Boundary Line

 "Not everyone is as nice as you, Barbara"

That is what mom told me over and over. One golden piece of wisdom I wish I understood at a younger age.

This spring we completed the study Good Boundaries and Goodbyes by Lysa Terkheurst and as a result, I felt led to review all my past bad boundary lessons.

Mom was right, of course. I believed people were good and honest. I wanted to help. I wanted to be liked, to be good. My sense of self was wrapped up in other people, accommodating them, making them happy. Often I would try to conform to what they wanted me to be and to hide the parts of me that were ugly to others. But I could not keep up the charade.

I was drawn to adventure and drama to the point of chaos. That was my personal goal: to smooth out the chaos, to make it right. That was how I tried to help. But I was drawn to chaotic people and chaotic situations that I could not fix. Things beyond my control to fix. I tried anyway with talking, then reasoning, and eventually yelling. Cajoling, then guilt and manipulation. It was for their own good! Ha! In the end my being "nice" wasn't good. And it certainly was not loving.

Jesus is never like this. He let people walk away. He drew close to them, loved them, was honest and gentle with them, but allowed them to be who they were. Even when it hurt them. Even when it hurt Him. Even when it killed them. Even when it killed Him. 

Jesus uses broken people to further His Kingdom. It is His plan A and He has no plan B. He knows we are good and bad intertwined. He understands we ruin everything we touch because we are sinful people, but He uses us anyway. He uses the horrid situations we create and works them together for good.

Jesus is the Prince of Peace, the One who calms the storms. We cannot do that.

Jesus is the One who sees into the hearts of people and sees into the future. We cannot do that.

Jesus is the One who gives power and the One who can take it away. We cannot do that.

Jesus is the One who can change hearts. We cannot do that.

Jesus alone brings the victory. We must choose to be on His side, trusting Him and not others or ourselves!

As I accept these things, I have His peace. I can look at the horrid situations others create -- and I create -- in peace, trusting Him. I drop the burden of the perfection and pick up my own load. 

I can share my feelings and be honest with others. I can stop accommodating and hiding.  I can draw boundaries and explain them in a gentle and respectful manner. I can let others walk away. I can stay alert to evil temptations and resist or flee as God leads me.

But I still want the adventure, the excitement. I still want to tell my story. Let me find my adventure in the future You have for me, doing Your will. Let me find my excitement in worshiping Your glory. Let me tell my story here to You, Beloved. You read every word. You dry every tear. You hear every sigh of my heart.

I can't change anyone. I can love them.  That was all You ever asked of me anyway. 

* * * 

It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for Him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end...

Jesus was troubled in spirit and testified, “Very truly I tell you, one of you is going to betray Me.” His disciples stared at one another, at a loss to know which of them He meant. One of them, the disciple whom Jesus loved, was reclining next to Him. Simon Peter motioned to this disciple and said, “Ask Him which one He means.” 

Leaning back against Jesus, he asked Him, “Lord, who is it?” Jesus answered, “It is the one to whom I will give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish.” Then, dipping the piece of bread, He gave it to Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot. 

As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered into him. So Jesus told him, “What you are about to do, do quickly.” (John 13:1, 21-27)

Choice

While browsing on social media I noticed a video from a woman with a heart breaking story.  She and her husband were struggling to conceive and when she finally did, her doctor informed them at 20+ weeks that the baby had a catastrophic defect what would cause him to die almost immediately after birth. She chose abortion. Later they had a healthy daughter who was the light of her life. Although she had previously been pro-life, after her experience she was pro-choice and wanted her daughter and all women to have choices in their reproductive health care.

The point of her story was to convince you that allowing women the choice to abort is good. And choice is good. Choice was God's idea in the beginning, all the way back in Genesis.  

Now the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there He put the man He had formed. The Lord God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. (Genesis (2:8-9)

The Lord God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.” (Genesis 2:15-17) 

Notice, God created the garden, the man, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. He placed Adam in the garden and gave him ONE commandment and a CHOICE. Adam was made in God's image and God's desire was to have a loving relationship with him. And a relationship means there needs to be choice. Adam chose not to trust God and ultimately disobeyed His one commandment. 

God continues with the theme of providing choice to His people. As they entered the promised land, God instructs them through Moses:

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live (Deuteronomy 30:19)

The choice: trust God and obey Him or not. But the choice has consequences. The consequences of Adam's choice in the garden of Eden was for him and all humanity after him to be distanced from God, experience the harshness of the world outside of His perfect garden and ultimate death. 

As God ushered the nation of Israel into the promised land, He reminded them that their choice was truly between life and death. Later Joshua, who leads the nation of Israel after Moses, encouraged the next generation that the choice was theirs to make:

"But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” (Joshua 24:15)

We all have choices and we all choose. Sometimes we think we will avoid consequences but God will not be mocked. And He does not lie. The choice remains: life or death.

But God in His mercy and love for His people did not desire to stay estranged from them. So Jesus comes. His mission was to light the path to life.

God sent His Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through Him. There is no judgment against anyone who believes in Him. But anyone who does not believe in Him has already been judged for not believing in God’s one and only Son. And the judgment is based on this fact: God’s light came into the world, but people loved the darkness more than the light, for their actions were evil. (John 3:17-19)

Jesus can save us from all our bad choices. He provides forgiveness and His own righteousness so we can renew our broken relationship with God, His Father. But we still have a choice: to trust Jesus for this salvation that He offers, or not.

Every person in every generation must make that choice: to trust Jesus or not. In our generation, choices are even more complicated as technology advances. In every generation, women were faced with unexpected pregnancies and difficult circumstances. In every generation, some women experienced the heart breaking sorrow of a still born or deformed baby. Today pregnant women literally have the choice between life and death of their baby. 

What an excruciating choice!  

Those who advocate for abortion present it as if there are no consequences. They present abortion as a chance to change their future and to make the pregnancy just go away. But this is a deception. There are always consequences.  

Back to the heart breaking abortion video. What the women did not explain was the impact of a second trimester abortion on the mother and her developing baby. Sourced from doctors who provided this information at www.abortionprocedures.com, here is the explanation of the abortion procedure and the consequences:

The D&E (dilation [dilatation] and evacuation) abortion procedure is usually performed between thirteen and twenty-four weeks LMP (that is thirteen to twenty-four weeks after the first day of the woman’s last menstrual period), which is the second trimester of pregnancy.

This is a surgical abortion procedure during which an abortionist first dilates the woman’s cervix and then uses instruments to dismember and extract the baby from the uterus.  To prepare for a D&E abortion, the abortionist uses laminaria, a form of sterilized seaweed, to open the woman’s cervix 24 to 48 hours before the procedure. The laminaria soaks up liquid from the woman’s body and expands, widening (i.e., dilating) the cervix. 

When the woman returns to the abortion clinic, the abortionist may administer anesthesia and further open the cervix using metal dilators and a speculum. The abortionist inserts a large suction catheter into the uterus and turns it on, emptying the amniotic fluid. After the amniotic fluid is removed, the abortionist uses a sopher clamp — a grasping instrument with rows of sharp “teeth” — to grasp and pull the baby’s arms and legs, tearing the limbs from the child’s body.

Sopher clamp

The abortionist continues to grasp intestines, spine, heart, lungs, and any other limbs or body parts. The most difficult part of the procedure is usually finding, grasping and crushing the baby’s head. After removing pieces of the child’s skull, the abortionist uses a curette to scrape the uterus and remove the placenta and any remaining parts of the baby. 

The abortionist then collects all of the baby’s parts and reassembles them to make sure there are two arms, two legs, and that all of the pieces have been removed. 

At twenty weeks LMP, the baby’s nervous system is developed enough to feel pain. Research by the University of Toronto shows that babies at this stage can feel pain in the womb — even with greater intensity than adults. Almost all mothers feel the baby move by this point in pregnancy. 

For the woman, this procedure carries a significant immediate risk of major complications. Since the baby is removed in pieces, sharp pieces of broken fetal bones can puncture the woman’s uterus or cause a large tear (laceration). This perforation or laceration of the uterus or cervix, can also possibly damage the bowel, bladder, the rectum and other maternal organs. In addition to perforation and damage to internal organs, a second trimester abortion has a greatly increased risk of excessive bleeding and hemorrhaging.

I think women need to understand all this as part of their choice. Limiting knowledge or using emotional stories is not empowering women. It is manipulation. Is this information provided to women before they make a choice to abort?

Women know that mothering includes suffering as well as joy. Mothering is hard and requires sacrifice and some situations are much harder than others. I don't want to minimize at all the extremely difficult situation of the woman who made this video. I weep for her. I am sure God does too. And the offer of Jesus' forgiveness is available for her and for all women who chose abortion. 

Personally, I don't think the choice of abortion should be taken away from women. God gave us choice as a gift. It is how we are like Him. But choosing Him is always better. Choosing Him is life. 

We think we are choosing to continue with a pregnancy or not, but in fact the choice is between trusting God or not.  

My prayer is not that abortion be illegal. My prayer is abortion becomes unthinkable and that we rally around women with difficult pregnancy situations with compassion and provision. And that we remind women who have had abortions that forgiveness and reconciliation to God is always available to them through Jesus. 

For more information about abortion procedures from doctors, plus how to get help, please visit www.abortionprocedures.com.

Pray and Obey

They have no more wine.

They were at a family wedding in the town of Cana. Running out of wine at a wedding in those days was quite the embarrassment. The wedding had many guests and went on for days. What was the family to do? The situation seemed impossible. Plus Jesus was not encouraging in His response.

Dear woman, that’s not our problem. My time has not yet come.

And yet Mary was not deterred. She turned to the wedding servers and told them:

Do whatever He tells you.  

So much wisdom is packed into the short dialog they had together. I love how Mary simply brings this need to Jesus. Mary did not tell Jesus how to resolve the problem. She had complete confidence He would take care of it in His perfect way. His seeming reluctance did not deter her. She knew all that was required was obedience.

What if I had complete confidence and peace in Jesus' power, wisdom, and love for me and those who I love like Mary did? 

What if I present my concerns to Jesus in the simple way as Mary did instead of spending energy trying to figuring it out myself? 

What if I understood obedience was required for the Kingdom to come? 

What if I did not see God's delays as His denials and simply continued to trust Him?

What if I truly believed that prayer was doing something?

Beloved, help me to pray as Mary did, with confidence in Your power and Your wisdom and Your love. Help me to obey You as the servants did, even when it seems unreasonable. Help me to trust You because You are worthy.

When the master of ceremonies tasted the water that was now wine, not knowing where it had come from (though, of course, the servants knew), he called the bridegroom over. “A host always serves the best wine first,” he said. “Then, when everyone has had a lot to drink, he brings out the less expensive wine. But you have kept the best until now!” (John 2:1-11)

Crucial Conversations and Conflict Resolution

Presented to Montclair MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers)  

Today’s topic is effective communication and conflict resolution. My goal today is not only to discuss it, but to help you to actually do it better. So I will need your participation. 

Think about a person in your life with whom you struggle to resolve conflict effectively. Maybe it’s a friend or relative. Maybe it is a neighbor or co-worker. Maybe it’s a brother or sister or your husband. Maybe you can think of several people, but pick just one. Ok, do you have one? Please keep that person in mind as we discuss the topic this morning. 

My person is my mom. Now, my mom is a wonderful person and if you met her, you’d probably like her a lot. She is friendly, extremely outgoing, kind, generous, cheerful, and smart. But like everyone, she has her faults. She is controlling and stubborn. She has your best interest at heart as she tells you firmly and enthusiastically how to live your life. She is just being honest, telling it like it is and she only wants to help. 

I have heard there are, generally speaking, two types of people: conflict avoiders and conflict enjoyers. Conflict avoiders are like turtles, they avoid conflict and when engaged, they pull away into their shells. Conflict enjoyers are like skunks, they love to engage in conflict and when they do they stink up with place with their aggressive behavior. The problem with me and my mom is she is a conflict enjoyer and I am a conflict avoider. Our routine would be her trying to tell me how I can better run my life and me changing the subject or making up an excuse to hang up the phone. This went on for decades. 

Then inevitable happened. This past October my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. We all knew what that meant. Death is part of life, it is inevitable. The best we can hope and pray for is a good end. And my mother had a good end. She lived to age 94 and was alert and active until the last few weeks. She died in January surrounded by family and friends who loved her. 

As I watched her health rapidly decline I was grateful to God I had finally learned to effectively communicate with her and resolve conflict. The pinnacle of that endeavor convinced her to move from a single family home in Toms River (1 ½ hours away) to a nearby senior living community (only a half hour away) a year before her illness. This made our last months together good for both of us. This is what is motivating me to have this conversation with you. I had no idea what hung in the balance of me taking this topic seriously. I would suggest neither do you.

I am no expert. I am just a satisfied customer. And I am still learning and practicing these ideas. The best material I found was in these two books I highly recommend to you for further study:

• Crucial Conversations – Tools for Talking When the Stakes are High by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler

• When to Walk Away – Finding Freedom From Toxic People by Gary Thomas

If you are follower of Jesus Christ, this is not optional. Jesus simplified the 100s of Jewish laws into just two commands, the second one being: “Love one another.” Jesus stated in the gospel of John 13:34, and it was repeated at least 18 other times in the New Testament. The other Bible verse I kept going back to as I sought to learn how to resolve conflict in my relationships was from the letter to the Romans verse 12:18, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

But it is so hard, isn’t it? Exhausting, annoying, painful, frustrating and often it seems futile. At least that was my experience with the people in my life. My mother was too controlling. My husband was too stubborn. My daughter was too sensitive. My boss didn’t value my wisdom or experience. Some friends seemed too fragile. Others were too opinionated. And with each one we seemed to experience the same conflict over and over and never get anywhere.

However I did notice there was a common denominator in all of this. It was me. In every conflict there I was. So the light bulb went on. The source of the problem could be me! That was demoralizing and powerful all at once. Because I found I could not control others but I could control me! If I could get my part of this right that was all God was asking me to do.

Jesus said, “Why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying, ‘Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.” (Luke 6:41-42)

I began by reflecting on how I could get rid of the log in my eye first by considering how was I interacting with others. Who were the people I was having conflict with? I thought past what we were arguing about to why it bothered me. And the timing. Did the argument always start right after school or work? Right before bed? As we are desperately trying to get out of the house in the morning? It was also important to think about timing for the other person too. If I know my husband can’t process anything after 8 pm, then that is never the time to start an important discussion. All these things tell me important information about how I handle conflict and how I could be more effective.

I also thought about how I was reacting in the conversations. Here are some communication methods that destroy dialog: 

• Exaggeration – such as using “always” or “never”, as in “You always are late” or “You never help around the house”. Instead it is better to focus on a specific behavior, a specific time and explain how it made me feel. 
• Trait names – such as calling others a loser, a liar, or a jerk, or worse. When I call others names I am telling the person who they are to me, what their identity is. This is the opposite of what Christ does for us, as He calls us His precious children, made in His image. 
• Sarcasm – This is expressing contempt or ridicule, such as with snide remarks, little digs, and snarky comments. Even if this behavior does not cause an immediate blow-up, it will generate bad-will with others and doesn’t resolve the issue. All these things provoke the other person to anger not peace. It encouraged them to be defensive and blame me, not to listen to my needs or try to resolve the conflict. 
  
  
  
• Disrespect – Not only what we say but also tone, gestures, facial expressions and body language can all communicate disrespect. This includes rolling our eyes, folding our arms, tapping our foot or fingers, or raising our voice to name a few. Especially for men, this can totally shut them down. Better for me to focus on being kind and gentle, no matter how they are responding to me. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1) After working in customer service for over a decade, I can attest this is absolutely true. It was what I practiced during phone calls with irate clients and 9 out of 10 times, it produced good results. 
• Getting Historical – No, I don’t mean hysterical although that is not the best either. I mean rehearsing all the things the other person has done in the past that were wrong or hurtful. It tells the other person I assume they can never change; they can never be forgiven. It gets us stuck and can motivate them to give up and no longer try because, why bother? 
• Mind-reading – I am always so tempted to assume what the other person is thinking, and always to assume the worst. Here is where listening is so important! Don’t assume, ask them. Then I restate what I think they said to make sure there is understanding. 
• Stonewalling – This is refusing to cooperate or continue to communicate further on the topic or with a person, shutting down the dialog altogether. This was my favorite trick, to change the subject or come up with an excuse to hang up the phone. For me this was a defense because I felt like the discussion was going nowhere or I was losing. Often people stonewall because they do not feel safe to continue the discussion. Therefore it is important to make others feel safe to continue the dialogue.

I found it so helpful to take the time to consider not only my communication methods but also my attitudes and assumptions. Do I think I am right and the other person is crazy? Do I feel I am more mature spiritually and the other person is deceived? Do I want something from the other person but don’t really care about how it will affect them? Do I feel like the other person is so stubbornly
set in their ways that there is no point having the conversation? I asked God to reveal truth to me and show me where I was the problem. Taking time to reflect and being honest with myself has been very clarifying and beneficial. These are the questions I ask myself: 

• What is my role in the problem? Even if it is small, it is important. 
• Am I really open to the other person’s viewpoints? 
• Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person do this, say this or feel this way? 
• How can I confidently yet respectfully express my own views? 
• What is it about my own attitudes and motives that I need to repent of before the conversation starts?

I also took the time to determine what I wanted and needed. 

• What exactly is the issue that we need to resolve? What do I want to gain? 
• What do I not want to lose? 
• What did I really want in this relationship overall? Sometimes when we win on the issue we can lose on the relationship. If the relationship is important to you, that’s not really a win, is it? 
• What do I need to forgive? Where do I need to ask for forgiveness? 
• How important is this specific issue to me? Sometimes it helps to give it a number value.
     1: I’m not enthusiastic but it’s no big deal
     2: I don’t agree but I can let you have your way
     3: I don’t approve and need more time
     4: I strongly disapprove and can’t go along with this
     5: Over my dead body!
  When the issue is valued at a 1 or 2 for us, we can choose to submit. Submitting to others is a kindness that can pay dividends with increased good-will. Those are the easy ones. But make sure you are honest in your valuing what is important to you or it can create bad-will for you. 
• Boundaries are important to clearly express. What will we not put up with? We must be clear to others on the consequences of not respecting our boundaries. We also must be honest with ourselves on whether we will be able to enforce those consequences or not.

The closer the relationship, the easier it is to get caught up in our emotions, especially anger and fear. It is so easy to default into familiar patterns even if they have not worked in the past. I have found the best defense is spending time reflecting on my behavior and my values before I initiate any discussion. I pray and ask God what He wants from this relationship. I confess my past bad behavior and attitudes. I ask Him for direction, courage and self-control.

Sometimes we are not the one initiating the conversation. It comes unexpectedly and we are blindsided and unprepared. Sometimes it is just a bad time of day or week. There is nothing wrong with asking the other to postpone the discussion so we have time to think, to get a handle on our emotions and evaluate what we want. When we are the one to initiate a conversation, we should also allow the other person the option to take the time they need.

But we need to get back to it. Jesus said, “Therefore, if you are bringing an offering to God and you remember that your brother is angry at you or holds a grudge against you, then leave your gift before the altar, go to your brother, repent and forgive one another, be reconciled, and then return to the altar to offer your gift to God.” (Matthew 5:23-24) I think the most important word there is GO. We cannot have peace with God while we are at odds with another. We should not wait for someone to come to us. We should not avoid the conflict. We are commanded to be the initiator. I confess, this is hard for me, as I am the conflict avoider! I have the conversation in my head and I play both parts. If I lose the argument then I won’t have it. But I have repented of this. I no longer assume what the other will say. I ask them and are often surprised at the result!

As we engage with others, let’s take to heart this wisdom: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:9) 

• So first: Listen to others, taking in not only what they think but also how they feel. 
• Do not interrupt with your arguments or judgments. Show them the respect to allow them to share their thoughts fully until they feel they are done. Sharing your ideas can come later. They will be more apt to listen to you when you patiently listen to them first. 
• Reflect back to them what you think they said to make sure you understand correctly. 
• Ask questions to discover more information. Ask why questions: why did they do that? Why do they feel this way? Sometimes it is helpful to ask about their family of origin, or other past relationships. Do not assume you know their motives, instead ask them to share. Be curious, be patient, be sincere. Start with looking to understand not to push for agreement. Deciding how to resolve the issue can come later. 
• Be respectful and kind to make it safe for them to tell you what they really think and how they really feel.

Even knowing these are good things, I often ask myself, am I doing them? Where am I falling short? It is easy and it feels much better to notice where the other person is behaving badly. But that is much less productive. When we focus on our part, we can make progress, no matter what the other person does.

As we start to speak ourselves, SLOW is a good word to remember. 

• First, apologize for your past mistakes or bad behavior if needed. Never underestimate how disarming a heartfelt apology can be! It can soften the heart of the other person and make them feel safe and open to hear what you have to say. 
• Share what you want and how you feel. Express your boundaries clearly. 
• Help them understand how important it is to you and why. 
• Do not judge their actions as right or wrong, just explain how it affects you. 
• Be factual but gentle remembering what we say might hurt them. Lead with compassion. You want to minimize their hurt but still tell the truth. 
• Correct any misconceptions or false assumptions, theirs or yours. 
• Try to find common ground. Don’t feel you have to close the deal. Accept their position even if you do not feel it is right or good. If your boundaries will permit, leave the door open for future dialog. Sometimes people need time to process. 
• Don’t allow the other’s attitude or methods to rule how you engage with them. Just because they are acting badly, does not mean you need to retaliate. Even if others are not worthy of respect, we can still be respectful. Even if others are angry, we can still be gentle. 
• Here is the disclaimer part. Remember the command is: as far as it depends on you. It always takes two in a relationship and sometimes the other person is not willing. We need to allow people to tell us who they are and believe them even if it means we can’t continue with the relationship. If you have to walk away from the relationship, trust God to judge and work things out. Our obligation is to forgive them even if they never acknowledge their guilt. Forgiveness is not for them, it is for your own heart, it is to release their domination over your heart and mind.

It is important to recognize if you are are by nature a conflict enjoyer or conflict avoider. If you are a conflict enjoyer like my mom, what you need more of is compassion. If you are a conflict avoider like me, what you need more of is courage. All of us need more show more respect and have more self-control. This is not natural at all. I think it is supernatural. Which is why we need Jesus.

Jesus was a master at self-control. He never tried to control others, even though He certainly had a right to as the Son of God. Unlike us, He knew best what was right and wrong and could see people’s real motives. Despite this, He never controlled anyone even if it would have been for their own good. On the other hand, Jesus did not allow others to deter Him from His message or His Father’s plan. He told them all truth but allowed them to reject Him and walk away. He always told them truth even when it was unpopular, even when it was dangerous.

Back to what happened with me and my crucial conversation with my mom. Since my mom was in her 90s, my desire was to have her live closer to me and stop driving her car so she could be safe and I could better care for her. She did not want to leave her home in south Jersey. We had had this discussion already several times and it never resolved. But this time was different. This time I prayed for a week before I spoke to her. I asked all my friends to pray too. I thought about my attitude and how to present this to her in a way that honestly expressed what I wanted and how I felt. When we had the conversation, she got angry again but I did not take the bait. I stayed patient, respectful but honest. That is why prayer was needed because this type of behavior was beyond what was previously possible for me. Still that night, she didn’t agree with me, but I did not push her. By the morning, she had changed her mind and agreed to look at senior living places near my home. Within 4 months of our conversation she moved to a nearby independent living center. Less than a year later she was diagnosed with cancer. I was able to be with her daily at that time because of that crucial conversation.

Please hear me. I did not change my mother. I had always thought she was the problem and trust me, I tried and tried to change her for years without any success. Instead I changed me. Or more accurately, I allowed God to change me. I got the log out of my own eye with His help. And then I did the GO part. I initiated the hard conversation.

Of course, there is no guarantee how your crucial conversations will turn out for you. Ultimately it is not about winning the argument or getting your way. It is about as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. That is how we can find peace. And that is what I want for all of you. 

 

Effective Communication and Conflict Resolution Discussion Questions 

1. Is there a person in your life with whom you struggle to resolve conflict effectively? Do you think changing your methods of communication would improve your relationship? If yes, what would be your best “next step”? 

2. Are you a conflict enjoyer or a conflict avoider by nature? Do you feel your nature has had a positive or negative impact on your ability to resolve conflicts? Why? 

3. Do feel you have compassion, courage, respect, and self-control? Which one is a struggle for you? Why? 

4. Which one of these methods are you most likely to use? Why do you use them? 

• Exaggeration – such as using “always” or “never”, as in “You always are late” or “You never help around the house”. 
• Trait names – such as calling others a loser, a liar, or a jerk, or worse. 
• Disrespect – such as facial expressions, gestures, voice tones and body postures which communicate disrespect. This includes rolling our eyes, folding our arms, etc. 
• Sarcasm – expressing contempt or ridicule, such as snide remarks, little digs, and snarky comments. 
• Getting Historical – rehearsing the things the other person has done in the past that were wrong or hurtful. 
• Mind-reading – assuming the worst motives. 
• Stonewalling – refusing to cooperate or continue to communicate further on the topic or with the other person, shutting down the dialog altogether. 

5. Are you a good listener? Do you struggle with any of these listening skills? If yes, why do you think this skill is hard for you? 

• Being patient. 
• Not interrupting the other person. 
• Focusing on what they are saying and not your next point. 
• Asking additional questions, being curious. 
• Withholding judgment. 
• Being respectful in words, tone, facial expression and body posture. 
• Being compassionate, sympathetic, gentle and kind. 
• Not allowing the other person’s anger or other emotions to affect you. Not answering them in kind. 
• Believing the best, not the worst when it comes to their motives. 
• Trying to find areas of agreement or common values.

Please share your thoughts on this discussion in the comments section. 

Train of Death

I could see the light in the distance and hear it coming towards us. At first it seemed so far away. I thought I had enough time to get her off the tracks. But the chains were too strong and could not be broken. So intent was I in trying to get her free and calm her fears that I did not notice the speed of the train. I looked up again and it was closer. I could see it clearly speeding towards us now, feel the rumblings beneath the tracks, hear the whistle warning. Now we both were afraid. She began to plead for me to leave her be, stop struggling with the chains that could not be broken. The train was coming for her and we could not stop it and I could not move her. As it came closer I could see her surrendering to the motion of the tracks, the inevitability of the train that would crush her. I stayed until the final moment, holding her hand, telling her I loved her and then, at the last moment, as she would have wanted me to, I let go and stepped back as the train of death took her spirit away from me.

She was there in the bed when I came back after her struggle was over. When I touched her again she was warm at first but then as we waited, she turned cold. And still. And silent.

Mom surrounded by love

How could this woman, so vibrant, so warm, so garrulous and full of life be so still, so cold, so silent, so dead?

The Train of Death came for her. After I watched it so closely and struggled to loose the chains so passionately I realized how real it was. How it will come for all of us. Some day it will come for me.

We gave them the last dress for her to wear, picked out the flowers, wrote the pretty words describing her life. We greeted the friends and family, they spoke of her love, their love, her life. 

We gathered the photos in frames and in books. We boxed up the jewelry. I looked at each article of clothing, put some in bags, some special ones in my drawers.  Is this a life, an accumulation of things? Was it not in her love? Her passion for life and for all of us? Her wisdom, her examples of kindness, her courage to keep going even when it was hard? We can not gather those things up, as they are already inside us. We can give away her kindness. We can share with others her love. We can emulate her courage and continue without her to enjoy life. 

We can miss her with every photo we want to share with her that she will not be there to see; with every story we want to tell her but she will not be there to hear. She was a woman who loved people. She liked solitude at times but did not want to be alone. But on that track, she wanted to take no one with her. She knew that time she needed to be alone. Her last act of courage. 

As we watch the train of death crush another we love, we realize how fragile we are. How random life seems. Even when it is long, it never is long enough.

This is why Jesus came, to give us back our birthright to eternal life. He Himself is the gate, the way, the life. To open that gate, He subjected Himself to the train of death. Unlike my mother, Jesus could have broken the chains and walked away and escaped the train of death, but He did not. He allowed death to crush Him and in that take away our sins, the evil that entraps us so that we can be released to have eternal life with God.

But how can we know for sure? My mother was a control freak; she also trained me to be as well but she was the queen. She did not want anyone to run her life, which was why being sick and dependent at the end was so agonizing for her. Did she, like me, have doubts about God? How can we be sure God is good? That heaven is indeed a paradise we would love and not a trap by a harsh, demanding, controlling God? Do I even want to go there? Sadly my heart sometimes still ask these questions. Did she too?   

"I have glorified You on the earth" (John 17:4) Jesus told His disciples on His last night with them.  Jesus had spent His life showing us the glory of God: His goodness, His mercy, His power, His justice. He healed the sick. He released those oppressed by evil demons. He unburdened His people from oppressive religious practices that God never commanded. He freed them from shame, pride, bigotry, hate, lust, greed. He demonstrated compassion for the children, the women, the poor. He showed that individuals must be evaluated by their faith, even a Roman soldier, a pagan woman, a nationalist zealot and a tax collector. 

Jesus opened the gate for them all to enter and He showed us a glimpse of the beauty and glory of His Kingdom. As if what He said to us was: Don't you trust Me? Well, it is hard to blame you! This world is a hot mess and the people in it  demonstrate that they can't be trusted. Here, see for yourself how I lived My life. See the Good and Eternal Glorious Life that I long to give you, that I was so passionate to share with you that I allowed the train of death to crush Me for all your mistakes, your regrets, your shame. 

Taste and see that the Lord is good... (Psalm 34:8)  

At the end, mom could not swallow anything. I used a toothbrush to wet her mouth on that last day. Eventually, even that was impossible. Right before I left her that night, her eyes locked open. I talked to her, tried to make her see me but I know she could not see. The train of death was too close to her. Her time to see, her time to taste on this earth was over.   

But you, dear reader, still can taste and see. Look to the Lord. Reach out to Jesus. See that He is good. He loves you. He is waiting for you to trust Him.

...blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him. (Psalm 34:8)

What even I could not see with my eyes that night was Jesus. Her body was left with me, cold and still but in truth Jesus took her spirit to paradise. I believe there I will someday see her again, beautiful and full of life. 

Jesus said to her, “I am the Resurrection and the Life. The one who believes in Me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in Me will never die. Do you believe this?” (John 11:25-26)

For Good

On a rainy Saturday evening in August 2021, my mom decided she wanted to go out to to dinner. It was already getting dark, the rain was heavy, the wind was starting to howl. Plus my mother and her companion Frank were in their 90s. It was a bad combination. There was a car crash. Mom ended up in the hospital with a broken sternum and Frank was badly bruised and shaken. When we went to see the car, I was amazed no one was killed. 

Mom and Frank miraculously recovered but their car did not. Without a vehicle and an hour and a half away from all their family life became more difficult. After much discussion, mom and Frank were finally agreeable to moving closer to us in a senior independent living facility. They were able to sell mom's house quickly to one of her nieces whom she loved, and they moved in April of 2022. Mom was so happy to sell her home, which she lovingly decorated and renovated for almost 30 years, to family. And she adored her new senior living apartment. She enjoyed going to the dining room every night for dinner, making new friends, and walking the beautifully landscaped grounds. I was thrilled that she was now only 30 minutes away and I since I retired in July, I was able to visit her once a week. There was also an emergency medical team on site: just pull a cord and they come. Mom used that several times. 

On a chilly Wednesday afternoon in October 2022, I visited my mom and as soon as I walked in the door she announced she needed to see the doctor because the pain in her stomach had gotten worse. As I looked more closely at her, she looked yellow. After we pulled the emergency cord in the apartment again, the medic recommended she go to the emergency room. Scans found a mass on her pancreas. It was cancer. 

We postponed treatment until after Thanksgiving and her 94th birthday celebration. We had hoped she could tolerate chemo but after two sessions it became clear she could not. Her body began to "fade away" as she called it, beginning right before Christmas. Since she was now living close to us, we were able to quickly engage in-home care for her and visit her often to enjoy her as much as we could during her last days and monitor her care closely. We were able to support her and Frank and all say our goodbyes before she left us on January 16, 2023.

Who would have thought that a car crash would be what God used for our good? But that is what happened. A year and a half before the cancer took her, God used a car crash to move mom and Frank closer to us. God used a difficult board member at work to cause our office to install a new payment system that caused me such stress with the implementation that I decided it was time to consider retirement. God used my brother's disabled elderly uncle to help him know how to get home care quickly. God used a global pandemic to get my niece to move to closer to us. God used hard things to get us all exactly to the right places so that we would be prepared and close when my mother passed, so we could give her a good end to her life.  Losing her was so hard but it was a great blessing to be able to be close to offer her the best care and to support each other. 

Romans 8:28 is a favorite Bible verse. I would often repeat it to myself for comfort when things went sideways. But sideways is always from my own perspective. God knows exactly what He is doing. He uses evil for good. He uses suffering for good. He used a car crash, a difficult board member, a sick uncle, a global pandemic, all for our good.

Let's just trust Him with the rest, shall we?

 

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28).

The Christmas Story for Moms

Presentation to Montclair Mother of Preschoolers (MOPS) on December 14, 2022

Good morning moms! It is 10 more shopping days until Christmas! Are you ready? If you have been shopping you know the stores are certainly ready, right? They have been ready since Halloween, with decorations and advertisements everywhere. There is also no end of entertainment available: Christmas story books, TV specials and movies. I looked up favorite Christmas movies on Google and of course it has a list of the 65 top movies, a very eclectic selection: from It’s a Wonderful Life, Frosty the Snowman and The Polar Express, to Die Hard, Home Alone and Love Actually. The Hallmark Channel and Netflix has an endless supply of Christmas themed love stories offered this time of year.

My personal favorite Christmas movie wasn’t on Google’s list. It is called The Nativity Story. Have you heard of it? Maybe it did not make Google’s list because it is just the original Christmas story. Many have tried to create a more modern and exciting story, but for me, nothing surpasses the miraculous impact of the original.

Maybe it’s considered boring because it is essentially a story about a mom and her birth story. But for us moms, what could be more interesting? That is the first question I ask when I see a new mom. I always ask how the birth went. I want to know all the details of the delivery and usually the mom is ready to tell me the whole thing from start to finish. It’s cathartic for the mom and fascinating for me.

Christina's Birth/Christmas Stocking

As I told you all last month, my first child was born on Christmas Eve. It’s 35 years ago but I can still clearly remember circumstances of her birth. I remember having my brother-in-law come and pick up our dog because I had been having contractions for what seemed like days. I remember the ride to the hospital in the middle of the night with the muffler dragging making the most horrific noise. I remember the doctor examining me the next morning telling me since my contractions had stopped to go home, only to return a few hours later after my water broke. I remember how the walls of the room looked as I labored and how the nurse told me I would forget all about the pain. The woman laboring in the next room had been howling in pain and my husband comforted me saying, “The doctor said all labors are different, honey! Yours won’t be that bad.” I remember my baby Christina screaming as she poked her head out of me and the nurses commenting that she had a good set of lungs. On Christmas morning in the hospital they brought her to me in a baby-sized red stocking and a little red cap. She was perfect. I was so happy.

You remember too, don’t you? Sometimes the tiny details of that one special time stand out so bold in our memory, don’t they? Some women, I am told even remember the night their baby was conceived. I don’t but some do.

2000 years ago, Mary of Nazareth was probably around my age when a man named Luke visited her and asked her what she remembered about her son Jesus. Luke was documenting the life of Jesus and he started his scroll with this:

Many have undertaken to draw up an account of the things that have been fulfilled among us, just as they were handed down to us by those who from the first were eyewitnesses ... With this in mind, since I myself have carefully investigated everything from the beginning, I too decided to write an orderly account… (Luke 1:1-3)

Luke tells us there were already other documents written about Jesus at that time, specifically the scrolls that would become the gospels of Mark and Matthew, but Luke was looking for more information from eye witnesses. Luke, who was a medical doctor by profession, understood the importance of obtaining eye witness testimony from Jesus’ mother.

But we know how mothers feel, don’t we? So we are not at all surprised when Mary was asked, she remembered many details about the birth of her son Jesus, even His conception. Luke’s gospel reads:

… God sent the angel Gabriel to Nazareth, a town in Galilee, to a virgin pledged to be married to a man named Joseph, a descendant of David. The virgin’s name was Mary. The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.” Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. (Luke 1:26-29)

In those days, it was not 20-30 year olds getting married as is the case today. Mary was engaged at the time and so she was probably around age 15. Can you imagine how you would feel, at age 15, if you were sitting in your home, maybe folding laundry or washing dishes and suddenly there was an angel in front of you talking to you? No wonder she was troubled and confused!

But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a Son, and you are to call Him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David, and He will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; His kingdom will never end.”

“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?” (Luke 1:30-34)

Mary still had questions, of course! I love that Luke records her questions and that the angel Gabriel was quick to explain.

The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy One to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. For no word from God will ever fail.”

“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her. (Luke 1:35-38)

Can’t you picture Mary telling this story to Luke with him writing down notes as she spoke? So many years had past and yet she was able to remember it so clearly because of the impression such a miracle had on her life.

There are those who do not believe in the virgin birth of Jesus. Of course it is hard to blame them, it is such an impossible thing. Even angel Gabriel acknowledges this. But the Jewish scriptures and the recollections recorded in the gospel of Matthew corroborate this. 700 years earlier, the Jewish prophet Isaiah recorded this revelation:

Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel [meaning God with us]. (Isaiah 7:14)

The gospel of Matthew records Joseph’s side of the story:

This is how the birth of Jesus the Messiah came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.

But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a Son, and you are to give Him the name Jesus, because He will save His people from their sins.” (Matthew 1:19-21)

In those days, an unmarried woman found to be pregnant could be stoned to death under Jewish law. Mary’s agreeing to God’s plan meant she could be disgraced, at best and stoned at worst. Mary was not only obedient but also courageous. Notice Joseph’s reluctance to move forward with his marriage to Mary because he knew the baby was not his and so he assumed she was unfaithful to him until God sent an angel to him as well. This was complicated enough but God was not done. The Baby had to be born in Bethlehem. Also 700 years earlier, the Jewish prophet Micah prophesied where their Messiah would be born:

“But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, though you are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for Me one who will be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times.” (Micah 5:2)

God used the Roman Caesar to accomplish this. Luke continues:

In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to their own town to register.

So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. (Luke 2:1-6)

The trip from Nazareth to Bethlehem is about 90 miles, less then 2 hours by car but over a week by foot. This is about the same distance as from Montclair to Philadelphia. Can you picture this? Imagine yourself in Mary’s place, you are at the end of your first pregnancy and you are leaving everything and everyone you know: your home, your mother, older sisters, your aunts and traveling with a man you have not had sex with yet for 90 miles carrying everything you own on a donkey. And then when you arrive in town, things get worse. There is no place to stay so the only shelter Joseph can find is a barn.

While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a Son. She wrapped Him in cloths and placed Him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them. (Luke 2:7)

Again imagine you are Mary. You are surrounded by cows, chickens, ox, dung and hay, and there you give birth. Your only aide comes from a man who had never witnessed a birth of a baby and also never seen you undressed. How are we doing? How’s her birth story compared to yours so far? Why isn’t this enough drama for a good movie? But the miracles don’t stop coming. Luke continues.

And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a Baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

“Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on whom His favor rests.”

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the Baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen Him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this Child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. (Luke 2:8-19)

Aren’t you amazed at how God planned for His Son to come to earth? It could have been in any way He wanted, as a powerful prince on white horse, or with all the angels in glory coming down directly from the sky. God could have sent His Son as someone rich, powerful, comfortable and famous with Youtube and Twitter enabling Him to send His message to everyone in the world at once.

But instead God’s perfect plan was for His Son to enter the world as we all do, naked from our mother’s womb, helpless and dependent. He also entered poor and homeless to a teen girl far from home, family, let alone good medical care.

The question this morning for us moms is, why is this original Christmas story important? What can God be saying to us in that He preserved this story so that we can hear it over 2000 years later across the world in New Jersey?

I think God is trying to tell us that moms are important. That God values our contribution even though it often seems small and insignificant. That God sees us and will come to our aid when things get difficult.

And it all began with Mary saying YES to the angel Gabriel. She could have replied anything to the angel, but she said: “I am the Lord’s servant.” That was all she had to do. God took care of everything else. God provided the miraculous conception through the Holy Spirit. God sent an angel to Joseph convincing him not to divorce and disgrace Mary but to move forward with the marriage. God used the Roman Ceasar’s decree to get Mary and Joseph to Bethlehem, the prophesied location for the birth of the Messiah. God even provided a shelter and safety for the baby to be born. It was a hard place to be sure, but it worked out.

That is what God wants from us this Christmas, to say YES to Him and then trust Him for the rest.

Even though Mary did not understand the full implications of what was happening to her, she did understand God’s love and mercy. While she was pregnant, she visited her cousin Elizabeth and doctor Luke records this song she sang:

“Oh, how my soul praises the Lord.
How my spirit rejoices in God my Savior!

For He took notice of His lowly servant girl,
and from now on all generations will call me blessed.

For the Mighty One is holy,
and He has done great things for me.

He shows mercy from generation to generation
to all who fear Him.” (Luke 1:46-50)

That is the story of Christmas, God’s mercy and great love even to this generation of moms today in New Jersey. So Merry Christmas.

On Death and Dying

My mother has cancer. Pancreatic cancer. There, I said it. People don’t recover from pancreatic cancer. They die.

I’ve been thinking about death more than usual.

My grandmother died at age 60 from complication of diabetes. My grandfather died at 73 of lung cancer. He worked 6 days a week until he noticed a lump on his shoulder. Then he died a month later. My other grandfather died in his 40s, my father was only 4 years old at the time. My other grandmother died in her 70s. I remember only my one grandfather well who lived with us for most of my childhood. I have only vague remembrances of one grandmother. My dad died at 75 from complications from Alzheimer’s disease

When I turned 60 I started to think about death. I started counting how much longer I could have. Maybe 30 years like my mother? Maybe 15 like my father?   One thing was for certain. I was going to die. It was not IF. It was WHEN. And HOW. It was like an awakening to something that was always there but I ignored. Like the pile of papers in the corner of the dining room that you just keep walking by, in the beginning because you don’t want to deal with then, then eventually you stop noticing. Then company comes and you start cleaning up and you realize what you forgot.

What do we do with this? Death is coming. It is as certain as the setting of the sun but we pretend not to notice it until we get the test results. And they say cancer.

The doctor said mom is strong enough for chemo but there is no cure. But what is a cure for a 94 year old woman? Two more years, five more years, ten years? The life expectancy of women in the USA is 81 so she is in bonus territory at this point.

The real question is, with this is our minds, how then should we live?

Obviously we should enjoy every good day she has. We should celebrate and be glad because she is still here for us. We should be present for each moment as if it is our last because we do not know. It reminds me of what Jesus said in the gospel of Matthew 9:15, And Jesus said to them, “Can the friends of the bridegroom mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them? But the days will come when the bridegroom will be taken away from them, and then they will fast.”

We mistakenly live like life has no end. But that is not true. Life is fragile and it is not only about us. It is about those we live with and will leave behind, the legacy we will leave them. Will we leave them a pile of collectibles and old VHS tapes? Or will we leave them with a legacy of wisdom and love, examples of service and selflessness?

On the other side of life, through the door of death, remains a mystery to us. There are stories of those who came near death and returned, but they are open to interpretation. Who can know for sure while still on this side? But we all bet on something by how we live our lives.

I am betting on Jesus. I have committed all I am to Him.  I expect to see Him and be with Him in Paradise on the other side of death. Then death is no longer something to fear, but something we can release ourselves to at the time He calls us to Him, trusting He will lift us up and take us to Himself. Meanwhile I am spending all my days knowing Him and serving Him by loving others. 

Mom with her grandkids

I do not remember my grandmothers. My daughters have had the joy of knowing both their grandmothers into their adulthood. The catch is they have lost one and will eventually lose the other as well. That is the cost of love – we will have loss. I think the loss is worth it for the great delight of years of love.

We will enjoy my mom, we will celebrate her. We will stand by her, comfort her, pray for her and help her have as good an end as possible. We will see her leave us, we will cry and then as she would want us to, we will go on, grateful for her life and her love.

And then someday, we will see her on the other side.

What I learned from managing community life

July 1, 2022 I retired from Arthur Edwards Inc, a community management firm caring for properties in New Jersey and New York. I worked there for over 13 years caring for condo high rises and town homes, upscale and lower income areas, over 55 and young families. It was fast moving and complicated. What I found the most fascinating was the interpersonal relationship dynamics. I learned more about people while I managed their associations than I did in the few counseling courses I took several years ago. Because I need to remember, and because these things often apply to any community/family/church/groups, here they are below:

I learned I never want to live in a condo community because I met too many hostile, legalistic neighbors and condo board members. In these type of communities, other people would decide how I should spend my money and repair my home -- or not! If there are owners in the condo who fall into hard times and default financially, all homeowners have to pay more to make up for their bad luck or foolishness. 

However, I have also seen beautiful communities where the neighbors truly care for one another and help one another. For every arrogant mean board member I have met, there are ten sweet selfless ones who despite it being a thankless volunteer job, tirelessly work for the good of their community. Caring for these communities were the best part of my job and what made it the most difficult to leave! 

Rules are vital to a good community and the rules must be enforced. No rules, or unenforced rules cause the community to devolve into chaos resulting in pain for everyone. While boundaries are vital, they need to be enforced with kindness, consideration, respect, empathy and compassion.

When people are contacted about breaking a rule, it is amazing to see how differently people respond. Some people will be horrified they did something wrong and afraid their perfect record will be soiled. They will apologize profusely and make it right immediately. On the other extreme some will be extremely agitated that they were contacted at all and immediately blame you, the board, or their neighbors. They will tell you of a totally unrelated problem you must address immediately! There are rule followers and rule breakers. No matter what our approach is, people's reactions are up to them.  

As with everything, when there is an issue, we need to hear BOTH sides and not jump to conclusions. Often people on both sides of the issue will have completely different stories and it is difficult to find where the truth lies. 

Most people who are being angry today are in a tough spot. Today's issue may have reminded them of an old hurt and opened an old wound. Or they may have other life concerns already putting them on edge. Although it is difficult, it is best not to respond in kind. Listening carefully and respectfully may guide them to process the issue and soften their hearts. Even if we can't change their minds while speaking to them, they may think about it and change their mind later. Trust the Holy Spirit and time to work on their hearts. 

Some people are just evil. There is no reasoning with them. There is no use to even try. But people do not wear signs and it is difficult to tell an evil person from a simply angry person at first. It is hard to tell a liar from someone who is just sharing their unique perspective. But time will always tell.   

Once there is a homeowner who repents of breaking a rule, the board needs to move forward with forgiveness and grace. Continued bitterness can ruin communities.

When there is a dispute, it is better to avoid getting attorneys involved. Once the lawyers take over the only one who really wins is the attorney. 

When we give our gift of wise experience and advice, some people will not accept it. It is best not to take it personally and remember it is not our roof that is leaking or our over-grown garden, or bumpy driveway. It is not our money either. We don't live in their homes, live their lives or even know their whole story. We will not reap the consequences, they will. So let it go. 

No one can tell when the next unexpected expensive problem will occur, but we can be sure it will come. Therefore it is important to save for the future. 

Finally no matter what work you do, I can't over-state the importance of working for someone who values your contribution. Or the devastation of being unappreciated and unseen. At Arthur Edwards Inc., my boss did appreciate me and listen to all my ideas, even if they were not always the best. To be personally valued is the best compensation! Without it, no amount of money will do. So THANK YOU to my boss Ed Frank. May all the value and kindness you give to others, employees and clients, return to you 100 fold.

Spring has come

The storm is over now

This girl, age 16, wrote this poem -- it's me!

 

The sun is breaking through

A whole new life is starting

For me and for you.

The birds are singing now

So wipe away your tears

For Spring has come again 

In spite of all your fears.

When winter came we wondered 

As mortals often do

If we could weather the storm

And see the bad times through

What a waste of time to worry!

How silly could we be?

If we had just faith and patience

The rest would have been easy!

So worry no more, friend of mine

And leave your burden here

Come relax with me and we'll enjoy 

The best time of the year! 

💮 💮 💮

I found this poem when cleaning out my mom's house. Now I know the true fulfillment is found only in Christ in the coming of His Kingdom.

What Does the New Testament Say About Slavery?

What does the New Testament say about slavery? Doesn’t the Bible forbid slavery like it forbids murder and adultery? Certainly slavery, owning another human being made in God’s image, is worse than bearing false witness against my neighbor, right? Then why did it not make the Bible's Top Ten list? 

Matter of fact, Paul writes to the believers in Corinth and tells them this: 

Each of you should continue to live in whatever situation the Lord has placed you, and remain as you were when God first called you. This is my rule for all the churches… Yes each of you should remain as you were when God called you. Are you a slave? Don’t let that worry you—but if you get a chance to be free, take it. And remember, if you were a slave when the Lord called you, you are now free in the Lord. (1Corinthians 7:17, 20-22a) 

Wait, what? Is that what Paul thinks of slavery? 

Paul’s view of life is totally absorbed by the spiritual reality of Jesus and heavenly things. If you read the whole chapter, you can see Paul is directing this conversation to the circumcised and the uncircumcised, to the married and single, as well as to slaves. Paul’s focus is on heaven and God’s Kingdom coming soon. He wants us to be instruments of the Kingdom. See more on Paul’s thoughts here: 

But let me say this, dear brothers and sisters: The time that remains is very short... Those who weep or who rejoice or who buy things should not be absorbed by their weeping or their joy or their possessions. Those who use the things of the world should not become attached to them. For this world as we know it will soon pass away. I want you to be free from the concerns of this life... I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible. (1 Corinthians 7:29-32, 35) 

Paul’s focus is not on changing life’s situations because this life is short and it is not the end. Paul instead urges the believers to change their hearts. There are masters and slaves in the world Paul lives in and he is not focused on changing Roman society. Instead he tells the followers of Jesus to rethink their attitudes, no matter what their place in society: 

Slaves, obey your earthly masters with deep respect and fear. Serve them sincerely as you would serve Christ. Try to please them all the time, not just when they are watching you. As slaves of Christ, do the will of God with all your heart. Work with enthusiasm, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will reward each one of us for the good we do, whether we are slaves or free. Masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Don’t threaten them; remember, you both have the same Master in heaven, and He has no favorites. (Ephesians 6:5-9) 

Remember, it was the Jewish people who believed the Messiah would be a political figure, a military leader who would overthrow Rome and become king. Jesus repeated told them that they misunderstood His plan. Jesus came to change hearts. He did not come to force anyone to follow Him with mighty power, but to love us to voluntarily come into His Kingdom. 

Paul’s letter to Philemon also reflects his desire to change hearts. Philemon had a slave named Onesimus who ran away, likely causing inconvenience and financial loss. But Onesimus met up with Paul while he was imprisoned. There Onesimus helped Paul and became a believer. Paul, wanting to do the right thing, and trusting Philemon’s faith and friendship, sent Onesimus back to him with a deeply personal letter: 

That is why I am boldly asking a favor of you. I could demand it in the name of Christ because it is the right thing for you to do. But because of our love, I prefer simply to ask you. Consider this as a request from me—Paul, an old man and now also a prisoner for the sake of Christ Jesus. I appeal to you to show kindness to my child, Onesimus. I became his father in the faith while here in prison… I am sending him back to you, and with him comes my own heart. I wanted to keep him here with me while I am in these chains for preaching the Good News, and he would have helped me on your behalf. 

But I didn’t want to do anything without your consent. I wanted you to help because you were willing, not because you were forced. It seems you lost Onesimus for a little while so that you could have him back forever. He is no longer like a slave to you. He is more than a slave, for he is a beloved brother, especially to me. Now he will mean much more to you, both as a man and as a brother in the Lord. So if you consider me your partner, welcome him as you would welcome me. If he has wronged you in any way or owes you anything, charge it to me… I am confident as I write this letter that you will do what I ask and even more! (Philemon 1:8-21) 

Paul could have insisted Philemon free Onesimus, but he did not. He wanted their relationship change to be of Philemon’s free will. Jesus wants us too, of our own free will, to treat others with kindness and respect in every relationship, in every situation. Jesus wants to make slavery and bigotry unthinkable, not merely illegal. And He doesn’t want it to stop there. 

We think of social justice as changing society, changing laws. But Jesus does not want us not to point fingers at other people or at government. Jesus wants us to consider our own hearts. Do we judge others because of how they dress or where they live, or what news channels they watch or what they post on social media? Are we critical of others and analyze whether they measure up to our standards? Are we judging each other and neglecting to consider our own faults, our own self-centered, self-righteous attitudes? 

Do we rant about equity for all when we personally are reluctant to give kindness and mercy to all? 

Do we try to take out the speck in other people’s eye and ignore the plank in our own? 

Jesus came not to free His chosen race, the Jews, from slavery to Rome or any earthly system. He came to free ALL of us from the power of sin and death. Jesus knew once we believed in Him, slavery would eventually become unthinkable. But freedom comes one by one by one. 

Meanwhile, while we wait for the fullness of His Kingdom, Jesus asks us to do one thing: to show kindness and mercy to His children, ALL of them, one by one by one. We can be a "Paul" and advocate for an "Onesimus" we know. We can be an "Onesimus" and serve and trust a "Paul" we know. Or we can just show kindness to that co-worker in the desk next to us who is so annoying out of our love for Christ. Each of us can pick our one.

And if you were free when the Lord called you, you are now a slave of Christ. (1 Corinthians 7:22b)

 

Beloved Jesus, I am the one who is inclined to judge others. It is easy to talk about racism as a problem someone else has, or society has, or the government has. It is harder to look inside at myself and ask: Where am I bigoted? When do I make assumptions about people? When am I turned off because of someone's accent, or clothing, or Facebook post? Please help me to be aware when I think those thoughts and heal my heart!

Thank You for those You filled with special Spiritual gifts and passions to lead our nation away from slavery and bigotry; people like Martin and Harriet and Fredrick and Abraham. Even though You have not picked me for such an honor, I can still honor You every day by bringing kindness and respect to all I meet. Help me to do that in Your Name. Amen. 

Skunks and Turtles

When it comes to conflict resolution people can be describes as skunks or turtles.

Skunks are conflict enjoyers. They face conflict head-on and want to resolve it immediately but tend to be verbal, pushy, aggressively describing their reasons and logic or passions to the other person. In short, they stink up the place, like a skunk.

Skunks mean well. In their head they hear the words of Jesus, “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift." (Matthew 5:23-24). Resolving conflict is important. Right?

Turtles are conflict avoiders. They dislike conflict so they keep it to themselves, deny there is a problem, or minimize it, rationalize it or try to forget it. They change the subject, leave the room, hang up the phone, or turn the TV up louder. In short, they retreat into their shell and hide, like a turtle.

Turtles mean well. In their head they hear the words of Jesus, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire." (Matthew 5:21-22) Being meek, kind, patient is important. Right?

Funny these two quotes of Jesus are right next to each other in the Sermon on the Mount. They are meant to be considered together. And mostly because God has a great sense of humor, it often seems like He has designed us to be attracted to the opposite type. Skunks tend to be attracted to turtles, and turtles to skunks. 

Skunks are wrong because in their passion to be heard, they can be experienced as not loving. They can criticize and accuse the other person, assigning motives without first trying to understand. This behavior can drive people away from them and the conflict, sadly because what the skunk really desired was intimacy.

Turtles are wrong because they can allow the hurt to fester and make them bitter towards the other person. In their effort to bring peace they stuff the pain inside but end up leaking instead, acting manipulative, passive-aggressive, with thinly veiled snarky remarks. This behavior can drive people away from turtles when what they really desired was intimacy.

 

What to do? How about we read the rest of Jesus' sermon? Matter of fact, let's start at the beginning.

 

“Blessed [spiritually prosperous, happy, to be admired] are the poor in spirit [those devoid of spiritual arrogance, those who regard themselves as insignificant, the humble], for theirs is the kingdom of heaven [both now and forever].

“Blessed [forgiven, refreshed by God’s grace] are those who mourn [over their sins and repent], for they will be comforted [when the burden of sin is lifted].

“Blessed [inwardly peaceful, spiritually secure, worthy of respect] are the meek, gentle [the patient, kind-hearted, the sweet-spirited, the self-controlled], for they will inherit the earth.

“Blessed [joyful, nourished by God’s goodness] are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness [those who actively seek right standing with God, trying to do the right thing according to His will], for they will be [completely] satisfied.

“Blessed [content, sheltered by God’s promises] are the merciful, for they will receive mercy.

“Blessed [anticipating God’s presence, spiritually mature] are the pure in heart [those with integrity, moral courage, and godly character, attitudes and motives], for they will see God.

“Blessed [spiritually calm with life-joy in God’s favor] are the makers and maintainers of peace who show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight, for they will [express His character and] be called the sons and daughters of God.

“Blessed [comforted by inner peace and God’s love] are those who are persecuted for doing that which is morally right, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven [both now and forever].

“Blessed [morally courageous and spiritually alive with life-joy in God’s goodness] are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil things against you because of [your association with] Me. Be glad and exceedingly joyful, for your reward in heaven is great [absolutely inexhaustible]; for in this same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Matthew 5:3-12 AMP revised)

 

As we bravely pursue righteousness by entering into peacemaking conversations, these are the highlights of what we need to pray for and strive for:

• Being humble and devoid of spiritual or intellectual arrogance.
• Being willing to look at our our failings and mourn over the harm and hurt that causes others.
• Being patient, gentle, kindhearted and self-controlled as we listen to and interact with others.
• Trying to do the right things, as much as we understand God's will.
• Showing mercy and forgiveness to others when they fail.
• Consider our motives and attitudes to make sure they are rooted in a godly character.
• Striving to cooperate and not compete or fight.

We also need to have courage. Courage to try to work things out and engage when there is the possibility that we may be hurt, insulted, slandered, or rejected. Jesus tells us here to expect these things and rejoice. Our reward for peacemaking is not here on earth. Our reward is in heaven, kept safe for us by Him.

 

I get disappointed when I try and things don't "work out". But that is a bad goal. It is the wrong goal. Our goal is the Kingdom, not earthly perfection. We do the right thing, with the right attitude and trust the Spirit to work out the rest. 

Beloved, You know where I land with this. I remember demonstrating the worst parts of both the skunk and the turtle. Please forgive me! On my own, I am hopelessly lost in my sinful pattern but my hope is in Your power of Your Holy Spirit in me. This year, help me follow You in these things and help me to encourage others to do the same. You are our hope. Help us trust You more.