I am my Beloved's

It was 20 years ago today that I started this blog. I have wrote testimonies and personal struggles. I have wrote devotionals, Bible studies and even recipes. Today, to commemorate this work, I want to talk about the by-line from the Song of Songs that has on from the beginning.

My motivation to start the blog was Jesus. As I studied His word and prayed and sobbed through my life issues, I felt He was speaking to me. It felt like the relationship described in the Song of Songs in a beautiful and pure way. 

For all of my life I knew Jesus was Lord, the Son of God. I believed it, but never in a way that allowed it changed my heart and therefore my life. I wanted faith but was afraid of it. I was afraid of allowing anyone or anything to control me. I was hesitant to fully entrust myself to anyone. 

But Jesus was wooing me. He was was not in a rush. He was giving me all the time I needed. And I needed a long time!

Do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases. (Song 2:7b)

The change began after I got to know Him by reading His word. I was getting to see He was good. He was trustworthy. He loved me and only wanted the best for me.

Like an apple tree among the trees of the woods,
So is my Beloved among the sons.
I sat down in His shade with great delight,
And His fruit was sweet to my taste.
He brought me to the banqueting house,
And His banner over me was love. (Song 2:3-4)

And what did He want of me? I was not sure at first and then it became clear. He wanted all of me. 

My Beloved spoke, and said to me:
"Arise, My darling, My beautiful one, and come with Me."  (Song 2:6)

Jesus wanted to be my everything. Would I say yes?

I would like to say I did surrender to Him and never looked back, but let's be honest. Although I committed my life to Christ on June 24, 1988, my walk has been faulty. It has been a zigzag line of sin and repentance. Of vice and virtue. Of mountains and valleys and back again. 

But He never stopped talking to me. And I never stopped listening. 

The voice of my Beloved!
Behold, He comes
Leaping upon the mountains,
Skipping upon the hills. (Song 2:8)

This blog is our story, our best and most vital conversations. 20 years and 399 posts later, we are still together. He is speaking and I listen. I struggle and He encourages me. I fail and He redirects me. I trust Him and He demonstrates He is still trustworthy. I take the wrong path and He demonstrates again that He is able to work all together for the good.

It is not a perfect walk because none of us humans are perfect. God knows us, how we are frail and easily led astray and so He always provided sacrifice to return us to relationship with Him. Jesus was that perfect sacrifice. As we return to God in confession and repentance, with a contrite heart, He receives us. We are His children. He waits for us when we walk away, standing ready at the door to run and receive us. We are always welcome home.

That is why scripture uses the metaphor of marriage and children to describe our relationship with God. He are His children, His beloved bride. He is our home, our hiding place, our stronghold. He wants us to return to Him.

It is my confession and my identity. 

I am my Beloved’s,
And His desire is toward me. (Song 7:10)

I have found that:

Many waters cannot quench love,
Nor can the floods drown it. (Song 8:7a)

Not my love for Him, but His love for me has carried me. All these years to a greater depth of love for Him and trust in Him.

Yes, this year I need to understand fear of God, as I said. It is this beginning that has made me hold at arms length this attribute of God. As I study fear of God, I have more confidence now than ever that His love for me is strong and true. And it has nothing to do with my merit, Praise God. It has everything to do with His character, the goodness I have fallen in love with.  

Thank You, Beloved for giving me this place to write Your words to me and my heart back to you. It is You alone who sustains me. I am not worthy. I am grateful.