side with My party

Mark 2:13-17

Jesus went out again along the seashore; and all the multitude kept gathering about Him, and He kept teaching them. And as He was passing by, He saw Levi (Matthew) son of Alphaeus sitting at the tax office, and He said to him, Follow Me! [Be joined to Me as a disciple, side with My party!] And he arose and joined Him as His disciple and sided with His party and accompanied Him. (AMP)

It is pretty amazing to be singled out from a multitude of people and to be invited to a party. It is interesting to consider who Jesus invites and how He does it. I love how the Amplified version puts it: "side with My party."

Jesus calls Matthew the tax collector, the sinner and not the religious scribes. Matthew's response is to leave his table and follow Jesus. Contrast this with the scribes, who, as the Amplified Bible puts it, are "belonging to the party of the Pharisees." Unlike Matthew, who recognizes the good news of Jesus calling him, the scribes sit in judgment of Jesus and criticize Him, saying, "Why does He eat and drink with tax collectors and notorious sinners?" Scribes do not side with Jesus' party but instead, belong to another. One has to pick a party. One or the other and not both.

Out of the multitude, Jesus calls us too, to "side with His party." Or we can choose to sit with those others who judge and criticize. And do not be deceived, if we side with Jesus' party, we will also be judged and criticized as well. Worse, when we extend love and mercy and compassion to those who are of the more notorious kind of sinners, we can be misunderstood even by those who claim to believe the Good News.

Thank You, Jesus, for calling me too! Yes, I am glad to follow and side with Your party. But Beloved, sometimes it is difficult to deal with the criticism in a way that honors You, with a peaceful confidence that You are with me. Help me, Beloved! Give me your power to love the those who still have not chosen Your party and to help them to see Your beauty by the type of life I lead and the love I show them. Help me to keep on and not to give up hope. Help me to be patient and trust in You and Your perfect timing!

That you may know

Mark 2:1-12

Recently I read a Christian book and they were discussing the power guilt had on our lives, and as I read it, I vividly remembered that sin. Maybe you have a sin like this too. It was so ugly and so huge that it never gets forgotten. It does not get talked about because it is too horrific and embarrassing. But worst of all, it is the type of sin that keeps haunting me, as my life journey continues and I meet repeatedly with the same exact temptation again...and I wonder, would I succumb to this sin again?

It keeps coming up like this, and I tell myself, because I know better...Jesus has forgiven me, He has paid the penalty, it is over, and so I take a big breath and life goes on.

Yet still there is this nagging thing in me, did I repent enough? Did I confess to the right people at the right time in the right way? Do I avoid this sin enough? Is there something wrong about me, deep inside me that cannot be righted somehow?

Enter the paralyzed man, from the roof, no less. His friends carry him to see Jesus, unable to get in the door for the crowd, they climb up on the roof, carrying their friend, break open the roof and lower him to Jesus. Jesus takes one look at him and the faith of his friends and is amazed and said "Son, your sins are forgiven."

I can almost picture the paralyzed man, who expected Jesus to heal him, begin to weep as he hears this from Jesus. Because Jesus looked into his heart and saw what the paralyzed man needed most.

What we all need most. Forgiveness.

We can't see forgiveness. It is not big or small, blue or red, smooth or rough. Forgiveness is invisible, like the wind, we cannot see it, only its affects. But that is what He came to do, that was His purpose: our forgiveness. As the Amplified Bible puts it: the penalty is remitted, the sense of guilt removed, and you are made upright and in right standing with God.

Sometimes it is hard to believe Jesus can, or even is willing to forgive us, repeatedly, of our ugly, horrific, devastating sins. Like the scribes did that day, we say to ourselves, Who can forgive sins, remove guilt, remit the penalty, and bestow righteousness instead, except God alone? We have difficulty believing too. So we feel guilty still even when Jesus removed it, we try to pay back with good works or devotions when Jesus remitted the penalty and paid our debt in full, we try to act righteous, when Jesus has bestowed righteousness on us as a free gift.

But Jesus is patient and willing to teach us and show us.

"But that you may know positively and beyond a doubt that the Son of Man has right and authority and power on earth to forgive sins"--[Jesus] said to the paralyzed man, "I say to you, arise, pick up and carry your sleeping mat, and be going on home." And he arose at once and picked up the sleeping mat and went out before them all, so that they were all amazed and recognized and praised and thanked God.

Jesus did miracles as signs. Signs that He is the Christ, the Son of the Living God, and that He has the right and authority and power on earth to forgive sins. He will heal our bodies finally in Heaven. But most importantly, most urgently, He needs us to know beyond a doubt that He has forgiven us our sins. All our sins.

Even that most ugly, horrific, embarrassing sin and He loves us dearly. Anyway.

Beloved Jesus, help me to believe You and and know that guilt is not mine--You have given me Your righteousness!

You are My Beloved Son; in You I am well pleased

Mark 1:9-45

Jesus bursts into the scene, and Mark's first chapter continues with a whirlwind of activity surrounding Jesus. And all who came into contact with Jesus, reacted to Him differently.

• God the Father was well pleased with Him.

• The Holy Spirit filled and anointed Him.

• Satan tempted Him - to no avail!

• Angels cared for Him.

• Fishermen of Galilee at once ... left their nets and yielding up all claim to them followed with Him, joining Him as disciples and siding with His party ... abandoning all mutual claims ... left their father... and went off with Him.

• Jews in the synagogues who heard His teaching were completely astonished.

• Demons recognized and feared Him, obeying His commands.

• People who saw His miracles were amazed and almost terrified and spread rumors immediately about Him.

• Friends and family brought their sick to Him.

• Crowds followed Him, pursuing Him eagerly and hunting Him out.

• The leper had faith enough to ask Him for healing. Then healed, the leper disobeyed Jesus' direct command and told everyone about Him.

I ponder, why is it that the demons obeyed Jesus but the healed leper did not? And more importantly, why do the demons obey Jesus and I do not?

But most importantly, what is my response to Jesus? Do I stop enough to consider His power? His mercy? Do I bring my sick friends to Jesus? Do I have the faith to believe, as the leper did, that Jesus can indeed, make us clean? Even though the leper walked away, unable to contain the Good News of the arrival of the God/Man, Jesus, he at least had the faith to believe for his healing. Do I?

Help me, Beloved, to believe in Your power and trust in Your goodness and come to You for the hard things, the astonishing things. I confess that sometimes I ask too little, trying to protect You from looking bad! How silly I am! Allow me, like the leper, to come begging You on my knees and saying -- If You are willing, You are able to make me clean.

I can trust You for the response.

The Beginning of the Good News

Mark 1:1-8

Lent starts today, Ash Wednesday, according the Catholic calendar. And for the past years, I have not followed the prescription of Lent, the fasting, the ashes, etc.

But this year, I feel called to a fast and when I asked the Lord about it, it feels like this is what He has called me to. A fast of daily devotion to His Word and to write about the story, the beginning of the Good News--the Gospel. And so I picked Mark, the Gospel that starts with John the Baptist and the beginning of Jesus' ministry, to take this daily journey and to write this devotional of sorts.

The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer. And so we begin with Mark 1, when John the Baptism prepares the way for the coming of Jesus. John begins with a call to repentance, which the Amplified Bible defines as a change of one's mind for the better, heartily amending one's ways, with abhorrence of his past sins. Sounds like a message that would be unpopular, but throngs of people came from Judea not only to hear John, but to submit themselves to his baptism.

When God created the world, He spoke it into being with His words. All of creation was formed in this way. Then with man, God formed him lovingly with His own hands and then blew the breath of Life into his nostrils. And all of creation obeys God's words, except for us, His crowning creation, made in His image. Instead, we all have gone astray.

And in the great act of mercy and love, He comes to find us and restore us as Jesus, a poor man and holy God. But before Jesus makes His way onto the center stage, John the Baptist is sent to prepare a people for Him to hear His words of truth and grace.

"The real action comes next," John told the crowd. "The star in this drama, to whom I'm a mere stagehand, will change your life. I'm baptizing you here in the river, turning your old life in for a kingdom life. His baptism—a holy baptism by the Holy Spirit—will change you from the inside out." (Mark 1:7-8 MSG)

Repent. To turn from going our way to His way. Maybe the crowd was tired of the futility of going their own ways. Maybe many were ripe for a savior. I know I am. Led into the water by a man who was humble and truthful, they went, and so too, I want to go. I want this life change, life exchange, my old life for new. I want to experience the breakthrough of truly hating my sins enough to leave them.

Beloved, Jesus, only Your Spirit can do this in my life! Blow on me too, help me repent and follow Your word, as You intended all creation to. Change me too from the inside out! Amen.

~ ~ ~ ~ 

Here are all the posts on this journey:

You are My Beloved Son; in You I am well pleased - Mark 1:9-45
That you may know - Mark 2:1-12
side with My party - Mark 2:13-17
new wine and new wineskins - Mark 2:18-28
Sabbath Best - Mark 3:1-6
He would send them out to proclaim the Word - Mark 3:7-35
the worries of this life - Mark 4:1-20
If anyone has ears to hear, let them hear. - Mark 4:21-34
Who is this? - Mark 4:35-41
Tell them everything the Lord has done for you - Mark 5:1-20
You took a risk of faith - Mark 5:21-43
He’s just a carpenter - Mark 6:1-6
telling everyone they met - Mark 6:7-13
His head on a platter - Mark 6:14-29
as many as touched Him were restored - Mark 6:30-56
It comes from within - Mark 7:1-23
she kept begging Him - Mark 7:24-37
He had spit on the man’s eyes  - Mark 8:1-26
My way, to saving yourself, your true self - Mark 8:27-38
be treated with utter contempt - Mark 9:1-13
His face and person yet glistening - Mark 9:14-29
take last place and be the servant of everyone else - Mark 9:30-50
simplicity of a child - Mark 10:1-15
Sell everything - Mark 10:17-31
the highest places of honor - Mark 10:32-45
Many tried to hush him up, but he yelled all the louder - Mark 10:46-52
Hosanna in the highest! - Mark 11:1-26
Show us your credentials - Mark 11:27-33
Come, let us kill Him - Mark 12:1-12
much more than burnt offerings -Mark 12:13-24
she gave extravagantly...she gave her all - Mark 12:35-44
Stay at your post. Keep Watch. - Mark 13
and they prepared the Passover meal - Mark 14
Crucify Him! - Mark 15:1-39
a very large stone against the door of the tomb - Mark 15:40-47
He Has Risen! - Mark 16:1-8
So Celebrate This Festival - Exodus 13-14

Please be guided accordingly

Have you noticed when you try to stop doing something for your own good, often you find yourself going in the opposite direction to an extreme? Or is it just me?

Now I have been trying to stop mothering everyone, giving unsolicited advice. Why, maybe not as much as my daughters would like, but I am trying. But then I find myself giving all grace and no truth. Allowing others to do as they please and never telling them it is foolish, or even how it is hurting you. But this is not good either.

John 1:14 tells us when Jesus came, He was full of grace and truth. He allows us to go our own way, make our own choices, but not without telling us the truth.

In property management, the position I currently find myself in, I have come across this sentence we use in letters to clients: "Please be guided accordingly." We use this phrase at the close of the letter when we have told them the dire consequences they will face if they continue their current foolishness, such as refusing to pay their bills, park their cars in restricted areas or allowing their children to mark the buildings with chalk. We do this, knowing they may ignore the warnings, indeed it is their choice to do so, but consequences are thoughtfully and carefully explained.

I love this phrase because it reminds me of an important truth.

In the rest of life, there are those we are close to and love and out of that love, we need to point out the dire consequences of continuing in foolishness or hurtful behavior. But then let it lie and allow them to make the choices themselves. We release them with the information and pray they will be guided by it.

Maybe that is clear to you, but to me, this is new. I still need to point out foolishness, hurtful choices, especially when I am the one being hurt. I need to give the truth, and then the grace to allow others to make their decisions, yet still love them.

Truth and grace. Together.

Mercy and truth have met together; Righteousness and peace have kissed. -- Psalm 85:10

the still waters

It's been a while.

To catch up on my life, as expected, we were kicked out of Claridge House and I was offered a position as an assistant to our company's president.  So it ended up, I got a promotion of sorts and I feel great peace where I have ended up.  The office is busy and the people are sweet; the location is nice and I am able to go out every day at lunchtime for a walk, or to shop, or to study at the nearby library.  God has indeed been caring for me in ways I could not have expected or planned.  Al has had the same job for several weeks now and he comes home before I am even out of bed.  To be able to cuddle with him each morning has brought much peace.  God has provided this schedule for the weeks I needed the car each day to get to my new job.  God provided my new job in River Vale where I am no longer able to take the bus, and also provided a job for Al to allow me to take his car every day.  How wonderful is that??

So this afternoon I had time to walk to the brook nearby.  There is something about that spot, as I stand on the narrow walk bridge over the brook, where I pause and ask God to speak to me.

Today the waters were clear and clean, running briskly and sparking in the sunshine.  Up ahead, there was a spot where the waters were still, almost like glass, and you can see the reflection of the trees.  And I felt like He was telling me to be still and rest in this moment of peace in my life.  He has given me such healing!  Of course, there is more to go, but I am so grateful for how He has led me to still waters.  Right now it is enough to pursue righteousness and allow my life to be His reflection, to follow the flow, not to plan ahead at this point but to wait until His plan is revealed.

How beautiful You are, My Beloved!  How You have shown Your love for me!  I can I resist You? I will not resist but lay back and rest in Your arms, always and forever.

Psalm 23 
The LORD is my shepherd;

I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD 
Forever.

a time to weep

Ecclesiastes 3

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Today my little white dog KC was put to sleep.  Sweet to the end, he had laid there bleeding for two days and the vet said the time had come.  I had to take my evening walk alone.  No greeting bark was heard on my arrival back.

Today a letter was sent that sealed the end of my time at Claridge House.  I lasted a year, but now in 9 more days, I will need to leave and not come back.  The residents and vendors I speak to are sad and I want to weep.  But nothing can be done.

And that is it, really.  Nothing can be done.  Gio struggled to accept and understand.  He was mad at us.  When it was time for us go the vet with KC, and to leave him there, Gio kept saying "not yet, not yet!"

Not yet.  It is never time enough.  We want to hold onto the warmth, like the September days when we want summer to last forever. But the autumn winds blow and reminds us that we cannot stop the seasons.  We cannot stop the aging.  We cannot stop time and death and change.

But the snow piles melt and spring returns.  The days lengthen and the sun burns bright reminding us of the circle of seasons, giving us hope until we are united with our Beloved.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus!

It is NOT up to us

The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery...

and they thought...

It is against the law.  What she did, it was immoral, illegal too in our town.  We cannot just let her get away with it!  What will the others think?  They will think it is alright for them too!  It is a bad witness.

And you, Jesus, have been befriending these people, these sinners.  Tax collectors, harlots! You do not come from the God we serve!  The God of Moses who gave us these laws that we have been trying so hard to get Israel to follow.  God will take away our land again if we ignore the law.  We will not do it, nor allow and encourage these others to break the law too.  It is up to us and we will do whatever we have to to hold onto our nation.

"In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?"

Let them all see, this crowd who loves you, what you are really about!   Let them see your disrespect for the law.  Show yourself to be an impostor!  Come on, come on!  What do you say?

They made her stand before the group...

and she thought...

Jesus, why do you let them treat me this way?  It is true what they say, but they did not take my lover too, they only took me!  They have no interest in my life, my sin.  It is you they are coming for.  My lover was a man, an important man at that.  It is I, the disposable woman who they took because I am nothing to them, like an old worn out dog, not even that valuable.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger.

Jesus, they say you are different, that you value women and children too.  See the women who follow you.  They say you are kind to them and to all: the rich and the poor, the learned and the simple, the religious and those far from God.  What are you doing drawing on the ground when they will soon stone me?  Help me! Protect me.  Save me, Jesus.  Forgive me! I am a weak and sinful woman!

"If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."

and Jesus thought...

I love them all, these confused souls who think they do My Father's will and yet cannot see His love and power in Me.   Fill them, Holy Spirit, so they can see their need for the mercy that I so long to give them.  And let this woman feel the pain of her sin and the joy of the forgiveness I will show her.  Father, Our children, they fight and hate each other!  How it makes me weep and how I long for the peace of heaven. There they will all sit together at Our table, laughing and embracing one another.


"Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"

"No one, sir," she said.

"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin. -- John 8:1-11



 "It is up to us," that is the lie.  We can not beat down the sin of others with stones.  Only the Holy Spirit can draw souls, convict and heal.  

Keep your hands to yourself

Our sweet baby, Giovanni, is no longer a baby really. He is 3 1/2 now. He has developed a habit of doing things intentionally, that he knows is wrong, and then say "sorry!" Although we are quick to forgive him, I have been considering how to correct him. In His mercy, God stepped in, and in the process, helped me understand too.

The other day, Gio hit our dog, KC, and then before he could say "sorry" to KC, he nipped at Gio. Gio, who was standing next to me at the time, looked at me with big sad eyes, holding his hand. And I said to Gio, "You should not hit KC, because he will bite you."

That nailed it for me. Obeying God is not about anything else but our good and protection.

It it not about getting into heaven. Jesus has paid the entire price for our sins. God does forgive us every time.

It is not about getting God to love us. God loves us because He is love, not because we are lovable.

It is not about our witness. The world is not impressed by our perfection. It is drawn to God by our love.

It is not about God's ability to use us. God delights in using broken vessels. Check scripture. All who are used by God are imperfect. This shows God's power.

God gives direction for our good, for our protection, for life and peace. And we get to choose. By our choice we demonstrate our trust of Him.

The world will bite us, so keep your hands to yourself.

<sup>Jeremiah 17

5</sup> This is what the LORD says:
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

⁶ He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

⁷ "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

⁸ He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

Pray where your heart is

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:26-28

How do we know how to pray in God's will?  We know we are supposed to pray in God's will, but how can we do that if we don't know what He plans to do?

I have come to the place where I am comfortable to pray where my heart is, with confidence and with openness.

God wants us to come to Him honestly and share our heart.  So we can come to Him and pray for healing of physical or emotional brokenness, restoration of relationships, protection of ourselves and our friends, provision for our families.  Those are all good and worthy things to pray for.  These are all things God can do and desires to do for us.

But what if it is not in God's will to heal, to restore, to protect and provide in this circumstance?  This is where I can get stuck.  God, in His mercy, does not reveal our future to us.  Although I long to see my future, experience has shown me that I can not handle it.

Actually, that is not what matters.  What matters to God in prayer is where I am right now, that is what He wants me to pray for.  Even if what I desire is not God's will, as I perservere in prayer, God will change my desires and aline them with His.  As I prayed for things, I can see this progression, this journey. Day by day, as God and I walk together by reading His Word and my praying honestly to Him, He shows me His perfect will.  I need to be open to it.

And it needs to be a process.  Sometimes God wants to give us our heart's desire.  But sometimes, we need a while to accept the difficult parts of life: the wayward child, the abusive relationship, the inevitable death of family members.  He does not rush us through this, but works in prayer to comfort and encourge us as we grieve these losses.

So for now, just pray where your heart is and trust Him to take you step by step, where you need to go.

After all, that is what Jesus did...

"Father, if You are willing, take this cup from Me; yet not My will, but Yours be done." An angel from heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him. Luke 22:42-43

He holds me by the hand

Psalm 37

3 Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.
4 Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.


My boss (and oh how I love and respect her!) talks about being politically correct in the workplace.  Do the right thing, take the right action, be nice to the right people, avoid being seen with the wrong people  in order to be assured that you will keep your position and succeed. She is a pro at being politically correct and I watch her and take notes, to be quite honest.

But then, there is this place where we part company, her and I.  My Boss holds me to a higher standard...then again maybe that is the wrong way to put it.  A higher standard sounds like a harder standard, but it is not like that at all.

He wants me to trust Him and do good.  Even when it seems foolish, when it is politically incorrect.  Mostly, although I may not want to do these things, when I am obedient to Him, I find it is actually easier.  I experience the truth that "My yoke is easy and My burden is light." (Matt 11:30)  When I do the "difficult thing" such as remain calm and be kind and pleasant to people who are upset when they come to see me, I find blessing in the truth that Love does overcome.

I used to want to be rich and famous.  Well, sometime the baser part of me still wants those things.  Then I used to want to save and fix my family, my friends, well, the entire world around me!  But praise be to God!  He has healed me and revealed that only He can save and change hearts.  He only wants me to trust Him and do good.  He wants me to wait patiently for Him to act.  Only then can He work in my heart and in the hearts of others.  But it is Him, not me.

No amount of plotting, scheming, lecturing, striving can secure riches and fame for me.  And now I realize that if this is not of Him, I don't really want it anyway.  I want to be in His will, whatever that is.

Whatever riches He gives me, He wants me to share and not keep!

He wants me to Make Him Famous!  Give Him the Glory!

And this means I get to Be Still and Rest in Him.



7 Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper or fret about their wicked schemes.
12 The wicked plot against the godly; they snarl at them in defiance.
13 But the Lord just laughs, for He sees their day of judgment coming.

16 It is better to be godly and have little than to be evil and rich.
17 For the strength of the wicked will be shattered, but the Lord takes care of the godly.

23 The Lord directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives.
24 Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the Lord holds them by the hand.

I will give thanks to Him

The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to Him in song. -- Psalm 28:7

Never have I experienced a year with so much change, so much uncertainty, a time when my pride was attacked as much.    And yet, it is a choice, isn't it, how we look at things.  Do we see the five loaves and two fish and walk away hopeless?  Or do we give thanks and break them?

And so I choose to give thanks...

I thank You, Beloved Jesus, for the deep and intimate relationship that has developed between Al and I.  Today, he helped me with my work and it was oh, so sweet!  Such a joy to have him share the load, to hear the vacuum running while I cooked.  A few years ago, I would have said it was impossible.  But here we are.

I thank You, Beloved Jesus, that today I still have a job.  I thank You for the boss who appreciates me and tell me so.  And for all the times she told me I was wrong when I was, and for the grace You alone gave me to accept that and obey.  I thank you for the sweet people in Claridge House and I am grateful for the opportunity and the strength You have given me to serve them.  I thank You for giving me words for all those troublesome times, and allowing me to be an instrument of Your peace and Your love.

I thank You, Dear Jesus, that Al has a place to work and that the work has been steady.  I thank You for keeping him safe, and bringing godly men in his path, and for giving him others to share Your love and truth with.  I thank You for holding him close in this ordeal and changing him gently but firmly, showing Your love and provision throughout.

I thank You, Beloved Jesus, that Christina has been doing well in college, almost done, in fact, with her degree.  She loves her part time job and has a man in her life who loves her and her son, is mature and stable and gives her joy.  She is such a wonderful mother and our relationship is almost well again, certainly on the right track.  A few years ago, I would have said it was impossible.  But here we are.

I thank You, Dear Jesus, that Debbie is doing well in college, and has great friends, and has decided that being without a man in her life right now is a good thing.  I thank You that she loves her job and that the Olive Tree has been a blessing to us.  I thank You, Dear Jesus, for their beauty and their health and their sweetness.

I thank You, Dear Jesus, for Giovanni, the light of our lives.  I thank You that by Your grace, we are able to see him every day and partake in the routine of his life.  I thank You that You knew we needed Giovanni in our home and have given us provision for him.

I thank You for our Bloomfield home, our beach house, our cars that continue to run like manna from heaven.  It is truly a miracle of the magnitude of the loaves and fishes and how I know Your finger prints are all over it!!

I thank You that my mom still lives and that she is enjoying her retirement with a great man who not only loves her and is healthy but who is also able to take her to wonderful places.  I thank You that our family lives close and we love each other and enjoy each other.  I thank You for the sicknesses we do not have and the energy we do.

I thank You for MCC and ACE and Middle Ground, for the opportunity to continue to teach and how much I am learning.  I thank You for each person at the table.  I thank You for forgiving my mistakes and for each second chance.  I thank You for encouraging me to lay down those things that You never intended me to pick up.  I thank You for Your patience and perseverance with me in all.

I give You thanks, Beloved.  I give You the glory!  I celebrate You and rest in Your arms.

Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, He gave thanks and broke them. Then He gave them to the disciples to set before the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. -- Luke 9:16-17

Follow You

My pastor is doing a series on leadership. I am not going.

This summer was the first Willow Creek Leadership Summit I missed in many years. And yet I didn't miss it.

I am trying to become a better follower these days. Getting better at keeping my mouth shut and just doing what is asked of me. Trying not to second guess those above me, or thinking about ways to do it better or things they might have missed. Resting that it is not my job to drive all the time, and that ultimately Jesus knows the way.

At the Claridge House, Sam our super knows how to follow. For decades now he has seen Board presidents come and go, residents move in and out, workers hired and fired. I am following him. "What ever they say, I do that," says Sam. If it's wrong or right, good or bad, Sam does it soon, and with a smile, as much as possible. I am following Sam follow.

Recently I listed to a recorded speaking engagement of Paul Young, author of The Shack. Paul was in professional ministry for a while and he tells of a time when he was working hard for the Lord, asking for His blessing on the work he had started. "Follow me," he confessed to the audience, is what he said to God. God had replied to Paul, "you go ahead, I am going to stay here with the kids. I'll be here when you get back." Paul has since repented and asked God to allow him to get in on what God was doing.

How convicted I was when I heard that! How often, Father, have I said the same thing! What mercy You have had for me! Forgive me! I repent! I no longer want to do anything but what You want me to sign up for! I need Your power to accomplish anything worthwhile. I need Your Spirit, Your strength, You, Beloved, most of all I need You!

Most of all these days, I find myself in the dependent servant position. I eat my peanut butter and jelly in the basement "cage" with the other blue-collar types. I sit on the bus. I run when I am called. I smile at those who are angry at me. I thank God for the opportunity to show them the love of Christ, these sweet people who I would never have met if I stayed in the church.

I am learning better what in means not to lead, but to follow well. Trusting that in truth, I am following You.

I'm casting my cares aside
I'm leaving my past behind
I'm setting my heart and mind on You, Jesus

I putting my fears aside
I'm leaving my doubts behind
I'm giving my hopes and dreams to You, Jesus

I'm reaching my hands to Yours
Believing there's so much more
Knowing that all You have in store for me is good
Is good

Today is the day You have made
I will rejoice and be glad in it
And I won't worry about tomorrow
I'm giving You my fears and sorrows
Where You lead me I will follow
I'm trusting in what You say

Today is the day

Just different

We are doing a couple's study for the summer and the study is called Love and Respect. In this DVD presentation, Emerson Eggerrichs explains how men and women think differently, talk differently and have different needs.

"She has a need that you don't have. Is that ok? It's not wrong, just different."

As he talks about the differences, giving us examples and stories of illustration, he keeps going back to this...not wrong, just different.

Judgment is a subtle thing. We judge everything in our world, as we pick out fruits at the grocery store, choose car insurance, decide who to call with a problem, choose our words with our friends and co-workers, we are constantly making judgments: good or bad, right or wrong, appropriate or dangerous. Judgment and discernment are important, valuable, essential tools that we need to survive. Women, especially, try to figure people out--What did he mean by that? What will she think of me if I tell her this?

And without even realize that we are being judgmental, we are being judgmental.

Maybe I should restate--I am being judgmental.

And even with my understanding of male and female differences now that I am becoming a Love and Respect expect here (ha! I'm joking!) I cannot assume that I know someone's motives. I need to ask to find that out because we are all different.

Not wrong, just different.

Father, in so many areas, I find my self softening, being more gentle and open to other's concerns and needs, but I am not yet where I need to be, where I want to be. Help me see others through Your eyes of mercy and grace and not take offense, but ask questions and assume always, until unmistakably sure, that the person I am dealing with is good willed. Let me voice that assumption of good will in all my questions. And when I show mercy and am unsure what I will get in return, remind me that over all, I can trust You.

Shout for Joy

Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

Worship the LORD with gladness;
Come before Him with joyful songs.
Know that the LORD is God.
It is He who made us, and we are His;
We are His people, the sheep of His pasture.
Enter His gates with thanksgiving
And His courts with praise;
Give thanks to Him and praise His name.
For the LORD is good
And His love endures forever;
His faithfulness continues through all generations.
--Psalm 100

Father God, You are mighty and eternal
You created the world with Your breath
You formed the cosmos, placing the stars in the sky.
Yet You who made the heavens
And the earth Your foot stool,
Stepped down to us
As a mother stoops to pick up her babe,
As a father kneels down to romp with his children
You came to comfort us
To care for us
To do for us what we could never do for ourselves.
You, the High and Holy God,
Came to us lowly broken people!
You are our God, our Hero
And the Lover of our soul.

All we have is a gift from You!
I confess in my self-centeredness,
I have thought it was mine!
My house, my car, my children, my job, my money, even my rights!
But it is not! It is all Yours!
Things that You delighted to give me!
As a father fills his pockets with surprises for his little ones,
As a mother searches stores for treasures for her children,
Father, You own the treasures of the universe
And it is Your pleasure to give us good things.
But You give gifts for a purpose, if we would hear You and be grateful.

Allow me to see You as You really are!
Open my eyes that I would not see You as a God of my own making,
A God who says what I want to hear
A God who does what I want Him to do!
Allow me to see You in truth!
Your perfect will brings me peace and joy.
Allow me to surrender all to You
So that You can be my everything!

All creation worships You, Lord!
I long to add my voice to that song!
Let me not only worship You with my voice
But help me to obey Your truth
Lead all of me to worship You
A living sacrifice of obedience
Holy and pleasing to You—
Let this be my spiritual act of worship.

Not because I want You to love me.
You already love me.
Indeed Your love has cleansed me,
Made me without spot,
Perfectly beautiful, You present me,
Covered in Your atoning Blood.

We are Your bride, Holy and beloved.
How right we are to adore You!
You are glorious, our Beloved, our King!
You are the King of all kings, Ruler of the nations!
And yet You love me!

You have filled my heart with wonder so that I would always remember
That I was made for this...

I was made to worship
I was called to love
I am forgiven and free
When I embrace surrender
When I choose to believe
Then I will see who You have made me to be!

53 Days with Esther

It's Tough Being a Woman -- how true that is! Beth Moore's study was an amazing journey, mixed in with the twists and turns of my life. When I started on February 2, I was looking for work, agonizing with Al as he mourned the loss of his company and job, anxious and impatient about what the future would hold. As I poured through the scriptures and savored Beth's study, I have received wisdom and a measure of healing. Here's the pearls from the workbook and my heart that I wanted to record...

2/05/09 Father, You are in the process of writing Your story in and with my life. I long to turn to the back of the book but You reach for my hand. With romance and wonder I understand. You long to allow it to unfold slowly as we walk the road together...

"Have you ever had an associate who, rather than helping you calm down and think clearly, fanned the flame on your fiery emotions and ended up talking you into double the trouble?" Good friends help each other calm down. They empathize with the emotions, staying calm themselves. They encourage waiting until emotions stop flowing strongly before taking any actions. "I considered afresh how much power of persuasion --both positive and negative--the woman of the house can have...Sometimes I may want peace badly enough to advise my loved one to do something swift buy not necessarily wise."

"We too can become so steeped in our culture that we are almost indistinguishable from the world. We too can lose our sense of identity and forget who we are ... not so we can be obnoxious but so we can be influential." The beauty treatment for us as godly women is to come into His presence. His presence transforms us at the heart source and makes us truly beautiful, with a beauty that never fades.

"Oh, the favor that can come our way...through our simple willingness to follow instructions, ... respect authority... [not be] insulted by instruction ... practice the art of truly listening ... follow through by doing what [we're] asked...If long-term persistence doesn't win the favor of an earthly supervisor, trust the God who sees and who is by no means limited to one channel of favor toward you."

"God created time and no human can take it from Him or use it against Him. Time is significant to God mostly because His children who are temporarily bound by its tenets are significant to Him." Time and my future is in Your hands and this is a beautiful thing. Remind me to embrace it and see its peace and joy. "God never takes His eyes off us or off the clock ticking over us...God always trumps Satan."

If you would stay close to Me, obey My word, then I can use you to brighten your corner of the vineyard. Hear Me with a heart to obey. This could not be all about Esther or any woman even if she be queen!! This could be, should be, must be all about You, my Beloved. Your power, Your mercy, Your Provision, Your love. I must believe in You, point to You. That's all.

"Right now you are representing the King on official business in another land, but you are no less royal than the Queen of England would be if she visited the ... Bronx. She is queen regardless of where she is and how she is treated. Her status is secure. So is yours." We too are queen, beloved of the King. Put on your royal robes to approach Him and accept His favor, approval, welcome and grace.

"Sometimes just surviving certain tasks without falling apart is our best and at those times God is not ashamed of our performance. He's proud of us for fighting overwhelming emotions to do His will. God isn't interested in our stellar performance, but in our hearts...Sometimes people advise us to do instantly what can only be done gradually"

"Any time God calls us to die, His purpose is to reveal larger life."

Lord, I wanted to be recognized and promoted. I told you over and over that I recognized you and would promote you in due time. You needed to be healed of this. I was not punishing you from some great sin, I was healing you, then I was protecting you. I love you. I get it. Trust Me. Look to Me alone. What I desired I needed to receive from You alone. I desired to be loved best by the king, but the King of Kings does love me with an everlasting love. "In the shelter of the Most High we find our significance and the only satisfaction of our insatiable need to be noticed. There and there alone are we free to be neither depressed or impressed with the capricious reactions of this carnal world...Christ says I'm already great enough for both of us, Just follow Me."

This desire to be recognized and promoted, to succeed at what people desire from me and not what You desire of me is sin. It is not to be prayed for, but to be prayed against; to be confessed and repented of, to be release from. Forgive me, Beloved! Heal me, restore me! Do not let me forget that it is You alone who is my Everything.

I will exalt You, O Lord, for You have lifted me up and gave me a new job,
and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord, my God, I called to You for help and You healed me and gave me even a boss to encourage me in my recovery from codependency
O Lord, You brought me up from the grave and spared me from being used by men instead of by You alone, where You will empower me and bless me.

You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness and new pants---on sale yet!

that my heart may sing to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give You praise forever. Amen! --Psalm 30:1-3,11-12.

Thank You, Jesus! By Your mercy and grace I find myself here---unpredictable and unworthy; help me be an instrument of Your peace, love, joy and mercy. Beloved You intended me to come to this place to minister to these people in a way that would be healing to me too. As I continue in that walk, I urgently ask You to give me the grace and peace to love them as You do, as only You can, that they could see and feel Your love through me. Beloved Jesus, I need You more than ever! Be my Everything!

"Repentance is not your punishment. It is your glorious right of daughter-ship. Your invitation to restoration...Much carnage can take place between crisis and crown. In Christ, however, all's well that ends well because He emphatically does all things well."

I do not expect you to be perfect, baby. I expect you to be contrite. There are indeed too many voices. You need to hear Mine. You need to get your orders from Me alone. 3/28/09

and if I perish...

Two weeks into my new job, I am still meeting residents who look at me with surprise.

"You're new.  What happened to the last woman? There has been so many!"

I love the ones who tell me, "No one in this position lasts very long.  How long do you intend to stay?"
Ok, so I replaced the last woman, who must have had the job less than three months.  The woman before her was temporary.  And ultimately, we are not employees of the building association; we are really employed by a contracted property management firm.  The nature of the thing is transitory.

I must admit, this was unnerving to me at first, me the girl who before my last job, had been employed no less then a decade at the last two places.  I am a Ruglio, truly--- and Ruglios hate change.  I was not looking for a temporary situation.  I don't want to keep changing jobs.

But isn't this whole life transitory?  I am just an alien anyway in a strange land, far from my real home.
Right now I am studying the book of Esther with Beth Moore.  Beth made the point that Esther trusted God with her difficult decision to go in to see the King.  She could have been killed.  She prayed and fasted, and then did what she had to do.  She knew there were no guarantees.  But that did not stop her.  Her testimony was: And if I perish, I perish.

Like Esther, I prayed and asked others to pray for me.  In the end, I did what God instructed me.  I talked to Him about my reservations, and He gave me no guarentees.  Only the promise of His love and His presence.

Two weeks in, I am more certain than ever that He has been guiding me.  I do not totally understand.  But I do believe.  I do trust Him.  No matter how this turns out.

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?  -- Romans 8:32

just manage the property

The Master said, "Let me ask you: Who is the dependable manager, full of common sense, that the master puts in charge of his staff to feed them well and on time? He is a blessed man if when the master shows up he's doing his job. But if he says to himself, 'The master is certainly taking his time,' begins maltreating the servants and maids, throws parties for his friends, and gets drunk, the master will walk in when he least expects it, give him the thrashing of his life, and put him back in the kitchen peeling potatoes. -- Luke 12:42-46 The Message

My new job -- and yes! I have one! -- is the administrative assistant to the Property Manager of a high rise condo complex in Verona.  It is not my dream job, but I have come to a peace that I need to be grateful for a job, and I am trusting that God is in this and plans to allow me to minister there.  But in a big way, I expect He is teaching me something important.

The book I just finished reading was Saturdays with Stella, and in a chapter entitled "Yours, Mine, and... Well, Mine - Leave It," Allison is teaching her dog, Stella, the command "leave it." The God-related concept is that everything belongs to God-- everything!  We need to trust Him in what He gives and in what He withholds from us.

Allison writes, "I'm not teaching Stella to 'leave it' simply to delay inevitable gratification. The key to the behavior is to break the fixation.  No dog ever truely obeys this command until she completely walks away from whatever was being denied... I want Stella to know that no distraction is worth disobedience.... I don't want her to feel pampered; I want her to feel safe.  She doesn't need to be indulged; she needs to be loved.  I don't meet her demands; I anticipate her needs."

In this position I have now, there is no question about my ownership.  I am the assistant to the property manager, and even she is not the owner.  The people who own the condos, they are the owners.  We simply carry out their plans.  We are managers.  We are stewards.

God is showing me that nothing that I think I "own" is, in fact, mine.  It's all His.  My house, my beach cottage, my car, my new job, the clothes in my closet, the food in my refrigerator, even my children and my husband--all are His that He has given freely.  All are His to take away.  He doesn't give because I am good and take away because I am bad or He is mean.  He is concerned about my being safe, being loved, caring for my true needs.

Father, help me see the difference between being a dependable manager and trying to be "master of the universe." Heal me of this sin.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praise. -- Job 1:21

Doctor's Orders - Settle!

So I've had this pain in my leg. It took a week of the pain getting worse and worse before I finally decided to find a chiropractor. Turns out the pain in my left leg was caused by a pinched nerve in my spine and a sore muscle in my right (you know) and the prescription for that is several visits per week to the chiropractor and warm baths.

The interesting part is that the first adjustment was preceded by the doctor putting me on the table, face down, with my head in the gully-type thing, and my arms handing down under the table, and four warm, vibrating discs on my lower back. And I had to lay there, still, for about 16 minutes.

Ok, so this is how silly I am...I was not sure I could do this. Lay still for that long. What could I do while I was waiting? I could not read, sort my grocery coupons, text my kids on my cell phone, watch some silly TV show, or even talk to anyone as the doctor left me alone in the room with the hum of the vibrator. I mean, it was really difficult to just lay still and allow someone else to do something for me to begin the healing for my pain. And stay still for 16 whole minutes.

God is so good! To allow me to hurt my leg in order for me to get this!

I started reading this cool book entitled Saturdays with Stella by Allison Pittman. It is about how taking her dog, Stella, to dog obedience school helped her understand what it meant to follow her Master. The first lesson was "Settle" where Stella (and Allison) learned to settle down and enjoy the Master's love. How I needed this lesson too!

I agree, "there is something scary in so much stillness." Like being still must mean I do not have something important to do, so I am not important. Or that my Master might have something to tell me that I might not want to hear. I need to trust that my Master loves me! That anything He would say to me would be life, truth, joy and blessing. That nothing I have to do is more important than enjoying His presence. I need to stop pulling away. To surrender. To totally rest in that. To be able to be--no, to delight in being still and in His presence.

And as I take warm baths, because I am in pain and I have to, and as I lay in the doctors office, still for 16 whole minutes, because I am in pain and I have to, I have learned to enjoy being settled.

Thank You, Master, my Beloved, for holding me down. Too bad it had to come to this, but whatever it takes.

He will quiet you in His love. Zephaniah 3:17

Diligence vs. Obsession

God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised. --Hebrews 6:10-12 MSG

If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. --Phil 2:1-4 MSG

It has almost become an obsession, this search for a job. I am constantly checking the internet job lists, emailing out my resume, tweaking my cover letter...

When does diligence end and obsession begin? When can I stop checking the lists and say... Enough! Now it is time to clean my house, call a friend, do my Bible Study, read a book to my grandson, hug my husband or lend a helping hand.

The obsession comes from thinking that God will let me down, walk off and leave me. From forgetting that God is just and will not forget my work and the love I have shown Him as I have helped His people and continue to help them.

That I must be diligent BECAUSE God won't be.

Yes, this is just what Satan wants.

Help me, Beloved, to balance my life with good things as well as the necessary. Let me be diligent to look for what I need, and not just expect it to drop in my lap. On the other hand, help me not obsess. Obsession is not of You. You can be trusted with my life, my future and my family.

Don't be obsessed with getting more material things. Be relaxed with what you have. Since God assured us, "I'll never let you down, never walk off and leave you," we can boldly quote,

God is there, ready to help;
I'm fearless no matter what.
Who or what can get to me? --Hebrews 13:5-6 MSG

To say no to the king

But Queen Vashti refused to come at the king's command delivered by the eunuchs. Then the king became very angry and his wrath burned within him. -- Esther 1:12

In the drama of life, how often did I desire to be cast in the Esther role...the wise one with the message from God to save His people, restore the Kingdom. Perhaps the role of Vashti was always my destiny, certainly in this chapter. And then to find that I am not the only one to play this role as well...

I said no to the king because the King, my Beloved, told me no, that He would not go before me with His joy and His power. I was the one who needed to learn the boundaries, and so here come the consequences.

Beloved, whatever role You give me in Your drama is sweet and life-giving to me, although it may not appear to be so to my eyes right now. Vashti was never mentioned again in scripture, and we do not know how it turned out for her, but I know Your plans for me are good and true. In any case, I praise You! My pleasure is to make Your name famous, to enrich Your Kingdom!

Father, let Your Esther come and save Your people! Let me pray for her and rejoice in her success! Ultimately, in Your success!

"Therefore, if it pleases the king, let him issue a royal decree and let it be written in the laws of Persia and Media, which cannot be repealed, that Vashti is never again to enter the presence of King Xerxes. Also let the king give her royal position to someone else who is better than she." -- Esther 1:19

Jesus, The One and Only

Beth Moore's devotional journal was amazing. What was even more amazing was the dialog that went on with Jesus as He spoke lovingly, and sometimes firmly, to me as we went on this journey. So that it is not only hidden in a bookcase, here's the best of it for easy access--as you know, now is a time to need encouragement. So faithfully, I will record it...

***

I had always known Him. I don't remember the beginnings. He was like an associate, casual friend, meeting and greeting each other as our lives crosses, but very seldom making a date.

Then I started to see Him regularly, getting to know Him. Who He was and what He was about. How attractive He was--strong, tender, wise!

And then one day when we were together, He said He wanted more of my life -- He wanted more of me, was I willing? He asked and I said yes. The day was June 24, 1988.

I once desired to be rich and famous. Jesus, now I want to enrich Your Kingdom and make You famous.

Choose me, Jesus! Perfect me so I do not do harm, and as I do, please give me the wisdom and courage to confess and repent! Purify my heart, my divided conflicted heart and make me whole! Jesus, stand beside me, hold my hand, let me sense Your presence like I never have before.

***

Satan taunts, "Your God will deny you provision and affirmation."
God says, "Wait on Me, I will supply all your needs. I will renew your strength. I will repay your enemies."
Satan taunts, "Your God gives you the desire to teach and then will not allow you to do it."
God says, "I have given you plenty of opportunity -- seize and delight in them."
God says, "I am not going to waste the gifts I have entrusted to you. You need to wait -- it's part of the training process. "
God says, "I do indeed read your thoughts and I still love you and have a place in the Kingdom for you."

***

Father, Thank You for inviting me into Your throne room to engage with You over the issues of my life. I want to walk out in a huff. I want to return to my busyness to forget.

But You draw me back. You draw me in. You desire to finish it, the work You began in me, although I resist You. You are faithful.

Hold onto me, Beloved. Be my Everything.

***

My biggest stumbling block is desiring to please other people, desiring to be "right and good" in people's eyes and analyzing other's feelings to draw conclusions about their motives and figure them out. You desire me to do Your perfect law of love in the light and in the dark, but to have good boundaries.

Let people alone to make their own choices and their own mistakes. Put down the desire to change others but take up the care for yourself and the things Christ has given you charge over.

***

"The BIG LIE: Satan has convinced us that putting down our self-stuff is some huge sacrifice....Our self-stuff is what makes us most miserable!"

You did nothing wrong by staying there. You were following Me.
You did nothing wrong by leaving, nor did they! You were following Me.
Do not worry, My daughter, even now. Rest in Me and I will not disappoint you or him. Indeed, I will fill and delight you both!

***

You can be hurt, and angry even. But you need to move to forgiveness if you want to remain in the shelter of My wings.

Let your hurt now be a reminder not to return to this great sin. Bring it to Me, bring it to them if I bid you--but no one else and do not allow others to bring theirs to you.

Barbara, if I could just change you, if you alone would only be obedient to my revealed Word, I could change the face of your corner of the vineyard. Read to know, but allow Me to tell you what to do.

***

I will build My Church. No one else.

Please do not go where I do not send you. I will not follow you there. I will wait here until you return.

Be at peace. I have shown you over and over that I see your service and I have a plan for you. What I have for you is marked with your name and held in my strong hand. No one will snatch it. I will keep it safe for you and you will see it, at the proper time.

***

It is unthinkable, Your courage and Your pain -- that You would do this only to save me and present me unblemished to the Father and say, "She is Mine -- I have bought her, look, even with My blood."

Why then would I think You would leave me in this place? Indeed, where ever I go, I have You!

Allow me to see my mission field in where I am now, even in my kitchen, even on the Parkway. Allow me to see You, hear Your voice and take the next step.

***

" The cross is the open door no man can shut."

Nothing can hurt me, Beloved. You have forgiven even my most horrid sins. My obedience is not to secure Your favor but to free me from bondage, to avoid causing others pain.

You have opened the door. No temptation can shut it!!

Nothing is accidental about being in this place -- You have a plan.

***

Do not allow what you see to overtake your heart. I have a plan for you! There is an unseen victory and it is Mine. Step in obedience and rejoice! I have overcome the world!!

Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling,
And to present you faultless
Before the presence of His glory with exceeding joy,
To God our Savior,
Who alone is wise,
Be glory and majesty,
Dominion and power,
Both now and forever.
Amen.

--Jude 24-25

As I Stand in the Crossroad

Standing in this crossroad, I wonder which way to go. And I ask my Father, Abba, which path do I take? Which way do I go?

It is not the path. It is the step. And the next step is the simple, obedient, necessary thing.

And there, beloved, look for Me and you will find Me.

And so today, I did not answer any job ads. Instead I fed my sweet baby some of my oatmeal from my plate and watched as he smiled and made little boy sounds as he skillfully (for a 2 year old!) scooped all the oatmeal from his plate. When I scooped him another portion from my plate he said what sounded very much like "thank you, granma" -- and there, Abba, I saw Your face.

And today I went to the ShopRite with the last of the money from last week and I filled my cart. It was enough, under $100, under an hour (an old shopping goal of mine that I had not met in years). And there, as I payed and got change back, Abba, I saw Your face.

And today I had lunch with Gabe, my dear brother. He encouraged me and drove me and paid for my meal. He joked and smiled and ate what was left from my plate. We talked of You too, Abba, and I thanked You there for him and his love. What a wonderful gift was there for me, Abba, when I saw Your face.

Your face, Abba, is everywhere I go! The opportunities to minister is not just in a church, but in the store, at the restaurant, in my own kitchen. Keep me alert to see them, as I take the next step of obedience to You each day, as I praise You and thank You and trust You even moment by moment!

It is not the path, but the next step You will light for me, and as I go, I will find myself with You, Beloved, and it will be the right path.

Isaiah 42:16
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

He showed up just for me!

I have been doing ministry for a while, so at this point, I just expect God to show up for those occasions. Even though volunteers sometimes have to cancel and technical problems occur and kids get sick, God always shows up.

Even when I started my job at the homeless shelter, and God gave me a passion and power, mercy and love for the people who I met there, I figured, well, I was in a homeless shelter! Of course God showed up for me.

But this week, as I collected my self, sorted through my emotions and Christmas decorations and toddler toys, God showed up then too. In the middle of snow storms and sore backs and driving my 21 year old to work and back with her baby in my back seat, God showed up.

He showed up just for me!

Because other times when I have been home, I have been lost and aimless. But this past week, He invited me to rest. A Sabbath holy rest, and I invited Him to join me and He did. He talked to me as I walked the dog, matched the soxes, wrapped the fragile decorations, stowed away the candles. He gave me peace as I vacuumed and dusted.

Now THAT is a miracle.

Thank You, Father, my Beloved, my Everything.

Free fall

I started working at the age of 12. Jackie's Lemon Ice in Belleville; it was a landmark, everyone knew the place. Scooping lemon ice, I learned to make change and for my trouble, I was told I was paid more than anyone else. It was a dollar an hour.

In the winter on Saturdays, I worked with my dad. He owned a shop called Micchelli's Hairdressing in Bloomfield. We would leave in the early morning to be there for his first appointment at 7:45 am. I would answer the phone, take rollers from women's hair and sweep the floor. I was dad's "go for" -- as in "go for coffee" among other things. We never left before 6 p.m. I was paid $12 a day.

Later I worked at the Glen Ridge Country Club, flipping burgers while all the rich kids swam in the pool. By August they were bored with life at the Club. I was happy as I got to go for a swim after work.

In the winter, I worked in the Country Club office with a nice woman, who I can picture in my mind but I cannot remember her name.

By February in my senior year in college, I had my resume done and had begun sending out letters to companies who might be interested in my computer skills. IBM was among them and I was amazed to get a call back from them. As I wandered into the Franklin Lakes building for my first interview, I was awestruck. I accepted the job before graduation and was the first new college hire to start in June.

I always expected to return to work after Christina was born, but all the circumstances lined up to be a God-thing, so I resigned, got a nice buy-out and stayed home until Debbie started preschool. Then I started volunteering at Montclair Community Church until it turned into a paid part time job.

For years I had hoped that my job at the church could be expanded to full time to accomodate the growing financial need at home. This fall, again, all the circumstances lined up to be a God-thing and I accepted a full time position at what I hoped would have been my next ministry opportunity. But as you can see from my last post, that did not work out the way I thought.

Now I find myself unintentionally unemployed for the first time in, well, my entire life. And at the age of 53, your entire life is a good long time. It feels like I am in free fall. Some where between the dizzy sick feeling and the flight of a wonderful dream.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in Your grace

I've failed at a job, yet His mercy remains. I am concerned to make a wrong decision again, yet I'd still be caught in His grace.

I decided to wait a week before I apply again anywhere, just to regroup. I find myself perferring to stay home and clean toilets other than starting at a new job again. Or even sending out my resume. I am old now, rusty from being at home, and yet, I have not been at home. I want to minister really, but who will hire a woman with a lot of church experience doing a little bit of this and that and a degree in--Math???

And yet You are...

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

I want to sit home this time and wait for You to have that right person call me. I want the right job to fall in my lap, but I know that is not how it works. I don't want to make the wrong step so badly at this point that I would rather stand perfectly still.

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out Lord

Yes, please take control, Father, as I am out of control! I am terrified. How do I walk in the right way? How will I know what to do? How I can avoid this again....how how?

And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise

Can I praise You Lord, while I wait, while I wander, while I stumble in the dark in this free fall I find myself in? If I praise You, will that be enough? Lord I can do no more than cry out!

From the inside out Lord, my soul crys out, from the inside out Lord, my soul crys out, from the inside out...

Blessed be His name

The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the LORD. -- Job 1:21

Pastor Ed says that the shortest distance between two points is a zig-zag line. Life is like that, messy, with detours, and just when you think you have it figured out, you get this curve ball that does not make sense.

But then, it really does.

Yesterday, my boss called me into his office. He invited me to sit down. His desk was too clean, his smile too polished. You can feel it in the air, it would not be good.

"Barbara, I am terminating you," he said.

He was right, it wasn't working out. Although I appreciated his vision, was committed to the shelter, and loved the people---employees and clients alike, he and I did not have the right chemistry. And since he was the executive and I his executive assistant, it was inevitable that it would end this way.

In the end, I am glad that he did end it, as opposed to letting the pain linger. After I took a few breaths, I found myself relieved.

It was three months today that I would have been there. I find myself wondering why God took me there only to take me out after such a short time. Was I wrong to go? Did I not hear Him when I left Montclair?

Right now, I am thinking this is just a zig-zag line to get me to where I am really supposed to go. I feel His closeness as I praise Him...I rest in His embrace and know that He will work this out.

Blessings from God in 2008

1. In March, Al's job changed, he was moved to Edison and got weekends off.
2. Al’s new job allowed him to get home before Barb got up for work, which meant getting home in time for morning cuddles.
3. Al and Barb were able to attend church together on Sundays.
4. Al’s change of job in March in many ways prepared him for the next job change at year end.
5. Debbie got accepted at Kean University.
6. Christina continued doing well at Montclair State University and has returned to a more active social life.
7. Barb was invited to give her testimony about Al’s salvation at the MOPS Spring Tea in May.
8. Debbie graduated from High School.
9. In June, Gio turned age 2! He talks now and boy! does he have a lot to say.
10. Gio's grandparents, Emmanuel and Julia, got married in June.
11. Gio's dad, Manny, joined the US Marines.
12. Barb was invited to teach at the ACE fall session with David Langford and it was the best attended class that session.
13. Barb and Al were able to take the entire month of August off together and to spend it at the beach.
14. Al and Barb were blessed by their time at Union Congregational Church in Lavalette, meeting new friends there. They also enjoyed visits to Ocean Grove, seeing Charles Stanley and Oracle.
15. Al had his best tomato growing season this summer.
16. Debbie got her driver’s license before she started college.
17. Al and Barb were able to attend ACE fall session together.
18. Barb got a full time job at Urban Renewal Corp.
19. Barb's friends and co-workers at MCC blessed her with many kind words, gifts, songs and a BIG party when she left her position there as Administrative Support and Bible Study leader.
20. God give Al wisdom to select where to work when C&S closed. He hopes to be working stead at the Daily News, in New Jersey.

In all these changes, Al and I rejoice that God has caused us to grow closer together in love for each other. God has helped us to trust Him not only as the author and finisher of our salvation, but to trust in His daily protection and provision in our lives.

In all things, God is good and best of all, He is with us.

just GO

Jesus said to the woman, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace." (Luke 7:50)

How many times have I read this story of Jesus anointed by the sinful woman and wept? I could always relate to her, full of thanksgiving for His forgiveness and acceptance.

But this time, I looked at it afresh, and saw the word GO. And I heard the Father saying to me...

"Just GO--do not look back, analyze, wonder, fret, manage backwards---just go! For reasons you will never understand this side of eternity, I have moved you with My hand for such a time as this---out of there AND into here. You have learned, you have been obedient, but do NOT waste time looking back, indeed GO in peace. Go knowing that I am with you and them."

Thank You, Father. Help me to love You much by showing these, Your beloved in Newark, my love---indeed Your love through me.

"Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much." (Luke 7:44-47)

You're the God of this city

You're the God of this City
You're the King of these people
You're the Lord of this nation
You are

In the morning I leave suburbia and take a long and winding road to work. Through the park, golden leaves, geese on still waters, under bridges, with water fountains around the bend. And in the distance, there is the Cathedral Basilica towering above the homes. The worship music is a perfect sound track to my drive, until finally I find myself in the inner city of Newark.

Over 8 decades ago, my father was born in a house only steps from where I work. As a young adult, he worked there and later moved his business to East Orange. The house he grew up in was torn down to build a highway, and the business places left when the 1960's riots broke out. The wealthy who made their residence in the area quickly abandoned the place, moving further and further into the suburbs, leaving the poor behind.

I find myself now in the midst of that neighborhood, working shoulder to shoulder with people who make their homes where my parents worked so hard to escape. We talked about Thanksgiving today at work. The menu may be slightly different, but the concept is always the same. Thanksgiving is a time for food and family, no matter where you live, what color your skin, or where you make your home.

21 years ago, I left the corporation that was the largest maker of computers in the world. I left a job with great benefits, a great salary, and a great future. If you had told me in 1987 that I would not return to full time work for 21 years, to raise my children at home and to be a part time secretary in a church setting, I would have told you that you were crazy.

And today I find myself working full time for the largest homeless shelter in Newark. In Kingdom currency, it's quite a promotion, one that I am honored that the Lord has given me. Every morning I pray that He would enable me to serve well in the new corner of His vineyard where He has placed me.

Each day I am sure that greater things are yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city.

one small thing

They were planning a meeting today for the clients at our homeless shelter. (Read: clients=the homeless) The man in charge was having a hard time getting them to show up, so I volunteered to bring some baked goods, as an incentive. "You mean you'll pick up some donuts?" he asked. "Oh no," I replied. "I'll bake something myself."

This morning as I waited for the quick breads to finish baking, I read the account of Jesus, intending to just pass through the village of Nain. Instead, He found Himself in the middle of a funeral procession for a young man who was the only son of a widow. Scriptures tell us, "When the Lord saw her, His heart overflowed with compassion."

Jesus was able to raise the dead that day, and restored the young man to his mother. He did it because His heart overflowed with compassion.

Today, I could not give the clients all that was needed. I could not give these people a job or a home in the suburbs. I cannot heal their addictions or theirmphysical or emotional pain.

But I can still show the love of Christ by this one small thing. I baked them bread this morning. And hopefully in that, spread the love of Christ.


They praised God, saying... “God has visited his people today.” See Luke 7:11-17.

Be Still

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with You above the storm

They had a party for me yesterday, after church.
There were flowers and gifts and food, notes of
appreciation, and two Terry Boch songs, written just for me!

Everything a girl could want.

And yet I want to sit and cry.

The new office is getting easier to manage. I feel the
presence and power of God in this place.
I feel His love for these new people I serve.
I don't smell the smells and recoil. Instead, I want
to step into the ball and swing.

The woman I prayed for Friday came in to see me today.
I felt her connection and her determination to hold
onto her program and our Father.

And yet I want to sit and cry.

I don't want it to be over, this part of my life!!
I need to let it go, and yet I so want to hold on.
The ocean is rising, the thunder roars.
There is no where to run, no where to hide.
It encompasses me, grabs my ankle and won't let go
as the water rises over my face.

I will soar with You above the storm
--Yes I know that
but I cannot feel that now.

Hold onto me, Father. I asked for this and
I know You are near. Help me burn the ships,
so the temptation to return will not
overwhelm me in the flood.

Father, You are King over the Flood

I know I only have to be still
and You will let it wash over me
and it will be ok.

Hold my hand, Beloved. Hold tight!

And I will be still
and know that You are God.

Today in the field

They are called clients. The people who live in the homeless shelter where I work. They are the poor, the mentally challenged, the addicted, the formerly incarcerated, or just down on their luck. In the course of my day, some come to visit me.

Today, the woman who came and sat in my chair wept quietly, the tears streaming down her face. The heroin has seduced her back into it's lair and she felt regret and trapped. I suggested that she talk to someone on staff who could help her, but she refused. Against orders from my boss, I asked if I could pray for her, she was willing, and so I did.

I continued to pray for her as I drove home, unable to shake the sight of her, the pain she felt. My problems shrunk in the shadow of hers.

And yet, later I thought about my own sin, how it has seduced me back into it's lair and how I feel regret and trapped. How am I different from her? Is her sin so big and mine so small? Is my sin less deadly, more appropriate somehow because I can still go home to my house and make dinner for my family and pretend better that things are ok?

Why is she a client and I am not?

In the church, we are all clients. We all have our sins, some more secret than others, but there none the less. I may be able to pretend that I am living the life, but the truth be told, I am just as needy as she.

Like her, I must confess, pray, get help to change. Every day.


Romans 3:22-24
This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.