My Testimony: A Love Story

My testimony, by Barbara Ruglio, presented at the Mothers Of PreSchoolers (MOPS) Spring Tea

When I began to think of sharing a story with you, my first task was to decide which one, because a woman of my age has many stories. I decided to tell you my love story. It is a story about a girl, some toads, her prince, and about how the story never ends there.

A lost girl

My favorite stories start when the heroine becomes of age, so I’ll start there too. I grew up in Belleville, not far from here, and attended Belleville High School and after that Montclair State College. Like all teens, I was searching for myself, and I found I had a talent for math, and for taking tests. Because of that, I graduated close to the top of my class in high school, Suma Cum Laude in college, with a BA degree in Math, a teaching certificate K-12, and a minor in computer science.

After student teaching, I decided that teaching was not for me. I wanted something much more glamorous, so I took a job at IBM as a computer programmer. In 1977, they were hiring like crazy. The office was filled with top-notch graduates, smart and ambitious, plus the current staff, men with gray at their temples, all in business suits, treating us new-hires, like equals. It was heady stuff. If you asked me what my goal in life was at that point, it was to be rich and famous, and as I looked around myself each day, I felt I had arrived. Relatively quickly, I moved up the ranks from team member to team leader, from project leader to manager.

My romantic life was not running as smoothly, however. I first fell in love in my sophomore year of high school with a junior I had met in an advanced math class. His name was Tony and he was an athlete, a gentleman and a scholar. Unlike some of the other boys in my classes, Tony had the good looks and charm that others had to wait to grow into. Eventually, my young heart was crushed by our breakup, his subsequent dating of other girls and his leaving town for college. Recently I talked to a mutual friend who told me that Tony had been married three times. God was indeed merciful to me.

I spent my college years exclusively involved with Stan, an ambitious young man who wanted to become a dentist like his father. Unfortunately, he also wanted a wife to stay home, cook, clean and iron his sheets, plus finance him thought dental school. He ridiculed my success, and was troubled by it because of his own academic insecurities. When I joined IBM, the light bulb went on, and I left him. But the damaged was done, and I spent the next two years not dating at all.

Enter the hero

A friend of mine was concerned that it had been two years since I had a date. Mostly she wanted to match me up with her cousin Al. Al and I had met previously 7 years ago, when we were both 17. At that time, we could not have been less interested in each other. But, 7 years later, I discovered that Al was one of those who had "grown into himself." We felt comfortable with each other immediately, and eventually fell in love and married in 1981.

My decision to marry Al was not something I did lightly. I had mistakenly attached myself to other men before and I was looking for a man of good character and someone who loved me for who I was. Al was all that. There were only two draw backs. One was, he worked nights, but I thought that would change as soon as he had the opportunity to work the day shift. The other was that he was unable to share with me on a deep emotional level. However, I thought that his other good qualities overshadowed that, and besides, isn’t that what girl friends are for?

Enter the real Hero

While my career and my marriage were settled by age 26, my spiritual journey was more complicated. It is difficult to pinpoint when Jesus and I started our relationship together. There are things I remember from childhood that when I recall them, I know now they were Jesus, trying to get my attention.

I grew up in a Catholic church, went to CCD, received my sacraments, and attended church. I had good experiences and bad experiences there, as most people do in any church environment. I was in awe of the nuns, in their black habits and large crosses on their chest and the wedding rings they wore. "We’re married to Jesus," they told us. Most of them seemed to have a spiritual depth and understanding that was beyond what other mere mortals had, but they were not able to explain it in a way I could understand. I remember desiring what they had, and yet, I did not. I wanted to live a "normal" life, with a husband and children, with a home and a car, like my mom and dad. They spoke of a "calling" and I wanted that, and was terrified of it, all at the same time.

When I turned 18, I left the church, but not God. We continued to have conversations, God and I, but I no longer thought it was necessary to follow the doctrine of the church I grew up in. However, being church-less left me spiritually ship-wrecked. Being connected with God, I found, is difficult to do on your own. By age 25, I was more open to getting re-connected to others. My friend Joan approached me and said she had been hosting a Bible-study in her apartment and invited me to come. Thus in 1980, I began to study the Bible in small groups.

In 1987, something extraordinary happened to me that affected all three of these aspects of my life: my career, my romance, and my spiritual journey. I became pregnant with my first child, Christina. Christina was due at Christmas time, and I had been attending a Catholic church in Montclair. As the season of Christmas drew near, and I grew swollen too, I felt a distinct affinity with Mary, the mother of Christ, in a way I never had before. The wonder of the new life, the fear of how I would care for her, the concern of how this child would affect my career and my marriage, was something I pondered as Mary did in scripture. Christina was born on Christmas Eve in 1987, and with that, I entered the mysterious world of motherhood, never to return to the other side.

I had taken a one year leave of absence from work, and at first, fully intended to return. Before Christina was born, I was still a woman who did not understand the great love a mother has for her child. After Christina was born, however, I remember looking at one particular day care center and leaving hugging my tiny baby to my chest and saying to her, "Never will I leave you in that place!" Of course, I didn’t give it much of a chance because, honestly, my heart’s desire was not to return to work. By summer, God had sealed the bargain for me. I got the news that my IBM department was moving to Connecticut (the joke was that IBM really stands for “I’ve Been Moved”). They were also downsizing, the first time ever for IBM. The package that year was the best of all the ones that followed, too good for a woman with a new baby to refuse: one year’s salary and two years of continued benefits.

In spite of that excellent package, leaving IBM was a great act of faith. In essence, we cut our income in half. I gave up my dream of being rich and famous, the business suits, expensive lunches, and business travel. I gave it up for poopy diapers, oatmeal faces, and being able to stroll my baby in the afternoons. Truthfully, many times I have looked back, but never with enough regret to make me want to return to where I was. Even now, knowing what I know and giving up what I did, I can tell you, it was worth it. Not for what it did for my daughters, that story is yet to be told. It was worth it for what it did for me.

What exactly He was proposing, and saying yes

All this time, I continued to attend Bible studies, but I was careful never to become "fanatical" about it, you know the way some people were, who just kind of lost their minds and their whole life began to revolve around religion. I thought that was silly and a dangerous thing, something that I, my family and friends ridiculed and avoided. Although I had continued to meet with friends and study the Bible, and I knew a lot more facts about God, I never became fanatical about it.

But that summer when Christina was a baby, I went to a Christian seminar with a friend from my current Bible study. The speaker read two Bible verses that I had never read before. It was Revelation 3:15-16 and it said, "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth." The speaker explained that this meant that Jesus does not want us to be half-hearted about Him, He wants us to be a fanatic. Suddenly I understood. It was not enough to believe the standard information about Jesus: that He was the Son of God; that He died and rose again, and lives forever in heaven. That belief had to be deep enough to make a difference in my life. Jesus wanted me to commit to Him totally.

Here is the page!

The speaker said, "If you are unsure if you did make that commitment to Jesus, make today the day that you are sure." So that day, June 24, 1988, I drew a sign in my seminar notebook, and put the date inside. I prayed the prayer and committed my life to Jesus Christ. Later I realized that that day was Christina’s 6-month birthday. I would never forget that date and the commitment I made on that folding chair, praying with the man on the video tape. That day changed my whole life, just as getting married and having children did. It colored my world, and suddenly everything took on new meaning.

One of the things that had held me back from making that commitment to Jesus was I knew I would be entering into another mysterious world, and I would have to leave my husband, and my family and my friends back on the other side. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. But I finally realized that I had to make that commitment, even if it meant separating myself from those other people I so deeply loved.

Trying to explain

At first, I tried to tell them about Jesus, and my deeper faith. They did not understand. Some family members ridiculed me. Others just nodded. Al treated my desire for spiritual things as just another hobby, a better one than some of the other habits I had, especially staying out late with friends drinking at bars.

It is not that Al and my family were not Christian in their beliefs. They were. They believed, as I had, all the essential information: the Trinity of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, the virgin birth of Jesus, that He suffered, died and was buried, and rose again on the third day. It is just that this knowledge was not making any difference in their lives. They were not on a walk of faith. They did not have the intimate relationship with Jesus as I did.

I tried and tried to explain it. The response I continued to get was, "oh yeah? That’s nice for you. What else is on TV?" Finally frustrated, I gave up and just was quiet about what I did and what I believed. I felt like the nuns. I had moved into their world, and could no better explain what was different, or what had happened to me than they could.

When I started attending Montclair Community Church, my new friends here encouraged me to explain my faith again, especially to Al. They prayed for him, tried to get him to attend church social events, Bible studies and services. With each spiritual activity, I prayed fervently, "Please, Father, let this be the time!" But the Holy Spirit had His own timing, and it was not mine.

The Bible was clear on what I was to do. If Al was not interested in leaving me, which he wasn’t, I was to stay with him. My presence, even as the only one committed in this way to Jesus, sanctified my home, which is a fancy religious word, so let me explain. Because I was committed to Jesus, my family was set apart, like we put the fancy china in a different cabinet and use it only for holidays. We were like fine china to God, and He was able to work in our family, even though I was the only one committed in this way. I continued to pursue my faith, teach my daughters, bringing them to church without Al. I thank God that He led me to a church with people who never made me feel uncomfortable to attend without my husband, and always were exceptionally warm to him when they saw him.

Being myself, sharing myself

Eventually I stopped inviting Al to do "church things" with us. Instead, I devoted myself to my daughters and my work and ministry at church. I had joined the church staff as a part-time administrative assistant, led a Bible study and was involved in other activities. As I continued my faith journey, it seemed like I was leaving Al further and further behind, that we were becoming more and more disconnected. I think this is a problem for many parents as their children and work demand more and more of their time and energy.

Finally, I realized I needed to reconnect with Al, even though at first, I didn’t know how. He was still working nights and was still unable to share himself emotionally with me. But I realized that if I shared my faith walk with him, and my emotional struggles, even if he could not enter into the conversation himself as I would have liked, it was better than not trying at all. So I did this. I am not saying this is a magic formula to produce the results that happened for me. I am just telling it as part of my story.

I believe the real magic was in prayer: my prayers, the prayers of my daughters and dear friends. My friends continued to pray when I struggled and wanted to give up. I had always prayed for my husband’s safety, especially since he worked driving a truck at night. Eventually I began to pray the scary prayer: “Father God, do whatever you need to do to get Al’s attention!”

And God, in His faithfulness and mercy, got Al’s attention while still keeping him safe. One night, on his way back to the plant in his truck, he was hit broadside by a Mack truck, almost sliding into nearby gas lines. Although the impact alone could have killed him, he left the truck that night with a cut on one finger. Later Al told me what he was afraid to tell anyone else for fear they would think he was crazy: he felt an angel protected him that night. Al also told me that was a turning point in his faith.

Going deeper still

It was a year and a half later before I understood what really happened to Al that night. Meanwhile, although I had committed my life to Jesus, He continued to pursue me as a lover would, encouraging me to grow into a deeper and deeper relationship with Him. I began to better understand the nature of that relationship, and became better at explaining it, so let me try now with you.

When I was attending church as a child, or Bible study groups as an adult, it was like I was "dating" Jesus, like I had dated Al, and the others before him. I was checking Jesus out, making sure of His character, and that He really loved me for who I was. But finally, when I was ready (even though it took a really, really long time!), Jesus popped the question. Jesus didn’t want to "just date" me forever, He wanted to "marry" me. He wanted me to become His bride and for us to be together forever. Just like the symbolism of the nun’s ring, He wanted that with me. Me!

And as I explored this, I realized that Jesus didn’t even want my love for Al to surpass my love for Him. This is difficult to understand, and took me a very long time, but I finally got it, and here it is in a nutshell.

The greatest love we will ever experience, and the greatest love choice we will ever make is not about what career we will choose, or what man we will marry, or even if we choose to stay home with our children or not. Our greatest love, if we choose it, is to enter into a love relationship with Jesus. And He is there and available for all of us. We don’t have to be smart, or pretty, or young, or a good cook. Jesus wants us, He pursues us, and loves us just as we are.

I think this revelation was a turning point for me, that God wanted me to experience as well as all the turning points He orchestrated for Al. Just before our 25th wedding anniversary, I understood, and even wrote in my blog, that my love for Jesus had surpassed my devotion to Al, this man I so deeply loved, had two children with, and was married to for 25 years. Even if Al never changed, never shared my faith, Jesus was enough.

Watching him turn, watching him grow

For our 25th wedding anniversary, Al and I went to Pennsylvania, just to be alone and to celebrate. I was reading a Christian book entitled The Great Divorce by CS Lewis. As was my habit now, I read parts aloud to Al and we talked about spiritual things, and I restated, for what seemed like the millionth time, what it meant to commit your life to Jesus. And that night, October 10, 2006, the night before our 25th wedding anniversary, Al committed his life to Jesus too. Another date we’ll never forget.

Working in the church as I had been, I saw a lot of different families’ lives. I understood that there are no guarantees of a total transformation when a man makes a commitment to Christ. Still I wanted and prayed for Al to make a commitment for his own sake, even though I knew that it might not make a big difference in the quality of my married life.

I could not have been more mistaken. Al, who mostly read computer and car magazines, now not only reads the Bible daily, but also has been reading Christian relationship books. Now he reads them to me. I never prayed for Al to become emotionally deeper, although I wanted this desperately. I had under estimated how important this was in marriage. But God gave this to me too.

Al blossomed emotionally and now, he is my best and closest friend, in a way he could never be before. His commitment to Jesus changed everything, our marriage, his parenting, how he looks at his job, even our sex life. It has, as they say, "rocked our world."

This could be you

When I was asked to tell this story on Monday, I was not certain I would have enough time to do it justice. So as is my habit, I walked my dog and talked to Jesus. I wanted to make sure He wanted me to do this, because I needed His help in a major way. So I prayed and said to Him, "Jesus, if You are not in this, I do not want to do this, because without Your help, I just can’t."

And not to sound too mysterious, so hang in here with me, ok? I heard Jesus say to me "Do you really think if you did this, I would not be with you? Besides, this is not your story." Jesus said, "This is My story. I’ve just written it with your life."

Jesus longs to write His story into all of our lives. He wants to have a love story with you. But it must begin with you choosing Him. Jesus pursues us with a persistent and patient passion, but He never forces us.

I don’t know where you are this morning in your relationship with Jesus. If you are not "dating" Jesus yet, I hope my story has introduced you to Him. I hope it encourages you to start checking Him out. He really is a great God.

If you have already been introduced, and are "dating" Jesus, seeing if He has good character and if loves you just the way you are, I hope my story has assured you that He does. 

Praise Report - Al's New Job

Here's an encouraging praise report from Al, written originally to friends who had prayed about his job transition. It is so good, I want to include it here...

I want to thank you both for your prayers about my new job, for we serve a BIG GOD. One that changes us from the inside out, in ways we don't understand. Please allow me to tell this little story, that happen last week, so I may honor God from my heart.

One night last week, at work, by chance, I spoke to a man named Joe and asked how he was doing. I could see his heart was heavy. He started to say that this job was getting to him, that the job he does now is to serve others, and that was tearing him down and for the 25 years he been in the business, he has never felt so low. Joe was affected by the last round of cutbacks. He went from being in the first group out the door to being last out of the building, That meant that he had to load everyone else's truck, serving them, when before he was used to them loading his. He wanted to go back to being served as first route out the building.

Joe got me to think about that my old job, the one I loved doing in Wall Township, (even though there was Spiritual warfare going on) was like the new job that he hated. We both changed jobs, but I find that I have adapted, and Joe has not and seems to be getting more bitter. I know the difference is God in my life.

I know the first 5 weeks on this new job were very hard on me. I miss the men I worked with for 20 years. The emotional part of it was tough.

As an old time worker I didn't think I would be doing interstate driving again or after 35 years in the newspaper business, I didn't think I would feel like a rookie again, having to drive with the big rigs on the highway and not knowing the routine and the people I work with.

I clung to God like I was hugging Him, as the weeks passed, I was starting to adapt, I was starting to change, and the closeness to God was growing. Now God showed me that through this, to lean on Him for the strength I need each night. To drive with the 18 wheelers who fly by me at 80 + mph, New Yorkers who love to cut off truckers, and to work with 100 different men who I never worked with before.

My home life changed too. I was a person who was always watching the time, anxious not to be late for work, but now God has given me the patience and self control that is needed to enjoy the evening I have ( I leave for work at 9 pm )

There was a surprise that God had given Barb and I that was unforeseen. The joy of every married couple is to go bed ( sleep ) at night together. This is something that Barb and I only enjoy fully during our vacation until recently. As the weeks passed my time coming home got early to the point that we were in bed ( sleeping ) together for a brief time each early morning. God surely works things out and surprises us. What a gift he given us!!!!!!

All this to say, thank you for your prayers for me, for our family and praise God for his perfect plans for us.

Al.

be the Body

Now about spiritual gifts, brothers, I do not want you to be ignorant...Now you are the body of Christ, and each one of you is a part of it.

1 Corinthians 12:1,27

What is church? This is a question I have been mulling over as we have studied Spiritual Gifts, and have been meeting to talk about a "next generation" ministry. An important question.

Pastor Mark has been talking about a new "next generation" church service, and what we want it to be...not just great music, but to encounter the presence of God...not just good teaching, to but to hear the voice of God...not just a chance to sit around with friend and eat free bagels and sip coffee, but to experience true fellowship of believers. And that's great. Love that. But is that it? Do we then go home to our own lives and come back next week?

A church is about not only salvation, but the process of sanctification. How do we facilitate that? Yes, there must be more.

It takes more than a teacher and a musician, even more than nursery workers and people with a hospitality gift. It takes a whole body. That is what Paul is talking about here.

People need to be shepherded. They need to be encouraged, they need to be shown mercy. They need hospitality during the week, as well as on Sunday. They need all the spiritual gifts. They need each other, because no one person, even a great pastor, can possibly be all we need. Until we all are called out and encouraged and empowered to become part of the church and its functioning body, we cannot fulfill our mission as Christ has given it to us.

Yes, we are all not yet fit for ministry. But is anyone ever really fit? I mean, really? We need to be educated, but we also need to be anointed. The anointing of the Spirit is not something we can read about and learn. It is a miraculous gift from the Spirit we cannot control.

We make the mistake of separating the ministry into the lay people and the "called."

I am sorry, but if you are saved, this is the deal....that was the call! All saints are called. We are not only called out of our sins, we are called to serve, and until we get that, our church body will be missing limbs, organs, important stuff.

It is not about Sunday, it's about every day. It's not about the leaders, it is about we all get to minister, to be part of a team. We all need to get out of our seats, stop being the audience and start finding our places.

The church is a body.

14Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. 15If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 16And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. 17If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? 18But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. 19If they were all one part, where would the body be?

20As it is, there are many parts, but one body.

21The eye cannot say to the hand, "I don't need you!" And the head cannot say to the feet, "I don't need you!" 22On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, 24while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, 25so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. 26If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

The Door: Open or Shut?

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
--Matthew 7:7-8

Part of the codependent recovery is to accept that what is, is. That's a big struggle for me, Miss "Let's Do Something About This"

And to defend that somewhat, let's just say that the other extreme could be seen as a victim mentality, which I want to avoid at all costs! And also, as believers, we need to believe that all things are possible with God.

But somewhere along the line, sane people realize that they have come to the end of trying, and that it is, in essence, out of their control. Maybe not the end of praying, but certainly the end of trying.

And so, here I am. Not to give up praying though. Jesus directs us to ask, seek and knock... I have asked, and I did seek, but now I come to the knocking part. Knock and the door will be open.

Please open a door for me, Jesus! Show me the next step. Shed Your lights.

And yet, Father, what do I know? You ask us to wait patiently. Psalm 27:14 says, Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

Like the church of Philadelphia, I ask for an open door, one from You, that no one can shut. And yet, Lord, I know You may wish that I say here and serve You in this place, and so I will.

I only desire not to miss what You have for me, and not to sin. If what is stirring inside of me is sin---kill it! Let me wait upon You for Your healing. However, if what You are stirring inside of me to be courageous and serve You some other way, please, You open the door. I have tried breaking them down and it only makes me weary. Let me lay it at the foot of the cross and trust You.

And You alone.

7"To the angel of the church in Philadelphia write:
These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. 8I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. 9I will make those who are of the synagogue of Satan, who claim to be Jews though they are not, but are liars—I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you. 10Since you have kept my command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come upon the whole world to test those who live on the earth.

11I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown. 12Him who overcomes I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will he leave it. I will write on him the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God; and I will also write on him my new name.

13He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.
-- Rev 3

the enemy within

20 Do you see a man hasty in his words?
There is more hope for a fool than for him.

22 An angry man stirs up strife,
And a furious man abounds in transgression.

23 A man’s pride will bring him low,
But the humble in spirit will retain honor.

25 The fear of man brings a snare,
But whoever trusts in the LORD shall be safe.

26 Many seek the ruler’s favor,
But justice for man comes from the LORD.

Proverbs 29


Who is the enemy within? How can I know her? How can I combat her, avoid her, flee from her?

She is Haste. I rush to do things, say things, fix things. Haste is my enemy within. The hero is Patience, Restraint, Thoughtful Prayer and Study, reflecting on the ways and power of Christ who can work through me as I seek Him. He can even work without my actions, and only my prayers.

She is Anger. Righteous anger, selfish anger, it does not matter! When I feed it, it moves from mild to furious and shows no mercy. It trips up humility. Anger is a powerful feeling. It gives the owner of it power to control by force. Christ, in contrast, was angry but did not sin. He did get angry at sin, but never tried to control by His anger. Instead, He sought to woo by His love. God's Love ultimately has more power. There are those who refuse His love, and go their own way, but even then, they are let go.

She is Pride. Pride always trips up he individual who grasps with it. We know our power and position in Christ, and are confident in Him, yet we are mindful of our own state as weak frail dust. That is humility. In humility, there is honor, in pride, dishonor. Pride is a cheater. As we grasp at what we "deserve" Christ can not give us the gift, which must be presented to us for free.

She is Fear of man. She seeks approval from man, and favor from man, thinking the man can help her, but he cannot. He is powerless; he is unstable; he is untrustworthy. Christ alone is worthy of our trust. In Christ alone, we seek justice and approval. He is able and He loves us. He will not forget to answer our messages, forget to pick up the thing we need on the way. He will come through for us in better ways we can ever imagine. He will block our ways with hedges of love when we seek in others what we can only find in Him.

Take off the dirty rags of sin. Put on instead the fruit of the Spirit of Christ, that is patience, kindness, mercy, love, self control, humility and faith.

Even this, I cannot do alone Beloved. Thank You for helping me see. Please sit beside me, my Lover of my soul, and help me remove these dirty rags. Wash me with the water of Your word. Clothe me in Your righteousness alone. I long to be beautiful for You.

Beautiful for You alone.

Stir up the gift!

Now about spiritual gifts, brothers, I do not want you to be ignorant...
1 Cor 12:1

It was an important thing to do, to devote these weeks to the study of spiritual gifts. They are important, not something that we should be ignorant about. Learning about them is not a struggle, especially with Pastor Ed's excellent materials. Being able to point out the manifestations of the Spirit's gifts in each other, that too is not a hard thing to do. But this week, we come to the end of the road, we take the "test" and find out, each of us, what gifts we have. Not that there is magic in this test, it is just a tool to point to a truth, something God has planted in each of us, long ago.

What remains is what Paul urges Timothy to do, in his last letter from prison. His final words, include this exhortation to his spiritual son,

... when I call to remembrance the genuine faith that is in you... Therefore I remind you to stir up the gift of God which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
Therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began...

2 Tim 1:5-9

Because of Timothy's genuine faith, he has received spiritual gifts, that God confirmed to Timothy by his brothers in Christ. They confirmed them and prayed for him, laying on of hands.

But using our gifts in ministry is a scary thing. Mostly because our gifts call us to do what we cannot do in ourselves, in our own capabilities and power. This favorite verse, 2 Tim 1:6, is not about having no fear to do whatever we would like, it is about the having the courage to use the gifts God has given to us, the courage to do His will, to choose His way, when to go our own way seems more sensible, more reasonable, more safe.

But through the power of the Spirit, we have the courage to choose His ways, the power to accomplish His will and the sound mind to know His righteousness is best.

Before the world began, He had planned to save us, and not ONLY save us, but to use us in His plan to save the world and to call the world to Himself. He has called us to be His witnesses, His hands to serve, His feet to go, His arms to hold, His voice to comfort, His ears to hear, His heart to love.

We are called to be Jesus with skin on. He has no plan B. Even though He knows better than we do ourselves, how broken and weak we are, He delights to use us. Us!

So stir up, girls, the gift of God which is in you! Identify it! Practice it! Train it! Use it! Delight Him! Delight your friends, family and neighbors with service that is divine! Delight yourselves as you see Christ in you, the hope of glory!

Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good...
1 Cor 12:4

You have covered me with Your Mercy

6 Praise be to the LORD,
for He has heard my cry for mercy.

7 The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to Him in song.

Psalm 28

Father, You have seen to it that I am covered by Your mercy, Your love. Protect me, Father, from myself, my own sinful desires, my own impatience, my own wayward will that wants it's way.

It is not the enemies that I need to be covered from, not the enemies from without, but the enemy within, who desires to have his way with me. Protect me from his lies, the temptations that I have fallen for before.

Stand next to me, Beloved, tall and strong and powerful. Cover me with Your love and tell him that I am Yours. With the shawl of love and the prayers of the saints, You have covered me. I reach up for Your hand. Lead me beside the quiet waters and remind me of Your love and the wonderful plans You have for me.

I know it was her hands that knitted it, but it is Your love I feel. Bless her for her diligence to do Your will. Bless Your holy name for speaking to her to do it.

on the third day He will restore us

... from Hosea 6:2

On Easter Sunday, Pastor Ed's message was titled, The God of the Third Day. I knew that a week ahead time, as he had been home resting restlessly and preparing his next sermon, so he had his title unusually early. On Friday, I had been doing PowerPoint for this message, complete with scriptures from through both testaments about the third day.

But Sunday morning, it hit me with a fresh and stirring revelation. Usually I am not one to be getting a prophesy, but it feels like it. Of course, I am never sure until it plays out, and I am just as doubtful as the next person in predicting future events. God seldom gives us such a glimpse. And yet this so stirred me, I am writing it here, safely hidden in plain sight in my blog. Perhaps God's purpose for this is just hope. More hope would be a good thing...

Three years ago, three Easters, to be exact, was our first service in the new building, in 2005. Hard to forget, because it was such as crush of work. The Good Friday service was in the old building, and many of us worked all day Saturday to ready the new sanctuary for it's first service, on Easter morning.

It was a stunning success. There was about 450 people in two services, and if numbers count, and they usually do, this was a phenomenon.

But the story continued, and as it sometimes does, it went downhill. From that great number, attendance declined, slightly at first, but it continued. Then Pastor Ed shared with us that he had Parkinson's. Then our youth pastor, PJoe, was put on the liver transplant list, for the third time. He entered surgery just before Christmas, and left in the arms of our Lord. Personally, the decline continued for me, as my oldest, precious, 18 year old daughter told me she was pregnant, then my Bible study co-leader told me she was to have a double mastectomy reconstruction for pre-breast cancer, followed by another beloved sister in Christ having cancer, followed by a crushing blow from other quarters.

Two years went by. The staff and the ministries limbed along. The numbers continued down, the financial situation worsened so much that the last two years, Pastor Ed sent a request for funds for year end.

But behind the scenes, there has been growth...great, solid, enthusiastic, gifted believers have been added to our midst. Finally, a youth pastor has been chosen.

Like the Palm Sunday entrance for Christ, it looked good at first and then the skies darkened and hope was beginning to die, for me at least. But this is our THIRD YEAR. And I believe in the miracle of the Third Day.

Beloved Jesus, please apply the principal to us this year!! Bestow on us Your power and mercy and wisdom this year, Beloved, that we may share it with our community, carry out Your plans, and further Your Kingdom. May Your Kingdom come!

Amen.

Snakes and doves

16"Stay alert. This is hazardous work I'm assigning you. You're going to be like sheep running through a wolf pack, so don't call attention to yourselves. Be as cunning as a snake, inoffensive as a dove...

21-23"When people realize it is the living God you are presenting and not some idol that makes them feel good, they are going to turn on you, even people in your own family. There is a great irony here: proclaiming so much love, experiencing so much hate! But don't quit. Don't cave in. It is all well worth it in the end. It is not success you are after in such times but survival. Be survivors! Before you've run out of options, the Son of Man will have arrived...

26-27"Don't be intimidated. Eventually everything is going to be out in the open, and everyone will know how things really are. So don't hesitate to go public now.

28"Don't be bluffed into silence by the threats of bullies. There's nothing they can do to your soul, your core being. Save your fear for God, who holds your entire life—body and soul—in his hands.

Matthew 10:16-28, The Message

Yeah, I want to sign up for this. This is not for sissies, not for a bunch of "girlie girls." This is not for those who desire to "make nice," who want people to like them, who are easily intimidated.

It is about truth and light and loving those people, as Christ would. It is about knowing when to pursue relentlessly in the face of huge obstacles, and when to retreat and shrug our shoulders. But never to back down. And certainly never to deny Him.

Easy to write as I sit here at my desk at church. But it is gut-wrenching to be standing in your mom's kitchen, eye to eye with her, and DOING it.

How to be like a snake and a dove? How to embrace the fine qualities of both: cunning wisdom, and also inoffensive love? And at the same time to reject the bitter sting of the snake and the weakness of the dove?

The Message of Christ is truth, it is good news to save, but not all will recieve it. When we are rejected, it is easy to take it personally!! "I didn't do that right, at the right time, in the right way." Or, we say it is the other person, "I need to reject and give up on them, and never speak of Christ again to them because they are rejecting Him."

Maybe some of that is true. But God can use all our mistakes. He is a BIG God! We cannot mess up so bad that He cannot redeem it. And people may be rejecting His gospel today, but we should not limit the power of the Holy Spirit, Who can continue to repeat our words of truth and love to this person and make him more open to hear it again on another day.

So with the empowering of the Spirit, given to us when we embraced Christ as Lord and Savior, we have the shrewdness, the gentleness and the courage to do His work, always, with our head on His chest, hearing His heartbeat, with our hand in His, allowing Him to direct us.

It will be hard, messy, dirty, dangerous even.

But He is with us. Always. To the End.

a love song

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Will you lie with me and just forget the world?

You have given me a new love and a new song.
I can lie in his arms and he reminds me to look to You alone.
You have saved me in a new and deeper way by saving him.
I can say like Elizabeth, "The Lord has done this for me. In these days He has shown His favor and taken away my disgrace among the people."

And I rise up and I find myself released. There is peace, Your peace. I see Your love for me in his eyes, his touch, his encouragement and I know for sure, Beloved, that not only is he pleased with me, but You are too.

As Mary said, so too, I can say...

My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
holy is His name.
His mercy extends to those who fear Him,
from generation to generation.
He has performed mighty deeds with His arm;
He has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.
He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but has lifted up the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things...

I will praise Your Name, and I will thank You and trust You, the Faithful Forever One, my God Hero, my Provider.

I will sing a love song. I will sing of my love for him, and we together will sing of our love for You.

The limits of a bad example

Samson said to them, "This time I have a right to get even with the Philistines; I will really harm them." ... As he approached Lehi, the Philistines came toward him shouting. The Spirit of the LORD came upon him in power. The ropes on his arms became like charred flax, and the bindings dropped from his hands. Finding a fresh jawbone of a donkey, he grabbed it and struck down a thousand men.

Judges 15:3, 14-15

Today I was thinking about the limits of a bad example.

I mean, ok, so if we get angry, it is not a good idea to kill a bunch of people with the jawbone of an ass. But what are you supposed to do instead? That is the question!

The options of running away, ignoring the problem, gossiping with your friends, really aren’t the way to deal with it either.

And it is a real problem. We cannot control other people. People will do wrong. They will wound us, anger us, ignore us, etc. What do we do about such things?

Here is where I think the concepts of boundaries and hierarchical relationships help. Boundaries are needed in all areas, for example, You can’t do that in our house, in this office, if you are members of this church, if you attend this school, etc. We need to understand the limits, and then, if they are breached, to know who to go to fix the problem.

Even in personal relationships, and even when those in the responsible positions do not solve the problem, then it is up to us to define and impose those boundaries, such as, you cannot say that to me, do that to me, treat me in this way, otherwise, we cannot have a relationship.

And then we need to have the strength to stand our ground, in the face of whining, guilt trips, manipulation and just plain strong-arming. And still do all in love, always in a spirit that desires forgiveness and reconciliation. All that requires nothing less than a supernatural courage, patience and humility.

I don’t think we are expected to wake up the day after we received Christ as Savior and be ready to do this. It is just too hard, and we get messed up in our own past wounds. I think the best we can hope for is continued improvement and the contrition along the way. I think Christ is well pleased with that.

I still struggle with the pain from time to time, and the other day, I even thought, Does love always have to hurt or is it just me? But then the Lord spoke to my heart. Remember, My child, you live in a fallen world, and humans are fallen people. Their love is not what I intended it to be. You can strive to follow My Son, but you will still have struggles. Let My love alone be sufficient for you, because it will never fail you.
--from Every Heart Restored

Be on your way

When you enter a town or village, don't insist on staying in a luxury inn. Get a modest place with some modest people, and be content there until you leave.

When you knock on a door, be courteous in your greeting. If they welcome you, be gentle in your conversation. If they don't welcome you, quietly withdraw. Don't make a scene. Shrug your shoulders and be on your way. You can be sure that on Judgment Day they'll be mighty sorry—but it's no concern of yours now.

Matthew 10:11-15 MSG

It's not about you. It is not your message. It is the message of God through His Christ that we bring. It is His Message, His Gospel, His peace that we bring.

It's not about you. It is about them. If we are courteous, gentle and respectful, they are held responsible for how they receive Christ's Message, not us. We do not have to argue, challenge, plead, or beat ourselves up and feel guilty if things do not work out as we plan.

Our responsibility is to go and speak. When and how Christ uses our work is not up to us, it is in His divine and perfect plan.

His Message has power! Focus on Christ, worship Christ as Lord of your life. Devote yourself to being a student and a follower of His Will and His ways. Then, if someone asks about your Christian hope, you'll be ready to explain it.

But by all means GO! Go to the houses, and if they will listen, speak. And whether they hear and turn in your presence or if they reject you, Christ peace is yours.

If with heart and soul you're doing good, do you think you can be stopped? Even if you suffer for it, you're still better off. Don't give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you're living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy. Keep a clear conscience before God so that when people throw mud at you, none of it will stick. They'll end up realizing that they're the ones who need a bath.

1 Peter 12-16 MSG

You are the equipment

Don't think you have to put on a fund-raising campaign before you start. You don't need a lot of equipment. You are the equipment, and all you need to keep that going is three meals a day. Travel light.

Matthew 10:9-10

Last night I stuffed letters for Donna. She is going to Cambodia for a missions trip. Funny to come up on this passage this morning after helping her with her fund raising campaign last night.

But Donna needs a fund-raising campaign. She is at the end of a seminary MDiv program and, as part of that, is traveling to Cambodia for a missions trip. She iis required by her school to raise a specific amount of funds. She is also going to training classes for the trip, and will be doing the medical stuff to prepare herself. She has asked us to pray for her. It's a big deal, we are all expecting great things and I am excited for her.

So what's the point?

Last night I got to minister to Donna, to help her minister to others. I sat in my room with my folding tray and folded and stuffed and labeled. I did not have to go anywhere. I did not need special equipment. I did not need to raise funds to do this.

Our ministry can begin where we are with what we have, all it needs is a willing heart and a vision to see God's hand in what you are doing. Jesus is well pleased with Donna's diligent, passionate pursuit of her studies to prepare her for His plans in her life. Jesus wants to encourage her and bless her. Last night, it was an honor to for Christ, the Lord of Glory, to use my hands towards this end.

By all means, raise funds and go oceans away if He is leading you. But if He is not, He still needs you. In your own room. With your own hands, you can be used to be His instrument of blessing if you let Him.

Let Him.

Stay in your neighborhood

Don't begin by traveling to some far-off place to convert unbelievers. And don't try to be dramatic by tackling some public enemy. Go to the lost, confused people right here in the neighborhood. Tell them that the kingdom is here. Bring health to the sick. Raise the dead. Touch the untouchables. Kick out the demons. You have been treated generously, so live generously.

Matthew 10:5-8 MSG

Begin where you are, Jesus tells us.

This weekend we met Korey and Jen. Orginally from Pennsylvania, currently living in Maryland with four children, all under the age of 7, they are considering moving to New Jersey so that Korey can pursue the desire Jesus put in his heart, and that is to pastor youth. That is our image of someone in ministry, totally sold out, willing to travel, go where God calls.

But for some of us, Jesus calls us to stay home. Begin where you are, to those around us, our families, our co-workers, our friends, our neighbors. Those people who believe but purhaps do not really understand that the Kingdom of God is here, not in some far away place, in some far-away time. We do not have to pack up our children, leave our familes or drag them with us to minister. We can do it here. Right in our own back yard.

There are plenty of people here, lost, confused, sick, spiritually and emotionally dead. Christ has given us the power to heal them, to comfort them, to encourage them, yes, in some cases raise the dead. We must not shy away from hopeless cases, hopeless people, because we know the God of all hope.

Tell them, bring them, raise them, touch them, kick them if you have to. Jesus has commanded us and given us His power, and best of all, His presence. We have been given much by Jesus, our life spiritually and eternal. So we should freely give.

Called and Empowered

from Matthew 10 (MSG)

Jesus called twelve of his followers and sent them into the ripe fields. He gave them power to kick out the evil spirits and to tenderly care for the bruised and hurt lives.

In a few weeks, our Called Aside Bible Study will tackle the issue of spiritual gifts. As I consider this, Father, You have led me to where your Son initiated this phenomenon.

Here’s how it worked.

First, He selected His disciples. There were many who followed Jesus, but not all were called. And even among the called, it wasn’t that they were perfect, or even going to be true to Him. We know how the story ends. One betrays Him in the end. But even Judas was called. The point: these were not perfect men. They were called men.

Second, He empowers them. He gives them the power of the Spirit of God, mighty power and authority over the forces of evil, power to heal the physical, emotional and spiritual wounds. This is a power only God has and only God can give. But give it He does to these mere men. God continues to give this power today. We call this power, spiritual gifts.

Third, Jesus gave them this power immediately after He called them. There was no trial or waiting period, to see if this was going to work out. There was no study time for these men. They already had everything they needed. Later, we see that when Saul was called, he went into seclusion for a time to allow the Lord to minister to him and teach him. But that was not what happened here. These men had seen the Lord, and that was enough. However, as we shall see, detailed instructions follow.

Fourth, the power is for others, not for them. It is not for their fame, fortune and glory. It is to minister to others, to comfort, heal, encourage and empower others. The power is not to be used to master others, but to be their servant. It is for God’s glory and for the expansion of His kingdom.

Shattered plans, His perfect plans

"I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the LORD Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.

Malachi 2:16

God does not hate us or punish us when we divorce. We are not outcasts, wrong and evil women. Those of us who suffer divorce are wounded and Christ weeps for us. Our pain is why He hates divorce. But He always loves us, and desires to restore us.
One of our sisters is wounded now and we pray for her...



Dear One,

It is so tempting to feel alone in our pain and turmoil. To hear the voices ringing like Job, "My days have passed, my plans are shattered, and so are the desires of my heart." (Job 17:11) And it is easy to think our lives our over when we are in places like you are now.

I remember feeling that way not that long ago, when I sat on my bed watching my beautiful 18 year old daughter brushing her hair, and she said to me "Mommy, do you love me?....I'm pregnant." And I recall the Sunday I brought her to church and she sat in the car and looked at me and said, with her hand on her very swollen tummy, "Mommy, I don't want to go into church pregnant."

But she did go in that day. And although there is no program for pregnant teens at our church, she felt loved and nurtured, never condemned or judged. Her testimony is that we loved her.

All of us, as we sit at the table for Bible study on Wednesday mornings, and even as we separately sit here at our PCs, have a burden. Some are widows. Some are sick. Some have unsaved husbands. Some have rebellious kids. Some have sick kids. Some are lonely, not sure where they fit in. Some have recently lost beloved parents. Some have had extremely painful and damaging childhoods. And some of us have experienced the heartbreak of divorce.

We love each other. Hold each other up in prayer. Allow each other the time and space to be sad, angry, grieve and grow.

Dear one, the Lord has plans for you! Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. YOU!! May you feel His great love as we love and pray for you. May your testimony be as my daughter's, that you feel His love as we love you.

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

John 13:34-35

Hold onto your hat

Any man who speaks with God or about God in a way that shows a lack of respect for the authority of Christ, dishonors Christ. In the same way, a wife who speaks with God in a way that shows a lack of respect for the authority of her husband, dishonors her husband. Worse, she dishonors herself—an ugly sight, like a woman with her head shaved. This is basically the origin of these customs we have of women wearing head coverings in worship.

1 Corinthians 11:4-6 The Message

I just love how Eugene channels Paul right into the 21 century, and beyond. Would have been just easier to skip this segment of scripture at our Called Aside Women's Bible Study, but no! With our usual faith that Christ actually is among us and wants us to understand, we plowed on, rewarded by insight by all who came.

Christ loves us. He died so we could be free, saved, filled with the Spirit, prepared for every good work, and now, what? Shall we say we need to cover our heads and be silent? Not contribute our gifts? Not minister to the Body in need, to a lost world in need, because simply we are women?

Nope, not at all. But we do need to be redirected somewhat. Not rejected. Never rejected. Just redirected.

There is this issue of designated authority and submission at hand.

To promote unity, God created a hierarchy. But it is submissions among equals. We are one, in Christ, as Paul points out in Galatians 3:28. We can choose to submit.

Or not.

But, as Eugene so deftly puts it, a woman who does not submit, but instead lords it over her husband, dishonors her husband. When she shows disrespect for him or talks badly about him, she is an ugly sight, like a woman with her head shaved.

Beloved, You have blessed me with a wonderful husband in Al. Certainly there are women with real issues in their marriages, that need to be taken to a place of prayer and healing.

But it is for my blessing to honor my husband!! It makes for joy and peace and unity! It is for Your glory to honor him!

Let me choose to do so with joy and confidence in You!

Praise Report - The TV

This was so good I have to share it...

Most of you know that our TV room has been in disrepair for quite a while (like 2 years!) Since last April, the ceiling had collapsed and it has been unusable. We were grateful that the room had a door so we could close it off but especially with an active toddler in our house, we missed the extra room, and the TV/DVD player! And we had bought a new TV as a family Christmas present only last year.

Well, with only weeks to spare before Christmas, the room was finally done! Clean and fixed, we moved the sofa, TV and other stuff back into it. One week later, our new TV stopped working.

The first repairman said he would charge $95 just to take the TV to his shop. But the second repairman suggested we take it back to where we bought it, which was Costco.

Now get this---we go to Costco with no receipt and they said they would REPLACE it! So we drag the broken TV back to Costco, and pick out another, same brand, same size, and it costs $400 less. So we now have a NEW TV and $400 from Costco to buy whatever! (PS, this was grandfathered because we bought it last year... this year the returns for electronics is only 3 months!!)

Al and I bought the TV home and spent time in prayer thanking God for His provision.

We have been praying for provision (this will be Al's 3rd year in a row with no raise and I had been feeling guilty for purchases that perhaps we didn't absolutely need, like this TV) and God had really came through in this. Truthfully, I have been less than faithful in praying for provision when we needed it, thinking I needed to figure it out myself. But God obviously wanted to bless us in a unique way all His own, so that only HE could get the GLORY.

He is so good, and so faithful even when we are so stubborn. It's a wonderful thing.

broken down walls

He said, the Pastor had a message for you today.

The text was Judges 4, the story of Deborah. Impossible situation, but God had a plan. The people of God stepped out in faith and obedience and the Lord won the victory.

And the question then was, who is the enemy who is too big for you but not too big for God? Is God asking you to step out in obedience? Sometimes we stand and pray when God will move if only we would step out.

Where do I need to step out?

You know, I aways take these things too seriously. So I stood there and thought and thought and cried.

But I have no Deborah, telling me the specific word of the Lord in my life. My enemy is not in chariots. This message is not for me. I cannot even tell who the enemy is!!

I am standing naked in the chill. My walls are broken down. I hang my head afraid to lift it and look. Where is my enemy coming from? Who is my friend? Is the enemy inside of me? Like Job, I want to take the shards of the pot and scrape myself of my sin, anything to get the stain and stench off of me. But is it me?

Is it you?

No one is wearing signs and I cannot tell as I stand and shiver in my house of broken down walls. And even if I rebuild the walls, where are the boundaries? Who do I leave in? Who do I put out? How do I know?

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late, I'm already torn

Beloved, tell me, let me lean back into You. Tell me who, show me the way, like the calm women's voice.

Left turn followed by a right turn.

I have gotten into a black hole again and do not even know the way out. Like I am underwater so far and so black I cannot tell up from down.

Recalculating route.

Tell me today, where to turn. Confirm Your voice with me. I am afraid and lost and cold.

Get me out of here, take me home.

the stroller is outside

and so continues the saga of my battle with co-dependency.

My therapist suggested we both re-read Co-Dependent No More again together. Although neither of my parents were alcoholics or drug-users, I show many signs of the co-dependent personality as defined in this book. I read with interest the tendencies and issues of the co-dependent. But nothing is more telling than what happens day to day in my house.

For example, the stroller is outside. Since yesterday. I had been reminding her to bring it in, but today, as I see it damp and sitting in the rain at 10:30 pm, I realize that I am not helping. I so want to drag it into the house. Then it will dry and be safe. Or I want to remind her. Just my way of looking at the world.

Barbara Ruglio, Princess of Co-Dependent Kingdom.

Like the garbage at church, it started subtly. PJoe took out the garbage, and somehow, it became my job to remind him. Actually, we did it together every Wednesday after lunch as a kind of bonding experience only two dedicated church workers could understand, going through the building from top to bottom, collecting bags, replacing trash liners, dragging the big plastic trash containers to the curb. I would pay money actually, to do this with him again!

Then Joe went for his first liver transplant, Jeff had surgery on his wrist and somehow from a mistaken sense of wanting to help, I continued the chore on my own for way too long. I would point out that it was inappropriate for me to be needing to do this, but things would never change. No matter how many times I brought it up.

Finally, it occurred to me that even if the garbage stayed on the side of the church building for weeks, no one would really expect me to clean it up.

So I stopped. And that is exactly what happened. Several times it did pile up and no one asked me to clean it. And the people who did have to clean it, well, I guess it got them to remember to do it.

Last week, I looked and saw the garbage out on the curb and realized that I had forgotten even which day was garbage day. I'm healed! Yippeee! Until the next issue.

Now this may sound goofy to you. Actually, unless you think I work with meanies, no one ever asked me nor really expected me to take the garbage out. Only I did.

The same with the stroller. I love Gio but he is not my baby. It is not my stroller. If it gets wet or stolen, it is not my problem. No one asked for it to be my problem, and as long as I fix this for her, she will never remember to take it in. My daughter is not a meanie. Only a normal 19 year old girl with way too much responsibility for her slender shoulders. And as much as I want to help her, comfort her, console her, this is not the way.

The only way past this is a wet stroller.

Is there a Bible verse for this? If there is, please comment it back to me, I'd appreciate it!

Roll Away the Stone

Psalm 32

3 When I refused to confess my sin,
my body wasted away,
and I groaned all day long.

4 Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

5 Finally, I confessed all my sins to you
and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.”
And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.


He's forgiven me. I have confessed and although the temptations still dog me, He has forgiven me.

I need to believe that.

My sin, my troubles, are like a huge boulder, rolling towards me, threatening to crush me. It is too big for me, I cannot push it away. It is too fast. I cannot out run it.

But my Lord and my God is an awesome God. He is enormous, much larger than anything. He is more powerful, more merciful, more loving than I can even imagine.

So I crawl up onto His lap and leave my burden there. He will not forget it. He will not ignore it. I am not ignoring my responsibility here, I am acting in the most responsible manner because I am leaving it with the ONLY One who can manage it.

And as I roll the stone off my back, I feel such a relief. The stone, a huge boulder to me, is like a grain of sand to Him, my Mighty God and Savior.

So roll away the stone, onto Him.

6 Therefore, let all the godly pray to you while there is still time,
that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.
7 For you are my hiding place;
you protect me from trouble.
You surround me with songs of victory.

Come down from the roof

One evening David got up from his bed and walked around on the roof of the palace. From the roof he saw a woman bathing. The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her...

2 Samuel 11:2-3


Where are your rooftops? Beth Moore asks us in her devotional journal on David.

The siren's song of sweetness sings, but it is idols of romance and laughter--of pride and fame and fortune and adventure--it masks and cries over the joy, love, peace, security from Christ alone. He says---seek first the Kingdom.

Father, he is on the rooftop and he is summoning me. But You alone are King and I must not go. It might not be wrong of me to bathe on the rooftop--but just because he summons me--I need not go. Hold me, Beloved. Be my everything.


Later Beth says "Confessing wrong thoughts stops sin in the first stages, before it comes out of our mouths and then directs our actions...we are wise to aggressively confess our thoughts...to mediate on Him and His Word!"

And He says to me...

"No weekly therapy can replace daily bathing yourself in My Word and allowing Me to deeply love you. Present your sinful thoughts to Me. I love you. I already know them. I am not surprised or shocked, only saddened at your reluctance to lay them at My feet.

Come, My daughter, come. Let Me speak tenderly to you of My forgiveness and mercy, My provision and care, My great love for you. What more must I do to express it that you would believe? Turn and trust Me! I have given you everything."


I wrote it in my journal but needed to say it again. Maybe again and again to myself. I have been shaken because I have be negligent in my devotion to His Word each day. I am weary because I have not refreshed myself in Him.

Come, my Beloved. Help me down from the roof and hold me. Hold me. Be my Everything.

Prepare the Lamb

This story takes place between John 11 and 12.

Martha and Mary are in the kitchen. Martha is at the counter chopping vegetables and humming a song. Mary is sitting on a stool, looking sad and worried. During their conversation, Martha continues working. Mary continues to sit.

Martha leaves the counter and leans out the back door, shouting, "What did you say? Yes, the best lamb, the fattest lamb. Yes, that one! Trim it and roast it. Yes, it is a big celebration and many are joining us. Yes, yes, and please hurry. They will be here soon!"

She looks over at Mary. "Mary, dear, why do you look so sad and depressed? We have so much to celebrate. Remember? Our brother Lazarus is alive and Jesus and all his followers will be here shortly for the meal. Why are you sitting there moping?"

Mary looks up. "Martha, don’t you understand what is going to happen soon? Didn’t you hear what Jesus said?"

Martha stops for a moment and looks into space. "Yes, I remember. He said something like, 'I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies.'" (1)

Martha sighs and continues, "I thought he meant at the Last Day.
I never imagined that he would, that he could, raise Lazarus once he was dead."

Mary shakes her head. "No, Martha. I meant the time when he said, 'I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.' (2) Or even before that, when we were with him when he fed the crowds and then later he told us, 'I am the living bread that came down from heaven. If anyone eats of this bread, he will live forever. This bread is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world.' (3) Did you hear him then?

Martha replies, "Oh, Mary, what does that mean anyway? What are you talking about? You know, sometimes Jesus does not speak directly, but talks in parables. That was probably one of those times."

Mary replies, "No, Martha. He is going to die. That is what he is talking about. Haven’t you looked at his face? He looks so tired, and there is a heaviness about him that seems to penetrate to his soul. Like he is carrying the weight of the whole world on his shoulders."

Martha says, "Don’t be silly, girl. He is going to rescue us! He is the Messiah! He raised Lazarus from the dead! You were there! You saw. No, no, he must have meant something else."

Mary shakes her head. "No, Martha. That was exactly what he meant. I don’t really understand either, but the Pharisees are out to kill him, you know. You heard what Lazarus and his friends said last night! And after tonight, Jesus is going to Jerusalem. Almost like a Passover lamb."

Martha pauses, then shakes her head and laughs. "You have such an imagination girl! Passover lamb! What a thought! Look, we will die soon enough, but dear, tonight we celebrate! Can’t you think of something to do?"

Martha looks around the room and takes notice of the broom. She grabs it and gives it to Mary. "Here, why don’t you sweep the floor? Get your mind off things and it would sure help me!"

Mary takes the broom and sweeps, looking like her mind is miles away. She talks to herself, "Something to do…something to do...Yes, I must do something but what can I do?"

Mary brightens and turns to Martha, "Martha, do you remember the special gift that father left to me? It was a priceless perfume, a bottle of pure nard? Where is it?"

Martha looks up, quizzical. "The nard? What makes you think of that now? My, that nard is worth a year’s salary! It’s the in bedroom with the rest of our family valuables."

Mary looks up, stops sweeping, thinking.

Then there is a shout from outside: "The guests have arrived. The lamb is ready!"

Martha, turns and goes to the outside door. She goes out for a moment and returns with a platter. She looks behind to Mary as she walks past her to the family room, where the guests will be entering.

"Come on, Mary. We are ready now," Martha implores. "Please hurry and try to remember, this is a celebration! Smile!"

Martha goes out. From the other room, you can hear the sounds of people.

Mary looks and makes sure Martha is out of sight, then puts the broom down. She goes to the bedrooms and returns with the extensive-looking bottle of nard. She carefully turns it around and looks at it, holding it carefully to herself. She walks back to the front of the kitchen and says...

"Look, even the bottle is so beautiful! And when I break it open, the room will be filled with it’s fragrance! I know Martha won’t understand. I don’t think any of them will understand. But Jesus will. I have to give him this! It is my most dearest possession, I know, but even this will not be enough to show how much I love him. Before he leaves us, I need him to know, that he means everything to me."

She takes the bottle and goes out to meet the guests.

From the other room you can hear Martha say, "Oh hi Mary! It’s about time! Why don’t you come and help me? Where are you going? What are you doing?"

There is a sound of the bottle breaking.

"Mary!" Martha exclaims, "Was that the nard?"

And angry voice says, "Why wasn't this perfume sold and the money given to the poor? It was worth a year's wages." (4)

And then a different gentle voice, "Why are you bothering this woman? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me. When she poured this perfume on my body, she did it to prepare me for burial. I tell you the truth, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told..." (5)

______________________
(1) John 11:25
(2) John 10:11
(3) John 6:51
(4) John 12:5
(5) Matthew 26:10-13

Swim or Drown

Do not be afraid, for I am with you... Isaiah 43:5

When the girls were small we were fortunate to have a family house at the beach. With all the water around, Al and I thought it was important for them to learn to swim. We did put them in swimming lessons but to supplement their lessons, I would play that fun game, Swim or Drown in our calm shallow bay.

How this game worked was I would take one daughter into bay where I could stand but she could not. I would tell her to swim to me, and as she approached I would step back. And back. And back. She would yell to me "Mommy, don't move." And I would smile and say back to her "Swim or drown!"

Before you call DYFS on me, let me point out that, both daughters survived to ages 17 and 19. Both can swim and my older one is a swim instructor and life guard at the YMCA. I would never play this game with other children, only my own. The trick with my own daughters was this: they knew I loved them and would do anything for them. They knew I would never let them drown. So while they huffed and squealed, they were never really afraid because they knew I might let them go under once, but I would never left them drown.

My walking backwards encouraged them to try when they otherwise would quit. My presence gave them confidence. And they knew for sure that I could swim.

Because we have had a busy ministry week at church, I was reminded of this game. I felt what God was playing Swim or Drown with us. Stretching us, allowing obstacles to be thrown in our way, walking backwards almost, to encourage us to know all that we can do in His power.

And when children get sick, cars get hit, people have other obligations and cannot help, roofs leak, technology limits us, even the size of our building constrains us, I huff and squeal and say, "Father, don't move." But our game make us stronger. Builds our faith. Reveals His power. Demonstrates His willingness to use us broken vessels for His glory.

Despite the trouble and confusion, His presence gives us confidence. And we know for sure He can swim.

And yes, I am tired when it's over, but I always want to play again. Join me, won't you?

Free Coffee, Free Mercy

This morning I stopped at StarBucks. I needed a caffeine jolt and decided to treat myself. There was a longer line than usual, but I was willing to wait. When I ordered my small coffee, I found out why there was a line. The smiling man behind the counter said, "Good news! Today is National Coffee Day and your small coffee is free!"

I looked doubtful and so he continued his well-practiced speech. "Yes, today, between the hours of 10 am and 12 noon, at any StarBucks, you will receive your small coffees free." He finished pouring my coffee and placed it on the counter. I continued to look at him, mouth hanging open, I suspect, wondering what the catch was. It sounded too good to be true. "Do you want anything else?" he asked.

"No," I replied, willing the test the waters, thinking he was going to say I had to buy something else in order to get the free coffee. "I only wanted coffee."

"Ok," he said, grinning broadly and handing it to me, "Thanks and have a great day."

I walked out of there shaking my head. I still couldn't quite believe it. But I was thinking, "Gee, what a great marketing trick! We should try this where I work!"

I work in a church. And I thought, yes, we do this too. All the time.

Every day, all day, and all night too, God gives away mercy and grace for free. That's the good news. For the asking is love and acceptance, forgiveness of sins. Every tear will be wiped away. Every wound will be healed. We are offered an eternal relationship with the Creator of the universe. Just show up to enjoy community with the the King of kings and all His children. Joy, peace and life eternal.

Jesus Himself has poured the cup for you. There is no catch, nothing else to buy. Free, free for the asking.

Just one thing. Don't forget to drink it.

Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:13-14
BTW... At our church we do have free coffee and bagels, every Sunday, after services.

Al's Testimony, in his own words

On Friday, April 8, 2005, it was a chilly, raining morning. About 6 am, I was just finishing my route in Belmar, coming down Belmar Boulevard, and stopped at the light. The light changed for me to go and I proceeded. When I was crossing the third lane on the highway, lights on the right side of the truck caught my eye. I saw an 18-wheeler bearing down on me, coming into my front side door. I made a hard left and the truck hit my front right door, only a couple of feet away from where I sat. The impact sent me and my truck flying about 160 feet into the grassy fields towards the NJ Power and Light gas lines, which the truck narrowly missed.

As I went flying in the truck, a angel of the Lord helped me to have a soft landing in the cab. When I picked myself up, I asked myself, “why was I spared?” I was shaken but I only had a scratch on my hand. I felt that the Lord had spared me for some future purpose.

In the accident, when the angel gave me a soft landing, I felt like my heart was ripped open. In the next six months, I recovered from the physical shock of having the 18-wheeler barrel into me. After the first six months, and the shock subsided, the trauma to my heart began to to allow me to experience emotions that I had never felt before.

In the year that followed, my wife, Barb, and my daughters were confused as to exactly what was happening to me. There were days when I was angry for no apparent reason and other days when I showed love for everybody. I also remember at times, my love for Barb was changing from a physical attribute to more of an sentimental, emotional loving and caring. But as the months passed, it seemed like a roller coaster ride of different feelings that I had no control over.

Almost a year and a half later, on October 2, 2006, my uncle Donald suddenly died. At the wake, cousin Louise relayed this story to Barb and I.

The morning of Uncle Donald’s death, his son, my cousin Don, stopped by his house to try to convince my uncle to be more tenderhearted with Aunt Olga, his wife. But my uncle and aunt were having problems and my uncle had hardened his heart. He refused to heed my cousin and instead shouted, “I’m going to hell and I’m taking your mother with me!”

That evening, as he sat to watch TV, Uncle Donald had a massive heart attack and died. By the time the paramedics arrived, he was already gone.

When cousin Louise told us this story, my heart sank deep; it was badly hurting. By that time, I knew about accepting the Lord. Barb had been talking to me about this for a long time, but in that final month, she had been repeating this to me. I remember her emphasizing letting the Holy Spirit enter your heart and letting Him work from within.

But I wasn’t quite ready to give up my identity as a Ruglio.

My grandfather, Frank Ruglio, was a strong-willed person. Either he liked you or he didn’t and you always knew where you stood. He had a stubbornness and meanness at times but he also had a big heart. He also was intent to show he was the head-boss, which was something I always admired. He always knew what was the thing to to do at the time.

My father was the head of the family also. All or most decisions had to go through him for approval. My mom never questioned this. This was how I was raised. I thought these were great character traits to have and to show.

However, the problem with stubbornness is that you are not open to other people and their feelings. You are not open to the Holy Spirit either. You know best and that is just the way it is. This was the trait of my grandfather, and then my father and his brothers and it passed on to me and my brothers.

When Barb and I argued, it was always my logic against her feelings, and since they were only feelings, they were invalid to me. Once my heart was opened by my experience in the accident, I started to change inside. But the story of my Uncle Donald was the part that totally broke my heart.

On October 8, Barb and I left for the Poconos to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary. She was reading a book by C.S. Lewis called The Great Divorce and we were still discussing the implications of what had happened to Uncle Donald.

The book illustrated, in a more meaningful way, how I was putting worldly idols in front of the Lord. It explained specific things that I had to do in order to accept the Lord into my heart. It explained how my life was full of sin, because idolatry was sin. I never really understood this before.

Also I had a heaviness in my heart because of my uncle. It just felt so sad that my uncle had said that just before he died and for some reason, I didn’t want to go that way. It just wasn’t right and it wasn’t what I wanted.

Barb and I continued to talk about it, and before she fell asleep, on October 10, she prayed with me, about accepting the Lord into my heart. She fell asleep, but I had a rough night. It was like a whirlwind came into my house, and it was throwing out things that no longer belonged. That whirlwind was the Holy Spirit. He changed my attitude, and I felt what I later read about in the Bible. He helped me to die to all the things that no longer belonged in my life. That night I promised to keep the Lord in my heart, for Him to be part of me. It was a very emotional night.

The next day, I had a peace and a different outlook. We went to a Poconos Christmas store and they sold items about the Lord Jesus and St Nick, but I felt repelled about the St Nick items, that he was stealing the attention that rightfully belonged to my Lord.

The next night the Holy Spirit returned to me for more house cleaning and afterwards a love and a peace totally overcame me that night.

I thought Barb knew what had happened to me, although I didn’t outright tell her. My feelings were so strong that I thought it showed. However, a week later, I realized that she didn’t know and this was how I told her.

She was standing at the sink with a cup of water in her hand. I stood up and took hold of her finger. “You can do this,” and I placed her finger in the water, “or you can drink it.” Then she knew.

All this time, I had been in a house surrounded by Bibles and believers, but I had never received it myself. Now, it was inside of me too. I had drank the Living Water.

Who is the enemy? Who is my Hero?

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12

It is not them.

It is him, the enemy of my soul.
he wants me to despair
he wants me to give up
he wants me to think this is death and not only a valley.


It is not them.

It is Him, my Savior, Beloved Jesus, Mighty God, Love of my soul
He fills me with HOPE
He is Stronger than my enemy
He is Trustworthy and True
He is the Giver of Life
He will build His church
He is Victorious!

I must tell Him -- He is Able

I must trust Him -- He will Do It

No one else
No one else
No one
None

Because You alone are Lord.


They have thrown their gods into the fire and destroyed them, for they were not gods but only wood and stone, fashioned by human hands. Now, O Lord our God, deliver us from his hand, so that all kingdoms on earth may know that You alone, O Lord, are God. Isaiah 37:19-20

Confessions of a Control-Freak

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Jesus in Matthew 7:1-5

How many times have I read this, but suddenly reading this yesterday, it made new sense.

As a control-freak, I must confess that judgment is the first leg of the journey to control. First you look at what someone else is doing with a critical eye. You see how they could do it so much better (your way, of course!) and then you try to figure out how you can convince them (read: control them) to doing it your better way. For their own good, of course.

As an aggressive control freak, I am up front and in your face about it. I have friends however (and of course, I love you dearly!) who are much more subtle about it. I call them, (affectionately!) passive-aggressive. I love my mother-in-law's middle of the road technique. She starts those conversations with "I don't want to tell you what to do, but..." You just have to giggle because she is just cute.

Here, our Beloved Jesus tells us not to judge, but He implies that you can help someone else, but only after you have been through it yourself.

Having teenagers is like that. It is easy to watch a friend struggling with a rebellious teen and say "You should do ..." as long as all your own kids are in grade school. Or if none of your own kids developed a rebellious streak in their teens. If you have really suffered through this yourself, you would be much more likely to listen to your troubled friends while you are hugging and weeping over them and then pray earnestly for them.

First take the plank out of your own eye.

When you have finally seen your own plank, when you have experienced how difficult it is to get it out and keep it out, how much you must depend on Christ to do it, then and only then, can you be of any real service to your sister who has a speck in her eye. If you have not experienced it yourself, you just have NO IDEA. Really.

Jesus, Beloved, forgive me for so often judging. You tell us that Your yoke is easy and that means for us control-freaks that You only will be judging us for us, not for them. Your easy yoke does not include fixing them, only ourselves. And then only with Your divine help!

23 Minutes in Hell - A book report

There is something singularly compelling about a personal account. And that is what is so intriguing about this book by Bill Weise. And whether or not we choose to believe his experience, we cannot discount the scriptures that support his story, and there are many.

But it is his personal story that will make your hair stand on end. Hell is not something we like to think about, much less talk about. It is a negative reason to choose Christ when there are so many positive reasons. In a culture where it is wrong to suggest that anything is absolutely wrong, the concepts of judgment and punishment are not popular.

Unfortunately, they are also true.

And so I present to you my thoughts of this book.

Bill, a newlywed and a believer at the time, was taken from his bed in the middle of the night and spent 23 minutes in the depth of hell, afterwards was rescued by Christ Himself and instructed to tell his story to a world where his story would not be popular. It was not just hot there. Bill was left naked, was beaten by huge demons, tortured by heat, noise and smells that made him yearn for death, but it could never come. There was no escape, no respite from the terror and loneliness. He was protected from some of its pain and some of it was removed from his memory because no one could experience such torment and live.

Hell is a place devoid of the love and mercy of God, because it is God Himself who is love and mercy. Hell is a place devoid of comfort and peace and beauty because God Himself is comfort and peace and beauty.

People have a choice. God desires only our true love and there can be no truth to love without free choice. So He leaves us free to choose Him. Or not.

When we choose God, we go to live in His house. Heaven is our true home. I was recounting to Al yesterday why I studied the Bible for 7 years before I accepted Christ as Lord and Savior. It was like I was willing to date Jesus, but I didn't want to marry Him. To visit with Him on occasion was ok for me, but I wasn't ready to commit myself totally, all my life to Him. It was only when I said Yes to Jesus, that I was able to receive His Holy Spirit and become a citizen of Heaven. It is only the Bride of Christ that can return to the home of her Beloved.

When others reject God , they can only spend eternity where God is not. And that is hell. And I am thinking that the only reason why hell is like that is because it is totally devoid of God and His Spirit and His people.

While reading Bill's book, I found myself thinking of The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. I liked Bill's description of hell better. While The Great Divorce's hell seemed vague and only mildly uncomfortable, Bill's count was franker, harsher certainly, but more realistic and unfortunately, accurate to the scriptures if incredible to be believed.

What do we do with this? Should we run and tell our families and friends..."you need to repent or you will go to hell and it's a really bad place?" Well, maybe not.

Certainly though, it was an urgent reminder that evangelism is urgently important.

The Haunted Look, the Smile of Grace

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. (Hebrews 4:15)

I looked in your eyes today and I knew you needed help. Last week you looked that way, and today, only more so. That haunted look, I know so well. I see it in the mirror.

You did not know, but our Beloved sent you to me, because He knows my struggles and my sins. He knew I would understand and that by hearing my thoughts come from your mouth, that I would see this in a different way, as He does.

Sharing your sorrow and your tears, I see I am not alone.

Can it be possible, Beloved, that You too struggled with this particular sin as You walked on the earth? It seems impossible, yet does not scripture tell us You were tempted in every way?

We do not want this temptation, but it is the burden You have given us to bear. This temptation may indeed be the thorn in our flesh You give us to make us humble and You intend to never take it away.

But we can still smile, and it is not phony, because You will hold us in Your hand, You will forgive us when we wander to close to the edge, and You will not let us fall. We smile because You are with us and we trust You. And no matter what, You love us. No matter what.

Thank you for bringing us together this morning and allowing us to see we are not alone. And to help me recall, You are with us too.

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:16)

Hand over the machete

The winds have changed and suddenly, I am not longer the leader.

I never wanted to be the leader. Not really. I just kept turning around and all these lost-looking people were behind me. Maybe it was my gift of helps that made me decide to be what they needed. Sheep without a shepherd.

Being a leader was like having a bunch of people following you in the jungle. You are the one in front, with the machete, cutting through the undergrowth. There are no maps, only branches smacking you in the face and you slice into the brush, praying that you are leading these others in the right direction.

I was the spiritual leader in my home, a leader in women's ministries and often I would find myself as the senior person in the church building with the others looking at me for direction--as if I had any. I often thought I ended up in that position because everyone else had taken a step back.

Now, I find myself trailing more to the back of the crowd. I am ready to hand over my machete. My husband now ready to take over the spiritual headship of our home, the others in church moving up to the front of the line, or maybe it's just me being tired and older and moving towards the back.

Following Al reminds me of our younger days when we would ride his motor cycle. I would ride with him in front, me behind, arms around his waist, leaning my head on his back, watching the scenery pass, safe from the wind. All I had to do was the lean in the direction he leaned, and not pull in the opposite direction. No matter where we went or how fast the scenery passed me, I always felt safe, because I trusted Al.

That's what I want to do now, Lord. Lean in towards the way You are leaning. I want to be protected from the wind. I want to hand over my machete. I want to trust You.

I never asked to be the leader, Father. You thrust it upon me and now You have taken it away. It's all ok with me.

Maybe this time of following is a preparation for a later time of leadership for me. Maybe the time of leadership I experienced was preparation for this time of following. Whatever way it will become, I trust You, Lord to have great and wonderful plans.

Have Your way with us.