hand.
The obsession comes from thinking that God will let me down, walk off and leave me. From forgetting that God is just and will not forget my work and the love I have shown Him as I have helped His people and continue to help them.
That I must be diligent BECAUSE God won't be.
Yes, this is just what Satan wants.
Help me, Beloved, to balance my life with good things as well as the necessary. Let me be diligent to look for what I need, and not just expect it to drop in my lap. On the other hand, help me not obsess. Obsession is not of You. You can be trusted with my life, my future and my family.
Don't be obsessed with getting more material things. Be relaxed with what you have. Since God assured us, "I'll never let you down, never walk off and leave you," we can boldly quote,
God is there, ready to help;
I'm fearless no matter what.
Who or what can get to me? --Hebrews 13:5-6 MSG
If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. --Phil 2:1-4 MSG
It has almost become an obsession, this search for a job. I am constantly checking the internet job lists, emailing out my resume, tweaking my cover letter...
When does diligence end and obsession begin? When can I stop checking the lists and say... Enough! Now it is time to clean my house, call a friend, do my Bible Study, read a book to my grandson, hug my husband or lend a helping hand.
The obsession comes from thinking that God will let me down, walk off and leave me. From forgetting that God is just and will not forget my work and the love I have shown Him as I have helped His people and continue to help them.
That I must be diligent BECAUSE God won't be.
Yes, this is just what Satan wants.
Help me, Beloved, to balance my life with good things as well as the necessary. Let me be diligent to look for what I need, and not just expect it to drop in my lap. On the other hand, help me not obsess. Obsession is not of You. You can be trusted with my life, my future and my family.
Don't be obsessed with getting more material things. Be relaxed with what you have. Since God assured us, "I'll never let you down, never walk off and leave you," we can boldly quote,
God is there, ready to help;
I'm fearless no matter what.
Who or what can get to me? --Hebrews 13:5-6 MSG
Saturday, February 07, 2009
To say no to the king
But Queen Vashti refused to come at the king's command delivered by the eunuchs. Then the king became very angry and his wrath burned within him. -- Esther 1:12
In the drama of life, how often did I desire to be cast in the Esther role...the wise one with the message from God to save His people, restore the Kingdom. Perhaps the role of Vashti was always my destiny, certainly in this chapter. And then to find that I am not the only one to play this role as well...
I said no to the king because the King, my Beloved, told me no, that He would not go before me with His joy and His power. I was the one who needed to learn the boundaries, and so here come the consequences.
Beloved, whatever role You give me in Your drama is sweet and life-giving to me, although it may not appear to be so to my eyes right now. Vashti was never mentioned again in scripture, and we do not know how it turned out for her, but I know Your plans for me are good and true. In any case, I praise You! My pleasure is to make Your name famous, to enrich Your Kingdom!
Father, let Your Esther come and save Your people! Let me pray for her and rejoice in her success! Ultimately, in Your success!
"Therefore, if it pleases the king, let him issue a royal decree and let it be written in the laws of Persia and Media, which cannot be repealed, that Vashti is never again to enter the presence of King Xerxes. Also let the king give her royal position to someone else who is better than she." -- Esther 1:19
In the drama of life, how often did I desire to be cast in the Esther role...the wise one with the message from God to save His people, restore the Kingdom. Perhaps the role of Vashti was always my destiny, certainly in this chapter. And then to find that I am not the only one to play this role as well...
I said no to the king because the King, my Beloved, told me no, that He would not go before me with His joy and His power. I was the one who needed to learn the boundaries, and so here come the consequences.
Beloved, whatever role You give me in Your drama is sweet and life-giving to me, although it may not appear to be so to my eyes right now. Vashti was never mentioned again in scripture, and we do not know how it turned out for her, but I know Your plans for me are good and true. In any case, I praise You! My pleasure is to make Your name famous, to enrich Your Kingdom!
Father, let Your Esther come and save Your people! Let me pray for her and rejoice in her success! Ultimately, in Your success!
"Therefore, if it pleases the king, let him issue a royal decree and let it be written in the laws of Persia and Media, which cannot be repealed, that Vashti is never again to enter the presence of King Xerxes. Also let the king give her royal position to someone else who is better than she." -- Esther 1:19
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
Jesus, The One and Only
Beth Moore's devotional journal was amazing. What was even more amazing was the dialog that went on with Jesus as He spoke lovingly, and sometimes firmly, to me as we went on this journey. So that it is not only hidden in a bookcase, here's the best of it for easy access--as you know, now is a time to need encouragement. So faithfully, I will record it...
I had always known Him. I don't remember the beginnings. He was like an associate, casual friend, meeting and greeting each other as our lives crosses, but very seldom making a date.
Then I started to see Him regularly, getting to know Him. Who He was and what He was about. How attractive He was--strong, tender, wise!
And then one day when we were together, He said He wanted more of my life -- He wanted more of me, was I willing? He asked and I said yes. The day was June 24, 1988.
I once desired to be rich and famous. Jesus, now I want to enrich Your Kingdom and make You famous.
Choose me, Jesus! Perfect me so I do not do harm, and as I do, please give me the wisdom and courage to confess and repent! Purify my heart, my divided conflicted heart and make me whole! Jesus, stand beside me, hold my hand, let me sense Your presence like I never have before.
Satan taunts, "Your God will deny you provision and affirmation."
God says, "Wait on Me, I will supply all your needs. I will renew your strength. I will repay your enemies."
Satan taunts, "Your God gives you the desire to teach and then will not allow you to do it."
God says, "I have given you plenty of opportunity -- seize and delight in them."
God says, "I am not going to waste the gifts I have entrusted to you. You need to wait -- it's part of the training process. "
God says, "I do indeed read your thoughts and I still love you and have a place in the Kingdom for you."
Father, Thank You for inviting me into Your throne room to engage with You over the issues of my life. I want to walk out in a huff. I want to return to my busyness to forget.
But You draw me back. You draw me in. You desire to finish it, the work You began in me, although I resist You. You are faithful.
Hold onto me, Beloved. Be my Everything.
My biggest stumbling block is desiring to please other people, desiring to be "right and good" in people's eyes and analyzing other's feelings to draw conclusions about their motives and figure them out. You desire me to do Your perfect law of love in the light and in the dark, but to have good boundaries.
Let people alone to make their own choices and their own mistakes. Put down the desire to change others but take up the care for yourself and the things Christ has given you charge over.
"The BIG LIE: Satan has convinced us that putting down our self-stuff is some huge sacrifice....Our self-stuff is what makes us most miserable!"
You did nothing wrong by staying there. You were following Me.
You did nothing wrong by leaving, nor did they! You were following Me.
Do not worry, My daughter, even now. Rest in Me and I will not disappoint you or him. Indeed, I will fill and delight you both!
You can be hurt, and angry even. But you need to move to forgiveness if you want to remain in the shelter of My wings.
Let your hurt now be a reminder not to return to this great sin. Bring it to Me, bring it to them if I bid you--but no one else and do not allow others to bring theirs to you.
Barbara, if I could just change you, if you alone would only be obedient to my revealed Word, I could change the face of your corner of the vineyard. Read to know, but allow Me to tell you what to do.
I will build My Church. No one else.
Please do not go where I do not send you. I will not follow you there. I will wait here until you return.
Be at peace. I have shown you over and over that I see your service and I have a plan for you. What I have for you is marked with your name and held in my strong hand. No one will snatch it. I will keep it safe for you and you will see it, at the proper time.
It is unthinkable, Your courage and Your pain -- that You would do this only to save me and present me unblemished to the Father and say, "She is Mine -- I have bought her, look, even with My blood."
Why then would I think You would leave me in this place? Indeed, where ever I go, I have You!
Allow me to see my mission field in where I am now, even in my kitchen, even on the Parkway. Allow me to see You, hear Your voice and take the next step.
" The cross is the open door no man can shut."
Nothing can hurt me, Beloved. You have forgiven even my most horrid sins. My obedience is not to secure Your favor but to free me from bondage, to avoid causing others pain.
You have opened the door. No temptation can shut it!!
Nothing is accidental about being in this place -- You have a plan.
Do not allow what you see to overtake your heart. I have a plan for you! There is an unseen victory and it is Mine. Step in obedience and rejoice! I have overcome the world!!
***
I had always known Him. I don't remember the beginnings. He was like an associate, casual friend, meeting and greeting each other as our lives crosses, but very seldom making a date.
Then I started to see Him regularly, getting to know Him. Who He was and what He was about. How attractive He was--strong, tender, wise!
And then one day when we were together, He said He wanted more of my life -- He wanted more of me, was I willing? He asked and I said yes. The day was June 24, 1988.
I once desired to be rich and famous. Jesus, now I want to enrich Your Kingdom and make You famous.
Choose me, Jesus! Perfect me so I do not do harm, and as I do, please give me the wisdom and courage to confess and repent! Purify my heart, my divided conflicted heart and make me whole! Jesus, stand beside me, hold my hand, let me sense Your presence like I never have before.
***
Satan taunts, "Your God will deny you provision and affirmation."
God says, "Wait on Me, I will supply all your needs. I will renew your strength. I will repay your enemies."
Satan taunts, "Your God gives you the desire to teach and then will not allow you to do it."
God says, "I have given you plenty of opportunity -- seize and delight in them."
God says, "I am not going to waste the gifts I have entrusted to you. You need to wait -- it's part of the training process. "
God says, "I do indeed read your thoughts and I still love you and have a place in the Kingdom for you."
***
Father, Thank You for inviting me into Your throne room to engage with You over the issues of my life. I want to walk out in a huff. I want to return to my busyness to forget.
But You draw me back. You draw me in. You desire to finish it, the work You began in me, although I resist You. You are faithful.
Hold onto me, Beloved. Be my Everything.
***
My biggest stumbling block is desiring to please other people, desiring to be "right and good" in people's eyes and analyzing other's feelings to draw conclusions about their motives and figure them out. You desire me to do Your perfect law of love in the light and in the dark, but to have good boundaries.
Let people alone to make their own choices and their own mistakes. Put down the desire to change others but take up the care for yourself and the things Christ has given you charge over.
***
"The BIG LIE: Satan has convinced us that putting down our self-stuff is some huge sacrifice....Our self-stuff is what makes us most miserable!"
You did nothing wrong by staying there. You were following Me.
You did nothing wrong by leaving, nor did they! You were following Me.
Do not worry, My daughter, even now. Rest in Me and I will not disappoint you or him. Indeed, I will fill and delight you both!
***
You can be hurt, and angry even. But you need to move to forgiveness if you want to remain in the shelter of My wings.
Let your hurt now be a reminder not to return to this great sin. Bring it to Me, bring it to them if I bid you--but no one else and do not allow others to bring theirs to you.
Barbara, if I could just change you, if you alone would only be obedient to my revealed Word, I could change the face of your corner of the vineyard. Read to know, but allow Me to tell you what to do.
***
I will build My Church. No one else.
Please do not go where I do not send you. I will not follow you there. I will wait here until you return.
Be at peace. I have shown you over and over that I see your service and I have a plan for you. What I have for you is marked with your name and held in my strong hand. No one will snatch it. I will keep it safe for you and you will see it, at the proper time.
***
It is unthinkable, Your courage and Your pain -- that You would do this only to save me and present me unblemished to the Father and say, "She is Mine -- I have bought her, look, even with My blood."
Why then would I think You would leave me in this place? Indeed, where ever I go, I have You!
Allow me to see my mission field in where I am now, even in my kitchen, even on the Parkway. Allow me to see You, hear Your voice and take the next step.
***
" The cross is the open door no man can shut."
Nothing can hurt me, Beloved. You have forgiven even my most horrid sins. My obedience is not to secure Your favor but to free me from bondage, to avoid causing others pain.
You have opened the door. No temptation can shut it!!
Nothing is accidental about being in this place -- You have a plan.
***
Do not allow what you see to overtake your heart. I have a plan for you! There is an unseen victory and it is Mine. Step in obedience and rejoice! I have overcome the world!!
Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling,
And to present you faultless
Before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy,
To God our Savior,
Who alone is wise,
Be glory and majesty,
Dominion and power,
Both now and forever.
Amen.
And to present you faultless
Before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy,
To God our Savior,
Who alone is wise,
Be glory and majesty,
Dominion and power,
Both now and forever.
Amen.
--Jude 24-25
Friday, January 23, 2009
As I Stand in the Crossroad
Standing in this crossroad, I wonder which way to go. And I ask my Father, Abba, which path do I take? Which way do I go?
It is not the path. It is the step. And the next step is the simple, obedient, necessary thing.
And there, beloved, look for Me and you will find Me.
And so today, I did not answer any job ads. Instead I fed my sweet baby some of my oatmeal from my plate and watched as he smiled and made little boy sounds as he skillfully (for a 2 year old!) scooped all the oatmeal from his plate. When I scooped him another portion from my plate he said what sounded very much like "thank you, granma" -- and there, Abba, I saw Your face.
And today I went to the ShopRite with the last of the money from last week and I filled my cart. It was enough, under $100, under an hour (an old shopping goal of mine that I had not met in years). And there, as I payed and got change back, Abba, I saw Your face.
And today I had lunch with Gabe, my dear brother. He encouraged me and drove me and paid for my meal. He joked and smiled and ate what was left from my plate. We talked of You too, Abba, and I thanked You there for him and his love. What a wonderful gift was there for me, Abba, when I saw Your face.
Your face, Abba, is everywhere I go! The opportunities to minister is not just in a church, but in the store, at the restaurant, in my own kitchen. Keep me alert to see them, as I take the next step of obedience to You each day, as I praise You and thank You and trust You even moment by moment!
It is not the path, but the next step You will light for me, and as I go, I will find myself with You, Beloved, and it will be the right path.
Isaiah 42:16
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.
It is not the path. It is the step. And the next step is the simple, obedient, necessary thing.
And there, beloved, look for Me and you will find Me.
And so today, I did not answer any job ads. Instead I fed my sweet baby some of my oatmeal from my plate and watched as he smiled and made little boy sounds as he skillfully (for a 2 year old!) scooped all the oatmeal from his plate. When I scooped him another portion from my plate he said what sounded very much like "thank you, granma" -- and there, Abba, I saw Your face.
And today I went to the ShopRite with the last of the money from last week and I filled my cart. It was enough, under $100, under an hour (an old shopping goal of mine that I had not met in years). And there, as I payed and got change back, Abba, I saw Your face.
And today I had lunch with Gabe, my dear brother. He encouraged me and drove me and paid for my meal. He joked and smiled and ate what was left from my plate. We talked of You too, Abba, and I thanked You there for him and his love. What a wonderful gift was there for me, Abba, when I saw Your face.
Your face, Abba, is everywhere I go! The opportunities to minister is not just in a church, but in the store, at the restaurant, in my own kitchen. Keep me alert to see them, as I take the next step of obedience to You each day, as I praise You and thank You and trust You even moment by moment!
It is not the path, but the next step You will light for me, and as I go, I will find myself with You, Beloved, and it will be the right path.
Isaiah 42:16
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.
Monday, January 19, 2009
He showed up just for me!
I have been doing ministry for a while, so at this point, I just expect God to show up for those occasions. Even though volunteers sometimes have to cancel and technical problems occur and kids get sick, God always shows up.
Even when I started my job at the homeless shelter, and God gave me a passion and power, mercy and love for the people who I met there, I figured, well, I was in a homeless shelter! Of course God showed up for me.
But this week, as I collected my self, sorted through my emotions and Christmas decorations and toddler toys, God showed up then too. In the middle of snow storms and sore backs and driving my 21 year old to work and back with her baby in my back seat, God showed up.
He showed up just for me!
Because other times when I have been home, I have been lost and aimless. But this past week, He invited me to rest. A Sabbath holy rest, and I invited Him to join me and He did. He talked to me as I walked the dog, matched the soxes, wrapped the fragile decorations, stowed away the candles. He gave me peace as I vacuumed and dusted.
Now THAT is a miracle.
Thank You, Father, my Beloved, my Everything.
Even when I started my job at the homeless shelter, and God gave me a passion and power, mercy and love for the people who I met there, I figured, well, I was in a homeless shelter! Of course God showed up for me.
But this week, as I collected my self, sorted through my emotions and Christmas decorations and toddler toys, God showed up then too. In the middle of snow storms and sore backs and driving my 21 year old to work and back with her baby in my back seat, God showed up.
He showed up just for me!
Because other times when I have been home, I have been lost and aimless. But this past week, He invited me to rest. A Sabbath holy rest, and I invited Him to join me and He did. He talked to me as I walked the dog, matched the soxes, wrapped the fragile decorations, stowed away the candles. He gave me peace as I vacuumed and dusted.
Now THAT is a miracle.
Thank You, Father, my Beloved, my Everything.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Free fall
I started working at the age of 12. Jackie's Lemon Ice in Belleville; it was a landmark, everyone knew the place. Scooping lemon ice, I learned to make change and for my trouble, I was told I was paid more than anyone else. It was a dollar an hour.
In the winter on Saturdays, I worked with my dad. He owned a shop called Micchelli's Hairdressing in Bloomfield. We would leave in the early morning to be there for his first appointment at 7:45 am. I would answer the phone, take rollers from women's hair and sweep the floor. I was dad's "go for" -- as in "go for coffee" among other things. We never left before 6 p.m. I was paid $12 a day.
Later I worked at the Glen Ridge Country Club, flipping burgers while all the rich kids swam in the pool. By August they were bored with life at the Club. I was happy as I got to go for a swim after work.
In the winter, I worked in the Country Club office with a nice woman, who I can picture in my mind but I cannot remember her name.
By February in my senior year in college, I had my resume done and had begun sending out letters to companies who might be interested in my computer skills. IBM was among them and I was amazed to get a call back from them. As I wandered into the Franklin Lakes building for my first interview, I was awestruck. I accepted the job before graduation and was the first new college hire to start in June.
I always expected to return to work after Christina was born, but all the circumstances lined up to be a God-thing, so I resigned, got a nice buy-out and stayed home until Debbie started preschool. Then I started volunteering at Montclair Community Church until it turned into a paid part time job.
For years I had hoped that my job at the church could be expanded to full time to accomodate the growing financial need at home. This fall, again, all the circumstances lined up to be a God-thing and I accepted a full time position at what I hoped would have been my next ministry opportunity. But as you can see from my last post, that did not work out the way I thought.
Now I find myself unintentionally unemployed for the first time in, well, my entire life. And at the age of 53, your entire life is a good long time. It feels like I am in free fall. Some where between the dizzy sick feeling and the flight of a wonderful dream.
A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in Your grace
I've failed at a job, yet His mercy remains. I am concerned to make a wrong decision again, yet I'd still be caught in His grace.
I decided to wait a week before I apply again anywhere, just to regroup. I find myself perferring to stay home and clean toilets other than starting at a new job again. Or even sending out my resume. I am old now, rusty from being at home, and yet, I have not been at home. I want to minister really, but who will hire a woman with a lot of church experience doing a little bit of this and that and a degree in--Math???
And yet You are...
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
I want to sit home this time and wait for You to have that right person call me. I want the right job to fall in my lap, but I know that is not how it works. I don't want to make the wrong step so badly at this point that I would rather stand perfectly still.
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Yes, please take control, Father, as I am out of control! I am terrified. How do I walk in the right way? How will I know what to do? How I can avoid this again....how how?
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
Can I praise You Lord, while I wait, while I wander, while I stumble in the dark in this free fall I find myself in? If I praise You, will that be enough? Lord I can do no more than cry out!
From the inside out Lord, my soul crys out, from the inside out Lord, my soul crys out, from the inside out...
In the winter on Saturdays, I worked with my dad. He owned a shop called Micchelli's Hairdressing in Bloomfield. We would leave in the early morning to be there for his first appointment at 7:45 am. I would answer the phone, take rollers from women's hair and sweep the floor. I was dad's "go for" -- as in "go for coffee" among other things. We never left before 6 p.m. I was paid $12 a day.
Later I worked at the Glen Ridge Country Club, flipping burgers while all the rich kids swam in the pool. By August they were bored with life at the Club. I was happy as I got to go for a swim after work.
In the winter, I worked in the Country Club office with a nice woman, who I can picture in my mind but I cannot remember her name.
By February in my senior year in college, I had my resume done and had begun sending out letters to companies who might be interested in my computer skills. IBM was among them and I was amazed to get a call back from them. As I wandered into the Franklin Lakes building for my first interview, I was awestruck. I accepted the job before graduation and was the first new college hire to start in June.
I always expected to return to work after Christina was born, but all the circumstances lined up to be a God-thing, so I resigned, got a nice buy-out and stayed home until Debbie started preschool. Then I started volunteering at Montclair Community Church until it turned into a paid part time job.
For years I had hoped that my job at the church could be expanded to full time to accomodate the growing financial need at home. This fall, again, all the circumstances lined up to be a God-thing and I accepted a full time position at what I hoped would have been my next ministry opportunity. But as you can see from my last post, that did not work out the way I thought.
Now I find myself unintentionally unemployed for the first time in, well, my entire life. And at the age of 53, your entire life is a good long time. It feels like I am in free fall. Some where between the dizzy sick feeling and the flight of a wonderful dream.
A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in Your grace
I've failed at a job, yet His mercy remains. I am concerned to make a wrong decision again, yet I'd still be caught in His grace.
I decided to wait a week before I apply again anywhere, just to regroup. I find myself perferring to stay home and clean toilets other than starting at a new job again. Or even sending out my resume. I am old now, rusty from being at home, and yet, I have not been at home. I want to minister really, but who will hire a woman with a lot of church experience doing a little bit of this and that and a degree in--Math???
And yet You are...
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
I want to sit home this time and wait for You to have that right person call me. I want the right job to fall in my lap, but I know that is not how it works. I don't want to make the wrong step so badly at this point that I would rather stand perfectly still.
In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Yes, please take control, Father, as I am out of control! I am terrified. How do I walk in the right way? How will I know what to do? How I can avoid this again....how how?
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
Can I praise You Lord, while I wait, while I wander, while I stumble in the dark in this free fall I find myself in? If I praise You, will that be enough? Lord I can do no more than cry out!
From the inside out Lord, my soul crys out, from the inside out Lord, my soul crys out, from the inside out...
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Blessed be His name
The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the LORD. -- Job 1:21
Pastor Ed says that the shortest distance between two points is a zig-zag line. Life is like that, messy, with detours, and just when you think you have it figured out, you get this curve ball that does not make sense.
But then, it really does.
Yesterday, my boss called me into his office. He invited me to sit down. His desk was too clean, his smile too polished. You can feel it in the air, it would not be good.
"Barbara, I am terminating you," he said.
He was right, it wasn't working out. Although I appreciated his vision, was committed to the shelter, and loved the people---employees and clients alike, he and I did not have the right chemistry. And since he was the executive and I his executive assistant, it was inevitable that it would end this way.
In the end, I am glad that he did end it, as opposed to letting the pain linger. After I took a few breaths, I found myself relieved.
It was three months today that I would have been there. I find myself wondering why God took me there only to take me out after such a short time. Was I wrong to go? Did I not hear Him when I left Montclair?
Right now, I am thinking this is just a zig-zag line to get me to where I am really supposed to go. I feel His closeness as I praise Him...I rest in His embrace and know that He will work this out.
Blessed be the name of the LORD. -- Job 1:21
Pastor Ed says that the shortest distance between two points is a zig-zag line. Life is like that, messy, with detours, and just when you think you have it figured out, you get this curve ball that does not make sense.
But then, it really does.
Yesterday, my boss called me into his office. He invited me to sit down. His desk was too clean, his smile too polished. You can feel it in the air, it would not be good.
"Barbara, I am terminating you," he said.
He was right, it wasn't working out. Although I appreciated his vision, was committed to the shelter, and loved the people---employees and clients alike, he and I did not have the right chemistry. And since he was the executive and I his executive assistant, it was inevitable that it would end this way.
In the end, I am glad that he did end it, as opposed to letting the pain linger. After I took a few breaths, I found myself relieved.
It was three months today that I would have been there. I find myself wondering why God took me there only to take me out after such a short time. Was I wrong to go? Did I not hear Him when I left Montclair?
Right now, I am thinking this is just a zig-zag line to get me to where I am really supposed to go. I feel His closeness as I praise Him...I rest in His embrace and know that He will work this out.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
Blessings from God in 2008
- In March, Al's job changed, he was moved to Edison and got weekends off.
- Al’s new job allowed him to get home before Barb got up for work, which meant getting home in time for morning cuddles.
- Al and Barb were able to attend church together on Sundays.
- Al’s change of job in March in many ways prepared him for the next job change at year end.
- Debbie got accepted at Kean University.
- Christina continued doing well at Montclair State University and has returned to a more active social life.
- Barb was invited to give her testimony about Al’s salvation at the MOPS Spring Tea in May.
- Debbie graduated from High School.
- In June, Gio turned age 2! He talks now and boy! does he have a lot to say.
- Gio's grandparents, Emmanuel and Julia, got married in June.
- Gio's dad, Manny, joined the US Marines.
- Barb was invited to teach at the ACE fall session with David Langford and it was the best attended class that session.
- Barb and Al were able to take the entire month of August off together and to spend it at the beach.
- Al and Barb were blessed by their time at Union Congregational Church in Lavalette, meeting new friends there. They also enjoyed visits to Ocean Grove, seeing Charles Stanley and Oracle.
- Al had his best tomato growing season this summer.
- Debbie got her driver’s license before she started college.
- Al and Barb were able to attend ACE fall session together.
- Barb got a full time job at Urban Renewal Corp.
- Barb's friends and co-workers at MCC blessed her with many kind words, gifts, songs and a BIG party when she left her position there as Administrative Support and Bible Study leader.
- God give Al wisdom to select where to work when C&S closed. He hopes to be working stead at the Daily News, in New Jersey.
In all these changes, Al and I rejoice that God has caused us to grow closer together in love for each other. God has helped us to trust Him not only as the author and finisher of our salvation, but to trust in His daily protection and provision in our lives.
In all things, God is good and best of all, He is with us.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
just GO
Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace." (Luke 7:50)
How many times have I read this story of Jesus anointed by the sinful woman and wept? I could always relate to her, full of thanksgiving for His forgiveness and acceptance.
But this time, I looked at it afresh, and saw the word GO. And I heard the Father saying to me...
"Just GO--do not look back, analyze, wonder, fret, manage backwards---just go! For reasons you will never understand this side of eternity, I have moved you with My hand for such a time as this---out of there AND into here. You have learned, you have been obedient, but do NOT waste time looking back, indeed GO in peace. Go knowing that I am with you and them."
Thank You, Father. Help me to love You much by showing these, Your beloved in Newark, my love---indeed Your love through me.
"Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much." (Luke 7:44-47)
How many times have I read this story of Jesus anointed by the sinful woman and wept? I could always relate to her, full of thanksgiving for His forgiveness and acceptance.
But this time, I looked at it afresh, and saw the word GO. And I heard the Father saying to me...
"Just GO--do not look back, analyze, wonder, fret, manage backwards---just go! For reasons you will never understand this side of eternity, I have moved you with My hand for such a time as this---out of there AND into here. You have learned, you have been obedient, but do NOT waste time looking back, indeed GO in peace. Go knowing that I am with you and them."
Thank You, Father. Help me to love You much by showing these, Your beloved in Newark, my love---indeed Your love through me.
"Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much." (Luke 7:44-47)
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
You're the God of this city
You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are
In the morning I leave suburbia and take a long and winding road to work. Through the park, golden leaves, geese on still waters, under bridges, with water fountains around the bend. And in the distance, there is the Cathedral Basilica towering above the homes. The worship music is a perfect sound track to my drive, until finally I find myself in the inner city of Newark.
Over 8 decades ago, my father was born in a house only steps from where I work. As a young adult, he worked there and later moved his business to East Orange. The house he grew up in was torn down to build a highway, and the business places left when the 1960's riots broke out. The wealthy who made their residence in the area quickly abandoned the place, moving further and further into the suburbs, leaving the poor behind.
I find myself now in the midst of that neighborhood, working shoulder to shoulder with people who make their homes where my parents worked so hard to escape. We talked about Thanksgiving today at work. The menu may be slightly different, but the concept is always the same. Thanksgiving is a time for food and family, no matter where you live, what color your skin, or where you make your home.
21 years ago, I left the corporation that was the largest maker of computers in the world. I left a job with great benefits, a great salary, and a great future. If you had told me in 1987 that I would not return to full time work for 21 years, to raise my children at home and to be a part time secretary in a church setting, I would have told you that you were crazy.
And today I find myself working full time for the largest homeless shelter in Newark. In Kingdom currency, it's quite a promotion, one that I am honored that the Lord has given me. Every morning I pray that He would enable me to serve well in the new corner of His vineyard where He has placed me.
Each day I am sure that greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city.
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are
In the morning I leave suburbia and take a long and winding road to work. Through the park, golden leaves, geese on still waters, under bridges, with water fountains around the bend. And in the distance, there is the Cathedral Basilica towering above the homes. The worship music is a perfect sound track to my drive, until finally I find myself in the inner city of Newark.
Over 8 decades ago, my father was born in a house only steps from where I work. As a young adult, he worked there and later moved his business to East Orange. The house he grew up in was torn down to build a highway, and the business places left when the 1960's riots broke out. The wealthy who made their residence in the area quickly abandoned the place, moving further and further into the suburbs, leaving the poor behind.
I find myself now in the midst of that neighborhood, working shoulder to shoulder with people who make their homes where my parents worked so hard to escape. We talked about Thanksgiving today at work. The menu may be slightly different, but the concept is always the same. Thanksgiving is a time for food and family, no matter where you live, what color your skin, or where you make your home.
21 years ago, I left the corporation that was the largest maker of computers in the world. I left a job with great benefits, a great salary, and a great future. If you had told me in 1987 that I would not return to full time work for 21 years, to raise my children at home and to be a part time secretary in a church setting, I would have told you that you were crazy.
And today I find myself working full time for the largest homeless shelter in Newark. In Kingdom currency, it's quite a promotion, one that I am honored that the Lord has given me. Every morning I pray that He would enable me to serve well in the new corner of His vineyard where He has placed me.
Each day I am sure that greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
one small thing
They were planning a meeting today for the clients at our homeless shelter. (Read: clients=the homeless) The man in charge was having a hard time getting them to show up, so I volunteered to bring some baked goods, as an incentive. "You mean you'll pick up some donuts?" he asked. "Oh no," I replied. "I'll bake something myself."
This morning as I waited for the quick breads to finish baking, I read the account of Jesus, intending to just pass through the village of Nain. Instead, He found Himself in the middle of a funeral procession for a young man who was the only son of a widow. Scriptures tell us, "When the Lord saw her, His heart overflowed with compassion."
Jesus was able to raise the dead that day, and restored the young man to his mother. He did it because His heart overflowed with compassion.
Today, I could not give the clients all that was needed. I could not give these people a job or a home in the suburbs. I cannot heal their addictions or theirmphysical or emotional pain.
But I can still show the love of Christ by this one small thing. I baked them bread this morning. And hopefully in that, spread the love of Christ.
They praised God, saying... “God has visited his people today.” See Luke 7:11-17.
This morning as I waited for the quick breads to finish baking, I read the account of Jesus, intending to just pass through the village of Nain. Instead, He found Himself in the middle of a funeral procession for a young man who was the only son of a widow. Scriptures tell us, "When the Lord saw her, His heart overflowed with compassion."
Jesus was able to raise the dead that day, and restored the young man to his mother. He did it because His heart overflowed with compassion.
Today, I could not give the clients all that was needed. I could not give these people a job or a home in the suburbs. I cannot heal their addictions or theirmphysical or emotional pain.
But I can still show the love of Christ by this one small thing. I baked them bread this morning. And hopefully in that, spread the love of Christ.
They praised God, saying... “God has visited his people today.” See Luke 7:11-17.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Be Still
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm
They had a party for me yesterday, after church.
There were flowers and gifts and food, notes of
appreciation, and two Terry Boch songs, written just for me!
Everything a girl could want.
And yet I want to sit and cry.
The new office is getting easier to manage. I feel the
presence and power of God in this place.
I feel His love for these new people I serve.
I don't smell the smells and recoil. Instead, I want
to step into the ball and swing.
The woman I prayed for Friday came in to see me today.
I felt her connection and her determination to hold
onto her program and our Father.
And yet I want to sit and cry.
I don't want it to be over, this part of my life!!
I need to let it go, and yet I so want to hold on.
The ocean is rising, the thunder roars.
There is no where to run, no where to hide.
It encompasses me, grabs my ankle and won't let go
as the water rises over my face.
I will soar with You above the storm
--Yes I know that
but I cannot feel that now.
Hold onto me, Father. I asked for this and
I know You are near. Help me burn the ships,
so the temptation to return will not
overwhelm me in the flood.
Father, You are King over the Flood
I know I only have to be still
and You will let it wash over me
and it will be ok.
Hold my hand, Beloved. Hold tight!
And I will be still
and know that You are God.
I will soar with You above the storm
They had a party for me yesterday, after church.
There were flowers and gifts and food, notes of
appreciation, and two Terry Boch songs, written just for me!
Everything a girl could want.
And yet I want to sit and cry.
The new office is getting easier to manage. I feel the
presence and power of God in this place.
I feel His love for these new people I serve.
I don't smell the smells and recoil. Instead, I want
to step into the ball and swing.
The woman I prayed for Friday came in to see me today.
I felt her connection and her determination to hold
onto her program and our Father.
And yet I want to sit and cry.
I don't want it to be over, this part of my life!!
I need to let it go, and yet I so want to hold on.
The ocean is rising, the thunder roars.
There is no where to run, no where to hide.
It encompasses me, grabs my ankle and won't let go
as the water rises over my face.
I will soar with You above the storm
--Yes I know that
but I cannot feel that now.
Hold onto me, Father. I asked for this and
I know You are near. Help me burn the ships,
so the temptation to return will not
overwhelm me in the flood.
Father, You are King over the Flood
I know I only have to be still
and You will let it wash over me
and it will be ok.
Hold my hand, Beloved. Hold tight!
And I will be still
and know that You are God.
Friday, November 07, 2008
Today in the field
They are called clients. The people who live in the homeless shelter where I work. They are the poor, the mentally challenged, the addicted, the formerly incarcerated, or just down on their luck. In the course of my day, some come to visit me.
Today, the woman who came and sat in my chair wept quietly, the tears streaming down her face. The heroin has seduced her back into it's lair and she felt regret and trapped. I suggested that she talk to someone on staff who could help her, but she refused. Against orders from my boss, I asked if I could pray for her, she was willing, and so I did.
I continued to pray for her as I drove home, unable to shake the sight of her, the pain she felt. My problems shrunk in the shadow of hers.
And yet, later I thought about my own sin, how it has seduced me back into it's lair and how I feel regret and trapped. How am I different from her? Is her sin so big and mine so small? Is my sin less deadly, more appropriate somehow because I can still go home to my house and make dinner for my family and pretend better that things are ok?
Why is she a client and I am not?
In the church, we are all clients. We all have our sins, some more secret than others, but there none the less. I may be able to pretend that I am living the life, but the truth be told, I am just as needy as she.
Like her, I must confess, pray, get help to change. Every day.
Romans 3:22-24
This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.
Today, the woman who came and sat in my chair wept quietly, the tears streaming down her face. The heroin has seduced her back into it's lair and she felt regret and trapped. I suggested that she talk to someone on staff who could help her, but she refused. Against orders from my boss, I asked if I could pray for her, she was willing, and so I did.
I continued to pray for her as I drove home, unable to shake the sight of her, the pain she felt. My problems shrunk in the shadow of hers.
And yet, later I thought about my own sin, how it has seduced me back into it's lair and how I feel regret and trapped. How am I different from her? Is her sin so big and mine so small? Is my sin less deadly, more appropriate somehow because I can still go home to my house and make dinner for my family and pretend better that things are ok?
Why is she a client and I am not?
In the church, we are all clients. We all have our sins, some more secret than others, but there none the less. I may be able to pretend that I am living the life, but the truth be told, I am just as needy as she.
Like her, I must confess, pray, get help to change. Every day.
Romans 3:22-24
This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Christina's Sweet 16 Letter
Shuffling through stuff on my office PC, I found this letter I wrote to Christina on her 16th birthday. This December, she will be 20 already, but still it is sweet to remember life when she was 16, so, here's the letter:
Christmas Morning 2003
Dear Christina,
Sixteen years ago this morning I woke up in strange surroundings all alone. I was in a hospital not far from here. And that morning the nurses brought me a large red Christmas stocking, with an infant inside. She had on a tiny red Santa cap with a white pomp-pomp on the top; she had a head full of silky black hair and perfect little lips. And she was the best Christmas present ever.
We called her Christina.
My life had never been the same since. Although there were sacrifices to stay home with you, I never regretted a thing. I count all the things I could have been, could have done, could have had, as rubbish compared to the joy of being able to be home and raise you, care for you, love you and enjoy you. You have been a treasure and it has been a great privilege, a gift from God Himself, to be your mom.
But now, you are a young woman and the time has come for you to fly away like the beautiful butterfly you have morphed into. I am impressed by your great wisdom, your tenderhearted love for your sister and your friends, your faith. I am awed by how you care for yourself; how you can do things I can't do, like your running in track, your life guarding, your sweet way with small children, your fashion sense, your maturity shown in counseling your friends. The freedom that I give you, I do with confidence that you want to do the right things and that you have the strength of character to influence your friends to do the right things, instead of going along with what they want to do. It is with confidence that I watch you walk into your future because I am certain of your commitment to Christ, and that He has great plans for your life.
One thing to remember is the two-sided truth revealed to us in God's word:
We called her Christina.
My life had never been the same since. Although there were sacrifices to stay home with you, I never regretted a thing. I count all the things I could have been, could have done, could have had, as rubbish compared to the joy of being able to be home and raise you, care for you, love you and enjoy you. You have been a treasure and it has been a great privilege, a gift from God Himself, to be your mom.
But now, you are a young woman and the time has come for you to fly away like the beautiful butterfly you have morphed into. I am impressed by your great wisdom, your tenderhearted love for your sister and your friends, your faith. I am awed by how you care for yourself; how you can do things I can't do, like your running in track, your life guarding, your sweet way with small children, your fashion sense, your maturity shown in counseling your friends. The freedom that I give you, I do with confidence that you want to do the right things and that you have the strength of character to influence your friends to do the right things, instead of going along with what they want to do. It is with confidence that I watch you walk into your future because I am certain of your commitment to Christ, and that He has great plans for your life.
One thing to remember is the two-sided truth revealed to us in God's word:
- "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Philippians 4:13) and
- "...without Me you can do nothing" (John 15:5).
When God is encouraging us to do something, we can trust Him to meet us at our point of weakness and help us overcome all the obstacles that come our way. As we obey Him, He is faithful to help us do what we cannot. Everyone is afraid at times, but no matter how you may feel on the inside; remember that courage is not about not feeling fear. It is about doing what you need to do in spite of the fear. Courage is not only important for men. Women need to be courageous too. Jesus said, "In the world you will have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but take courage; be confident, certain and undaunted! For I have overcome the world! " (John 16:33)
On the other hand, we need to remember that all our strength comes from God, from "abiding in" Him through prayer, Bible study, Christian fellowship and service. We need to love Him and follow Him in with boundless enthusiasm. As we need air and water and food, we need Him. As we need a map and directions when we are lost in the dark, we need Him. And the best part is, He is always there, just a prayer away. Jesus said, "I am with you always, even to the end of the world." (Matthew 28:20). He has always kept that promise for me.
Because you have always wanted to do the right thing, since you were very small, I have not had to punish you very much. Unfortunately, I have found in my life, wanting to do the right thing is not enough. Because we are breathing, we will continue in this life to do the wrong thing. And when we do the wrong things, the Holy Spirit convicts us. But don't feel bad when God is convicting you; it means He loves you. "My child, don't ignore it when the Lord disciplines you and don’t be discouraged when He corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those He loves, and He punishes those He accepts as His children." (Hebrews 12:5-6) I know the Holy Spirit continues to convict you in your heart when you are doing the wrong thing. Don't ignore Him, embrace Him and ask for forgiveness. "If we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us of every wrong." (1 John 1:9) Our relationship with God, and with others, deepens as we practice the discipline of confession. It is a hard thing to do, but it is so worthwhile.
The other thing to remember is success in life cannot be measured by how much you have, own or do. "But godliness with contentment is great wealth. After all, we didn't bring anything with us when we came into this world, and we certainly can't carry anything with us when we die. So if you have enough food and clothing, let us be content." (1Timothy 6:6-7) Success is not about how many people know your name, or think you are great. Success is measured by making a difference in the lives of people. We cannot take any thing with us when we die, but we can take other people. Jesus said, "You know that in this world, kings are tyrants and officials lord it over the people beneath them. But among you it should be quite different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must become your slave. For even I, the Son of Man, came here not to be served but to serve others, and to give My life as a ransom for many." (Matthew 20:25-28) I expect you to have great success in life. Don't let anyone tell you that there is any other way to succeed but God's way.
Christina, I love you. These next few years will be difficult for our relationship as we navigate the waters of your new independence and my taking a step back in managing your life. It is a dance we will need to learn together and we will be stepping on each other’s toes. It is a happy and exciting time, and a sad and scary time for us. But please know that I have confidence in you and in God who loves and cares for you.
The change that results from whole hearted devotion to Christ
The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition. 1 Peter 3:1-4 MSG
It has been two years now since Al committed his life to Christ, and a good time to reflect on that, from my point of view. People ask me, how has Al changed? Now would be a good time to share how life is different now that he has crossed the line of faith.
First, I now urge, even more strongly, women who are yet unmarried to only commit to a man who is whole-heartedly devoted to Christ. I am amazed at the difference this has made in our life together.
I did not have to instruct or encourage Al to change. It happened by the exclusive and mighty power of the Spirit of Christ. He reads his Bible daily, listens to praise music, reads Christian books---his current interest is in the marriage relationship. He desires to be a godly husband and is pursuing that goal in a passionate way.
He prays with me. He cries with me. He gives me Godly counsel, he is much more patient to hear about my issues and shares his with me. He pursues me, makes sure we have enough quality time together. He leaves me notes, he reads to me, he calls me at work, he has given me gifts unlike before this time. He has become my best friend. He has become an even sweeter lover.
He will accept my rebuke of his sins (of course, I need to be gentle and respectful), and he thoughtfully considers my words. Even if sometimes emotions are too hot for an immediate positive response, he always comes back to me later. He says he’s SORRY and admits when he is wrong.
Two years later, I still am amazed at this blessing from God. I am awed by the power of the Spirit to transform and this has given me hope to pray for the most difficult issues.
I would also like to share, from my current perspective, what to do if you are still waiting for this transformation to happen in your husband. If I would give a word of advice, it would be this…
While you wait, pursue a holy life, devoted to Jesus.
It is not easy to do this as a woman married to a man who is uncommitted to God. But doing this will accomplish two things.
First, we can not impart what we do not have. As we are changed by the power of the Spirit, that change effects others, especially those in our household. The beauty of inner holiness is very attractive.
Second, as we wait, Jesus longs to strengthen us, console us, fulfill our every need, and be the husband to us we do not yet have. Do not allow the busy-ness of the world to pull you away from this. Draw near to Jesus by reading His Word, worship, prayer and fellowship with other believers. Cry out to Him when you are weary, let others lift you up in prayer, praise Him when you are impatient, go to His Word when you are confused. Jesus never disappoints.
Jesus is even more desirous of a commitment from your husband than you are. As you allow Jesus to change you, He can use you to draw your husband to Himself.
It has been two years now since Al committed his life to Christ, and a good time to reflect on that, from my point of view. People ask me, how has Al changed? Now would be a good time to share how life is different now that he has crossed the line of faith.
First, I now urge, even more strongly, women who are yet unmarried to only commit to a man who is whole-heartedly devoted to Christ. I am amazed at the difference this has made in our life together.
I did not have to instruct or encourage Al to change. It happened by the exclusive and mighty power of the Spirit of Christ. He reads his Bible daily, listens to praise music, reads Christian books---his current interest is in the marriage relationship. He desires to be a godly husband and is pursuing that goal in a passionate way.
He prays with me. He cries with me. He gives me Godly counsel, he is much more patient to hear about my issues and shares his with me. He pursues me, makes sure we have enough quality time together. He leaves me notes, he reads to me, he calls me at work, he has given me gifts unlike before this time. He has become my best friend. He has become an even sweeter lover.
He will accept my rebuke of his sins (of course, I need to be gentle and respectful), and he thoughtfully considers my words. Even if sometimes emotions are too hot for an immediate positive response, he always comes back to me later. He says he’s SORRY and admits when he is wrong.
Two years later, I still am amazed at this blessing from God. I am awed by the power of the Spirit to transform and this has given me hope to pray for the most difficult issues.
I would also like to share, from my current perspective, what to do if you are still waiting for this transformation to happen in your husband. If I would give a word of advice, it would be this…
While you wait, pursue a holy life, devoted to Jesus.
It is not easy to do this as a woman married to a man who is uncommitted to God. But doing this will accomplish two things.
First, we can not impart what we do not have. As we are changed by the power of the Spirit, that change effects others, especially those in our household. The beauty of inner holiness is very attractive.
Second, as we wait, Jesus longs to strengthen us, console us, fulfill our every need, and be the husband to us we do not yet have. Do not allow the busy-ness of the world to pull you away from this. Draw near to Jesus by reading His Word, worship, prayer and fellowship with other believers. Cry out to Him when you are weary, let others lift you up in prayer, praise Him when you are impatient, go to His Word when you are confused. Jesus never disappoints.
Jesus is even more desirous of a commitment from your husband than you are. As you allow Jesus to change you, He can use you to draw your husband to Himself.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
A Job in the Field
Psalm 37:3-5
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in Him and He will do this:
trust in Him and He will do this:
One of my oldest fears about being "called" by God was thinking He would ask me to be a nun, or worse yet, to be a missionary in Africa or something like that. I was so relieved when I heard Pastor Ed’s teaching on this subject, saying that God does not work that way. He works on our hearts over a period of time until His desire for us becomes our desire.
God has been working on me for quite a while, from several different directions. He had given me a passion to be more active in the community and outside of the church. He had allowed concerns about finances to arise in our family. This past spring, as our youngest daughter, Debbie, graduated high school and was accepted into Kean University, the concern over tuition began to overwhelm me and I sought God in prayer for a full-time position. My position at MCC has been part-time.
At the Leadership Summit in August of this year, I was so torn up by Bill Hybels last talk. "Relentless" was the title, about Mother Theresa and the passion God put in her heart to help the poor and sick in Calcutta. I remember feeling so sad because I wanted to continue to serve Christ, but knew I needed to find full time employment. I didn't want to join a secular company and was concerned on how I would adjust to that after being secluded in the church for so long.
However, when I was first offered an interview with Urban Renewal Corp, a non-profit homeless shelter in Newark, I didn't even want to go. As God and I discussed the matter in the car on the way there, He told me, "I am not going to make you do anything. You will have to WANT this."
When I met the man behind the place, he so impressed me as someone who was doing Christ's work, although he is a not a committed Christ-follower. He was a businessman who fell into this because of his big heart. He is serious about serving the homeless, his program is impressive and comprehensive.
On Wednesday of this week, I was offered a position as Executive Assistant to the CEO of Urban Renewal, and because they needed to fill the position immediately, I began work on Thursday. I will be working also at MCC next week, and then off hours with the MCC staff as long as it takes to assure a smooth transition.
How fitting that God is sending me also to the mission field, even if it is only a few miles south of my home! I will still be able to make it home for dinner. God is indeed merciful!
This is something that I have been prayerful and patient about and I am confident that I am following God. I am sure that He will also provide what is needed at MCC to fill the gap I am leaving, because He loves us and always provides for His people.
It has been an honor and a privilege and a joy to serve Christ at MCC and I expect to continue to do so, just no longer 9-5.
Barbara
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